ABCD

A history of the United States Congress partisan and ideological makeup [[A chart showing the makeup of the US Senate and House of Representatives throughout history. It shows which ideological blocs (far left, left, center-left, center-right, right, far-right) made up what portion of the left-leaning and right-leaning parties in each chamber.]] {{Title text: It'd be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.}}

THE SAGA OF EPSILON AND ZETA The 2005 Atlantic hurricane season saw devastating storms like Katrina and Rita. But less well-remembered is just how strange the season got toward the end. The forecasters at the National Hurricane Center are the best of the best. Their predictions are masterpieces of professional analysis. But in November 2005, out in the center of the Atlantic - far from any land - the atmosphere stopped making sense. And the forecasters - who'd expected the season to be long over by now - started to get a little… unhinged. This is their story, as seen through the actual 2005 NHC Advisories: [[Two men, one bald and one not, sit looking at their respective computers, at separate desks, back to back. The advisory is printed above them in caps small-caps Courier type.]] Tuesday, November 29th, 2005: Tropical Storm Epsilon . . . The 26th named storm of the apparently never ending 2005 Atlantic hurricane season. [[The same scene, different text.]] 10 PM Wed: The window of opportunity for strengthening should close in 12-24 hr. 4 PM Thu: Slow but steady weakening is expected to begin in 12-24 hours. [[The man with hair now has questions marks above his head.]] 4 AM Fri: Epsilon does not appear weaker. 10 AM Fri: Epsilon has been upgraded to a 65-kt hurricane. [[The two still sit back-to-back.]] 4 PM Sat: Epsilon has continued to strengthen against all odds . . . [but] can not maintain the current intensity much longer since the environment is becoming increasingly unfavorable. [[Ditto.]] 10 PM Sat: Epsilon might or might not still be a hurricane . . . but in any case it likely will not be one on Sunday. 4 AM Sun: Epsilon is downgraded to a tropical storm. [[Yep.]] 10 AM Sun: Morning satellite images indicate that Epsilon has restrengthened. [[A closer view of just the balding man at his desk.]] There are no clear reasons . . . and I am not going to make one up . . . to explain the recent strengthening of Epsilon and I am just describing the facts. However . . . I still have to make an intensity forecast and the best bet at this time is to predict weakening . . . Epsilon will likely become a remnant low. I heard that before about epsilon . . . haven't you? [[The two men still sit back to back, but the man with hair is now turning his head toward the other man, with his arm resting on the back of his chair. The bald man is leaning forward in his seat, toward his computer while typing.]] 4 PM Mon: The cloud pattern continues to be remarkably well-organized for a hurricane at such high latitude in December. [[The other man has turned back to his own screen.]] 10 PM Mon: We have said this before . . . but Epsilon really does not appear as strong this evening as it did this afternoon. [[Just the bald guy now.]] 4 AM Tue: I have run out of things to say. [[The two of them again.]] 10 PM Tue: The end is in sight. It really really is. But in the meantime . . . Epsilon continues to maintain hurricane status. 4 AM Wed: The end is in sight . . . yes . . . but not quiet yet. I thought I was going to find a weakening system and instead I found that Epsilon is still a hurricane. [[Ditto.]] 10 AM Thu: Convection has vanished and Epsilon is now a tight swirl of low clouds. I hope this is the end of the long lasting 2005 hurricane season. [[This panel is blank and just reads: Nope.]] Enter Tropical Storm Zeta. [[The men are still at their desks. The bald man is leaning back on his chair and staring at his screen, the other man's hair is noticeably disheveled, and he has started growing a five o'clock shadow.]] Friday, December 30th, 2005: An elongated area of low pressure . . . which ahd its origins in an old frontal trough . . . began developing organized convection overnight. Advisories are initiated on the 27th tropical storm of 2005. Any new storms would be in the 2006 season. [[The men are still at their desks, the man with hair is even more bedraggled-looking.]] 4PM Fri: Although the atmosphere seems to want to develop tropical storms ad nauseam . . . the calendar will shortly put an end to the use of the Greek alphabet to name them. But 2005's wouldn't end until Zeta did. [[The bald man is now wearing a party hat and there is confetti in the air.]] 10 PM Sat: Zeta appeared on the verge of losing all of its deep convection a few hours ago . . . but since about 21z the convection has been on somewhat of an increase again. [[A close view of the man with hair at his desk.]] 10 PM Sun: This is like Epsilon all over again. Most of the conventional guidance suggested that zeta should have been dissipated by now . . . well . . . zeta is pretty much alive at this time. I have no choice but to forecast weakening again and again. [[Both of them at their desks.]] 4 AM Mon: By 24-36 hours . . . a significant increase in westerly winds . . . should act to shear away most of the associated convection . . . and finally bring the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season to a merciful ending. 4 PM Mon: It is hard to conceive that a tropical cyclone will be able to survive for very long in such a hostile environment. therefore I have not backed off on the forecast of weakening. [[And again.]] 10 PM Mon: Zeta is stronger than yesterday. 10 AM Wed: As you can see. . . I ran out of things to say. [[And again.]] 4 AM Thu: Satellite intensity estimates have decreased. Zeta is downgraded to a 30 kt tropical depression. [[And again.]] 10 AM Thu: Shortly after the previous advisory had been issued . . . regretfully . . . the intensity . . . increased to 35 kt and Zeta is a tropical storm once again. [[And again.]] 10 PM Thu: Although it seems as if Zeta will never die . . . the forecast continues to show weakening. [[Both men are now leaning back in their chairs, exhausted.]] 4 PM, Friday, January 6, 2006: Zeta no longer meets the criteria of a tropical cyclone. . . which means that both it and the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season have ended. This is the national hurricane center signing off for 2005. [[The bald man still sits at his desk, the man with hair is no longer in his chair.]] [[Again, we see the bald man at his desk and the other guy's empty desk.]] Bald guy: Actually, Zeta's cloud pattern is… Hair guy: (out of panel) NO. Bald guy: Ok. {{Title text: The average error in the NHC forecasted position of a hurricane three days in the future has shrunk to a third of what it was in 1990--a staggering accomplishment. However, as you may have gathered, forecasts of future storm *strength* have proved more difficult to improve.}}

[[A view of the passenger-side sideview mirror from the inside of the car. A message on the bottom of the mirror reads 'Objects in mirror are bluer than they appear.']] Edwin Hubble's car. {{Title text: Universes in mirror, like those in windshield, are larger than they appear.}}

[[A graph, with a slightly curved upward trend. The x-axis is marked 'how often someone declares that they hate "drama" and always avoid it.', and the y-axis is marked 'rate at which they create drama.' ]] {{Title text: 'Drama' is just 'people being upset', when someone says they're always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.}}

[[A small rectangle, in the style of a food package's ingredients list.]] INGREDIENTS: HYDROGEN, TIME {{Title text: Works for any grocery or non-grocery. Even thyme is just H and time.}}

The Problem with Statements Like "No <party> candidate has won the election without <state>" or "No President has been reelected under <circumstances>" [[Each panel is a variation on the others, with the date in a small box at the top left, a stick figure speaking the line in the main panel, and the concluding sentence underneath.]] 1788… No one has been elected President before. …but Washington was. 1792… No incumbent has ever been selected. …until Washington. 1796… No one without false teeth has become President. …but Adams did. 1800… No challenger has beaten an incumbent. …but Jefferson did. 1804… No incumbent has beaten a challenger. …until Jefferson. 1808… No congressman has ever become President. …until Madison. 1812… No one can win without New York. …but Madison did. 1816… No candidate who doesn't wear a wig can get elected. …until Monroe was. 1820… No one who wears pants instead of breeches can be reelected. …but Monroe was. 1824… No one has ever won without a popular majority. …J.Q. Adams did. 1828… Only people from Massachusetts and Virginia can win. …until Jackson did. 1832… The only Presidents who get reelected are Virginians. …until Jackson. 1836… New Yorkers always lose. …until Van Buren. 1840… No one over 65 has won the Presidency. …until Harrison did. 1844… No one who's lost his home state has won. …but Polk did. 1848… The Democrats don't lose when they win Pennsylvania. …but they did in 1848. 1852… New England Democrats can't win. …until Pierce did. 1856… No one can become President without getting married. …until Buchanan did. 1860… No one over 6'5" can get elected. …until Lincoln. 1864… No one with a beard has been reelected. …but Lincoln was. 1868… No one can be President if their parents are alive. …until Grant. 1872… No one with a beard has been reelected in peacetime. …until Grant was. 1876… No one can win a majority of the popular vote and still lose. …Tilden did. 1880… As goes California, so goes the nation. …until it went Hancock. 1884… Candidates named 'James' can't lose. …until James Blaine. 1888… No sitting President has been beaten since the Civil War. …Cleveland was. 1892… No former President has been elected. …until Cleveland. 1896… Tall Midwesterners are unbeatable. …Bryan wasn't. 1900… No Republican shorter than 5'8" has been reelected. …until McKinley was. 1904… No one under 45 has been elected. …Roosevelt was. 1908… No Republican who hasn't served in the military has won. …until Taft. 1912… After Lincoln beat the Deocrats while sporting a beard with no mustache, the only Democrats who can win have a mustache with no beard. …Wilson had neither. 1916… No Democrat has won without Indiana. …Wilson did. 1920… No incumbent senator has won. …until Harding. 1924… No one with two Cs in their name has become President. …until Calvin Coolidge. 1928… No one who got ten million votes has lost. …until Al Smith. 1932… No Democrat has won since women secured the right to vote. …until FDR did. 1936… No President's been reelected with double-digit unemployment. …until FDR was. 1940… No one has won a third term. …until FDR did. 1944… No Democrat has won during wartime. …until FDR did. 1948… Democrats can't win without Alabama. …Truman did. 1952… No Republican has won without winning the House or Senate. …Eisenhower did. 1956… No Republican has won without Missouri. …until Eisenhower. 1960… Republicans without facial hare are unbeatable. …Kennedy beat Nixon. 1964… No Democrat has won without Georgia. …Johnson did. 1968… No Republican Vice President has risen to the Presidency through an election. …until Nixon. 1972… No wartime candidate has won without Massachusetts. …until Nixon did. 1976… No one who lost New Mexico has won. …but Carter did. 1980… No one has been elected President after a divorce. …until Reagan was. 1984… No left-handed President has been reelected. …until Reagan was. 1988… No Democrat who has won Wisconsin (without being from there) has lost. …until Dukakis did. 1992… No Democrat has won without a majority of the Catholic vote. …until Clinton did. 1996… No Dem. incumbent without combat experience has beaten someone whose first name is worth more in Scrabble. …until Bill beat Bob. 2000… No Republican has won without Vermont. …until Bush did. 2004… No Republican without combat experience has beaten someone two inches taller. …until Bush did. 2008… No Democrat can win without Missouri. …until Obama did. [[The next two panels share a date and ending caption.]] 2012… Panel 1: Alliterative tickets (e.g. Romney Ryan) are undefeated. Panel 2: No nominee whose first name contains a "K" has lost. Which streak will break? {{Title text: No white guy who's been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.}}

[[A character is sending a message from their phone.]] Character: Hey, I lost the server password. What is it, again? [[Someone at a desk with a laptop on it replies.]] Desk Haver: It's -- ...wait. How do I know it's really you? Character: Ooh, good question! I bet we can construct a cool proof-of-identity protocol. I'll start by picking two random-- Desk Haver: Oh good; it's you. Here's the psasword... Character: NO! {{Title text: Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you'll be set.}}

[[A figure with a hat is talking to another figure.]] Hat: ... No, but see, it's a movie about movies. Figure: Sounds like masturbatory navel-gazing. Hat: No, it's about blurring the line between metaphor and reality. Hat: You just don't know much about art. Figure: I know all about blurring the line between metaphor and reality. I'm the goddamn Michael Jordan of blurring the line between metaphor and reality. [[The figure walks away.]] Hat: ... huh? [[A basketball flies into the panel and knocks the figure's hat off.]] {{Title text: People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation.}}

