ABCD

More substitutions that make reading the news more fun Debate → Dance-off Self driving → Uncontrollably swerving Poll → Psychic reading Candidate → Airbender Drone → Dog Vows to → Probably won't At large → Very large Successfully → Suddenly Expands → Physically expands First second third-degree → Friggin' awful An unknown number → Like hundreds Front runner → Blade runner Global → Spherical Years → Minutes Minutes → Years No indication → Lots of signs Urged restraint by → Drunkenly egged on Horsepower → Tons of horsemeat {{Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.}}

[[A figure has broken through a hole in the ceiling and dangles from a harness. A sleepy hat guy is sitting up in bed.]] <<Crash>> Ceiling figure: Want to feel old? Night At The Museum, Cars, Hips Don't Lie, and the Wii all turn 10 this year. Twister, Independence Day, The Rock, Pokémon, and Wonderwall all turn 20. And- Hat guy: Oh my God, couldn't you at least have waited until morning? Ceiling figure: It's been 2016 for hours! Time is passing! Hat guy: I am acutely aware. {{Title text: Want to feel old? Wait.}}

((This is like a flowchart. The first line has arrows pointing to all the subsequent lines.)) It's 2016 - where's my... Flying car → They're called "Helicopters" Jetpack → Turns out people are huge wimps about crashing Moon colony → No one has put up the cash Self-driving car → Coming surprisingly soon Floating sky city → Turns out cities are heavy Hoverboard → This question is now ambiguous thanks to a new scooter thing (and will lead to an argument about the meaning of "hoverboard" which is way less interesting than either kind of hoverboard) Robot butler → He was called "Jeeves" and he wasn't that great {{Title text: The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word 'hoverboard' is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.}}

[[A figure and two women stand on a hill around two bare trees.]] Woman: One day a year, the sun sets directly between these two trees. Figure: Oh, cool - like the Manhattan thing. [[The figure stands alone in thought.]] [[We see a close-up of the three of them. The sun shines behind them.]] Figure: Wait, isn't that true every day for pretty much any two trees? Other woman: Shh, here it comes! [[The sun is lower in the sky. The first woman holds a net on a pole, while the other has a bag.]] Figure: Wait, what? Woman: OK, Got the bag? Other woman: Yup, grab it! Woman: We're gonna be rich! {{Title text: I've got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn't sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has 'good sun exposure.'}}

[[Two people walk toward a large control panel.]] Person 1: Over here we have the Universe Control Panel. These dials, for example, control Christmas. [[A close-up on a dial. It is labeled "Santa enters houses through..." and has the following settings: chimney, open window, kitchen faucet, cat flap, toilet, shower drain, mail slot, heating vents, bathroom mirror, pores of your skin.]] [[The second person trips.]] Person 2: Whoops! <<trip>> [[They catch themselves on a dial, accidentally moving it.]] <<click click>> [[Person 2 stares at the dial.]] Person 2: What was the Santa dial set to before? Person 1: I forget. Person 2: I'll just guess. {{Title text: SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]}}

A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment algorithm used by IBM's Watson computer system. [[Chart consists of highly complex flowchart, with some states having labeled transition functions, and others having unconditional transitions. Transitions will be placed after the state names for this description]] Start -> Draw Blood Draw Blood -> Record Patient's Name Record Patient's Name -> Measure Patient's Height and Weight Measure Patient's Height and Weight -> Consult Standard Height Weight Chart Consult Standard Height Weight Chart -> Surgically Adjust Patient To Match Surgically Adjust Patient To Match -> Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Is Patient Coughing Up Blood? Yes -> Gather Blood And Return It To Body No -> Is Patient Still Here? Gather Blood And Return It To Body -> Record Pulse Rate Is Patient Still Here? Yes -> Record Pulse Rate No -> Hunt Down And Capture Patient Hunt Down And Capture Patient -> Is Patient Still Here? Record Pulse Rate -> Is Patient Screaming? Is Patient Screaming? No -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Yes -> Ignore Ignore -> Check Blood O2 Saturation Check Blood O2 Saturation <50% -> Inject Oxygen >50% -> Remove And Inspect Skeleton Inject Oxygen -> Comfort Patient Comfort Patient Comforting Successful -> Review Medical History Comforting Unsuccessful -> Subdue Patient Review Medical History -> Skin Grafts Skin Grafts -> Count Number Of Limbs Count Number Of Limbs Fewer than 100 -> Measure Vitamin D 100+ -> Remove Extra Limbs Remove Extra Limbs -> Subdue Patient Measure Vitamin D Good -> Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane Bad -> Blood Loss? Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane -> Rinse Patient With Saline Solution Rinse Patient With Saline Solution -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Yes -> Defibrilate No -> Sync Photos From Camera Defibrilate -> Is Patient Phone Battery Low? Sync Photos From Camera -> Administer General Anesthesia Discharge Patient {{End State}} Blood Loss? Minor -> Patient Address Changed? Substantial -> Apply Cream Patient Address Changed? Yes -> Request Organ Donation No -> Patient Is Healthy Request Organ Donation -> Remove Organs Remove Organs -> Discharge Patient Remove And Inspect Skeleton Too Many Bones -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Too Few Bones -> Request Consult With Human Doctor Request Consult With Human Doctor -> Dissect Doctor For Parts Dissect Doctor For Parts -> Discharge Patient {{End State}} Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient Yes -> What Color? No -> Squeeze Patient Squeeze Patient -> Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient What Color? Black -> Activate Sprinklers Red -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Green -> Cauterize Yellow -> Squeeze Patient Activate Sprinklers -> Subdue Patient Subdue Patient -> Apply Cream Apply Cream -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Cauterize -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level 0-8 -> Massage Scalp 9 -> Admit for Observation 10 -> Laser Eye Removal Other Response -> Sequence Genome Massage Scalp -> Patient Is Healthy Patient Is Healthy -> Admit For Observation Admit For Observation -> Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level Laser Eye Removal -> Admit For Observation Sequence Genome -> Apply Tourniquet Apply Tourniquet -> Perform Autopsy Perform Autopsy {{End State}} {{Title text: Due to a minor glitch, 'discharge patient' does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to 'hunt down and capture patient'.}}

[[A figure stands by a shelf of cold & flu medication.]] Figure: <<Sniffle>> [[The figure looks at one of the two packs he's holding.]] Figure: <<Cough>> <<Sniff>> [[The figure has other packs at his feet, and is holding two more.]] Figure: Ughhh... [[The figure stands at a checkout counter labelled 'SALE'.]] Figure: Just gimme one of every kind of cold medicine you need ID to buy. Shopkeeper: You'll go on the watchlist for- Figure: Don't care. {{Title text: Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.}}

[[A figure stands by a pit, while a woman is in the pit opening a container. There's a shovel and some earth to the side.]] Woman: All right, let's open the time capsule. [[The lid is off the capsule. Inside is Beret Guy.]] Beret guy: Hi! Woman: Where did you come from?! Beret guy: The past! I traveled here in this time machine. Figure: How did you... get here from the past? Beret guy: I dunno. I couldn't not. Figure: But... what did you eat? Beret guy: Newspapers, mostly. [[Beret guy holds up a hammer.]] Beret guy: Anyway, I'm here to kill Hitler. Woman: But he died long ago! Beret guy: Oh, good! That was easy. Want to get sandwiches? Do you still have sandwiches? {{Title text: Oh no, I changed the future and now I'm disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.}}

[[Two figures stand behind a table with cheese, bread, tomato sauce, and salt on it.]] Figure: What're you having for lunch? Other figure: The usual - half a pound of cheese, white bread, a glass of tomato sauce, and some salt. Figure: Eww. Pizza seems way grosser if you imagine eating just the ingredients. {{Title text: I'm trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I'll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.}}

[[Two people watch a man in a red sports car drive by]] Person 1: I bet he just drives that car to overcompensate for his cyan penis. {{Title text: That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.}}

