ABCD

Oily House Index

We're underwater on our mortgage thanks to the low price of water.
We're underwater on our mortgage thanks to the low price of water.

Five Word Jargon

My other (much harder) hobby is trying to engineer situations where I have an excuse to use more than one of them in short succession.
My other (much harder) hobby is trying to engineer situations where I have an excuse to use more than one of them in short succession.

Endorheic Basin

My biggest fear is that colonial engineers will try to flood me to generate electricity. My biggest hope is that I'll develop sailing stones.
My biggest fear is that colonial engineers will try to flood me to generate electricity. My biggest hope is that I'll develop sailing stones.

Old Days 2

The git vehicle fleet eventually pivoted to selling ice cream, but some holdovers remain. If you flag down an ice cream truck and hand the driver a floppy disk, a few hours later you'll get an invite to a git repo.
The git vehicle fleet eventually pivoted to selling ice cream, but some holdovers remain. If you flag down an ice cream truck and hand the driver a floppy disk, a few hours later you'll get an invite to a git repo.

Modeling Study

You've got questions, we've got assumptions.
You've got questions, we've got assumptions.

ISO Paper Size Golden Spiral

The ISO 216 standard ratio is cos(45°), but American letter paper is 8.5x11 because it uses radians, and 8.5/11 = pi/4.
The ISO 216 standard ratio is cos(45°), but American letter paper is 8.5x11 because it uses radians, and 8.5/11 = pi/4.

Low-Background Metal

The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'
The only effect on the history books were a few confusing accounts of something called 'Greek fire.'

Millennium Problems

The hard part about opening a hole in the proof of the Poincaré conjecture is that Grigori Perelman will come out of retirement to try to fix it by drawing a loop around the hole and contracting it to a point.
The hard part about opening a hole in the proof of the Poincaré conjecture is that Grigori Perelman will come out of retirement to try to fix it by drawing a loop around the hole and contracting it to a point.

Large Number Formats

10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field
10^13.4024: A person who has come back to numbers after a journey deep into some random theoretical field

Dynamic Entropy

Despite years of effort by my physics professors to normalize it, deep down I remain convinced that 'dynamical' is not really a word.
Despite years of effort by my physics professors to normalize it, deep down I remain convinced that 'dynamical' is not really a word.

Pinouts

The other side of USB-C is rotationally symmetric except that the 3rd pin from the top is designated FIREWIRE TRIBUTE PIN.
The other side of USB-C is rotationally symmetric except that the 3rd pin from the top is designated FIREWIRE TRIBUTE PIN.

Hair Growth Rate

Hourly haircuts would be annoying, but they'd be easier to do yourself, since you'd have adjacent hairs as a guide. Growing it out would be a huge pain, though.
Hourly haircuts would be annoying, but they'd be easier to do yourself, since you'd have adjacent hairs as a guide. Growing it out would be a huge pain, though.

Eventual Consistency

Later I'm going to get a head start on the heat bath.
Later I'm going to get a head start on the heat bath.

Carcinization

Nature abhors a vacuum and also anything that's not a crab.
Nature abhors a vacuum and also anything that's not a crab.

Wrong Times Table

Deep in some corner of my heart, I suspect that real times tables are wrong about 6x7=42 and 8x7=56.
Deep in some corner of my heart, I suspect that real times tables are wrong about 6x7=42 and 8x7=56.

MBMBaM

Hello and welcome to Millibar Millibarn Attometer, an advice show for the Planck era.
Hello and welcome to Millibar Millibarn Attometer, an advice show for the Planck era.

Confidence Interval

The worst part is that's the millisigma interval.
The worst part is that's the millisigma interval.

Great Attractor

Living in the southern hemisphere was nice because I could jump extra high, but I like it here too. Besides, if I ever want to move back, I can just curl up in a ball and wait!
Living in the southern hemisphere was nice because I could jump extra high, but I like it here too. Besides, if I ever want to move back, I can just curl up in a ball and wait!

