ABCD

[[Two guys sit and enjoy some beverages while making conversation]] Pickup Artist.: I've been learning tricks from pickup artist forums. Normal Guy: Pickup artists are dehumanizing creeps who see relationships as adversarial and women as sex toys [[The camera angle changes to show another pair of people in the background. One is a woman; the other is Black Hat Man.]] Pickup Artist: No, it's just a bunch of tips! Like "Negging": You belittle chicks to undermine their self-confidence so they'll be more vulnerable and seek your approval. Normal Guy: Just talk to them like a fucking human being. Pickup Artist: Nah, that's a sucker's game. Ok - wish me luck! Meanwhile... [[Focus changes to the table with the second pair. Black Hat Man gets from his chair and carries a bowling ball with him.]] Black Hat Man: I'm going to the bathroom to roll a bowling ball down under the line of stalls. Woman: Cool. [[Normal Guy looks at Pickup Artist approaching Woman with dread at the scene that's about to happen]] Normal Guy: Oh no. [[Pickup Artist takes a smarmy stance at Woman]] Pickup Artist: You look like you're on a diet. That's great! How's the fruit plate? Woman: Ooh - are we negging? Let me try! Woman: You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you *are*. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is *you*. [[Pickup artist looks rightfully dejected]] Woman: Ok, your turn! Ooh, try insulting my hair! Pickup Artist: I think I need to go home and think about my life. Woman: It won't help. {{Title text: Son, don't try to play 'make you feel bad' with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.}}

[[A checklist comparing thee to a summer's day: Fair, Temperate:Thee & A Summer's Day Hot, Sticky: Thee & A Summer's Day Short: Thee Harbinger of Hurricane Season: A Summer's Day Required for a Good Beach Party; Thee & A Summer's Day Major Cause of Heat Stroke in the Elderly: A Summer's Day Linked to Higher Rates of Juvenile Delinquency: Thee & A Summer's Day Sometimes Too Stifling: Thee & A Summer's Day Arrested for Releasing Snakes in Library: Thee Difficult to Focus on Work While I'm In: Thee & A Summer's Day ]] {{Title text: Frankly, I see no difference between thee and a summer's day. Only Ron Paul offers a TRUE alternative!}}

Person 1: You know those weird noises coming from my attic? Turns out some raccoons got in and were operating this, like, raccoon sex dungeon. Person 2: ...dot tumblr cot com. For me, "...Dot tumblr dot com" has been gradually replacing "would be a good name for a band." {{Title text: Dot Tumblr Dot Com, on the other hand, would be an awful name for a band, if only because of how hard it would be to direct people to your band's website.}}

[[A man sits at a computer, while another man takes a book off a shelf behind him.]] Man #1: "Error -41"? That's helpful. It doesn't even say which program it's from! Man #2: -41? I'll look it up... [[The second man looks at the book.]] Man #2: It says -41 is: "Sit by a lake." [[The two walk.]] [[The two sit down.]] [[A large, in-color painting of a lake with pond lilies.]] [[The two are still sitting.]] Man #1: I don't know where you got that book, but I like it. Man #2: Hasn't been wrong yet. {{Title text: It has a section on motherboard beep codes that lists, for each beep pattern, a song that syncs up well with it.}}

[[Scruffy is rubbing sleep out of their eyes and talking to clean shaven.]] Scruffy: Have you ever watched PBS late at night? Scruffy: I fell asleep after Downton and woke up at like 3 AM. [[The upper portion of the panel continues dialogue, while the lower shows a drunk gameshow host and several contestants. The monitor shows a field of crosses, presumably graves.]] Scruffy: Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego was back on, except the host hadn't aged well and he'd clearly been drinking. Scruffy: Every question took them to some horrible place like Mogadishu or the Cambodian killing fields. [[Now it shows a bookshelf revealing a hidden room.]] Scruffy: The kids were freaked out, but they kept playing. Eventually they were told they'd found Carmen Sandiego hiding behind a bookshelf in a Dutch apartment. Scruffy: The Chief appeared and asked "Are you proud of what you've become?" Scruffy: Then Rockapella walked out and just glared at the kids until they started crying. Clean-shaven: I, uh, don't remember the old show being that dark. Scruffy: Maybe we were too young to pick up on it. {{Title text: Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you've ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.}}

Person: We ran out of cat food. Roommate: SO Roommate: IT HAS COME TO THIS. Protip: If you're not sure what to say, try "So it has come to this"--it creates instant dramatic tension and is a valid observation in literally any situation. {{Title text: 'Come to what?' 'You. Me. This moment.'}}

[[A person in a beret stands on a shoreline and takes the environment in in silent contemplation]] [[The person heads off with an idea fresh in their head]] [[The person saunters back with a jar, some bread, and a signboard]] [[The person tears the bread off into pieces]] [[The person sets up the signboard, with its contents yet to be revealed]] [[The person heads off and waits for the plan to unfold]] [[The same beach, this time with a couple walking past. One person scratches their head with a "Whuh?" thought. The bread has attracted quite a few birds. The jar has a "$" on it. The sign says: "Gulls for sale"]] {{Title text: The investor elevator pitch is "Wheeeeeeee! Elevators are fun!"}}

[[Opening speaker stands behind a lectern decorated with the indicators of the International Astronomical Union]] Speaker: Welcome to IAU Symposium #279. Speaker: We are no strangers to controversy, and we will not shy away from the tough issues. Which brings us to the subject at hand. [[An anatomically uncensored projection of the Constellation Orion appears before the speaker]] Speaker: It's time to talk about the fact that Orion clearly has a dong. Attendee in crowd #1: It's hard to miss. Attendee #2: we could keep telling people it's a sword. Attendee #3: C'mon, no one's buying that anymore. {{Title text: Also on the agenda: what's with his hips?}}

[[A bar graph with two bars. The first bar is much taller than the second. It is marked '$1,500,000', and below the x-axis, is labelled "Cost to buy an ad on every story on a major news site every day until the election. The second bar is much shorter, marked '$200,000', and labelled "Cost to pay five college students $20 hour to camp the site 24 7 and post the first few comments the moment a story goes up, giving you the last word in every article and creating an impression of peer consensus.]] The problem with posting comments in the order they're submitted. {{Title text: 'Nuh-uh! We let users vote on comments and display them by number of votes. Everyone knows that makes it impossible for a few persistent voices to dominate the discussion.'}}

[[Two cops look through a window into an interrogation chamber holding a handcuffed suspect ]] Good Cop: All right, let's try good cop, dadaist cop [[Good Cop is seated in front of the suspect]] Good Cop: Look, you're a good guy. We can work this out. Hey, lemme get us some coffee. [[CHANGE PLACES]] [[Dadaist Cop holds up a document of indeterminate contents and threatens the suspect with it]] Dadaist Cop: See this? It's Mark Zuckerberg's Mortgage. So why is it written in *CHURCH LATIN*? [[Dadaist cop physically rattles the suspect]] Dadaist Cop: *WHY ARE MY BONES SO SMALL*? Suspect: What's *WRONG* with you!? Dadaist Cop: What's wrong with *ART*? {{Title text: NOW INVENT AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-TRANSLATE LANGUAGE AND USE IT TO TELL US WHERE THE MONEY IS.}}

When I have a boring task to get through -- a three-hour lecture, a giant file download, or a long term point goal in fitocracy -- I use this formula to convert the percentage completed (p) into a date: T=(Current Date) - (e^(20.344p^3) - e^3) years When the task is 0% done, it gives today's date, and as I make progress, I move further and further back in time ((inverse given in lighter colors)) Inverse: p = sqrt((ln(T+e^3)-3) (20.3444)) [[Line Graph explaining the correlation between completion percentages and temporal deltas. 0% = now ((Date of comic is 2012-02-14T00:00-0500, approx. 1329195600 UNIX)) 10% = September 2011 20% = 2008 30% = 1997 40% = 1958 50% = 1776 60% = 405 AD 70% = 22,000 years ago 80% = 671,000 years ago 90% = 55 million years ago 100% = 13.8 billion years ago ]] It moves slowly through the first few years, then steadily accelerates. I tuned the formula so the time spent in each part of the past is loosely proportional to how well I know it. This means I hit familiar landmarks with each bit of progress, giving me a satisfying sense of movement. ((The following are panels detailing completion percentages, correlated time periods, and notable events from this time period)) 7.308% December 18, 2011 Around this time: Kim Jong-Il dies. US leaves Iraq. 31.12% February 1995 Around this time: Windows 95 debuts. OJ found not guilty. 47.91% 1844 Around this time: Rubber vulcanized, bicycle invented, wrench patented. 70.33% 24,000 years ago Around this time: Caves painted, ceramic art made. Neanderthals extinct. 90.42% 68 million years ago Around this time: First flowering plants. Chicxulub impact kills off most dinosaurs. 100% 13.76 billion years ago Around this time: Universe begins. First stars ignite. Download complete. [[Person 1 watches a download progress on a laptop in amazement and happiness. Person 2 stands nearby and looks at person 1 with a bemused posture]] Person 1: Swoosh! Watching all that time blur past is such a rush! Person 2: So... you've tried to make an extreme sport out of.. *waiting*. Person 1: Swoosh! {{Title text: People tell me I have too much time on my hands, but really the problem is that there's too much time, PERIOD.}}