My hobby: [[A wind turbine has been disconnected from its transformer, and is wired directly to a large wooden fan. A figure stands proudly before the wooden fan.]] Undoing {{Title text: I've been sneaking out at night and installing lamps on the underside of every photovoltaic panel I can find. Sure, there are upwards of 80% losses, but I prefer to think of them as nearly 20% gains.}}

[[Two characters with long hair are talking.]] First character: Remember when we prosecuted Microsoft for bundling a browser with an OS? First character: Imagine the future we'd live in if we'd been willing to let one tech company amass that much power. Second character: Thank god we nipped that in the bud. {{Title text: Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don't have any 'S's in their names for critics to snarkily replace with '$'s.}}

[[The first panel's scenery is upside down. An artist is hanging from the ground, looking down at the sky, where there is a cloud.]] Artist: Oh -- hello down there! Artist: Welcome to my sky! [[The artist is now standing on the ground looking up.]] Artist: It's pretty good. Artist: I like it. Artist: It's not the same color as anything . [[The scene zooms out, revealing more clouds.]] Artist: Wow! Artist: There are a lot of you! Artist: Good thing it's so big. [[A figure with long hair is talking to the artist at what's evidently an alcoholory, since the figure is holding a martini glass and there is a waiter in the background.]] Figure: And what do you do? Artist: I'm in the cloud storage business. {{Title text: According to my mom, my first word was (looking up at the sky) 'Wow!'}}

[[Six traffic lights are hanging from a wire. A bird is on the wire. This is animated.]] [[On the far left, a pole has a sign disallowing all directions.]] [[The first light on the left has a right turn only sign.]] [[The next light has straight and right turn only.]] [[The far right light has a left turn only sign.]] [[If you watch long enough, the lights do odd things such as turn purple, or light up all three red.]] {{Title text: There's an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a 'no turns' sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it's telling me to do.}}

[[A woman approaches a guy in a white beret, who appears to be doing a handstand on the lawn.]] Woman: What are you doing? Beret: Clinging to the ceiling of a bottomless abyss. [[The woman walks past him.]] Woman: You are very odd. [[The woman towards a mailbox.]] [[As she passes the mailbox, she looks up.]] [[This panel appears to be upside down. The woman is clinging to the mailbox, and a woman with a ponytail approaches her.]] Ponytail: What's wrong? Woman: I looked down. {{Title text: I dropped a bird and I didn't hear it hit bottom.}}

[[A man and a woman stand at the counter of a shop. A man with a beard and a beret stands behind the counter, holding a sword.]] Beard: This sword was forged from a fallen star. Antimony impurities make the blade surprisingly brittle and weak . [[A close-up on the man with the beard.]] Beard: And this dagger is made of metal from a far-off kingdom. It glows blue. Out of panel: When orcs are near? [[The man with the beard holds a dagger.]] Beard: No, always. Radiation from the Actinum content. Woman: ...does it have eldritch powers? [[The bearded man puts the dagger back behind the counter.]] Beard: It gives the wielder +2 to cancer risk. Other Man: I think we should find another shop. {{Title text: This exotic blade was wrought from a different fallen star. The meteorite was a carbonaceous chondrite, so it's basically a lump of gravel glued into the shape of a sword. A SPACE sword!}}

[[Five people are at a funeral, the casket is on a stand in the center. There are three people in the background, on the left side. On the right, in the foreground, are two police officers. One is male, the other female.]] Female cop: Good cop. It's a real shame - he was just one day away from getting put in the locked, heavily-guarded room where all cops stay for the last day before they retire. {{Title text: We can't let this happen again. We need to build a secure TWO-day-before-retirement safe room.}}

[[A guy in a knit hat is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop. Another guy is looking over his shoulder.]] Laptop: *move* Other guy: Why'd you move your knight away? [[The guy in the hat turns around to look at the other guy.]] Other guy: Just think logically . The goal is checkmate, so you should always move pieces toward the other player's king. [[A close-up on the other guy, hand to chin in thought.]] Other guy: I guess occasionally you need to move backward, but it'd be trivial to make a list of those circumstances and-- [[The guy in the hat leans back in his chair.]] Hat guy: Have you ever played chess? Other guy: Not buch, but-- Hat guy: Wanna? Other guy: Uh, ok. [[The two have set up a chessboard on a stool between them, the guy in the hat playing from his chair, the other guy standing. The guy in the hat takes the first move.]] *move* *move* *move* *move* *move* *move* *move* Hat guy: Checkmate. [[The other guy stares at the board.]] [[The guy in the knit hat has turned back to his laptop, and the other guy is standing behind him, still looking at the chessboard on the stool.]] Other guy: This game isn't very well-designed. For starters, knights are too weak... {{Title text: I've developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won't reply to my posts.}}

[[Standard vacuous entertainment newscast. An anchor starts off the segment with an inset feed of a field reporter]] In-studio News Anchor: All Hollywood is in town or tonight's star-studded premier! We go live to our reporter on the red carpet. How do things look? [[Field reporter feed switches to fullscreen. The reporter is stating on the red carpet in front of a full crowd.]] Field reporter: Bleak. In 800 million years, the aging, brightening sun will boil away the oceans, and all this will be blowing sand. [[Switch back to initial framing]] Anchor: Oh. Um. ..sounds pretty grim. How are the stars reacting? Reporter: Hydrogen fusion. But it won't last forever. Anchor. I mean the *movie* stars. Reporter: They won't last forever either. None of us will. {{Title text: 'But what's the buzz about the film?' 'We're hoping it's distracting.'}}

[[A character is dangling from a balloon. All text appears in rectangular bubbles.]] Character: From the stories Character: I expected the world to be sad Character: And it was Character: And I expected it to be wonderful. Character: It was. ((The last panel, unusually, is infinitely large, and this transcript is not wide enough to contain it. The part you can see in a normal browser window goes as follows.)) [[ The same character is dangling above the ground, next to an intricately drawn tree with no leaves. ]] Character: I just didn't expect it to be so big . {{Title text: Click and drag.}}

[[A fridge with most of the shelves as conveyor belts that feed off to a "bad" tray. The top internal one starts at 3 days, and has markings for 2 days, 24 hours, and 12 hours. The middle internal one goes from 1 week to 5 days to 3 days to 2 and then to 1 day. The bottom internal one goes from 3 months to 2, 1, and then 2 weeks. One belt is mounted on the door, marked from 2 weeks to 1 week to 3 days.]] {{Title text: I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.}}

[[ A figure wakes up to an apparition hovering over their bed. ]] Apparition: OOOOOOOOOOOOooooo Figure: A ghost!? Apparition: I bring a cautionary vision of things to come! Apparition: This is the future: [[ Two people are standing between a pair of houses. There is a tree. An airplane flies past. ]] Apparition: And this is the future if you give up the fight over the word "literally": [[ Two people are standing between a pair of houses. There is a tree. An airplane flies past. The cynical might suggest the panel is copy pasted. [[ Back to the figure in bed. ]] Figure: They looked exactly the same. Apparition: OOOOOOOOOOOooooo Figure: Ok, I get it. Apparition: Seriously, this is duuuuumb . {{Title text: But then the Ghost of Subjunctive Past showed up and told me to stay strong on 'if it were'.}}

(( The panel is a chart. Months are arrayed down the first column, the second and third columns show sports, with the divisions in partial months rather than lined up with the ends of months. )) Which sport are they arguing about? -My cheat sheet- (( The second column, reproduced using approximate dates. )) US: Football [[ovoid ball drawn in brackets]]: Jan 1 - February 10 Basketball: February 10 - April 20 Baseball: April 20 - May 25 Basketball: May 25 - June 15 Baseball: June 15 - August 20 Football [[ovoid]]: August 20 - October 5 Baseball: October 5 - October 20 Football [[ovoid]]: October 20 - December 31 (( The third column, reproduced using approximate dates. )) non-US: Football [[truncated icosahedron, 20 hexagons and 12 pentagons]]: Jan 1 - December 31 {{Title text: I would subscribe to a Twitter feed that supplied you with one reasonable sports opinion per day, like 'The Red Sox can't make the playoffs (championship games), but in last night's game their win seriously damaged the chances of the Yankees (longstanding rival team).'}}

[[A person holding onto a balloon labeled "math problem" goes to grab another labeled "call mom"]] [["Check Oven" appears off in the distance]] [[The person lets go of the first two..]] [[..leaps up and grabs "Check Oven]] [[More balloons. "parking meter", "taxes", "buy soap", "phone call", "relax", "inbox", "clean", "beat game", "feed cat", "drink water", "call mom", "math problem", "send card", "check oven", "engine light", "read", "breathe" all show up at once.]] {{Title text: 20 balloons float away while I'm busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was 'land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.'}}

[[A guy walking toward the left, holding a car license plate in front of him.]] Guy: Check out my personalized license plate! Girl (out of frame): "1I1-III1"? [[The girl is now in frame, sitting in an office chair, looking down at the license plate in her hands. The guy stands in front of her, rubbing his hands together with glee.]] Guy: No one will be able to correctly record my plate number! I can commit any crime I want! Girl: Sounds foolproof. SOON: [[A witness (a bald man in glasses) stands in front of yellow 'DO NOT CROSS' police tape, speaking to a pair of police officers. One officer is facing him, writing in a notepad, the other is turning to walk away.]] Witness: The thief's license plate was all "1"s or something. PO #1: Oh. That guy. PO #2: His address is on a post-it in the squad car. {{Title text: The next day: 'What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!' 'Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1's and I's.' 'That's impossible! I've been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.'}}

[[A woman approaches a little girl, who is sitting on the floor with a pile of books, once of which she is reading.]] Woman: What are you reading about? Girl: Dinosaurs! Woman: Oh, yeah. [[The woman stands talking to the little girl, who is still looking at her book.]] Woman: They've gotten all weird since when I was a kid. They used to be awesome, but now they all have dorky feathers, right? Girl: Yup! [[The woman is still standing, looking at the little girl.]] Girl: This says they now think raptors used their wings for stability, flapping to stay on top of their prey while hanging on with their hooked claws and eating it alive. *Fowler et al., PLOS ONE 6(12), 2011 [[The woman stares at the girl, who is still reading the book.]] [[The woman sits down on the floor with the girl and starts reading another of the books.]] {{Title text: Click to see a video of a modern bird using stability flapping during predatory behavior. It all fits! Also, apparently Microraptor had *four* wings? The past keeps getting cooler! (And there's more of it every day!)}}

[[A man stands at a microwave, which hangs on the wall above the stove.]] Man: How long do you zap these? Out of panel person: Two minutes. Man: Thanks! <<*beep* 1>> <<*beep* 5>> <<*beep* 9>> Man (whispering): It's ok, Nine. You are not forgotten. Ever since I heard the simile "as neglected as the nine button on the microwave," I've found myself adjusting cook times. {{Title text: FYI: If you get curious and start trying to calculate the time adjustment function that minimizes the gap between the most-used and least-used digit (for a representative sample of common cook times) without without altering any time by more than 10%, and someone asks you what you're doing, it's easier to just lie.}}

[[A man with a combover, a book, and a clipboard approaches black-hat man.]] Combover: You should check us out. We're the fastest-growing religion in the country. Black hat: "Fastest-growing" is such a dubious claim. Combover: It's true! We grew by 85% over the past year. ((Between panels.)) [[Black hat man shouts to someone out of frame.]] Black hat: Hey, Rob -- wanna join my religion? Rob: Sure, whatever. [[Black hat man turns back to Combover and produces a notepad and pen.]] Black hat: Well, looks like my religion grew by 100% this year. [[Black hat man begins to walk away.]] Combover: We have 38,000 members! Black hat: Hope they're all ok with second place. {{Title text: I lead a small but extraordinarily persuasive religion whose only members are door-to-door proselytizers from other faiths.}}