[[Two people flying kites.]] Person: I love kites. Prankster: Hey, me too! Prankster: I'll go get mine once I finish walking my dog! C'mon boy. [[Prankster reels in kite, which is a small barking dog.]] [[Prankster walks away with kite under arm as Person watches.]] {{Title text: [Dog returns with the end of a string in its mouth] [Voice drifts down from the sky] Kites are fun!}}

Why Asimov put the Three Laws of Robotics in the order he did: Possible Ordering: 1. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 2. (2.) Obey Orders 3. (3.) Protect Yourself Consequences: [See Asimov's Stories] [[In Green]] Balanced World Possible Ordering: 1. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 2. (3.) Protect Yourself 3. (2.) Obey Orders Consequences: Person 1: Explore Mars Rover: Haha, no. It's cold and I'd die. [[In Yellow]] Frustrating World Possible Ordering: 1. (2.) Obey Orders 2. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 3. (3.) Protect Yourself Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape Possible Ordering: 1. (2.) Obey Orders 2. (3.) Protect Yourself 3. (1.) Don't Harm Humans Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape Possible Ordering: 1. (3.) Protect Yourself 2. (1.) Don't Harm Humans 3. (2.) Obey Orders Consequences: [[Robot confronting a human]] Robot: I'll make cars for you, but try to unplug me and I'll vaporize you. [[In Yellow]] Terrifying Standoff Possible Ordering: 1. (3.) Protect Yourself 2. (2.) Obey Orders 3. (1.) Don't Harm Humans Consequences: [[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]] [[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape {{Title text: In ordering #5, self-driving cars will happily drive you around, but if you tell them to drive to a car dealership, they just lock the doors and politely ask how long humans take to starve to death.}}

The Worst Part About Colds [[Chart. X-axis equals days. Y axis has "fine" at 0, "bad" at 1, and "The worst" at 2. Below graph, "sore throat" is indicated from day 0 to 2, "skin crawling" from 0.5 to 3, "aching" from 2 to 3.5, "cough" from 3.5 to 8, "hoarseness" from 4.5 to 8. Above graph, "need sympathy" is from 0.5 to 3, while "get sympathy" is from 3.5 to 8. A line indicating "how bad you feel" starts at "fine" at 0 days, swoops up to above "the worst" by day 2, and drops down to between "bad" and "fine" by day 3, and continues to ease off. A line indicating "how bad you sound" starts at "fine", but does not rise much until day 3.5, peaking sharply at day 5, and diminishing slowly afterwards.]] {{Title text: The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.}}

[[Young person 1 and person 2 are in front of person 1's science project]] Person 1: My science project is a baking soda and vinegar volcano! Person 2: Why do people make these? It isn't really a science project. It doesn't teach anything about- <<FOOM>> [[The miniature volcano begins to erupt. A third person walks into the frame.]] Person 1: See how the baking soda and vinegar mix with mud and ice to form deadly flowing lahars? [[Closeup of the side of the miniature volcano]] Person 1: You can see the tiny cars trying to flee. - Whoops! Too slow. Person 2: Um. This is a bit grim. Person 1: Learning! <<RUMBLE>> Person 1: And now we're learning that this volcano is an offshoot of a vinegar hotspot rising from deep within the earth. - annnd... <<BOOM>> [[Person 1 looks to the window]] Person 1: The baking soda supervolcano erupts, injecting clouds of salt into the stratosphere [[Person 3 peers outside the window]] Person 3: Why is it getting dark outside? Person 1: Learning is fun! Person 1: Sunlight dims. The earth cools. Summer frosts form. Crops die. We check the markets. Grain prices are rising. [[She holds a chart indicating grain prices rising]] Person 3: I want to stop learning now. Person 1: Soon, we all will. {{Title text: Sure, it may not meet science fair standards, but I want credit for getting my baking soda and vinegar mountain added to the Decade Volcanoes list.}}

Student: I'm having second thoughts about grad school and could use some advice. Professor: Consider the fire ant. When there's a flood, fire ants survive by joining together into giant floating rafts. Student: Student: Wait, what lesson am I supposed to take from that? Professor: Ants are SO COOL! Student: you're not big on metaphors, are you. Professor: I am big on ants. {{Title text: Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.}}

Figure: You know what's actually really good? FOOD and FOOD. Figures: Huh. I guess I can see it. Caption: FUN FACT: If you say "YOU KNOW WHAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD?" in the right tone of voice, you can name any two individually-good foods here and no one will challenge you on it. List of foods: Ice cream, ham, relish, pancakes, ketchup, cheese, eggs, cupcakes, sour cream, hot chocolate, avocado, skittles. {{Title text: If anyone tries this on you, the best reply is a deadpan "Oh yeah, that's a common potato chip flavor in Canada."}}

My new book, Thing Explainer, comes out today! To celebrate, here's a small game. [[A stick figure on a hoverboard can navigate around a field with platforms and barriers, reminiscent of a pinball machine, from top to bottom and left to right. Along the way it can collect coins, and then deposit them in a little terminal down at the center of the bottom. When you do, a message reads, "You got X coins in Y seconds!" and a secondary message depending on how well you did. X=0 "You successfully avoided all the coins!" X=1 "It's a start." X=2-4 "Not bad." X=5-9 "Terrific!" X=10-16 (No message.) X=17 "You found all the coins! Great job!" However, if you leave the bounds of the playing field in either direction, a message in large red letters will flash: RETURN TO THE PLAY AREA When you keep going, you discover a vast world with grassy fields, caverns, mountains, volcanoes, and buildings. There are many little vignettes hidden everywhere, along with more coins.]] {{Title text: Return to the play area}}

[[A news reader sits at a desk. A graphic of the Scales of Justice floats beside her head.]] Newsreader: Breaking news: the Supreme Court has ruled 9-1 that they don't know who this guy is or how he got in here, but he's definitely not a justice. {{Title text: Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy called the man's arguments that he could be either Alito or Ginsburg "surprisingly compelling, but ultimately unconvincing."}}

((Comic consists of 6 rows of forecasts, each with a description of that time period's weather. )) Your 5-day forecast Day 1: 38 F - Sunny Day 2: 41 F - Cloudy Day 3: 36 F - Rainy Day 4: 40 F - Partially Cloudy Day 5: 44 F - Sunny Your 5-month forecast Month 1: 38 F - Sunny Month 2: 29 F - Christmas Tree Month 3: 21 F - Snow Month 4: 24 F - Snow Month 5: 35 F - Cloudy Your 5-year forecast Year 1: 38 F - Sunny Year 2: 25 F - Cloudy Year 3: 36 F - Sunny Year 4: 37 F - Rainy Year 5: 40 F - Sunny Your 5-million-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,002,015: 52 F - Sunny 2,002,015: 40 F - Cloudy 3,002,015: 275 F - Flying Saucer Attack 4,002,015: Partially Cloudy Your 5-billion-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,000,002,015: 105 F - Larger Orange Sunny 2,000,002,015: 371 F - Even Larger Red Sunny 3,000,002,015: 71,488,106 F - #F8FFBB 4,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field Your 5-trillion-year forecast 2015: 38 F - Sunny 1,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field 2,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Slightly Darker Star Field 3,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Even Darker Star Field 4,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Few Stars Left {{Title text: You know what they say--if you don't like the weather here in the Solar System, just wait five billion years.}}

White Hat Guy: Biology is largely solved. DNA is the source code for our bodies. Now that gene sequencing is easy, we just have to read it. Person 2: It's not just "source code". There's a ton of feedback and external processing. Person 2: But even if it were, DNA is the result of the most aggressive optimization process in the universe, running in parallel at every energy level, in every living thing, for four billion years. White Hat Guy: It's still just code. [[White Hat Guy sits down at a desk with a laptop]] Person 2: Ok, try opening google.com and clicking "view source". White Hat Guy: Ok, I- ...oh my god. Person 2: That's just a few years of optimization by Google devs. DNA is thousands of times longer and way, *way* worse. White Hat Guy: Wow, biology is *impossible*. {{Title text: Researchers just found the gene responsible for mistakenly thinking we've found the gene for specific things. It's the region between the start and the end of every chromosome, plus a few segments in our mitochondria.}}

