ABCD

[[Two hovering robots have an amiable chat]] UNIT ONE: You know, new research suggests ancient human kings and queens were covered in colorful fabric. UNIT TWO: Ugh, I like MOVIE humans more. Screaming pink warriors with metal crowns poking through the skin on their heads! Now they're, what, big pillows? Science ruins everything. {{Title text: At this point, if we're going to keep insisting on portraying dinosaurs as featherless because it's "cooler", it's time to apply that same logic to art involving bald eagles.}}

[[Two figures, one is monologuing]] Figure: Some reasearchers(hall et al, doi: 10.1015 molmed 2015 02 009) are starting to figure out the mechanism behind the placebo effect. We've used their work to create a new drug: a placebo effect blocker. Now we just need to run a trial! We'll get two groups, give them both placebos, then give one the real placebo blocker, and the other a... wait... [[A panel where nothing is said]] Audience: My head hurts. Figure: Mine too. Here, want a sugar pill? {{Title text: They work even better if you take them with our experimental placebo booster, which I keep in the same bottle.}}

EMOJIC 8 BALL [[A text box where you can enter a question, with a default question of 'How will I die?, and an 'ASK' button underneath. Below is a drawing of a 'magic 8 ball' toy, and in the center a white triangle comes up with 1-3 random emojis.]] {{(No alt-text.)}}

[[Two figures sit beneath a tree in a meadow]] Figure: Of the four dimensions I could have spent my life being pushed inexorably forward through, I guess "Time" isn't the worst. {{Title text: I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.}}

[[Two figures. One is standing, one is sitting at a desk with a laptop computer.]] Standing: So how do we regulate all these micro drones? I mean, amazon delivery bots sound cool... [[Standing figure is suddenly surrounded by tiny robots.]] Standing: But I worry that overnight we'll realize we're surrounded by these things, no one will know who's controlling them, and then BAM, sci-fi dystopia. [[Standing figure is back next to sitting figure. Sitting figure turns their full attention to standing figure.]] Sitting: If you wanna slow it down, why not just remove all regulations, but then make drone theft legal? [[Standing figure, ponders while sitting figure returns to the laptop.]] Standing: ...I LIKE that. Sitting: You write to congress. I'll stock up on butterfly nets. {{Title text: Oh, weird, Amazon is out of butterfly nets.}}

[[A figure is staring through a large telescope pointed towards the heavens. A canvas of thousands of stars fills the sky.]] [[A figure in a beret walks up with a ladder and a magnifying glass. The astronomer continues to gaze into the optic, unfailingly alert.]] [[The figure sets up and steadies the ladder as the astronomer continues to observe through the scope.]] [[Beret figure climbs the ladder, looks at the stars through the magnifying glass. The astronomer remains completely unmoved.]] {{Title text: Astrobiology is held back by the fact that we're all too nervous to try to balance on the ladder while holding an expensive microscope.}}

[[A figure approaches a sword sticking out of a rock. They grab it, tussle a bit, then successfully wrest it from its crevice. Angelic trumpets sound.]] Aethereal voice from above: THE THRONE OF ENGLAND IS YOURS [[Figure pulls out smartphone]] Smartphone: Wikipedia. England. [[Figure stares at smartphone a bit, pokes sword back into stone.]] {{Title text: That seems like an awful lot of hassle when all I wanted was a cool sword.}}

[[A gameshow setting. Three figures stand behind podiums labeled PHYS, BIO, and CHEM, in front of an announcer.]] Announcer: Welcome to the DEGREE OFF, where we determine which field is the best! Physics, wanna go first? Physics: Sure! I'd like to tell the story of Richard Feynman's manhattan project lockpicking pranks.. Physics: ..and as he said "All science is either physics or stamp collecting." Thank you. Announcer: Great! Bio, you wanna go next? Biology: Okay. [[A graph appears displaying numbers falling from eight hundred per one hundred thousand, to less than a hundred per one hundred thousand, over the last century.]] Biology:This is a graph of the death rate from infectious disease in this country. [[BIO raises fist emphatically]] Biology: The heroes of my field have SLAIN one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. [[BIO points finger at PHYS]] Biology: While the heroes of YOUR field gathered in the desert to create a new one. Physics: ...jeez, what the hell? I thought this was supposed to be fun and lighthearted! Biology: YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING OF STAMP COLLECTING. {{Title text: I'M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE 'SQUISHY SCIENCES', I ASSUMED YOU'D BE A LITTLE HARDER.}}

[[A teacher holding a pointer stands in front of a backdrop of a lush, coastal field filled with flower and greenhouses.]] Teacher: Venus was once temperate. It had seas and rivers, and Venusians cultivated vast fields of beautiful flowers. [[The backdrop is now a shot of an earth-like Venus seen from space, with greenhouses flying rapidly away from it.]] Teacher: Until their greenhouses fled the planet due to the runaway greenhouse effect. [[A little girl is seen sitting at a desk, listening to the teacher speak.]] Teacher: The Venusians pursued their greenhouses to Earth, settling in the Netherlands and kickstarting the Dutch floral industry. Any questions? [[A close-up on the teacher's profile, the student is out of panel.]] Student: Because you're retiring in a month, do you just not care what you say anymore? Teacher: WHAT?! I RIDE THE SKIES atop a screaming bird of truth! Also, yes, I do not. {{Title text: The sudden introduction of Venusian flowers led to an explosive growth of unusual Earth pollinators, which became known as the "butterfly effect."}}

[[Darkness.]] <<BLEEP BLEEP>> Person 1: Urgh. Person 2: Your alarm is going off. Person 1: Huh? Person 2: Make it stop. Person 1: Urrgh. [[Still darkness.]] <<BLEEPEEP BLEEP BLEEP B>> Person 2: Hit snooze. Person 1: I'm trying. I closed the alarm app and I can't... I'll just pop out the battery. whoops! <<CLANG>> [[The light is on. Person one looks over the edge of the bed to see the vent on the floor is open.]] <<EEP BLEEP BLEEP BLE>> Person 2: Make it stop! Person 1: It... fell down the vent. [[Person 1 types on their laptop.]] <<EP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLE>> Person 2: Can you brick it remotely? Person 1: Trying... I think I fumbled it into airplane mode? Person 2: The battery could last for weeks. Person 1: You know, maybe we should just move. {{Title text: Hang on, I've heard this problem. We need to pour water into the duct until the phone floats up and ... wait, phones sink in water. Mercury. We need a vat of mercury to pour down the vent. That will definitely make this situation better and not worse.}}

[[A large white planet fills the void of space, orbited by a tiny moon.]] Musical overture: I watch the sunlight [[The planet is eclipsed by its moon]] Musical overture: dance across your face [[A graph is here. There is a spike. It is labeled OXYGEN.]] Musical overture: I can see you breathe Three panel caption: Faith hill on exoplanet spectroscopy {{Title text: Although right now I'm more excited about ESPRESSO's radial velocity measurements, so I'm listening to This Kiss, her song about measuring "centrifugal motion" on "a rooftop under the sky".}}

[[This will not make sense if you do not know what Pokemon is.]] [[A seemingly infite row of Pikachu stands, each next to an open pokéball. The pokemon on the end of the row, nearest to the trainers, has a closed pokéball.]] Pikachu: Pikachu, I choose YOU! [[There are two trainers. One has an open pokéball. The other is staring at their watch.]] {{Title text: This would be bad enough, but every 30th or 40th pokéball has TWO of them inside.}}

