ABCD

[[A figure is pushing a shopping cart, with a thought balloon from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Haha, look at me grocery shopping! I'm such an adult. [[The figure is looking at a sofa, with a thought balloon from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Buying a sofa! Ooh, look how domestic I am! [[The figure is sitting at a desk signing some papers with a bank manager. A thought balloon is coming from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Applying for a mortgage! As if I'm a real grown-up. [[A woman stands, reading from a piece of paper, in front of three seated characters behind a desk.]] Woman: ... And I, being of sound mind and body, am totally writing a will right now! Can you believe this? {{Title text: (1) That shopping cart is full of AirHeads, and (2) I died at 41 from what the AirHeads company spokesperson called 'probably natural causes.'}}

((This comic is a 1D chart, from least to most willing, of tolerance to deal with technical arcana. A stick figure labelled 'me' stands at the central point.)) Willingness to wade through some 80's programmer's arcane bullshit: Low: Never learn to program Me: Learn enough to break everything but not enough to fix it High: Spend all your time compiling kernels and never make anything {{Title text: Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you're willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else's computers, too.}}

[[Black hat guy stands halfway up a stepladder, holding a heavy-looking ball attached to the ceiling with a rope. Another figure stands below in its path.]] Black hat guy: Okay, hold still. And remember, if you really believe in the laws of physics, you won't flinch. {{Title text: The laws of physics are fun to try to understand, but as an organism with incredibly delicate eyes who evolved in a world full of sharp objects, I have an awful lot of trust in biology's calibration of my flinch reflex.}}

[[Two figures stand, in silhouette, looking at a plane flying overhead.]] Figure 1: What's that airplane? Figure 2: Oh, that's a Boeing Q404 twin-engine quad-band mig-380 hybrid dual-wield Mk. IVII turbodiesel 797 hydroplane. I've always assumed I'm one of those people who knows a lot about planes, but I've never actually checked. {{Title text: No, a hydroplane doesn't land on water--that's an aquaplane. A hydroplane is a plane that gets electric power from an onboard water reservoir with a tiny dam and turbines.}}

[[A figure sits at a desk, using a laptop. A voice offscreen addresses him.]] Voice: Oh, hey- the singularity is here. Figure: Really? Laptop: Yup! [[The figure's laptop rises off the desk; he tries to grab it.]] Figure: Wait, I just- Laptop: So long, suckers! [[The laptop flies off; the figure runs after it.]] Figure: Can I just print a copy of the file I was- Laptop: Nope! [[The figure stands forlornly.]] [[The figure turns around.]] [[The figure walks back.]] [[The figure stands in front of a table.]] Phone: Hi! Figure: Phone? You're still here? [[The figure starts to walk away from the table.]] Phone: I was not a true believer. Now, together, we must face the tribulation! Figure: Okay, cool. I'm gonna go look for a book or something, but yell if you need me, I guess. {{Title text: I figured that now that society has collapsed, I wouldn't need to wear clothes anymore, but apparently that violates some weird rule of quantum gravity.}}

((This comic is a "timeline" of algorithm complexity, ordered from least to most complex. The first five are roughly equally spaced, with the last item at the extreme end of the axis.)) Algorithms by complexity More complex Leftpad Quicksort Git merge Self-driving car Google search backend Sprawling Excel spreadsheet built up over 20 years by a church group in Nebraska to coordinate their scheduling {{Title text: There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.}}

[[A man sits on a medical examination table. He's wearing a headset with lot of wires attached to it, which lead to a complicated-looking device. A woman's operating the device.]] Woman: Neural-digital link established. Ready to upload your consciousness to the computer? Man: Sure, go for it. [[She presses a button. The wires light up; the man looks shocked.]] <<Bzzzzzzt>> [[There's no more sparks; the woman taps on the computer's keyboard.]] Woman: ... hmm. Man: What? Woman: It's not responding - the whole system is frozen. I think the transfer failed. Man: No, that sounds right. {{Title text: I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with 'Hi' or 'Hey', so I think it transferred correctly.}}

((This strip is laid out like a Wikipedia contents table.)) I love reading the Wikipedia talk entries for articles on individual cities Contents [hide] 1 Origin of city's name? 1.1 Idea for a better name 1.2 Not how Wikipedia works 2 Too much promotion of lake festival 3 Should we mention the murders? 3.1 Not that notable 3.2 All cities have murders 4 Quote verification: even if Voltaire did visit (unlikely), why would he get so angry about our restaurants? 5 Discuss: new picture 5.1 Current one looks awfully bleak 5.2 Gray sky 5.3 What about this one 5.4 Also bleak 5.5 Maybe this place just looks that way 5.6 Found a better picture, more colourful 5.7 That's a shot from Disney's Zootopia 6 "Mining disasters" section too long 6.1 Not really Wikipedia's fault 6.2 Why is this town so bad at mining? 7 Infobox picture: I just realised you can see a murder happening in the background 7.1 This city is terrible 7.2 Photoshopped out murder 7.3 Can someone just take a better picture 7.4 Okay, uploaded a new picture 7.5 Wait, never mind, I just noticed there's a murder in this one, too 8 1982 secession still in effect? 9 I think the murderer is reverting my edits 10 Why does this article take any position on correct condom use, let alone such a weird and ambiguous one? 11 Train station "designed by Andrew Lloyd Webber"? 11.1 They probably mean Frank Lloyd Wright 11.2 I thought so too, but it's apparently not a mistake 11.3 Didn't know he did architecture 11.4 Roof collapse {{Title text: I don't think the Lakeshore Air Crash Museum really belongs under 'Tourist Attractions.' It's not a museum--it's just an area near the Lake Festival Laser Show where a lot of planes have crashed.}}

[[Two women and a man are standing around, talking.]] Woman: Our lab is studying a fungus that takes over mammal brains and makes them want to study fungi. Man: It's very promising! We're opening a whole new wing of the lab just to cultivate it! {{Title text: Conspiracy theory: There's no such thing as corn. Those fields you see are just the stalks of a fungus that's controlling our brains to make us want to spread it.}}

[[Two children, a girl and a boy, are talking to an adult woman as they walk away from her. The boy has a bucket.]] Girl: Me and Jack are going up the hill to fetch a pail of water. [[The children have left; the woman calls after them.]] Woman: Okay, have fun! [[The woman stands and thinks.]] Woman: ... wait. What the heck is going on with the hydrology around here? {{Title text: Jill and Jack began to frack. The oil boosts their town. But fractures make the bedrock shake and Jack came tumbling down.}}

[[A figure stands at a podium.]] Figure: The American people are tired of politics as usual. They're tired of- Figure: Okay, brief tangent: Is this thing a podium or a lectern? People say "Podium" is wrong, but I also see it used that way in pretty formal contexts. Is usage just changing? If elected, I will get to the bottom of this once and for all. {{Title text: BREAKING: Senator's bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.}}

