ABCD

[[The confirmation hearings begin...]] Senator: It appears you have quite an arrest record. Senator: Is it true you completely disassembled someone's car outside a Starbucks? Hat Guy: It was parked across two spaces. Senator: You stole a red Fokker triplane and strafed the snoopy float at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade? Hat Guy: Got three mimes, too. Senator: You disrupted a 9 11 truth meeting, insisting the Twin Towers never actually collapsed? Hat Guy: I have evidence! Don't trust the media! Wake up, sheeple! Senator: You were fired from Radio Shack after you built a death ray and vaporized a customer? Hat Guy: I was just testing it! Figures that'd be the one day there was a shopper in the aisle. Senator: And you were thrown out of Microsoft headquarters for... trying to feed a squirrel through a fax machine? Hat Guy: I forgot about that! it was part of an argument with Steve Ballmer about Vista. Which I won, by the way. Senator: This is the worst history of vandalism, gleeful mayhem, and general recalcitrance we've seen in a nominee since Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Senator: And this--you stole a nuclear submarine? Hat Guy: I plead the third. Senator: You mean the fifth? Hat Guy: No, the third. Senator: You refuse to quarter troops in your house? Hat Guy: I have few principles, but I stick to them. Meanwhile... [[Aboard Ron Paul's blimp]] Pilot: We're nearing Washington, sir. Wait... There's something ahead on the sensors. Pilot: It's a balloon. Ron Paul: ...Oh, no. {{Title Text: He actually installed each piece in a different car on the lot, then built a new car in the spot from the displaced pieces. It's a confusing maneuver known as the auto-troll shuffle.}}

News Anchor: Breaking news--the President has made a nomination to the new post of Internet Secretary. We know little about the man, shown here. Image Caption: Possibly a haberdasher? News Anchor: Attempts to reach the nominee at home were unsuccessful. Reporter: What the hell kind of apartment has a moat? News Anchor: To understand the culture from which he came--and which he may soon administer--we sent a reporter to what we're told is the source of that culture. Tom? Tom: I'm coming to you live from the 4chan b board. Despite the tube cloggage, nascent memes are flying fast and furious. News Anchor: Why are you wearing a helmet, Tom? Tom: I'm not sure. [[Meanwhile in Ron Paul's blimp...]] Ron Paul: Ahoy! What news of the blogs? Pilot: Dr. Paul! The President's named his nominee! Ron Paul: It's not me? Ron Paul: Wait! I remember that guy from the campaign! He's a notorious troll! Ron Paul: They mustn't put him in charge. Quick, call the capitol! Pilot: Can't, sir. The tubes just went down completely. Ron Paul: Blast! Ron Paul: Then we'll go ourselves. Full speed ahead! {{The blimp advances minutely.}} {{The blimp advances minutely.}} {{The blimp advances minutely.}} Ron Paul: I said full speed! Pilot: It's a blimp, sir! {{Title text: That helmet won't save him.}}

Spring 2009- The new president faces a crisis... [[Man is talking to an unseen Mr. President, who is sitting behind a desk.]] Man: Mr. President, the bloggers are restless Mr. President: What are they a-twitter about now? Man: It's the tubes sir. They're clogged. We put too much stuff on them. Mr. President: How bad is it? Man: The internet could be inoperative within days. Man: We can't let a crucial resource go unshepherded. Mr. President: Go on. Man: I recommend you appoint a Secretary of the Internet. Someone to impose some orders on this mess. Mr. President: Ordering bloggers around? Doesn't sound easy. Man: No; it's like herding lolcats. Mr. President: What? Man: Nothing. Mr. President: Do you have someone in mind for the post? Man: I know just the guy. Soon: Phone: <<Ring>> [[Man-with-hat looks away from his computer at the ringing phone]] {{Alt-Text: The blueprints for the Department of the Internet offices call for Ceiling cat-themed sprinkler heads.}}

Person: I know you shouldn't feed the trolls, but sometimes they just provoke me to where I can't help replying. Hat Guy: Yeah, me too. Yesterday this guy kept spamming "First!" So I got a set of actuarial tables and spent twenty minutes telling him when all his childhood heroes would likely die. Person: ... Person: Remind me never to upset you, ever. Hat Guy: 2038: Last of the original Star Wars cast dies. Person: Augh! {{Title Text: I started to do the tables for more famous people but it got really depressing and morbid and I had to go outside. Hat guy wins again.}}

[[A first-person view of a family scrabble game at a table. The two letters on the board are 'HI' and the letters in your hand are 'CLTORIS']] This always happens to me in family scrabble games. {{title text: A veteran Scrabble player will spot the 'OSTRICH' option.}}

[[A person with a handheld device sits on an office chair]] (Every other panel is the device making a "beep beep") Device: On Twitter Device: An odd regression: Device: Ancient memes Device: Find new expression Device: Burma-shave {{title text: If long tooltips cut off for you then upgrade from Firefox 2 Burma Shave}}

Morning Routine: 1. Wake up 2. Catch up on the lives of friends from around the world 3. Get out from under the covers Laptops are weird. {{title text: I had a really hard time not writing '... profit!'}}

[[Man and woman are talking, and the man is walking away from the woman. Woman is holding a an open envelope]] Woman: I'm sorry. The google maps team hired me. Man: But I can't move to California Woman: Then I guess this is the end. Man: It can't be! ... Listen. [[Man is holding woman's hands in his]] Man: When I look deep into your eyes, I see a future for us. Woman: Look deeper. [[Man looks deeper into Woman's eyes.]] Man: "We're sorry, but we don't have imagery at this zoom level"? They... they have you already. {{Alt-Text: Listen, they request that you stop submitting a listing for your house labeled 'WHERE YOU BROKE MY HEART'.}}

Thinking of buying from audible.com or iTunes? Remember, if you pirate something, it's yours for life. You can take it anywhere and it will always work. [[There is a flowchart whose paths are (You're a Criminal)<-Pirate<-(Buy or Pirate)->Buy->(Things Change)->(You Try to Recover Your Collection)->(You're a Criminal)]] But if you buy DRM-locked media, and you ever switch operating systems or new technology comes along, your collection could be lost. And if you try to keep it, you'll be a criminal (DMCA 1201). So remember: if you want a collection you can count on, PIRATE IT. Hey, you'll be a criminal either way. (If you don't like this, demand DRM-free files) {{Title text: I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audiobook playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music that I ever paid for.}}

Title text: XKCD presents a guide to numerical sex positions: 69 [[traditional sixty-nine position, mutual oral sex]] 99 [[sort of a standing doggy-style position]] 71 [[girl is bent over a table]] 34 Guy: Uh. [[guy and girl look confusedly at each other]] 8^(1 2) Narrator: Guys? [[guy and girl are staring blankly at each other]] ln(2 pi) Narrator: Aww, c'mon... [[girl begins walking away]] {{title text: We didn't even get to the continued fractions!}}

[[Man and woman are in the same panel]] Woman: we need to talk. [[Pans back to a panel with a window, which the man looks back at]] [[Man throws grenade]] <<POW>> [[Grenade fizzles, man and woman both look down at it]] <<sssss>> Woman: [[puts her hand to her face]]<<cough>> [[Alarm above them starts beeping]][[Man and woman look up]] BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP-- [[Man and woman look down at the grenade again]] [[Man slowly walks away as the alarm continues to beep]] [[Man opens the window]] <<Rattle rattle>> [[Pans back to the full view, the alarm is still beeping and the man looks back at the woman, who is face-palming]] [[Woman walks away, man looks at window]] {{Alt-Text: 'The sad thing is that I just wanted to talk about your poor smoke-bomb techniques.'}}

Sizes Accurate on a vertical log scale [[Series of images of characters doing various things. Thei things they are doing are listed in left to right order]] Man and woman playing in a ball pen Woman using witchcraft to ban vista "Out, Vista!" Two girls play Rock Band Man and woman are having "fun" on a shaking bed. [[Below this series of images, an image of a man on the computer]]: Man is on computer and the image expands as it goes down. Here are the labels from left to right, up to down: CD DVD Case North Bridge Ps 2 Mouse (a physical mouse) RAM CPU Socket Pin 2,767 Angels Dancing (one more and they'd roll over and become 32,768 Devils), Rice, Torrent (a bug), CPU, upcoming segfault dust mite hair OVUM Data (a pixel on Rick Astley's shoulder), rust mite, fork(); Peter Norton fighting a baxteriophage memory carbon nanotubes space elevator a line of silicon (Si), Electron Cloud, a man made out of arrows saying "sup? Silicon nucleus IPod femto Brian Greene knitting furiously <<clank, clunk>> {{Alt Text: The Planck length is another thousand or two pixels below the comic.}}