[[Two figures examine a colorful banded serpent.]] Figure: Red touches yellow, which I think means this is a twenty-four-ohm snake. {{Title text: The last band of color indicates the snake's tolerance for being held before biting.}}

[[A person approaches another person sitting in a chair]] Person 1: Remember how flashlights sucked when we were kids? Always dim and finicky? Person 2: I guess? [[They walk to the door]] Person 1: Well, I discovered there are now internet flashlight enthusiasts. - And the technology has... improved. Person 2: Ok, let's see. [[As they walk outside into the night, Person 1 turns his flashlight on. An enormous incandescence springs forth. Person 2 shies away for a moment.]] <<FWOOSH>> Person 1: See how it lights up the whole forest? Person 2: ..the trees are on fire. Person 1: Real bright, though. {{Title text: Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They're impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it's worth it.}}

[[Person speaks to a second person]] Person 1: You should come to our linguistics club's sesquiannual meeting. - Membership is open to anyone who can figure out how often we meet. {{Title text: If that's too easy, you could try joining Tautology Club, which meets on the date of the Tautology Club meeting.}}

1840: [[Three people in a room. One reading while standing, one sitting in a chair and reading, and a third quite belligerent.]] Person: The modern bookworm is too busy *reading* about the world to *look* at it. 1880: [[Person behind a person eating a meal and reading a newspaper]] Person: No one *talks* anymore- We take our daily newspapers in silence. 1910: [[Person behind another person walking along and reading a periodical]] Person: The magazine is destroying conversation. We read even as we walk! 1960: [[Person observing two kids in front of a TV]] Person: Television has put an end to family discussion. 1980: [[Person on public transportation surrounded by others lost in their own audio]] Person: Thanks to the Sony Walkman, anti-social isolation is now the norm. 2015: [[Person behind two others on their smartphones]] Person: We've become too absorbed in our phones to notice the- Person 2: *Dude*. It's been *two centuries*. - *Take a hint*. {{Title text: 2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today's quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they're in boxes at all!}}

[[A reporter delivers the news, with a graph behind her indicating the performance of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, behaving strangely. The news program is labeled "Marketwatch"]] Reporter: Wild swings on the markets today as investors noticed the Dow was tracing out a silhouette of the D.C. Skyline, and everyone got too weirded out to break the pattern until they finished the Capitol Building. {{Title text: Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.}}

Now that Amazon is advertising one-hour delivery of bottled water, [[A diagram showing the most obvious progression of events. First just one bottle is sent from the warehouse to a person. Then two. Then five. Then 20. Finally, a direct pipe sends the water along.]] I vote we start calling municipal plumbing "on-demand hyperloop-style water delivery" and see if we can sell anyone on the idea. {{Title text: When I was a kid, I asked my parents why our houses didn't have toothpaste pipes in addition to water ones. I'm strangely pleased to see Amazon thinking the same way.}}

[[A reporter is filmed by a cameraperson while reporting on a major operation visible in the background. Helicopters and boats are active in the background. Labels at the bottom say "Historic Salvage" and "Live"]] [[Several smaller boats at the surface have submerged lines carrying up the front half of a massive ship. The ship is labeled "RMS Titanic"]] [[A hover of helicopters are hauling the now ascended front half of the Titanic. A second hover of helicopters follows close behind with the back half. ]] [[Both hovers of helicopters drop their respective pieces into an enormous vat of rice. ]] {{Title text: My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on "how to save your wet phone" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.}}

[[3 people stand in front of a laptop on a desk. Person 3 just stands there and learns]] Person 1: This is git. It tracks collaborative work on projects through a beautiful distributed graph theory tree model. Person 2: Cool. How do we use it? Person 1: No idea. Just memorize these shell commands and type them to sync up. If you get errors, save your work elsewhere, delete the project, and download a fresh copy. {{Title text: If that doesn't fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of 'It's really pretty simple, just think of branches as...' and eventually you'll learn the commands that will fix everything.}}

[[A multiengine rocket sits on a launch pad. Flight controllers monitor the launch.]] Announcer: T-minus 2 minutes Controller 1: Tank and booster are go for launch. Controller 2: Safety console? Controller 1: Check. Safety- Controller 2: Wait. [[Controller 2 notices an object flying past the rocket]] Controller 1: What is it? Controller 2: On the live feed- a cool bird just flew past the tower! Controller 1: Whoa, hat kind? Controller 2: Like a hawk, maybe! Controller 1: Could it be a vulture? Controller 2: I doubt it. The wings were flat, not in a "V". Controller 1: It could be an eagle! Controller 2: Ooh! Controller 1: This is launch control. We have a possible sighting of a cool bird. Halt the countdown. Controller 2: Someone get binoculars up here! Controller 1: I want to see! {{Title text: Visual checks suggest the cool bird has exited the launch zone. Tip the rocket sideways and resume the countdown--we're gonna go find it!}}

[[Another person stuck in a Sisyphean thought bubble.]] Person 1: ((thinking)) Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31- except February, which has 28, and leap year which makes it 29. - Wait, which month was I listening for? Oh right, October. - Did I say "October" in there? Now i can't remember. - 30 days hath September... {{Title text: There's a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!}}

[[Two people are sitting at a desk reviewing things.]] Person 1: We're concerned that some of your results may be tainted by the fact that your human subjects are *awful*. Person 2: What do you mean? Person 1: Several participants in your drug trial were arrested for arson. Person 2: Side effects can be unpredictable. Person 1: They were in the control group. Person 1: In your prisoner's dilemma study, 80% of the participants chose to betray their partners *before* the experimenter had a chance to tell them about the reward. Person 2: Definitely troubling. Person 1: In one experiment, your subjects repeatedly gave electric shocks to a stranger in another room. Person 2: That's a famous psychological- Person 1: This was a study of moisturizing creams! Person 2: Yes, we're not sure how they snuck in all that equipment. {{Title text: After meeting with a few of the subjects, the IRB actually recommended that you stop stressing out so much about safety guidelines.}}

[[Beret Guy is most definitely sitting at a desk, in what may or may not be an announcer's box. Beret Guy has what may or may not be an active headset with microphone on under his hat.]] Beret Guy: For those just joining us, hi! We're on part 5 of a hitting game. Beret Guy: The next guy has a big bat, so he'll probably hit the ball real far. huh? {{ - Wait- he missed! - Oh good, they're letting him try again. Beret Guy: The people sitting on the chair shelves are yelling at this guy, but he's ignoring them. Wow. - Rude. Beret Guy: This thrower is good! He keeps making people leave by throwing balls at them. - It's just him though. None of his teammates are joining in. Beret Guy: That guy just ran to the second pillow when no one was looking! - Everyone's real mad but I guess they checked the rules and there's nothing that says he can't do that. - Yikes. Hopefully they can fix that once this game is over. {{Title text: The thrower started hitting the bats too much, so the king of the game told him to leave and brought out another thrower from thrower jail.}}

[[A person and White Hat Guy walk along]] Person 1: I found a study* that said water is good for you, but you should just drink it when you feel thirsty, and not go overboard. White Hat Guy: Uh huh? {{Footnote*: DOI:10.1097 JSM.0000000000000221}} Person 1: Another study* found that prolonged sitting isn't necessarily bad for you, as long as you're also getting exercise. White Hat Guy: Okay... {{Footnote*: DOI 10.1093 ije dyv101}} Person 1:Now a study* claims that humans in pre-industrial societies stay up late, and sleep 6 or 7 horus a night, just like most people today. White Hat Guy: Huh. So what you're saying is.. {{Footnote*: DOI: 10.1016 j.cub.2015.09.046}} Person 1: Maybe we're overthinking it. White Hat Guy: But what caused our modern epidemic of overthinking?! Plumbing? Or is it email? Person 1: Modern? I bet the wheel was invented by someone overthinking "pushing". {{Title text: On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer cigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is "figuring out which ideas are true is hard."}}

t=0 nanoseconds Person 1: This is called Bell's Theorem. It was first- ((distance marker cross-panel indicating 5 meters between Person 1 and Person 2)) t=1 nanosecond Person 2: Wow, faster-than-light communication is possible! Bell's Second Theorem: Misunderstandings of Bell's Theorem happen so fast that they violate locality. {{Title text: The no-communication theorem states that no communication about the no-communication theorem can clear up the misunderstanding quickly enough to allow faster-than-light signaling.}}