X

The worst is when you run out of monospaced fonts and have to use variable-width variables.
The worst is when you run out of monospaced fonts and have to use variable-width variables.

Mount St. Helens

It's a good mountain but it really peaked in the 80s.
It's a good mountain but it really peaked in the 80s.

Alive or Not

Computer viruses currently fall somewhere between prions and fire.
Computer viruses currently fall somewhere between prions and fire.

Common Cold

Not even metapneumovirus, easily the common cold virus with the coolest name, warrants our sympathy. Colds suck. No mercy.
Not even metapneumovirus, easily the common cold virus with the coolest name, warrants our sympathy. Colds suck. No mercy.

Coronavirus Polling

If you want to see the polling questions we agree on MOST, you can check out Chapter 24 of my book How To, where I got the Roper Center on Public Opinion Research to help me design the world's least electable political campaign platform.
If you want to see the polling questions we agree on MOST, you can check out Chapter 24 of my book How To, where I got the Roper Center on Public Opinion Research to help me design the world's least electable political campaign platform.

Preprint

DOWNSIDES: Adobe people may periodically email your newsroom to ask you to call it an 'Adobe® PDF document,' but they'll reverse course once they learn how sarcastically you can pronounce the registered trademark symbol.
DOWNSIDES: Adobe people may periodically email your newsroom to ask you to call it an 'Adobe® PDF document,' but they'll reverse course once they learn how sarcastically you can pronounce the registered trademark symbol.

Error Types

Type IIII error: Mistaking tally marks for Roman numerals
Type IIII error: Mistaking tally marks for Roman numerals

2020 Google Trends

As the 'exotic animals in homemade aprons hosting baking shows' YouTube craze reached its peak in March 2020, Andrew Cuomo announced he was replacing the Statue of Liberty with a bronze pangolin in a chef's hat.
As the 'exotic animals in homemade aprons hosting baking shows' YouTube craze reached its peak in March 2020, Andrew Cuomo announced he was replacing the Statue of Liberty with a bronze pangolin in a chef's hat.

Turtle Sandwich Standard Model

It's possible the bread and shell can be split into a top and bottom flavor, and some models additionally suggest Strange Bread and Charm Shells.
It's possible the bread and shell can be split into a top and bottom flavor, and some models additionally suggest Strange Bread and Charm Shells.

Everyone's an Epidemiologist

If enough people uphill decide to try the rolling strategy, they can make the decision for you.
If enough people uphill decide to try the rolling strategy, they can make the decision for you.

Coronavirus Genome 2

[moments later, checking phone] Okay, I agree my posting it was weird, but it's somehow even more unnerving that you immediately liked the post.
[moments later, checking phone] Okay, I agree my posting it was weird, but it's somehow even more unnerving that you immediately liked the post.

Coronavirus Genome

Spellcheck has been great, but whoever figures out how to get grammar check to work is guaranteed a Nobel.
Spellcheck has been great, but whoever figures out how to get grammar check to work is guaranteed a Nobel.

Use or Discard By

One of the things of bear spray says that, and I'm not one to disobey safety instructions, but there are no bears around here. Guess it's time for a camping trip where we leave lots of food out!
One of the things of bear spray says that, and I'm not one to disobey safety instructions, but there are no bears around here. Guess it's time for a camping trip where we leave lots of food out!

Sourdough Starter

Once the lockdown is over, let's all get together and swap starters!
Once the lockdown is over, let's all get together and swap starters!

Garbage Math

'Garbage In, Garbage Out' should not be taken to imply any sort of conservation law limiting the amount of garbage produced.
'Garbage In, Garbage Out' should not be taken to imply any sort of conservation law limiting the amount of garbage produced.

Coronavirus Charts

Adding data for South Korea but with their cases scaled to match the population of Japan and the land area of Australia, and vice versa.
Adding data for South Korea but with their cases scaled to match the population of Japan and the land area of Australia, and vice versa.