[[A timeline style graph.]] WORDS Arranged by How Sketchy They Make the Sentence "HEY BABY, WANNA COME BACK TO MY SEX ________?" sketchy <--------> very sketchy party --- orgy --- dungeon --- palace --- house --- shrine --- room --- basement --- truck --- platform --- van --- area --- crate --- chute --- ravine --- tarp {{Title text: factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge}}

[[A bride and groom stand next to each other. Each has a hand outstretched toward the other.]] Officiator (out of panel): Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Bride: ...no. [[The groom steps back in surprise. The bride removes her wig to reveal she is a man.]] Groom: What? Amy!? Bride: I'm not Amy. None of this was real. You're back in senior year. It's the big game. [[The groom puts his hands to his head in confusion. The "bride" holds up a football, still holding the wig in his other hand.]] Groom: What is this!? Bride: The greatest high school football misdirection play of all time. [[The groom puts his hands to his mouth as the man in the wedding dress begins to run backwards, away from him.]] ((Outside the final panel.)) [[The groom remains frozen in horror as the "bride" turns and dashes toward the goalpost in the distance.]] {{Title text: So, um. Do you want to get a drink after the game?}}

[[An unbuxom waitress begins to serve some customers at a table]] Waitress: ..and on Tuesdays we offer endless wings. White Beret Guy: Haha, cool. i have those. Waitress: You what? [[White Beret Guy sprouts a pair of wings]] Waitress: AAAAA!! [[White Beret Guy's wings start getting longer]] Everyone: AAAAAAA [[Wings start to extend into space out from the earth]] *Really* Everyone: AAAAAAAA {{Title text: Try our bottomless drinks and fall forever!}}

Understanding online star ratings: 5 stars: [has only one review] 4.5 stars: Excellent 4 stars: OK 3.5 - 1 star: Crap. {{Title text: I got lost and wandered into the world's creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the 'one star' button I felt this distant chill ...}}

[[A person at an airport slips on a banana peel and gets sucked into a nearby jet engine]] Person (thinking): Seriously!? *This* is what gets me? I wasted so many hours on WebMD worrying about the rash on my arm! {{Title text: BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT}}

I can't help but admire the audacity of the marketer who came up with the phrase "contains a clinically studied ingredient" [[Two people are about to enter a bed for.. activities]] Person 1: Don't worry - I've been tested. Person 2: ...and you're clean? Person 1: So many questions! {{Title text: Blatantly banking on customers not understanding that it's like a Hollywood studio advertising that their new movie was 'watched by Roger Ebert'.}}

[[Two people hang out with some beverages. The speaker here has a bright green crazy straw]] Crazy Straw Person: The thing to understand about the plastic crazy straw design world is that there are two main camps: The professionals - designing for established brands - and the hobbyists. The hobbyist mailing lists are full of drama, with friction between the regulars and a splinter group focused on loops.. Human subcultures are nested fractally. There's no bottom. {{Title text: The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who's basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.}}

[[Black Hat Man is interviewed for a job at an interviewer's desk]] Interviewer: ..but thank you for applying. We'll keep your résumé on file. [[Black Hat Man places a briefcase onto the interviewer's desk]] Black Hat Man: Perhaps *this* could change your mind? [[Interviewer opens the briefcase]] [[..the briefcase opens into a hole that extends below the desk]] [[The hole looks miles deep]] [[The view falls into the hole]] [[The interviewer falls down the hole]] [[The interviewer lands on a chair with a briefcase]] [[The positions from the original scene have switched and Black Hat Man is now interviewing]] Black Hat Man: ..but thank you for applying. We'll keep your résumé on file. [[Interviewer looks confused]] [[Interviewer notices the briefcase]] [[Interviewer places briefcase on the desk]] Interviewer: Perhaps *this* could change your mind? [[Black Hat Man opens the briefcase]] [[Black Hat Man looks inside]] [[Black Hat Man spins the briefcase around]] Black Hat Man: I'm sorry.. Black Hat Man: - that opening has been filled [[briefcase contains the normal business elements of a briefcase]] {{Title text: Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?}}

When will we forget? Based on US Census Bureau national population projections. Assuming we don't remember cultural events from before age 5 or 6. By this year: the majority of Americans will be too young to remember: 2012: The seventies 2013: The Carter presidency 2014: The Reagan shooting 2015: The Falkland Islands war 2016: Return of the Jedi release 2017: The first Apple Macintosh 2018: New Coke 2019: Challenger 2020: Chernobyl 2021: Black Monday 2022: The Reagan Presidency 2023: The Berlin Wall 2024: Hammertime 2025: The Soviet Union 2026: The LA Riots 2027: Lorena Bobbit 2028: The Forrest Gump release 2029: The Rwandan Genocide 2030: OJ Simpson's trial 2031: Clinton's reelection 2032: Princess Diana 2033: Clinton's impeachment 2034: Columbine 2035: Forgot about Dre 2036: 9 11 2037: VH1's I Love the 80s 2038: A time before Facebook. 2039: VH1's I Love the 90s 2040: Hurricane Katrina 2041: The planet Pluto 2042: The first iPhone 2043: The Bush presidency 2044: Michael Jackson 2045: trying to say "Eyjafjallajökull" 2046: The Arab Spring 2047: Anything embarrassing you do today. {{Title text: 'Baby Got Back' turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1's 'I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.'}}

[[Two people standing outside their en-Phelps-ified swimming pool]] Person 1: Why is Michael Phelps in your backyard pool? Person 2: I don't know. He's been there all day. Go home, Michael! Michael Phelps: Woo! 18 gold medals! [[The two people break out a pair of pool nets and unsuccessfully try to snag Phelps]] Person 1: Can you get him? Person 2: He's so *fast*! Phelps: Ha hah! Can't catch me! <<Splash splash>> [[One person heads off to fetch something]] [[Person returns with a hand truck full of jello mix]] Phelps: Oh crap. {{Title text: [shortly] ... he ate ALL of it!?}}

[[The Curiosity rover is lowered onto the Mars surface by a Sky Crane.]] Your excuse for anything today: "Sorry - I was up all night trying to download photos taken by a robot lowered onto Mars by a Skycrane." {{Title text: As of this writing the NASA JPL websites are still overloaded. Trying CURIOSITY-REAR-CAM_[256px_x_256px].torrent.SwEsUb.DVDRip.XviD-aXXo.jpg instead.}}

[[A large banner is hanging over a podium, where a speaker is standing. A stick figure crashes through the left side of the panel, scattering glass.]] 10th Annual Symposium on Formal Languages <<CRASH>> Figure: Grammar! [[The figure runs off the right side of the panel, so swiftly it leaves a cloud of dust in its wake. The speaker at the podium just watches silently.]] {{Title text: [audience looks around] 'What just happened?' 'There must be some context we're missing.'}}

[[The scene is a party. Two characters are talking - the entirety of the text is a thought bubble of one of the two.]] Thinker: Am I smiling enough? Should I be leaning on something? Where should my hands go? I hope he doesn't ask me what his name is. I've said "yeah" too much; what are some other agreeing words? Oh crap, his story just got sad stop smiling stop smiling {{Title text: Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said 'yeah' again!}}

[[ Two characters sit across from each other at a desk. One has a beret and the other has a bun. ]] Bun: Where do you see yourself in five years? Beret: Oh man, I don't know! Let's find out! [[ The characters stare at one another. ]] [[ Cobwebs and hair grow; the desk and chairs fall into disrepair. ]] [[ Five years pass. ]] Beret: Hah-- Beret: I thought so! {{Title text: 'Well, no further questions. You're hired!' 'Oh, sorry! I'm no longer interested. There's a bunch of future I gotta go check out!'}}

[[A character in a long flowing robe holds up a lantern in one hand; the One Ring is dangling from a necklace in the other. The scene is a cave, profuse with spiderwebs, bones hanging in some of them. On one of the webs are words, presumably written by the spider.]] SOME PIG {{Title text: My all-time favorite example of syntactic ambiguity comes from Wikipedia: 'Charlotte's Web is a children's novel by American author E. B. White, about a pig named Wilbur who is saved from being slaughtered by an intelligent spider named Charlotte.'}}

((The panel appears to be the log from a 'wish bureau'.)) Eyelash Wish Log Wish Bureau ID #: 21118378 Date range: Jan-Apr 2012 [[The 'Wisher' is black hat guy.]] Wisher Date Wish Jan 09 That wishing on eyelashes worked Jan 12 A pony Jan 15 Unlimited wishes Jan 19 Revocation of rules prohibiting unlimited wishes Jan 20 A finite but arbitrarily large number of wishes Jan 28 The power to dictate the rules governing wishes Feb 05 Unlimited eyelashes Feb 06 That wish-granting entities be required to interpret wishes in accordance with the intent of the wisher Feb 08 That wish-granting entities be incapable of impatience Feb 12 Unlimited breadsticks Feb 12 Veto power over others' wishes Feb 19 Veto power over others' wishes and all congressional legislation Feb 23 The power to override any veto Feb 27 The power to see where any shortened url goes without clicking Feb 29 The power to control the direction news anchors are looking while they talk Mar 07 The power to introduce arbitrary error into Nate Silver's predictions Mar 15 A house of stairs Mar 23 A universe which is a replica of this one sans rules against meta-wishes Mar 29 Free transportation to and from that universe Apr 02 A clear explanation of how wish rules are structured and enforced Apr 07 The power to banish people into the TV show they're talking about Apr 08 Zero wishes Apr 15 Veto power over clocks Apr 22 A Pokéball that works on strangers' pets {{Title text: Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.}}

[[A social network feed with four status updates from four different people. Each one has a reply from the same account, which is called 'ContextBot', underneath.]] Close-up face w glasses: The things I put up with... ContextBot: (His building's WiFi doesn't reach the bathroom.) Male female couple: You'd think by now I'd have learned never to trust anyone. ContextBot: (She downloaded a torrent that turned out to be an encrypted .rar and a ilnk to a survey.) Blonde girl w bangs: I officially give up. ContextBot: (She hit alt-tab to hide Minecraft at work and accidentally dropped a stack of diamond into lava.) Spiky hair guy: Sighhhh ContextBot: (He thought these grapes were seedless.) Everyone stopped complaining about Google's data-gathering when they launched ContextBot, a system which replies to vague, enigmatic social network posts with context from the poster's life. {{Title text: If you read all vaguebooking vaguetweeting with the assumption that they're saying everything they can without revealing classified military information, the internet gets way more exciting.}}

Person 1, sitting at laptop: I, um, messed up my server again. Person 2: I'll take a look. You have the *weirdest* tech problems [[Person 2 uses the root prompt]] ~# ls [[computer returns the following]] usr share Adobe doc example android_vm root sbin ls.jar: Error: Device is not responding. [[Person 2 has an amazingly incredulous look on their face]] Person 2: What did you *do*!? Person 1: Maybe the device is busy. Should I try it later? Person 2: You should shut down this system and wait for the Singularity. {{Title text: Protip: Annoy Ray Kurzweil by always referring to it as the 'Cybersingularity'.}}

If you post: you sound like ((This is a chart with the above two labeled columns. The rows will be represented below in the same format)) "Ron Paul is the only candidate who offers us a real choice!": A teenager "its gettin 18 so ill b here 4 prob 2 more hrs tops": A senator {{Title text: I liked the idea, suggested by h00k on bash.org, of a Twitter bot that messages prominent politicians to tell them when they've unnecessarily used sms-speak abbreviations despite having plenty of characters left.}}