<<a hum so faint it is completely unindicated in the comic wafts through the air>> [[Person with a quizzical look on their face in a room alone]] [[Person looks around the room]] [[Person walks down the hall]] [[Person walks through some doorways]] [[Person walks down some stairs]] [[Person finds a large machine labeled "High-pitched hum generator" at the other end of a room]] [[Person unplugs machine]] [[Person walks away]] {{Title text: Why did we even have that thing?}}

Like many people, I'm tired of nitpicking about Frankenstein's Monster's name. Luckily, Frankenstein is public domain. Therefore, I present XKCD'S FRANKENSTEIN [Lightning bolt] (The monster's name) [[No illustration, just centered text leading to a title with a small lightning bolt at the bottom.]] [[A man with a flat-top haircut lies under a blanket on a gurney, with wires leading from his neck. A person throws a large switch on the wall.]] Monster: GRAAAR! Doctor: Frankenstein is alive! I am a modern Prometheus! Monster: RAAAAR! Doctor: To be clear, your name is Frankenstein . Canonically. Monster: GRAAAAAR! The moon landings were faked! Doctor: Wait, what? ~Fin.~ There. Feel free to call the monster "Frankenstein." If anyone tries to correct you, just explain that this comic is your canonical version. Thank you. [[Again, no illustration, just text.]] {{Title text: "Wait, so in this version is Frankenstein also the doctor's name?" "No, he's just 'The Doctor'."}}

[[Two people talk to each other while holding their smartphones.]] 1: Your photos from the triathlon got so many more likes than mine. 2: Yeah - my phone is quad-core. Research shows that iPhones like yours have just two cores, so they have a hard time capturing scenes with three different events in them. If we talked about phone hardware the way we talk about brain hardware. {{Title text: My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.}}

Title: My food rule Will eat: Red meat, pork, poultry, fish, fruit, vegetables, grains. Won't eat: shrimp, oysters, squid. Caption: I won't eat something if I have to google to figure out whether or not it has a face. {{Title text: I won't eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.}}

[[Person 1 sits on the floor facing a laptop with another laptop behind them. The second laptop has an external keyboard attached. Person 2 stands looking at Person 1.]] Person 1: Keys on my keyboard keep failing, even when I boot from an external recovery disk. Person 2: Sounds like it's hardware, then. [[Person 1 turns slightly to reach the second laptop.]] Person 1: Yeah... except the problem followed me from my last computer. Person 2: You have the most bizarre tech issues. [[Person 1 has unplugged the keyboard from the second laptop and plugged it into the first laptop.]] Person 1: It must be spreading via keyboards. This one won't work with any computer now. Person 2: When the robot apocalypse happens, I'm hiding out in your house. Any Skynet drones that come near will develop inexplicable firmware problems and crash. {{Title text: In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.}}

Person 1: So it's a work of fiction about a well-known brand, written on the internet by an enthusiast, republished as a bestselling book, and then made into a movie? Person 2: yup. [[Person 1 ponders this for a moment]] Person 1: Yeah, "The Martian" and "Fifty Shades of Grey" are basically the same book. Person 2: "Fifty Shades of Red"? Person 1: Man, tell me you wouldn't read that. {{Title text: I just came from The Martian, and I just have to say: Forget BB-8; I want a pet Sojourner! It's always been the cutest of our Mars rovers.}}

Isaac Newton [[A man sitting under a tree is hit in the head by a falling apple.]] <<BONK>> Newton: Ow! [[Newton rubs his sore head.]] Newton: Aha! Lise Meitner [[Someone throws a ball towards a woman, and it goes over her head.]] Ball-thrower: Hey Lise, think fast! <<CRASH>> [[The ball has hit one of her porcelain model atoms, splitting it in half. Lise surveys the damage.]] Lise: Oh no! My collection of porcelain atoms! -- ...Hmm. Charles Darwin [[Charles Darwin and his wife are watching their four children drinking soda. Two drink through straws while two have beaks and are having trouble drinking.]] Mrs. Darwin: I gave our kids soda, but the ones with beaks always have trouble drinking it. Mr. Darwn: I've noticed that... Albert Einstein [[A train passes by in the background while Albert Einstein and another person look on from the foreground.]] Einstein: I wish your twin brother would stop shining lights at us from that train. I can barely see my clock! - ...Wait! {{Title text: Charles, I just talked to John and Mildred, who run that company selling seeds and nuts, and their kids with MOUTHS are starving!}}

[[Someone stands at a podium with the NASA logo on it, speaking.]] Spokesperson: That concludes the press conference. Any questions? - Yes, you, from... it just says "The News"? [[With a crowd of nondescript people behind him, White Beret speaks into a microphone.]] WB: Hi! I have a microphone so I'm real loud now. - How does this Mars data compare to data from other fields? Like medicine? Or sports? [[The spokesperson responds from out of panel, we still see White Beret with the microphone.]] Spokesperson: That question makes no sense. WB: If there's water on Mars, is it ruined? - Or will it be okay when it dries out? Spokesperson: Any other questions? [[A far side-view of spokesperson at the podium facing a crowd of various people, including White Beret.]] WB: What were those guys hassling Luke in the Mos Eisley cantina trying to accomplish? I felt like I was supposed to understand that. Spokesperson: Anyone else ? Other person: That's now my question, too. Another person: Were they just picking a fight? Other person: If so, why did... {{Title text: Why are we spending billions to ruin Mars with swarms of robots when Elon Musk has promised to ruin Mars for a FRACTION of the cost?}}

[[A person monologues to their friend.]] Picture a grassy field. In the center sits a small, pale, big-eyed creature with the power to escape from any visualized scene and move freely through the brain that imagined it. It glances around nervously and-- --whoops, where'd it go? Sorry about that! Keep an eye out for it in your daydreams. {{Title text: Wait, I can fix this. Picture another field. In the middle sits the only creature the first creature is afraid of. Now just-- wait, where did THAT one go?}}

XKCd turns 10 years old this month. In light of last nights court ruling in Rupamarya v. Warner Chappell Music Inc, I would just like to say: Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear XKCD Happy birthday to you [[There is a cake here.]] {{Title text: I guess I need to apologize to my parents, friends, and the staff at Chuck E. Cheese's for all the times I called the cops on them.}}

transcribe [[A person monologues to another]] Lots of apps let you plan your tirps using real-time bus, train, and traffic data. They try to predict which route will be faster, but aren't always right. Instead of just planning, my new app lets you send "ghost" versions of you along different routes, simulating their travel using the real-time data. That way, you can see which route turned out to be faster in practice. You can also race your past selves. [[Soon: Person dashing out of a taxi, twenty feet behind a ghost.]] Ugh, lost to the bike ghost AGAIN. [[Person carrying briefcase is on wrong side of door. On the other side, wife is standing with ghost also carrying briefcase. ]] Person: Hey, my key won't work. Wife: I'm sorry, but we've decided to replace you. This floaty guy is much more punctual. Person: But... [[Two children hold hands with ghost]] Children: Our NEW dad never misses our games! [[Person, stretching out hands in desperate agony]] Person: NOOOOOOOOOOO! {{Title text: And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.}}