[[A man, hand on chin, thinking aloud to himself.]] Man: Flowers seem so ... trite. Something homemade? Easy to look halfhearted. [[A woman sits at her computer, one arm leaning on the back of her chair, the other hand on her chin, thinking aloud.]] Woman: Valentine's Day is a corporate construct. - But hard to opt out of. - I don't want to be a consumer tool or an inconsiderate jerk. [[The man walks down the street, still thinking aloud.]] Man: How do I fight cliché? I could get her a gift on a different day. - But what am I proving? [[The woman is leaning back in her chair, playing with a stapler.]] Woman: It's such a contrived ritual. But maybe rituals are necessary social glue. [[The man puts his hands to his face in panic.]] Man: Forty presents. No, none! No, give her five items then steal two from her. - Ok, breathe. Keep it together. [[The woman is also panicking, one hand to her face, the other still holding the stapler.]] Woman: And what if he gets me something I don't reciprocate? - Prisoners Dilemma! - AAAAAAAAAA!! [[The man and woman meet. The man is holding a basket and a jar of hammers. The woman's hand is stuck to her face.]] Man: I got you Easter candy and a jar of hammers. Woman: I panicked and stapled my hand to my face. Man: We overthought this. Woman: Yes. {{Title text: The worst resolution to the Valentine Prisoner's Dilemma when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case.}}

[[Some IDIOT used a font with TERRIBLE kerning on the side of a building for a sign labeled "CITY OFFICES". Only.. you aren't even frickin' sure because of this terrible kerning, as the "C" and the "I" in "CITY" have waaay too strong kerning. And so do the "C" and the "E" in "OFFICES", to the point that it actually looks like TWO words. And the I and the C are so close together, they almost look like a freakish K! Two people stand in front of this sign. One notices all these obvious flaws, while the other exists in peaceful ignorance.]] Person 1: *Argh*! Person 2: what? If you really hate someone, teach them to recognize bad kerning. {{Title text: I have never been as self-conscious about my handwriting as when I was inking in the caption for this comic.}}

[[Person 1 stands in front of a projection of a car, with an audience of 3 people. One of the people is the Black Hat Man.]] Person 1: Attention Please. This is a photo of my car as of two weeks ago. [[Same person in front of a new projection of the same car engulfed in flames]] Person 1: And *this* is my car as I found it this morning. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture? [[The audience ponders]] Person 2: The white balance, for one. Person 3: Focus is a bit too close. Black Hat Man: The chromatic abberation suggests you bought your camera because it had "The most megapixels". Person 1: THE CAR IS ON FIRE! comment from audience: Maybe you should use the insurance money to get a better camera. comment from different person: yeah {{Title text: Or if you replace your car, we'll be happy to set it on fire again so you can take another crack at getting that shot.}}

[[A man yells into a megaphone.]] Man: Your government has turned against you! Corporations control your every thought! - Open your eyes! [[Head-on view of man with megaphone.]] Man: Wake up, sheeple! Wake up, sheeple! - WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!! ((in between two panels)) [[The man takes the megaphone away from his mouth.]] <<RUMBLE>> [[A half-sheep half-man creature rises through the cracking earth, holding aloft a gnarled staff.]] <<B-A-A-A-A-A...>> [[Close-up on the sheep-man's eye.]] TEN THOUSAND YEARS WE SLUMBERED... NOW WE RIIIIIIIISE baaaaaaa [[A clearly upset woman goes up to the man with the megaphone, hands held out in front of her plaintively.]] Woman: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! Man: What? But I didn't- Out-of-frame #1: He awoke the Sheeple! OOF #2: Heaven forgive us! OOF #3: All is lost! {{Title text: Your will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors.}}

[[A giant praying mantis and its legion of regular-sized praying mantises attacks a team of scientists. Two of them fight back, with a gun and a baseball bat respectively, while a third is in the mantis' clutches, held aloft by his foot, his goggles falling off his face. Bullets whiz by the giant mantis' head, and a fourth scientist hides behind a desk, on which rests a microscope and an Erlenmeyer flask. A man in a cape approaches the hiding scientist.]] Caped man: Ah, no -- you wanted ENTO mology-Man, spelled with an "N." See, it's from the Greek entomon , meaning "insect," which is itself the neuter form of entomos , meaning "segmented" or... <<BLAM BLAM BLAM>> {{Title text: Hi! Someone call for me? I'm a superhero who specializes in the study of God's creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!}}

[[A man sits at a desk, thinking with his hand on his chin, his other hand holding a pen over a piece of paper. A woman stands behind him, looking over his shoulder, also with her hand on her chin.]] ((Above the drawing is the list they are writing, in handwriting.)) Names for daughter 1. Ponzi 2. Eeemily 3. Fire Fire 4. Chipotla 5. Astamouthe 6. Eggsperm 7. [sound of record scratch] 8. Parsley 9. Hot'n'Juicy Ann 10. Ovary 11. Friendly 12. Sean (pronounced "seen") 13. Joyst {{Title text: I've been trying for a couple years now but I haven't been able to come up with a name dumber than 'Renesmee'.}}

Person 1: Earthquake! Person 2: We should get to a higher ground - There could be a tidal wave. [[Person 1 takes a pedantic pose]] Person 1: You mean a tsunami. "Tidal wave" means a wave caused by tides. [[A crash is heard, followed by Etymology-Man flying in while wearing a cape]] Etymology-man: You know, that doesn't add up. Person 1 and Person 2: Etymology-man! [[Etymology-man takes a pedantic pose]] Etymology-man: What *does* "tidal wave" mean? There are waves caused by tides, but they're "tidal bores", and they're not cataclysmic. It can refer to the daily tide cycle, but that's obviously not what people mean when they say "a tidal wave hit". It's been obvious for centuries that these waves come from quakes. So why "tidal"? Etymology-man: Remember that until 2004, there weren't any clear photos or videos of tsunamis. Some modern writers even described them rearing up and breaking like surfing waves. Of course, in 2004 and 2011, it was made clear to everyone that a tsunami is more like a rapid, turbulent, inrushing tide - exactly what historical accounts describe. [[Water begins to rush in. Etymology-man keeps his pedantic pose]] Etymology-man: Maybe those writing about Lisbon in 1755 used "tidal wave" not out of scientific confusion, but because it described the wave's form - a description lost in our rush to expunge "tidal wave" from English. [[The water is now waist-deep. Etymology-man continues to drone on, but the others start to panic]] Etymology-man: "Tsunami" is now the standard, and I'm not trying to change that. But let's be a tad less giddy about correcting "tidal wave" - especially when "tsunami" just means "harbor wave", which is hardly... {{Title text: 'I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE'D be able to help.'}}

[[Guy is standing behind girl, who's sitting and watching TV.]] Guy: Hey, is that Downtown Abbey? What town is it in the downtown of, anyway? Girl: *siiiiiiiigh* Guy: --girl look at that body. We should thank LMFAO for giving us such a great way to respond to exasperated sighs. {{Title text: If you're annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.}}

[[A girl is kneeling on the floor, playing a card game.]] Girl: Hah! -- Welcome to Suckville - population: you. [[A guy is sitting on the floor opposite her, also playing the game.]] Guy: Why are you using 2000 census data? -- That's an old figure. [[The girl turns around from the game to look at her laptop, which is sitting on the floor behind her.]] Girl: I couldn't find Suckville in the 2010 census. Guy: Huh? It's right there in SF-1 table P1. Girl: Oh. So it is. [[The girl turns back to the guy, who is looking at his cards.]] Girl: Well, then. Welcome to Suckville - population: 83. Guy: Much better. {{Title text: Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit.}}

Frequency of use of the word "sustainable" in US English text, as a percentage of all words, by year. Source: Google NGrams. [[A two-axis graph with percentages increasing logarithmically (from 0.000001% to 1,000%) on the Y-axis, and years progressing linearly (from 1950 to 2140) on the X-axis. Actual data points show a high correlation from 0.00001 at 1950 to 0.001% at present day. Extrapolated data points exist for the future. 2036 (approx. 0.1%): "sustainable" occurs an average of once per page. 2061(approx. 1%): "sustainable" occurs an average of once per sentence. 2109(approx. 100%) All sentences are just the word "sustainable" over and over.]] The word "sustainable" is unsustainable. {{Title text: Though 100 years is longer than a lot of our resources.}}

Douchebag with a goatee and a bad haircut: Even though it technically *wasn't* cheating, she dumped me anyway! So I tell Bret, and he's like "She sounds just like my crazy ex." And I was like, "dude, what was her name?" and it was the *same girl*. I swear, if they made my life into a movie, no one would believe it. Person 2: Yeah, though mostly because of the poorly-written dialogue and unlikeable main character. {{Title text: Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.}}

[don't censor the web] [[Hidden in the background of the above text is Black Hat Guy, delivering the following: A message from sysadmins everywhere: Seriously, don't screw with DNS. If you break this internet, we are *not* making you a new one.]] I make my living drawing xkcd, which wouldn't have been possible if people hadn't been able to freely share my comics with each other all over the internet. As a copyright holder and small business owner, I oppose SOPA and PIPA. See the links below to learn more. [[Randall Munroe's signature, with a little drawing of himself on one of the tails]] {{Title text: In protest of SOPA, I'm currently getting totally blacked out.}}