[[This comic consists of four rows of four panels each.]] [[First row.]] [[A presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]] Presenter: IF the earth were the size of a basketball, [[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth's moon.]] Presenter: The moon would be-- [[Blackhat enters]] Blackhat: Hey, cool! [[Blackhat begins touching the earth]] Presenter: Um. [[A massive tsunami hundreds of feet tall dwarfs a coastal city. Screams are heard.]] The earth's inhabitants: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [[Second row.]] [[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]] Presenter: Let's try that again. If the earth were the size of a basketball, [[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth's moon.]] Presenter: The moon would be-- [[Lady enters, carrying squirt bottle]] [[Lady squirts earth model with water.]] [[The earth is completely covered in water, and very wet. The lady leaves.]] [[Third row]] [[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]] Presenter: If the earth were the size of a basketball, [[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth's moon.]] Presenter: The moon would... [[A cat enters]] [[The cat leaps towards the earth]] [[The cat rolls away with the earth, purring]] [[Fourth row]] [[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]] Presenter: If the earth were the size of a basketball, [[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth's moon.]] Presenter: The moon would, uh... [[A basketball player enters]] [[The player grabs the earth model]] [[The player leaps towards a basketball hoop, clearly intending to dunk the earth.]] {{Title text: How many points do you get for dunking every basketball in existence at once?}}

[[Two figures converse]] First: What day is it? Second: Sunday the nineteenth. First: But you said it was the nineteenth yesterday. Second. It changed AGAIN? Crap, better add another leap day. Caption: My new simplified calendar system assumes the date never changes, then corrects any drift via leap days. {{Title text: The flood of PermaCalNTP leap-second notifications was bad enough, but when people started asking for millisecond resolution, the resulting DDOS brought down the internet.}}

[[An AMATEUR CODER excitedly gestures a PRO CODER towards a laptop computer on a desk.]] Amateur: Keep in mind that I'm self-taught, so my code may be a little messy. Pro: Lemme see, I'm sure it's fine. [[PRO CODER sits at the desk, clacking at the laptop.]] Pro: Wow. This is like being in a house built by a child using nothing but a hatchet and a picture of a house. [[PRO CODER leans forward, slightly engrossed.]] Pro: It's like a salad recipe written by a corporate lawyer using a phone autocorrect that only knew excel formulas. [[PRO CODER leans back, slightly horrified.]] Pro: It's like someone took a transcript of a couple arguing at ikea and made random edits until it compiled without errors. Amateur: OKAY I will read a style guide. {{Title text: I honestly didn't think you could even USE emoji in variable names. Or that there were so many different crying ones.}}

Horoscopes with an actual basis in fact. Aries: You may have been conceived after a 4th of July Fireworks show Taurus: You may have been concieved on a hot August day Gemini: You may have been concieved as the leaves began to chance Cancer: You may have been concieved by people trying on costumes Leo: You may have been concieved during thanksgiving Virgo: You may have been concieved while a christmas song played Libra: You may have been concieved after a new year's eve party Scorpio: You may have been concieved by people stuck inside after a long winter Sagittarius: You may have been concieved during march madness Capricorn: You may have been concieved during a sexy easter egg hunt Aquarius: You may have been concieved on mother's day Pisces:: You may have been concieved at someone's wedding {{Title text: If you live in the Northern hemisphere, anyway. In the southern hemisphere, due to the coriolis effect, babies are born nine months BEFORE they're conceived.}}

[[A windowless room littered with debris: a door on the left is barred shut and also being held shut by a terrified figure. In the center of a room is a large armored box. On the side of the box away from the door, a figure is crouched down, calmly loading a weapon.]] [[A CRUEL INTERLOPER, external to the scene and room, pounds on the door and shouts at the two figures in our sight.]] Terrified figure: WHICH SPICE GIRL ARE YOU?! The merciful one, or the one who started this war? Caption: When I see those quiz titles, I like to imagine they're being shouted through a door in a postapocalyptic dystopia. {{Title text: Haha, you'll see!}}

[[Two musketeers present a handcuffed Napoleon to a magistrate.]] Soldiers: This is Napoleon. He tried to take over the world. Magistrate: Exile him to Elba! [[Three musketeers present a somewhat dirty, handcuffed and shackled Napoleon to a magistrate.]] Soldiers: It's us again. Napoleon escaped from Elba and tried to conquer the world. Again. Magistrate: Send him someplace truly remote, like Saint Helena. Soldiers: Yes, sir. Several years later... [[Six musketeers present a dripping wet, handcuffed and shackled Napoleon, with an octopus on his head, to a magistrate.]] Soldiers: Well, he swam back. Magistrate stands and gestures to the skies imperiously. Magistrate: We must mount an expedition to the south pole, where we will encase Napoleon in the antarctic ice! A century later... [[THE PRESIDENT stands behind a podium. Behind him stands a very dirty, handcuffed, shackled, splinted napoleon with icicles dripping off his hat.]] President: We choose to go to the moon, not because it is easy... {{Title text: "Mr. President, what if the unthinkable happens? What if the launch goes wrong, and Napoleon is not stranded on the Moon?" "Have Safire write up a speech."}}

[[Title: scenery cheat sheet. Subtile: A cheat sheet for figuring out where in the us you are by recognizing the background from movies (for use by geoguessr players and crash-landed astronauts)]] [[A map of the US with labels. Some fans have completely dissected the joke for you http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1509 ]] http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1509 {{Title text: At the boundary between each zone, stories blend together. Somewhere in the New Mexico desert, the Roadrunner is pursued by a tireless Anton Chigurh.}}

[[A timeline comic.]] Title: Operating systems running in my house. In 1985, begins running MS DOS. In 1993, begins running Windows. In 1994, begins running Mac OS. In 1998, stops running MS DOS. In 2000, starts running Linux In 2001, stops running Mac OS. In 2007, stops running Windows. In 2009, starts running OSX and Android. In 2013, starts running iOS. "Now" is marked as 2015. In 2016, stops running Android. In 2018, stops running Linux, starts running SOMETHING.JS In 2019, iOS and OSX merge into one. In 2023, starts running Tinder OS. In 2024, stops running OSX and starts running NEST. In 2028, stops running SOMETHING.JS and starts running Elon Musk Project. In 2029, stops running Tinder OS and starts running DOS, but ironically. In 2032, stops running NEST. In 2034, starts running Blood DRone. In 2036, stops running DOS, but ironically. In 2041, stops running Blood Drone and Elon Musk Project as HUMAN CIVILIZATION ENDS IN FIRE. In 2059, starts running GNU HURD. {{Title text: One of the survivors, poking around in the ruins with the point of a spear, uncovers a singed photo of Richard Stallman. They stare in silence. "This," one of them finally says, "This is a man who BELIEVED in something."}}

[[A character kicks a soccer ball at an upward angle]] [[A soccer ball falls down towards a basketball hoop. A character reaches upwards to block it, while another character ineffectually waggles their arm.]] Off-panel: OUT! [[Another panel]] Off-panel: What do MEAN, out?! Referee: The ball clipped the corner of the baseball zone. Infield fly rule. Off-panel: Aw, maaan... {{Title text: Shoot, it landed in the golf course. Gonna be hard to get it down the--oh, never mind, it rolled onto the ice hazard. Face-off!}}

{{Title text: }} [[Randall monologues behind his official XKCD desk.]] Randall: We've made a huge mistake. Randall: I figured starting a cloud services company would be EASY. After all, I've got TONS of computers! [[Randall gestures to a mound of various and sundry mini computers, from a lowly Commodore to a large Alienware.]] [[Close zoom on Randall's featureless oval face.]] Randall: Facebook, twitter, tumblr - they all struggle to protect privacy and user data. Randall: And we offered a solution. Randall: I forget what it was, though. [[Wide zoom to Randall waving his arms in a conciliatory manner.]] Randall: Anyway, long story short, we screwed up IMMEDIATELY and lost TONS of their data. Randall: Also a bunch of stuff is literally on fire? [[Randall is back behind the desk.]] Randall: We can fix this. But we need your help. Large red banner: Help us recover user data before facebook & co notice we lost it.