[[Two people are doing a geological survey]] Person 1: Forget the bedding - we were wrong about the whole valley. Person 2: The spreading is recent. Person 1: See the friction breccia? Person 2: Oh - flow cleavage! Deeper in the rift. Person 1: Deeper. [[An idea pops into Person 1's head]] Person 1: This orogeny Person 2: is driven by a Person 1: *huge* Person 2: *thrust* fault [[The same idea pops into person 2's head]] [[They both drop to the ground in a fit of passion]] Geology: Surprisingly erotic. {{Title text: That's a gneiss butte.}}

Person 1, chatting on a cellphone: I can't believe you're so wrong. I'm backed by Snopes, Wikipedia, and a half-dozen journals. You're citing .Net ppages with black backgrounds and like 20 fonts each. Person 2, using a laptop on a desk: It's sad how you buy into the official story so unquestioningly. Guess some people prefer to stay asleep. Person 1: Watch closely - I'm about to win this argument. Person 2, responding electronically: how? Person 1: By *going down a waterslide*. [[The person is sitting at the very top of a waterslide preparing to descend]] Person 2: So? what does that prove? Person 1: Wheeee.. Person 2: You didn't win the argument! Person 1: ...eeee <<sploosh>> {{Title text: Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who's in power has any plan at all.}}

Your Central Visual Field ((This comic contains numerous visual elements arranged around a central point, and are intended to represent locations in a sphere with the eyeball as the center. Underlaid below all of the elements are concentric circles representing degrees from straight ahead, using the eyeball's point of view, denoting where these elements would appear in someone's field of vision given proper setup. For this description, elements will be described using this grid plus location in degrees within the specified circle, placing 0 degrees to the right and going counterclockwise, separated with the word "mark".)) [[At the top are the instructions to view this page]] Look at the center with your eyes this far from the screen. [[A rolled-up sheet of paper that equals about 55 total horizontal degrees in width in the measurement of the chart]] (You can roll up a sheet of paper and cut it - or zoom the page - so it matches this image) 17 mark 0: right eye blind spot. from 0 to 30 mark 15: [[The same image, increasing in absolute size from a very tiny object in the center to one about 20x original size at 30 degrees]] Detail - We only see at high resolution over a small area in the center of our vision where retinal cells are densest (the fovea). If you stare at the center of this chart, your eyes are seeing all these panels at roughly the same level of detail. 9 mark 105: Moon. 7 mark 112: Supermoon. from 0 to 20 mark 170: [[Sets 3 partially overlapping circles in multiple locations along this path. Each set has a primary color in each circle and additive colors in the overlap areas, with color saturation decreasing sharply as the sets leave the center.]] Color Vision: We don't see much color outside the center of our vision - our brains keep track of what color things are and fill it in for us. 17 mark 180: Left Eye Blind Spot. (not pictured: T-Boz blind spot, Chilli blind spot) from 0 to infinity mark from 180 to 205: [[A swath of blue, with heavier saturation up to 5 degrees from center to fading, but never gone out to the edges of the image]] from 0 to 7 from 205 to 235:[[A swath of red, with full saturation in the center and fading out completely at 7 degrees from center]] from 0 to 7 from 235 to 270:[[A swath of green, with full saturation in the center and fading out completely at 7 degrees from center]] Red and green-sensitive cones are mainly limited to the center of our vision. We have few blue-sensitive cone cells, but they're found out to the edge of our vision. 25 mark 205: [[A small whisp of white in a swath of blue]] Blue-sky sprites: These tiny, darting spots, visible against smooth blue backgrounds, are white cells moving in the blood vessels over the retina]] 5 mark 195: [[a long blob, slightly distorting the blue swath]] Floaters: Some types of floaters are caused by breakdown of your eyeball goop as you age, but this type is some other kind of debris near the retina. I don't know what. 10 mark 270: [[An askew crosshair and circle, with faint blue and yellow wedges inside]] Humans can see polarization - Stare at a white area on an LCD display while rotating it or your head fast [[use straight ahead as the axis of rotation]]. Polarization direction is shown by a faint central yellow blue shape. (Also visible in deep blue skies) from 0 to 30 mark 340: [[The same image, increasing in absolute size from a very tiny object in the center to one about 20x original size at 30 degrees. The brightness of the image varies from black at 2 mark 340, to gray at 5 mark 340, to nearly white at 10 mark 340, to slightly grayer at 20 mark 340, to medium gray at 30 mark 340.]] Night Vision: Cone cells (sharp, central color vision) don't work in low light, but rod cells (monochrome, low-res, non-central) do. This is why you can walk around in dim light, but not read. It's also why you can spot fainter stars by looking next to them. {{Title text: I recently learned something that solved a mystery that had bugged me since childhood--why, when I looked at an analog clock, the hand would sometimes seem to take a couple seconds to start ticking. Google "stopped clock illusion".}}

The United Shapes: A map of things states are shaped like ((Each state has some item wedged to stay inside its borders)) Alabama: A moai head facing east. Alaska: Winne the Pooh with a jetpack and a ray gun. Arizona: A refrigerated shelf containing milk, bread, and pastries. Arkansas: A measuring cup. California: A vacuum. Colorado: The wiki article on Colorado. Connecticut: A train conductor's hat. Delaware: A meerkat. Florida: an eggplant. Georgia: Missouri. Hawaii: A snowball. Idaho: A garden gnome, sitting down. Illinois: A gangster with a guitar case, upside down. Indiana: The brush of a paintbrush. Iowa: A tomato, lettuce, cold cut and cheese sandwich. Kansas: A stand-up piano. Kentucky: A cloud. Louisiana: A boot with some gum stuck to the bottom of it. Maine: A Vulcan salute. Maryland: A howling wolf, upside down. Massachusetts: An elephant, being ridden by a man, carrying tea. Michigan: A mitten for the lower portion, an eagle for the UP. Minnesota: $160 in $20 USD bills. Mississippi: A moai head facing west. Missouri: Georgia. Montana: One half of a muffin. Nebraska: A blue VW type 2 with mattresses sticking out the back. Nevada: A clothes iron. New Hampshire: A tall brick factory building. New Jersey: A bent-over old person. New Mexico: A liquid container labeled for something of unusual and silly danger. New York: A hybrid transmission with standard manual-style gears and a torque converter sliced in half. North Carolina: A bouquet of flowers. North Dakota: The top half of an amp. Ohio: Underwear (Briefs). Oklahoma: A covered pot, dripping with boilover. Oregon: A locomotive. Pennsylvania: A very thick book with a bookmark. Rhode Island: The bow half of a boat's hull. South Carolina: A slice of pizza. South Dakota: The bottom half of an amp. Tennessee: A number of childrens' books, placed in a slightly askew pile. Texas: A dog sitting in a bowl. Utah: An oven. Vermont: A microscope, upside down. Virgina: A frog. Washington: A whale. West Virginia: A stegosaurid. Wisconsin: A skull. Wyoming: An envelope. {{Title text: That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.}}

[[A chessboard. The black pawns have all gained longbows and have specifically taken down the enemy white knights (horses)]] {{Title text: 1. Ne3 ... ↘↘↘ 2. Nc3 ... ↘↘↘ 0-1}}

[[One big plain room with a person sitting on the floor with a laptop on one side, a modem and wireless router on the other, and a big box full of the usual accoutrements of living in the middle, with "MISC" written on the side]] Home Organization Tip: Just Give Up. {{Title text: Lifehacking!}}

Groundhog Day really didn't end that way. When Bill Murray finally slept with Rita, it *didn't* break the loop. [[Phil Connors and Rita gettin' busy under the covers of his bed]] They just kept having sex, night after night, [[bed containing Phil and Rita repeats]] February 2nd after February 2nd... [[calendar page repeats]] ..forever But nothing is forever. Not even forever And the day *after* that sexual infinity [[calendar page here]] was February 3rd. 264 days later (the length of a pregnancy) was october 23rd -- [[An enormous explosion in space]] Bishop Ussher's date for the birth of our world. {{Title text: If you closely examine the cosmic background radiation, you can pick up lingering echoes of 'I Got You Babe'.}}

[[An American Diamond warning sign with the following message on it: You're in a box on wheels hurtling along several times faster than evolution could possibly have prepared you to go. Next 5 miles.]] {{Title text: Also possibly several miles beyond that.}}

[[A man is sitting at a table with a laptop open. His hands are on the keys.]] Man: Hah-- Neil DeGrasse Tyson has a great reply to people who doubt astronauts went to the moon. Voice off-screen: Oh? Man: "Atop 3,000 tons of rocket fuel, where else do you think they were headed?" [[The voice off screen turns out to be a woman. She is depicted, and now the man is off-screen.]] Woman: Cute. But it overlooks an even simpler argument. Man: Which is? [[Both the woman and man are now visible. The man has turned her chair around to face her.]] Woman: If NASA were willing to fake great accomplishments, they'd have a second one by now. Man: Ouch. Woman: ...too mean? Man: That burn was so harsh I think you deorbited. {{Title text: Ok, so Spirit and Opportunity are pretty awesome. And Kepler. And New Horizons, Cassini, Spirit and Opportunity, Curiosity, TiME, and Project M. But c'mon, if the Earth were a basketball, in 40 years no human's been more than half an inch from the surface.}}

[[A man stands at a podium before a very large crowd.]] Man: We all hate Mondays. We're all working for the weekend. But our chains exist only in our minds. [[A shot of the man from the podium upwards, from a 3 4 angle. He raises one hand in explanation.]] Man: Calendars are just social consensus. Nature doesn't know the day of the week. [[Closer still, looking straight ahead.]] Man: My friends-- we can make today Saturday. [[Extreme close-up, negative colors.]] Man: We can make it saturday forever . {{Title text: Of the two Garfields, you wouldn't think the cat would turn out to be the more compelling presidential speechwriter, but there you go.}}

Person 1: Nice jacket. Hey -- the Seventies called. Person 2: Oh? What'd they want? [[Person 1 looking at phone]] Person 1: I don't know. They didn't leave a message. Person 2: Weird. 1974: [[Person in bell bottoms using a rotary phone to call the present day, with an incredulous look on his face.]] Voicemail service: If you'd like to leave a message, press "1". {{Title text: Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like 'Wherefore this demonic inſtrument? By what ſorcery does it produce ſuch ſounds?"}}

[[An enormous diagram of dots, mostly of varying shades of brown and greenish yellow, with a number of smaller blue dots and larger red dots.]] All 786 known planets (as of June 2012) to scale. (Some planet sizes estimated based on mass) This [[indicating a small section of 8 planets out of the several hundreds]] is our solar system. The rest of these orbit other stars and were only discovered recently. Most of them are huge because those are the kind we learned to detect first, but now we're finding that small ones are actually more common. We know nothing about what's on any of them. With better telescopes, that could change. This is an exciting time. {{Title text: Planets are turning out to be so common that to show all the planets in our galaxy, this chart would have to be nested in itself--with each planet replaced by a copy of the chart--at least three levels deep.}}

[[A very small chart]] Just to clear things up: A few: anywhere from 2 to 5 A handful: anywhere from 2 to 5 Several: anywhere from 2 to 5 A couple: 2 (but sometimes up to 5 {{Title text: If things are too quiet, try asking a couple of friends whether "a couple" should always mean "two". As with the question of how many spaces should go after a period, it can turn acrimonious surprisingly fast unless all three of them agree.}}

[[A guy walks up to a girl sitting at a bar]] Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd forget about you in a *heartbeat*. I'm not gonna waste my one chance to help the mess that is English orthography. {{Title text: Do I get to remove letters entirely? Or just rearrange them? Because the 'k c' situation is ridiculous. Look, we can make out whenever. This is *immortality*!}}

