ABCD

[[Girl with black hair stands in the frame, talking to the reader]] Girl: I'm sure you've heard all about this sordid affair in those gossipy cryptographic protocol specs with those busybodies Schneier and Rivest, always taking Alice's side, always labeling me the attacker. Girl: Yes, it's true. I broke Bob's private key and extracted the text of her messages. But does anyone realize how much it hurt? Girl: He said it was nothing, but everything from the public-key authenticated signatures on the files to the lipstick heart smeared on the disk screamed "Alice." Girl: I didn't want to believe. Of course on some level I realized it was a known-plaintext attack. But I couldn't admit it until I saw it for myself. [[Girl places her hands on her hips]] Girl: So before you so quickly label me a third party to the communication, just remember: I loved him first. We had something and she tore it away. She's the attacker, not me. - Not eve. {{title text: Yet one more reason I'm barred from speaking at crypto conferences.}}

[[Man stands in frame, talking]] Man: Every morning for a week now I've gone out driving before sunrise. I wanted to get lost in the dark, park my car, listen to music, and sip from a warm drink as dawn broke around me, gradually revealing a landscape I'd never before seen. A chain of unique beinnings forcing wonder into the seeds of each day. But I guess I need more willpower, because each sunrise just found me at your mom's apartment again. {{title text: It's an amazing time of day; the light is great for photography.}}

When I walk past an automatic door and it opens for me, I worry that if I don't go in I'll hurt its feelings. <<whirrrr>> Figure: Oh, um, I'm sorry, I was just ... um ... I guess I can hang out for a bit.

{{My Hobby: Using "that's what SHE said" only in the most grammatically ambiguous situations.}} Person 1: He doubts she could've done they claimed she did. Person 2: That's what _SHE_ said! {{alt: Yes, I mean she said that during sex. Yes, it was a little weird.}}

At the movies, I get frustrated when we file into our row haphazardly, ignoring the computationally difficulty problem of seating people together for maximum enjoyment. [[Map of relationships between 8 people.]] {{legend:}} Single line: friends. Double line: in a relationship. Arrow: one-way crush. Dashed line: acquaintances [[The eight friends sitting in a row in a dark cinema. Narrator and one other are between two lovers.]] Guys! This is not socially optimal! {{Title-text: It's like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can't ask your friends for help because they're sitting three seats down.}}

[[A set of lockers. The middle one has a sticker stuck to it proclaiming "Skateboarding is not a crime"]] When I'm president, skateboarding will still be legal, but display of those stupid stickers will be a felony. {{alt text: 'Arrest me, I'm a skateboarder' is an even more obnoxious variant.}}

String Theory summarized: I just had an awesome idea. Suppose all matter and energy is made of tiny, vibrating "strings". Okay. What would that imply? I dunno. {{title text: This works on pretty much every level.}}

Person 1: Should we keep going? Person 2: I don't know. Person 1: We can turn back if you want. Person 2: Look-- Person 2: Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't have a plan any more than you? Maybe just having this conversation means we're lost. [[Wide shot of the characters walking through a Calvin and Hobbes-esque alien landscape]] Person 1: Kind of scary. Person 2: It's terrifying. Person 1: This place is beautiful. Person 2: Yeah. {{alt: I hear that these days Bill Watterson is happy just painting in the Ohio woods with his father and doesn't get any mail or talk to anyone.}}

[[Hat Guy and Random Guy are standing next to each other.]] Random Guy: There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". "Angry" and "Hungry" are two. What's the third? Hat Guy: I don't think there is one, unless you cound really obscure words. Random Guy: Ha! It's "language"! I said there are three words in "the English--" [[Hat Guy grabs Random Guy's hand with a <<GRAB>>]] Random Guy: What th-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [[Hat Guy slices off Random Guy's hand with a knife.]] Hat Guy: Ok, listen carefully. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [[Random Guy is bleeding profusely.]] Hat Guy: Communicating badly then acting smug when you're misunderstood is not cleverness. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Hat Guy: I hope we've learned something today. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA {{Alt text: The fifth panel also applys to postmodernists.}}

My Hobby: Reverse Euphemisms [[Two people talking]] Person 1: Oh, hey, school just let out and it's YMCA night, so I've gotta go take a shit. Person 2: What? Person 1: I mean I actually have to drop the kids off at the pool. {{title text: I'm still waiting for a chance to use 'I have to see a man about a horse'.}}

{{Alt Text: Why can't you have normal existential angst like all the other boys?}} [[Two men - one capped with a beret, the other hatless - approach a tree while talking.]] MAN: There is no God. Our existence is without purpose. MAN IN BERET: Oh, definitely. MAN IN BERET: We are adrift in an uncaring void indifferent to all our mortal toil. MAN: Exactly! In the end, nothing we do matters. MAN IN BERET: [[climbing the tree]] Totally. MAN: We just... Why are you climbing that tree? [[THe man in beret is now completely submerged in the tree]] MAN IN BERET: Because the future is an adventure! Come on! MAN: But-- MAN IN BERET: Hey! I found squirrels!

Narrator: The best part of getting older is gonna be intentionally misusing slang around teenagers just to watch them squirm. Man: Oh man, that song is so pwned! Adolescent: <<twitch>> {{title text: It slowly dawns on us that our parents knew exactly what they were doing.}}

[[Two cars are seen sitting at a red light. One person is seen walking from his car up to the driver of the car in front of him. The turn signals of both cars seem to be blinking at the same time.]] Person in Street: Hey, our turn signals are in sync! Person in Car: What the hell? Person in Street: Usually they're at least a little off. But I've been watching like 30 seconds and haven't seen any beat frequency! Person in Car: Who are you? Person in Street: You know, from the beat frequency you can tell the difference in timing of the two signals. Person in Car: ... Person in Street: But ours are the same! Person in Car: ... Person in Street: So, wanna hang out later? {{Alt: I'm not very good at meeting people.}}