((One panel, depicting three wavy circles. The one in the center is slightly larger, and the ones on either side are higher up. Their edges are touching.)) [[The left circle has Bruce Wayne in the foreground, with Alfred in the background.]] Alfred: Know your limits, Master Wayne. Bruce: A man dressed like a bat has no limits. [[The center circle has a close-up on Batman in his cowl.]] Someone off-screen: What the hell are you? Batman: I'm a man dressed like a bat. [[In the right circle is The Joker.]] Off-screen: What do you propose? Joker: It's simple - we kill a man dressed like a bat. My Hobby: Whenever anyone says "Batman," I mentally replace it with "a man dressed like a bat." {{Title text: I'm really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won't be, probably.)}}

Adam: It's Adam and Eve, not *Abel* and Eve!! Adam was freaked out by what he'd just walked in on. {{Title text: Abel and Steve would've been fine! I like Steve!}}

Difficulty of Various Games for Computers [[A diagram. The left column describes various levels of skill for the most capable computers in decreasing performance against humans. The right side lists games in each particular section, in increasing game difficulty. There are labels denoting the hard and easy ends of the diagram.]] Easy Solved - Computers can play perfectly Solved for all possible positions Tic-Tac-Toe NIM Ghost(1989) Connect Four(1995) Solved for starting positions Gomoku Checkers(2007) Computers can beat top humans Scrabble CounterStrike Beer Pong (UIUC robot) Reversi Chess (February 10, 1996 - First win by computer against top human; November 21, 2005 - Last win by human against top computer) Jeopardy Computers still lose to top humans (but focused R&D could change this) Starcraft Poker Arimaa Go Computers may *never* outplay humans Snakes and Ladders Mao Seven Minutes in Heaven Calvinball Hard {{Title text: The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings.}}

[[Person 1 clinging onto something while being dragged away by some unknown force]] Person 1: AAAAAAAAAA [[Person 2 similarly clinging on]] Person 2: AAAAAAAAAA [[Overhead shot of both spinning around a plain white circle in a room with other accoutrements]] Both: AAAAAAAA Earlier that day... Person 1: Haha, check it out - This guy's mansion has an actual rotating bed. Person 2: You know, I bet it wouldn't be too hard to build one of those... {{Title text: 'ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?' 'I DON'T THINK SO--ARE YOU?' 'MAYBE A LITTLE!' 'OK, FIVE MORE MINUTES.'}}

[[1000 characters, numerous of which have appeared previously in other comics, are arranged to create the number "1000". Two more people stand in the foreground commenting on the formation]] Person 1: WOOOO! Person 2: Wow - Just 24 to go until a big round-number milestone! {{Title text: Thank you for making me feel less alone.}}

[[Parent is sitting at a computer; child is standing behind.]] Parent: Whoa, ever seen Wikipedia's list of people who were attacked and killed by cougars? Parent: Crazy how many of them were kids who were just playing outside their houses. Reason #58 I should never have children: My love of learning and sharing knowledge about the world. {{Title text: If you're lying in bed tonight and you see yellow eyes glinting in your window, are you being stalked by a puma, a mountain lion, a panther, a catamount, or a cougar? Trick question--in North America, they're all names for the same species, Puma concolor! Isn't learning fun? Anyway, sleep tight!}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Left: Well, it's 2012. ((This panel has no upper and lower borders.)) Right: Yup. Right: Only 354 days left until everybody abruptly stops talking about Mayans. Left: Or thinking about Mayans. Left: Or acknowledging that huge city-building ancient American civilizations existed at all. Right: You know what they say - those who fail to learn from history can still manage a 3.0 if they ace their other subjects. {{Title text: To compensate for this, I plan to spend 2013 doing nothing but talking about Mayans. My relationships with my friends and family may not fare well.}}

Headlines! Stockpiled in case Peter Sagal, host of NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, does something newsworthy in 2012. ((Series of above-the-fold newspapers follows; Each has a headline, picture in most of them, and an explanation)) Wait Wait Don't Shoot Me [[A fierce Peter Sagal in a balaclava brandishes a gun in a supermarket]] NPR's Sagal in Whole Foods hostage standoff. Wait Wait Don't Vote For Me Peter Sagal quits race for GOP top spot [[A sullen and defeated Peter Sagal surrounded by supporters admits defeat]] Wait Wait Don't Judge Me Sagal opens up about his Kermit fantasy. [[Stock profile images of Peter Sagal and Kermit the Frog]] Wait Wait Don't Fire Me [[Stock profile image of Peter Sagal]] Peter Sagal let go after racist tirade. Wait Wait Don't Cancel Me NPR axing news quiz. [[NPR spokesperson delivering announcement]] Wait Wait Don't Interrupt Me Sagal stabs Carl Kasell in on-air dispute. [[Peter Sagal mid-attack with a knife]] Wait Wait Don't Look At Me [[Peter Sagal with a skin condition]] Peter Sagal's Poison Ivy Ordeal Peter Sagal: "My 'Nam" Wait Wait Don't Friend Me Peter Sagal deletes his Facebook account. [[Person holding up a laptop with an "Facebook account not found" screen]] Wait Wait Don't Seduce Me How Lakshmi Singh stole Sagal's Heart. [[A wistful Lakshmi Singh being left by a sullen Peter Sagal]] Wait Wait Don't Leave Me [[A wistful Peter Sagal being left by a furious Beth Sagal]] Sagal's wife out after affair Wait Wait Don't Spray Me Police Raid Sagal's Occupy NPR protest [[Scummy policeman in riot gear spraying Peter Sagal in the face point blank with what is essentially a food product]] Wait Wait Don't Indict Me Sagal, five others named in cash-for-tote-bags scandal [[Peter Sagal doing a perp walk]] Wait Wait Don't Clone Me Peter Sagal 'Outraged' over DNA harvesting. [[Fiery Peter Sagal, missing a small amount of DNA, at a podium]] Wait Wait Don't Bust Me Peter Sagal's ghost captured [[Ghostbusters, careful not to cross the streams, capture the ghost of Peter Sagal]] Wait Wait Don't Dissect Me Snoozing Sagal nearly snuffed in autopsy snafu [[Peter Sagal running away from from a very surprised pathologist]] Peter Sagal: "I ain't dead!" Wait Wait Don't Objectify Me Peter Sagal is more than just a piece of meat Wait Wait Don't Beatify Me [[Peter Sagal shakes his fist at a picture of the pope]] Peter Sagal Rebukes Pope Wait Wait Don't Me Peter Sagal Accidentally [[Peter Sagal in a blank vacant]] Wait Wait Don't Speak Its Name [[eyes... Eyes... AAAHHH]] Peter Sagal wakes Eldritch terror Peter Sagal:"AAAAAAAA" Wait Wait Even For NPR This Is A Bit Much This American Life to document the road to recovery for those who suffer the trauma of losing on Wait Wait {{Title text: You can't stab Karl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake.}}

Breast Cancer Surgery Follow-Up Oncologist: You're looking great! Remove your top so I can check how the incision is healing. Delightfully Awesome Person: Nuh-uh. Oncologist: *sigh*. Do we have to do this *every* time? Delightfully Awesome Person: You know the rules. Oncologist: This is so ridiculous. [[Oncologist fake-annoyedly searches for something in pockets]] Oncologist: Here. [[Oncologist waves around a Mardi Gras bead necklace]] Delightfully Awesome Person: Woooo! [[Delightfully Awesome Person disrobes]] {{Title text: Favorite mastectomy breast prosthesis idea: a fake boob containing a spare rechargable battery, accessed via a nipple USB port. Complete with a ring of LED charge indicators in the areola!}}

[[A mischievous, curious person empties a small bag into a whrrring machine]] [[Machine makes progressively less happy *kachunk*, *tshhhh*, *clickclickclick* and *grind* noises]] [[Machine pops, then beeps in a tone of utter defeat]] Holiday tip: Coinstar does not handle chocolate coins well. {{Title text: Plus they take like 9%.}}

((There's a single large panel. It shows a portion of an advent calendar.)) December 23rd December 24th 12:00AM December 24th NOON December 24th 6:00PM December 24th 9:00PM December 24th 10:30PM December 24th 11:15PM December 24th 11:37:30PM December 24th 11:48:45PM December 24th 11:54:22.5PM December 24th 11:57:11.25PM December 24th 11:58:35.63PM ... Zeno's Advent Calendar {{Title text: I think you could get up to about 11:59:57 before you'd have trouble swallowing the chocolates fast enough. At that point, you'd need some kind of a liquify-and-chug apparatus to get up over the 11:59:59 barrier. Anyway, Merry Christmas!}}

[[The incredibly varied shelf of a supermarket aisle. There are many different types of products on this shelf. Each type has numerous different brands, all surrounding a very plain brand that has, as its only label, the type of product. A plain bag, labeled in plain black letters, says "Potato Chips" and is surrounded by all the other various brands of potato chips. The same exists for tissues, crackers, matches, peanuts, hot sauce, sugar , milk, pasta, coffee, black beans, lima beans, mayo, ketchup, tea, and bread. There is a stark contrast between the incredibly noisy and complex labeling of every other brand and this simple one.]] If I ever sold a line of supermarket goods, this is how I'd build a brand identity overnight. {{Title text: Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say 'Like our products? Visit our website!' There would be no URL.}}

