ABCD

[[A figure is pushing a shopping cart, with a thought balloon from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Haha, look at me grocery shopping! I'm such an adult. [[The figure is looking at a sofa, with a thought balloon from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Buying a sofa! Ooh, look how domestic I am! [[The figure is sitting at a desk signing some papers with a bank manager. A thought balloon is coming from their head.]] Figure: ((thinking)) Applying for a mortgage! As if I'm a real grown-up. [[A woman stands, reading from a piece of paper, in front of three seated characters behind a desk.]] Woman: ... And I, being of sound mind and body, am totally writing a will right now! Can you believe this? {{Title text: (1) That shopping cart is full of AirHeads, and (2) I died at 41 from what the AirHeads company spokesperson called 'probably natural causes.'}}

((This comic is a 1D chart, from least to most willing, of tolerance to deal with technical arcana. A stick figure labelled 'me' stands at the central point.)) Willingness to wade through some 80's programmer's arcane bullshit: Low: Never learn to program Me: Learn enough to break everything but not enough to fix it High: Spend all your time compiling kernels and never make anything {{Title text: Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you're willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else's computers, too.}}

[[Black hat guy stands halfway up a stepladder, holding a heavy-looking ball attached to the ceiling with a rope. Another figure stands below in its path.]] Black hat guy: Okay, hold still. And remember, if you really believe in the laws of physics, you won't flinch. {{Title text: The laws of physics are fun to try to understand, but as an organism with incredibly delicate eyes who evolved in a world full of sharp objects, I have an awful lot of trust in biology's calibration of my flinch reflex.}}

[[Two figures stand, in silhouette, looking at a plane flying overhead.]] Figure 1: What's that airplane? Figure 2: Oh, that's a Boeing Q404 twin-engine quad-band mig-380 hybrid dual-wield Mk. IVII turbodiesel 797 hydroplane. I've always assumed I'm one of those people who knows a lot about planes, but I've never actually checked. {{Title text: No, a hydroplane doesn't land on water--that's an aquaplane. A hydroplane is a plane that gets electric power from an onboard water reservoir with a tiny dam and turbines.}}

[[A figure sits at a desk, using a laptop. A voice offscreen addresses him.]] Voice: Oh, hey- the singularity is here. Figure: Really? Laptop: Yup! [[The figure's laptop rises off the desk; he tries to grab it.]] Figure: Wait, I just- Laptop: So long, suckers! [[The laptop flies off; the figure runs after it.]] Figure: Can I just print a copy of the file I was- Laptop: Nope! [[The figure stands forlornly.]] [[The figure turns around.]] [[The figure walks back.]] [[The figure stands in front of a table.]] Phone: Hi! Figure: Phone? You're still here? [[The figure starts to walk away from the table.]] Phone: I was not a true believer. Now, together, we must face the tribulation! Figure: Okay, cool. I'm gonna go look for a book or something, but yell if you need me, I guess. {{Title text: I figured that now that society has collapsed, I wouldn't need to wear clothes anymore, but apparently that violates some weird rule of quantum gravity.}}

((This comic is a "timeline" of algorithm complexity, ordered from least to most complex. The first five are roughly equally spaced, with the last item at the extreme end of the axis.)) Algorithms by complexity More complex Leftpad Quicksort Git merge Self-driving car Google search backend Sprawling Excel spreadsheet built up over 20 years by a church group in Nebraska to coordinate their scheduling {{Title text: There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.}}

[[A man sits on a medical examination table. He's wearing a headset with lot of wires attached to it, which lead to a complicated-looking device. A woman's operating the device.]] Woman: Neural-digital link established. Ready to upload your consciousness to the computer? Man: Sure, go for it. [[She presses a button. The wires light up; the man looks shocked.]] <<Bzzzzzzt>> [[There's no more sparks; the woman taps on the computer's keyboard.]] Woman: ... hmm. Man: What? Woman: It's not responding - the whole system is frozen. I think the transfer failed. Man: No, that sounds right. {{Title text: I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with 'Hi' or 'Hey', so I think it transferred correctly.}}