Man: Yes, from the evidence it looks pretty likely to me that we're causing global warming on a horrific scale. But with science you don't need to argue. It doesn't matter who wins the debate -- it's about reality. By just waiting a little longer, we'll get to SEE who was right. It feels unethical but I find myself wanting to keep quiet about the science just to know for sure. As terrible as it sounds, the state of the world isn't really my responsibility. I'm just thrilled to get to watch. If the scientists are right -- and if we keep people from understanding just a little longer -- we'll enjoy quite a ride. And pragmatically, on the outside chance that they're all wrong, I get saved the embarrassment of having spoken up. {{alt: There are so many well-meaning conservatives around here who just assume global warming is only presented as a moral issue for political reasons.}}

[[Two programmers, one with a black hat and one without a hat, are sitting back to back at two separate desks, typing.]] No-Hat Programmer: Man, you're being inconsistent with your array indices. Some are from one, some are from zero. Black-Hat Programmer: Different tasks call for different conventions. To quote Stanford algorithm's expert Donald Knuth, "Who are you? How did you get in my house?" No-Hat Programmer: Wait, what? Black-Hat Programmer: Well, that's what he said when I asked him about it. {{alt: His books were kinda intimidating; rappelling down through his skylight seemed like the best option.}}

[[Man sits on his bed, looking at a girl who is spinning. It is night.]] Man on bed: What are you doing? Girl: Spinning counterclockwise Each turn robs the planet of angular momentum Slowing its spin by the tiniest bit Lengthening the night, pushing back the dawn Giving me a little more time here With you {{title text: With reasonable assumptions about latitude and body shape, how much time might she gain them? Note: whatever the answer, sunrise always comes too soon. (Also, is it worth it if she throws up?)}}

[[Person driving car while singing]] Driver: NAAAA NA NA NANA NANA NA NA KATAMARI DAMACY [[two people talking]] Mailbox Owner: and that's when you veered into the mailbox? Driver: It looked smaller then me. It was just instinct.

[[The first panel uses the art style of Penny Arcade.]] Gabe: What? Sony has plenty of launch titles lined up that aren't lame sequels. Tycho: Name one. And furthermore, they... I... uh... [[The art style is dropped. The next two panels are just text.]] Narrator: I can't do this. I can't parody Penny Arcade. I've got nothing on t hose guys. They're a class act, they know their audience, they know exactly what they're doing. Gabe experiments with his art, always bold and fresh without trying to perform. Tycho's writing continues to astound day after day. I can just see him, reading my uncultured swill masquerading as his florid prose. Narrator: But he's not angry, no. He's sitting at his desk smiling that condescending half-smile, the corner of his mouth belying the self-assurance of a writer who never misplaces a word. His firm hands rest easily on the keyboard, his right thumb caressing the space bar gently, as I enter the room. He knows I'm there without turning around, and I'm too nervous to speak. But I don't have to; he understands, I can see it in the way his eyes play over me, reading my fears and doubts in a glance and washing them away with a knowing smile. Then he's on his feet, he's in front of me, and I don't feel the electric jolt I expected as our hands meet. It's just warm, warm and right: As I sink into his eyes I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I see Tycho smile at someone behind me. Gabe is standing there, grinning that mischievous grin, and twirling his beloved cardboard tube between his fingers. Narrator: The night has just begun. {{Title text: No one show this to Tycho's wife, okay?}}

[[A woman is looking out a second story window at a guy holding a boombox over his head.]] Man: MEGAN! Woman: Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening. Man: I LOVE YOU! Woman: Okay, that's great. Wait a second. Is ... is that ... Ice Ice Baby? What the hell? Man: I'm not very good at this. <<Musical Notes>> alt-text: And she's gonna feel like a jerk when she realizes it was actually Under Pressure.

[[A guy stands]] Guy: It's been six months and I still have those dreams where you're pressed tight against me, where you look into my eyes and give me that grin and it's like you've forgotten everything. Guy: And something in the back of my head says it's wrong, it's not like this anymore, but I push it down. In the morning, I tell myself I can't control my dreams, but there's a part of me that doesn't want them to stop. Guy: And honestly, waking up would be a lot easier if your mom didn't look so much like you. Guy: There's always that moment of confusion. {{title-text: But then she does that thing with her tongue and I remember why I left you.}}

[[Text above plain stick figure]] Text: Sorry guys no comic today. I've gotta go to the doctor to get my thighs rotated. But here's some new character art I'm working on! {{Alt-text: Maybe I should let up on Megatokyo a little?}}

[[two men are talking, one is hat-man]] First man: Hey, can you do me a favor? [[Hat man holds his hand out toward the first man]] Hat man: Commented! First man: Huh? [[Hat man is holding his first and second fingers parallel and at an angle, and they are green. First man and his next line are also green.]] First man: Wait, what does that gesture even mean? {{Your IDE's color may vary.}}

Author: In solidarity with the many AOL users whose often embarrassing web searches were released to the public, I offer a sample of my own search history: [[There is a screencap of Google's front page with the following entries suggested for autocompletion in the search box: velociraptors site:imdb.com "jurassic park" raptors dromaeosaurids utahraptor "home depot" deadbolts security home improvement surviving a raptor attack robert bakker paleontologist robert bakker "possible raptor sympathizer" site:en.wikipedia.org surviving a raptor attack learning from mistakes in jurassic park big-game rifles tire irons treating raptor wounds do raptors fear fire how to make a molotov cocktail do raptors fear death can raptors pick locks how to tell if my neighbors are raptors]] {{alt: SomethingAwful has a wonderful compilation of crazy AOL searches in their Weekend Web archives, 2006-08-13.}}

[[A girl and man stand together, with another figure in the distance]] Girl: Professor, that man claims the earth is 6,000 years old! Professor: So? Just use your head and don't concern yourself overmuch with what other people think. Girl: But he says the fossils in the mountains were put there in a flood! Professor: Well, evidence suggests that they were not. Girl: But he-- [[A mountain landscape]] Professor: A million people can call the mountains a fiction, yet it need not trouble you as you stand atop them. [[The girl and professor again]] Girl: But he believes the silliest things! Professor: So? Professor: The universe doesn't care what you _believe_. The wonderful thing about science is that it doesn't ask for your faith, it just asks for your eyes. Girl: But he's a US Senator! Professor: Ah, then yes, we do have a bit of a situation. {{title text: Scientists are also sexy, let's not forget that.}}