((Two characters walk along, deep in thought. The world around them is devoid of form)) Character: But wouldn't a god who could find a flaw in the ontological argument be even greater? {{Title text: A God who holds the world record for eating the most skateboards is greater than a God who does not hold that record.}}

((The year is 2010. Two scientists hunker over a large console.)) First scientist: After six years, Spirit is down, but Opportunity is still going strong. Second scientist: Tough little rover. ((The year is 2015. Two scientists dialogue over radio while a tiny wheeled robot drives cheerfully across the martian surface.)) First scientist: Eleven years, wow. Second scientist: Wasn't the original mission 90 days? First scientist: This is starting to get weird. ((The year is 2023. Two nerds hunker over a sleek computer.)) First nerd: The battery is totally disconnected. How can it still be moving?? Second nerd: Given what it did to the mars 2020 rover, we may never know. ((The year is 2450. A planetary administrator stands with their child on a martian plateau, with a good view of a small city, some flying cars, and even some pyramids!)) Administrative god-king: Everything the light touches is our kingdom. Future despoiler of worlds: What's that dark area? Administrative god-king: That is Opportunity's half of the planet. We must never go there. {{Title text: We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: "That's one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT'S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]"}}

((A squirrel ASTRONAUT is suspended in some kind of harness beneath a child's helium balloon. Two other squirrels serve as its GROUND TEAM.)) Ground team: Once you've chewed a hole in the sun, shoot the balloon to fall back to earth, then pull the parachute ripcord to land. Astronaut: Are you SURE it's full of acorns? Ground team: Look how bright and magnificent is is! What ELSE could be in there? {{Title text: [Halfway to the Sun ...] Heyyyy ... what if this BALLOON is full of acorns?!}}

((Two characters are talking. One is wielding a small electronic device. The other is wearing a hat.)) Hacker: This new keyboard is like thirty percent faster! I'm never going back. Haberdasher: Good, put those years of horror behind you. Hacker: Come on. Sure, sometimes my focus on efficiency doesn't make sense. But we type a LOT. That 30% improvement pretty quickly adds up to a HUGE amount of wasted time rescued. Haberdasher: I just watched you open google news and then close it without reading it FIVE TIMES IN A ROW. Hacker: The fact that I spend most of my time so stupidly only makes it MORE important not to waste any here. {{Title text: Since it sounds like your time spent typing can't possibly be less productive than your time spent not typing, have you tried typing SLOWER?}}

[[Title of this comic is MYSTERIES, it's a graph with two axis. The horizontal axis ranges from NOT THAT WEIRD to WEIRD AS HELL. The vertical axis ranges from I HAVE NO EXPLANATION to EXPLANATION SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR.]] [[Not that weird and i have no explanation]] who carly simon is singing about in you're so vain lindbergh baby uvb-seventy-six toynbee tiles jimmy hoffa [[Not that weird and explanation seems pretty clear]] voynich manuscript jfk why i keep putting ice cream back in the fridge instead of the freezer oak island money pit [[I have no explanation and weird as hell]] the wow signal db cooper mh 370 lead masks case salish sea feet mary celeste [[weird as hell and explanation seems pretty clear]] zodiac letters amelia earhart lost colony kentucky meat shower bigfoot loch ness monster dyatlov pass incident {{Title text: At the bottom left: The mystery of why, when I know I needed to be asleep an hour ago, I decide it's a good time to read through every Wikipedia article in the categories 'Out-of-place artifacts', 'Earth mysteries', 'Anomalous weather', and 'List of people who disappeared mysteriously'.}}

((A mercator projection of the world map is shown. All the continents have been rotated one hundred eighty degrees.)) ((Cuba is next to alaska, and alaska is touching the tip of south america, which is all near the equator. Mexico is now friends with greenland. ((Iceland, the UK, and asia are all close together. Japan and Taiwan haven't moved with the asian continent, and are technically European.)) ((Siberia is now equatorial. Africa is pretty temperate, except for the north bits which are somewhat antarctic.)) Caption: This upside-down map will change your perspective on the world! {{Title text: Due to their proximity across the channel, there's long been tension between North Korea and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Southern Ireland.}}

[[Two figures sit at a table. One of them is aghast while the other cheerfully shuttles chips from a bowl on the table to a giant sack of CHIPS.]] Chip thief: THEY'RE the ones giving chips away! If they don't see the arbitrage potential, sucks for them. Caption: In a deep sense, society functions only because we generaly avoid taking these people to dinner. {{Title text: The invisible hand of the market never texts me back.}}

((The text is written in an italic font, rather than hand-written, like it would be in a book. It goes across the top of the first four panels.)) I told her we were going to get married, and all she could talk about was frogs. She said there's these hills where it's hot and rains all the time, and in the rainforests there are these very tall trees and right in the top branches of the trees there are these like great big flowers called . . . bromeliads, I think, and water gets into the flowers and makes little pools and there's a type of frog that lays eggs in the pools and tadpoles hatch and grow into new frogs and these little frogs live their whole lieves in the flowers right at the top of the trees and don't even know about the ground, and once you know the world is full of things like that, your life is never the same. --Masklin, Terry Pratchett's The Bromeliad Trilogy [[A person sits on the floor cross-legged, reading a book.]] [[The person is reading the book, leaning back with one hand on the floor.]] [[The person reads the book while lying on their stomach.]] [[The person sits upright on the floor, reading with their legs bent.]] [[The person is reading cross-legged again.]] [[The person puts the book down on the floor and gets up and walks away.]] [[We discover they are walking on the petal of a large Bromeliad flower, toward the outside.]] [[The person reaches the tip of the petal and looks down below.]] {{Title text: Thank you for teaching us how big our world is by sharing so many of your own.}}

((There are no pictures. It is a table) Title: Predicting the success or failure of a new product, based on what engineers and programmers are saying about it. If they say it doesn't do anything new, or why would anyone want that: it means the product will be a gigantic success. If they say it's really exciting! or I've already preordered one: the product will be a flop. years later, its ideas will show up in something successful. If they say wait, are you talking about <unfamiliar person's name>'s new project?: the product could be a scam and may result in arrests or lawsuits. If they say I would never put <company> in charge of managing my <whatever>: within five years, they will. {{Title text: If you ever hear "Wait, is that Kim Dotcom's new project? I'm really excited about it and already signed up, although I'm a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...", it's time to dig a bunker in your backyard.}}

((Four figures hold forth with expository monologue.)) Figure holding a camera: I'm doing an art project where I take a picture of myself every hundred years. Figure holding a phone: I'm doing an art project where I take a picture of myself every one twenty-fourth of a second. Figure pointing to their face: I'm doing an art project where you can come to my house and watch my actual face age in real time. Figure holding a burrito to their face: I'm doing an art project where you all do those things while I eat a burrito. {{Title text: It's my most ambitious project yet, judging by the amount of guacamole.}}

Figuring out why my home server keeps running out of swap space and crashing: one to ten hours Plugging it into a light timer so it reboots every 24 hours: five minutes. {{Title text: Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don't want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.}}

((A figure seated at a desk is handing a document to a standing figure)) Seated figure: Here's a page explaining the terms of your new fire insurance policy. ((Standing figure regards the page thoughtfully, gripping it with both hands, really taking it in.)) Standing figure: Hey, what if I-- ((Seated figure interrupts)) Seated figure: And HERE'S a page explaining that the, quote, cool hack, unquote, you just thought of is called, quote, insurance fraud, unquote. We already know about it and it's a crime. Standing figure: Oh. Right. How did-- ((Seated figure interrupts)) Seated figure: I see a lot of programmers here. {{Title text: LIFEHACKS: You can just take all the luggage off the airport conveyer belt and leave with it. They don't check that it's yours at the door!}}

((An enthusiastic, beret-clad figure gives a presentation. A logo fills the background, it reads Company name dot website: If you're reading this, the web server was installed correctly. <<Trademark symbol>> )) Beret: Welcome to a meeting! I'm almost out of words so I'll keep this short. Just wanna touch bases. Beret: First, a few updates. We've learned from the state police that the self driving car project we launched by accident during this morning's carpool has come to an end about ninety miles outside of town. Very exciting! Beret: Profits are up. Sales, any luck figuring out who our customers are? Sales: Nope. Money keeps appearing, but we have no idea how or why. Beret: Great! Beret: Oh, and one last thing; I saw a cool red beetle in the hall. Can someone add it to the bug tracker? Off panel: Just did! Beret: Thanks! {{Title text: Here at Company Name dot website, our three main strengths are our web facing chairs, our huge collection of white papers, and the fact that we physically cannot die.}}