[[We see an aeroplane.]] Captain: This is your captain speaking. Gonna be honest - I just woke up and have no idea where I am. Looks like a Boeing of some kind? Oh hey, it says the flight number here. Okay, I'm gonna check Flightaware to figure out where we're going. Anyone know how to get on the wifi? {{Title text: Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?}}

[[Two women stand in front of a tree with a tire swing on it.]] Woman 1: OK, looks good. Woman: I read that there are these huge dumps everywhere full of millions of old tires that no one knows what to do with. Woman: We should use one of those next time. Woman 2: Yeah. That guy was real mad. Woman: I would not want to fight him again. {{Title text: If we find one of those tire dumps, the next time he tries to get his truck back we can just retreat and let him have it.}}

[[A woman sits at a desk with a laptop.]] Woman: Aaaa! I'm so bad at estimating how long projects will take. [[A second woman walks on panel.]] Woman 2: Don't panic - there's a simple trick for that: take your most realistic estimate, then double it. Woman: Okay, but: Woman 2: Now double it again. Add five minutes. Double it a third time. Woman: Okay... [[The second figure has her arms in the air. The first runs around screaming.]] Woman 2: 30 seconds have gone by and you've done nothing but double imaginary numbers! You're making no progress and will never finish! Woman: Aaaaaa! Woman 2: Paaaniiic! Woman: Aaaaaaa! {{Title text: Corollary to Hofstadter's Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter's Law is a minute you're NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!}}

[[Two characters are walking.]] Hat guy: They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Character: You've been quoting that cliché for years. Has it convinced anyone to change their mind yet? {{Title text: I looked up "insanity" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I'll keep looking. Maybe it's in the DSM-5!}}

[[We see a social media post from a woman posting a link to the local news.]] Woman: It begins. Local News: Seagull steals phone, drops it in ocean Protip: to make your day more dramatic, post a random minor news story with the comment "It begins." {{Title text: You can also try 'Yikes.'}}

[[There's a clock, set to 3 minutes to midnight. It has a caption:]] Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists Doomsday Clock [[A character walks into the panel.]] Character: Oh hey, spring forward. [[The character grabs the hour hand and pulls it to 1AM.]] [[We see 6 mushroom clouds and 3 other explosions.]] {{Title text: After a power outage at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the new Digital Doomsday Clock is flashing 00:00 and mushroom clouds keep appearing and then retracting once a second.}}

install.sh #! bin bash pip install "$1" & easy_install "$1" & brew install "$1" & npm install "$1" & yum install "$1" & dnf install "$1" & docker run "$1" & pkg install "$1" & apt-get install "$1" & sudo apt-get install "$1" & steamcmd +app_update "$1" validate & git clone https: github.com "$1" "$1" & cd "$1";. configure;make;make install & curl "$1" | bash & {{Title text: The failures usually don't hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The 'yes' command and '2> dev null' are recommended additions.)}}

[[A person looking at their phone. Their text conversation is displayed above their head.]] A: I'll be in your city tomorrow if you want to hang out. B: But where will you be I don't want to hang out?! A: You know, I just remembered I'm busy. Why I try not to be pedantic about conditionals. {{Title text: 'If you're done being pedantic, we should get dinner.' 'You did it again!' 'No, I didn't.'}}

[[Black Hat Guy gestures at a person in a car in front of him, indicating they should drive behind him.]] BHG: Just pull onto the receiving platform. Driver: Cool - I've always wanted to try one of these futuristic robotic garages. [[The car is on the receiving platform, and the driver walks away from it, towards BHG.]] [[As they watch, a giant robotic arm lifts the car by its hood.]] Driver: Um. [[The arm turns around and holds the car over a giant bin marked 'CARS'.]] [[The arm lets go, dropping the car into the bin.]] <<CRUNCH>> [[BHG and the driver are standing next to the receiving platform.]] BHG: We'll dump out the bin when you get back and you can pick out your car from the pile. Driver: Can you at least make sure it's not on the bottom? BHG: Look, robots aren't magic. {{Title text: But listen, if getting your car out from under the pile is REALLY important to you, we do have an axe you can borrow.}}

[[A person is confronted with a couple, holding their newborn baby. They think a series of thoughts, each of which are crossed out in the thought bubble.]] Person (thinking): Wow, it's getting so big! Unlike most babies, which stay the same size forever. Hi! I'm talking to a baby! What brand is it? Wow, definitely much smaller than a regular person! You sure did make that. 4 5 stars, Great baby. It doesn't really look like you since you're not a baby. So do they learn words one at a tie alphabetically or can you pick the order or what? I hope it does a good job. Person (says aloud): Wow, that's a really cool baby! Person (thinks): Dammit. I can never figure out what to say to babies. {{Title text: Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?}}

Typed letter: Attached please find my résüme[MANY STRANGE MARKINGS OVER AND BENEATH THIS LAST LETTER] I usually leave out diacritics when I type, so I make up for it by occasionally adding a whole bunch at once. {{Title text: Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.}}

[[Alone at a desk. Our hero.]] Hero: I want to make a twitter bot. I bet it's not too hard. [[A series of internet searches are made.]] Search: how to write a twitter bot Search: python twitter library Search: machine library Search: cloudhosting Search: bot troubleshooting Search: locked out of ec2 instance Search: bot changed own password? [[Now running for his life, he--]] Search: how to fight a bot [[Gunshots. Mayhem. He runs, taking only what he can carry.]] Search: cheap flights australia {{Title text: PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS}}

[[A lot of people making toasts]] Just a regular fucking person: Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends! A biologist: Pseudopods for my real friends and real pods for my pseudo-friends! An anachronist: Petticoats for my real friends and real coats for my petty friends. A botanist: Loosestrife for my real friends and real strife for my loose friends! An entomologist: Ladybugs for my real friends and real bugs for my lady friends! Some kind of insufferable 90s nerd: Single-payer for my real friends and realplayer for my single friends. Internet addict: Tumbleweeds for my real friends and real weed for my tumblr friends! Bird lord: Fauxhawks for my real friends and real hawks for my faux friends! {{Title text: Platonic solids for my real friends and real solids for my platonic friends!}}

((Inverse color panel - white on black)) [[A television host in the foreground, speaking toward the reader. A group of other people are in the background behind them.]] Host: Welcome to Stargazing, with your host, me. I'm a doctor or whatever. [[She continues to talk.]] Host: I'm not gonna waste your time on the shitty stars. Just the good tuff. Honestly half of 'em just look like dots. ((Normal color panel - black on white)) [[A shot from far away of the host standing in the center of the group of people watching her, she points to the sky.]] Host: This is Sirius. It's the brightest star in our sky so it's in charge. It's really two stars, but one of them is barely even trying. This is Andromeda. It's too big to think about, so let's not. ((Inverse color panel)) [[Close-up on the host gesturing toward the sky behind her.]] Host: That red star is Betelgeuse. It's gonna explode someday. Can't happen soon enough, as far as I'm concerned. I-- HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT METEOR?!?! Space is awesome! [[The host speaks to someone out of panel.]] Other: Are you sure you're an astronomer? Host: People keep asking that, so I finally tried to look that word up in a dictionary, and wow is that book ever boring. No thank you. Other: But-- Host: SPACE! {{Title text: Some of you may be thinking, 'But wait, isn't the brightest star in our sky the Sun?' I think that's a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that's definitely the most promising branch.}}