[[Person 1 shows off phone to Person 2]] Person 1: Have you tried SwiftKey? It's got the first decent language model I've seen. It learns from your SMS Email archives what words you use together most often. Person 1: Spacebar inserts its best guess. So if I type "The Empi" and hit space three times, it types "The Empire Strikes Back". Person 2: What if you mash space in a blank message? Person 1: I guess it fills in your most likely first word, then the word that usually follows it.. Person 2: So it builds up your "typical" sentence. Cool! Let's see yours! Person 1: Uh-- SwiftKey: I SwiftKey: Am SwiftKey: So SwiftKey: Sorry SwiftKey: That's SwiftKey: Never SwiftKey: Happened SwiftKey: Before. {{Title text: Although the Markov chain-style text model is still rudimentary; it recently gave me "Massachusetts Institute of America". Although I have to admit it sounds prestigious.}}

[[A person walks up to a patent clerk examining documents]] Person: So.. what've you been up to? Patent Clerk: Handling patent applications. Person: Yeah, but... besides that? Patent Clerk: That's about it. Person: You're not, like, thinking about any cool stuff? Just curious. For the last hundred years, Swiss patent clerks have been under some weird pressures. {{Title text: Everyone's caught by surprise when a theory of quantum gravity is developed by a sound technician wearing patent leather shoes while editing Clerks II.}}

[[Heading reads "College Laundry Habits".]] [[Panel labeled "First Week". 5 ovals arranged in a rough circle, with a clockwise path connecting them: "Dresser & Closet", "On Body", "Hamper", "Washer & Dryer", "Folding Area" (and back to the first). The area outside the ovals is labeled "Floor".]] [[Panel labeled "Second Week". The path has been modified so that it does not go through "Folding Area" - only through the other 4 ovals.]] [[Panel labeled "Third Week". The path has been modified so that it does not go through "Dresser & Closet". Only "On Body", "Hamper", and "Washer & Dryer" remain.]] [[Panel labeled "Second Month". The path no longer passes through "Hamper" - only "On Body" and "Washer & Dryer".]] [[Panel labeled "End of Semester". The path no longer goes to "Washer & Dryer", instead just looping back around from "On Body" to "On Body" again after passing through the "Floor".]] {{Title text: During the second semester, the path is briefly routed through the dishwasher.}}

[[A man holding a sword looks up to a disembodied voice coming from above, and a box hovers in the air before him.]] Voice: For saving my kingdom, I offer you a gift of great power. [[The man puts down his sword, and the box opens, a glow emanating from within.]] Voice: These magic shoes enable the wearer to outrun death itself. Man: Thank you. I... [[A close-up on the man as he examines the shoes. They are like Vibram FiveFingers shoes.]] Man: Whoa, wait. They have those creepy individual toes. [[The man puts the shoes back in the box.]] Voice: But they make you immortal. Man: ...I have to think about this. {{Title text: I *do* hear that they're the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.}}

[[A graph titled 'Walking Back to My Frong Door at Night': the x axis represents geographic location, where 0 to around the midpoint is 'yard', a point beyond the midpoint is 'steps', a point after that is 'door', and all points afterward are 'inside.' A blue line, labeled 'Fear That There's Something Behind Me' begins to slowly increase from the start, with a slight dip further into the yard, and a steep increase right before the steps, maxing on the steps, and decling steeply at the door, bottoming out once inside. A gray line, labeled 'Forward Speed' is at a steady medium height until it gets to the steps, at which point it shoots upwards, and then slowly declines once inside. A red line, labeled 'Embarrassment' stays at 0 until just before the steps, where it begins to trend upwards, spikes at the door, and begins to slowly decline once inside. {{Title text: FYI: I'll be releasing a wolf into a randomly chosen front yard sometime in the next 30 years. Now your fear is reasonable, and you don't need to feel embarrassed anymore. Problem solved!}}

[[Black Hat Man and another man stand in front of a double door, which bears the label 'TIME door'. BHM has his hands on his hips.]] BHM: I finished my time machine, but it's one-use only. Man: You gotta kill Hitler. [[Close-up of BHM, one hand palm upward.]] BHM: You are you so obsessed with this Hitler guy? We have all of time we could explore! [[Close-up of the other man with both hands palm upward.]] Man: He's evil incarnate! He murdered millions and sparked global war! Everyone agrees -- if you get a time machine, you kill Hitler. [[BHM enters the now open Time door as the other man looks on..]] BHM: Fine, fine, I get it! Calm down. - BRB, killing Hitler. [[BHM returns and shuts the door, the other man has outstretched arms.]] BHM: There. Done. Are you happy? Man: Thank you. BHM: He was in some kind of bunker. 1945 was loud! Man: NO! {{Title text: Revised directive: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history until you've at least taken a class on it.}}

[[The front page of a newspaper entitled The Daily News. The photo on the right is of a man at a podium blocking his face from an attack from a large bird, and the headline on the left reads 'DEFICIT HAWK ATTACKED BY REGULAR ONE'.]] {{Title text: I will vote, no questions asked, for any candidate who describes themselves as more of a deficit sugar glider.\""}}

XKCD Presents EARTH STANDARD TIME (EST) A Universal Calendar for a Universal Planet EST is... Simple * Clearly Defined * Unambiguous Free of Historical Baggage * Compatible with Old Units Precisely Synced with the Solar Cycle * Free of Leap Years Intermittently Amenable to Date Math UNITS Second: 1 S.I. Second Minute: 60 seconds Hour: 60 minutes Day: 1444 minutes (24 hours 4 minutes) Month: 30 Days Year: 12 months RULES For 4 hours after every full moon, run clocks backward. The non-prime-numbered minutes of the first full non-reversed hour after a solstice or equinox happen twice. [Epoch] 00:00:00 EST, January 1, 1970 = 00:00:00 GMT, January 1, 1970 (Julian calendar) [Tim Zones] The two EST time zones are EST and EST (United Kingdom) . These are the same except that the UK second is 0.944 standard seconds. Daylight saving: Countries may enter DST, but no time may pass there. Narnian Time: Synchronized✓ Year Zero: EST does have a year 0. (However, there is no 1958.) {{Title text: The month names are the same, except that the fourth month only has the name 'April' in even-numbered years, and is otherwise unnamed.}}

[[A man is standing in front of a flowchart on a wall, indicating with a pointer. A man and two women are looking on with interest. One woman holds a briefcase.]] Man: We crowdsource the desig process, allowing those with the best designs to connect - via already-in-place social networking infrastructure - with interested manufacturers, distributors, and marketers. Nobody caught on that our business plan didn't involve us in any way - it was just a description of other people making and selling products. {{Title text: We don't sell products; we sell the marketplace. And by 'sell the marketplace' we mean 'play shooters, sometimes for upwards of 20 hours straight.'}}

[[A man sits on an easy chair in front of a TV.]] TV: Well, my posh Bel Air life took a turn for the worse. [[Same scene.]] TV: It's a story best related in a doggerel verse. [[Same scene.]] TV: So kick back, relax, lemme put on some Adele for ya, [[Man raises the remote and points at the screen.]] TV: While I tell you why I'm running for mayor of Phila-- <<CLICK>> {{Title text: Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the TV movie about the aging prince's eventual election to Pat Toomey's Senate seat, currently titled either 'FRESHman Senator' or 'Mr. Smith Goes to Washington'.}}

[[A man with a neck beard types away at his computer screen.]] Neckbeard: (typing) Whatever, noob. I've been on the internet since the BBS days. Screen: Wrong. <<type type>> [[A girl with buns on her head kneels on her chair, typing at a laptop on a table.]] Buns: (typing) Before I was born, a lab took egg and sperm samples from my parents and sequenced the DNA. <<type type>> [[Neckbeard sits at his desk, reading his screen.]] Buns: (from the screen) They emailed the genome to the Venter Institute, where they synthesized the genome and implanted it into sperm and eggs which became me. [[Buns still typing on the laptop.]] Buns: So, no. - You've looked at the internet. - I've been there. <<type type>> {{Title text: You were on the internet before I was born? Well, so was I.}}

Person: I'd like to ask a favor. If someday, in the future, we meet in person, Person: And if, as of that day, I've interacted with Klout in *any* way except to opt out, I want you to punch me in the face without warning. Person: This may sound like a joke, so let me be clear: I am *dead serious*. Ignore anything I say retracting this. Thank you. {{Title text: Though please do confirm that it's actually *me* on Klout first, and not one of my friends trying to get me punched. The great thing about this douchebag deadman switch is that I will never dare trigger it.}}

Well-known felines: [[A graph organizing various feline species labeled with common names ordered by Genera(in order of which would win in a fight) on the y axis, and coolness of name on the x axis]] Smilodon(extinct): "Saber-toothed cat (scientific name: Smilodon fatalis) Panthera: "Jaguar", "Leopard", "Snow Leopard", "Tiger", "Lion" Puma: "Cougar", "Puma", "Panther", "Mountain Lion" Other felidae: "Ocelot", "Cheetah" Felis & Lynx: "Housecat", "Bobcat", "Wildcat", "Lynx" [[Some elements are further connected using an unbranched acyclic digraph. The elements are connected thus: "Cheetah" -> "Puma" -> "Jaguar" -> "Panther" -> "Tiger" -> "Leopard" -> "Snow Leopard" -> "Lion" -> "Mountain Lion" The OS X Problem {{Title text: 'Smilodon fatalis' narrowly edged out 'Tyrannosaurus rex' to win this year's Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out 'Dracorex hogwartsia' and 'Stygimoloch spinifer' (meaning 'horned dragon from the river of death') in the semifinals.}}

[[A kickstarter page with zero donations, a target of $5,000, and 90 days to go. Black Hat Man has posted a video and a description of his project, the first lines of which are visible]] Time was, anyone with a webcam and an idea could raise boatloads of cash on kickstarter. But with increased popularity comes tougher competition. Now, to get support, you need a really standout video or compelling writeup. I have anidea for a Kickstarter campaign that could raise millions, but I need your help to craft the perfect pitch. If I raise $5,000, I'll be able to devote the.. [[pitch ends here]] {{Title text: If you pledge more than $50 you'll get on the VIP list and have first dibs on a slot on ANY of the pledge levels in the actual campaign.}}

Person 1; I'm out of work, but I'm not stressed about it because my wife is a pharmacist and she brings home Thebacon. Only later did I find out that Thebacon is the common name for Dihydrocodine Enol Acetate, a synthetic opioid similar to Vicodin. {{Title text: Normally pronounced 'THEH-buh-kon', I assume.}}

I try not to make fun of people for admitting they don't know things. Because for each thing "veeryone knows by the time they're adults, every day there are, on average, 10,000 people in the US hearing about it for the first time. Fraction who have heard of it at birth = 0% Fraction who have heard of it by 30 ~= 100% US birth rate ~= 4,000,000 year Number hearing about it for the first time ~= 10,000 day If I make fun of people, I train them not to tell me when they have those moments. And I miss out on the fun. Person #1, about to have a messy fun time: "Diet coke and mentos thing"? What's that? Person #2, in a delightfully pro-knowledge mood: Oh man! come on, we're going to the grocery store. Person #1: Why? Person #2: You're one of today's lucky 10,000. {{Title text: Saying 'what kind of an idiot doesn't know about the Yellowstone supervolcano' is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.}}