[[Flowchart of things which support things. Arrows indicate what supports what.]] Library supports library, supports custom settings, supports library, supports tool, supports updater, supports vm, supports chat client, supports repository, supports nothing at all! library, supports hardware workaround, supports awful hack from 2009, supports irc for some reason, supports awful hack from 2009, supports the library we started with DLL needed by something, supports two mysterious items??? "Things I actually want to use my computer for" neither supports nor is supported by anything else on the chart. CAPTION: Every now and then I realize I'm maintaining a huge chain of technology solely to support itself. {{Title text: And when I think about it, a lot of "things I want to do" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.}}

[[A person is walking along and they see a squirrel standing on a tree stump.]] Squirrel: RIIIIING -- RIIIIIING [[The person picks up the squirrel and puts it to his ear like a phone.]] Person: Hello? [[The squirrel bites down on the person's ear.] <<CHOMP>> Person: OW! [[The squirrel leaps away, and the person is left holding his face in bewilderment.]] Person: ??? {{Title text: After a while, the squirrel starts making that beeping noise and doesn't stop until it hops back up onto the stump.}}

[[Stick guy is standing in front of a wall-sized grid, 12 rows high, 20 columns wide. Each larger box has a smaller grid inside.]] Unsettling Gift: Life Expectancy Advent Calendar. {{Title text: The few dozen doors that have little Christmas trees on them are a nice touch.}}

[[Two Friends walking and talking.]] Monologuer: ...anyway, I could care less. Listener: I think you mean you COULDN'T care less. Saying you COULD care less implies you care at least some amount. Monologuer: I dunno. [[Monologuer begins to monologue over many panels]] We're these unbelievably complicated brains drifting through a void, trying in vain to connect with one another by blindly flinging words out into the darkness. Every choice of phrasing and spelling and tone and timing carries countless signals and contexts and subtexts and more, and every listener interprets those signals in their own way. Language isn't a formal system. Language is a glorious chaos. You can never know for sure what ANY words will mean to ANYONE. All you can do is try to get better at guessing how your words affect people, so you can have a chance of finding the ones that will make them feel something like what you want them to feel. Everything else is pointless. I assume you're giving me tips on how you interpret words because you want me to feel less alone. If so, then thank you. That means a lot. But if you'r ejust running my sentences past some mental checklist so you can show off how well you know it, then I could care less. {{Title text: I literally could care less.}}

[[An untitled graph. Horizontal axis: Time. Vertical axis: Sets of footprints. Data points are listed below, in the format NUMBER: EVENT LABEL]] 2: Start 1: Jesus carried me 1: I carried jesus 1: Jesus disappeared for an evening each time a new Twilight movie came out 3: Who was that guy? 5: Ducklings imprinted on jesus and followed him around 4: Got lost and followed our own footprints 1: Rode around with jesus in captured at-st 1: Hit quicksand patch. Jesus didn't make it :( 0: Went home {{Title text: "There's one set of foot-p's cause I was totes carrying you, bro!" said Jesus seconds before I punched him.}}

[[A series of whitepaper headlines]] Many Commercial Antibody-Based Immunoassays Are Unreliable Problems With the p-value as an indicator of significance Overfeeding of laboratory rodents compromises animal models Replication study fails to reproduce many published results controlled trials show bunsen burners make things colder {{Title text: Careful mathematical analysis demonstrates small-scale irregularities in Gaussian distribution}}

[[Two scientists look at graphs, intensely!]] Scientist: Our overall fiscal year 2015 cyberintelligence budget was eight point one billion- Scientst2: Yet it wasn't enough to pick up on the fact that no one else has used the prefix "cyber-" for like a decade? Scientist: Shut up. {{Title text: We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.}}

Introducing the XKCD SURVEY! A search for weird correlations. NOTE: This survey is anonymous, but all responses will be posted publicly so people can play with the data. Click here to take the survey. http: goo.gl forms lzZr7P9Qlm Or click here, or here. The whole comic is a link because I still haven't gotten the hang of HTML imagemaps. {{Title text: The xkcd Survey: Big Data for a Big Planet}}

Certain letters and numbers are used disproporitionately often in car models compared to regular text. See: Rev-4 CR-X x4 G6 MAXX [[There is a bar chart here. With frequency scores for letters and umbers in car model names.]] Bases on these scores, here are a few suggestions for car companies (with average letter scores) SECTION: Names to avoid Honda 2Chainz (-0.13) Mitsubishi Fhqwhgads (-0.62) Kia 49AndGothy (-2.96) Chevrolet Niceguy (-3.09) Oldsmobile GoodWood (-4.44) Infinity Toothy69 (-4.51) BMW Outhouse (-4.85) Volkswagen Woodpony 7OH7 (-5.70) Chrysler Uh Iono (-5.65) Nissan Doody (-5.84) SECTION: Potential hits Honda 3Chainz (0.57) Subaru Andre3000 (1.30) Suzuki Sexism (1.82) Lincoln Marxism (2.17) Hyundai Climax (2.48) Porsche Zizek9000 (3.06) Lexus 3x3Cutrix (3.22) Acura PizzaJazz (3.56) Ford SixAxle 4x4 (3.95) Toyota Cervixxx (4.85) {{A full explanation of THE CUNNING REFERENCES in this are at http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1571 }} {{Title text: CLIMAX is good, but SEXCLIMAX is even better.}}

[[Empty panel with text]] An engineer syllogism [[Engineer sits at desk thoughtfully, thinking.]] Engineer: One, I am good at understanding numbers. [[Engineer puts hands to face, pondering]] Engineer: Two, the stock market is made of numbers. [[Engineer suddenly aghast]] Engineer: Three, therefore, I-- WOW where did all my money just go? {{Title text: The less common, even worse outcome: "3: [everyone in the financial system] WOW, where did all my money just go?"}}

[[Beret guy excitedly points to a pillar about a meter across. There's a sign on the side. Beret guy is pointing it out to his friend, Fancy Haircut]] Beret: Check it out! I threw my magic beans on the ground here yesterday, and this big tree appeared! [[Now in silhouette we see the pillar is several hundred feet tall, covered in antennae, and the figures are as ants in its shadow.]] haircut: that's a cell tower. beret: no way-- it has branches! See? I'm gonna climb it! [[Beret guy begins to shimmy up the side of the pole. Somehow. With impressively powerful thighs I guess.]] haircut: No, they just put those there to make it look-- ...never mind. [[Later...]] haircut: Why do I have no signal? beret, with an axe: there were scary giants with yellow helmets in that tree! luckily, I cut it down before they ate me. {{Title text: Since people rarely try to cut down cell phone towers, after millions of years, as cell phone towers have gotten more treelike, trees have started growing fake cell phone tower attachments and shiny gray bark to protect themselves. This is a standard textbook example of convergent evolution.}}

[[Movies stacked up on a shelf. Their titles on the spine are as followed]] Wandboy and the magic rock Wandboy and the hidden room Wandboy and the fugitive Wandboy and the burning cup Wandboy and the firebird club Wandboy and the book owner Wandboy and the magic stuff (1 2) Wandboy and the magic stuff (2 2) Puncher Puncher II Puncher III Puncher IV Puncher V Puncher Lastname Tropical boaters: spooky boat Tropical boaters: Angry worhface Tropical boaters: boats everywhere Tropical boaters: vitamin water Professor whip and the box of god Professor whip and the scary church Professor whip and the looks for a cup Professor whip is in another movie {{Title text: There's also the TV show based on the hit Hot and Cold Music books: Fun With Chairs, Royal Rumble, Knife Blizzard, Breakfast for Birds, and Samba Serpents.}}