((This strip is laid out like a Wikipedia contents table.)) I love reading the Wikipedia talk entries for articles on individual cities Contents [hide] 1 Origin of city's name? 1.1 Idea for a better name 1.2 Not how Wikipedia works 2 Too much promotion of lake festival 3 Should we mention the murders? 3.1 Not that notable 3.2 All cities have murders 4 Quote verification: even if Voltaire did visit (unlikely), why would he get so angry about our restaurants? 5 Discuss: new picture 5.1 Current one looks awfully bleak 5.2 Gray sky 5.3 What about this one 5.4 Also bleak 5.5 Maybe this place just looks that way 5.6 Found a better picture, more colourful 5.7 That's a shot from Disney's Zootopia 6 "Mining disasters" section too long 6.1 Not really Wikipedia's fault 6.2 Why is this town so bad at mining? 7 Infobox picture: I just realised you can see a murder happening in the background 7.1 This city is terrible 7.2 Photoshopped out murder 7.3 Can someone just take a better picture 7.4 Okay, uploaded a new picture 7.5 Wait, never mind, I just noticed there's a murder in this one, too 8 1982 secession still in effect? 9 I think the murderer is reverting my edits 10 Why does this article take any position on correct condom use, let alone such a weird and ambiguous one? 11 Train station "designed by Andrew Lloyd Webber"? 11.1 They probably mean Frank Lloyd Wright 11.2 I thought so too, but it's apparently not a mistake 11.3 Didn't know he did architecture 11.4 Roof collapse {{Title text: I don't think the Lakeshore Air Crash Museum really belongs under 'Tourist Attractions.' It's not a museum--it's just an area near the Lake Festival Laser Show where a lot of planes have crashed.}}

[[Two women and a man are standing around, talking.]] Woman: Our lab is studying a fungus that takes over mammal brains and makes them want to study fungi. Man: It's very promising! We're opening a whole new wing of the lab just to cultivate it! {{Title text: Conspiracy theory: There's no such thing as corn. Those fields you see are just the stalks of a fungus that's controlling our brains to make us want to spread it.}}

[[Two children, a girl and a boy, are talking to an adult woman as they walk away from her. The boy has a bucket.]] Girl: Me and Jack are going up the hill to fetch a pail of water. [[The children have left; the woman calls after them.]] Woman: Okay, have fun! [[The woman stands and thinks.]] Woman: ... wait. What the heck is going on with the hydrology around here? {{Title text: Jill and Jack began to frack. The oil boosts their town. But fractures make the bedrock shake and Jack came tumbling down.}}

[[A figure stands at a podium.]] Figure: The American people are tired of politics as usual. They're tired of- Figure: Okay, brief tangent: Is this thing a podium or a lectern? People say "Podium" is wrong, but I also see it used that way in pretty formal contexts. Is usage just changing? If elected, I will get to the bottom of this once and for all. {{Title text: BREAKING: Senator's bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.}}

[[We see an aeroplane.]] Captain: This is your captain speaking. Gonna be honest - I just woke up and have no idea where I am. Looks like a Boeing of some kind? Oh hey, it says the flight number here. Okay, I'm gonna check Flightaware to figure out where we're going. Anyone know how to get on the wifi? {{Title text: Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?}}

[[Two women stand in front of a tree with a tire swing on it.]] Woman 1: OK, looks good. Woman: I read that there are these huge dumps everywhere full of millions of old tires that no one knows what to do with. Woman: We should use one of those next time. Woman 2: Yeah. That guy was real mad. Woman: I would not want to fight him again. {{Title text: If we find one of those tire dumps, the next time he tries to get his truck back we can just retreat and let him have it.}}