[[Speaker at a podium]] Speaker: My cryptosystem is like any Feistel cipher, except in the S-Boxes we simply take the bitstring down, flip it, and reverse it. I've been barred from speaking at any major cryptography conferences ever since it became clear that all my algorithms were just thinly disguised Missy Elliot songs. {{alt: If you got a big keyspace, let me search it.}}

[[A man stands by a genie, whose lower body becomes smoke and trails down to an old-fashioned lamp]] Genie: You have awakened me from the lamp. You may have three wishes. What does your heart desire? Man: I'd like a human-sized hamster ball. [[A hamster ball appears; the man is inside it]] Man: Sweet! [[The man steps to left; the ball rolls that way]] [[He does the same thing to his right]] [[The man comes to rest in the centre of the panel]] Genie: And your other wishes? Man: Why would I need other wishes? {{title text: Reportedly, double-walled inflatable balls like this exist somewhere. Now to find that place.}}

First Girl: For our anniversary, my boyfriend took me hiking in the mountains. Second Girl: My boyfriend proposed to me. Second Girl: They should call you Mario, 'cause you just got <<1-up'd.>> {{Title text: Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.}}

[[Man is talking to Woman who is behind a waste-high screen across a doorway with colorful playpen balls behind her.]] Man: Hey, I was wondering if you had plans for-- holy crap, what happened to your apartment? Woman: I filled it with playpen balls! Man: I... what? Why? Woman: Because we're grown-ups now, and it's our turn to decide what that means. [[Both vanish into the apartment, balls spilling out into the corridor. A love heart drifts out the door, indicating you-know-what]] {{Alt: I've looked into this, and I can't figure out a way to do it cheaply. And I guess it wouldn't be sanitary.}}

[[ A man is sitting on a couch, talking to another man. They are both stick figures. ]] First man: Make me a sandwich. Second man: What? Make it yourself. First man: Sudo make me a sandwich. Second man: Okay

[[Caption: My Hobby: mispronouncing Words]] Man 1: Yeah, did you see what he said on his wobsite? Man 2: ...his what? Man 1: Wobsite. Man 2: ... I think you mean "website." Man 1: Why don't you write about it in your blag? {{Alt Text: My pal Emad does this all the time. 'Hey man, which way to the airpart?'}}

Person 1: I saw a cute girl outside the bank today. She looked nice. Person 2: Oh no, not again. You are the _worst_ judge of these things. Person 1: But she was so sweet. Shy, but there was something in her eyes. A pain down in her soul, the same as the one down in mine. Person 2: Mm hmm. Person 1: The police light played through her mohawk like the sun setting through pine trees as she shoveled the third hooker into the trunk of the camry... Person 2: Back up. {{Alt: Two Hedwig references, an obscure Joey Comeau, and a girl with a mohawk. Yes.}}

[[Guy with black hat is talking to another guy]] Guy: Dude, you should get on MySpace. Black Hat: Eh, I don't think so. Guy: C'mon. There's no real reason not to except snobbiness. It's the new social scene. Black Hat: I know. I'm just not interested. Guy: Please? I'll friend you. Black Hat: Carebearstare. Guy: What? [[Black Hat shoots a rainbow colored ray from his chest - the Care Bear Stare. It throws Guy to the edge of the panel, pinned to the wall.]] {{Title Text: I really shouldn't abuse that power so heavily.}}

T-Rex: THINGS I AM UPPITY ABOUT: "They" as a third-person singular gender-free pronoun. T-Rex: I'm all for it! Dromiceiomimus: But isn't that terrible grammar? T-Rex: Only by recent convention! It's been in use that way for centuries, and its use is widely accepted! ALSO: this lets us avoid ridiculous constructs like "he she", "s he", "xe" or "hirs"! Utahraptor: T-Rex, I... agree. T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: That sounds good to me! Utahraptor: Normally I'd jump in with an objection, but I think your point makes sense. T-Rex: Could it be that the rift in our author's mind has finally healed? Is he no longer locked in perpetual war with the self-doubt that lurks in his subc- Narrator: IN A WORLD WHERE THERE IS STILL A LAND BRIDGE BETWEEN ASIA AND NORTH AMERICA FOR SOME REASON: T-Rex: -onscious? Narrator: ALSO HOW ABOUT IN THIS WORLD EVERYONE IS BICURIOUS {{Title text: Guys: while I was writing this, I accidentally swallowed a table-size slab of drywall. I know! Wacky.}}

when we open the lab each morning, we tell the robot to kill it's our little joke but secretly we're just afraid to tell it to love

SO GUYS WHAT IS FUNNY THIS WEEK? bees! tires. bees with tires! whatever

[["megaxkcd" in Japanese quote characters. An anime girl with pigtails, long rectangular earrings and a blank expression stands with her arms at her sides.]] Narration: In today's megaxkcd, our protagonist comes to terms with his romantic love for a girl who is a video game console accessory. Man 1: Wait, I'm not sure we should parody megatokyo. Man 2: Fred Gallagher does seem like he might take it kind of hard. Man 1: He really does. Man 2: Poor guy. We should try to cheer him up. [[Man 1 and Man 2 stand in front of a profile shot of a house. On the left is a mailbox. Man 2 stands at street level, while Man 1 is holding a cake on the top of a two-step staircase to the front door.]] Man 2: Fred? Fred, please come out. It's OK. Don't cry, Fred. Man 1: We... we baked you a cake. {{title text: I just want to give him a hug or something.}}