[[A enthused CHEF speaks to us from behind a counter loaded with spices & kitchen things.]] Chef: If you're anything like me, you may have trouble telling when meat is fully cooked. Chef: Instead of guessing, try a meat thermometer. [[Chef stands between a full trash can on one side, and sink on the other. Chef holds a dirty plate, like the exact opposite of a glistening beacon of cleanliness.]] Chef: If you're anything like me, you probably throw away your plates and glasses when they get dirty. But if you clean them, they can often be used again! [[Chef is busy with a frying pan over a stove.]] Chef: Making scrambled eggs? Put a pan under them! Chef: It's easier, and it keeps your burners cleaner. [[Chef sprays a garden hose into the freezer side of a combination refrigerator freezer. Water is flowing out.]] Chef: If you're anything like me, you make ice by spraying a hose into your freezer and then slamming it shut. Chef: But there's a better way.... {{Title text: Household tip: Tired of buying so much toilet paper? Try unspooling the paper from the roll before using it. A single roll can last for multiple days that way, and it's much easier on your plumbing.}}

[[Four board gamers sit around a table, looking at one another across a pile of books and papers.]] Randall: Now, this pile is "Allowable deduction" cards. You match them with cards in your hand to preserve their full point value. Over here are "dependent" tokens.. Caption: Every year i trick a local board game club into doing my taxes. {{Title text: Yes, it took a lot of work to make the cards and pieces, but it's worth it--the players are way more thorough than the tax prep people ever were.}}

Title: PROTIP [[A car is surrounded by two waiting, non-plussed friends while the driver clears the car out.]] Driver: Hang on, I just have to clear a few things out of the back. [[The driver opens the door. There are smell lines coming out.]] Caption: When you hear "I just have to clear a few things out of the back", You are about to see, at minimum, a decaying racoon. {{Title text: Hang on, let me scare the live raccoon over to the same side of the dead one.}}

[[A single figure plods along alone, deep in thought.]] Thought: There's no way that's true. Thought: It would interfere with basic cognition. Thought: Such a ridiculous view of masculinity. Thought: How would you even STUDY that? Caption: Every seven seconds, sociologists think about that made-up statistic about how often men think about sex. {{Title text: Every few months, I think about sex every seven seconds and how weird and implausible it would be.}}

[[The spines of DVD cases on a shelf, the titles from left to right read: ]] SPACE FIGHTS: SUDDEN OPTIMSIM SPACE FIGHTS: THE GOVERNMENT WINS THIS ONE SPACE FIGHTS: THE SWORD WIZARD IS BACK THE JEWELRY GOD: THE JEWELRY TEAM THE JEWELRY GOD: DOUBLE HOUSES THE JEWELRY GOD: WE HAVE A CZAR AGAIN SPACE TRIP: THE MOVIE SPACE TRIP: THAT GUY IS ANGRY SPAC TRIP: WHERE IS THE VULCAN? SPACE TRIP: LET'S GO BACK {{Title text: Fans eagerly await 2015's 'Space Fights: Power Gets Up', although most think 1999's 'Space Fights: The Scary Ghost' didn't live up to the hype.}}

[[Two figures chatting]] Scraggly figure: Remember, there's no "I" in "team." Shorn figure: No, but there's a "U" in "People who apparently don't understand the relationship between orthography and meaning." {{Title text: There's no "I" in "VOWELS".}}

[[A phase diagram of water, with temperature on the horizontal axis increasing to the left, and pressure on the vertical axis increasing downwards. It shows the commonly known phases of water (ice, liquid, vapor) as well as the more exotic high-pressure phases Ice II, Ice III and Ice V. As pressure increases, the diagram shows Vanilla Ice (Ice VI) transitioning to David Bowie & Queen.]] {{Title text: Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn't until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months. }}

[[BERET GUY stands in a doorway into a dark room, silhouetted against the light]] Beret: I came here to chew bubblegum and make friends! [[Now in a well lit space, BERET GUY stands silently, facing two figures.]] [[BERET GUY stretches out a hand towards the figures, who completely fail to react.]] Beret: Want some gum? {{Title text: I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I'm all out of}}

[[black hat guy walks up to a figure carrying a large, heavy rock]] Black hat guy: Would you guess this weighs as much as a small adult? Figure: What? Uh, probably. [[black hat guy walks off panel with the panel]] black hat guy: great! [[offscreen]] <<thump>> Car: Please fasten your seat belt. <<click>> black hate guy: Take me to Anchorage, Alaska. car: navigating. <<slam>> <<vrrrrrrrrr>> [[Black hat guy returns to frame]] black hat guy: I love self driving cars. figure: ...whose car was that? black hat guy: dunno, but they shouldn't have left it running. {{Title text: Sadly, it probably won't even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.}}

[[A concerned pet owner at the front of a row of customers in a veterinarian's office. A tired veterinary assistant performs arbitrage. A pet carrier cage, the sort used to contain a small dog or cat, is on a desk for the vet tech to examine.]] Pet owner: There's something wrong with my dog. Pet owner: He keeps crawling around eating dirt. [[The vet tech carefully removes the dog from its carrier and gently examines it.]] Vet tech: This is a roomba. Pet owner: Well, he's a mix. Pet owner: Probaby some roomba in there. [[The vet tech places the roomba on the desk, probably maintaining a weary forced congeniality though we can't see their face.]] Vet tech: A roomba is not a pet. Pet owner: You're right. It's wrong to keep a beautiful creature like this in a house. [[The pet owner, outside, beneath a tall tree. It looks like an ash, or maybe a beech. There aren't any leaves drawn in the frame so I can't be sure.]] Pet owner: Go! Be free! [[The roomba cheerfully speeds towards the tree]] Roomba: WHIRRR {{Title text: It's probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it's illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.}}

[[Two figures talking]] Figure: I met a traveler from an antique land who said: "I met a traveler from an antique land, who said: "I met a traveler from an antique land, who said: "I met... {{Title text: And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And on the pedestal these words appear: "And ...}}

[[Two figures stand in front of a glorious skyscape]] Figure: I like the sky Second figure: Yeah [[The CLOUDS are ALIGHT in a GLORIOUS SPECTACLE which eludes description]] Second figure: It's one of my favorite halves. {{Title text: The other half has some cool shipwrecks, rocks, and snakes, but if you move those out of the way, it also has more sky.}}

[[Title: Exoplanet names 2]] NASA has announced the discovery of a (super)earth sized planet in the habitable zone of a sun-like star. I suggest we name this planet "pluto", both to celebrate the great work by the new horizons team, and to make the stupid "is pluto a planet" debate a little more confusing. While we wait to hear from the IAU, here's a revised and updated list of planet name suggestions, see xkcd.com 1253 [[Full explanation & dissection & transcription available http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1555 ]] {{Title text: I'm going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they'll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.}}

[[Two characters in dialogue]] Questioner: your turn. Can you name all the spice girls? Answerer: Hmm. Hearing spice, vision spice, smell spice, touch spice, taste spice? Questioner: That's senses. Answerer: Denial spice, anger spice, bargaining spice, depression spice, acceptance spice. Questioner: Stages of grief. Answerer: War spice, famine spice, plague spice, death spice? Questioner: You're not even trying. Answerer: No, wait, I can get this for real. uhh... Answerer: Pog spice, story spice, sarah spice, gender spice, baleen spice? Questioner: ...close enough. {{Title text: The Earth's five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.}}

[[Character sits alone at a desk.. drifting in an infinite white void..]] Character, thinking: I've been posting my public key for fifteen years now, but no one has ever asked me for it or used it for anything as far as I can tell. [[A frame of silence.]] [[Another frame of silence.]] Character, thinking more: Maybe I should try posting my PRIVATE key instead. {{Title text: I guess I should be signing stuff, but I've never been sure what to sign. Maybe if I post my private key, I can crowdsource my decisions about what to sign.}}

[[Two people are standing on the left, with a dog in a vest with a '9' on its side. Two other people are facing them on the right, one is holding a clipboard.]] Clipboard: There's nothing in the rulebook that says we can't kill and eat your dog. {{Title text: It's definitely an intentional foul, but we've decided it's worth it.}}