[[On the left side of the panel, is a massive TV screen, large speakers, and similar devices, all connected to a "Game Station 20,000" console. A man, however, is over on the right side of the panel, on a modestly-sized computer.]] Man: Ooh, I think I've got it figured out! Okay, one more hour. <<Beep>> <<Plunk>> Caption: The most powerful gaming systems in the world still can't match the addictiveness of tiny in-browser Flash games. {{title text: Although ... who else can't wait for them to incorporate that Wiimote head-tracking stuff into games? Man, the future's gonna be *awesome*.}}

[[Line graph shown with an inverse curve]] [[Y-Axis: Probability book is good]] [[X-Axis: Number of words made up by author]] [[The curve becomes less steep as the number of words increase]] {{Quote at the bottom of the text}}"The Elders, or Fra'as, guarded the farmlings (children) with their krytoses, which are like swords but awesomer..." {{Fra'as, farmlings, krytoses and awesomer are italicised}} {{Alt-Text: Except for anything by Lewis Carroll and Tolkien, you get five made-up words per story. I'm looking at you, Anathem.}}

[[Map of the universe from observable universe to Earth. Each area of item is labled]] Lables [[Left to Right, Up to Down]]: [[Man in Hat is throwing a black kitty down]] Black Cat: mrowl! Top of Observable Universe 46 Billion Light Years Up Hubble Deep Field Objects -One Billion Light Years- Great Attractor Antanne Galaxies (Colliding) Andromeda Holy Crap Lots of Space - One Million Light Years- Magellanic Clouds Edge of Galaxy Galactic Center Crab Nebula Orion Nebula Horsehead Nebula Romulan Neutral Zone The PLEIADS, Duh. Rigel Bete (Geuse) Ford Prefect - Expanding Shell of Radio Transmissions [[Arrows are pointing up]] - Edge of Federation Sector 0-0-1 Pollux Arcturus Missing Winds Alpha Centauri Sirius Barnard's Star - One Parsec - - One Light Year - Oort Cloud (?) Bupkis Comet Which will destroy Earth in late 2063 Pioneer 10 Eris (All hail Discordia!) Voyager I Pluto (Not a planet. Neener neener.) Neptune Uranus Saturn Asteroids <~life~> Jupiter Venus Mars Sun Mercury Aircraft: Hey a heaping bowl of salt! "Open the fridge door, Hal." Moon Human Altitude Record (Apollo 13) 2nd Place: Snoop Dogg Space Elevator - One of these days, promise! - Geosynchronous Orbit- GPS Satellites Aircraft 2: I have no idea how to land Aircraft 2[[continued]]: In retrospect, they [[underlined]] shouldn't [[ underline]] have sent a poet International Space Station Space Junk - Official Edge of Space (100 km) - Meteors - 1 10 ATM - High Altitude Balloons Airliners - 1 2 ATM - Cory Doctrow Shuttle Columbia Lost Everest Helicoptors Man: Woo Python! - 800 m - - 1 km - [[Height progressivly gets smaller and smaller]] Burj Dubai (~800 m) Eiffel Tower (325 m) Kites Great Pyramid (140 m) Redwood (115 m) Pop Fly Oak (20 m) "Hey Squirrels!" Tallest Stilts Brachiosaur (13 m) Giraffe (8 m) [[A man and a woman]] Folks Map Title Text : The Observable Universe, from Top to Bottom ~ On a log scale~ Map Disclaimer: Sizes are not to scale, but heights above the Earth's surface are accurate on a log scale (that is, each step up is double the height.) {{Alt-text: Interestingly, on a true vertical log plot, I think the Eiffel Tower's sides would really be straight lines.}}

[[Man in Hat approaches a girl tying at a computer]] Man in Hat: What are you writing? Girl: Virus. Man in Hat: What's it do? Girl: When someone tries to post a YouTube comment, it first reads it aloud back to them. Narrator: Soon everywhere: [[A person is commenting on YouTube]] <<type>><<type>><<type>> [[Youtube comment is read back]] Commenter: ...I'm a moron. [[Commenter leaves desk]] [[Commenter is seen sitting on steps, depressed]] [[Commenter has head in hands]] Commenter: I... Commenter: I didn't know. {{alt text: Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.}}

[[User sitting at computer desk, surrounded by game boxes]] User: Sweet, beat 'Populous'. Now, on to 'Alpha Centauri'. Caption: Until I can afford 'Spore', I'm just playing through all my old games in order of scale. {{title text: Way to not support the GMA 950 under OS X, Spore. :(}}

[[Man standing in room next to round table, looking out window. Blue and orange sunset visible outside the window]] Narrator: I haven't lived a perfect life. Made plenty of mistakes. Got my share of regrets. [[Viewpoint zooms in onto man and table. Cell phone visible on table.]] Narrator: But there's one thing of which I'm proud. One stand on which I've never wavered. [[Viewpoint zooms in onto cell phone on table.]] Narrator: When someone calls my phone, it makes a goddamn RINGING sound. {{Alt Text: I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.}}

Man with Beret: I FOUND MEGAN'S STAPLE GUN! [[holds up staple gun]] Man: [[holding forehead]] OH NO. Man: [[outside of the panel]] OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU-- Man with Beret: [[kneeling at laptop, stapling DVD to laptop]] INSTALLING DEBIAN! <<KA CHUNK>> Man with Beret: SANDWICHES! <<ka CHUNK ka CHUNK>> Man with Beret: [[running with staple gun]] MUST AFFIX EVERYTHING TO EVERYTHING <<ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK>> [[Megan enters holding tote bag]] Megan: ...HAVE YOU BEEN ABUSING MY STAPLE GUN? Man with Beret: NO. God: [[outside of scene, as voice from above]] YES!

[[A typewriter is shown with the following letter in it: Dear Grandmom, cnn.com I hope this reddit.com letter finds you well. I wanted to say I really news.google.com enjoyed the trip you boingboing.net took us on, and am looking forward to bbc.co.uk visiting later fivethirtyeight.com this year. Love, slashdot.org Your grandson,]] I didn't realize how bad my habit of tabbing to Firefox every few seconds to check news sites had gotten until I tried writing on a typewriter. {{title text: Somewhere in the world, my actual grandmothers are reading this and angrily exclaiming that I never write even malformed thank-you notes. DEAR GRANDMOMS: I AM SORRY! YOU ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. LOVE reddit.com RANDALL.}}

[[Caption Above Comic]] Sometimes my conversations with strangers go on for a while before I realize that they're talking on their phones. Guy With Backpack: Hi! Narrator: Hi. Guy With Backpack: What's up? Narrator: Uh, not a lot... Guy With Backpack: Shit. Does Bernanke own a crossbow? [[Background is a graph, with x-axis labeled "Length of Conversation" and y-axis labeled "How Often This Happens". The graph looks parabolic towards the left-hand side, but as x approaches infinity, y approaches zero. A vertical dashed line runs through the graph, slightly to the right of the peak of the graph. To the right of the dashed line there is an arrow pointing to the right that is labeled "Awkward Zone". The x-axis has a broken scale, and to the right of the break there is a very small increase in the graph that is parenthetically labeled "My Second Relationship".]] {{title text: He continued, 'Okay, Bernanke is uncontaminated. Find a crossbow and get him into position behind one of the columns at the Fed entrance. This is gonna get ugly.'}}

[[Man is throwing boomerang Holding his hands up, man waits for return Continual waiting Man is dejected, head hangs low]] [[Man throws boomerang]] Man waits for boomerang]] Outside: Oh God Outside: The Ozone layer! [[Man is suprised]] [[Man throws boomerang banana Man waits]] Girl who walks in: That was our last banana Girl: You're such an asshole. [[Man throws boomerang Boomerang breaks out of the panel box]] [[Boomerang breaks out of a satellite, followed by the man]] {{Alt-Text: An eternity later, the universe having turned out to have a positive curvature and a lot of mass, the boomerang hits him in the back of the head}}

[[A bar]] Man: So, the LHC's turning on. This could be our last night on earth. Woman: Gimme a break. They're not even colliding yet, and it won't do anything cosmic rays haven't. [[The man starts to turn away.]] Woman: Hey, I didn't say no. Woman: I'm a physics grad student. I need the excuse to party. Man: So, you're up for a night with a charming stranger? Woman: Depends. Top or bottom? Man: Hey, I haven't even bought you a drink. Woman: Barkeep, two whiskey sours, straight down. {{Alt text: Supercollider? I 'ardly know her!}}

[[Man laying on sidewalk outside a house, surrounded by his belongings]] She threw me out yelling "You don't say those words, not in this house." It's been two years. I thought the wounds had healed. But I stand by what I said... Pluto should never have been a planet. {{Title-text : We actually divorced once over the airplane treadmill argument. (Preemptive response to the inevitable threads arguing about it: you're all wrong on the internet.) }}