XKCD Presents: Some New Science Mnemonics ((Pattern goes: Subject Elements Traditional mnemonic Contents of frame New mnemonics)) Order of Operations Parentheses, Exponents, Division & Multiplication, Addition & Subtraction Traditional: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally [[Person having a shark delivered to his laptop]] Please Email My Dad A Shark or People Expect More Drugs And Sex SI Prefixes Big: Kilo, Mega, Giga, Tera, Peta, Exa, Zetta, Yotta Milli, Micro, Nano, Pico, Femto, Atto, Zepto, Yocto [[Graph of the declining profits of the Zune]] [[Karl Marx delivering a number of zeppelins to a bunch of confused proletariats]] Big: Karl Marx Gave The Proletariat Eleven Zeppelins, Yo Small: Microsoft Made No Profit From Anyone's Zunes, Yo Taxonomy Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species Traditional: King Philip Came Over For Good Sex Katy Perry: I'm not sure who doubts this, really. Katy Perry Claims Orgasms Feel Good Sometimes or Kernel Panics Crash Our Family Game System. Geologic Periods (Precambrian), Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous, Permian, Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous, Paleogene, Neogene Traditional: [I never learned one] [[A month's set of birth control pills]] PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome Does Cause Problems That Judicious Contraceptives Partially Negate Resistor Color Codes Black, Brown, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet, Gray, White Traditional: [none I care for] [[Glenn Beck holding the traditional "Nanobot Vaccine Chemtrail 9 11" sign]] "Big Brother Reptilian Overlords", yelled Glenn, "Brainwashing Via Ground water!!" or Be Bold, Respect Others; You'll Gradually Become Versatile, Great Wikipedians! Planets Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune Traditional: My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos [[A pregnant Mary attempting to explain things to an incredulous Joseph]] Mary's "Virgin" Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor. {{Title text: 'Sailor Moon's head exploded once' and 'Some men have explosive orgasms' both work for the Great Lakes from west to east (Paddle-to-the-Sea order).}}

[[Two people -- one in a Darth Maul mask, the other holding a lightsaber, and each holding money in his or her hand -- stand outside a building.]] [[They continue to stand there.]] [[They continue to stand there.]] [[Darth Maul turns to lightsaber guy.]] Darth Maul: Are you sure this place is a theater? Lightsaber guy: Let's give it one more month. {{Title text: We could go to the theater across town and see if it's opened THERE yet, but we don't want to lose our place in line.}}

((not a character; just a colon in a normal sentence)) Fun Fact: Stores have a competition to see who can spread your items across the most plastic shopping bags Bag Packer: Here you go! [[5 items placed in a single bag; heaviest item placed at the bottom] Shopper: Thanks! Bag Packer: Here you go! [[Same items; heaviest item now placed in separate bag]] Shopper: Oh, that's easier to carry. Bag Packer: Here you go! [[Heavy item is now double bagged]] Shopper: Double-bagging the big stuff makes sense.. Bag Packer: Here you go! [[the other 4 items are now split into 2 separate bags]] Shopper: That's a bit wasteful.. Bag Packer: Here you go! [[The 2 separate bags are now double bagged]] Shopper: You just put five items in six bags. Bag Packer: Here you go! [[Every item is now in its own, double-bagged bag.]] Shopper: OK! I give up! I'll buy a reusable bag! Bag Packer: Here you go! [[Reusable bag is double-bagged]] Shopper: Augh! {{Title text: The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.}}

[[Two people, one of which is staring at a smartphone]] Person 1: Everyone's carrying sensor-packed, always-connected computers everywhere. That wasn't true ten years ago. White Hat Guy: It's all changing too fast, huh? Person 1: No, too *slowly*. Person 1: There's so much potential here. These clumsy, poorly-designed toys are *nothing* compared to what lies ahead. [[Person 1 climbs into a cryogenic chamber]] Person 1: That's why I've worked to develop cryogenic freezing. I'm gonna skip forward 30 years and use this stuff when it's *good*. 30 years later.. Someone who isn't Terry: Welcome to the future! Nothing's changed. Person 1: What? Why?? [[rows of other people waking up out of their own cryogenic chambers]] not Terry: When cryogenic freezing was invented, all the engineers who were excited about the future froze themselves. So there's been no one building anything new. not Terry: But they're all waking up now! Person 1: Sweet! I'm gonna jump forward to see what they do! Engineer 1: Me too! Engineer 2: Wait, uh, guys? {{Title text: 'Welcome to the future! Nothing's changed.' was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup.}}

The 20 most-played Christmas songs (2000-2009 radio airplay) by decade of popular release [[A bar chart labeled on the X-axis with the decades "1900s" through "2000s" labeled. Each bar has, as one unit, a labeled song. "1900s", "1910s", "1920s", "1980s", "1990s", and "2000s" are empty. "1930s" has "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". "1940s" has "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", "Winter Wonderland", "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire", "Let it Snow", "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas", "I'll be Home for Christmas", and "White Christmas". "1950s" has "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", "Jingle Bell Rock", "Blue Christmas", "Little Drummer Boy", "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", "Silver Bells", "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas", "Sleigh Ride", and "Frosty the Snowman" "1960s" has "Holly Jolly Christmas" and "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" "1970s" has "Feliz Navidad"]] Every year, American culture embarks on a massive project to carefully recreate the Christmases of Baby Boomers' childhoods. {{Title text: An 'American tradition' is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice.}}

Narrator: When teachers complain "You're not working at your full potential!" [[Explosion in background]] Narrator: Don't take it too hard. [[car casually spirals through the air while a crash is heard in the background]] Narrator: They complain *way* more when you do. [[A mechanized, 6-tentacled robot rampages around, picking up cars and creating a small warzone before the student inside while the lamentations of people and the building of military forces are in the background]] {{Title text: The bunch of disadvantaged kids I was tutoring became too good at writing, and their essays were forcing me to confront painful existential questions, so I started trying to turn them on to drugs and crime instead.}}

[[Person leaving the bathroom, headed towards a nearby water fountain. Person having a drink at said water fountain. Person grumblingly reentering the bathroom. Same person leaving the bathroom. Cycle repeats endlessly in a horrific sisyphean loop.]] I avoid drinking fountains outside bathrooms because I'm afraid of getting trapped in a loop. {{Title text: I've always wondered whether you could drink slowly enough, and eliminate fast enough, that you just sort of peed continuously. But I'm afraid to try because I worry someone might call while I'm doing it and ask what I'm up to, and I won't be able to think of a lie.}}

[[An average news anchor reading news copy of below average intelligence appears on a TV, with one person watching it in utter disgust]] News Anchor: Senator Grayton's campaign has imploded following the candidate's promise to give tax breaks to drunk drivers and to authorize the use of unmanned Predator drones in the War On Christmas. Grayton had been polling at 20%, but his support has since plunged by 19%. I hate the ambiguity created when people don't distinguish between percentages and percentage points. {{Title text: Grayton also proposed making college scholarships available exclusively to sexually active teens, amnesty for illegal immigrants who create room for themselves by killing a citizen, and a graduated income tax based on penis size. He has been endorsed by Tracy Morgan, John Wilkes Booth's ghost, and the Time Cube guy.}}

Person 1: Check out the SLS - 130 tons to orbit. Finally, rockets that improve on the ones we had 40 years ago. Black Hat Man: Are we getting Nazis to build those ones too? Person 1, offscreen: What? Black Hat Man, offscreen: When we first captured von Braun and his team, we had our engineers interview them, then *we* built the rockets. But our rockets kept exploding [[von Braun interviewed by a scientist while under guard]] [[The same scientist in front of a spectacularly exploding rocket]] Black Hat Man, narrating: Eventually we gave up and had the German teams do it, and they built us the Saturn V moon rocket. [[The Saturn V gracefully arcing across the night sky]] Person 1: I'm.. not sure what lesson to take from that. Black Hat Man: "If you want something done right ,learning from the Nazis isn't enough. You have to actually put them in charge. Person 1: That's a *terrible* lesson. Black Hat Man: Then I guess you should get a Nazi to come up with a better one. {{Title text: The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, 'I don't expect you to date me just because I'm a rocket scientist, but you've gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.'}}

Dorm: [[An incredibly libidinous, extremely attractive couple try and enter one person's dorm room.]] Locked. Other Dorm: [[The same couple in the other person's dorm room, where the roommate is sitting at a computer playing an MMO]] Roommate: I'll be done tuesday. Roommate in raid Library Rare Book Collection: [[Libidinous couple staring inside the room from outside. Nelson Mandela and other university workers inside the room, looking at some extremely expensive items]] Occupied by tour for visiting Nelson Mandela Accelerator Tunnel: [[Couple stares at a heavy, imposing door denying them entry]] Sealed while beam is in operation. Beaver Lodge (stop snickering!): [[couple attempting to enter an occupied beaver lodge]] Frozen over for winter to keep out predators; only accessible via underwater entrance. Hyperspace: [[Couple in front of a number of highly advanced physics textbooks]] Person 1: Are you *sure*? Ruled out by current understanding of physics. {{Title text: Eventual headline: 'University Researchers Create Life in Lab! Darkness, Faulty Condoms Blamed.'}}

[[A woman with a ponytail stands at a blackboard, facing away from it. She has a pointer in her hand, and written on the blackboard is some set theory math.]] Woman: The axiom of choice allows you to select one element from each set in a collection -- and have it executed as an example to the others. {{Title text: Proof of Zermelo's well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn't managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I'll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.}}