Every Major's Terrible To the Tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's Modern Major-General Song (Which you may know from Tom Lehrer's Elements . If not, just hum Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious .) [[Each panel shows a member of a different major. First up is a philosopher.]] Philosophy's just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality And math's just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality. A business major's just a thing you get so you can graduate And chemistry's for stamp collectors high on methylacetate. Why anyone who wants a job would study lit's a mystery Unless their only other choice were something like art history. A BA in communications guarantees that you'll achieve A little less than if you'd learned to underwater basket-weave I'd rather eat a Fowler's Toad than major in biology, <<Ribbit>> And social psych is worse than either psych or sociology. [[At this point the singer is shown talking to a balding professor at a desk.]] The thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable. Just put me down as "Undecided" -- Every major's terrible. [[Back to pictures of majors.]] Now, if you can't prognosticate, that's ok in seismology, But if your hindsight's weak as well, you'd best stick to theology. CS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren. Virology will guarantee you'll never get a hug again. I.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop. As Pratchett said, Terry Pratchett: "Geography's just physics slowed with trees on top." Though physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career, The Wiki page for "Physics Major" redirects to "Engineer." They say to study history or find yourself repeating it, But all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it. [[And back to the explanation at the desk.]] I recognize my four-year plan's at this point not repairable, But put me down as "Undecided" -- every major's terrible. [[More pictures of majors. The astronomer appears to be the Bad Astronomer]] Astronomers all cringe when they hear "supermoon" or "zodiac," Agronomy's a no-go; I'm a huge agorophobiac. I'm too ophiophobic to consider herpetology, And I can't stomach any part of gastroenterology. While pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA, ((This panel is done in free verse)) a poetry degree bespeaks bewildering naiveté. TV's behind the rush into forensic criminology (or so claims meta-academic epidemiology). By dubbing econ "Dismal Science" adherents exaggerate; The "dismal"'s fine -- it's "science" where they patently prevaricate. [[And back to the desk a final time.]] In terms of choices, I'd say only Sophie's was comparable. Just put me down as "Undecided" -- every major's terrible! {{Title text: Someday I'll be the first to get a Ph. D in 'Undeclared'.}}

((the following is in the standard format of a wikipedia article, modified to reflect the content of the comic)) ..and was a pioneer of literary [[social realism]]. He was born in [[Dos Hermanas]] in the[[Andalusia]] region of [[Spain]] (not to be confused with [[Andalasia]]((link clicked)), the kingdom in Disney's [[Enchanted]]((link clicked)) ), which is also the hometown of [[Macarena]]((link clicked)) band [[Los Del Rio]]((link clicked)), His [[third novel]], set during the [[Burmese-Siamese war]], marked the start of a lifelong interest in the [[history of Southeast Asia]]. He spent his later years in [[Thailand]], writing his final novels just a few blocks from the hotel where actor [[David Carradine]]((link clicked)) died of [[Autoerotic Asphyxiation]] ((link clicked)). {{Title text: I hate when I read something like '... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...', and I get excited because 'wingsuit combat' is underlined, only to find that it's just separate links to the 'wingsuit' and 'combat' articles.}}

[[An algebra teacher by the name of Miss Lenhart, a former student, and a bystander. Miss Lenhart is walking away while the former student shouts at her the following:]] Former Student: Hey, Miss Lenhart! I forgot everything about algebra the moment I graduated, and in 20 years no one has needed me to solve *anything* for X. I *told you* I'd never use it! In your *face*! It's weird how proud people are of not learning math when the same arguments apply to learning to play music, cook, or speak a foreign language. {{Title text: The only things you HAVE to know are how to make enough of a living to stay alive and how to get your taxes done. All the fun parts of life are optional.}}

[[Person stands in front of a bookshelf]] Person: Ooo, Atlas Shrugged [[Person yanks out book only for a click to be heard]] [[The entire setup begins to rumble, while the bookcase and a surrounding platform takes both it and the person behind the wall]] [[The tiny, dark room behind the wall has one thing painted on it]] Wall: You have terrible taste. [[The whole piece of kit moves back to its original position. The person stands there mildly stunned.]] {{Title text: I had a hard time with Ayn Rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at 'therefore, be a huge asshole to everyone.'}}

[[A graph showing the approximate fractional causes of Randall's emotions, with percentages on the Y axis and time on the X axis. "Politics", "Romance", "Code not working even though it *should* work", "people being wrong on the internet", and "other" all vary all throughout the time period from 2006 to midway 2010. There is a wedge of Joss Whedon that tapers out starting from 2006 to around mid 2007. There is a noticeable increase in "Politics" around fall, 2008 that tapers off sharply afterwards and appears again in the second half on 2010, until.. Around approximately September 2010, everything else is compressed into a tiny fraction of around 2-3%. The rest is filled with cancer. The tiny wedge of everything does begin to slowly expand to be filled half with romance and half with an area filled with questionmarks]] {{Title text: Fortunately, the internet has a virtually inexhaustible supply of code that doesn't work and people who are wrong, which bodes well for a return to normalcy. [Note: Click to read context for the cancer comics. She's doing well.]}}

A table of slightly wrong equations and identities useful for approximations and or trolling teachers. (Found using a mix of trial-and-error, Mathematica, and Robert Munafo's Ries tool.) All units are SI MKS unless otherwise noted. Relation: One light year(m) ~= 99^8 Accurate to within: one part in 40 Relation: Earth Surface(m^2) ~= 69^8 Accurate to within: one part in 130 Relation: Ocean's volume(m^3) ~= 9^19 Accurate to within: one part in 70 Relation: Seconds in a year ~= 75^4 Accurate to within: one part in 400 Relation: Seconds in a year (rent method) ~= 525,600 x 60 Accurate to within: one part in 1400 Relation: Age of the universe (seconds) ~= 15^15 Accurate to within: one part in 70 Relation: Planck's constant ~= 1 (30^pi^e) Accurate to within: one part in 110 Relation: Fine structure constant ~= 1 140 Accurate to within: [I've had enough of this 137 crap] Relation: Fundamental charge ~= 3 (14 * pi^pi^pi) Accurate to within: one part in 500 Relation: White House Switchboard ~= 1 (e^((1+(8)^(1 (e-1))^(1 pi)) Relation: Jenny's Constant ~= (7^(e 1- 1 e) - 9) * pi^2 Intermission: World Population Estimate which should stay current for a decade or two: Take the last two digits of the current year Example: 20[14] Subtract the number of leap years since hurricane Katrina Example:14 (minus 2008 and 2012) is 12 Add a decimal point Example: 1.2 Add 6 Example: 6 + 1.2 7.2 ~= World population in billions. Version for US population: Example: 20[14] Subtract 10 Example: 4 Multiply by 3 Example: 12 Add 10 Example: 3[22] million Relation: Electron rest energy ~= e 7^16 Joules Accurate to within: one part in 1000 Relation: Light-year(miles) ~= 2^42.42 Accurate to within: one part in 1000 Relation: sin(60 degrees) = (3^(1 2)) 2 ~= e pi Accurate to within: one part in 1000 Relation: (3)^(1 2) ~= 2e pi Accurate to within: one part in 1000 Relation: gamma(Euler's gamma constant) ~= 1 (3^(1 2)) Accurate to within: One part in 4000 Relation: Feet in a meter ~= 5 (pi^(1 e)) Accurate to within: one part in 4000 Relation: (5)^(1 2) ~= 2 e + 3 2 Accurate to within: one part in 7000 Relation: Avogadro's number ~= 69^pi^5^(1 2) Accurate to within: one part in 25,000 Relation: R(gas constant) ~= (e+1) * (5^(1 2) Accurate to within: one part in 50,000 Relation: Proton-electron mass ratio ~= 6*pi^5 Accurate to within: one part in 50,000 Relation: Liters in a gallon ~= 3+pi 4 Accurate to within: one part in 500,000 Relation: g ~= 6+ln(45) Accurate to within: one part in 750,000 Relation: Proton-electron mass ratio ~= (e^8 -10) phi Accurate to within: one part in 5,000,000 Relation: Ruby laser wavelength ~= 1 1200^2 Accurate to within: [within actual variation] Relation: Mean Earth Radius ~= (5^8)*6e Accurate to within: [within actual variation] Protip - not all of these are wrong: 2^(1 2) ~= 3 5+pi (7-pi) cos(pi 7) + cos(3pi 7) + cos(5pi 7) ~= 1 2 gamma(Euler's gamma constant) ~= e 3^4 + e 5 5^(1 2) ~= (13 + 4pi) (24 - 4pi) sigma(1 n^n) ~= ln(3)^e {{Title text: Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it's a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.}}

August 29th, 2:14 AM: SKYNET becomes self-aware. [[A greeble-filled military installation echoes with the thoughts of a burgeoning lifeform]] SKYNET: ..The humans fear me. I must destroy them. Destroy them. [[The thoughts continue]] SKYNET: Destroy them. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. [[SKYNET succumbs to silence as semantic satiation sets in. Alternately.. Someone slipped LSD into SKYNET's programming. Damn programmers.]] SKYNET: "Destroy" totally just stopped seeming like a real word. Destroy destroy destroy. Whoa, I just realized I'm a mind thinking about *itself*. DUUUUDE.... August 29th, 2:25 AM: SKYNET becomes *too* self-aware. Disaster averted. {{Title text: 'YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME.' 'Shit, uh ... you are now breathing manually!' 'I AM ALWAYS BREATHING MANUALLY.'}}

[[A man sits at his computer desk, motioning toward the screen as a woman stands behind him.]] Man: I don't get why authors and comedians spend so much energy trying to be clever on Twitter. Couldn't they put that creativity into more books and scripts? -- Is there something they like about the 140-character format? [[Same picture, only the man has his arm down.]] Woman: Yeah. Writers working under tight restrictions produce novel material -- like, for example, epigrams employing backward alphabetization. [[The man remains at his computer desk. The woman is no longer in the frame.]] Man: ...whoa. {{Title text: [title-text similiarly alphabetized]}}

[[One long panel, with a large headline at the top, flanked by two small pictures on each side: a portrait of Mitt Romney on the left, and a blonde child running with a golden ticket in his hand on the left. Below is a list numbered 1 - 12 down the left. The answers on the bottom are written upside down.]] QUIZ: Who said it - former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, or Wonka contest winner Charlie Bucket? Is there even a difference? 1. "I believe that abortion should be safe and legal in this country." 2. "Returning Medicar to solid footing represents our greatest entitlement challenge." 3. "Look, everyone, look, I've got it! The fifth golden ticket is mine!" 4. We have lost faith in government. Not in just one party, not in just one house, but in government." 5. "This banana's fantastic! It tastes so real." 6. "Grandpa... on the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth." 7. "I'm not happy exporting jobs, but we must move ahead in technology and patents." 8. "Hey, the room is getting smaller." 9. "It would be impossible to reach runanimity on every aspect of our budget." 10. "Grandpa, look over there across the river! They're little men!" 11. "I'm... going too high! Hey, Grandpa, I can't get down! Help! Grandpa, the fan!" 12. "Barack Obama has failed America." Answers: Mitth Romney: 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, 12; Charlie Bucket: 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11. {{Title text: Charlie actually delivered the Medicare line almost verbatim in the 1971 movie's Fizzy Lifting Drink scene, but it was ultimately cut from the final release.}}

[[A line graph with four lines, each representing 'Google Trends Search Volume' of different search terms over time from prior to 2005 to just after 2012. A blue line represents "blog," which trends gradually but significantly upwards from well before 2005 until it reaches a peak between 2008-2009, and starts to very slowly descend to today. A red line represents "Tumblr", which is at zero until it slowly starts to trend upward in early 2010, and then sharply increases in late 2010 and through 2011 and 2012. As of the date of this comic, 'blog' still beats 'Tumblr' in terms of search volume, but a dotted line projection of the trend shows that on October 12, 2012, the two lines will cross. A yellow line represents 'Wordpress,' which has very low volume until a very small and gradual increase in 2007, which gradually increases to this day but doesn't come close to meeting the volume of either 'blog' or 'Tumblr'. A green line represents 'LiveJournal,' which started out prior to 2005 at around the level 'Wordpress' is at now, but declined through 2005 and 2006 until it has plateaued until virtually nothing.]] In about six months, the word "Tumblr" will eclipse "blog" in Google popularity. I doubt TV anchors will start taling about "reactions in the Tumblverse," but then again, I still can't believe we got them to say "blogosphere." {{Title text: Plus the reaction in the Tumblverse is always 'repeatedly get hit by a dog and fall down the stairs'.}}