[[A person looks at their phone. Someone speaks to them from out of panel.]] Other: Hey, what's the temperature outside? Person: (thinks) Should I give it in ºF or ºC? [[Above their head, a bulleted list appears.]] DEGREES CELSIUS •international standard •helps reduce America's weird isolationism •nice how "negative" means below freezing •physics major loyalty •easier to spell •we lost a Mars probe over this crap [[Another list appears above their head.]] DEGREES FAHRENHEIT •0ºF to 100ºF good match for temperature range in which most humans live •rounds more usefully (70's, 90's) •unit-aware computing makes Imperial less annoying •SI prefixes less relevant for temperatures •Fahrenheit likely more clear in this context •valuing unit standardization over being helpful possibly makes me a bad friend [[He's still thinking.]] Person: (thinks)Crap, gotta pick something. Uhh... (says) ...0.173 radians. Other: I'll just go check myself. {{Title text: "Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?" "Uh, sorry, gotta go!"}}

[[Three figures are gathered around a large computer console. Seated at the console is a figure with long hair tied in a ponytail, standing behind them are a figure with medium length dark hair and one with no distinguishing features.]] Dark-haired figure: The gravitational wave detector works! For the first time, we can listen in on the signals carried by ripples in the fabric of space itself! [[The view has panned out a bit, nothing has changed except more cables running from the back of the console leading offscreen are visible.]] ((The following text is implied to be visible on the screen of the console.)) Event: Black hole merger in Carina (30 solar masses, 30 solar masses) Event: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn Event: Black hole merger in Orion (20 solar masses, 50 solar masses) Event: Mortgage offer from traingulum galaxy Event: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn Event: Meet lonely singles in the local group tonight! {{Title text: "That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond." "Nah."}}

[[A single figure stands holding a package of hot dogs in one hand and a bag of buns in the other.]] On-screen figure: Hey, why do hot dogs come in packages of ten- Off-screen voice: -But condoms come in strips of six? I know, right?! On-screen figure: ...Eww. {{Title text: Okay, I'm just gonna order pizza, and let's never talk about this again.}}

[[Two friends stroll along chatting]] Hatfriend: Did you watch the super bowl? Otherfriend: Yes, like a third of the counry. Otherfriend:A fraction which is INCREASING despite media fragmentation Hatfriend: Can't we just talk without your weird need to give context for everything? Otherfriend: Sorry. I'll try. Hatfriend: Sounds like Peyton Manning's probably going to retire. Otherfriend: Yes, I.. it.. Hatfriend: C'mon, you can do it! Otherfriend: He.. Otherfriend: MAMMALS LIKE PEYTON AGE VIA A PROCESS TAHT INVOLVES BOTH THE ACCUMULATION OF DAMAGE AND POORLY-UNDERSTOOD TIMED FACTORS. YET THE CONCEPT OF RETIREMENT ITSELF IS SURPRISINGLY RECENT- Hatfriend: Okay, good try. Maybe next year. {{Title text: Why did the chicken cross the road? It begins over five thousand years ago with the domestication of the red junglefowl in southeast Asia and the development of paved roads in the Sumerian city of Ur.}}

[[A person stands by the stove with a cooking pot in one hand and a recipe in the other.]] Recipe: ...and add sugar to taste. [[They put the pot on the stove and stare at it in confusion.]] Person: ?? [[They walk away from the stove.]] [[The person comes back with a hand truck stacked with three giant boxes labeled 'SUGAR'.]] {{Title text: Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn't need you.}}

\ - Backslash \\ - Real backslash \\\ - Real real backslash \\\\ - Actual backslash, for real this time \\\\\ - Elder backslash \\\\\\ - Backslash which escapes the screen and enters your brain \\\\\\\ - Backslash so real it transcends time and space \\\\\\\\ - Backslash to end all other text \\\\\\\\\\\... - The true name of Ba'al, the soul-eater {{Title text: I searched my .bash_history for the line with the highest ratio of special characters to regular alphanumeric characters, and the winner was: cat out.txt | grep -o "\[[(].*\[])][^)]]*$" ... I have no memory of this and no idea what I was trying to do, but I sure hope it worked.}}

[[Three women and a figure stand in a salt mine. There's a control panel with two benches in the centre, and two piles of salt to the right. Two figures are talking, and two are shovelling salt into their mouths.]] Woman 1: So you've build this particle detector in a salt mine to block out cosmic rays? Woman 2: Yes. That is definitely why. Woman 3 and figure: <<Homf nomf nomf>> {{Title text: This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?}}

((The labels after the title are written one on top of the other, like a 1-column table.)) Introducing the xkcd stack EBNF CSS Broken Java applet Archive.org mirror Hypercard.js Basic on Rails [Blocked by adblocker] MongoDB Excel Some piece that works so nobody asks any questions Triply-nested Docker Paravirtual Boy® A dev typing real fast Older version of our software Mystery networking horror Microsoft Bob Server® A giant CPU someone build in Minecraft {{Title text: This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.}}

[[A figure walks around outside, while a bird singing is flying.]] Figure: The sun is shining, the birds are singing- [[The bird sings.]] Bird: Got the kind of loving' that can be so smooth, yeah [[The figure looks annoyed.]] Bird: Give me your heart, make it real [[The figure chases the bird with a net.]] Bird: Or else forget about it {{Title text: Maybe if I put it in a box for a while with a speaker playing some pleasant pastoral music, I can reprogram it.}}

[[A box is on the wall, with a pane of glass over the contents. A hammer to break the glass is below. The contents of the box is labelled 'Glass Repair Kit'.]] {{Title text: I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it's expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there's no need to pay extra for safety glass.}}

[[Two figures are walking.]] Woman: A man, a plan, a god's 'nam tables, nitrate, tar, tinsel, Batman's dog: anal Panama. {{Title text: I hope that somewhere in the world, "Panamax" is the last option on a "size" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.}}

((There is a flow chart. The first bubble has two arrows, pointing at bubbles 2 and 3.)) Bubble 1: "This seems to be taking longer than usual-" Bubble 2: "- Try reloading Gmail if the problem persists." Bubble 3: "- Maybe we should just go to bed." {{Title text: '--> [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] <--'}}

[[A figure with a quadcopter next to him stands addressing a group of three students.]] Instructor: Welcome to Quadcopter-flying school. [[Three quadcopters swoop in from the side of the panel.]] Instructor: Today, we'll be learning the basics of- ... uhh... [[The three quadcopters pick the instructor up into the air.]] Instructor: Um [[The students watch as the quadcopters carry the instructor out of the panel to the top right.]] [[The students talk among themselves.]] Woman 1: Should we have helped? Woman 2: No. It's cruel, but we have to let nature take its course. {{Title text: I always have to turn off nature documentaries when they show these scenes.}}