[[A person sits at a desk, looking at a laptop screen with one hand on his chin.]] Person: So I thought I found your porn folder, in calendar backup PORN -- Person #2 (off screen): Don't open that! [[A wider shot of the person looking at the laptop.]] Person #1: But it contains a bunch more folders, filled with more folders, and then... after 20 levels, somehow I'm back at the main folder? Person #2 (off screen): It's, uh, well hidden. [[The person has turned around in the chair, now with the laptop in his lap.]] Person #1: I think there's no actual porn here. - You're just turned on by filesystems. Person #2 (off screen): It's a hardlinked directory loop -- so taboo! Person #1: Now I feel dirty sharing a drive with you. {{Title text: Eww, gross, you modified link()? How could you enjoy abusing a filesystem like that?}}

Money all of it ((this transcription is only reproducing text visible on the front page comic. There are 5 large panels, each with a series of plots, comparing the values of various things.)) Dollars ((This section covers single coffees up to the hourly salaries of CEOs)) Thousands ((This section discusses values from around $1000 to $1000000, including a dissection of the song 'If I had $1000000')) Millions ((This section focuses on $1000,000 to $1000,000,000, with a large section on campaign contributions of American political presidential campaigns, values of expensive works of art, and J. K. Rowling.)) Billions ((This section gets into larger scale finances, profits of various sectors, costs of natural disasters, and net worths of the richest people on the planet. Also, Donald Trump.)) Trillions ((Global financial status is described here. It discusses derivatives, liquid assets, public debt by nation and GDP by continent, culminating with the total economic production of the human race to date.)) {{Title text: There, I showed you it.}}

((A poem is written outside the only panel, right justified along the left edge of the only panel.)) Never have I felt so close to another soul And yet so helplessly alone As when I Google an error And there's one result A thread by someone with the same problem And no answer Last posted to in 2003 [[A person stands in front of his computer, shaking it violently while looking at the screen.]] Person: Who were you, DenverCoder9? - WHAT DID YOU SEE?! {{Title text: All long help threads should have a sticky globally-editable post at the top saying 'DEAR PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE: Here's what we've figured out so far ...'}}

Where Citations Come From: Citogenesis Step #1 Through a convoluted process, a user's brain generates facts. These are typed into Wikipedia. [[A guy with short hair sits at a desk, typing on a laptop.]] Guy: (typing) The "scroll lock" key was designed by future Energy Secretary Steven Chu in a college project. A rushed writer checks Wikipedia for a summary of their subject. [[A woman with a ponytail sits at a desk, typing on a desktop.]] Woman: (typing) US Energy Secretary Steven Chu, (Nobel Prizewinner and creator of the ubiquitous "scroll lock" key) testified before Congress today... Step #2 Surprised readers check Wikipedia, see the claim, and flag it for review. A passing editor finds the piece and adds it as a citation. [[A man sits on a couch with a laptop in his lap, typing.]] Man: Google is your friend, people. (typing) <ref>{{cite web|url= Step #3 Step #4 Now that other writers have a real source, they repeat the fact. [[A flow chart, with "Wikipedia citation" in the center. The word "Wikipedia" is in black, the word "citations" is white with a red background. A black arrow leads from "brain" to "Wikipedia." A black arrow labeled "words" leads from "Wikipedia" to "careless writers," and a red arrow labeled "citations" leads back to "Wikipedia citations." A black & red arrow leads from "Wikipedia" to "cited facts" which leads to "slightly more careful writers," which leads to "more citations," which leads back to "Wikipedia" (all black & red arrows).]] References proliferate, completing the citogenesis process. {{Title text: I just read a pop-science book by a respected author. One chapter, and much of the thesis, was based around wildly inaccurate data which traced back to ... Wikipedia. To encourage people to be on their toes, I'm not going to say what book or author.}}

((The comic is one large panel, with different types of map projections listed in two columns. Each listing has an illustration of that projection plus a short paragraph describing the individual who prefers that projection.)) What your favourite Map Projection says about you. Mercator [[A drawing of the Mercator projection is shown. In this the world is distorted to fit into a perfect square, centred on Africa.]] You're not really into maps. Robinson [[A drawing of the Robinson projection is shown. Areas near the poles in this projection are fairly distorted, but the distortion is greatly reduced when moving toward the equator.]] You have a comfortable pair of running shoes that you wear everywhere. You like coffee and enjoy the Beatles. You think the Robinson is the best-looking projection, hands down. Winkel-Tripel [[The Winkel-Tripel projection is similar to the Robinson projection, with less distortion at the poles. However the distortion at equivalent latitudes differs as the longitude varies.]] National Geographic adopted the Winkel-Tripel in 1998, but you've been a W-T fan since long before "Nat Geo" showed up. You're worried it's getting played out, and are thinking of switching to the Kavrayskiy. You once left a party in disgust when a guest showed up wearing shoes with toes. Your favourite musical genre is "post-". Hobo-Dyer [[The Hobo-Dyer projection is a cylindrical projection resulting in significant latitudinal distortion. The result is a rectangular image with the poles vertically compressed, and land near the equator stretched.]] You want to avoid cultural imperialism but you've heard bad things about Gall-Peters. You're conflict-averse and buy organic.l You use a recently-invented set of gender-neutral pronouns and think that what the world needs is a revolution in consciousness. A globe! [[It's a globe.]] Yes, you're very clever. Pierce Quincuncial [[This is a square projection centred over the north pole. The continents stretch out radially from the centre of the map and bits of Antarctica are visible in each corner of the projection.]] You think that when we look at a map, what we really see is ourselves. After you first saw Inception , you sat silent in the theater for six hours. It freaks you out to realise that everyone around you has a skeleton inside them. You have really looked at your hands. ((The second column of projections starts here.)) Van Der Grinten [[This projection displays the continents inside a perfectly circular frame. The continents are displayed with similar distortion to what you would see in the Robinson or Winkel-Tripel projections.]] You're not a complicated person. You love the Mercator projection; you just wish it weren't so square. The earth's not a square, it's a circle. You like circles. Today is gonna be a good day! Dymaxion [[The Dymaxion projection attempts to unfold the earth into a polyhedral net, centred on the north pole. The map has no set shape, instead it looks to be made out of a series of triangles.]] You like Isaac Asimov, XML, and shoes with toes. You think the segway got a bad rap. You own 3D goggles, which you use to view rotating models of better 3D goggles. You type in Dvorak. Goode Homolosine [[The Goode Homolosine projection attempts to minimise distortion by combining two equal area projections onto a split projection. The map resembles a smooth unfolded net, with landmasses kept whole where possible.]] They say mapping the earth on a 2D surface is like flattening an orange peel, which seems easy enough to you. You like easy solutions. You think we wouldn't have so many problems if we'd just elect normal people to congress instead of politicians. You think airlines should just buy food from the restaurants near the gates and serve that on board. You change your car's oil, but secretly wonder if you really need to. Plate Carrée (Equirectangular) [[This projection maps latitude and longitude to a rectangular grid, leading to significant longitudinal distortion near the poles.]] You think this one is fine. You like how x and y map to latitude and longitude. The other projections overcomplicate things. You want me to stop asking about maps so you can enjoy dinner. Waterman Butterfly [[This projection unfolds the world into a net, similar to the Dymaxion projection. It is centred on the Atlantic, and resembles a butterfly with the Americas on the western wing, with Europe and Africa on the eastern wing.]] Really? You know the Waterman? Have you seen the 1909 Cahill map it's based-- ...You have a framed reproduction at home?! Whoa. ...Listen, forget these questions. Are you doing anything tonight? Gall-Peters [[Another rectangular projection, this map suffers significant distortion near the poles, and significant latitudinal distortion in general.]] I hate you. {{Title text: What's that? You think I don't like the Peters map because I'm uncomfortable with having my cultural assumptions challenged? Are you sure you're not ... ::puts on sunglasses:: ... projecting?}}

[[A person is sailing a cat-rigged sailboat. He detaches the mainsheet from the stern.]] [[The sailor pulls back on the mainsheet.]] [[The sailor stands up and pulls harder, causing the sail to arc outward.]] [[He continues pulling as hard as he can, and the sail begins to buckle outward in a semi-circular shape.]] [[Finally, the sail buckles so hard that a bubble forms and detaches from the sail, which begins to return to its normal shape.]] [[The sailor sits down and scratches his head in confusion as the bubble floats away.]] {{Title text: It only works a few times before you have to capsize the boat in a soap lagoon again.}}

[[A person is giving a lecture in front of a white board, pointing to a diagram with a pointer.]] Lecturer: The occulting observatory consists of two parts -- the telescome and the discs. When the telescope sees a star, a disc is carefully steered to block its light. [[A diagram of a satellite (labeled "telescope") with waves going from it on the left, across to the other side of the diagram (labeled "light from star") on the right. In the middle is a small vertical line (labeled "disc"), stopping some of the light waves from the right traveling to the left of the diagram.]] This procedure is repeated until all stars are covered. [[The lecturer looks down at a student.]] Student (off screen): Wait, all? Why? Lecturer: I'll feel better. [[Close-up on lecturer.]] Student (off-screen): I thought the point was to image extrasolar planets. Lecturer: The point is that there are too many stars. -- It's been freaking me out. Student: What? Student#2 (in smaller letters): He has a point... {{Title text: Type II Kardashev civilizations eventually completely enclose their planetary system in a Dyson sphere because space is way too big to look at all the time.}}