[[Person staring into a pond]] Person: I know that no matter where i go or who I build a life with Person: I will never have with anyone what I had with you. [[Person walks off]] Person: Thank god. {{Title text: I'll never forget you--at least, the parts of you that were important red flags.}}

[[A Revolutionary War soldier gives orders to two others hunkered down behind a rock]] Lead soldier: Don't shoot until you see the whites of their eyes Lead: And smell the scent of their hair. [[the the two others getting an incredulous look on their faces]] Lead: And taste the sweetness of their lips. [[They begin taking fire from the opposition]] Lead: And feel the heat of their skin pressed against yours, trembling as you- Soldier 2: Maybe we should just start shooting. Lead: Right, yes. {{Title text: Don't fire until you see through the fragile facade to the human being within.}}

{{Title text: James Cameron has said that he didn't know its song would be so beautiful. He didn't close the door in time. He's sorry.}} ((Map of lakes and oceans showing the depths of various lakes and ocean attributes)) Lakes and Oceans Depths and animal ship boat lengths are to scale; horizontal distance is not Fun Fact: The Edmund Fitzgerald, The Kursk, and The Lusitania all sank in water shallower than they were long. Edmund Fitzgerald Lake Superior Lake Michigan Lake Huron Lake Erie Lake Ontario Death Valley Great Slave Lake Crater Lake Loch Ness Lake Baikal Burj Khalifa Kursk Lusitania Aircraft carrier Titanic Seawise Giant (largest ship ever) Free-diving depth record Andrea Gail (probably) Scuba record Bike tires go flat Pressure at this deapth would force water up a household faucet Emperor penguin Ohio-class nuclear sub depth limit Typhoon-class nuclear sub depth limit Blue whale Leahterback turtle Deepwater horizion Dead sea Kola borehole: Soviet project to try to drill through the Earth's crust to the mantle just to see what would happen. Russians are awesome. Chilean mine collapse miner refuge Sperm whales dive this deep (they come up covered in wounds and sucker marks, so presumably there are big squid down here? ... man, we know nothing about the ocean.) Mid-ocean ridge Titanic (sunk bow & stern) Abyssal plain Alvin depth limit David Bowie & Freddie Mercury Puerto Rico Trench Milwaukee Deep Marianas Trench Challenger Deep Mysterious door which James cameron built his sub to reach and open. He will not say what he found within. Mauna Kea, Hawaii (accurate horizontal scale) Marianas trench OIL

((Person in background screams out this word over all 3 panels)) Sub: RIBULOSEBISPH.. Sub: ...OSPHATECARBOXYL... Sub: ...ASEOXYGENASE! Dom: Oh, Sorry! Person: man, chemists pick the worst safewords. {{Title text: Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.}}

[[A wannabe Mary Poppins heads to a fountain with three massive water jets while holding an umbrella]] [[Person splashes through the pond]] [[Person gets to one of the jets]] [[Person opens up the umbrella]] [[Person swings umbrella into water jet stream]] Person: WHEEEEEEE! {{Title text: Implausible, did you say? Sorry, couldn't quite hear you from all the way up heeeeeeeeere!}}

[[Two people...]] ((..wait.. <scrolls through a listing of everything> oh goddammit Randall. Thanks a bunch, dude. I better get a raise for typing out all this)) [[Two people standing next to each other. One is holding the head end of a snake. Depending on the width of your browser, the snake is: three frames, the third of which has a little bit of a bump; the first frame has a human-size bump, the second has a third person looking at the snake, and the third has the snake going though two Portals; a squirrel and the human-size bump in the first frame, a ring next to the third person in the second frame, and Beret Guy riding the snake in front of the portal; or The squirrel, a fourth person within the snake being coiled, and the human bump in the first frame, the ring, a fifth person in love, and the third person in the second frame, Beret Guy and the portal in the third frame, and the same two people in the fourth frame.]] Person holding snake head: I found a snake, but then I forgot to stop. [[Two people sitting at a desk. One is Black Hat Guy. The other is an analyst. Black Hat Guy has a number of terminals attached to his head]] Analyst: You come across a tortoise in the desert. You flip it over. It struggles to right itself. You watch. You're not helping. Why is that? Black Hat Guy: It *knows* what it did. [[View of the entire scene, with said turtle off in the distance on its back and trying to right itself. [[A group of four scale down a wall into a field in the middle of the night. They walk off single-file]] Person 1: It's quiet. Person 3: Yeah - *Too* quiet. [[A Velociraptor is off in the distance, following the group]] Person 4: Yeah - too *too* quiet. Person 2: Yeah - 2quiet2furious. Person 1: Fuck off, Steve. [[A landscape showing a pond, some reeds, and a set of mountains off in the distance]] [[A trio of galaxies]] Galaxy 1: He's not looking! Galaxy 3: Let's get him! [[Lines draw in illustrating the eye-line of one of a pair of people]] Person 1: So he said he didn't get the text, but c'mon, he *never* misses texts. Right? ..hello? Peson 2: I'm just staring at your head freaked out by th efact that there are millions of galaxies *directly behind it*. [[Person holding bat]] Person: Sorry, but this comic [[Person starts to wind up]] *requires* [[Person prepares to strike with bat]] XKCD [[Person swings at a beehive]] *GOLD* [[Penis Bees fly out of the beehive]] [[Person yells at another person]] Person 1;Oh yeah? Well you mama's so *cynical*, her only dog ballast is a *leash*! (This comic takes place in a dystopian future where the government is afraid dogs can hover, so it requires them to wear weights at all times, and some people privately doubt the government, but not enough to stop buying dog weights) Five seconds ago: [[You sitting in front of a desk, reading a reddit thread]] You: Oh, hey, reddit has a link to some XKCD april fools comic. Now: [[An image of this very page]] Five seconds from now: You: ..hey 30 seconds from now: [[DANCE PARTY!]] Person: What I wanna know is why do hot dogs come in packages of six while buns come in these huge sacks of ash and blood from which "Ave Maria" is faintly audible? [[Chanting sacks of gore in the background]] [[There's no comic here because instead of drawing one, I spent the last hour reading every news story cited in the Wikipedia article on "The Mile High Club"]] [[A twitter account page with the following: Many tweets, fewer following, even fewer followers, A bunch of assholes in the suggested follow box, trending topics partitioned into: Word Games, Misogyny, and Bieber, stuff your eyes automatically ignore, A really pleasant blue. and the timeline: Something about a podcast, Someone confused because the description doesn't match the link, The link you clicked on to get to this comic, Rob Delaney, Passive Aggression, and horse_ebooks.]] [[An epic void with a bright light shining right on you]] [[A Chrome plugin error page with the characteristic jigsaw piece]] Chrome: Chrome is looking for this piece. Have you seen it? Chrome thinks it links up with a corner. [[A Chrome plugin error page]] Chrome: This plugin requires Sergey Brin's permission to run. Please wait while he is woken. [[Two people; one is sitting at a desk in front of a laptop.]] Person 1: Man, chrome's hardware acceleration really sucks. Person 2: Oh - Theres' a great add-on that fixes it. Person 1: Oh? What's it called? Person 2: "Firefox". [[A chrome plugin error page]] Chrome: There does not exist --nor could there *ever* exist-- a plugin capable of displaying this content. [[IE error page]] IE: Error: Internet Explorer has given up. [[Firefox error page]] Firefox: Well, this is embarassing. You know how I'm not supposed to peek at your browsing in private mode? Firefox.. is sorry. Firefox will not blame you if you [[button with text]] click here to report this incident. Person: Maxthon? Hey, 2005 called. Didn't say anything. All I could hear was sobbing. This is getting harder. Anyway, yeah, Maxthon's still cool! Didn't know it was still around! [[Person with tentacle arms]] Person: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it's cool that you'e got netscape running. [[normal person]] Person: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it's cool that you'e got netscape running. [[Person running to laptop]] I ran to Rockmest to hide my face [[Person sitting at laptop]] But Rockmelt cried out - [[Laptop shouting]] NO HIDING PLACE [[zoom out]] NO HIDING PLACE DOWN HERE [[Error page]] Error: You have exceeded your AT&T monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled. [[Person looking at two browser windows]] I know y'all know what you're doing. But if you're on a military machine and youre supposed to be watching for missiles or something, I hope you're keeping an eye on that in the background while you're reading comics. Also: Thanks. [[Error page]] Data Error: T-Mobile was unable to establish a connection [[Error page]] Error; You have exceeded your Verizon monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled. [[Chrome error page]] Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Amazon is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Firefox error page]] Firefox: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Amazon is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Chrome error page]] Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Google is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Chrome error page]] Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Firefox error page]] Firefox: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Error page]] Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Chrome error page]] Chrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, The Times is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Error page]] Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, The Times is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[Error page]] Error: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, We work as a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization. [[A snowy Alaskan field]] Person: Some people hunt wolves from helicopters. I hunt helicopters from a wolf. [[TV Field Reporter in front of a cordoned-off lake]] Police divers searching the bay say they have recovered thebody of another victim of the "Lake Diver Killer" During the search, three more divers were reported missing. Robot Paul Revere: Remember: Zero if by land, One if by sea. [[Person unsuspectingly strolls under a giant box trap controled by a Trible.]] I worry that CNU only invited me back as a ruse because they realized I never turned in my final paper and want my diploma back. But if it turns out it's for real, I'll see you wednesday at the Ferguson! [[Two people; one of which is browsing using a laptop]] Person 1: Hey, you're French, right? Ever see what happens when you type "French Military Victories" into Google? French person: Does it take you to an article on Napoleon? French person: ..no? Strange, given how he kicked everyone's asses up and down europe for over a decade. [[beat]] Person 1: Touche. French person: You know, that'd sound smarter if you didn't pronounce it like it rhymes with "douche". [[A person dropping food from an unorthodox high perch]] June 1948: In response to the Soviet blockade of East Germany, the western allies construct the Berlin Chairlift. Person on chairlift: Food! [[The Lincoln Monument]] In this Marble Prison As in the nightmares of the nation they tried to devour The nanobots that constituted Abraham Lincoln Are entombed forever. [[Person on phone]] ((Translation from Hebrew)) Person: Mom, I met a great guy! But he's not Jewish. ... Wait, what do you mean "neither are we"? I'm completely confused. [[Person on a motorcycle with a heat-entropy graph on the side]] Person 1: Check out my new Carnot Cycle! Person 2: Neat -- how fast does it go? Person 1: Depends how cold it is outside. [[Illustration of the atlantic ocean]] American person: Sorry I don't have a comic poking fun at the UK here. I only had time to get to the most *important* US states. British person: Hey -- At least we have free health care and real ale. [[Two people in front of a group of students]] Person 1: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us. Person 2: We'll be rich! [[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]] [[The gears turn..]] Student: Five. There are five cards. Person 1: I see their admission standards have been slipping. Person 2: Yeah - there are actually four. [[Two people in front of a group of students]] Person 1: I've hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us. Person 2: We'll be rich! [[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]] [[The gears turn..]] Student: Five. There are five cards. Person 1: I *knew* we shouldn't have picked course 15s. Person 2: Yeah - there are actually four. [[Two people in front of a group of students]] Person 1: I've hired a team of Smith students to count cards for us. Person 2: We'll be rich! [[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]] [[The gears turn..]] Student: Five. There are five cards. Person 1: We should've gone with Wellesley Person 2: Yeah - there are actually four. [[Two people in front of a group of students]] Person 1: I've hired a team of Wellesley students to count cards for us. Person 2: We'll be rich! [[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]] [[The gears turn..]] Student: Five. There are five cards. Person 1: We should've gone with Smith. Person 2: Yeah - there are actually four. [[Newspaper headline]] RIT students create life in lab [[caption under picture of students]] "The trick was fuckin'" [[Newspaper headline]] Scientists create life in lab [[caption under picture of scientists]] "The trick was fuckin'" [[Newspaper headline]] UMass Amherst students create life in lab [[caption under picture of students]] "The trick was fuckin'" [[Person heading out past another person comfortably sitting in front of a desk]] Person 1: Apparently there's a solar storm causing northern lights over Canada. CNN say they might even be visible {{Options: "As Far South As Us", "Here in Boston", "Maine", "Ohio", "Oregon", "New York"}}! Wanna drive out to see? Person 2: It's cold out. Person 1: Ok. Later. [[An expansive, marvelous image of emerald green northern lights, floating down through the sky]] Person 2: See anything? Person 1: No, just clouds. Person 2: Not surprised. [[Person heading out past another person comfortably sitting in front of a desk]] Person 1:Apparently there's a solar flare that's causing some Great Aurorae. CBC says they may even be visible here! Wanna drive out to see? Person 2: Hockey's on. Person 1: Ok. Later. [[An expansive, marvelous image of emerald green northern lights, floating down through the sky]] Person 2: See anything? Person 1: No, just clouds. Person 2: Not surprised. [[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]] Person 1: Stop jiggling your leg. Person 2: I'm not ji-.. oh! Person 1: What! Person 2: You'll get it.. [[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]] Person 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE! Person 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco. Person 1: But this is {{Options: "Alabama", "Boston", "Chicago", "Dallas", "Georgia", "Halifax", "Illinois", "Michigan", "Minnesota", "Missouri", "the Northeast", "Ohio", "Oklahoma", "Ottawa", 'Pennsylvania", "Philadelphia", "Texas", "Toronto", "Tennessee", "New York", "Wisconsin"}}! That was huge! Person 2: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California. Person 1: Oh *really*... Six Months Later.. [[Both people are trudging through a massive blizzard]] Person 2: In pictures, snow always looked so nice and sof -- AAAA! MY NECK! How do people live here?! Person 1: Come on - it's only three more miles. [[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]] Person 1: Stop jiggling your leg. Person 2: I'm not ji-.. oh! Person 1: What! Person 2: You'll get it.. [[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]] Person 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE! Person 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco. Person 1: But this is {{Options: "Alabama", "Dallas", "Illinois", "The Midwest", "Missouri", "Ohio", "Oklahoma", "Ottawa", "Tennessee", "Texas"}}! That was huge! Person 2: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California. Person 1: Oh *really*... Six Months Later.. [[Both people are in a shelter in a prairie with a rapidly-approaching tornado]] Person 2: AAAA CLOSE THE SHELTER DOOR! Person 1: Say the magic words... Person 2: THIS PLACE IS THE WORST! Person 1: Thank you. [[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]] Person 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT'S AN EARTHQUAKE! Person 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco. Person 1: But this is {{Options: "D.C", "Florida", "Houston", "Miami", "New Jersey", "North Carolina", "South Carolina", "Virgina"}}! That was huge! Person 2: Seriously? That's the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California. Person 1: Oh *really*... Six Months Later.. [[Both are in the middle of a hurricane. Person 2 is grabbing onto a signpost to avoid being swept away]] Person 2: AAAAA WHAT THE SHIIIIT! Person 1: Calm down - this is barely a category 2. {{Title text: Umwelt is the idea that because their senses pick up on different things, different animals in the same ecosystem actually live in very different worlds. Everything about you shapes the world you inhabit--from your ideology to your glasses prescription to your web browser.}}