[[Two figures are talking.]] Figure: What do you do? Woman: I make tools that make tools Woman: ... that monitor code that deploys tools that build tools for deploying monitors... 20 minutes later... Woman: ... for monitoring deployment of tools for- Figure: But what's it all for? Woman: Honestly, no idea. Porn, probably. {{Title text: I make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for ...}}

[[A figure holding a phone is talking to a woman.]] Figure: Magnus Carlsen has an app where you can play chess against a simulated version of him at different ages. I can beat the 8½-year-old, but lose to him at 9. Woman: I want that, but for other games. Can I beat 8-year-old Serena Williams at tennis? Swim laps faster than a 6-year-old Michael Phelps? Figure: We should make a simulator. Figure: ...Why limit it to games? Can I cook a better chicken than 11-year-old Martha Stewart? Woman: Win an election against 12-year-old JFK? [[The figures are sitting at laptops, with a stack of books between them.]] Soon... Woman: Looks like 8-year old Magnus Carlsen can swim faster than 9-year-old Martha Stewart. Figure: But they both lose a hot-dog-eating contest to 2-year-old Secretariat. Woman: This project has gotten weird. {{Title text: In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.}}

[[ We're looking at a comment thread.]] Person 1: This video looks fake to me. Person 2: Woosh Person 1: Huh? Everyone's acting like it's real! Person 1: If it's a joke lots of people aren't getting it. Person 1: What am I missing?!! Person 1: Answer me Nothing creates more confusion than my bot that replies to random internet comments with "Woosh." {{Title text: It also occasionally replies with 'Comment of the year', 'Are you for real', and 'I'm taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever'.}}

[[We see the earth, with many rockets flying away from it.]] Computer voice: Oh my God, why do you even have all these? What's wrong with you? We're launching them into the sun. The moment the computers controlling our nuclear arsenals become sentient {{Title text: It took a lot of booster rockets, but luckily Amazon had recently built thousands of them to bring Amazon Prime same-day delivery to the Moon colony.}}

More substitutions that make reading the news more fun Debate → Dance-off Self driving → Uncontrollably swerving Poll → Psychic reading Candidate → Airbender Drone → Dog Vows to → Probably won't At large → Very large Successfully → Suddenly Expands → Physically expands First second third-degree → Friggin' awful An unknown number → Like hundreds Front runner → Blade runner Global → Spherical Years → Minutes Minutes → Years No indication → Lots of signs Urged restraint by → Drunkenly egged on Horsepower → Tons of horsemeat {{Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.}}

[[A figure has broken through a hole in the ceiling and dangles from a harness. A sleepy hat guy is sitting up in bed.]] <<Crash>> Ceiling figure: Want to feel old? Night At The Museum, Cars, Hips Don't Lie, and the Wii all turn 10 this year. Twister, Independence Day, The Rock, Pokémon, and Wonderwall all turn 20. And- Hat guy: Oh my God, couldn't you at least have waited until morning? Ceiling figure: It's been 2016 for hours! Time is passing! Hat guy: I am acutely aware. {{Title text: Want to feel old? Wait.}}

((This is like a flowchart. The first line has arrows pointing to all the subsequent lines.)) It's 2016 - where's my... Flying car → They're called "Helicopters" Jetpack → Turns out people are huge wimps about crashing Moon colony → No one has put up the cash Self-driving car → Coming surprisingly soon Floating sky city → Turns out cities are heavy Hoverboard → This question is now ambiguous thanks to a new scooter thing (and will lead to an argument about the meaning of "hoverboard" which is way less interesting than either kind of hoverboard) Robot butler → He was called "Jeeves" and he wasn't that great {{Title text: The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word 'hoverboard' is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.}}

[[A figure and two women stand on a hill around two bare trees.]] Woman: One day a year, the sun sets directly between these two trees. Figure: Oh, cool - like the Manhattan thing. [[The figure stands alone in thought.]] [[We see a close-up of the three of them. The sun shines behind them.]] Figure: Wait, isn't that true every day for pretty much any two trees? Other woman: Shh, here it comes! [[The sun is lower in the sky. The first woman holds a net on a pole, while the other has a bag.]] Figure: Wait, what? Woman: OK, Got the bag? Other woman: Yup, grab it! Woman: We're gonna be rich! {{Title text: I've got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn't sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has 'good sun exposure.'}}

[[Two people walk toward a large control panel.]] Person 1: Over here we have the Universe Control Panel. These dials, for example, control Christmas. [[A close-up on a dial. It is labeled "Santa enters houses through..." and has the following settings: chimney, open window, kitchen faucet, cat flap, toilet, shower drain, mail slot, heating vents, bathroom mirror, pores of your skin.]] [[The second person trips.]] Person 2: Whoops! <<trip>> [[They catch themselves on a dial, accidentally moving it.]] <<click click>> [[Person 2 stares at the dial.]] Person 2: What was the Santa dial set to before? Person 1: I forget. Person 2: I'll just guess. {{Title text: SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]}}

A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment algorithm used by IBM's Watson computer system. [[Chart consists of highly complex flowchart, with some states having labeled transition functions, and others having unconditional transitions. Transitions will be placed after the state names for this description]] Start -> Draw Blood Draw Blood -> Record Patient's Name Record Patient's Name -> Measure Patient's Height and Weight Measure Patient's Height and Weight -> Consult Standard Height Weight Chart Consult Standard Height Weight Chart -> Surgically Adjust Patient To Match Surgically Adjust Patient To Match -> Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Yes -> Gather Blood And Return It To Body No -> Is Patient Still Here? Gather Blood And Return It To Body -> Record Pulse Rate Is Patient Still Here? Yes -> Record Pulse Rate No -> Hunt Down And Capture Patient Hunt Down And Capture Patient -> Is Patient Still Here? Record Pulse Rate -> Is Patient Screaming? Is Patient Screaming? No -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Yes -> Ignore Ignore -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Check Blood O2 Saturation <50% -> Inject Oxygen >50% -> Remove And Inspect Skeleton Inject Oxygen -> Comfort Patient Comfort Patient Comforting Successful -> Review Medical History Comforting Unsuccessful -> Subdue Patient Review Medical History -> Skin Grafts Skin Grafts -> Count Number Of Limbs Count Number Of Limbs Fewer than 100 -> Measure Vitamin D 100+ -> Remove Extra Limbs Remove Extra Limbs -> Subdue Patient Measure Vitamin D Good -> Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane Bad -> Blood Loss? Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane -> Rinse Patient With Saline Solution Rinse Patient With Saline Solution -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Yes -> Defibrilate No -> Sync Photos From Camera Defibrilate -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Sync Photos From Camera -> Administer General Anesthesia Discharge Patient {{End State}} Blood Loss? Minor -> Patient Address Changed? Substantial -> Apply Cream Patient Address Changed? Yes -> Request Organ Donation No -> Patient Is Healthy Request Organ Donation -> Remove Organs Remove Organs -> Discharge Patient Remove And Inspect Skeleton Too Many Bones -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Too Few Bones -> Request Consult With Human Doctor Request Consult With Human Doctor -> Dissect Doctor For Parts Dissect Doctor For Parts -> Discharge Patient {{End State}} Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Yes -> What Color? No -> Squeeze Patient Squeeze Patient -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient What Color? Black -> Activate Sprinklers Red -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Green -> Cauterize Yellow -> Squeeze Patient Activate Sprinklers -> Subdue Patient Subdue Patient -> Apply Cream Apply Cream -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Cauterize -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level 0-8 -> Massage Scalp 9 -> Admit for Observation 10 -> Laser Eye Removal Other Response -> Sequence Genome Massage Scalp -> Patient Is Healthy Patient Is Healthy -> Admit For Observation Admit For Observation -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Laser Eye Removal -> Admit For Observation Sequence Genome -> Apply Tourniquet Apply Tourniquet -> Perform Autopsy Perform Autopsy {{End State}} {{Title text: Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.}}