{{All instances of the word "House" are in blue.}} Every day a new city, a new IHOP. And yet every night the dreams get worse. I ply the highways, a nervous eye on the rear-view mirror, the back seat piled with stolen menus. Their doors are opened 24 hours, but forever closed to my soul. This is what my life has become. This is my hell. {{sidenote left: International}} House of Pancakes {{scribbled-out sidenote right: BLOGSPOT}} Strawberry Banana Pancakes Four pancakes filled with sliced fresh banana and crowned with cool strawberry topping, more [17] bananas and [23] whipped topping. [17] Driven by a nameless fear, a whisper in the dark behind me, I flee ahead of I know not what. Whenver I turn, there's nobody behind me. And yet someone is clearly stealing the ketchup. WHY? [[The footnote is covered in fingerprints.]] [23] My life is feeding, fleeing, fighting, and forgetting. [[The above note is sandwiched in sideways in between the Stuffed French Toast and Ham and Egg Melt.]] Rooty Jr. A kids only [19] version of our house signature Rooty Tooty. One scrambled egg, one strip of bacon, one pork sausage link and one fruit-topped buttermilk pancake. [19] The decision not to hyphenate "kids only" is likely connected to the omission of the serial comma. I wonder if the author is British. I wonder if he sleeps at night. [[The following passages are have a red substance underneath them, probably ketchup.]] Rise 'N Shine Two eggs, toast and hash browns served with your choice [21] of two strips of bacon or two pork sausage links. [21] {{illegible}} rent a storage unit. Sleep there. Fill it with pancakes. Leave. Stuffed French Toast Cinnamon raisin French [18] toast stuffed with sweet cream cheese filling, topped with cool strawberry or your choice of fruit compote and whipped topping. [18] Nightmares again. I wake up covered in sweat, and what appears to be a thin sheen of maple syrup {{Handwritten, underlined}} WHO IS MOHAWK GIRL? [[Slanted 90 degrees left]] Ham & Egg Melt Grilled sourdough bread stuffed with ham, scrambled eggs, Swiss and American cheeses. [20] [[At normal orientation]] [20] Ordered this in at an IHOP in Rochester, New York. There was blood on the floor. Some of it was mine. [[Comic strip]] Enough with your pancakes. Enough with your GOD DAMN pancakes. The Big Steak Omlette Tender strips of steak, hash browns, {{redacted}} tomatoes and Cheddar cheese. Served [22] with house salsa. [22] Woke up in Las Vegas. They're closing the Star Trek Experience today. The IHOP up the strip had pancake platters named after various states. None of them sounded like home. {{Alt text: Fuck it, I'm just going to Waffle House.}} {{External link: http: www.amazon.com House-Leaves-Mark-Z-Danielewski dp 0375703764}}

[[Two guys stand together as a young guy dressed up with small ears and a tail approaches.]] First Man: OH GOD, A FURRY. DON'T LET IT TOUCH YOU. [[The Furry hears someone call out to him]] Unknown: HEY, KID. [[A young woman is seen preparing a kite to be flown.]] Woman: FORGET THOSE ASSHOLES. COME HELP ME. [[The Furry begins to help the woman set up the kite.]] Furry: THANKS, SO YOU'RE COOL WITH FURRIES? Woman: WELL, I THINK YOUR FETISH IS AS WEIRD AS HELL. IT JUST BOTHERS ME HOW YOU'RE THIS DESIGNATED INTERNET PUNCHING BAG AMONG PEOPLE WHO ARE OTHERWISE DOWN WITH WEIRD FETISHES. SO I STICK UP FOR YOU WHEN I CAN. [[The kite now successfully up in the air, the two continue.]] Furry: WELL, THANKS. I OWE YOU ONE. Woman: NO BIG DEAL. Furry: NO, THIS IS LIKE THE LION AND THE MOUSE. Woman: ...LISTEN, CAN WE PICK A COMPARISON LESS LIKELY TO TURN YOU ON? Furry: SORRY. {{title text: Hey, are you friends with any hamsters. This kite needs a passenger.}}

[[Man with with two picket signs. Another woman with a picket sign stands partially out of the frame, staring at the man.]] Narrator: I get in trouble for showing up contented at protests. Sign 1: Things are pretty okay! Sign 2: Anyone up for scrabble later? {{Title text: I THINK EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE IS CUTE}}

Harrison Ford Famously Improvised His "I know" Line in E.S.B. (The Empire Strikes Back). Here are a few of his less-successful ad-libs: [[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]] Leia: I Love You. Han: Well, Duh [[Han Solo in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon]] C-3P0: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3720 to 1! Han: Seriously? ...Christ [[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]] Leia: I Love You. Han: Oh! Hey, that explains the kissing earlier. [[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]] Leia: I Love You. Han: I'm Nailing Your Brother. [[Han Solo standing in front of Luke Skywalker, who is holding the blast shield helmet. The training droid hovers between them]] Han: Hokey Religions and ancient weapons are no match for scissors, though they do beat paper and rock. [[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]] Leia: I Love You. Han: Cool. Listen, this thing is really, REALLY cold. [[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]] Leia: I Love You. Han: Wowzers. [[Han Solo sits with two others. General Madine approaches.]] Madine: General Solo, is your strike team assembled? Han: Barely. Han: They're pretty drunk. [[Han Solo and Princess Leia stand in an Ice Tunnel of Hoth]] Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a wookie. Han: Man, me too, but chewie never seems interested. Han: Maybe I should Grow My hair out. {{title text: Oh, your brother is Luke. Sorry, should've mentioned that first.}}

Author Katherine Gates recently attempted to make a chart of all sexual fetishes. Little did she know that Russel and Whitehead had already failed at this same task. [[Russel and Whitehead are standing with Gödel, Russel holding a clipboard and smoking a pipe.]] Russel: Hey, Gödel — we're compiling a comprehensive list of fetishes. What turns you on? Gödel: Anything not on your list. Russel: Uh…hm. {{title text: They eventually resolved this self-reference, but Cantor's 'everything-in-the-fetish-book-twice' parties finally sunk the idea.}}

[[There is a table with eight columns and eight rows. Cups to the horizontal girls to the vertical.]] {{Title: Google results for <x> cups <y> girls}} (Note: the values will be displayed left to right and top to bottom.) 0 girls: 3, 375, 9, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0 1 girl: 7, 7503, 2007, 10, 5, 3, 6, 2 2 girls: 9, 1929000, 247, 7, 14, 13, 2, 1 3 girls: 7, 6335, 394, 34, 3, 2, 6, 0 4 girls: 3, 3513, 34, 0, 63, 0, 0, 0 5 girls: 1, 9, 5, 3, 0, 0, 3, 0 6 girls: 3, 1461, 1, 1, 1, 0, 0, 0 7 girls: 2, 19, 4, 2, 0, 0, 0, 0 {{Alt-text: Also no results: 1girl10000cups, 2girls(5+3i)cups, 65536girls35563cups, or 3frenchhens2turtledoves1cup.}}

There are few forces more powerful than geeks desperately trying to get internet in a new apartment. Character 1: Okay, the pringles cantenna has let us patch into the WiFi network across the road. Character 2: And they have internet? Character 1: No, but I think the cable van will hook up their house first. {{title text: We need a special holiday to honor the countless kind souls with unsecured networks named 'linksys'}}

[[Reporter and a Scientist are facing each other, sitting in chairs.]] Reporter: So, Quantum Teleportation- Scientist: The name is misleading. It's a particle statistics thing. Reporter: So it's not like Star Trek? That's boring. Scientist: Okay, I'm sick of this. Every time there's a paper on Quantum Teleportation, you reporters write the same disappointed story. [[Scientist leaves seat and moves behind it]] Reporter: But- [[Scientist has gone to device that was behind him and was out of the scope of the three previous panels.]] Scientist: Talk to someone else. I'm going to the Bahamas. <<Click>> [[The Scientist switches a device on.]] [[Device labeled "TELEPORTER" is switched from "Quantum" to "Regular".]] <<VRMMM>> {{The scientist is beamed up in classic Star Trek fashion}} {{alt-text: Science should be exactly as cool as the headlines sound. Like the "RUSSIANS CUT APART AND REASSEMBLE DOGS" thing}}

[[Girl walks up to boy pouring himself a drink]] Girl: Now, this is a story all about how Girl: My life got flipped turned upside down Girl: And I'd like to take a minute Girl: Just sit right there Girl: I'll tell you how I became uncertain about our relationship. I think you just like having a girlfriend, it doesn't matter who. Girl: I think we should break up. [[Cut to dropped glass, drink spilled on ground]] Narrator: The reverse Bel-Air only works once, so make it something unforgettable. Boy: ...wait, seriously? Girl: Yeah. {{Alt-text: This is a story all about how I started drinking.}}