[[A person sits at a table, eating a meal.]] Person: Can you pass the salt? [[The person pauses, a bite of food on his fork, silently.]] [[The person still has fork in mid-air.]] Person: I said-- Off-screen Person: I know! I'm developing a system ot pass you arbitrary condiments. Person: It's been 20 minutes! OSP: It'll save time in the long run! {{Title text: I find that when someone's taking time to do something right in the present, they're a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they're a master artisan of great foresight.}}

[[One of them damn kids that won't get OFF MY LAWN plays with some gadgetamabob while ignoring every damn thing around him off in the background. Person 1 with a white hat, along with another person with long hair is in the foreground]] Person 1: See, that's the problem with the MTV generation - no attention span. Person 2: You know, that phrase referred to the 12-19 demographic that formed the core MTV audience in the mid-1980s. Person 1: Uh huh. So? Person 2: That generation's now in their 40s. [[Person 1 scratches their head]] Person 1: That can't be right. Person 2: Face it: your problem with the MTV generation is their *kids*. {{Title text: If you identified with the kids from The Breakfast Club when it came out, you're now much closer to the age of Principal Vernon.}}

[[Black Hat Guy and a person sit in a room]] Black Hat Guy: Did you know November is Tongue Awareness Month? [[Person is suddenly aware of their tongue]] [[Person continues to be aware of their tongue]] [[Person is *still* aware of their tongue]] Person: I hate you. Black Hat Guy: Enjoy the next four weeks. {{Title text: November marks the birthday of Charles Schulz, pioneer of tongue awareness.}}

[[Person 1 and 2 stand in front of Person 2's bookcase. Person 1 flips through a number of them]] Person 1: All your books are full of blank pages. Person 2: Not true. That one has some ink on page 78. [[Person 1 looks at page 78]] Person 1: A smudge. Person 2: So? Person 1: There are no words. You're not reading. There's no *story* there. Person 2: Maybe not for you. When I look at those books, I think about all *kinds* of stories. Person 2: Reading is about more than what's on the page. Holding a book prompts my mind to enrich itself. Frankly, I suspect the book isn't even necessary. Person 2: The whole industry is evil. Greedy publishers and rich authors try to convince us our brains *need* their words. But I refuse to be a sucker. Person 1: Who sold you all these blank books? {{Title text: I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you're giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying--it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.}}

[[A soldier wearing a olive drab green hat sits in front of a computer]] Computer: Welcome to the missile launch web interface! <<mouse click>> Computer: Enter the target's coordinates. <<type type>> Enter your email address for our records. <<type type>> Enter your email again, to ensure you typed it correctly. [[Green Hat Man sits there with an even blanker look on his face than normal]] {{Title text: I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It's interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.}}

[[A wardrobe with an anchor attached to it falls into the ocean]] Q = A(2gd)^(1 2) Q = flow rate A = area of opening d = ocean depth (2 km) g = Earth gravity Flow: ~400,000 liters s Water jet velocity: ~200 m s The White Witch didn't know what hit her. {{Title text: If you fire a Portal gun through the door of the wardrobe, space and time knot together, which leads to a frustrated Aslan trying to impart Christian morality to the Space sphere.}}

[[Person 1 drags a small wagon and a bag full of various items]] Person 1: You are not the light of my life. Making you happy isn't my greatest dream. [[Person 1 places the items in an even bigger pile of even more random items]] Person 1: Your smile is not all I live for. I've got my own stuff going on. But you're strange and fascinating and I've never met anyone like you. [[Person 1 stares in awe as Person 2 assembles the items into a gargantuan, intoxicatingly complex machine]] Person 1: I want to give you everything just to see what you'd do with it. {{Title text: I wanna hold your hand so I don't fall out of your gyrocopter.}}

[[Two people stand in a field of wheat. The people are drawn in the typical black and white stick figure style, but the field is immensely detailed, with the grain coloured a rich amber and stroked such that individual stalks can be picked out, with a few dark bands providing contrast. In the distance a low mountain range is visible and in the sky a few scattered fluffy white clouds float low over the horizon.]] Person 1: Well, when we observe them, they become amber particles of grain. {{Title text: Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.}}

[[Two people are having a conversation.]] Person 1: 9 11 was an inside job! Jet fuel can't burn hot enough to melt steel! Person 2: Well, remember - jet fuel wasn't the only thing on those planes. They would've also carried tanks full of the mind-control agents airliners use to make chemtrails. Who knows what temperature that stuff burns at! Person 1: Whoa. Good point! {{Title text: The 'controlled demolition' theory was concocted by the government to distract us. '9 11 was an inside job' was an inside job!}}

[[Aang the Avatar and Dmitri Mendeleev stand in opposition to each other. Aang wields all 4 classical elements: Water, Fire, Earth, and Air.]] Aang: I'm the avatar, master of all 4 elements! Mendeleev: Really? I'm Mendeleev, master of all 118+. <<swoosh>> Mendeleev: That was polonium-bending. You probably didn't feel anything, but the symptoms of radiation poisoning will set in shortly. {{Title text: Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propaganda.}}

[[Person 1 finds dorm room]] [[View into the dorm room. The left half is already occupied, and Person 2 has filled his side with the normal accoutrements of dorm life. There is a Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" poster hanging on the far wall, offset and only on Person 2's side]] [[Person 1 has a bit of a ponder]] [[Person 1 leaves for a bit]] [[Person 1 returns with an item]] [[View into the dorm room. Person 1 is moving in, and has placed a second Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" poster modified with a lens in the rainbow's path. The poster is placed upside down on Person 1's side of the far wall to catch the rainbow, feed it back into the prism, and turn it back into a narrow stream of white light.]] {{Title text: I was going to record an album with that cover under the name "PINK FTFY", so it'd come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they're thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.}}

[[The comic is a graph, with the x axis labelled "Time since I last had to open Xorg.conf" and the y axis labelled "General satisfaction with how my life is going". A curve starting at (0,0) snakes toward the upper right of the graph.]] {{Title text: Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.}}

The Fermi Paradox: Planets are so common that life should be too. So where is it? [[A person with an unusual suit runs.]] Well, now we know. It's not that life inevitably destroys itself with war. [[The person keeps running.]] It's just that it takes longer to develop space colonization. [[The person leaps off a cliff]] Than it does to invent an activity.. ..more fun than survival. [[Youtube video of the person, with the suit opening up into a wingsuit. As this is youtube, the comments have not been shown. Two people are watching the video offpanel.]] Person 1: Holy crap. Person 2: I don't care how dangerous it is. I have to try it. {{Title text: And no avian society ever develops space travel because it's impossible to focus on calculus when you could be outside flying.}}

[[Two people before a memorial with an eternally spinning wait cursor. They contemplate silently on an influential life. Goodbye, Steve.]] {{Title text: There's always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.}}

[[Two people are gathered around a computer. A person is seated interacting with the computer while another stands behind them with an arm resting on the back of the chair.]] Person 1 (seated): What hidden arrow? Person 2 (standing): I thought everyone knew about it. Pull up the FedEx logo. <<Click>> [[The second person is now pointing at the screen.]] Person 1: Where is it? Person 2: Right there. Look at the whitespace. Person 1: I don't see it. [[The next panel shows a stylised view of the FedEx logo. The white space above the 'ed' in Fed is decorated to look like a tank turret with the barrel extending into the letter 'F'. Along the bottom of the letters a baseball player with the number 24 on his back is reaching out to catch a baseball. The baseball is forming the centre of the 'e' while the arm provides the break for the tail. The baseballers head marks the centre of the 'd' and the number 24 is coloured in blue to show the lower half of the stroke of the 'd'. Toward the right of the image the space between the 'E' and 'x' has been decorated to look like a Guy Fawkes mask, with ties wrapping around the 'x' and being drawn off-screen. A faint outline suggests the whitespace above the 'x' is a hat, with the brim extending into the upper part of the 'E'. Two speech bubbles are visible above the drawing, both spoken by off-screen characters.]] Person 1 (off-screen): All I see if Guy Fawkes watching Willie Mays catch a fly ball while an armored assault vehicle rolls past. Person 2 (off-screen): ...You either need more medication or less. Not sure which. {{Title text: Once you see it, you can't help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.}}

[[Three people stand together singing Christmas carols.]] Carolers (in unison): Good king Wenceslas looked out on the-- [[Hat man leans out of an above ground window.]] Hat man: King Wenceslas massacred my people. [[The carolers stand in silence.]] {{Title text: For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.}}

[[Person 1 is sitting at a desk with a laptop, looking at a review website]] Person 1: What's with this negative review? You *liked* that hotel. Black Hat Man: I have a script that posts a bad review for every hotel I stay at. It reduces demand, which means more vacancies and lower prices next time. Person 1: What if the place sucks? Black Hat Man: I change the review to positive to steer other people over there. Person 1: You punish companies you like! Black Hat Man: The odds of *my* review putting a hotel out of business are negligible. Person 1: If we all did that the system would collapse! Black Hat Man: Doesn't affect my logic. Tragedy of the commons. Person 1: That's not even the tragedy of the commons anymore. That's the tragedy of you're a dick. Black Hat Man: If you're quick with a knife, you'll find that the invisible hand is made of delicious invisible meat. {{Title text: 'Rating: 1 5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.'}}