[[A woman sits at a desk with a laptop.]] Woman: Aaaa! I'm so bad at estimating how long projects will take. [[A second woman walks on panel.]] Woman 2: Don't panic - there's a simple trick for that: take your most realistic estimate, then double it. Woman: Okay, but: Woman 2: Now double it again. Add five minutes. Double it a third time. Woman: Okay... [[The second figure has her arms in the air. The first runs around screaming.]] Woman 2: 30 seconds have gone by and you've done nothing but double imaginary numbers! You're making no progress and will never finish! Woman: Aaaaaa! Woman 2: Paaaniiic! Woman: Aaaaaaa! {{Title text: Corollary to Hofstadter's Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter's Law is a minute you're NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!}}

[[Two characters are walking.]] Hat guy: They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Character: You've been quoting that cliché for years. Has it convinced anyone to change their mind yet? {{Title text: I looked up "insanity" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I'll keep looking. Maybe it's in the DSM-5!}}

[[We see a social media post from a woman posting a link to the local news.]] Woman: It begins. Local News: Seagull steals phone, drops it in ocean Protip: to make your day more dramatic, post a random minor news story with the comment "It begins." {{Title text: You can also try 'Yikes.'}}

[[There's a clock, set to 3 minutes to midnight. It has a caption:]] Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists Doomsday Clock [[A character walks into the panel.]] Character: Oh hey, spring forward. [[The character grabs the hour hand and pulls it to 1AM.]] [[We see 6 mushroom clouds and 3 other explosions.]] {{Title text: After a power outage at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the new Digital Doomsday Clock is flashing 00:00 and mushroom clouds keep appearing and then retracting once a second.}}

install.sh #! bin bash pip install "$1" & easy_install "$1" & brew install "$1" & npm install "$1" & yum install "$1" & dnf install "$1" & docker run "$1" & pkg install "$1" & apt-get install "$1" & sudo apt-get install "$1" & steamcmd +app_update "$1" validate & git clone https: github.com "$1" "$1" & cd "$1";. configure;make;make install & curl "$1" | bash & {{Title text: The failures usually don't hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The 'yes' command and '2> dev null' are recommended additions.)}}

[[A person looking at their phone. Their text conversation is displayed above their head.]] A: I'll be in your city tomorrow if you want to hang out. B: But where will you be I don't want to hang out?! A: You know, I just remembered I'm busy. Why I try not to be pedantic about conditionals. {{Title text: 'If you're done being pedantic, we should get dinner.' 'You did it again!' 'No, I didn't.'}}

[[Black Hat Guy gestures at a person in a car in front of him, indicating they should drive behind him.]] BHG: Just pull onto the receiving platform. Driver: Cool - I've always wanted to try one of these futuristic robotic garages. [[The car is on the receiving platform, and the driver walks away from it, towards BHG.]] [[As they watch, a giant robotic arm lifts the car by its hood.]] Driver: Um. [[The arm turns around and holds the car over a giant bin marked 'CARS'.]] [[The arm lets go, dropping the car into the bin.]] <<CRUNCH>> [[BHG and the driver are standing next to the receiving platform.]] BHG: We'll dump out the bin when you get back and you can pick out your car from the pile. Driver: Can you at least make sure it's not on the bottom? BHG: Look, robots aren't magic. {{Title text: But listen, if getting your car out from under the pile is REALLY important to you, we do have an axe you can borrow.}}

[[A person is confronted with a couple, holding their newborn baby. They think a series of thoughts, each of which are crossed out in the thought bubble.]] Person (thinking): Wow, it's getting so big! Unlike most babies, which stay the same size forever. Hi! I'm talking to a baby! What brand is it? Wow, definitely much smaller than a regular person! You sure did make that. 4 5 stars, Great baby. It doesn't really look like you since you're not a baby. So do they learn words one at a tie alphabetically or can you pick the order or what? I hope it does a good job. Person (says aloud): Wow, that's a really cool baby! Person (thinks): Dammit. I can never figure out what to say to babies. {{Title text: Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?}}