[[First Man sitting at computer reading an article]] Article: Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) has blamed ohio voting machine errors on problems with the machines' McAfee antivirus software. First Man: Wait. "Antivirus software"? On voting machines? {{italics}} You're doing it wrong. [[Second Man enters the frame and speaks to First Man]] Second Man: Why? Security is good, right? First Man: Of course. But, well- First Man: Imagine you're at a parent-teacher conference, and the teacher reassures you that he always wears a condom while teaching. Second Man: Ah. Strictly speaking, it's better than the alternative. First Man: -Yet someone is clearly doing their job horribly wrong. {{Alt Text: And that's *another* crypto conference I've been kicked out of. C'mon, it's a great analogy!}}

[[A man is shown sitting behind a desk with a Computer]] Narrator: Freemanic Paracusia, A disorder wherein you hear everything you read in the comforting voice of Morgan Freeman. [[There is a thought bubble of the man's thoughts, within it is Morgan Freeman reading text]] Morgan Freeman: Why, you could enlarge your penis for cheap. My, my. Isn't that something? {{title text: It's amazing what it does for YouTube comments.}}

Narrator: MY ROAD TRIP WITH MY BROTHER RAN INTO TROUBLE AROUND PAGE THREE OF THE GOOGLE MAPS PRINTOUT Google Maps Printout: <- 70. SLIGHT LEFT AT RT-22 -- GO 6.8 MI -> 71. TURN RIGHT TO STAY ON RT-22 -- GO 2.6 MI <- 72. TURN LEFT AT LAKE SHORE RD GO -- 312 FT -> 73. TURN RIGHT AT DOCK ST -- GO 427 FT [[water replaces an arrow]] 74. TAKE THE FERRY ACROSS THE LAKE -- GO 2.8 MI [[A car is driving in the dark]] Person 1: OKAY, NOW TAKE DOCK ST TOWARD THE FERRY Person 2: WE'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE A FERRY? IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND THESE WOODS ARE CREEPY Person 1: GOOGLE MAPS WOULDN'T STEER US WRONG. [[Person 1 and Person 2 stand outside the car. The ferry has a sign on it reading CLOSED. [[Person 1 stands holding the google map print out next to Person 2 in the dark]] [[Still standing in the dark]] Person 1: LET ME SEE THOSE DIRECTIONS. Google Maps Printout: [[water replaces an arrow]] 74. TAKE THE FERRY ACROSS THE LAKE -- GO 2.8 MI [[a diagonal upward arrow]] 75. CLIMB THE HILL TOWARD HANGMAN'S RIDGE, AVOIDING ANY MOUNTAIN LIONS -- UP 1,172 FT [[a "u-turn" arrow]] 76. WHEN YOU REACH AN OLD BARN, GO AROUND BACK, KNOCK ON THE SECOND DOOR, AND ASK FOR CHARLIE -- GO 52 FT [[a van]] 77. TELL CHARLIE THE DANCING STONES ARE RESTLESS. HE WILL GIVE YOU HIS VAN. -- CAREFUL [[a picture of the straw man]] 78. TAKE CHARLIE'S VAN DOWN OLD MINE ROAD. DO NOT WAKE THE STRAW MAN. -- GO 97 MI -> 79. TURN LEFT ON COMSTOCK. WHEN YOU FEEL THE BLOOD CHILL IN YOUR VEINS, STOP THE VAN AND GET OUT. -- GO 3.2 MI [[down arrow]] 80. STAND VERY STILL. EXITS ARE NORTH, SOUTH, AND EAST, BUT ARE BLOCKED BY A SPECTRAL WOLF. -- GO 0 FT [[a picture of a spectral wolf]] 81. THE SPECTRAL WOLF FEARS ONLY FIRE. THE GOOGLE MAPS TEAM CAN NO LONGER HELP YOU, BUT IF YOU MASTER THE WOLF, HE WILL GUIDE YOU. GODSPEED. -- GO ?? MI. {{Alt Text: Apparently Google assumes you're traveling during the ferry's normal operating hours. We lost two hours circling that damn lake (to say nothing of the Straw Man).}}

[[A man and a woman in a museum, near a reconstructed dinosaur fossil.]] Woman: Man, paleontology sucks these days. Man: Why? Woman: Jurassic Park came out 15 years ago. Man: So? Woman: Today's grad students got into dinosaurs after seeing it as kids. They don't care about fossils. Brats. [[A woman in a hat exploring a barren landscape.]] Woman: Before they had living dinosaurs handed to them by Hollywood, I was out in Texas digging up Arcocanthosaur teeth. Man: So, you were into dinosaurs when they were still underground? Woman: Exactly! {{title text: Dinosaurs totally jumped the ichthyosaur when they got rid of Brontosaurus.}}

Pope: this is a disaster. out-of-frame voice: is it really that bad? Pope: do you know how much scripture we'll have to revise? out-of-frame voice: look, we've apologized-- Pope: i mean, we can't have a trinity with just a father and a son! out-of-frame voice: again, we're sorry. Pope: sorry's not enough. guards, take their proton packs. Ghostbusters: hey, we were just doing our jobs! {{title-text: okay, everyone, cross yourselves, then cross the streams.}}

[[Bar Graph]] Number of google results for: "I _____ have kissed her" (or him) Shouldn't: 1,213 Should: 10,230 {{title text: And nothing for 'I'm glad I saw Epic Movie.'}}

[[Bra with rubik's cube closure.]] {{title text: 'Don't worry, I can do it in under a minute.' 'Yes, I've noticed.'}}

Linux: A True Story: [[A man talks on a cell phone]] Week One: Female cousin [[via phone]]: Hey, it's your cousin. I got a new computer but don't want Windows. Can you help me install "Linux"? Man: Sure. [[The female cousin sits in an office chair with her laptop on her lap. She is on the phone]] Week Two: Female cousin: It says my XORG is broken. What's an "XORG"? Where can I look that up? Man [[via phone]]: Hmm, lemme show you man pages. [[The female cousin crouches on the floor with the laptop on her lap. She is still on the phone]] Week Six: Female cousin: Due to auto-config issues, I'm leaving Ubuntu for Debian. Man [[via phone]] Uh. Female cousin: Or Gentoo. Man [[via phone]]: Uh oh. [[The female cousin lies on her stomach with the laptop on the floor. On the floor are several pieces of paper and a book. The man stands to her left]] Week Twelve: Man: You haven't answered your phone in days. Female cousin: Can't sleep. Must compile kernel. Man: I'm too late. [[Box with text:]] Parents: talk to your kids about Linux... Before somebody else does. {{title text: This really is a true story, and she doesn't know I put it in my comic because her wifi hasn't worked for weeks.}}

[[The Black Hat Man is Walking]] [[The Black Hat Man stops in front of another Man with two Black Hats.]] [[After two panels, The Original Black Hat Man steps backward, shuddering slightly.]] {{Title Text: ...}}

{{Title: Rewiring}} {{Heading: Upgrading phone wiring to Ethernet}} [[A man is feeding cable into a device on a desk labeled "fax"]] <<Fax: zzz zzz>> [[Outdoors, showing a plant and a lamp (indicates panels 1 and 3 are separate locations)]] [[A woman, laptop behind her, is pulling a cable out of a fax machine]] <<Fax: zzzzz>> {{Alt text: My friend Elizabeth tried to mail one end of the cable to me and thread the mail system.}}

[[An unlabeled map shows the region roughly between central Canada and northern Brazil. Dotted lines indicating hurricane paths cover the map, all red except where noted. Hurricane Illinois-Has-It-Too-Easy comes from somewhere to the northwest, goes through Illinois, and then back to the northwest. Hurricane Where-the-Hell-Is-Bermuda enters from the east side of the map, wanders around the Atlantic in a scribble, goes north for a while, and then peters out. Hurricane Screw-It-Let's-Just-Trash-Florida-Again comes from the east, starts to curve to the north, and then turns sharply to head straight for Florida and zigzag through it. Hurricane Freud starts in the Gulf of Mexico, draws a set of balls to Florida's cock, and then comes on land and stops. Hurricane Red and Hurricane Blue (which is a blue line) are playing a game of Tron, zipping in straight lines and right angles around Haiti, Jamaica, and Cuba. Red successfully cuts off Blue and then dies shortly thereafter. Hurricane cos(x) forms a graph of cos(x) along the bottom edge of the map.]] {{Title text: I'd like to see more damage assessments for hurricanes hitting New York and flooding Manhattan -- something like the 1938 Long Island Express, but aimed a bit more to the west. It's just a matter of time.}}