[[News anchor at desk reporting]] Reporter: Fear turned to confusion today as Hurricane Rina developed to Piaget stage 5, with sustained interests in objects and their properties. {{Title text: Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.}}

[[Two people hang out in front of a tree]] Person 1: Whoa. What's this? Person 2: What's what? Person 1: This tree has a USB port. Person 2: Try connecting to it, I guess [[Person 1 brings out a laptop and connects to it]] Person 1: It's offering up a drive with one file on it. Person 2: What's the file? Person 1: An eBook. "Shel_Silverstein_-_The_Giving_Tree.azw" Person 2: Never heard of it. Let's take a look! Laptop: DRM Error: You have not purchased rights to view this title. Lending is not enabled. Person 2: Huh. Oh well. Person 1: Let's go see what Mike is up to. [[The tree is alone]] {{Title text: In the new edition of The Giving Tree, the tree uses social tools to share with its friend all the best places to buy things.}}

[[Two people are talking.]] Person 1: Did you see the neutrino speed of light thing? Person 2: Yup! Good news; I need the cash. Person 1: Huh? Cash? ((Text above half-sized panel.)) Yeah. When there's a news story about a study overturning all of physics, i used to urge caution, remind people that experts aren't all stupid, and end up in pointless arguments about Galileo. ((Half-height panel.)) [[Man sitting on chair, looking down at laptop in his lap. Books and things are on a desk in front of him.]] Man: No, this isn't about whether relativity exists. If it didn't, your GPS wouldn't work. -- What do you mean, "science thought police"? Have you seen our budget? We couldn't begin to afford our own thought police. [[Two talking people again.]] Person 1: That sounds miserable and unfulfilling. Person 2: Yup. So I gave up, and now I just find excited believers and bet them $200 each that the new result won't pan out. [[Same as last panel.]] Person 1: That's mean. Person 2: It provides a good income, and if I'm ever wrong, I'll be too excited about the new physics to notice the loss. {{Title text: I can't speak to the paper's scientific merits, but it's really cool how on page 10 you can see that their reference GPS beacon is sensitive enough to pick up continental drift under the detector (interrupted halfway through by an earthquake).}}

[[Hat man is standing on an escalator as it ascends. He is carrying a pole with what looks like a bracket on each end, resting on his shoulder. In front of him is a punk with spiked hair and a girl with her hair in a ponytail. Behind him is a featureless person and a man wearing glasses with a goatee standing next to someone with short hair.]] [[The view closes on hat man and the person behind him. In the background a girl can be seen standing on the descending escalator.]] Person: This is a long escalator. Hat man: 70 meters. Longest in the country. [[The view opens a bit wider. In the background the girl from the last panel has now passed the group and a few other people can be seen descending.]] Person: Why're you carrying a chin-up bar? Hat man: Why aren't you wearing a hat? [[The view opens up to show the same people in the first panel. They're near the top of the escalator now and the girl with the ponytail is beginning to step off.]] Person: Seriously, why did you bring it? Hat man: How should I know? I'm not a psychologist. [[As hat man steps off the escalator he turns and installs the chin-up bar such that it blocks people from leaving the escalator. The person talking to him turns to observe what hat man is doing.]] <<Twist>> <<Click click>> [[They get onto the descending escalator. The man with glasses and a goatee and his companion are blocked from leaving the escalator by the chin-up bar.]] ((The next panel is the size of 6 regular panels combined.)) [[The view shows an extended section of the escalator, the top right has become a pile of people all squished together and on top of each other. One person has grabbed another by the hair and is standing on a third person in an attempt to not fall. Someone is falling off the pile and another person is running down the escalator to avoid them. People closer to the bottom of the escalator are looking horrified at the scene ahead of them. In the background hat man and his companion are visible. Hat man is looking toward the bottom of the escalator, not caring or noticing the chaos unfolding. His companion looks back pensively.]] {{Title text: Those few who escaped found the emergency cutoff box disabled. The stampede lasted two hours and reached the bottom three times.}}

[[Two people are talking.]] Person 1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that this question is using Binary? Person 2: ...4? Person 1: What's a 4? {{Title text: If you get an 11 100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a 'C', they'll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.}}

[[The Hat man sit on a couch, reading a book. A person is approaching him from behind the couch holding a picture in a frame, a screwdriver, and some screws.]] Person: Have you seen my stud finder? I've looked everywhere. Hat man: It sounds like you may be interested in my new product, a-- Person: Shut up. {{Title text: According to every stud finder I've tried to use, my walls contain a rapidly shifting network of hundreds and hundreds of studs.}}

[[A person is standing next to a petrol bowser filling their vehicle with petrol. They are being addressed by a different person, who is pointing off-screen.]] Person 2 (talking to 1): Why are you going here? Gas is ten cents a gallon cheaper at the station five minutes that way. Person 1 (pumping gas): Because a penny saved is a penny earned ((The caption below the panel reads: "If you spend nine minutes of your time to save a dollar, you're working for less than minimum wage.")) {{Title text: And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn't matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.}}

[[A twin prop airplane flies high overhead.]] Off-screen person: What's that airplane? [[The plane lands, a pilot steps out and waves to the crowd.]] Off-screen person: Holy crap - Is that Amelia Earhart? [[The frame shows a close up of Amelia Earhart.]] Amelia: Hey everyone! My flight was a success! Off-screen person: But... Where were you? [[The frame shows a wide view of Amelia again, she stops waving.]] Amelia: I flew around the world! Off-screen person: But you disappeared in 1937! Amelia: Right, to fly around the world. Off-screen person: It's 2011! Amelia: The world is big. It's a long flight. Off-Screen person: But you... Off-Screen person: It's not... Off-Screen person: I- Amelia: Can I talk to someone smarter? {{Title text: The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by 'James'.}}

[[A person stands near a computer, talking on the phone to another person.]] Person 1: You want your cousin to send you a file? easy. He can email it to- ... Oh, it's 25 MB? Hmm... Person 1: Do either of you have an FTP server? No, right. Person 1: If you had web hosting, you could upload it... Person 1: Hm. We could try one of those MegaShareUpload stes, but they're flaky and full of delays and porn popups. Person 1: How about AIM Direct Connect? Anyone still use that? Person 1: Oh, wait, Dropbox! It's tis recent startup from a few years back that syncs folders between computers. You just need to make an account, install the- Person 1: Oh, he just drove over to your house with a USB drive? Person 1: Uh, cool, that works too. I like how we've had the internet for decades, yet "sending files" is something early adopters are still figuring out how to do. {{Title text: Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend's laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.}}

[[A person with shoulder length hair sits on a wheeled computer chair at a desk. A laptop computer is on the desk playing some sort of media with audio. The person is facing away from the computer addressing someone off panel.]] Person: Did you see the Cleverbot-Cleverbot chat? Computer: I am not a robot. I'm a unicorn. [[The first person has wheeled away from the desk and is now seating in front of the second person.]] Person 2: Yeah. It's hilarious, but it's just clumsily sampling a huge database of lines people have typed. Chatterbots still have a long way to go. [[The panel shows a close-up of the first persons head and shoulders. They have a hand to their chin and appear to be contemplating the last remark.]] Person 1: So... Computers have mastered playing chess and driving cars across the desert, but can't hold five minutes of normal conversation? Person 2 (off-screen): Pretty much. [[The panel shows a wide view of both people again.]] Person 1: Is it just me, or have we created a Burning Man attendee? {{Title text: And they both react poorly to showers.}}

Person 1: Sure, 2% interest may not *seem* like a lot. But it's *compound*! [[Person 2 opens a computer and begins calculating]] Person 1: If you invest $1,000 now, in just ten short years you'll have.. ..let's see.. Person 1: ..$1,279. Person 1: Ok, so compound interest isn't some magical force. Person 2: Yeah, I'm just gonna try to make more money. {{Title text: But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.}}

[[Two cars are parked next to each other. The car on the left is an urban SUV and has stickers on the rear window representing a family. From left to right there is an adult male, adult female, female youth, male youth, and young child. The car on the right is a sporty hatch back, it has similar stickers on the rear window, with an adult male and adult female. Instead of the youth and child stickers there is instead a large pile of money.]] {{Title text: My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.}}

[[Two people are standing next to each other having a conversation.]] Person 1: My Mom's house burned down. Person 2: Oh! I'm sorry! Person 1: Why? It's not your fault. Person 2: It's nice of you to say that, but I know what I did. It annoys me when people interpret an obviously sympathetic "I'm sorry" as an apology, so I've started responding by making it one. {{Title text: You know I've always hated her.}}

[[A weather reporter sits behind a desk with an image of the Gulf of Mexico and surrounding land masses displayed to his left. 9 hurricane symbols are scattered across the map, primarily over Cuba.]] Reporter: After the latest wave of hurricanes, not only have we run through the years lit of 21 names, but we've also used up the backup list of Greek letters. All subsequent storms will be named using random dictionary words. Reporter: The newly-formed system in the gulf has been designated "Hurricane Eggbeater", and we once again pray this is the final storm of this horrible, horrible season. {{Title text: After exhausting the OED, we started numbering them. When overlapping hurricanes formed at all points on the Earth's surface, and our scheme was foiled by Cantor diagonalization, we just decided to name them all "Steve". Your local forecast tomorrow is "Steve". Good luck.}}