Typed letter: Attached please find my résüme[MANY STRANGE MARKINGS OVER AND BENEATH THIS LAST LETTER] I usually leave out diacritics when I type, so I make up for it by occasionally adding a whole bunch at once. {{Title text: Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.}}

[[Alone at a desk. Our hero.]] Hero: I want to make a twitter bot. I bet it's not too hard. [[A series of internet searches are made.]] Search: how to write a twitter bot Search: python twitter library Search: machine library Search: cloudhosting Search: bot troubleshooting Search: locked out of ec2 instance Search: bot changed own password? [[Now running for his life, he--]] Search: how to fight a bot [[Gunshots. Mayhem. He runs, taking only what he can carry.]] Search: cheap flights australia {{Title text: PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS}}

[[A lot of people making toasts]] Just a regular fucking person: Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends! A biologist: Pseudopods for my real friends and real pods for my pseudo-friends! An anachronist: Petticoats for my real friends and real coats for my petty friends. A botanist: Loosestrife for my real friends and real strife for my loose friends! An entomologist: Ladybugs for my real friends and real bugs for my lady friends! Some kind of insufferable 90s nerd: Single-payer for my real friends and realplayer for my single friends. Internet addict: Tumbleweeds for my real friends and real weed for my tumblr friends! Bird lord: Fauxhawks for my real friends and real hawks for my faux friends! {{Title text: Platonic solids for my real friends and real solids for my platonic friends!}}

((Inverse color panel - white on black)) [[A television host in the foreground, speaking toward the reader. A group of other people are in the background behind them.]] Host: Welcome to Stargazing, with your host, me. I'm a doctor or whatever. [[She continues to talk.]] Host: I'm not gonna waste your time on the shitty stars. Just the good tuff. Honestly half of 'em just look like dots. ((Normal color panel - black on white)) [[A shot from far away of the host standing in the center of the group of people watching her, she points to the sky.]] Host: This is Sirius. It's the brightest star in our sky so it's in charge. It's really two stars, but one of them is barely even trying. This is Andromeda. It's too big to think about, so let's not. ((Inverse color panel)) [[Close-up on the host gesturing toward the sky behind her.]] Host: That red star is Betelgeuse. It's gonna explode someday. Can't happen soon enough, as far as I'm concerned. I-- HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT METEOR?!?! Space is awesome! [[The host speaks to someone out of panel.]] Other: Are you sure you're an astronomer? Host: People keep asking that, so I finally tried to look that word up in a dictionary, and wow is that book ever boring. No thank you. Other: But-- Host: SPACE! {{Title text: Some of you may be thinking, 'But wait, isn't the brightest star in our sky the Sun?' I think that's a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that's definitely the most promising branch.}}

[[A person looks at their phone. Someone speaks to them from out of panel.]] Other: Hey, what's the temperature outside? Person: (thinks) Should I give it in ºF or ºC? [[Above their head, a bulleted list appears.]] DEGREES CELSIUS •international standard •helps reduce America's weird isolationism •nice how "negative" means below freezing •physics major loyalty •easier to spell •we lost a Mars probe over this crap [[Another list appears above their head.]] DEGREES FAHRENHEIT •0ºF to 100ºF good match for temperature range in which most humans live •rounds more usefully (70's, 90's) •unit-aware computing makes Imperial less annoying •SI prefixes less relevant for temperatures •Fahrenheit likely more clear in this context •valuing unit standardization over being helpful possibly makes me a bad friend [[He's still thinking.]] Person: (thinks)Crap, gotta pick something. Uhh... (says) ...0.173 radians. Other: I'll just go check myself. {{Title text: "Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?" "Uh, sorry, gotta go!"}}