[[Two figures, one in a beret, are rappelling down separate ropes into the interior workings of a large machine]] Man 1: Okay, we're in the belly of the machine. You got the charges? Man 2 (with beret): The what? [[The two are standing next to some large pieces of machinery]] Man 1 [[gesturing]: The explosive charges! Man 2 [[pulling out a bag]]: I just brought this bag for pastries. Man 1: The hell? We're on a mission here! Man 2 [[looking around]]: This isn't a bakery? Man 1 [[head in hand]]: Oh, Christ, not this shit again. Man 2 [[crouching by some lug nuts lying on a piece of machinery]]: What about these scones? Man 1: Those are lug nuts. Man 2 [[stuffing them in his mouth]]: ...Maybe SOME of them aren't. <<crunch>> Ow! <<crunch>> {{Title text: Don't you know? The chances of a random object being a scone are about one in six.}}

My Hobby: Sitting down with grad students and timing how long it takes them to figure out that I'm not actually an expert in their field. Engineering: Students: Our big problem is heat dissipation Me: Have you tried logarithms? 48 seconds Linguistics: Me: Ah, so does this Finno-ugric family include, say, Klingon? 63 Seconds Sociology: Me: Yeah, my latest work is on ranking people from best to worst. 4 Minutes Literary Criticism: Me: You see, the deconstruction is inextricable from not only the text, but also the self. Eight papers and two books and they haven't caught on. {{Alt title text: If you think this is too hard on literary criticism, read the Wikipedia article on deconstruction.}}

[[The narrator stands on a beach at night, staring out across the moonlit ocean]] Narrator: THE SEA ALWAYS MAKES ME REALIZE Narrator: HOW SMALL I REALLY AM. Narrator: I SHOULD GET ONE OF THOSE PUMPS. {{Tooltip: And then a second one, to drain the ocean.}}

girl: I wonder about us. boy: I love you. girl: We don't have fun together. boy: I love you. girl: it's like we're clinging to the "relationship" framework like it's all we got. boy: I love you girl: who are you trying to reassur- boy: I love you I love you I love you I love you {{Alt: 'I'm nothing without you' is a fucked up sentiment.}}

[[A drowsy man walks over to another man on a computer]] Man 1: *Yawn* Good morning from Taipei. Man 2: You're drifting west. You were in Honolulu just yesterday. Narrator: Our sleep schedules are so messed up that's it's easiest to just refer where are internal clocks seem to be. {{title text: As my standard, I use going to sleep at midnight and waking up at 8 AM.}}

[[Two Boys standing somewhere]] Boy1: I wish I could do math like when i was young. Boy2: Huh? Boy1: It doesn't come easy like it once did. Boy2: Uh huh. Boy1: Math is a game for the young. I need to sit back and let the future happen. Boy2: You're thirteen. Boy1: Yes, and it's time I accept that. {{Title Text: They say if a mathematician doesn't do their great work by age eleven, they never will. }}

[[A fictional screen capture of the Wikipedia article for "wood" is shown]] Wood is a hard, fibrous tissue found in many plants. It has been used for centuries for both fuel and as a construction material for [[cut in page]] In popular culture: In episode 6 of Firefly, "Our Mrs. Reynolds," Jayne is given a wooden rain stick by a villager In the Buffyverse, Buffy often slays Vampires using stakes made of wood. The wand used by Harry Potter is made of wood from a holly tree. The fence around the back yard of the house in The Simpsons is wooden. In the 2004 TV series Battlestar Galactica [[rest of page is cut]] {{Title Text: Someday the 'in popular culture' section will have its own article with an 'in popular culture' section. It will reference this title-text referencing it, and the blogosphere will implode.}}

[[Man Throws a Boomerang]] [[Man gets hit in the face with the Boomerang]] [[Man Throws a Boomerang again]] [[Man is seen running away from 6 returning boomerangs]] [[Man Throws Boomerang]] [[Man barely avoids floating shark, trying to bite him]] [[Man Throws Boomerang]] [[Man is confronted by his presumed girlfriend]] Girl: I'm Leaving You. {{Title Text: Bonus strip: just read the rightmost panels straight down. }}

[[Outside of a building with a door marked No Entry and a guard standing outside, Character 1 and Macgyver are hiding]] Character 1: Any ideas? Macgyver: I can use the trigger mechanism of this gun to ignite a small explosive charge, propelling a metal slug into the guard's head. {{Alt text: At the time of this writing, Wikipedia has a wonderful article titled 'List of problems solved by Macgyver'}}

Virginia Creeper: Vines useful as impromptu rope Poison Ivy: Grows in same habitat as Virginia Creeper Girlfriend: Into light bondage Area around campsite: Too dark to see Relationship after camping trip: Strained {{title text: Friggin' modern tents don't have a single piece of rope.}}

{{The comic is in parody of the Discovery Channel commercial showing various clips of people singing a song with the chorus line "Boom De Yada"}} {{The comic is divided into a grid of 4 by 6 panels, each depicting a character or situation from a previous XKCD strip}} {{In each panel is written a part of a song similar to the song from the Discovery Channel commercial}} Panel 1: (Reference Comic 162) [[woman spinning around]] I love momentum. Panel 2: (Reference Comic 413) [[woman laying on floor tinkering with EEE PC hamster ball robot]] I love to engineer. Panel 3: (Reference Comic 452) [[man with beret standing in bakery holding a loaf of bread in each hand, sign with "PIE!" in background]] I love this bakery! Panel 4: (Reference Comic 239) [[man with goggles and red cape (Cory Doctorow) flying superman-style]] I love the blogosphere! Panel 5: (Reference Comic 152) [[man running in large hamster ball]] I love the whole world Panel 6: [[depiction of internet sludge (4chan b -Random)]] And all its messed-up folks. Panel 7: (Reference Comic 150) [[man and woman immersed in playpen balls]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada Panel 8: [[mass of playpen balls with speech "I put on my robe and wizard hat" originating from it]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada Panel 9: (Reference Comic 72) [[black hat man taking gift away from kid with party hat]] I love your suffering. Panel 10: (Reference Comic 153) [[diagram showing RSA fingerprint authentication between two people]] I love cryptography. Panel 11: (Reference Comic 230) [[man and woman in bed covered by red sheet]] I love entangled sheets. Panel 12: (Blag) [[man hanging from kite string holding camera]] And kite photography. Panel 13: (Reference Comic 256) [[map of the internet]] I love the whole world Panel 14: (Reference Comic 8) [[cube with red spider on top]] And all its mysteries. Panel 15: (Reference Comic 303) [[two people sword-fighting on rolling office chairs]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada Panel 16: (Reference Comic 263) [[class room with two students and female teacher]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada Panel 17: [[man saying "Barack me Obamadeus!" to another man speaking energetically at a podium]] I love elections. Panel 18: [[man holding schematic diagram depiction of transistor in front of his crotch]] I love transistors. Panel 19: (Reference Comic 69) [[man and woman in bed, man saying "There must be taft slash fiction"]] I love weird pillow talk. Panel 20: (Reference Comic 49, 279, 317) [[man speaking to woman]] I love your sister. Panel 21: (Reference Comic 249) [[roller coaster with person in front car holding chess board and thinking about a move]] I love the whole world. Panel 22: (Reference Comic 167) [[man with beret standing in the midst of leafless trees]] The future's pretty cool! Panel 23: (Reference Comic 108) [[woman moving toward man by means of MC Hammer slide]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada Panel 24: (Reference Comic 409) [[man and woman moving on electric skateboard]] Boom De Yada Boom De Yada {{Alt text: I love the title-text!}}

It doesn't seem right that we're old enough to have kids. Girl: Sweet! We made a baby! Boy: Are we sure we did it right? Boy: We should disassemble it, check all the parts, and put it back together. {{alt-text: I bet my future kids will read this someday. DEAR FUTURE KIDS: how did you get internet in the cellar?}}

[[Man in black hat is driving and and the woman who seems to be his equal is in the passenger's seat. They are closely followed by some other vehicle.]] Man in black hat: That guy's tailgating me. Woman: I'll take a look. Woman: His laptop's running, probably in the back seat. And... yup, the WiFi autoconnects. Woman: Now we just scan for remote exploits... install speech synth... Woman: and take a shot in the psychological dark. Laptop: Hello. Tailgating man: What? Who's there? Laptop: She'd be alive if it weren't for you. Tailgating man: ... Oh God. {{Title: Okay, now just as the loss hits him, slam on the brakes.}}

[[My Problem: Thinking Ahead]] Man: She's cute. Woman: This food is problematic. Man: Oh man, she's quoting Firefly. Man: It's the perfect opening. But wait. I'm moving in the fall. If we hit it off, how will I deal with that? Man: I don't want to ask her to derail her plans. And with things unresolved with Megan, can I really commit enough to make that kind of decision? Man: Oh God. Man: Gotta get out. Man: The window. <<CRASH>> {{Alt text: Did he just go crazy and jump out the window?}}