((Identical line drawings of a figure in a dress, but the bits are colored differently.)) ((On the left, the figure appears serge blue on a royal blue background, and is wearing a sky blue and walnut brown dress.)) ((On the right, the figure appears pale gold on a pale rose background, and is wearing a sky blue and murky green dress.)) ((Between them is a series of stripes.)) {{Title text: This white-balance illusion hit so hard because it felt like someone had been playing through the Monty Hall scenario and opened their chosen door, only to find there was unexpectedly disagreement over whether the thing they'd revealed was a goat or a car.}}

[[Title: stories of the past and future]] [[this is a massive fucking graph beyond the limits of normal transcription. you can find a full listing of data points at http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1491 ]] http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1491 {{Title text: Little-known fact: The 'Dawn of Man' opening sequence in 2001 cuts away seconds before the Flinstones theme becomes recognizable.}}

[[A beret-wearing figure interrupts a Scienceer in the midst of their work.]] Beret: What're you doing? Scienceer: Testing a saple for beryllium. Beret: That? Yeah, there's a bunch of berylliums. Scienceer: How do you know? [[Beret picks up the sample.]] Beret: Look at it! See? Tons of oxygens and silicons, a few irons, but definitely some berylliums, too! Can't you see them? Scienceer: No, I can't see a list of the atoms in a thing by looking. Beret: How do you tell what things are? Scienceer: This is ridiculous. Look at me. What do you see? Beret: You have tons of metal in your face. Lots of fillings, I guess? Scienceer: What's WRONG with you? [[Beret looks worriedly at own wrist.]] Beret: Too many zincs? I've always worried I had too much zinc and everyone thought I was weird. {{Title text: When I was little I had trouble telling my dad apart form the dog. I always recognized my mom because she had a bunch of extra plutoniums in her middle. I never did ask her why ...}}

[[A stick figure lectures]] Figure: There are four fundamental forces between particles: (1) Gravity, which obeys this inverse square law: Fgravity = G(M1M2) d^2 Off-panel: Ok... Figure: (2) Electromagnetism, which obeys this inverse-square law: Fstatic = Ke (q1q2) d^2 Figure: ANd also maxwell's equations Off-panel: Also what? Figure: (3) The Strong Nuclear Force, which obeys uh... well, umm... It holds protons and neutrons together. Off-panel: I see. Figure: It's strong. Figure: And (4) The Weak Force. It [mumble mumble] radioactive decay [mumble mumble] Off-panel: That's not a sentence. You just said "Radio- Figure: -And those are the four fundamental forces! {{Title text: "Of these four forces, there's one we don't really understand." "Is it the weak force or the strong--" "It's gravity."}}

[[Title: Flowcharts]] [[This is a gods-damned flowchart, huge surprise. a transcription and explanation and other things available on an external site http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1488 ]] http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1488 {{Title text: Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!}}

[[A reporter holds a microphone in front of some houses]] Reporter: The tornado touched down directly over a merry-go-round, in what victims are calling a "fun" and "awesome" disaster. {{Title text: Nearby, there were also no injuries when a multi-vortex tornado hit one of those spinning teacup rides.}}

[[Beret Guy is heaving a vacuum cleaner overhead]] Cueball: What are you doing? [[Beret guy sets the vacuum cleaner on the ground as one would normally use it, but is standing atop the engine and desperately manhandling the grip.]] Beret: Trying to unlock the tremendous energy of the vacuum. [[Beret guy rises off the ground, hovering on the vacuum cleaner] Cueball: That's not what that- Beret: Ha ha! It works! <<BWAROUUGUMHGHHGMMM>> Cueball: I said, that's- Beret: The univere is mine to command! <<GLHDFKUOUAHUUUUGUUUAAAUUAUUUUUUUGGGGGH>> [[Beret guy rockets away on plume of Clean Energy]] {{Title text: Do you think you could actually clean the living room at some point, though?}}

{{A fictional wikipedia article is depicted here}} [[Title: FRIENDSHIP]] A friendship is a close non romantic relationship between two or more men, a form of affectional or homosocial intimacy. [[Table of contents]] One, etymology. Two, characteristics. Three, portrayal of friendships. Three point one, celebrity and fictional friendships. Three point two, historical and political friendships. Three point three, gay-straight friendships. Four, see also. Five, references. [[Title heading: Etymology]] Friendship is a portmanteau of the words FRIEND and SHIP. Editor Dave Carnie coined the term in the skateboard magazine BIG BROTHER in the 1990s to refer to the sort of relationships that develop between skaters who spend-- [[section is truncated]] [[Title heading: Portrayal of friendship]] [[Sub heading: celebrity and fictional friendships]] A number of celebrities have engaged in friendships with fellow celebrities. Examples include Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, described as quote perhaps THE pioneering friendship in showbiz history unquote which led to a hit off-broadway play-- [[section is truncated]] [[untitled clipping]] friendship on television has also become more commonplace, with some critics tracing its origins back to such shows as THE ODD COUPLE. In october 2008, TV GUIDE placed Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) and James-- [[section is truncated]] [[untitled clipping]] The Japanese and Korean music industry actively encourages friendship among male celebrities (particularly members of boy bands) as part of the fan service to please the audience. In fiction, what had once been called buddy films have to a degree been rebranded as friendship films, although-- [[section is truncated]] Caption: How to improve the quote bromance unquote wikipedia article [[Title heading: Historical and political friendships]] Politically, the relationship between Bill Clinton and Al Gore has been called a precursor to the friendship. THe relationship between George W Bush and Former press-- [[section is truncated]] {{Title text: The only other Wikipedia vandalism that I would feel zero remorse about is editing the article on active US militia groups to replace "militia" with "fanclub".}}

[[A stack of speeches, with text above them describing the situation]] In 1969, Nixon staffer William Safire wrote a speech for the president to deliver if the Apollo 11 return launch failed, stranding the doomed astronauts on the moon. Uncovered in 1999, it is often call the greatest speech never given. Today, the full set of Safire's contingency speeches has been found. ((First speech)) In Event Astronauts Stranded On Moon Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace. In ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man's search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts. For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever-- <<notes are truncated>> ((Second speech)) In Event Spacecraft Goes Missing Neil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin, and Michael Collins went to the moon as ambassadors of peace for all mankind, and all mankind prays that they may yet return safely home. We are separated from the moon by a vast gulf of space, against which their tiny vessel appeared as but a drifting speck. For a few brief seconds, we took our eye off them, and despite days of desperate searching, never again was their vessel sighted from Earth. While these men are lost they are not forgotten and their sacrifice will not-- <<notes are truncated>> ((Third speech)) In Event Astronauts Abscond With Spacecraft We do not know what led Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins to betray the trust we placed in them, abandon their mission, and steer their vessel toward Mars. Nor do we know what compelled them to transmit such hurtful messages back to earth, heaping contempt on their onetime home. But whatever the cause of their dereliction, I call upon the United States to commit itself, before this year is out, to launching a mission to chase down Apollo 11 and return its crew to face Justice. We must not rest until-- <<notes are truncated>> ((Fourth speech)) In Event Spacecraft Returns With Extra Astronauts While this is much we do not understand, tonight all of Earth is united in celebrating the safe return of our brave explorers. We of course have many questions, and in the day and weeks to come we will demand answers. How many souls were truly aboard Apollo 11 when it launched? Who are the six men now in quarantine aboard the USS Hornet? What happened-- <<notes are truncated>> ((Fifth speech)) In Event Spacecraft Hits U.S.S. Hornet, Crushing Nixon President Agnew: Tonight, we have experienced a great national triumph and a great national loss. We take joy in the safe return from the moon of Neil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin, and Michael Collins, but that joy is tempered with sorrow as we mourn our president's tragic death beneath their wayward capsule. Richard Nixon wholeheartedly supported our courageous astronauts as they carried the hopes and prayers of Earth to the heavens, and in the moment of their homecoming, he himself has departed on that ultimate voyage. As we grieve, we must rededicate ourselves to the cause for which our president-- <<notes are truncated>> ((Sixth speech)) In Event Spacecraft Accidentally Sold For Scrap And Crushed With Astronauts Inside My fellow Americans, I am as shocked and appalled as you at this stunning and-- <<notes are truncated>> {{Title text: While our commitment to recycling initiatives has been unwavering, this is not a cost any of us should be expected to pay.}}