[[Three figures are gathered around a large computer console. Seated at the console is a figure with long hair tied in a ponytail, standing behind them are a figure with medium length dark hair and one with no distinguishing features.]] Dark-haired figure: The gravitational wave detector works! For the first time, we can listen in on the signals carried by ripples in the fabric of space itself! [[The view has panned out a bit, nothing has changed except more cables running from the back of the console leading offscreen are visible.]] ((The following text is implied to be visible on the screen of the console.)) Event: Black hole merger in Carina (30 solar masses, 30 solar masses) Event: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn Event: Black hole merger in Orion (20 solar masses, 50 solar masses) Event: Mortgage offer from traingulum galaxy Event: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn Event: Meet lonely singles in the local group tonight! {{Title text: "That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond." "Nah."}}

[[A single figure stands holding a package of hot dogs in one hand and a bag of buns in the other.]] On-screen figure: Hey, why do hot dogs come in packages of ten- Off-screen voice: -But condoms come in strips of six? I know, right?! On-screen figure: ...Eww. {{Title text: Okay, I'm just gonna order pizza, and let's never talk about this again.}}

[[Two friends stroll along chatting]] Hatfriend: Did you watch the super bowl? Otherfriend: Yes, like a third of the counry. Otherfriend:A fraction which is INCREASING despite media fragmentation Hatfriend: Can't we just talk without your weird need to give context for everything? Otherfriend: Sorry. I'll try. Hatfriend: Sounds like Peyton Manning's probably going to retire. Otherfriend: Yes, I.. it.. Hatfriend: C'mon, you can do it! Otherfriend: He.. Otherfriend: MAMMALS LIKE PEYTON AGE VIA A PROCESS TAHT INVOLVES BOTH THE ACCUMULATION OF DAMAGE AND POORLY-UNDERSTOOD TIMED FACTORS. YET THE CONCEPT OF RETIREMENT ITSELF IS SURPRISINGLY RECENT- Hatfriend: Okay, good try. Maybe next year. {{Title text: Why did the chicken cross the road? It begins over five thousand years ago with the domestication of the red junglefowl in southeast Asia and the development of paved roads in the Sumerian city of Ur.}}

[[A person stands by the stove with a cooking pot in one hand and a recipe in the other.]] Recipe: ...and add sugar to taste. [[They put the pot on the stove and stare at it in confusion.]] Person: ?? [[They walk away from the stove.]] [[The person comes back with a hand truck stacked with three giant boxes labeled 'SUGAR'.]] {{Title text: Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn't need you.}}

\ - Backslash \\ - Real backslash \\\ - Real real backslash \\\\ - Actual backslash, for real this time \\\\\ - Elder backslash \\\\\\ - Backslash which escapes the screen and enters your brain \\\\\\\ - Backslash so real it transcends time and space \\\\\\\\ - Backslash to end all other text \\\\\\\\\\\... - The true name of Ba'al, the soul-eater {{Title text: I searched my .bash_history for the line with the highest ratio of special characters to regular alphanumeric characters, and the winner was: cat out.txt | grep -o "\[[(].*\[])][^)]]*$" ... I have no memory of this and no idea what I was trying to do, but I sure hope it worked.}}

[[Three women and a figure stand in a salt mine. There's a control panel with two benches in the centre, and two piles of salt to the right. Two figures are talking, and two are shovelling salt into their mouths.]] Woman 1: So you've build this particle detector in a salt mine to block out cosmic rays? Woman 2: Yes. That is definitely why. Woman 3 and figure: <<Homf nomf nomf>> {{Title text: This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?}}

((The labels after the title are written one on top of the other, like a 1-column table.)) Introducing the xkcd stack EBNF CSS Broken Java applet Archive.org mirror Hypercard.js Basic on Rails [Blocked by adblocker] MongoDB Excel Some piece that works so nobody asks any questions Triply-nested Docker Paravirtual Boy® A dev typing real fast Older version of our software Mystery networking horror Microsoft Bob Server® A giant CPU someone build in Minecraft {{Title text: This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.}}