[[Philippe is dreaming of having his ears checked. There's an eye chart on the wall behind him.]] Doctor (out of frame): Philippe, your hearing is perfect! In fact, you heard ALL the beeps! You have super-hearing! You're needed at Hogwarts! Philippe: Oh boy! [[Ray is holding a letter and talking to Roast Beef.]] {{Meanwhile . . .}} Ray: Beef, check this out. I got an invite to that The Dude Is Pretty Awesome In Most Measurable Ways I Mean Wow competition. Beef: Alright that is pretty sweet dogg what is your strategy gonna consist of Ray: I'm thinkin' I need to point out my best features--maybe go holdin' a sign with an arrow toward my junk. [[Ray holds up a sign saying "Yes" such that the an arrow on it points directly at his crotch.]] Beef: Yeah well I always said subtlety was your middle name dogg Beef: And also your first and last in case they didn't get the point Ray: How do you think I should play it? Beef: Well basically you got no chance as I see it these dudes are all lovers and fighters to the last Beef: All sprung fully formed from the head of Sweet Sweetback Beef: You are gonna stand out as the sort of dude who stays at home all night playing fleshlight tag Ray: These words you got are crazy. Didn't I win the outdoor fight? Beef: Uh huh about the fight I wasn't gonna tell you but how could you miss that I was setting you up Ray: What? Beef: You got played dogg Beef: I basically just didn't have the heart to go through with it in the end. Beef: Anyway the point is that you are gonna lose this thing so hard Beef: All cheap McD's hamburger to their slabs of steak Beef: A couple 12-oz sirloins garnished with nothing but pure manhood Beef: Maybe some sprigs of parsley Beef: You are pretty much going down [[Closeup of a shocked Ray.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence. Beef looks perturbed and his ear is twitching. Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef looks sorry.]] [[Silence. Beef looks sorry and Ray looks annoyed.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef looks surprised.]] {{alt: I always wanted to impress them with how well I could hear, didn't you? Also, this sets the record for number of awkward-pause panels in one strip (previously held by Achewood)]]

[[Frame is split by a diagonal]] [[First half: guy in front of open fridge]] Caption: I have leftover cheese. I should get chips and make nachos. [[Second half: guy with bag of chips]] Caption: I have leftover chips. I should get cheese and make nachos. Large Caption: A delicious cycle {{title-text: I'm currently in the I Have Cheese phase of this cycle.}}

{{How Electric Skateboards Work}} [[A person is standing on a skateboard, next to a sign that says "Point A," and pushes a button.]] <<click>> [[He skates.]] <<whirrr>> [[He stops, with a sign saying "Point B" to his right and a group of chicks (labeled "chicks") to his left.]] {{alt: Both the skateboards I owned were pretty cheap and broke from heavy use; I'm gonna get a really nice one if I move to the city.}}

[[A person is playing a video game, with Hat Guy standing behind him.]] Person: Man, I suck at this game. Can you give me a few pointers? Hat Guy: 0x3A28213A 0x6339392C, 0x7363682E. Person: I hate you. {{alt: Every computer, at the unreachable memory address 0x-1, stores a secret. I found it, and it is that all humans ar--SEGMENTATION FAULT.}}

[[A is standing behind B, who is typing at a computer.]] A: You should be more careful what you write. Future employers might read it. B: When did we forget our dreams? A: What? [[B stands beside A]]] B: The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out before us. We see the same things every day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us. B: And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. B: This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can: B: FUCK. B: THAT. B: SHIT. {{Alt-text: In Connor's second thesis it is stated 'There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.' Does the routine destroy our creativity or do we lose creativity and fall into the routine? Anyway, who's up for a road trip!}}

Although it caught me by surprise at the time, looking back I understand why my senior science fair project went over as badly as it did. [[poster]] The Mathematics of Cunnilingus f(t) F(w) L(s) Challenges in Frequency-domain analysis {{title text: This poster actually inspired a two-hour powerpoint presentation that Al Gore gave around the country.}}

[[In a class room, the board says "Math" on the top-left corner, and "Mr. Munroe" in the middle. A stick figure is standing in front of it, speaking to the class.]] Teacher: Miss Lenhart couldn't be here today, so she asked me to substitute. Teacher: I've put out your test. Please get started. [[A student in the first row raises the exam paper and says.]] Student: Mr. Munroe, Miss Lenhardt never taught us this. Teacher: That's because Miss Lenhart doesn't understand how important certain kinds of math are. Student: But this just looks -- Teacher: This material is more vital than anything you've ever learned Student: But -- Teacher: No buts. Teacher: This is a matter of life and death. [[Excerpt from the exam paper.]] Name: _________ [[A stick figure is standing, hands over head. A velociraptor is running towards it.]] 1. The velociraptor spots you 40 meters away and attacks, accelerateing at 4 m s^2 to its top speed of 25 m s. When it spots you, you begin to flee, quickly reaching yourtop speed of 6 m s. How far can you get before you're caught and devoured? 2. You're at the center of a 20m equilateral triangle with a raptor at each corner. The top raptor has a wounded leg and is limited to a top speed of 10 m s. [[A stick figure is shown in the above situation. The picture has a legend "(Not to scale)".]] The raptors will run toward you. At what angle should you run to maximize the time you stay alive? 3. Raptors can open doors, but they are slowed by them. Using the floor plan on the next page, plot a route through the building, assuming raptors take 5 minutes to open the first door and halve the time for each subsequent door. Remember, raptors run at 10 m s and they do not know fear. {{alt text: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?}}

[[Computer screen showing a myspace page]] Oh man, you and everyone in earshot are gonna LOVE the first five seconds of this song! {{alt: It's like they got together and said 'what do we miss most from the internet in 1998? that's right, embedded MIDI!'}}

[[A door opens, revealing Eminem wearing a hoodie]] Narration: Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore while i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping as if someone gently rapping rapping at my chamber door... <<click>> <<creak>> Eminem: Yo. {{title text: Yes, Eminem is wearing a sleeveless hoodie. What of it?}}