RIP John Conway

1937-2020
1937-2020

Thermometer

I hate how many times you have to press it to get to the system normal people use, degrees Rømer.
I hate how many times you have to press it to get to the system normal people use, degrees Rømer.

New Sports System

Under my system, boxing and football suffered, pair figure skating still worked but had to adapt by dropping some moves, and pro wrestling was actually completely unaffected.
Under my system, boxing and football suffered, pair figure skating still worked but had to adapt by dropping some moves, and pro wrestling was actually completely unaffected.

Homemade Masks

I'm going to change the sign so the pole is horizontal and the sign is mounted on the front like a plunger, so I can carry it around like a lance to gently push people back if they try to approach.
I'm going to change the sign so the pole is horizontal and the sign is mounted on the front like a plunger, so I can carry it around like a lance to gently push people back if they try to approach.

Scenario 4

Remember, models aren't for telling you facts, they're for exploring dynamics. This model apparently explores time travel.
Remember, models aren't for telling you facts, they're for exploring dynamics. This model apparently explores time travel.

Collector's Edition

I'm sure you can find some suitable worldbuilding material if you scavenge through the archives.
I'm sure you can find some suitable worldbuilding material if you scavenge through the archives.

Pathogen Resistance

We're not trapped in here with the coronavirus. The coronavirus is trapped in here with us.
We're not trapped in here with the coronavirus. The coronavirus is trapped in here with us.

6-Foot Zone

Technically now it's a 34-foot zone.
Technically now it's a 34-foot zone.

Recurring Nightmare

Oh thank goodness, I forgot my clothes, so now everyone's looking embarrassed and backing away.
Oh thank goodness, I forgot my clothes, so now everyone's looking embarrassed and backing away.

Sabotage

So excited to see everyone after my luxury cruise home from the World Handshake Championships!
So excited to see everyone after my luxury cruise home from the World Handshake Championships!

Exa-Exabyte

To picture 10^18, just picture 10^13, but then imagine you connect the left side of the 3 to close off the little bays.
To picture 10^18, just picture 10^13, but then imagine you connect the left side of the 3 to close off the little bays.

Coronavirus Worries

Offscreen, bottom left: Whether the custom :coronavirus: Slack react emoji you just added was public domain or whether you should have put a Creative Commons credit somewhere
Offscreen, bottom left: Whether the custom :coronavirus: Slack react emoji you just added was public domain or whether you should have put a Creative Commons credit somewhere

Coronavirus Research

"Also, reading 500 coronavirus papers in a row and not sleeping? Probably not great for you either, but I haven't found any studies confirming that yet. I'll keep looking."
"Also, reading 500 coronavirus papers in a row and not sleeping? Probably not great for you either, but I haven't found any studies confirming that yet. I'll keep looking."

2010 and 2020

2030: "I just bought a house for one bitcoin. No, it's the equivalent of a dollar. Houses are often transferred for a nominal fee because the buyer is taking responsibility for containing the holo-banshees in the attic."
2030: "I just bought a house for one bitcoin. No, it's the equivalent of a dollar. Houses are often transferred for a nominal fee because the buyer is taking responsibility for containing the holo-banshees in the attic."

Symptoms

This medicine says it may cause lightheadedness, dry mouth, and blurred vision, but my head feels incredibly heavy, water is pouring from my mouth, and I can see individual hummingbird wingbeats, so I think I'm fine.
This medicine says it may cause lightheadedness, dry mouth, and blurred vision, but my head feels incredibly heavy, water is pouring from my mouth, and I can see individual hummingbird wingbeats, so I think I'm fine.

Scientific Briefing

"I actually came in in the middle so I don't know which topic we're briefing on; the same slides work for like half of them."
"I actually came in in the middle so I don't know which topic we're briefing on; the same slides work for like half of them."