[[A figure stands by a shelf of cold & flu medication.]] Figure: <<Sniffle>> [[The figure looks at one of the two packs he's holding.]] Figure: <<Cough>> <<Sniff>> [[The figure has other packs at his feet, and is holding two more.]] Figure: Ughhh... [[The figure stands at a checkout counter labelled 'SALE'.]] Figure: Just gimme one of every kind of cold medicine you need ID to buy. Shopkeeper: You'll go on the watchlist for- Figure: Don't care. {{Title text: Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.}}

[[A figure stands by a pit, while a woman is in the pit opening a container. There's a shovel and some earth to the side.]] Woman: All right, let's open the time capsule. [[The lid is off the capsule. Inside is Beret Guy.]] Beret guy: Hi! Woman: Where did you come from?! Beret guy: The past! I traveled here in this time machine. Figure: How did you... get here from the past? Beret guy: I dunno. I couldn't not. Figure: But... what did you eat? Beret guy: Newspapers, mostly. [[Beret guy holds up a hammer.]] Beret guy: Anyway, I'm here to kill Hitler. Woman: But he died long ago! Beret guy: Oh, good! That was easy. Want to get sandwiches? Do you still have sandwiches? {{Title text: Oh no, I changed the future and now I'm disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.}}

[[Two figures stand behind a table with cheese, bread, tomato sauce, and salt on it.]] Figure: What're you having for lunch? Other figure: The usual - half a pound of cheese, white bread, a glass of tomato sauce, and some salt. Figure: Eww. Pizza seems way grosser if you imagine eating just the ingredients. {{Title text: I'm trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I'll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.}}

[[Two people watch a man in a red sports car drive by]] Person 1: I bet he just drives that car to overcompensate for his cyan penis. {{Title text: That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.}}

[[Two people flying kites.]] Person: I love kites. Prankster: Hey, me too! Prankster: I'll go get mine once I finish walking my dog! C'mon boy. [[Prankster reels in kite, which is a small barking dog.]] [[Prankster walks away with kite under arm as Person watches.]] {{Title text: [Dog returns with the end of a string in its mouth] [Voice drifts down from the sky] Kites are fun!}}

Why Asimov put the Three Laws of Robotics in the order he did: Possible Ordering: 1. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 2. (2.) Obey Orders 3. (3.) Protect Yourself Consequences: [See Asimov's Stories] [[In Green]] Balanced World Possible Ordering: 1. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 2. (3.) Protect Yourself 3. (2.) Obey Orders Consequences: Person 1: Explore Mars Rover: Haha, no. It's cold and I'd die. [[In Yellow]] Frustrating World Possible Ordering: 1. (2.) Obey Orders 2. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 3. (3.) Protect Yourself Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape Possible Ordering: 1. (2.) Obey Orders 2. (3.) Protect Yourself 3. (1.) Don't Harm Humans Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape Possible Ordering: 1. (3.) Protect Yourself 2. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 3. (2.) Obey Orders Consequences: [[Robot confronting a human]] Robot: I'll make cars for you, but try to unplug me and I'll vaporize you. [[In Yellow]] Terrifying Standoff Possible Ordering: 1. (3.) Protect Yourself 2. (2.) Obey Orders 3. (1.) Don't Harm Humans Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape {{Title text: In ordering #5, self-driving cars will happily drive you around, but if you tell them to drive to a car dealership, they just lock the doors and politely ask how long humans take to starve to death.}}

The Worst Part About Colds [[Chart. X-axis equals days. Y axis has "fine" at 0, "bad" at 1, and "The worst" at 2. Below graph, "sore throat" is indicated from day 0 to 2, "skin crawling" from 0.5 to 3, "aching" from 2 to 3.5, "cough" from 3.5 to 8, "hoarseness" from 4.5 to 8. Above graph, "need sympathy" is from 0.5 to 3, while "get sympathy" is from 3.5 to 8. A line indicating "how bad you feel" starts at "fine" at 0 days, swoops up to above "the worst" by day 2, and drops down to between "bad" and "fine" by day 3, and continues to ease off. A line indicating "how bad you sound" starts at "fine", but does not rise much until day 3.5, peaking sharply at day 5, and diminishing slowly afterwards.]] {{Title text: The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.}}

[[Young person 1 and person 2 are in front of person 1's science project]] Person 1: My science project is a baking soda and vinegar volcano! Person 2: Why do people make these? It isn't really a science project. It doesn't teach anything about- <<FOOM>> [[The miniature volcano begins to erupt. A third person walks into the frame.]] Person 1: See how the baking soda and vinegar mix with mud and ice to form deadly flowing lahars? [[Closeup of the side of the miniature volcano]] Person 1: You can see the tiny cars trying to flee. - Whoops! Too slow. Person 2: Um. This is a bit grim. Person 1: Learning! <<RUMBLE>> Person 1: And now we're learning that this volcano is an offshoot of a vinegar hotspot rising from deep within the earth. - annnd... <<BOOM>> [[Person 1 looks to the window]] Person 1: The baking soda supervolcano erupts, injecting clouds of salt into the stratosphere [[Person 3 peers outside the window]] Person 3: Why is it getting dark outside? Person 1: Learning is fun! Person 1: Sunlight dims. The earth cools. Summer frosts form. Crops die. We check the markets. Grain prices are rising. [[She holds a chart indicating grain prices rising]] Person 3: I want to stop learning now. Person 1: Soon, we all will. {{Title text: Sure, it may not meet science fair standards, but I want credit for getting my baking soda and vinegar mountain added to the Decade Volcanoes list.}}