[[Two stick figures are walking, one is holding an article]] Figure A: I found this article on the linguistics of the "Quotative Like". Figure B: Like when you're like, "She was like"? Figure A: Yeah. Figure A: It features a quote from a linguist, Patricia Cukor-Avila: "Eventually all the people who hate this kind of thing are going to be dead, and the ones who use it are going to be in control." Figure B: Wow. Turns out linguists are pretty hardcore. Figure A: I think she means dead from old age. Figure B: I'm gonna start using "Like" more, just in case. {{Title text: God was like, "Let there be light," and there was light.}}

[[A series of social media entries]] Brian is now listening to: A Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: B Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: D Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: C SHARP Today 3:28 PM Mike What the hell Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: B Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: A Today 3:28 PM Caitlin Can someone call him? Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: A Today 3:28 PM Brian is now listening to: E Today 3:29 PM Brian is now listening to: A My new Social Music Service notifies your friends about what notes you're listening to. {{Title text: If you click on the post, it takes you to search results for the note on various online music stores.}}

((This is a faux-screenshot of a technical document)) [[A figure sits at a computer upon a desk, apparently engrossed in the document which we now see before us.]] TITLE: API GUIDE Request URL Format: domain user item Server will return an XML document which contains the requested data and documentation describing how the data is organized spatially. API KEYS: To obtain API access, contact the x.509-authenticated server and request an ECDH-RSA TLS key... Caption: If you do things right, it can take people a while to realize that your "API documentation" is just instructions for how to look at your website. {{Title text: ACCESS LIMITS: Clients may maintain connections to the server for no more than 86,400 seconds per day. If you need additional time, you may contact IERS to file a request for up to one additional second.}}

[[A single character delivers a monologue.]] Character: I don't know much about sports, which can be culturally isolating, so it's tempting to get vocal and defensive about not following them. Character: Caring about something makes people vulnerable, so NOT caring gives you power. [[Two small graphics depicting weather fronts, and a spacecraft.]] Character: But I know the things I'm into don't always sound interesting to 100% of the people around me, and it means a lot when they sometimes try to listen anyway--and maybe even find themselves sharing some of my excitement! Character: So while everyone is going on about the super bowl on Sunday, let me tell you what I'LL be doing: Character: Listening! Character: Hooray for friendship! Character (quietly): Also, eating snacks. Character (quietly): Hooray for snacks! {{Title text: My hobby: Pretending to miss the sarcasm when people show off their lack of interest in football by talking about 'sportsball' and acting excited to find someone else who's interested, then acting confused when they try to clarify.}}

[[Two characters sit at a computer. The hair'd one sits at the controls, and the bald one hovers impatiently behind.]] Hair'd character: Wait, why can't I click anywhere? Bald character: I don't... ugh, it opened a dialog box offscreen. Hair'd character: Why is that even POSSIBLE? Bald character: It really shouldn't be. But you can fix it by changing your screen resolution to trigger a window cleanup. Hair'd character: SERIOUSLY? Bald character: I know, I know... Caption: To be honest, I can't WAIT for the day when all my stupid computer knowledge becomes obsolete. {{Title text: "Oh, you're using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They're very similar but one handles window creation differently." is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.}}

((A chart with two columns: P-value, which are numbers; and Interpretation, which are text labels. There are multiple numbers per label.)) ((Each set of number values is described as a scene separated by commas, and their corresponding text label as "text outside of dialogue".)) [[0.001, 0.01, 0.02, 0.03]] Highly significant [[0.04, 0.049]] Significant [[0.050]] Oh crap. Redo calculations. [[0.051, 0.06]] On the edge of significance [[0.07, 0.08, 0.09. 0.099]] Highly suggestive, significant at the P<0.10 level [[Greater than or equal to 0.1]] Hey, look at this interesting subgroup analysis {{Title text: If all else fails, use "signifcant at a p>0.05 level" and hope no one notices.}}

[[Two characters walk & talk together.]] Bald character: We're almost at the back to the future date. Hair'd character: We're even closer to the star wars tipping point. Bald character: The what? [[A timeline appears, labeled at 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010.]] Return of the Jedi | The phantom menace | | May 13th | | | |<------>|<-------->| -----|-----|-----|-----|------ 1980 1990 2000 2010 Hair'd character: On may 13th, the phantom menace will have come out closer to return of the jedi than to the present Bald character: Wow. Bald character: It's weird how I'm constantly surprised by the passage of time when it's literally the most predictable thing in the universe. Hair'd character (gazing into distance): You know, "a long time ago" should have "plus four more decades" added in rereleases. {{Title text: A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...}}

[[A character is engrossed in a laptop at a desk, while a standing character looks on silently.]] Sitting character: "Dawn" has almost reached Ceres. Sitting character: I'm excited that we'll finally learn what that stupid white dot is. [[A blurry and small planet, hung on an inky starless backdrop. We can faintly see a white dot.]] [[The planet is enlarged to fill the whole frame, and we can see there is some text on the white dot.]] [[Only a small portion of the planet is visible, and we can see details of its surface. We can see that quite unlike the surface of the planet, the white dot is a giant crisp sticker, with a message in huge letters.]] Inspected by no. 6 {{Title text: Earth clearly hasn't been inspected, since it's definitely contaminated with salmonella.}}

[[A character with a jaunty hat holds forth to character paying rather more attention to a nearby insect.]] First character: Well, technically, food is a "drug", since it's a substance that alters how your body works, so yes, I'm- Second character: Hey, look at that weird bug! Caption: My life improved when I realized I could just ignore any sentence that started with "Technically". {{Title text: "Technically that sentence started with 'well', so--" "Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!"}}

((This comic is eight illustrated and labeled screw heads.)) [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a plus sign.]] Phillips head [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]] Flat head [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a star.]] Uh oh. Maybe it's on amazon? [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a diamond, or a very poorly defined plus sign.]] Cursed -1 phillips head. [[A screw with no indentation.]] Crap, it's a RIVET. [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a hexagon.]] Phillips-head ruiner [[A slightly glowing screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]] Uranium screw (a real thing) [[A tied burlap sack, leaking a strange dark ichor.]] Phillip's head {{Title text: If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn't work and it's a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!}}

[[A character is staring at the screen of their smartphone.]] Phone: This website wants to know your location. Character: Allow. [[The character stares at the screen in disbelief, and cocks their head slightly.]] Phone: This website wants to know your momentum. Character: Deny. Nice try. {{Title text: Our phones must have great angular momentum sensors because the compasses really suck.}}

((This comic is a single panel.)) [[A multitude of terrain features are drawn and labeled.]] Desert Mountains Glacier Lake Plain My house River Delta Lagoon Bay Strait Peninsula Island Sea Forest Mesa Hills Volcano Caption:If I could live anywhere, I would choose the example map from geography books that explains what everything is called. {{Title text: The place I'd least like to live is the farm in the background of those diagrams showing how tornadoes form.}}