Business Greetings

We have email and social media now, so we probably don't need to keep exchanging business cards by pressing them gently against each others' faces with an open palm and smearing them around.
We have email and social media now, so we probably don't need to keep exchanging business cards by pressing them gently against each others' faces with an open palm and smearing them around.

Self-Isolate

Turns out I've been "practicing social distancing" for years without even realizing it was a thing!
Turns out I've been "practicing social distancing" for years without even realizing it was a thing!

Coronavirus Name

It's important to keep the spider from touching your face.
It's important to keep the spider from touching your face.

Stargazing 3

If we can destroy enough of the lights in our region, we may see more comets, but that's a risk we'll have to take.
If we can destroy enough of the lights in our region, we may see more comets, but that's a risk we'll have to take.

Truck Proximity

See also: Farm animals and dinosaurs. I am so confident that there exists children's media that involves dinosaurs driving trucks on a farm that I'm writing this without even Googling to check.
See also: Farm animals and dinosaurs. I am so confident that there exists children's media that involves dinosaurs driving trucks on a farm that I'm writing this without even Googling to check.

Ringtone Timeline

No one likes my novelty ringtone, an audio recording of a phone on vibrate sitting on a hard surface.
No one likes my novelty ringtone, an audio recording of a phone on vibrate sitting on a hard surface.

Grandpa Jason and Grandpa Chad

The AARP puts the average age of a first-time grandparent close to 50, and the CDC has some data. But I don't have first-parent age distributions for specific names, or generational first-child age correlations, so the dotted line is just a guess. Still, let's be honest: No further research is really *needed.*
The AARP puts the average age of a first-time grandparent close to 50, and the CDC has some data. But I don't have first-parent age distributions for specific names, or generational first-child age correlations, so the dotted line is just a guess. Still, let's be honest: No further research is really *needed.*

Picking Bad Stocks

On the news a few days later: "Buzz is building around the so-called 'camping Roomba' after a big investment. Preorders have spiked, and..."
On the news a few days later: "Buzz is building around the so-called 'camping Roomba' after a big investment. Preorders have spiked, and..."

Phylogenetic Tree

And I was kicked out of my March Madness pool because I wouldn't shut up about the evidence for NBA/ABA endosymbiosis.
And I was kicked out of my March Madness pool because I wouldn't shut up about the evidence for NBA/ABA endosymbiosis.

Further Research is Needed

Further research is needed to fully understand how we managed to do such a good job.
Further research is needed to fully understand how we managed to do such a good job.

Blockchain

Blockchains are like grappling hooks, in that it's extremely cool when you encounter a problem for which they're the right solution, but it happens way too rarely in real life.
Blockchains are like grappling hooks, in that it's extremely cool when you encounter a problem for which they're the right solution, but it happens way too rarely in real life.

Leap Smearing

Some people suspect that it started as a "No, I didn't forget Valentine's Day" excuse that got out of hand.
Some people suspect that it started as a "No, I didn't forget Valentine's Day" excuse that got out of hand.

Tax AI

I ended up getting my tax return prepared at a local place by a really friendly pretrained neural net named Greg.
I ended up getting my tax return prepared at a local place by a really friendly pretrained neural net named Greg.

Satellite

If you're going to let it burn up, make sure it happens over the deep end of the bathtub and not any populated parts of the house!
If you're going to let it burn up, make sure it happens over the deep end of the bathtub and not any populated parts of the house!

Cicadas

After a while you adjust to the new cicadian rhythm.
After a while you adjust to the new cicadian rhythm.

Parker Solar Probe

It will get within 9 or 10 Sun-diameters of the "bottom" (the Sun's surface) which seems pretty far when you put it that way, but from up here on Earth it's practically all the way down.
It will get within 9 or 10 Sun-diameters of the "bottom" (the Sun's surface) which seems pretty far when you put it that way, but from up here on Earth it's practically all the way down.