[[Stick figure 1 is typing profanities into his computer]] [[Stick figure 2 is typing profanities into his computer]] [[A floating girl comes behind stick figure 1]] [[The girl lifts stick figure 1]] [[They are flying over mountains]] [[The girl and stick figure 1 are floating in front of stick figure 2 and his computer]] [[She sets stick figure 1 down in front of stick figure 2 and his computer]] [[The girl lifts stick figure 1 again]] [[They are flying]] [[The girl sets stick figure 1 down in his chair at his computer]] [[Stick figure 1 is typing at his computer]] [[Stick figure 2 is typing at his computer]] {{title text: It's easier to be an asshole to words than to people.}}

My Hobby: Renting an SUV and confusing the hell out of hybrid owners [[A man is pumping gas into a Prius at a gas station. The prices can be seen in the background, and read:]] $4.08 M: $4.38 P: $4.51 D: $4.85 [[Another man drives up alongside in an SUV and leans out the window]] SUV Driver: Check out those prices! Your Prius ain't looking so smart now, huh? Prius Driver: It's ... wait, what? SUV Driver: Maybe you'll go green next time, asshole! {{ Title text: Electric skateboards, by cost, get the equivalent of about 300 miles per gallon. Lithium batteries just need to get cheaper. }}

[[Two people standing]] Person 1: Then she put her hands over mine, grinds against me, leans down and whispers, "After tonight, we go and live our lives, no regrets. But I want this, I want you, one last time." Person 2:{{Giving a thumbs up, pointing, surrounded by action lines}}That's what SHE said! [[Both continue to stand]] Person 1: Yes. Yes, it is. [[Both continue to stand]] {{Alt text: I was there, dude.}}

[[Texts reads 'Fields arranged by purity'. An arrow is shown pointing right with the text 'more pure'. Six people are shown representing six scientific fields. They stand on a scale of purity with the left end representing less purity and the right representing more purity. They appear in this order, from left to right: Sociology, Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics. The mathematician stands much further to the right than any other field.]] Psychologist: Sociology is just applied Psychology. Biologist: Psychology is just applied Biology. Chemist: Biology is just applied Chemistry Physicist: Which is just applied Physics. It's nice to be on top. Mathematician: Oh, hey, I didn't see you guys all the way over there. {{Alt-text: On the other hand, physicists like to say physics is to math as sex is to masturbation.}}

[[Standing outside the Airport. There is a sign saying "Airport" and a plane in the background.]] Girl: Okay, what airline? Guy: I'm following you. Girl: ...I'm following *you*. Guy: I assumed we were walking to the bakery. Girl: You always assume that! [[Presumably the security checkpoint]] Security Guy: Lockpicks? These are... illegal, actually. Where did you get them? Guy: Oh man, it all started with this hacker girl. Security Guy: You need to come with - Guy: Sure, sure. But man, let me tell you about her! [[On a plane]] Announcement: If your device has a "Transmit" function, please disable it. Guy: Okay - hang on, I'm half way through the iwconfig man page. [[Security checkpoint]] Security guy: Sir, is this container under three ounces? Guy with hat: Not sure, how much blood is there in a churchmouse? Security guy: Why don't you just go. {{Alt text: Under three ounces, but it stains panties.}}

Guy with hat: <<park>> Guy with hat: <<knock knock>> Guy with hat: hi Train girl: hi Guy with hat: I give up. you win. I have to know who you are. Guy with hat: We understand each other. I can't let that slip away. Train girl: <<beep>> <<BOOM>> Guy with hat: What was that?! Train girl: Remote mines under your car. Guy with hat: Oh, those? I moved them to your garage before knocking. Train girl: Touché Guy with hat: ...This relationship is going to be tricky. Train girl: There's still time to leave and find a non-crazy girl. Guy with hat: Not even slightly interested. {{Alt text: 'Pick you up at eight?' 'Nine. I've got to re-mine the driveway.'}}

[[The man with the hat sits slumped over on a bench, holding his hat]] Man with hat: Sigh {{alt text: Man, this emo shit was supposed to be for people who didn't have hats.}}

[[In a delivery room]] Doctor: There's the head... he's looking at me... Wait, he's crawling back into the womb. Mother: What?! Doctor: Yeah, it's the darnedest thing. Mother: Um, what does it mean? Doctor: My guess? Six more weeks of winter. {{title text: Ma'am, I admit that wasn't in the best taste, but you have to admire my delivery! Ha ha, get it? Oh God, don't throw those syringes! Your baby's fine!}}

[[In background, a vivid dream scene is apparent, including mountains, a zeppelin, a city with a mushroom cloud, and some people interacting]] Inset: Man awakens, very surprised [[Dream's edges are fading, mountains, city and zeppelin less clear]]Inset: Man is seen running down stairs. [[Zeppelin, city, and mountains are very hazy and unclear. The people can still be seen]] Inset: Man gets attention of girl sitting at breakfast table [[Dream has completely faded, the outlines of maybe one person can still be seen]] Inset: Man looks confused {{Title Text: There was something about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill ...}}

[[A man sits hugging his knees.]] Man: If only there were some way we could be together. ((He fades into a thought bubble containing the next four panels.)) [[A man and woman are in a bed together. The man is rubbing the woman's shoulders.]] Woman: We're so lucky to have each other. How did it happen, anyway? Man: I, uh... I don't remember. Woman: No, really, how did we get together? It's hard to imagine it happening. Man: It does strain the bounds of fantasy... Woman: ... Fantasy? That's it! Woman: My God, it's the only explanation: We're objects in some transient fantasy. We'll be gone when it ends! Man: We'll lose each other. Woman: Oh God. [[They leap from the bed. The woman has a flaming torch.]] Woman: Well, I'm not going out quietly. I'm burning this fucking world. Man: Burn the world! Woman: Fire! Fire! Cleanse this hellish place -- ((The thought ends.)) [[The man is puzzled. What happened?]] {{Title text: I guess if she accepted irrational realities, she'd hardly be my fantasy.}}

Man: Just look at those stars. Man: My father once told me that the great bloggers of the past are up there, watching over us. Man: High above the blogosphere, a gap opens in the tag clouds. Cory Doctorow's voice booms forth... Woman: You need to get out either more or less. I can't decide. {{title text: I always figured the word 'blog' would sound *less* silly as the years went by.}}

[[A couple, flying in a hot air balloon]] Man: I like you. I'm just not feeling the relationship. [[Floating further in distance]] Man: I'm sorry. [[Close up of basket]] Man: It's just bad timing. Me with my classes, you with your work, the spiders... Woman: The what? [[Red Spiders crowding onto balloon, causing it to fall]] {{title text: Protip: Even without the red spiders, never have that conversation halfway through a balloon ride.}}

Date (example): 2005-05-26 That date's (or most recent) DOW opening: 10458.68 [[Concatenate, with a hyphen: 2005-05-26-10458.68]] md5: db9318c2259923d08b672cb305440f97 [[Split it up into two pieces:]] 0.db9318c2259923d0, 0.8b672cb305440f97 To decimal: 0.857713..., 0.544544... Your location (example): 37.421542, -122.085589 [[Combine integer part of location with fractional part of hash:]] Destination Coordinates: 37.857713, -122.544544 Sample Implementation: http: xkcd.com geohashing {{title text: Saturday is game night.}}

Person 1: "The ones you love will never let you down" Person 2: "Your self-confidence is well placed." Person 3: "Seek nonviolence in everything you do." Instead of "In bed", I've found that fortune cookies are often more improved by appending "EXCEPT in bed." {{Alt-text: "You will have hot, steamy, sweaty sex... IN BED!"}}

[[Man sitting at computer]]I'll just comment out these lines... MD_update(&m, buf, j); do_not_crash(); prevent_911(); In the rush to clean up the debian-openssl fiasco, a number of other major security holes have been uncovered: Fedora Core: Vulnerable to certain decoder rings Xandros (EEE PC): Gives root access if asked in a stern voice Gentoo: Vulnerable to flattery OLPC OS: Vulnerable to Jeff Goldblum's Powerbook Slackware: Gives root access if user says Elvish word for "friend" Ubuntu: Turns out distro is actually just Windows Vista with a few custom Themes. {{title text: True story: I had to try several times to upload this comic because my ssh key was blacklisted.}}

[[Mario and Luigi in go carts, Luigi in the lead]] Mario: Sometimes I stop right before the finish line. Luigi: Why? [[Cut to boy and girl playing the video game]] Girl: 'Cause I know I've won. Girl: It proves I'm playing for fun, on my own terms. That I don't need validation from the machine. Girl: That I'm not a rat pulling a lever. Boy: ...Man. Good Call. Let's stop and explore the course for a - <<Player Two wins>> Boy: Hey! Girl: Ha ha! Boy: Dammit, I'm a sucker for your "Be a Rebel" speech. Girl: It's more fun than a blue shell. {{Alt text: The question with Lucy and the football was always whether, on some level, she believed the things she said.}}