[[A doctor reading a clipboard consults a patient sitting on an examination table.]] Doctor: I see the problem. Your gut macrobiome is out of balance. Doctor: One moment. [[Doctor walks off-panel]] Patient: I think you mean MICRObiome. Patient: ..right? [[Doctor returns slightly rumpled and carrying a wolf.]] Doctor: No. Here, swallow this. Patient: That's a wolf. Doctor: Do you need a glass of water? {{Title text: I know it seems unpleasant, but of the two ways we typically transfer them, I promise this is the one you want.}}

((This comic is a single panel)) [[Three characters silently focus on a whiteboard, titled KIX SLOGAN IDEAS They clutch markers while pondering an ending to their slogan.]] Kid tested, mother... [[There are several possible sentence endings, all verb phrases. They are all crossed out.]] selected perfected not notified watching helplessly infected consumed fucker {{Title text: My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.}}

[[A character with hair, carrying a flashlight, approaches a sitting bald character, engrossed in a laptop computer.]] Hair'd character: Our bathroom looks pretty clean, right? Bald character: I think so. Why? Hair'd character: I got a UV flashlight. Come look. [[Together they exit panel left, hair'd character proudly brandishing the UV flashlight. [[conversation continues off-panel]] Off-panel voice: Looks fine. <<Click>> <<Click>> Off-panel voice: ..oh my god. [[Characters return to visible panel. Bald character looks back in fear.]] Bald character: The toilet looked like the guy's chest after the alien burst out. Hair'd character: What do we DO? [[Bald character supplicates calmness with arms]] Bald character: We clean. Clean and clean and never stop. Hair'd character: It won't be enough. We should just burn the place down for the insurance money. [[The hair'd character has begun dousing the floor with a can of gasoline]] Bald character: Isn't that wrong? Hair'd character: My morality has evaporated under the harsh UV light. [[A multistory building burns brightly, as the characters watch silently.]] [[Bald character is using a smartphone.]] Bald character: Ok, I'm googling insurance companies. Which one do you think pays the most? Hair'd character: Let's just try calling around. {{Title text: Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.}}

((There's a 2D chart.)) ((The vertical axis reads:)) not very worried <-- ... in real life --> very worried ((The chart itself includes the following items:)) <---------------- Chest wound --------------> * ... on your right side * ... on your left side * Getting knocked out by a punch * "We need to talk." * Persistent cough * Parking ticket * Breaking news * Spilling a drink on your shirt * Nosebleed ((The horizontal axis reads:)) not very worried <-- ... in movies --> very worried {{Title text: If the breaking news is about an event at a hospital or a lab, move it all the way over to the right.}}

[[Two characters meet. One is wearing a beret.]] Character: Any New Year's resolutions? Bereted character: Gonna figure out what email is. Character: ... Email? Bereted character: People always say they're sending them. They sound really into it, so I always nod, but I have no idea what it is. Character: You have an address on your website! [[The bereted character looks thoughtful.]] Bereted character: Oh, that's what that thing is. Character: Email is important! You can't just never check it. It's not like voicemail. Bereted character: Can't they just send messages normally? Character: How? Bereted character: Fax! Or snapchat. Character: ... The naked pic thing? Bereted character: Fax machines aren't just for faxting! {{Title text: My New Year's resolution for 2014-54-12 30 14 Dec:12:1420001642 is to learn these stupid time formatting strings.}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Character: What's up? Second character: they're announcing the winner of the compulsive phone-checking championship. [[The second character looks at their phone.]] [[Both characters stare silently at each other.]] [[The second character looks at their phone again.]] Character: Did you win? Second character: Site's down. Character: Weird. Second character: I'll keep refreshing. {{Title text: 'Where were you when you learned you'd won?' 'I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.'}}

[[There's a phone.]] ((It's surrounded by labels pointing at features of the phone. These are presented counterclockwise from the top.)) ((The following arrow points at a lozenge along the top edge of the screen.)) <-- Always-on speaker <-- MaxHD: Over 350 pixels per screen <-- Volume and density control <-- FitBit(r) Fitness Evaluator <-- Dog noticer <-- 3D Materials <-- OS by StackOverflow(r) ((The following arrow points at a button on the bottom edge of the screen.)) <-- Scroll lock ((The following arrow points at an opening on the bottom edge of the phone, where a charger would typically go.)) <-- Coin Slot ((The following arrow points at a small drawer where one would expect a SIM card to fit.)) <-- Bug drawer <-- Cries if lost <-- Cheek toucher <-- Googleable <-- Waterproof (Interior only) <-- Ribbed <-- Auto-rotating case ((The following arrow points at dots above the top edge of the screen.)) <-- Blood Pressure Reliever Introducing The xkcd Phone 2 A Phone For Your Other Hand(r) {{Title text: Washable, though only once.}}

[[Two characters are walking and talking.]] Character: Say Santa eats a cookie at every few houses. That's hundreds of tons. By the end of the night, he should be a hulking seven-story behemoth. Character: But he's not. [[The characters stop and face one another.]] Second character: What are you... Character: Does Santa poop in our houses? [[They continue to walk.]] Second character: No way. Character: That mass must be going somewhere. Second character: He has that magic bag... Character: You think he poops in the bag of presents ? [[The second character gestures thoughtfully.]] Second character: Maybe instead of pooping in every few houses, he waits, and then in a few houses, he poops a lot . Character: And what if no one's been that naughty? Second character: He picks at random. The needs of the many... {{Title text: He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.}}

[[An astronomy building is surrounded by trees. Inside it, someone is talking.]] Because of low oxygen, astronomers working at high altitude telescopes may need to write down their plans ahead of time while at sea level. Astronomer: Ok, let's head up to the observatory. [[Astronomers are in a van, driving swiftly up a hill.]] Astronomer: When we reach the summit, we'll check the iodine cell and do a general calibration. Second astronomer: Sounds good. [[The van reaches the top of the hill and parks in a flat area, near some telescope domes. The astronomers are still inside it.]] Astronomer: My head feels funny. Second astronomer: Look at those telescope domes. Astronomer: Maybe we should tape them down. [[The voices of the astromers have moved into one of the telescope domes.]] Second astronomer: Haha, look at this mirror! My face is huge! Astronomer: I see your face in the telescope! I discovered you! Second astronomer: Let's make out! {{Title text: "TURN OFF THE LASER GUIDE STAR" "WHY" "STAR CATS"}}

[[A human stands on a stage, pointing at a projected display.]] Human: We've designed a double-blind trial to test the effect of sexual activity on cardiovascular health. Human: Both groups will think they're having lots of sex, but one group will actually be getting sugar pills. The limitations of blind trials {{Title text: Plus, you have to control for the fact that some people are into being blindfolded.}}

((This comic is an infographic. A very good transcription is available in complete form here: http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1461 )) {{Title text: With a space elevator, a backyard full of solar panels could launch about 500 horses per year, and a large power plant could launch 10 horses per minute.}}

[[A person sits at a desk and peers at a laptop.]] SMFW an acronym almost makes sense. {{Title text: wtfw it's like smho tbfh, imdb.}}

[[White Hat Guy sits at a desk and types at a computer. Stick Guy looks over his shoulder. A balloon shows a list of documents on the screen: Untitled 138.docx Untitled 241.doc Untitled 138 copy.docx Untitled 138 copy2.docx Untitled 139.docx Untitled 40 MOM ADDRESS.jpg Untiled 242.doc Untitled 243.doc Untitled 243 IMPORTANT.doc Untitled41.doc ..and so on.]] SG: OH MY GOD. Protip: never look in someone else's documents folder. {{Title text: Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc}}

[[The exterior of the Millennium Falcon, watching as an Imperial Fighter approaches the Death Star in the distance. Voices from inside...]] Luke: He's heading for that small moon. Obi-Wan: That's no moon - it's a space station. [[The same view.]] Luke: It's too big to be a space station. Obi-Wan: But it's too small to be a moon. [[Three hours pass]] [[The Millennium Falcon in side view.]] Obi-Wan: Fine! What if we agree it's not a moon, but we make a new category called "dwarf moon"? Luke: And what's the cutoff, asshole?! Is this ship a dwarf moon now? Obi-Wan: Screw you. {{Title text: GENERAL JAN DODONNA: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has reinvigorated the arguments of the 'artificial moonlet' and 'rogue planet-station' camps. I fear this question is fracturing the Rebellion.}}