Worst Thing That Could Happen

Before I install any patch, I always open the patch notes and Ctrl-F for 'supervolcano', 'seagull', and 'garbage disposal', just to be safe.
Before I install any patch, I always open the patch notes and Ctrl-F for 'supervolcano', 'seagull', and 'garbage disposal', just to be safe.

Reaction Maps

If Google Maps stops letting you navigate to (Clay County District) A in West Virginia, you can try Jump, OH -> Ina, IL -> Big Hole, TX.
If Google Maps stops letting you navigate to (Clay County District) A in West Virginia, you can try Jump, OH -> Ina, IL -> Big Hole, TX.

Networking Problems

LOOK, THE LATENCY FALLS EVERY TIME YOU CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YOU BELIEVE
LOOK, THE LATENCY FALLS EVERY TIME YOU CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SAY YOU BELIEVE

Solar System Changes

"Actually, Jupiter already has a very impressive ring system!" --someone who knows Jupiter is within earshot
"Actually, Jupiter already has a very impressive ring system!" --someone who knows Jupiter is within earshot

Unsubscribe Message

A mix of the two is even worse: 'Thanks for unsubscribing and helping us pare this list down to reliable supporters.'
A mix of the two is even worse: 'Thanks for unsubscribing and helping us pare this list down to reliable supporters.'

Bad Map Projection: South America

The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.
The projection does a good job preserving both distance and azimuth, at the cost of really exaggerating how many South Americas there are.

Tattoo Ideas

The text ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US with a lengthy footnote explaining that I got this tattoo in 2020 and not, as you may assume, 2001, but offering no further clarification.
The text ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US with a lengthy footnote explaining that I got this tattoo in 2020 and not, as you may assume, 2001, but offering no further clarification.

JPEG2000

I was actually a little relieved when I learned that JPEG2000 was used in the DCI digital cinema standard. I was feeling so bad for it!
I was actually a little relieved when I learned that JPEG2000 was used in the DCI digital cinema standard. I was feeling so bad for it!

Star Wars Voyager 1

There's some flexibility depending on your standards for measuring runtime and the various special editions. If you still want to have a party, I'm sure you can find some combination that works.
There's some flexibility depending on your standards for measuring runtime and the various special editions. If you still want to have a party, I'm sure you can find some combination that works.

Parenthetical Names

I never got around to seeing that movie about the battle (of Midway).
I never got around to seeing that movie about the battle (of Midway).

Alignment Chart Alignment Chart

I would describe my personal alignment as "lawful heterozygous silty liquid."
I would describe my personal alignment as "lawful heterozygous silty liquid."

OK/okay/ok

After changing it back and forth several times and consulting with internet linguist Gretchen McCulloch, I settled on "ok" in my book How To, but I'm still on the fence. Maybe I should just switch to "oK."
After changing it back and forth several times and consulting with internet linguist Gretchen McCulloch, I settled on "ok" in my book How To, but I'm still on the fence. Maybe I should just switch to "oK."

I Love the 20s

Billboard's "Best of the 80s" chart includes Blondie's 1980 hit "Call Me." QED.
Billboard's "Best of the 80s" chart includes Blondie's 1980 hit "Call Me." QED.

New Year's Eve

"Off-by-one errors" isn't the easiest theme to build a party around, but I've seen worse.
"Off-by-one errors" isn't the easiest theme to build a party around, but I've seen worse.

Weird Hill

I'm compromising by picking a weird hill to lie on.
I'm compromising by picking a weird hill to lie on.

Christmas Presents

"The parasitism might be mediated by a fungus!" exclaimed the biologist who was trying to ruin Christmas again.
"The parasitism might be mediated by a fungus!" exclaimed the biologist who was trying to ruin Christmas again.

Edible Arrangements

Any arrangement is an edible arrangement if you're hungry enough.
Any arrangement is an edible arrangement if you're hungry enough.