Student: I'm having second thoughts about grad school and could use some advice. Professor: Consider the fire ant. When there's a flood, fire ants survive by joining together into giant floating rafts. Student: Student: Wait, what lesson am I supposed to take from that? Professor: Ants are SO COOL! Student: you're not big on metaphors, are you. Professor: I am big on ants. {{Title text: Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.}}

Figure: You know what's actually really good? FOOD and FOOD. Figures: Huh. I guess I can see it. Caption: FUN FACT: If you say "YOU KNOW WHAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD?" in the right tone of voice, you can name any two individually-good foods here and no one will challenge you on it. List of foods: Ice cream, ham, relish, pancakes, ketchup, cheese, eggs, cupcakes, sour cream, hot chocolate, avocado, skittles. {{Title text: If anyone tries this on you, the best reply is a deadpan "Oh yeah, that's a common potato chip flavor in Canada."}}

My new book, Thing Explainer, comes out today! To celebrate, here's a small game. [[A stick figure on a hoverboard can navigate around a field with platforms and barriers, reminiscent of a pinball machine, from top to bottom and left to right. Along the way it can collect coins, and then deposit them in a little terminal down at the center of the bottom. When you do, a message reads, "You got X coins in Y seconds!" and a secondary message depending on how well you did. X=0 "You successfully avoided all the coins!" X=1 "It's a start." X=2-4 "Not bad." X=5-9 "Terrific!" X=10-16 (No message.) X=17 "You found all the coins! Great job!" However, if you leave the bounds of the playing field in either direction, a message in large red letters will flash: RETURN TO THE PLAY AREA When you keep going, you discover a vast world with grassy fields, caverns, mountains, volcanoes, and buildings. There are many little vignettes hidden everywhere, along with more coins.]] {{Title text: Return to the play area}}

[[A news reader sits at a desk. A graphic of the Scales of Justice floats beside her head.]] Newsreader: Breaking news: the Supreme Court has ruled 9-1 that they don't know who this guy is or how he got in here, but he's definitely not a justice. {{Title text: Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy called the man's arguments that he could be either Alito or Ginsburg "surprisingly compelling, but ultimately unconvincing."}}

((Comic consists of 6 rows of forecasts, each with a description of that time period's weather. )) Your 5-day forecast Day 1: 38 F - Sunny Day 2: 41 F - Cloudy Day 3: 36 F - Rainy Day 4: 40 F - Partially Cloudy Day 5: 44 F - Sunny Your 5-month forecast Month 1: 38 F - Sunny Month 2: 29 F - Christmas Tree Month 3: 21 F - Snow Month 4: 24 F - Snow Month 5: 35 F - Cloudy Your 5-year forecast Year 1: 38 F - Sunny Year 2: 25 F - Cloudy Year 3: 36 F - Sunny Year 4: 37 F - Rainy Year 5: 40 F - Sunny Your 5-million-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,002,015: 52 F - Sunny 2,002,015: 40 F - Cloudy 3,002,015: 275 F - Flying Saucer Attack 4,002,015: Partially Cloudy Your 5-billion-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,000,002,015: 105 F - Larger Orange Sunny 2,000,002,015: 371 F - Even Larger Red Sunny 3,000,002,015: 71,488,106 F - #F8FFBB 4,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field Your 5-trillion-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field 2,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Slightly Darker Star Field 3,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Even Darker Star Field 4,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Few Stars Left {{Title text: You know what they say--if you don't like the weather here in the Solar System, just wait five billion years.}}

White Hat Guy: Biology is largely solved. DNA is the source code for our bodies. Now that gene sequencing is easy, we just have to read it. Person 2: It's not just "source code". There's a ton of feedback and external processing. Person 2: But even if it were, DNA is the result of the most aggressive optimization process in the universe, running in parallel at every energy level, in every living thing, for four billion years. White Hat Guy: It's still just code. [[White Hat Guy sits down at a desk with a laptop]] Person 2: Ok, try opening google.com and clicking "view source". White Hat Guy: Ok, I- ...oh my god. Person 2: That's just a few years of optimization by Google devs. DNA is thousands of times longer and way, *way* worse. White Hat Guy: Wow, biology is *impossible*. {{Title text: Researchers just found the gene responsible for mistakenly thinking we've found the gene for specific things. It's the region between the start and the end of every chromosome, plus a few segments in our mitochondria.}}

[[Two figures examine a colorful banded serpent.]] Figure: Red touches yellow, which I think means this is a twenty-four-ohm snake. {{Title text: The last band of color indicates the snake's tolerance for being held before biting.}}

[[A person approaches another person sitting in a chair]] Person 1: Remember how flashlights sucked when we were kids? Always dim and finicky? Person 2: I guess? [[They walk to the door]] Person 1: Well, I discovered there are now internet flashlight enthusiasts. - And the technology has... improved. Person 2: Ok, let's see. [[As they walk outside into the night, Person 1 turns his flashlight on. An enormous incandescence springs forth. Person 2 shies away for a moment.]] <<FWOOSH>> Person 1: See how it lights up the whole forest? Person 2: ..the trees are on fire. Person 1: Real bright, though. {{Title text: Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They're impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it's worth it.}}

[[Person speaks to a second person]] Person 1: You should come to our linguistics club's sesquiannual meeting. - Membership is open to anyone who can figure out how often we meet. {{Title text: If that's too easy, you could try joining Tautology Club, which meets on the date of the Tautology Club meeting.}}

1840: [[Three people in a room. One reading while standing, one sitting in a chair and reading, and a third quite belligerent.]] Person: The modern bookworm is too busy *reading* about the world to *look* at it. 1880: [[Person behind a person eating a meal and reading a newspaper]] Person: No one *talks* anymore- We take our daily newspapers in silence. 1910: [[Person behind another person walking along and reading a periodical]] Person: The magazine is destroying conversation. We read even as we walk! 1960: [[Person observing two kids in front of a TV]] Person: Television has put an end to family discussion. 1980: [[Person on public transportation surrounded by others lost in their own audio]] Person: Thanks to the Sony Walkman, anti-social isolation is now the norm. 2015: [[Person behind two others on their smartphones]] Person: We've become too absorbed in our phones to notice the- Person 2: *Dude*. It's been *two centuries*. - *Take a hint*. {{Title text: 2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today's quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they're in boxes at all!}}

[[A reporter delivers the news, with a graph behind her indicating the performance of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, behaving strangely. The news program is labeled "Marketwatch"]] Reporter: Wild swings on the markets today as investors noticed the Dow was tracing out a silhouette of the D.C. Skyline, and everyone got too weirded out to break the pattern until they finished the Capitol Building. {{Title text: Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.}}

Now that Amazon is advertising one-hour delivery of bottled water, [[A diagram showing the most obvious progression of events. First just one bottle is sent from the warehouse to a person. Then two. Then five. Then 20. Finally, a direct pipe sends the water along.]] I vote we start calling municipal plumbing "on-demand hyperloop-style water delivery" and see if we can sell anyone on the idea. {{Title text: When I was a kid, I asked my parents why our houses didn't have toothpaste pipes in addition to water ones. I'm strangely pleased to see Amazon thinking the same way.}}