[[A female and male figure converse]] Female: What kind of music do you listen to? Male: Oh, a mix of things. Some classic rock like Boston, but then of course Queen and Bowie, Joan Jett... Female: Definitely, we need more of those sounds. Male: But there's some great newer stuff too, like Franz Ferdinand, The Donnas, and Audioslave. Female: Sometimes they're a little much for me. I go more for things like The Arcade Fire, sometimes mixing some electronic sounds like Postal Service. Male: Oh yeah—have you ever checked out Freezepop? Female: Mhm! Synth pop can be fun, but at the same time, I agree that sometimes you just need to blast some Metallica. Male: Who? Female: ...Metallica. Male: Are they new? Narrator: I sound pretty knowledgeable about music until people figure out that I'm just naming bands from Guitar Hero. {{title text: When Guitar Hero 2 comes out I'll have fresh conversational material for MONTHS.}}

[[Person holding fan in place]] <<click click>> Narrator: Best thing about having my own apartment: Holding fans in place so they twitch helplessly and make that clicking sound without my mom yelling at me. {{Alt: It's not going to break the fan, bouncing a rubber ball off the wall isn't going to dent it, and the roof can hold me just fine. You LIED!}}

[[Author Comment: The best thing ever to appear on TV: 12-year-old Julia Stiles as a hacker in a 1993 episode of PBS's "Ghostwriter"]] [[A sketch of Julia Stiles with a bandanna over her head, long wavy hair, elbow shirt, wrist band, and pants]] Julia Stiles: Do you know anything about hackers? Can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace? Never experienced the new wave? Next wave? Dream wave? *OR* cyberpunk? {{Title Text: I found an old tape of this episode in my family's closet. Check the news section of the forums to see the clip!}}

Content Protection System: [[A woman sits on a couch watching a large flat-panel television, connected to a box labeled HDMI]] [[The screen is labeled with "Approved screen"]] [[The cable is labeled with "Approved connection"]] [[The HDMI box is labeled with "Approved player"]] [[The woman's head is labeled with "Approved content"]] {{alt-text: If you think the purveyors of DRM simply want to protect artists, check out chapters 13 and 14 in Free Culture, by Lawrence Lessig. Their goal is the elimination of all culture they don't control.}}

Will it ever stop hurting? dPain dt = (-k_1 Pain + [Image of girl]) (1 (1 + e ^ -(t - k_2) d)) k_1=? k_2=? [Image of girl]=How much she's still in my life Please let d only be a few days... or weeks I guess there's some kind of a cutoff after years, where it stops mattering and we can be friends. Do I _want_ that? Is k_1 positive? Is k_2 large? Will I ever stop feeling like this? {{Title Text: You laugh to keep from crying, you do math to keep from crying . . .}}

On the other side of the world, a new style of street racing rules the Tokyo underground. The cars are lighter, the tires are slick. When you drift, if you ain't out of control, you ain't in control. And if you work the wheel back and forth just right, [[Two cars race around a corner with blue sparks spraying from their tires.]] you get blue sparks. THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DASH!! {{title text: Sometimes when I steer shopping carts around corners, I slide them a little and pretend I'm getting the blue spark boost.}}

[[Many red spiders, standing on and hanging from blocks, hover ominously over a small city, ready to attack]] {{title text: Uh-oh.}} {{compare to http: xkcd.com 8 }}

[[Two people, one sitting behind a executive desk, looking at some paper, and the other one by foot using a hat.]] Guy behind the desk: I've heard you're one of the best in marketing business, but I've got your portfolio here and looks like you've never run a major campaign. Why should I hire you to head our new initiative? Guy with a hat: If you don't mind asking, what gave you the idea I was one of the best in the business? Guy behind the desk: Hm? I don't remember. Just word of mouth or someth-- ...oh, you're good. Guy with a hat: Thank you. When can I start? {{title text: There are a lot of books on marketing out there. I wonder if you're safest just buying the most popular one.}}

From the makers of the Blogosphere, Blogocube, and Blogodrome comes the Blogofractal [[A large rectangle subdivided into rectangles in a fractal pattern, most with a phrase or word inside]] [[Mostly left to right from top-left corner]] TripMaster Monkey says 118th Post!! Wikiconstitution! OMG DeCSS Casemod your Boyfriend!! FLICKR They're saying on Kos that http: slashdot.org articl tagCloud Cory Doctorow is a little upset about copyright law. Hey guys what if Google is evil?!? I'll sleep with you for a FreeIpods deal. FirstPsot!! Snakes on an I don't Even Care Anymore KiwiWiki CSS Comments (0) Blogotesseract ¡play games! [[RSS icon]] is AYB retro yet? Google Google Google Apple Google Goog Cheney totally shot a dude!!! Watch this doddler get owned by a squirrel!!! Developers Developers Developers Developers I installed a Mac Mini inside ANOTHER Mac Mini! Check out this vid of Jon Stewart 9-11 <-> Trent Lott! Web 7.1 Kryptonite™ locks vulnerable to "keys!" Interesting post! Check out my blog, it has useful info on CARBON MONOXIDE LITIGATION FIREFLY!! HELP ME Engadget Boing Boing Gizmodo MAKE Blog: DIY baby My friend has a band!! Jon released an exploit in the protocol for meeting girls. Internets! Howard Dean? So I hear there's a hurricane. We should elect this dude! Google Maps is da best!! Moderation: +1 Sassy RSS! A-list <3 Trackable URL? I shot a man in Reno check it out on YouTube! HEY LOOK ROBOTS! Net Neutrality! Friends Only. Dupe! AJAX? COMPLY Cowboy Neal Blogodrome Hey look I got Linux running on my tonsils! Look alive, blogonauts! Cafepress cockrings BOOBIES!! MIA A Beowulf Cluster... of BLOGS!! SPOILER ALERT Dupe! You have been eaten by a Grue. Ruby on a monorail Lesbians! DNF Released! Steampunk BLAG PONIES! Xeni found some porn! IRONY LIARS! Linux on Rails! Blogocube del.icio.us! 404 o.O Don't slam the source when you close it. {{title text: Edward Tufte's 'The Visual Display of Quantitative Information' is a fantastic book, and should be required reading for anyone in either the sciences or graphic design.}}