Thumbtacks And String

A tattoo of a tattoo parlor receipt
A tattoo of a tattoo parlor receipt

Star Wars Spoiler Generator

The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'
The heroes seem to be gaining the upper hand until Darth Juul manages to flip the switch on the car wash control panel from 'REGULAR' to 'PREMIUM.'

Ground vs Air

Water is thinner than both, and fire is *definitely* thicker.
Water is thinner than both, and fire is *definitely* thicker.

Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect

I love Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect; I saw them open for Correct Horse Battery Staple.
I love Brussels Sprouts Mandela Effect; I saw them open for Correct Horse Battery Staple.

Timeline of the Universe

Not actual size, except technically at one spot near the left.
Not actual size, except technically at one spot near the left.

Data Error

Cyanobacteria wiped out nearly all life on Earth once before, and they can do it again!
Cyanobacteria wiped out nearly all life on Earth once before, and they can do it again!

Flu Shot

"Wait, how often are you getting bitten by snakes? And why are you boiling water?" "Dunno, the CDC people keep showing up with complicated questions about the 'history of the property' and 'possible curses' but I kinda tune them out. At least one of them offered me the flu shot."
"Wait, how often are you getting bitten by snakes? And why are you boiling water?" "Dunno, the CDC people keep showing up with complicated questions about the 'history of the property' and 'possible curses' but I kinda tune them out. At least one of them offered me the flu shot."

AI Hiring Algorithm

So glad Kate over in R&D pushed for using the AlgoMaxAnalyzer to look into this. Hiring her was a great decisio- waaaait.
So glad Kate over in R&D pushed for using the AlgoMaxAnalyzer to look into this. Hiring her was a great decisio- waaaait.

Is it Christmas?

We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.
We've tested it on 30 different days and it hasn't gotten one wrong yet.

Group Chat Rules

There's no group chat member more enigmatic than the cool person who you all assume has the chat on mute, but who then instantly chimes in with no delay the moment something relevant to them is mentioned.
There's no group chat member more enigmatic than the cool person who you all assume has the chat on mute, but who then instantly chimes in with no delay the moment something relevant to them is mentioned.

How To Deliver Christmas Presents

Building codes in hurricane zones rely on studies of how easily flying debris can break residential windows. If you're looking for a science fair project idea and you hate your neighbors, I'm sure they could always use more data!
Building codes in hurricane zones rely on studies of how easily flying debris can break residential windows. If you're looking for a science fair project idea and you hate your neighbors, I'm sure they could always use more data!

Aurora Meaning

The astro-ph.SR arXiv servers are simultaneously being overwhelmed by electronic requests and actual electricity.
The astro-ph.SR arXiv servers are simultaneously being overwhelmed by electronic requests and actual electricity.

Hotel Room Party

[proudly greeting the hotel manager at the door] "Did I do a good job?"
[proudly greeting the hotel manager at the door] "Did I do a good job?"

The Time Before and After Land

According to Google, "the time for Beeland" is apparently whenever you're looking for delicious honey in Spillimacheen, British Columbia or a hexagonal chalet in the Savinja valley in Slovenia.
According to Google, "the time for Beeland" is apparently whenever you're looking for delicious honey in Spillimacheen, British Columbia or a hexagonal chalet in the Savinja valley in Slovenia.

Versus Bracket

Some works didn't make the cut; in "Ecks vs. Sever" vs. the passage of time, the latter seems to have won pretty decisively.
Some works didn't make the cut; in "Ecks vs. Sever" vs. the passage of time, the latter seems to have won pretty decisively.

Rey and Kylo

We're like 10+ movies in and the focus has been almost entirely on the WARS half.
We're like 10+ movies in and the focus has been almost entirely on the WARS half.

Machine Learning Captcha

More likely: Click on all the pictures of people who appear disloyal to [name of company or government]
More likely: Click on all the pictures of people who appear disloyal to [name of company or government]