[[A reporter is filmed by a cameraperson while reporting on a major operation visible in the background. Helicopters and boats are active in the background. Labels at the bottom say "Historic Salvage" and "Live"]] [[Several smaller boats at the surface have submerged lines carrying up the front half of a massive ship. The ship is labeled "RMS Titanic"]] [[A hover of helicopters are hauling the now ascended front half of the Titanic. A second hover of helicopters follows close behind with the back half. ]] [[Both hovers of helicopters drop their respective pieces into an enormous vat of rice. ]] {{Title text: My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on "how to save your wet phone" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.}}

[[3 people stand in front of a laptop on a desk. Person 3 just stands there and learns]] Person 1: This is git. It tracks collaborative work on projects through a beautiful distributed graph theory tree model. Person 2: Cool. How do we use it? Person 1: No idea. Just memorize these shell commands and type them to sync up. If you get errors, save your work elsewhere, delete the project, and download a fresh copy. {{Title text: If that doesn't fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of 'It's really pretty simple, just think of branches as...' and eventually you'll learn the commands that will fix everything.}}

[[A multiengine rocket sits on a launch pad. Flight controllers monitor the launch.]] Announcer: T-minus 2 minutes Controller 1: Tank and booster are go for launch. Controller 2: Safety console? Controller 1: Check. Safety- Controller 2: Wait. [[Controller 2 notices an object flying past the rocket]] Controller 1: What is it? Controller 2: On the live feed- a cool bird just flew past the tower! Controller 1: Whoa, hat kind? Controller 2: Like a hawk, maybe! Controller 1: Could it be a vulture? Controller 2: I doubt it. The wings were flat, not in a "V". Controller 1: It could be an eagle! Controller 2: Ooh! Controller 1: This is launch control. We have a possible sighting of a cool bird. Halt the countdown. Controller 2: Someone get binoculars up here! Controller 1: I want to see! {{Title text: Visual checks suggest the cool bird has exited the launch zone. Tip the rocket sideways and resume the countdown--we're gonna go find it!}}

[[Another person stuck in a Sisyphean thought bubble.]] Person 1: ((thinking)) Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31- except February, which has 28, and leap year which makes it 29. - Wait, which month was I listening for? Oh right, October. - Did I say "October" in there? Now i can't remember. - 30 days hath September... {{Title text: There's a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!}}

[[Two people are sitting at a desk reviewing things.]] Person 1: We're concerned that some of your results may be tainted by the fact that your human subjects are *awful*. Person 2: What do you mean? Person 1: Several participants in your drug trial were arrested for arson. Person 2: Side effects can be unpredictable. Person 1: They were in the control group. Person 1: In your prisoner's dilemma study, 80% of the participants chose to betray their partners *before* the experimenter had a chance to tell them about the reward. Person 2: Definitely troubling. Person 1: In one experiment, your subjects repeatedly gave electric shocks to a stranger in another room. Person 2: That's a famous psychological- Person 1: This was a study of moisturizing creams! Person 2: Yes, we're not sure how they snuck in all that equipment. {{Title text: After meeting with a few of the subjects, the IRB actually recommended that you stop stressing out so much about safety guidelines.}}

[[Beret Guy is most definitely sitting at a desk, in what may or may not be an announcer's box. Beret Guy has what may or may not be an active headset with microphone on under his hat.]] Beret Guy: For those just joining us, hi! We're on part 5 of a hitting game. Beret Guy: The next guy has a big bat, so he'll probably hit the ball real far. huh? {{ - Wait- he missed! - Oh good, they're letting him try again. Beret Guy: The people sitting on the chair shelves are yelling at this guy, but he's ignoring them. Wow. - Rude. Beret Guy: This thrower is good! He keeps making people leave by throwing balls at them. - It's just him though. None of his teammates are joining in. Beret Guy: That guy just ran to the second pillow when no one was looking! - Everyone's real mad but I guess they checked the rules and there's nothing that says he can't do that. - Yikes. Hopefully they can fix that once this game is over. {{Title text: The thrower started hitting the bats too much, so the king of the game told him to leave and brought out another thrower from thrower jail.}}

[[A person and White Hat Guy walk along]] Person 1: I found a study* that said water is good for you, but you should just drink it when you feel thirsty, and not go overboard. White Hat Guy: Uh huh? {{Footnote*: DOI:10.1097 JSM.0000000000000221}} Person 1: Another study* found that prolonged sitting isn't necessarily bad for you, as long as you're also getting exercise. White Hat Guy: Okay... {{Footnote*: DOI 10.1093 ije dyv101}} Person 1:Now a study* claims that humans in pre-industrial societies stay up late, and sleep 6 or 7 horus a night, just like most people today. White Hat Guy: Huh. So what you're saying is.. {{Footnote*: DOI: 10.1016 j.cub.2015.09.046}} Person 1: Maybe we're overthinking it. White Hat Guy: But what caused our modern epidemic of overthinking?! Plumbing? Or is it email? Person 1: Modern? I bet the wheel was invented by someone overthinking "pushing". {{Title text: On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer cigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is "figuring out which ideas are true is hard."}}

t=0 nanoseconds Person 1: This is called Bell's Theorem. It was first- ((distance marker cross-panel indicating 5 meters between Person 1 and Person 2)) t=1 nanosecond Person 2: Wow, faster-than-light communication is possible! Bell's Second Theorem: Misunderstandings of Bell's Theorem happen so fast that they violate locality. {{Title text: The no-communication theorem states that no communication about the no-communication theorem can clear up the misunderstanding quickly enough to allow faster-than-light signaling.}}

<<a hum so faint it is completely unindicated in the comic wafts through the air>> [[Person with a quizzical look on their face in a room alone]] [[Person looks around the room]] [[Person walks down the hall]] [[Person walks through some doorways]] [[Person walks down some stairs]] [[Person finds a large machine labeled "High-pitched hum generator" at the other end of a room]] [[Person unplugs machine]] [[Person walks away]] {{Title text: Why did we even have that thing?}}

Like many people, I'm tired of nitpicking about Frankenstein's Monster's name. Luckily, Frankenstein is public domain. Therefore, I present XKCD'S FRANKENSTEIN [Lightning bolt] (The monster's name) [[No illustration, just centered text leading to a title with a small lightning bolt at the bottom.]] [[A man with a flat-top haircut lies under a blanket on a gurney, with wires leading from his neck. A person throws a large switch on the wall.]] Monster: GRAAAR! Doctor: Frankenstein is alive! I am a modern Prometheus! Monster: RAAAAR! Doctor: To be clear, your name is Frankenstein . Canonically. Monster: GRAAAAAR! The moon landings were faked! Doctor: Wait, what? ~Fin.~ There. Feel free to call the monster "Frankenstein." If anyone tries to correct you, just explain that this comic is your canonical version. Thank you. [[Again, no illustration, just text.]] {{Title text: "Wait, so in this version is Frankenstein also the doctor's name?" "No, he's just 'The Doctor'."}}