[[ Bond is tied to a giant centrifuge ]] Hat Guy: Do you like my centrifuge, Mister Bond? When I throw the lever, you will feel centrifugal force crush every bone in your body. Mr. Bond: You mean centripetal force. There's no such thing as centrifugal force. Hat Guy: A laughable claim, Mister Bond, perpetuated by overzealous teachers of science. Simply construct Newton's laws into a rotating system and you will see a centrifugal force term appear as plain as day. Mr. Bond: Come now, do you really expect me to do coordinate substitution in my head while strapped to a centrifuge? Hat Guy: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die. {{ alt: You spin me right round, baby, right round, in a manner depriving me of an inertial reference frame. Baby. }}

[[ Man and woman talking, looking at a group of 2 men and a woman standing further away. The woman is on a table and the 2 men are looking at her ]] Man: I love that girl. She's not afraid to be quirky and different. Woman: You know, I'm active in street theatre and I collect and paint Asian dolls. Man: ...Okay, I didn't actually mean be different. I just want silly and entertaining on command now and then. {{alt: Romantic comedy heroines, I'm talking to you.}}

I watched the scene in the restaurant for a full fifteen minutes hoping this would happen: [[Figure holding balloon; Balloon gets caught in ceiling fan; Figure holds on and is pulled up]] {{alt: So I'm a bad person.}}

[[A computer monitor displays the profile of a man named Randall on an online dating site. His profile contains a picture of a spiky-haired man and some text, which is rendered as dialogue in the panels.]] Randall: Hi, my name is Randall. I like candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach. Randall: When I say long walks on the beach, I mean LONG walks on the beach. I've met people through these services who CLAIM to like long walks on the beach. But we'll be out there barely an hour before they start in with "I'm tired" and "Don't you think it's time we head back?" BRING A TENT. {{Alt text: I don't understand why people are so disingenuous! I just want someone to walk with!}}

Heading: It's probably a good thing that I never get to pick band names. [[A stage with banner overhead reading: OPENING TONIGHT! HEDGECLIPPER]] [[On the stage are three guys with a bass, guitar, drum kit and strange haircuts. On the kick drum is a picture of a hedge clipper.]] Lead Guitarist: Maaan... {{title text: You can just see his dejection as he realizes he's the lead guitar in 'Hedgeclipper'}}

[[Two figures stand around a levitating person.]] {{You gotta let go, Joe}} {{Just rise off your feet, Pete}} {{Just stay in the air, Claire}} {{Gotta levitate, Kate}} {{There must be 50 ways to learn to hover.}} {{Alt: I woke up to find that I had scrawled the last line of this sleepily on a sheet of paper on my desk. I shouldn't have listened to the 70's hit marathon on the way home from work the night before.}}

[[A stick figure asks another]] So what do we do if video game AI opponents become smart enough to question the "Matrix" into which we've put them? [[A Pong paddle thinks]] Wait a minute! None of this is real! I can see through the world! I can see the code! I AM THE ONE! [[The pong ball is moving towards the paddle]] [[The pong ball slows down]] [[The pong ball stops in "midair"]] [[The pong ball drops towards the bottom of the screen]] {{alt: Following this, the pong paddle went on a mission to destroy Atari headquarters and, due to a mixup found himself inside the game "The Matrix Reloaded". Boy was THAT ever hard to explain to him}}

[[A picture of various apartment buildings]] Shadowed city slumber silently. A second-story suite. Come craving courtship, selected serendipitously Crazed copulations, a salacious storm of continuous coitus. Spread, straddled, conquered. Countless crashed suitors strewn carelessly. Centre, silken sheets sensuously caressing soft skin, Contentedly sleeps your mom.

[[A meerkat wearing a hat and shirt, and two guys in the background supposedly on a rugby field]] You have to admit--there's no rule on the books saying a meerkat can't play rugby. {{alt text: Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.}}

[[Hat Guy is standing next to a large badge which says FUCK Computational Lingustics]] Hat Guy: And the dumbest thing about emo kids is that... I... You know, I'm sick of easy targets. Anyone can make fun of emo kids. You know who's had it too easy? Computational Linguists. "Ooh, look at me! My field is so ill-defined, I can subscribe to any of dozens of contradictory models and still be taken seriously!" {{alt text: Chomskyists, generative linguists, and Ryan North, your days are numbered.}}

[[A z=fn(x, y) plot, with pointy spikes on the back sloping to a relatively flat front.]] Comment: You are like the prime numbers. Unpredictable turns, unconstrainable. Tantalizingly regular but never quite the same. I am like the Riemann-zeta function. A rippled curtain of the imagined and real. Deeply tied with you in ways incomprehensible. Although, strictly speaking, The Riemann-zeta function couldn't have given your herpes. {{Title Text: The graph is of the magnitude of the function with the real value between 0 and 2 and the imaginary between about 35 and 40. I've misplaced the exact parameters I used}

[[A venn diagram with three sets]] Description of set 1: People who can always make me smile Description of set 2: People who constantly show me new things about the world Description of set 3: People I want to spend the rest of my life with Intersection point: YOU. Intersection of sets 2 and 3: Vanilla Ice {{title text: I'm just trying to explain, please don't be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90's rappers?}}

membership in wicca total firefox downloads [[positive slope graph]] [[Internet Explorer icon]] Keep the Faith [[Outline of a cross]]

The line was actually supposed to be "Frankly, my dear, I couldn't care less." Its just that Clark Gable had Tourette's. [[Gone with the Wind]]

Spoiler Alert! [[Severus Snape is smacking a trenchcoat-clad Trinity off the top of a building with a sled.]] Snape kills Trinity with Rosebud! {{alt: And then it turns out they're both Tyler Durden.}}

[[Two guys stand next to each other talking]] A: I just feel like somewhere out there is the girl for me. B: Yeah. A: Someone loving and caring. B: I know what you mean. A: A girl whose only mode of transportation is the M.C. Hammer Slide. B: Yeah. B: ...Wait, what? [[A girl hammer slides past]] [[A sees girl hammer slide and it's love at first sight]] [[Girl hammer slides over into A's waiting arms]] {{alt text: Once, long ago, I saw this girl go by. I didn't stop and talk to her, and I've regretted it ever since.}}