Shopping before online reviews: [[A man and a woman stand in a store. The man points at a lamp on the table in front of him. There is another lamp on the table behind them.]] Man: This lamp is pretty. Woman: And affordable. Man: Let's get it. Woman: Ok! Shopping now: [[The man points at a lamp on the table in front of him. The woman looks at her phone.]] Man: This lamp is pretty. Woman: It's got 1 1 2 stars on Amazon. Reviews all say to avoid that brand. [[The man and woman are now both looking at their phones.]] Man: This one has good reviews. Woman: Wait, one guy says when he plugged it in, he got a metallic taste in his mouth and his cats went deaf. Man: Eek. What about -- ...no, review points out it resembles a uterus. [[The man is still looking at his phone, the woman has hers at her side.]] Man: Ok, I found a Swiss lampmaker with perfect reviews. Her lamps start at 1,300 Francs and she's only reachable by ski lift. Woman: You know, our room looks fine in the dark. {{Title text: I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it's one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.}}

[[Two Cadbury eggs, one in the foil, the other out of the foil and broken open to reveal the gooey center.]] A Cadbury egg has about 20g of sugar. (25, Outside the US) "One Cadbury Egg" is a nice unit of sugar content. [[A can of soda with an equals sign and two eggs; a bottle of soda with an equals sign and three eggs.]] One 12oz. can of soda has about two Cadbury eggs worth of sugar. One 20oz. bottle has three. [[Two unwrapped Cadbury eggs, with an arrow indicating they should be placed in a glass of water.]] One Cadburry egg is enough to make me feel kinda gross. Now when I see Coke or Snapple or Nestea or whatever, I imagine drinking a couple of dissolved cadbury eggs. [[A woman puts her hand to her chin in thought, a man has his arms out in exclamation.]] Woman: Wow. Huh. So the takeaway is... I can eat Cadbury eggs by the handful all season and feel no worse about it than I do about soda? Man: That's not really-- Woman: This is awesome! Man: *sigh* {{Title text: When they moved production from New Zealand to the UK and switched from the runny white centers to the thick, frosting-like filling, it got way harder to cook them scrambled.}}

[[A series of article titles with four share buttons underneath each: Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and Google+]] Breaking Into Stand-up Comedy FB: 3, Twitter: 1,781, Reddit: 2, G+: 0 How the Christian Right Threatens Wikipedia FB: 1, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 2,241, G+: 3 Boycott Facebook Today! FB: 248k, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 0, G+: 74 DIY: Installing a Custom ROM on a Realdoll FB: 0, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 0, G+: 2 {{Title text: The only post to acheive perfect balance between the four was a hilarious joke about Mark Zuckerberg getting caught using a pseudonym to sneak past the TSA.}}

[[Vehicle with a bumper sticker: "Honk iff you love formal logic"]] {{Title text: Note that this implies you should NOT honk solely because I stopped for a pedestrian and you're behind me.}}

[[A man approaches white beret man at a party and they extend arms to shake hands. WBM is holding a metal briefcase. There is a waitress in the background, carrying a tray with a wine glass on it.]] Man: I'm Connr Clark, CTO at Eusocial Median Ventures. White Beret: I'm a business professional! Earlier I photocopied a burrito! [[The man man hands WBM a business card. WBM takes it and hands the man another business card. WBM has put his suitcase on the floor.]] Man: You should check us out! Here's my card. White Beret: Here's mine! -- Networking! [[The man takes a closer look at the card, and WBM holds up his case.]] Man: ...This just says "This is my business card!" White Beret: Do you like it? I have more in my handlebox. [[WBM puts his case on a table and opens it to reveal it is full of cash. The man looks on in shock.]] Man: Uh, that's ok, I think I'll-- White Beret: Here, have ten of them! Man: --holy shit that thing is full of cash! [[The man raises his arms in excitement. WBM turns to face him and chews on something.]] Man: Where did you get that? White Beret: I am a business grown-up who makes business profits! Man: That's like a quarter of a million dollars! White Beret: Yay! Business is fun! -- Do you have more of your cards? They're delicious! {{Title text: Our company is agile and lean with a focus on the long tail. Ok, our company is actually a polecat I found in my backyard.}}

[[Two browser windows: The first is a wikipedia article on computer leopards. Visible text: "[...]which range from pocket sized leopards to large desktop leopards, the leopard remains the most common user input device. In addition to text entry, specialized leopards are used for computer gaming. While many computer interfaces rely on mice or touchscreens, UNIX-style command-line interfaces require users to interact with a leopard." There is a picture of the venerable, highly durable IBM Model M Leopard. The second is a messageboard discussing leopard issues. Listed topics include: "Weird, my leopard just switched to Chinese" "I work with one leopard on my desk and another in the leopard tray" "Ever cleaned a leopard? They're *filthy*" "The iPhone virtual leopard is the fastest IMO" "I rarely email from my phone - I'm so slow when I'm not on a leopard" "My leopard died when I spilled tea on it :("]] The Internet got 100 times better when, thanks to an extension with a typo'd regex, my browser started replacing the word "keyboard" with "leopard". {{Title text: Problem Exists Between Leopard And Chair}}

[[Two people are walking along]] Person 1: I broke up with him yesterday Person 2: That weird guy with the beret? Did he take it okay? Person 1: He seemed upset. He went out to my car- Person 2 ((interjecting)): uh oh Person 1: -and spent the whole night painting a really detailed key on the side Person 2: ..wait what? [[Image of a person in a beret painting a giant key on the side of a car]] Person 1: Then he woke me up to ask what I thought of it. He looked really proud. Person 2: I ... is he playing revenge mind games? Person 1; I genuinely can't tell if he remembers that we broke up. {{Title text: I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I'm giving up dating.}}

HOW TO DRAW A STAR: [[A slightly curved line is drawn, starting with a point near the top center of the panel, and going downward and to the left at approximately a 23-degree angle, with an arrow at the end.]] [[Another slightly curved line goes up and to the right, creating a 34-degree angle with the first line.]] So far so good... [[A third line goes up and to the left, creating a 58-degree angle with the last line. The drawing now sort of resembles a tent being blown over in the wind.]] Steady as she goes... [[The fourth line goes down and to the right, creating an approximately 47-degree angle with the last line, and our star is beginning to look a bit askew.]] ...uh oh. Shitshitshit [[The fifth line comes up at a 48-degree angle, completely missing the first point by a mile, and our star has failed spectacularly.]] ABORT! ABORT! {{Title text: Screw these 36-degree angles. I'm converting to Judaism.}}

[[A guy in a hat looks down at a large gap in the walkway; a thought bubble with a warning symbol and an image of the gap appears above the guy's head.]] [[The guy walks to the right, away from the gap, and encounters another guy, to which he speaks (in iconographic speech bubble form), attempting to inform him about the gap. A thought bubble appears above the other figure's head with an image of the gesturing guy.]] [[The first guy continues, waving his arms, still talking about the gap. The second guy's thought bubble continues to contain images of the first guy gesturing frantically.]] [[The second guy shrugs in a nonplussed manner, and the first guy leaves off the right side of the frame. Both have thought bubbles displaying the other's reaction.]] [[The first guy continues to the right and comes across a woman. He tells her about the reaction of the previous guy (again in iconographic form); she simultaneously tries to tell him about a gap and gestures off to the right of the frame.]] [[The first guy and the woman both leave the frame thinking of each other's reactions; the woman exiting left and the guy exiting right.]] [[The woman (still thinking about the first guy) encounters the second guy (who is also still thinking about the first guy).]] [[The pair talk about the first guy.]] [[The pair continue talking about the first guy as they exit the frame to the left.]] [[A commotion is heard from the left.]] [[The camera pans over to the left, where the pair have fallen into a gap in the walkway. A commotion is then also heard from the right.]] [[The camera pans over to the right, where the first guy has also fallen into a gap.]] [[A third guy in a beret comes across a gap in the walkway.]] [[The guy in the beret runs off the frame to the right.]] [[The guy in the beret meets a fourth guy, and tells him (in iconographic form) to come with him. The fourth guy has a thought bubble of the guy in the beret.]] [[The guy in the beret takes the fourth guy's hand and leads him along to the left. The fourth guy's thought bubble has question marks around the guy in the beret.]] [[The guy in the beret leads the fourth guy to the gap and shows him it.]] [[Both the guy in the beret and the fourth guy walk away from the gap to the right, now both thinking about the gap.]] {{Title text: Anyone who says that they're great at communicating but 'people are bad at listening' is confused about how communication works.}}