[[A boy wearing a bow tie stands holding hands with a girl wearing a dress. On the left, there is a sign pointing left, which reads "PROM"; on the right, there is a sign pointing right, which reads "LAN PARTY IN FORMAL ATTIRE".]] {{Alt text: "It's *almost* enough to make me want to redo high school."}}

[[A person stands holding a flaming tennis racket. He is throwing a potato in the air as if to serve like a tennis ball. Behind him is a red gas can and a sack of potatoes. Across from him is a another person holding a fork in one hand and balancing a serving tray with a glass of orange juice on it.]] {{Alt: There are at least fourteen ways this could go badly (seventeen if that fork is a dangerous crossbreed.)}}

[[Dark scene shown, with man and girl sitting in the moonlight let in by the only window.]] Megan and I first met at a party at her sister's. We hit it off, opened up, shared secrets, and talked about everything. Around us, the party waned, but we hid from sleep together, talking through the deepest hours of the night. The dawn found us curled up on a couch, asleep but still together. That experience, connecting with a stranger and falling recklessly in love is one of life's greatest joys. And now that you're married, you'll never experience it again. It's the price you pay for everlasting love. It's a small one, but I hope it stings a little. Anyway, I wish you and Megan the best. ...Hey, man, you ASKED me to do a toast. {{title text: Oh, huh, so you didn't know that story?]]

[[Presenter with pointer stick]] Presenter: A spoon crossed with a fork is a spork. Off-panel presenter's voice: Our lab has successfully crossed a spork with a spoon. [[Diagram showing the fractions of fork and spoon in each item.]] [Chart showing possible combinations of spoons a forks.] [[Presenter in front of audience]] Presenter: With your funding, we could create hybrids in proportions corresponding to any binary fraction. [[Fork-Spoon Spectrum]] Audience member: You're toying with powerful forces here. Presenter: We know what we're doing. Panel Title: Two weeks later: [[Picture of a destroyed lab with two dead bodies, blood everywhere and a spoon-fork hybrid hopping away.]] {{title text: Their biggest mistake was bringing Rachel Ray and Emeril to tour the lab and sign off on the project. That's when Spielberg caught wind of it.}}

[[Hand-drawn Graph is shown, on the Y axis, My Overall Health, on the X axis, Time. Graph is generally steady through 3 4 of the X axis, where is begins a steady decline, with a label "The Day I Realized I Could Cook Bacon Whenever I Wanted."]] {{Title Text: Although maybe it's just a phase, like freshman year of college when I realized I could just buy frosting in a can.}}

[[A man standing, with a dotted line perpendicular to him and a 30 degree angle going downwards]] Narrator: From a young age, gravity pulled him wrong. [[The same man bouncing around his house]] Narrator: Sometimes east, sometimes west. When he was restrained, it grew erratic. <WHAM> <WHAM> [[Man bouncing rolling on the ground]] Narrator: So he fell. Man: AAAA <THUMPA> <THUMPA> [[Man bouncing rolling on the ground in a desert]] Narrator: Constantly Man: AAAAAAAAA [[Man bouncing rolling off a rock on the ground in a desert]] Narrator: Over land... Man: AAAAA-<THUD>-A [[Man bouncing rolling on the ground in the desert]] Man: AAAAAAAAA [[Man bouncing rolling on the ground in the desert]] Man: A-<THUD>-AAAAAA [[Man bouncing rolling on the ground in the desert]] Man: AA-<THUD>-AAAAA [[Man under the surface of a body of water]] Narrator: And sea. Man: AAAAAAAAAAAA [[Man still under the surface of a body of water]] Man: AAAAAAAA [[Man temporarily standing on the surface of the body of water]] Man: AAAAAA [[Man under the surface of the body of water]] Man: AAAAAAAA [[Tree in the savanna, with the man off the panel]] Narrator: He found, where he could, food- Man: AAAAAAAAAAAA [[Tree in the savanna, with the man still off the panel, but zoomed out so that part of the man's bounce roll path is visible]] Man: AAAAAAAAA [[Man upside-down, still bouncing rolling in the savannah, with a gazelle galloping away from him]] <GALLOP> <GALLOP> Man: AAAAAAAAA [[Savanna with a tree in it]] Man: AAAAAAAAAAA [[Woman standing, with the man off screen]] Narrator: And love. Man: AAAA-<THUD>-AAAA [[Woman standing, with the man off screen]] Man: <THUD> ACK <CRASH> [[Man crashing into woman]] Woman: Hiwhat'syourname- <WHAM> [[Woman on the ground, with the man off screen]] Man: AAAAAAA-<THUD>-AAA [[Woman speaking to another man]] Woman: I met this guy. He knocked me over and tumbled into the distance. [[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel, with the man's hand to his mouth]] Woman: We only shared a few seconds, but in his panicked scream I heard something beautiful. [[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel]] Woman: I think... I think I'm... [[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel]] Man: Falling for him? Woman: I wasn't going to say it. [[Woman at hospital with doctor, giving birth]] Narrator: She never saw him again. But nine months later... Doctor: Okay, push! [[Woman at hospital with doctor and new baby, who is bouncing rolling away]] Doctor: It's a gir- Woman: !! Doctor: Whoops! Baby: Ga! Ga! [[Baby bouncing rolling out of hospital]] Baby: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE [[Baby bouncing rolling in front of a sunset]] Baby: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Narrator: The End {{alt text: Strip originally conceived in conversation with Jeph Jacques. Soon to be a major motion picture.}}

[[Guy sitting on a chair with his laptop in his lap]] Laptop: Starting WiFi autoconfig... searching for WiFi... Found no open networks. Laptop: Found secure net SSID "Lenhart Family" Laptop: Trying common passwords... Failed. Checking for WEP Vulnerabilities... Guy: Um. Laptop: None found. [[Guy still sitting with laptop in his lap, but hand is on chin. Phone on table across room starts vibrating]] Laptop: Connecting to Bluetooth phone... Calling local school... Found Lenhart children. [[Guy furiously typing on his laptop]] Laptop: Notifying field agents. Children acquired. Calling Lenhart parents. Negotiating for WiFi password... <<CTRL-C CTRL-C>> {{Title text: I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release.}}

[[Man and woman stand facing one another. Both hold sheets of paper.]] Text reads: Not content with normal restraining orders, my ex got creative. Man: Wait... I can't get closer than 500 yards of you... or more than 600 yards away? Woman: You'll have to move somewhere within this ring. {{title text: On Mondays I go running, so you'll have to get up early and follow along a parallel street. What fun!}}

[A bed sits on the ground in the middle of the frame. At the left of the frame, a man stands atop a skateboard jump ramp twice his height, one foot on the back of a skateboard poised over the coping. At the bottom of the ramp is a small kicker ramp which will launch him over the bed. A woman to the right of the frame stands on the roof of a house grasping a rope which is affixed directly over the bed. They are both poised to begin their motion.] Our copy of the Kama Sutra has a couple mistranslations. Which we refuse to fix. {{Alt: Oh, I think this word might mean 'Crisco'!}}

[[Girl is placing EEE PC inside hamster ball. Guy scratches head]] Guy: What are you doing? Girl: Mounting your EEE PC in a hamster ball. Girl: Well, the TCO of a cat is like $1000 year, so we're saving money. [[Guy is typing]] Girl: Microcontrollers are all wired up. How's the brain coming? Guy: I've taught it obstacle avoidance and blogging. Guy: Aww, look, it's making friends with the Roomba." <<EEE PC: RRRRR>> <<Roomba: Beep!>> Diagram: Webcam, RF links, bearings, omni wheels, magnets, EEE PC, omni wheels, battery [[Hamster ball bounces down flight of stairs]] <<Hamster ball: Bonk, bonk>> Off-panel: Man, I hope it's OK that we're laughing at this. [[Girl picks up ball]] Girl: I think my mothering instinct took a wrong turn somewhere. Guy: You mean an awesome turn. [[Guy is typing]] Girl: Too bad we can't give it a soul. Guy: Sure we can. Guy types: import soul Girl: Oh, right. Python. {{Title text: ONE LAPTOP PER HAMSTER}}

[[Man and woman standing to one side, looking and pointing at guy in black hat who is facing away.]] [[Woman sneaks up on Black Hat Guy.]] [[Close-up of woman with hands raised.]] Woman: Boo! [[Black Hat Guy looks shocked, and his hat jumps.]] [[The hat falls down over his head.]] [[The hat keeps falling, with only his legs still visible.]] [[The hat hits the ground.]] <<FWUMP>> [[Man and woman look at the hat.]] [[The hat scurries away.]] <<SCOOCH SCOOCH SCOOCH>> {{title text: ...}}