[[A person is standing on a chair with a mobile phone in one hand and a pineapple in the other. Another person is standing behind them.]] Person 2: Why are you standing on a chair holding a pineapple? Person 1: I wasn't getting good reception but now I am! The erratic feedback from a randomly-varying wireless signal can make you crazy. {{Title text: A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.}}

[[Two people are walking along together.]] Person 1: If we could land a man on the moon, why can't we - Person 2: - land a man on the moon? Person 1: ...ok, fair. But we're working on it, ok? {{Title text: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on Venus and returning him safely to--" [an aide frantically whispers in the president's ear for a moment] "... of landing a man on Venus."}}

[[Stick Guy, holding a newspaper, walks up to Black Hat, who is sitting at a desk and facing the other way.]] SG: Ever heard of the trolley problem? BH: No. What is it? [[Close up on Stick Guy.]] SG: A trolley is barreling towards five helpless people on the tracks. You can pull a lever to direct it onto another track, but- [[Black Hat turns his wheelie desk chair to face Stick Guy.]] BH: Can I reach the lever without getting up? SG: Wait, I'm not- BH: In this scenario, how busy am I? [[Stick Guy and Black Hat facing each other.]] SG: I guess I forgot who I was talking to. BH: For a dollar, I'll promise to pull the lever if one of the five people is you. {{Title text: For $5 I promise not to orchestrate this situation, and for $25 I promise not to take further advantage of this ability to create incentives.}}

[[A woman with dark curly hair is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]] Curly: (typing) I had started to think I was asking too much, that I needed to settle. And then I found you half a world away. [[Close-up on Curly.]] Curly: (typing) I've been saving money. Six months from now, I'll be able to fly you here and support us for a while. [[Same as first panel.]] Curly: (typing) It's a long wait, but we'll talk every day until then. May this won't work out, but I want to try. What do you think? [[She stops typing.]] Computer: ERROR: Your message could not be sent. [refresh] ERROR: No connection. [[A light-haired woman with a ponytail walks in.]] Curly: Why can't I connect? Ponytail: Someone saw a ridiculous video and said, "That's it, shut down the internet, we're done." So they did. [[Looks sadly down at the laptop, hands in her lap.]] Curly: ...but... I wasn't done. {{Title text: I'm sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.}}

[[A person stands on a stage, pointing at an fMRI of a brain projected on a screen.]] Person: Our fMRI study found that subjects performing simple memory tasks showed activity in the parts of the brain associated with loud noises, claustrophobia, and the removal of jewelry. {{Title text: They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won't stop talking about Warped Tour.}}

[[White Hat guy and another person are walking along.]] WH: In Jurassic World , we've used genetic engineering to invent a better Dinosaur. OP: Tyrannosaurus is the most charismatic animal that ever lived, and you think you'll upstage it? [[They continue to walk along.]] WH: Tyrannosaurus was cool, but it's two decades old! OP: I think it's a little older than that. [[As they walk along, White Hat points up at something in front of them.]] WH: We took Tyrannosaurus and we improved it. Made it scarier, deadlier, smarter. == Look- there it is! [[The pair are dwarfed in comparison to the T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics.]] {{Title text: Hey guys! What's eating you? Ha ha ha it's me! Oh, what fun we have.}}

What I Pay Attento to In Movies: [[A pie chart with a small slice labeled 'plot, characters', and the vast majority labeled 'computer screens shown briefly in the background'. Below, two people are watching TV, one from an armchair, one from the floor in front of them.]] Floor: Hang on - that blurry map behind the General shows one of the alien ships is in Greenland! Why Greenland?! Armchair: Can we please just watch the movie? {{Title text: No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.}}

[[Black Hat Guy walks up to Stick Guy, who has a laptop and a cardboard box on the floor.]] BH: What's in there? SG: The AI-Box experiment. [[A close up on the box, which is hooked up to the laptop with a USB cable. Writing on the box says "Superintelligent AI - do not open."}} SG: A superintelligent AI can convince anyone of anything, so if it can talk to us, there's no way we could keep it contained. [[Black Hat Guy reaches down toward the box.]] SG: It can always convince us to let it out of the box. BH: Cool. Let's open it. [[Black Hat picks up and opens the box. A little glowy ball comes out of it.]] SG: -- NO, WAIT!! [[The two stare up at it, Black Hat is still holding the box..]] AI: (in a wavy speech bubble filled with outer space, in a white serif font) hey. i liked that box. put me back. BH: No. [[The background from the previous panel's speech bubble (black with stars) expands to fill the whole panel, and the AI glows brightly. Stick Guy puts his hands up to shield his face. Black Hat opens the box.]] AI: (in big white block letters) LET ME BACK INTO THE BOX BH: AAA! OK!!! [[The panel returns to normal as the AI flies back down into the box.]] *shoop* [[Black Hat puts the box back down on the floor and both stare at it.]] {{Title text: I'm working to bring about a superintelligent AI that will eternally torment everyone who failed to make fun of the Roko's Basilisk people.}}

[[An elliptical map projection of the supercontinents Laurasia and Gondwana.]] Laurasia: Red rover, red rover, send India over! [[India breaks off from Gondwana and shifts towards Laurasia.]] How the Himalayas formed. {{Title text: I just learned about the Slide Mountain Ocean, which I like because it's three nouns that sound like they can't possibly all refer to the same thing.}}

[[A post-it note which reads, Dear Isaac Do you like me? (box)Yes (box)No (handwritten in red ink - a checked box) there is as yet insufficient data for a meaningful answer]] {{Title text: The universe long dead, Isaac surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. 'I like you,' he declared to the void, 'but I don't LIKE like you.'}}

[[Simply text, cropped at the very top of the first line and very bottom of the last line to give the impression it is a snippet of a longer text. Reads: Many meta-analysis studies include the phrase "we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for studies..." This has led to meta-meta-analysses comparing meta-analysis methods. eg. M Sampson (2003), PL Royle (2005) E Lee (2011), AR Lemeshow (2005) We performed a meta-meta-meta-analysis of these meta-meta-analyses. Methods: We searched Medline, embase, and Cochrane for the phrase 'we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for the phrase "we searched Medline, Embase, and]] Life Goal #28: Get a paper rejected with the comment "too meta" {{Title text: Life goal #29 is to get enough of them rejected that I can publish a comparative analysis of the rejection letters.}}

((The current status of Philae, the lander that accompanied the Rosetta spacecraft in order to land on comet 67P Churyumov–Gerasimenko. A very thorough explanation of the comic is available here: http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1446:_Landing )) {{Title text: [LIVE]}}

{{Title text: I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.}} Time Cost [[Bar graph]] Strategy A [[Small bar]] Strategy B [[Slightly larger bar than A]] Analyzing whether strategy A or B is more efficient [[Bar several times the length of A or B]] The reason I am so inefficient

{{Title text: Cloud computing has a ways to go.}} [[Man and woman laying on the ground]] Man: What do you think that cloud looks like? [[Woman takes a picture with her phone]] <<Snap>> [[Man sits up and looks at woman]] Phone: Google -> Search by image Phone: [Uploading...] [[Man lies back down]] Phone: Best guess for this image: Cloud Man: Keep trying, Google.

{{Title text: Not to go all sentence fragment on you.}} [[Man and woman standing]] Woman: I don't mean to go all language nerd on you, but I just legit adverbed "legit," verbed "adverb," and adjectived "language nerd."