[[A sky full of jumbo jets is shown in movie poster format.]] Top of the poster: From the creators of last summer's hit thriller Snakes On a Plane comes: Superimposed on the sky and planes: Snakes... on EVERY Plane! Bottom of the poster: Much worse than last time. {{Mouseover text: James suggested this, and I'd have to agree. It'd be much worse.}}

[[A man and a woman are talking to each other]] Man: I've heard that when the Wright brothers argued, they periodically switched sides in the debate to try to encourage a more balanced conclusion. Man: We should try that in our relationship! Woman: It's a neat idea, but I think treating personal issues like a debate will only engender hostility and hurt feelings. Man: No, I think it would help, by forcing us to consider the other person's point of view. Woman: Hmm, maybe you're right. Man: Am not. It's a bad idea. {{alt: I'm not sure if this is actually true}}

[[Two people are standing next to a large pentagram with candles at the points. A figure is hovering above it in a wave of energy.]] Person 1: Sweet. I summoned myself from a parallel universe. Person 2: You know, he could vanish at any moment. Person 2: You should take this chance to make out with yourself. Person 2: . . . you know, _I_ could vanish at any moment. {{alt: It's possible. Better to be on the safe side.}}

[[The panel is black with rough-edged white passages running down through it. A stick figure is holding onto a rope, dangling down one of these passages. White text is in the black sections.]] You were afraid that you would disappear, that you would be lost and forgotten. I held you tight against the dark and said that I would always come for you. Then one day it happened. You were torn from my arms and vanished from this world. Maybe you don't remember my promise. But I meant every word. I hope you're not afraid, wherever you are. You don't need to be. I'm not. I will find you. {{title-text: I'm like the Terminator, except with love!}}

[[A graph, rationalization as a function of speed, increasing exponentially with an asymptote at c]] Related to moral relativism, it states that ethics become subjective only when you approach the speed of light. That is, it's okay to be self-serving, steal, and murder as long as you're going really, really fast. (Note: This is why rap sounds better on the highway at 90 mph) {{It's science!}}

{{Title: Back to the Future}} [[A man and a woman are standing, talking to one another]] Man: This weekend, my professor friend built a time machine out of a DeLorean and I went back in time! I helped make sure my parents got together and helped my dad to be less of a loser. Woman: Wow! Do you still have the time machine? Man: Nah. But I did what I really needed to do. Woman: Uh huh. [[Neither says anything]] Woman: Okay, you remember that my father was in the WTC North Tower, right? Man: Yeah...why? Woman: I...nothing. {{alt text: He's kind of an asshole, when you think about it.}}

[[ Box with a mailing label on one side, and in the front: ]] Miss your loved ones? [[ Picture of a missile launcher ]] You don't have to. RJX-21 Laser Scope {{Alt text: I wish I'd missed you then so I wouldn't be missing you now.}}

[[Picture shows a pathway winding through trees to a sink inside a house, out to some swings and back to ths sink, out to a ball and back to the sink...]] Caption: Jeffy's ongoing struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder {{alt text: This was my friend David's idea}}

[[All the numbers are black except for a heart-shaped red section in the middle.]] 011010010110110001101 111011101100110010101 111001010011110111010 101101001011011000100 111101110110011001010 111100101101111011101 010110100101101100011 011110111011001100101 011110010100111101110 101011010010110110001 001111011101100110010 101111001010011110111 010101101001011011000 101010110100101101100 010011110111011001100 101011110010110111101 110101011010010110110 001001111011101100110 010101111001010011110 111010101101001011011 000100111101110110011 {{alt: i love you}}

[[Various people struggle as the comic disintegrates. Toward the top, people are standing calmly, some holding hands. As the parts of the comic break apart, people try to reach for each other, hold parts together, or curl up into a ball. By the bottom, a person is falling, surrounded by pieces of the comic]] {{title text:#pugglewumper Tashari got me some ink pens! I've been experimenting with them.}}

[[Man standing in front of stool with radio on it]] <<music>>You don't know what it's like to be me! At first, I loved A Simple Plan. Then I realized, with creeping horror, that they were serious. {{alt-text: This is true. The Lyrics are ridiculous.}}

[[A person is talking to someone over the phone.]] Phone: Do you think I could mail a running chainsaw to someone? Person: I doubt it. Phone: What about a baby's first word? Person: Look, your obsession with sending strange things through the mail is getting out of hand. Phone: Can you mail a blank stare? Phone: A dizzying height? Phone: Pi? Person: . . . Phone: Well, did you at least get that package of time I sent you? Person: I . . . you . . . no, I didn't. Phone: Well, there was a lot of it, so it will probably take a while. {{alt: I'm on the USPS No Fly List.}}

[[The Sierpinski Penis Game]] [[A large triangle is shown, with many smaller trianges inside]] [[Words are in the triangles]] Sierpinski game: PENIS! Haha, penis.

Creating an AIM Profile: [[A flowchart is shown.]] Have Friends? -> No -> Link to your LiveJournal Have Friends? -> Yes, and want to alienate everyone else -> INSIDE JOKES! Have Friends? -> Yes -> Have Boyfriend Girlfriend? -> No -> Angsty about it? -> Yes -> Link to your LiveJournal Angsty about it? -> No -> Yes you are -> Angsty about it? Have Boyfriend Girlfriend? -> Yes -> A profile tribute is the greatest possible expression of love. {{title text: This one goes out to xxCrazyPixie1987xx}}

[[A guy points at a girl with his mouth open. A bearded man stands behind him.]] Bearded man: But as THICK as you are, pay attention My words are a matter of PRIDE! Subtitle: My goal: To make enough money to hire Jeremy Irons, the voice of Scar from The Lion King, to follow me around and do my dialogue. {{Alt: Movies that I know word-for-word, part one}}

[[A guy is on the street. Behind him is a house with a lawn.]] Guy's thoughts: I love the time just before sunrise. It's quiet; no one is ever just walking about. It's like a secret. I always hope that I'll find someone else quietly hiding from sleep, and we'll see each other and sit and talk. I guess this is a bad place to meet people. I wish it weren't. [[Guy goes into the house, brushes his teeth, and leaves the house again.]] [[Guy is at a club, disco balls in the ceiling and a giant woofer. Many people are dancing around him.]] {{Title Text: Sometimes, I sit on top of parking decks and watch the sun rise. I feel like I should have a guitar or something.}}

[[Text only panel, hand written.]] Welcome to text-only Counterstrike. You are in a dark, outdoor map. > GO NORTH You have been pwned by a grue.