[[Two people talk to each other while holding their smartphones.]] 1: Your photos from the triathlon got so many more likes than mine. 2: Yeah - my phone is quad-core. Research shows that iPhones like yours have just two cores, so they have a hard time capturing scenes with three different events in them. If we talked about phone hardware the way we talk about brain hardware. {{Title text: My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.}}

Title: My food rule Will eat: Red meat, pork, poultry, fish, fruit, vegetables, grains. Won't eat: shrimp, oysters, squid. Caption: I won't eat something if I have to google to figure out whether or not it has a face. {{Title text: I won't eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.}}

[[Person 1 sits on the floor facing a laptop with another laptop behind them. The second laptop has an external keyboard attached. Person 2 stands looking at Person 1.]] Person 1: Keys on my keyboard keep failing, even when I boot from an external recovery disk. Person 2: Sounds like it's hardware, then. [[Person 1 turns slightly to reach the second laptop.]] Person 1: Yeah... except the problem followed me from my last computer. Person 2: You have the most bizarre tech issues. [[Person 1 has unplugged the keyboard from the second laptop and plugged it into the first laptop.]] Person 1: It must be spreading via keyboards. This one won't work with any computer now. Person 2: When the robot apocalypse happens, I'm hiding out in your house. Any Skynet drones that come near will develop inexplicable firmware problems and crash. {{Title text: In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.}}

Person 1: So it's a work of fiction about a well-known brand, written on the internet by an enthusiast, republished as a bestselling book, and then made into a movie? Person 2: yup. [[Person 1 ponders this for a moment]] Person 1: Yeah, "The Martian" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" are basically the same book. Person 2: "Fifty Shades of Red"? Person 1: Man, tell me you wouldn't read that. {{Title text: I just came from The Martian, and I just have to say: Forget BB-8; I want a pet Sojourner! It's always been the cutest of our Mars rovers.}}

Isaac Newton [[A man sitting under a tree is hit in the head by a falling apple.]] <<BONK>> Newton: Ow! [[Newton rubs his sore head.]] Newton: Aha! Lise Meitner [[Someone throws a ball towards a woman, and it goes over her head.]] Ball-thrower: Hey Lise, think fast! <<CRASH>> [[The ball has hit one of her porcelain model atoms, splitting it in half. Lise surveys the damage.]] Lise: Oh no! My collection of porcelain atoms! -- ...Hmm. Charles Darwin [[Charles Darwin and his wife are watching their four children drinking soda. Two drink through straws while two have beaks and are having trouble drinking.]] Mrs. Darwin: I gave our kids soda, but the ones with beaks always have trouble drinking it. Mr. Darwn: I've noticed that... Albert Einstein [[A train passes by in the background while Albert Einstein and another person look on from the foreground.]] Einstein: I wish your twin brother would stop shining lights at us from that train. I can barely see my clock! - ...Wait! {{Title text: Charles, I just talked to John and Mildred, who run that company selling seeds and nuts, and their kids with MOUTHS are starving!}}

[[Someone stands at a podium with the NASA logo on it, speaking.]] Spokesperson: That concludes the press conference. Any questions? - Yes, you, from... it just says "The News"? [[With a crowd of nondescript people behind him, White Beret speaks into a microphone.]] WB: Hi! I have a microphone so I'm real loud now. - How does this Mars data compare to data from other fields? Like medicine? Or sports? [[The spokesperson responds from out of panel, we still see White Beret with the microphone.]] Spokesperson: That question makes no sense. WB: If there's water on Mars, is it ruined? - Or will it be okay when it dries out? Spokesperson: Any other questions? [[A far side-view of spokesperson at the podium facing a crowd of various people, including White Beret.]] WB: What were those guys hassling Luke in the Mos Eisley cantina trying to accomplish? I felt like I was supposed to understand that. Spokesperson: Anyone else ? Other person: That's now my question, too. Another person: Were they just picking a fight? Other person: If so, why did... {{Title text: Why are we spending billions to ruin Mars with swarms of robots when Elon Musk has promised to ruin Mars for a FRACTION of the cost?}}

[[A person monologues to their friend.]] Picture a grassy field. In the center sits a small, pale, big-eyed creature with the power to escape from any visualized scene and move freely through the brain that imagined it. It glances around nervously and-- --whoops, where'd it go? Sorry about that! Keep an eye out for it in your daydreams. {{Title text: Wait, I can fix this. Picture another field. In the middle sits the only creature the first creature is afraid of. Now just-- wait, where did THAT one go?}}

XKCd turns 10 years old this month. In light of last nights court ruling in Rupamarya v. Warner Chappell Music Inc, I would just like to say: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear XKCD Happy birthday to you [[There is a cake here.]] {{Title text: I guess I need to apologize to my parents, friends, and the staff at Chuck E. Cheese's for all the times I called the cops on them.}}

transcribe [[A person monologues to another]] Lots of apps let you plan your tirps using real-time bus, train, and traffic data. They try to predict which route will be faster, but aren't always right. Instead of just planning, my new app lets you send "ghost" versions of you along different routes, simulating their travel using the real-time data. That way, you can see which route turned out to be faster in practice. You can also race your past selves. [[Soon: Person dashing out of a taxi, twenty feet behind a ghost.]] Ugh, lost to the bike ghost AGAIN. [[Person carrying briefcase is on wrong side of door. On the other side, wife is standing with ghost also carrying briefcase. ]] Person: Hey, my key won't work. Wife: I'm sorry, but we've decided to replace you. This floaty guy is much more punctual. Person: But... [[Two children hold hands with ghost]] Children: Our NEW dad never misses our games! [[Person, stretching out hands in desperate agony]] Person: NOOOOOOOOOOO! {{Title text: And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.}}

[[Flowchart of things which support things. Arrows indicate what supports what.]] Library supports library, supports custom settings, supports library, supports tool, supports updater, supports vm, supports chat client, supports repository, supports nothing at all! library, supports hardware workaround, supports awful hack from 2009, supports irc for some reason, supports awful hack from 2009, supports the library we started with DLL needed by something, supports two mysterious items??? "Things I actually want to use my computer for" neither supports nor is supported by anything else on the chart. CAPTION: Every now and then I realize I'm maintaining a huge chain of technology solely to support itself. {{Title text: And when I think about it, a lot of "things I want to do" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.}}

[[A person is walking along and they see a squirrel standing on a tree stump.]] Squirrel: RIIIIING -- RIIIIIING [[The person picks up the squirrel and puts it to his ear like a phone.]] Person: Hello? [[The squirrel bites down on the person's ear.] <<CHOMP>> Person: OW! [[The squirrel leaps away, and the person is left holding his face in bewilderment.]] Person: ??? {{Title text: After a while, the squirrel starts making that beeping noise and doesn't stop until it hops back up onto the stump.}}