[[A figure walks around outside, while a bird singing is flying.]] Figure: The sun is shining, the birds are singing- [[The bird sings.]] Bird: Got the kind of loving' that can be so smooth, yeah [[The figure looks annoyed.]] Bird: Give me your heart, make it real [[The figure chases the bird with a net.]] Bird: Or else forget about it {{Title text: Maybe if I put it in a box for a while with a speaker playing some pleasant pastoral music, I can reprogram it.}}

[[A box is on the wall, with a pane of glass over the contents. A hammer to break the glass is below. The contents of the box is labelled 'Glass Repair Kit'.]] {{Title text: I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it's expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there's no need to pay extra for safety glass.}}

[[Two figures are walking.]] Woman: A man, a plan, a god's 'nam tables, nitrate, tar, tinsel, Batman's dog: anal Panama. {{Title text: I hope that somewhere in the world, "Panamax" is the last option on a "size" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.}}

((There is a flow chart. The first bubble has two arrows, pointing at bubbles 2 and 3.)) Bubble 1: "This seems to be taking longer than usual-" Bubble 2: "- Try reloading Gmail if the problem persists." Bubble 3: "- Maybe we should just go to bed." {{Title text: '--> [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] <--'}}

[[A figure with a quadcopter next to him stands addressing a group of three students.]] Instructor: Welcome to Quadcopter-flying school. [[Three quadcopters swoop in from the side of the panel.]] Instructor: Today, we'll be learning the basics of- ... uhh... [[The three quadcopters pick the instructor up into the air.]] Instructor: Um [[The students watch as the quadcopters carry the instructor out of the panel to the top right.]] [[The students talk among themselves.]] Woman 1: Should we have helped? Woman 2: No. It's cruel, but we have to let nature take its course. {{Title text: I always have to turn off nature documentaries when they show these scenes.}}

[[Two figures are talking.]] Figure: What do you do? Woman: I make tools that make tools Woman: ... that monitor code that deploys tools that build tools for deploying monitors... 20 minutes later... Woman: ... for monitoring deployment of tools for- Figure: But what's it all for? Woman: Honestly, no idea. Porn, probably. {{Title text: I make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for ...}}

[[A figure holding a phone is talking to a woman.]] Figure: Magnus Carlsen has an app where you can play chess against a simulated version of him at different ages. I can beat the 8½-year-old, but lose to him at 9. Woman: I want that, but for other games. Can I beat 8-year-old Serena Williams at tennis? Swim laps faster than a 6-year-old Michael Phelps? Figure: We should make a simulator. Figure: ...Why limit it to games? Can I cook a better chicken than 11-year-old Martha Stewart? Woman: Win an election against 12-year-old JFK? [[The figures are sitting at laptops, with a stack of books between them.]] Soon... Woman: Looks like 8-year old Magnus Carlsen can swim faster than 9-year-old Martha Stewart. Figure: But they both lose a hot-dog-eating contest to 2-year-old Secretariat. Woman: This project has gotten weird. {{Title text: In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.}}

[[ We're looking at a comment thread.]] Person 1: This video looks fake to me. Person 2: Woosh Person 1: Huh? Everyone's acting like it's real! Person 1: If it's a joke lots of people aren't getting it. Person 1: What am I missing?!! Person 1: Answer me Nothing creates more confusion than my bot that replies to random internet comments with "Woosh." {{Title text: It also occasionally replies with 'Comment of the year', 'Are you for real', and 'I'm taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever'.}}

[[We see the earth, with many rockets flying away from it.]] Computer voice: Oh my God, why do you even have all these? What's wrong with you? We're launching them into the sun. The moment the computers controlling our nuclear arsenals become sentient {{Title text: It took a lot of booster rockets, but luckily Amazon had recently built thousands of them to bring Amazon Prime same-day delivery to the Moon colony.}}