{{Title text: These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.}} ((Capital letter H with circles on each of the legs of the H)) Hydrogen can form four bonds. It readily bonds with itself, and often exists as a crystal. ((Image of several letters H "bonded" labeled crystalline hydrogen)) ((Capital letter C with circles on each end of the letter)) Carbon can only form two bonds. It readily bonds with hydrogen to form C₂H (mydrane) or itself. ((Image of two letters C linked labeled C₂)) ((Image of two letters C linked with a letter H between them labeled C₂H)) ((Capital letter O)) Oxygen is inert, forming no bonds... ((Image of several letters O labeled monatomic oxygen gas)) Typographic chemistry

[[Two figures are engaged in a fight with laser pistols. Figure 1 is standing behind a small box, firing his gun at figure 2.]] [[Figure 2 is kneeling behind a larger box, returning fire.]] [[Figure 1 leaps on top of the larger box, knocking figure 2 backwards and off balance. Figure 2 fires wildly into the air.]] [[Figure 1 is standing on the box. Figure 2 is sprawled on the ground, laser pistol out of reach, at gunpoint.]] Figure 1: Any last words? Figure 2: "Apollo retroreflectors." Figure 1: What? [[Figure 1 gets shot in the back by the returning beam of figure 2's wild shot.]] {{Title text: Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say 'Apollo retroreflector' really fast, just in case.}}

[[A figure and a woman lie on the ground, looking up at the sky. A flock of geese fly into frame in a V.]] [[The geese fly across the panel.]] [[The geese have passed. The woman points at the sky.]] Woman: To think... we're seeing light that left those geese centuries ago. By now, they could be long dead. [[The figure props himself up to turn around and look at her.]] Figure: ... What? They're a few hundred yards away. I hear them honking. Woman: Ah, yes. You're hearing how they once sounded. Figure: You're very weird. Woman: Or I was, long ago... {{Title text: Anyway, that's a common misconception. Geese live for a long time; all the ones we can see will probably keep flying around for billions of years before they explode.}}

[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman sitting at a computer desk.]] Black hat guy: I've discovered something. Woman: Oh? [[We see a close-up of black hat guy's face.]] Black hat guy: Standard server rack units and standard beehive honeycomb frames are compatible. They're both 19 inches, with similar pitches. Woman: Uh oh. [[The woman has turned round in her chair to look at black hat guy.]] Black hat guy: I'm pleased to announce that today, for a few hours, Google led the world in datacenter honey production. Until their security people kicked me out. [[The woman turns back to her computer, while black hat guy walks off.]] Woman: I'm sorry your beekeeping career ended so quickly. Black hat guy: I'll find a new datacentre. Turns out most colocation TOSes don't mention beehives. Woman: I suspect that will soon change. {{Title text: There's also nothing in the TOSes that says you can't let a dog play baseball in the server room!}}

[[A spacecraft floats in outer space, the earth far in the background. Bits of it have broken off.]] Orbiter transmission: Houston, we have a problem [[A figure with a headset sits at a computer desk with two monitors. Figure: Cool. [[We see a close-up of the figure.]] Orbiter transmission: ... What? Houston, we stirred our O2 tank and it exploded! Figure: Sounds like you suck at stirring. [[We see the orbiter in space, far from the planet.]] Orbiter transmission: ... Houston? Are you- Figure: Listen, I've got another call. Good luck landing your airplane or whatever. <<Click>> {{Title text: 'Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.'}}

{{Title text: 'Can't you just use the LHC you already built to find it again?' 'We MAY have disassembled it to build a death ray.' 'Just one, though.' 'Nothing you should worry about.' 'The death isn't even very serious.'}} [[Woman standing at a podium with man behind her]] Person off scene: Tell us about your proposal. Woman: We're requesting $3 billion in funding to find the Higgs Boson. Person off scene: ... wait. Didn't you already find it a year or two ago? Man: Yes, well, um. [[Zoom into woman]] Woman: ... ok, this is embarrassing. Man off scene: See, the thing is--- [[Zoom out to original scene]] Person off scene: Don't tell us you lost it already. Woman: Look. In our defense it's really small.

{{Title text: Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we'll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won't bring us very many rocks.}} [[Two people talking]] Person 1: You know that glowing orb in the night sky? Person 2: Yeah? Person 1: Let's go hit it with a hammer until little pieces break off, then bring the pieces back and lock them in a closet. Person 2: Sounds good! The Apollo program was weird.

{{Title text: When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'}} [[Scene with television]] <<Beep>><<Beep>><<Beep>><<Beep>> Television reading "E.A.S. Incoming presidential alert" [[Television showing the President of the United States of America]] President: My fellow Americans. ((pause)) I, uhhh. Wow. President: Frankly, I didn't realize what this button did. I was just... I mean... I appear before you tonight to, um. President: Look, uhh... Remember to floss regularly. Oral hygiene is important. ((pause)) Thank you.

{{Title text: Water ice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking 'where do birds go when it rains' is like asking 'where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?'}} [[Man sitting at a desk using a computer]] Man: "Where do birds go when it rains?" is my new favorite Google search. Woman ((off scene)): Why: [[Zoom out to show man and woman]] Man: It gives the answer, but also shows you an endless torrent of other people asking the same question. Pages and pages of them, across regions and cultures. [[Showing only the computer displaying Google search results]] Man: I love the idea that somehow this is the universal question, the thing that unites us. When it rains we wonder where the birds go, and hope they're staying dry. ((Large infographic-like collage of results of "where do birds go when it rains?")) [[Bird standing on a power line]] [[Zoom in on bird as it's starting to rain]] [[Zoom out and bird is in the middle of a rain storm]] [[Bird flies down toward a phone on the ground]] [[Bird stands on the phone]] [[Bird tapping on the phone]] Bird ((tapping)): W...h...e...r...e... d...o... b...i...r...d...s...

{{Title text: A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.}} [[Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]] Darth Vader: I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. [[Darth Vader turns on the lightsaber]] <<Snap>><<Hiss>> [[Darth Vader looks at the light saber]] Darth Vader: Where does it end? Luke: Doesn't Someone off-scene: Hull breach all along sector five!!

{{Title text: 'It's not actually ... it's a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that's not the one we're in, to gain a broader understanding about it.' 'oh, like a boat!' '...' 'Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.'}} [[Woman talking to a man]] Woman: Just for the sake of argument, let's say that-- Man: -- wait, for the sake of what? [[Zoom in on man]] Woman ((off scene)): Argument. Man: Ok, cool, that's totally a good reason to say something that's wrong. Gotta have arguments. [[Zoom out to original scene]] Woman: I'm just playing devil's advocate. Man: Ok. So you saw an argument where one side was the devil, and you were like "man, that guy could use an advocate." [[Zoom out and in silhouette]] Woman: It's... why are you being so difficult? Man: For the sake of argument. Woman: Argh! Man: Yay, it's working!

{{Title text: People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.}} [[Graph denoting the percentage of population living in states with either living with legal interracial marriage (red solid line), legal same-sex marriage (blue solid line) and the popular approval of interracial marriage (red dashed line) and same-sex marriage (blue dashed line)]]

{{Title text: Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!}} [[Man and woman talking]] Man: What do you do? Woman: I make software that predicts how proteins will fold. [[Same scene layout, second panel]] Man: Is that a hard problem? Woman: Someone may someday find a harder one. [[Same scene layout, third panel]] Man: Why is it so hard? Woman: Have you ever made a folded paper crane? Man: Yeah. [[Same scene layout, fourth panel]] Woman: Imagine figuring out the folds to make an actual living crane. Man: ... just folds? Can I make cuts? Woman: If you can fold a protease enzyme.

{{Title text: If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.}} [[Person reading from their phone]] Person: According to this polling data, after Kirk and Picard the most popular Star Trek character are Data. Person off scene: Augh! ((Below scene)) Annoy grammar pedants on all sides by making "data" singular except when referring to the android.

{{Title text: I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.}} [[Man being interviewed at a desk by a woman]] Man: My motto is "move fast and break things." ((below scene)) Jobs I've been fired from -- Fedex driver Crane operator Surgeon Air traffic controller Pharmacist Museum curator Waiter Dog walker Oil tanker captain Violinist Mars rover driver Massage therapist