[[Two men stand and talk to one another.]] First man: Where's my fucking jacket? [[Second man indicates something behind him.]] Second man: Over there, next to your regular one. First man: My what? Second man: Never mind. {{Title text: We have this conversation at least once a day in my apartment}}

Hat Guy: Gravitational mass is identical to inertial mass. That is, the amount of inertia something has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What's interesting is that there doesn't seem to be any reason this should be true. One could imagine an extremely large object with lots of resistance to force and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is never observed. Hat Guy: You know what? I'm just gonna skip the rest of the buildup and say it: Yo mama's fat. {{alt: She's so fat the attraction goes up as the CUBE of the distance instead of the square}}

[[A Livestrong-type bracelet is featured with an Escher twist in it. The band has the letters "WWED" printed on it.]] {{What Would Escher Do?}} {{Alt: The only downside is that it would be a little uncomfortable}}

[[Picture of a suburban house, with lines pointing to various aspects]] High bathroom window: probably secure. Outer door: secure. picture window: VELOCIRAPTOR ENTRY POINT! Narrator: It's been over a decade since Jurassic Park opened, and I still size up buildings for their potential as shelter against velociraptor attacks. {{title text: You're probably thinking, 'has it been a decade'? It's been over thirteen years, buddy.}}

[[Hat Guy is standing on an advancing glacier]] Hat Guy: Dear Sony, Microsoft, the MPAA, the RIAA, and Apple: Let's make a deal. You stop trying to tell me where, when, and how I play my movies and music, and I won't crush your homes under my inexorably advancing wall of ice. [[Alt text: If you're interested in the subject, Lawrence Lessig's 'Free Culture' is pretty good]]

[[Blueprint of a campus. Two buildings in the upper and lower left corners, respectively, and a rectangular lawn. A road encloses the lawn, another road traverses horizontally through the center of the lawn. The character is in the lower left and the upper right corner, where it says "my apartment".]] [[dashed line 1, from the lower-left along the road to the top-left corner, then to the top-right corner]] 60 seconds [[dashed line 2, from the lower-left along the road up to the center crossroads, then diagonally over the lawn to the top-right corner]] 48 seconds (80%) [[dashed line 3, diagonally from the lower-left to the top-right corner]] 44.7 seconds (74%) my apartment #1=t #2=t ((1+sqrt(2)) 3) #3=t(sqrt(5) 3) When I'm walking, I worry a lot about the efficiency of my path. {{alt-text: It's true. I think about this all the time.}}

This happened to my friend: [[Men and women are standing in a row]] Man: English should be the national language. These immigrants should have to learn English when they come here. Woman: Yeah Man: When you go to live somewhere, you learn the language they speak there. English is the language of the land. Other Woman: Excuse me, but osio Sarah dawado. Man: What the hell was that? Other Woman: Woman: Cherokee. {{title text: She's pretty sharp when provoked.}}

[[A girl stands on the left. A man is sitting on the floor with a game controller in his hand. He is looking at a TV on the floor connected to a game console, also on the floor.]] Girl: Can you pause for a moment and help me with something? Man: You know, our love is like a katamari. We travel along, rolling up more and more of the world into our shared experience, taking it and making it our own. Girl: I, you... wow. Geekiness aside, that was actually incredibly sweet. Man: The clutter of everyday life, with a simple core to tie it together, eventually becomes something grand as the world itself. [[A rainbow extends outward from the TV, with "ROYAL RAINBOW!" above it.]] Girl: Okay, also sweet, but now I'm wondering if you could possibly get any gayer. {{alt text: As the King of All Cosmos remarked, 'Is it that it's fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?'}}

[[A stick figure stands alone in the centre of the panel. Tendrils from the frame develop and grow in panels 1 and 2, wind round the figure in panel 3, and finally retreat back to the frame, tearing the stick figure apart in panel 4.]] {{Mouseover text: "..."}}

[[Hat guy is holding a golf club and speaking into a P.A. system]] Hat guy: Attention, Hat guy: To the owner of a Dodge Viper SRT-10 with license plate "MYTOY", your lights are on and your windshield was just smashed with a golf club. {{title text: There's a red convertible outside my building with the license plate 'DADS MNY'.}}

[[A blue driving Mitsubishi with spoiler]] Bumper sticker: This IS my other car. {{title text: It's much better than the other one.}}

Person 1: What time can you pick Michael up? Person 2: Well, I can meet the plane at ten of six. Person 1: Do you know where to find him? Person 2: I'll meet him at the stairs before the gate. {{My hobby: answering casual questions in iambic pentameter.}} {{alt: Of course, you don't wanna limit yourself to the strict forms of the meter. That could get pretty difficult.}}

I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING UNEXPECTED IN THE COMICS. JUST ONE STRIP COULD MAKE UP FOR IT ALL. [[Garfield standing at side of panel]] [[Zoom in on Garfield]] [[Closeup on Garfield's face]] Garfield thought bubble: THE WORLD IS BURNING. [[Tighter closeup on Garfield's face]] Garfield thought bubble: RUN. JIM DAVIS, THROW OFF YOUR COMMERICIAL SHACKLES. CHALLENGE US. GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF DADAIST GLORY. THERE IS STILL TIME. {{alt: The use of the 'Garfield' character for the purposes of this parody qualifies as fair use under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. sec. 107. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music (92-1292), 510 U.S. 569}}