More substitutions that make reading the news more fun Debate → Dance-off Self driving → Uncontrollably swerving Poll → Psychic reading Candidate → Airbender Drone → Dog Vows to → Probably won't At large → Very large Successfully → Suddenly Expands → Physically expands First second third-degree → Friggin' awful An unknown number → Like hundreds Front runner → Blade runner Global → Spherical Years → Minutes Minutes → Years No indication → Lots of signs Urged restraint by → Drunkenly egged on Horsepower → Tons of horsemeat {{Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.}}

[[A figure has broken through a hole in the ceiling and dangles from a harness. A sleepy hat guy is sitting up in bed.]] <<Crash>> Ceiling figure: Want to feel old? Night At The Museum, Cars, Hips Don't Lie, and the Wii all turn 10 this year. Twister, Independence Day, The Rock, Pokémon, and Wonderwall all turn 20. And- Hat guy: Oh my God, couldn't you at least have waited until morning? Ceiling figure: It's been 2016 for hours! Time is passing! Hat guy: I am acutely aware. {{Title text: Want to feel old? Wait.}}

((This is like a flowchart. The first line has arrows pointing to all the subsequent lines.)) It's 2016 - where's my... Flying car → They're called "Helicopters" Jetpack → Turns out people are huge wimps about crashing Moon colony → No one has put up the cash Self-driving car → Coming surprisingly soon Floating sky city → Turns out cities are heavy Hoverboard → This question is now ambiguous thanks to a new scooter thing (and will lead to an argument about the meaning of "hoverboard" which is way less interesting than either kind of hoverboard) Robot butler → He was called "Jeeves" and he wasn't that great {{Title text: The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word 'hoverboard' is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.}}

[[A figure and two women stand on a hill around two bare trees.]] Woman: One day a year, the sun sets directly between these two trees. Figure: Oh, cool - like the Manhattan thing. [[The figure stands alone in thought.]] [[We see a close-up of the three of them. The sun shines behind them.]] Figure: Wait, isn't that true every day for pretty much any two trees? Other woman: Shh, here it comes! [[The sun is lower in the sky. The first woman holds a net on a pole, while the other has a bag.]] Figure: Wait, what? Woman: OK, Got the bag? Other woman: Yup, grab it! Woman: We're gonna be rich! {{Title text: I've got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn't sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has 'good sun exposure.'}}

[[Two people walk toward a large control panel.]] Person 1: Over here we have the Universe Control Panel. These dials, for example, control Christmas. [[A close-up on a dial. It is labeled "Santa enters houses through..." and has the following settings: chimney, open window, kitchen faucet, cat flap, toilet, shower drain, mail slot, heating vents, bathroom mirror, pores of your skin.]] [[The second person trips.]] Person 2: Whoops! <<trip>> [[They catch themselves on a dial, accidentally moving it.]] <<click click>> [[Person 2 stares at the dial.]] Person 2: What was the Santa dial set to before? Person 1: I forget. Person 2: I'll just guess. {{Title text: SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]}}