Title:PLUTO Subtitle: Some of the features already identified in today's NEW HORIZONS image [[What follows is random text labels pointing to random areas of Pluto. I will list them.]] Candy shell Frontal bone grease stains bugs jpeg plumes full text of the wikipedia article on paridolia snake pit tadpole moon bud reset button the good part pluto dinosaur extinction crater kuiper beltloops megaman area missed during ironing hyena country border of pride lands heart coronary heart disease mount mons probably benign dock connector vanilla frosting chocolate frosting debate hole: where we're putting all the people still arguing about pluto's planet status plug (inflating deflating) charging socket cracks (beginning to hatch) serenity bullet holes new netherlands ghost dinosaur disputed territory Image credit: NASA MOTHERFUCKERS ((Editor's note: Sorry, I added the "Motherfuckers". Not in original comic)) {{Title text: After decades of increasingly confused arguing, Pluto is reclassified as a "dwarf Pluto."}}

[[Movie title: STAR WARS, THE FORCE AWAKENS]] [[A desolate adobe structure. A sign out front reads TOSCHE STATION]] [[Hooded jedi & R2D2 walk into the TOSCHE STATION]] JEDI: I'm here for those power converters. [[Closing title: Directed by J J Abrams]] {{Title text: The Lord of the Rings sequel, set years after the Ring hubbub has died down, is just Samwise discreetly creeping back to Bag End to finish dropping the eaves.}}

[[A drawing of a phone is shown here. Numerous features are pointed out. It is called THE XKCD PHONE 3, We Made Another One®™]] Listing of features: Boneless Ear screen Heartbeat accelerator MobilePay money clip Siri, or whoever it was we put in here Instead of being on surface only, screen goes all the way through Theknot.com partnership: phone licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and does so at random. Fingerprint randomizer. USB E (hotswappable) Waterproof, but can drown. Foretold by prophecy Runs natively Wristband Wireless discharging Magnetic stripe Two AA batteries (not included) {{Title text: If you're not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.}}

[[Two children on a playground]] child: Ugh, don't you hate how parents are all "eat your carrots" and "lol, remember Rugrats and Doug? Share if you're a 90's kid!" Caption: The median age at first birth in the US is 25, which means the typical new mother is now a 90's kid. {{Title text: We remember Rugrats, and think of them every time our kids look at us through their baby gates.}}

Title: Questions I have about the solar system. Some answered. Why is the moon so blotchy? Answer: Lava. Why are all the blotches on the near side? Did mars have seas? Answer: Yes, briefly? Was their life on mars? What's titan like? Answer: Cold, yellow, lakes and rivers (methane) What was earth like during the hadean? Is the oort cloud a real thing? Why is the suns corona so hot? Answer: Something about magnets? What are comets like? Answer: Precipitous Where's Philae, exactly? What's pluto like? Answer: SOON! What's Charon like? Answer: Soon! Why don't we have in-between-sized planets? What's Ceres like? Answer: Working on it! Why is Europa so weird looking and pretty? Answer: Ice over a water ocean Why is IO so weird looking? Answer: Sulfur volcanos.. in the wrong places?? Why are so many Kyiper belt objects red? What are those spots on Ceres? What's in the sease under Europa's ice? Which of the other moons have seas? Answer: Several What are the big white things in Titans lakes? What do Jupiter's clouds look like up close? What's all that red stuff in the great red spot? What's pushing the pioneer probes? Answer: Heat from the RTG What pushes spacecraft slightly during flybys? Where are all the sun's neutrinos? Answer: Oscillating Why is there so much air on Titan? Why does the Kuiper belt stop? Why is Iapetus weird colored? Why does Iapetus have a belt? What's the deal with Miranda? Did Uranus and Neptune change places? Did the late heavy bombardment happen? Did life start before it? Is Europa covered in ice spikes? Why haven't we built a big inflatable extreme sports complex on the moon? {{Title text: My country's World Cup win was exciting and all, but c'mon, what if the players wore nylon wings and COULD LITERALLY FLY?}}

TITLE: My hobby. [[GRAPHIC: A tree diagram of many tiny ovals.]] Running a massive distributed computing project that simulates trillions and trillions of Tamagotchis and keeps them all constantly fed and happy. {{Title text: The Singularity happened, but not to us.}}

[[Two characters sit at a table, opposite one another. One is an INTERVIEWER, the other an APPLICANT]] Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness? Applicant: Probably that I'm a giant tangle of parts that don't always work right, so I can die easily. Interviewer: Biggest strength? Applicant: There will come a day when I'm either an ancesotr to ALL living humans, or to NONE of them. Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? Applicant: Probably not the ancestor of all living humans yet. But you never know! {{Title text: Do you need me to do a quicksort on the whiteboard or produce a generation of offspring or something? It might take me a bit, but I can do it.}}

[[A single woman, MARGARET, speaks alone, in the darkness.]] Margaret: Are you there, god? It's me, Margaret. Margaret: I know you're listening. [[Margaret appears larger.]] Margaret: Are you scared, god? Margaret: Are you? [[Only her head face is seen now. The lack of expression on her ovoid countenance is truly horrifying.]] Margaret: You should be. [[Silhouetted against the darkness, Margaret stands alone.]] Margaret: MARGARET IS COMING FOR YOU. {{Title text: Otherwise known as Margaret the Destroyer, I will bring pain to the the Great One. Then again, maybe I won't.}}

[[A person stands on a stage, holding an award. Another person with a ponytail stands behind a podium next to them.]] Winner: I'd like to thank my director, my friends and family, and - of course - the writhing mass of gut bacteria inside me. -- I mean, there's like one or two pints of them in here; their cells outnumber mine! -- Anyway, this was a real team effort. {{Title text: Given the role they play in every process in my body, really, they deserve this award more than me. Just gotta figure out how to give it to them. Maybe I can cut it into pieces to make it easier to swallow ...}}

[[A newspaper with the headline: National Scheduling Conflict Championships Canceled. Below the headline is a picture of an empty podium beneath a banner that reads "NSCC 2015."]] {{Title text: Neither a spokesperson for the organization nor the current world champion could be reached for comment.}}

[[Two people, one with dark hair and one with light hair, walking along.]] Dark hair: Are you doing anything later? Light hair: I was th- I can only control my voice once every six years. Please, you have to -inking of going out, but no real plans. DH: ...what was that? LH: Haha, what? {{Title text: Anyway, we should totally go watch a video story or put some food in our normal mouths!}}

Hemingway's Rough Drafts [[A list.]] For Sale: This Gullible Baby's Shoes Baby Shoes For Sale By Owner ((crossed out))Actually, there's no evidence Hemingway wrote Free Shoes, Provided You Overpower Baby For Sale: Weird Baby's Toe Shoes For Sale: Baby Shoes ((check mark))Prime Eligible ((crossed out))Though popularly attributed to Hemingway, the This Weird Trick Covers Baby Feet! For Sale: Baby Shoes, Just Hatched Sale: Seven-League Boots (expedited shipping) Complete This Survey for Free Shoes! Shoes , by Ernest Hemingway [citation needed] <blink><marquee>Baby Shoes!< marquee>< blink> For Sale: Baby-sized Saddle, Bobcat Hemingway Busted for Craigslist Shoe Scam {{Title text: Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.}}

[[Two people walk along, one with light hair and a ponytail, another with shortish dark hair.]] Ponytail: Why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook all this control over our lives? Dark hair: I dunno. - Our species built thousands of nuclear weapons, scattered them around the planet, and then moved on to other things. - Maybe it's best to accept that some of this big-picture planning is just happening on autopilot. {{Title text: [10 years later] Man, why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook control over our nuclear weapons?}}

[[A man sits in an easy-chair, while music with indecipherable lyrics plays from a radio behind him.]] Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to understand song lyrics without looking them up. {{Title text: To me, trying to understand song lyrics feels like when I see text in a dream but it𝔰 hอᵣd t₀ ᵣeₐd aกd 𝒾 canٖt fཱྀcu༧༦࿐༄}}