[[Guy looking over girl's shoulder while girl is clicking her mouse with her other hand on her chin]] Guy: Wait, you're buying techno on iTunes? Girl: Yeah. So? Guy: Couldn't you just loop the 15-second free sample 20 times and get basically the same thing? {{title text: I don't know what's worse -- that there exists broken-hard-drive-sound techno, or that it's not half bad.}}

Lecturer: In my paper, I use an extension of the divisor function over the Gaussian integers to generalize the so-called "friendly numbers" into the complex plane. [[Points to equations on the board]] Guy in room: Hold on. Is this paper simply a build-up to an "imaginary friends" pun? [[Lecturer stands speechless]] Lecturer: It MIGHT not be. Guy in room: I'm sorry, we're revoking your math license. {{Alt: That's nothing. I once lost my genetics, rocketry, and stripping license in a single incident.}}

[[Guy showing off electric skateboard to girl reading something]] Guy: Check it out! An electric longboard! Girl: Sweet! [[Guy riding longboard with girl sitting onboard -- people in background]] Longboard: <<RRRR>> [[Girl turned around on longboard]] Girl: I feel like we're missing something... Guy: Yeah... [[Guy throwing 3 green Koopa Troopa shells; girl throwing 1 red Koopa Troopa shell -- like Mario Kart]] <<Music Playing>> Longboard: <<RRRR>> [[Guy and girl still on longboard, going up an incline]] Guy: Skating uphill like this is amazing. Years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill, and now suddenly it's gliding both ways. Longboard: <<RRRR>> [[Guy and girl after passing an S-curve and boulder]] Guy: It's like going from C to Python. You don't realize how much time you were spending on the boring parts until you don't have to do them anymore. Girl: But coding C or assembly makes you a better programmer. Maybe the boring parts build character. [[Guy and girl on longboard...]] Guy: Yeah... but it depends how you want to spend your life. See, my philosophy is -- [[Longboard get into an accident]] <<*WHAM*>> [[Calvin and Hobbes laying down in the grass near the guy and girl laying down on the grass -- Calin and Hobbes's wagon is on the path, as is the longboard -- all characters seeing stars]] {{Title text: Unsafe vehicles, hills, and philosophy go hand in hand.}}

[On phone] Girl: I know you're not that into my sister, but she's really crushing on you. Boy: Yeah, it's awkward. Girl: She's in a rough spot. It's a lot to ask, but could you take her out and ... dissuade her, without rejecting her? Boy: Wait a second. Are you asking me to show her a mediocre time? Girl: I know it's a weird-- Boy: [Raising index finger.] No, no! This is the mission I was _born_ for. Girl: I figured you could handle it. Boy: One of my classic high-school dates coming up! Girl: Oh God. Don't overdo it. [Alt text: To anyone I've taken on a terrible date, this is retroactively my cover story.]

[[Guy driving down the road, with a GPS reading "COLD"]] GPS: COLD... WARM... HOT! COLD... {{title text: In lieu of mapping software, I once wrote a Perl program which, given a USB GPS receiver and a destination, printed 'LEFT' 'RIGHT' OR 'STRAIGHT' based on my heading.}}

[[Above frame]] When I need to blow off steam, I find a particularly stupid blog comment and reply with an exhaustively researched word-by-word rebuttal, which I sign "Summer Glau". [[Guy sitting at computer typing away]] ... In conclusion, on examining the above post by CrackMonkey74, after carefully working my way through the haze of spelling errors (documented in section 3), abuse of capitalization (section 4), and general crimes against grammar and syntax (sections 7-8), I have demonstrated that, beneath it all, the work betrays the author's staggering ignorance of the history and the workings of our electoral system. While the author's wildly swerving train of thought did at one point flirt with coherence, this brief encounter was more likely a chance event (see statistical analysis in table 5) than a result of even rudimentary lucidity. -Summer Glau P.S. Don't forget to check out the next season of the Sarah Connor Chronicles this fall on Fox! {{title text: P.P.S. I can kill you with my brain.}}

[[Two women ice-skating outside]] Blonde: Wait up! Brunette (wearing Hat Guy's Hat): Skate faster! [[Brunette sees cracking ice]] <<Crack>> <<Crack>> [[Brunette on chunk of ice broken off]] <<Crack>> <<Rumble>> [[Submarine dorsal fin emerging]] <<Awooga>> [[Hat Guy (minus hat) coming out of door]] Hat Guy: Hi. Hat Guy: That's my hat you're wearing. Brunette (wearing Hat Guy's Hat): So, you found me after all. Hat Guy (out of frame): You didn't make it easy. Hat Guy: You saw through me, all right. But not quite well enough. Hat Guy: Because if you wanted to stay lost forever, you made one mistake [[Hat Guy sliding down a sheet of ice]] Hat Guy: You took my hat. [[Hat Guy swipes hat off of Brunette]] [[Hat Guy puts it on his head while sliding]] Hat Guy: You took my hat. Hat Guy: I LIKE my hat. [[Hat guy walking away]] [[Brunette left standing there]] {{title text: Oh, and, uh, if the Russian government asks, that submarine was always there.}}

[[A couple sit at the small table of a cafe. The woman holds up a graph.]] Woman: We're a terrible match. But if we sleep together, it'll make the local hookup network a symmetric graph. Man: I can't argue with that. {{Title text: Check it out; I've had sex with someone who's had sex with someone who's written a paper with Paul Erdős!}}

[[Van and truck travel toward mountains]] Narrator: 1,000 miles north of tornado alley Narrator: a new breed of scientists has emerged. [[Man with a laptop, woman with a probe in the ground]] Narrator: Half researchers, half adrenaline junkies Woman: What's the reading? Man: 3.9 meters down, gradient's off the charts! [[Truck driving very fast, man holding a radio up to his head]] Narrator: risking everything for the thrill of the hunt Male: The freeze line is shifting! We've never seen anything like it! [[4 - Barren field, mountains in background, woman holding large video camera up to tiny spot of grass]] Narrator: Permafrost chasers Female: I'm getting some great footage here! Radio: Dammit, Harding, it's not worth your neck! Get the hell out of there! {{Title Text: Twister would've been a much better movie if they'd cut out the bad-guy storm chaser and all the emotional romance crap. All you need for a good movie are tornados and scientists. Actually, that's all you need for anything.}}

The Large Hadron Collider, CERN... Woman: Okay, moment of truth. <<click>> <<VVVVVRRMMMMM>> Man: Do you see the Higgs Boson? Woman: Nope. Man: Huh. Woman: Well, then. Man: Until the theorists get back to us, wanna try hitting pigeons with the proton stream? Woman: Already on it. Cool! I just gave a helicopter cancer. {{Alt text: When charged particles of more than 5 TeV pass through a bubble chamber, they leave a trail of candy.}}

Important life lesson: if there's any possibility of sex, do not leave your music library on "shuffle all. [[A woman lies down in a bed, while someone is beneath the bed sheets with the head between her legs. ON the other side of the room, a computer is turned on and playing music]] Woman: *GASP* MMMMM_ Computer: GO GO POWER RANGERS {{title text:I didn't even know I *had* the Monty Python 'Lumberjack' song.}}

[[There is a linked black web, with a path in red]] Brute-force solution: O(n!) [[The web continues in this one. A man with a hat and a case is drawing it]] Dynamic programming algorithms: O(n^2 2^n) [[Another man, with a hat too, is at a computer, looking back over the chair]] Selling on eBay: O(1) Computer salesman: Still working on your route? Drawing salesman: Shut the hell up. {{title text: What's the complexity class of the best linear programming cutting-plane techniques? I couldn't find it anywhere. Man, the Garfield guy doesn't have these problems ...}}

[[Man in a hallway looking in on a board meeting.]] I'd tap that ass To be the new committee chair. [[Man wearing headphones with a briefcase and a laptop. Another man on a telephone.]] I'd tap that ass Without a warrant. [[Man with his hand on his chin, looking at a tree.]] I'd tap that ass And extract delicious maple syrup. [[Man standing in a blank frame.]] I'd have sex With that tree. {{Alt text: Hey, when you're done draining the syrup, just leave the hole, okay?}}

TV: Can a ninja catch an arrow? On this episode, we'll find out! Guy: Mmm, science. Girl: Hey, Mythbusters is entertaining, but it's not science. ZF: BRAAAIIIINNS ... Guy: Zombie Feynman! ZF: You got a problem with Mythbusters? Girl: They fail at basic rigor! ZF: "Ideas are tested by experiment." That is the _core_ of science. Everything else is bookkeeping. ZF: By teaching people to hold their beliefs up to experiment, Mythbusters is doing more to drag humanity out of the unscientific darkness than a thousand lessons in rigor. Show them some love. ZF: Anyway, back to zombie stuff. I hunger for BRAAAAAIIINNS! Guy: Try the physics lab next door. ZF: I said _brains_. All they've got are string theorists.