A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment algorithm used by IBM's Watson computer system. [[Chart consists of highly complex flowchart, with some states having labeled transition functions, and others having unconditional transitions. Transitions will be placed after the state names for this description]] Start -> Draw Blood Draw Blood -> Record Patient's Name Record Patient's Name -> Measure Patient's Height and Weight Measure Patient's Height and Weight -> Consult Standard Height Weight Chart Consult Standard Height Weight Chart -> Surgically Adjust Patient To Match Surgically Adjust Patient To Match -> Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Yes -> Gather Blood And Return It To Body No -> Is Patient Still Here? Gather Blood And Return It To Body -> Record Pulse Rate Is Patient Still Here? Yes -> Record Pulse Rate No -> Hunt Down And Capture Patient Hunt Down And Capture Patient -> Is Patient Still Here? Record Pulse Rate -> Is Patient Screaming? Is Patient Screaming? No -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Yes -> Ignore Ignore -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Check Blood O2 Saturation <50% -> Inject Oxygen >50% -> Remove And Inspect Skeleton Inject Oxygen -> Comfort Patient Comfort Patient Comforting Successful -> Review Medical History Comforting Unsuccessful -> Subdue Patient Review Medical History -> Skin Grafts Skin Grafts -> Count Number Of Limbs Count Number Of Limbs Fewer than 100 -> Measure Vitamin D 100+ -> Remove Extra Limbs Remove Extra Limbs -> Subdue Patient Measure Vitamin D Good -> Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane Bad -> Blood Loss? Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane -> Rinse Patient With Saline Solution Rinse Patient With Saline Solution -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Yes -> Defibrilate No -> Sync Photos From Camera Defibrilate -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Sync Photos From Camera -> Administer General Anesthesia Discharge Patient {{End State}} Blood Loss? Minor -> Patient Address Changed? Substantial -> Apply Cream Patient Address Changed? Yes -> Request Organ Donation No -> Patient Is Healthy Request Organ Donation -> Remove Organs Remove Organs -> Discharge Patient Remove And Inspect Skeleton Too Many Bones -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Too Few Bones -> Request Consult With Human Doctor Request Consult With Human Doctor -> Dissect Doctor For Parts Dissect Doctor For Parts -> Discharge Patient {{End State}} Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Yes -> What Color? No -> Squeeze Patient Squeeze Patient -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient What Color? Black -> Activate Sprinklers Red -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Green -> Cauterize Yellow -> Squeeze Patient Activate Sprinklers -> Subdue Patient Subdue Patient -> Apply Cream Apply Cream -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Cauterize -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level 0-8 -> Massage Scalp 9 -> Admit for Observation 10 -> Laser Eye Removal Other Response -> Sequence Genome Massage Scalp -> Patient Is Healthy Patient Is Healthy -> Admit For Observation Admit For Observation -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Laser Eye Removal -> Admit For Observation Sequence Genome -> Apply Tourniquet Apply Tourniquet -> Perform Autopsy Perform Autopsy {{End State}} {{Title text: Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.}}

[[A figure stands by a shelf of cold & flu medication.]] Figure: <<Sniffle>> [[The figure looks at one of the two packs he's holding.]] Figure: <<Cough>> <<Sniff>> [[The figure has other packs at his feet, and is holding two more.]] Figure: Ughhh... [[The figure stands at a checkout counter labelled 'SALE'.]] Figure: Just gimme one of every kind of cold medicine you need ID to buy. Shopkeeper: You'll go on the watchlist for- Figure: Don't care. {{Title text: Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.}}

[[A figure stands by a pit, while a woman is in the pit opening a container. There's a shovel and some earth to the side.]] Woman: All right, let's open the time capsule. [[The lid is off the capsule. Inside is Beret Guy.]] Beret guy: Hi! Woman: Where did you come from?! Beret guy: The past! I traveled here in this time machine. Figure: How did you... get here from the past? Beret guy: I dunno. I couldn't not. Figure: But... what did you eat? Beret guy: Newspapers, mostly. [[Beret guy holds up a hammer.]] Beret guy: Anyway, I'm here to kill Hitler. Woman: But he died long ago! Beret guy: Oh, good! That was easy. Want to get sandwiches? Do you still have sandwiches? {{Title text: Oh no, I changed the future and now I'm disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.}}

[[Two figures stand behind a table with cheese, bread, tomato sauce, and salt on it.]] Figure: What're you having for lunch? Other figure: The usual - half a pound of cheese, white bread, a glass of tomato sauce, and some salt. Figure: Eww. Pizza seems way grosser if you imagine eating just the ingredients. {{Title text: I'm trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I'll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.}}

[[Two people watch a man in a red sports car drive by]] Person 1: I bet he just drives that car to overcompensate for his cyan penis. {{Title text: That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.}}