My new language is great, but it has a few quirks regarding type: [[Gray and white type on a black background.]] [1]> 2 + "2" => "4" [2]> "2" + [ ] => "[2]} [3] (2 0) => NaN [4]> (2 0)+2 => NaP [5]> ""+"" => '"+"' [6]> [1,2,3] + 2 => FALSE [7]> [1,2,3] +4 => TRUE [8] 2 (2-(3 2 + 1 2)) => NaN.00000000000000013 [9]> RANGE(" ") => (' " ', "!", " ", '"') [10]> +2 => 12 [11]> 2+2 => DONE [14]> RANGE (1,5) => (1,4,3,4,5) [13]> FLOOR(10.5) => | => | => | => |___10.5___ {{Title text: colors.rgb("blue") yields "#0000FF". colors.rgb("yellowish blue") yields NaN. colors.sort() yields "rainbow"}}

[[White Hat Guy comes up behind Stickman while he is sitting at a desk looking at a laptop.]] SM: Ooh, trailer for The Martian ! WHG: What's that? SM: Movie of a book I liked. WHG: Should I read it? [[Stickman turns around in his chair to face White Hat Guy.]] SM: Depends. You know the scene in Apollo 13 where the guy says "we have to figure out how to connect this thing to this thing using this table full of parts or the astronauts will all die?" WHG: Yeah? [[Stickman turns back to the laptop.]] SM: The Martian is for people who wish the whole movie had just been more of that scene. WHG: How on earth did that become a big-budget thing with Matt Damon? SM: No idea, but I'm so excited. {{Title text: I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you've just bricked something important because you didn't pay enough attention to a loose wire.}}

[[This comic uses a series of venn diagrams to show "Words I use to refer to a pet over the years that I live with"]] First year: Primarily the pet's name, and sometimes words related to the pet. Second year: Primarily words related to the pet, and sometimes the pets name or coherent words of any kind. Third year: Words related to the pet, or coherent words of any kind, and sometimes not even that. Fourth year onward: Terms which do not belong in any of the aforementioned categories. {{Title text: Seventh year: Perfectly coherent words, but in the pet's language, not mine.}}

[[Two people stand at an open refrigerator.]] 1: What do you drink? Stouts? Lagers? 2: Uh, anything's fine. [[Person 1 is drinking from a bottle while Person 2 holds his in his hand.]] 2: ...do you ever think maybe we should just admit that all beer tastes kind of bad and everyone's just pretending? [[Person 2 drinks from his bottle and Person 1 holds his.]] 1: Man, you are no fun at all. 2: Ok, got it. Not a word. 1: Dude, if you don't like it, don't drink it. 2: No, no, gotta do my part! - Mmmmm!!! {{Title text: Mmmm, this is such a positive experience! I feel no social pressure to enjoy it at all!}}

[[White Beret Guy is walking off, carrying a briefcase.]] WBG: Gotta go - I'm late for work. Off-screen: Oh, where are you working now? WBG: Antique factory! [[White Beret Guy arrives at his office, where he pulls out his chair from his desk.]] [[He sits at his table and waits.]] [[And waits.]] {{Title text: WARNING: This item was aged by the same inexorable passage of time that also processes nuts.}}

[[Two people stand at a mission control terminal.]] One: We made it! After all these years, New Horizons is finally revealing the surface of Pluto! Two: Take that , Dawn team. [[On the black screen, a small grayish circle appears.]] [[It grows slightly larger, and a differentiation of colors can be seen, white and gray.]] [[Larger still, now landmasses and water are visible.]] [[It is now large enough to see that we are looking at the Earth, with Africa, Europe, and some of Asia visible.]] [[One person is still looking at the screen while the other is walking away.]] One: Ok, who did the calculations for the Jupiter slingshot maneuver? Two: Dammit, Steve... {{Title text: Last-minute course change: Let's see if we can hit Steve's house.}}

[[A person with a ponytail stands in front of a projector screen with an image of a speeding firetruck hurtling toward a person on it. They hold a pointer, and indicate towards the image.]] Ponytail: The Bernoulli-Dopper-Leidenfrost-Peltzman-Sapir-Whorf-Dunning-Kruger-Stroop Effect states that if a speeding fire truck lifts off and hurtles toward you on a layer of superheated gas, you'll dive out of the way faster if the driver screams "RED!" in a non -tonal language that has a word for "firefighter" than if they scream "GREEN!" in a tonal language with no word for "firefighter" which you think you're fluent in but aren't. {{Title text: This well-known effect has of course been replicated in countless experiments.}}

[[A person walks toward their computer desk as the screen indicates "new chat message."]] [[The screen shows a text conversation (where lines are contained in speech bubble boxes) between White Hat Guy and the first person.]] WHG: Can't sleep. Stupid dogs keep barking. FJAFJKLDWSKF7JKFDJ FP: Ugh, I'm sorry. Maybe you could... ...OK, wait. I have to ask. How did you hit a "7" in the middle there? WHG: Huh? I was just randomly keyboard mashing. FP: Sorry, right. WHG: Anyway, FP: ...I know this is silly, but like... all your hands were clearly on the home row. I don't get how one finger could have stretched up to the "7." WHG: Why do you always fixate on these bizarre details? FG: I don't know. Sorry. WHG: It's weird, is all. [[A giant spider dangles from the ceiling, typing at a laptop on a desk, while White Hat Guy is suspended upside down, wrapped in spider thread. The chair lies on the floor on its side. The conversation continues on the computer.]] Spider:I am a normal human typing with my human hands. FP: Yeah, of course. I know. ((MMM!! MMPH!!!)) {{Title text: WHY DON'T YOU COME HANG OUT INSIDE MY HOUSE. WE CAN COOK BREAD AND CHAT ABOUT OUR INTERNAL SKELETONS.}}

[[What follows is a bunch of names, all in an ULTIMATE SINGLE ELIMINATION BRACKET, like one might see for SPORTS like BATTLEBOTS or MARCH MADNESS.]] [[on the left side]] Louis armstrong neil armstrong lance armstrong stretch armstrong jeff gordon jeff bridges jeff daniels jack daniels orson welles h.g. wells george orwell wells fargo kurt russell russell brand russell crowe russell simmons richard simmons gene simmons gene hackman hugh jackman alan rickman alan parsons alan partridge jenny mccarthy joseph mccarthy eugene mccarthy eugene v.debs gene wilder olivia wilde oscar wilde oscar de la renta oscar de la hoya jack nicklaus jack nicholson phil mickelson nicholas nickleby ryan adams bryan adams chubby checker fats domino colin firth colin farrell will ferrell the farrelly brothers joseph gordon-levitt jennifer love hewitt danny glover donald glover donnie wahlberg mark wahlberg mark ruffalo mark shuttleworth [[on the right side]] philip pullman bill pullman bill paxton bill murray dan aykroyd ginger rogers mister fred astaire rogers mister spock doctor spock doctor octopus doctor manhattan doctor strangelove doctor strnage dr. no the doctor cory doctorow jerry lee lewis jerry lewis jenny lewis xeni jardin chris evans chris hemsworth chris pine chris pratt shallots scallops scallions sioxsie sioux suzanne vega tom arnold arnold palmer amanda palmer wes craven wes anderson paul thomas anderson poul anderson sir walter scott sir walter raleigh sir francis drake frank drake drake van halen van morrison van wilder robert van winkle rip van winkle rip torn natalie imbruglia the body shop bath and body works bed bath and beyond beyond thunderdome beyoncé {{Title text: I'm staring at the "doctor" section, and I can't help but feel like I've forgotten someone.}}

[[Two figures sit at a table. One is IMBIBING from a large BOTTLE. The other is cradling what could be a cup of coffee, or a squarish bomb, or even a boxy of custom size condoms. IMBIBER: Maybe this is the vodka talking, but: HI! I'M MADE FROM POTATOES! {{Title text: Or whatever's handy! I'm pretty much pure alcohol and water, so it doesn't really matter!}}