[[Two people are standing together, one with long hair (presumably female) and one without visible hair (presumably male).]] Woman: Will you marry me? [[The male person throws his hands in the air excitedly.]] Man: Let's find out! [[The couple are now standing in front of an altar. A flower arch stretches over the couple and a person is standing behind the altar. The female person is wearing a knee length white dress and a veil. The male person is wearing a bow tie. They are holding hands.]] [[The couple stand together, still dressed from the wedding and still holding hands.]] Man: Apparently, yes! {{Title text: I'm as surprised as you!}}

[[The panel shows a close up of a person reading a book. The book is called "How To Juggle" and has a picture of a person juggling on the cover.]] [[The view now shows the entirety of the person. A book is splayed on the floor behind them, and they are holding some juggling balls.]] [[The person throws the juggling balls in the air.]] [[They lower their arms to prepare to catch the balls. The balls are still hovering in mid-air.]] [[The person now stands with their arms by their sides. The balls have not moved and are still suspended in mid-air.]] [[The person jumps, trying to grab the lowest ball. They can't reach.]] [[The person scratches their head and stares at the still floating juggling balls.]] [[They throw the book into a trash can.]] {{Title text: Later: 'Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?'}}

((The comic is narrated by an unspecified person. All dialog is shown in boxes overlaid on the comic panels.)) [[The panel background looks like a cloudy sky, with the clouds all running together and appearing as a blue grey smear.]] I've always had trouble with the size of clouds. I know they're huge. I can see their shapes. But I don't really see them as objects on the same scale as trees and buildings. They're a backdrop. [[A person stands on a flat disk inside a hemispherical dome with the front half cut away. The dome is labelled "Sky", and the disk is labelled "Ground". The dome is about twice as tall as the person.]] Stars are the same way. I know they're scattered through and endless ocean, but my gut insists they're a painting on a domed ceiling. ((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over the following three panels.)) [[A person stands on a curved surface, looking up.]] If I try hard enough, I get a glimmer of depth, a dizzying sense of space, [[The perspective of the scene shifts, suddenly the surface the person was standing on is in the top left of the panel. The person is now looking down, leaning back, and waving their arms trying to regain balance.]] But then everything snaps back. [[The perspective of the scene returns to normal, the person is now semi-crouched, staring at the ground with legs spaced apart to help them balance.]] [[An american football field is shown, with sections at the tips of the goal posts highlighted and shown as a zoomed view in an insert box. The goal posts each have a webcam mounted on top of them.]] So one summer afternoon I set up two HD webcams hundreds of feet apart, Pointed them at the sky, ((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over two panels each.)) [[The first panel shows a pair of glasses with the note "Very strong reading glasses." and a smartphone with an attachment designed to clip onto the glasses. The smartphone screen is setup to display two images side by side such that one camera is visible in the left half of the screen, and the other camera is visible in the right half of the screen.]] And fed one stream to each of my eyes. [[The next panel shows the completed phone glasses assembly.]] The parallax expanded my depth perception by a thousand times, [[The person stands wearing the phone glasses assembly, staring into the sky.]] And I stood in my living room At the bottom of an abyss [[The person now stands on the shore of an unidentified coastline (possibly Boston?), a city is near their right foot and the tallest skyscraper appears ankle high. A mountain range is behind them that is also barely ankle high. The person is standing with their head well above cloud level as clouds swim around them.]] Watching mountains drift by. {{Title text: I've looked at clouds from both sides now.}}

[[A couple has sex up against a wall.]] [[A couple has sex standing in an armchair.]] [[A couple has sex in a swing, swaying above a table with a flower vase on it.]] [[Screenshot of Fitocracy. In the text field marked "log your workout for today," the user has filled in "sex," and the site has returned the message "activity not found."]] [[The couple is standing in front of the computer; one person is at the keyboard, the other standing back wearing a towel.]] At Keyboard: Come on! That was like two hours of cardio! In Towel: Hmm, let's see ... the part on the dresser was KIND of like skiiing ... {{Title text: I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I'd been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.}}

[[An archer stands with a bow and arrow drawn tightly, aiming off-screen.]] [[They fire the arrow, it disappears offscreen. The bowstring vibrates for effect.]] [[They stand holding the bow by their side, watching the arrow fly away.]] [[A boomerang flies on-screen, coming from the direction the arrow was fired. The archer reaches up to catch the boomerang.]] [[The archer is now holding the boomerang, staring at it with confusion.]] {{Title text: 'The Return of the Boomerang' would make a great movie title.}}

[[Two people are standing facing each other, having a conversation. One is holding a laptop.]] Person #1 (with laptop): What's the deal with this leukemia trial? {{Citation: Nejm, Aug 10, 2011}} Person #2: Gotta wait and see. Person #2: Helping the immune system attack tumors has been a longtime research target. Person #2: Lots of promising leads. Often they don't pan out. Person #1: What'd these guys do? Person #2: They took some of the patient's T-cells and patched their genes so they'd attack the cancer. That hasn't been enough in the past but their patch also added code to get the T-cells to replicate wildly and persist in the body. Person #1: Which worked, but created its own set of problems? Person #2: How'd you guess? But I think the craziest part is the way they insert the patched genes. Person #1: How? Person #2: Well, think - What specializes in invading and modifying T-cells? Person #1: Seriously? Person #2: Yup. Must've been a fun conversation. [[The last panel is set in a doctors office. A patient is sitting on the observation bed talking to their doctor.]] Patient: Ok, so I have blood cells growing out of control, so you're going to give me different blood cells that *also* grow out of control? Doctor: Yes, but it's ok, because we've treated *this* blood with HIV! Patient: Are you sure you're a doctor? Doctor: Almost definitely. {{Title text: 'We're not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they've destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...'}}

((The comic is a single panel which resembles a reviews page for a mobile phone application)) Application name: Tornado Guard Author: DroidCoder2187 Description: Plays a loud alert sound when there is a tornado warning for your area. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. (Based on 4 reviews) User Reviews: Reviewer 1: <<Rated 5 stars>> Good UI! Many alert choices. Reviewer 2: <<Rated 5 stars>> Running great, no crashes Reviewer 3: <<Rated 5 stars>> I like how you can set multiple locations Reviewer 4: <<Rated 1 star>> App did not warn me about tornado. [[The caption below the comic reads: The problem with averaging star ratings]] {{Title text: The bug report was marked 'could not reproduce'.}}

((The comic illustrates the relative strength of passwords assuming basic knowledge of the system used to generate them. A set of boxes is used to indicate how many bits of entropy a section of the password provides. The comic is laid out with 6 panels arranged in a 3x2 grid. On each row, the first panel explains the breakdown of a password, the second panel shows how long it would take for a computer to guess, and the third panel provides an example scene showing someone trying to remember the password.)) [[The password "Tr0ub4dor&3" is shown in the centre of the panel. A line from each annotation indicates the word section the comment applies to.]] Uncommon (non-gibberish) base word [[Highlighting the base word - 16 bits of entropy.]] Caps? [[Highlighting the first letter - 1 bit of entropy.]] Common Substitutions [[Highlighting the letters 'a' (substituted by '4') and both 'o's (the first of which is substituted by '0') - 3 bits of entropy.]] Punctuation [[Highlighting the symbol appended to the word - 4 bits of entropy.]] Numeral [[Highlighting the number appended to the word - 3 bits of entropy.]] Order unknown [[Highlighting the appended characters - 1 bit of entropy.]] (You can add a few more bits to account for the fact that this is only one of a few common formats.) ~28 bits of entropy 2^28 = 3 days at 1000 guesses sec (Plausible attack on a weak remote web service. Yes, cracking a stolen hash is faster, but it's not what the average user should worry about.) Difficulty to guess: Easy. [[A person stands scratching their head trying to remember the password.]] Person: Was it trombone? No, Troubador. And one of the Os was a zero? Person: And there was some symbol... Difficulty to remember: Hard. [[The passphrase "correct horse battery staple" is shown in the centre of the panel.]] Four random common words {{Each word has 11 bits of entropy.}} ~44 bits of entropy. 2^44 = 550 years at 1000 guesses sec Difficulty to guess: Hard. [[A person is thinking, in their thought bubble a horse is standing to one side talking to an off-screen observer. An arrow points to a staple attached to the side of a battery.]] Horse: That's a battery staple. Observer: Correct! Difficulty to remember: You've already memorized it ((The caption below the comic reads: Through 20 years of effort, we've successfully trained everyone to use passwords that are hard for humans to remember, but easy for computers to guess.)) {{Title text: To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.}}

((The page is set up like the missed connections area of Craigslist, with a list of messages from an individual to a person they weren't able to communicate with at the time.)) Personals > Missed Connections You: Clinging to hood of your stolen wienermobile, trying to reach into engine to unstick throttle Me: Screaming, diving out of the way You: Vaguely human silhouette Me: At bottom of wishing well with harpoon gun You: Confused UDP packet Me: Cisco router in 45.170 16 block You: Baddest fuckin' Juggalo at Violent J's party Me: Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) You: Getting married to me Me: Also getting married, but distracted by my phone You: Cute boy on corner of 4th & Main, 5'11, 169lbs, social security number 078-05-1120, pockets contained $2.09 in change, keys, and a condom. Retinal scan attached Me: Driving street view van You: George Herman "Babe" Ruth Me: Fellow Time Lord. Saw your tardis on third moon of <<Sentence cuts off, partially obscured by bottom of panel>> {{Title text: The Street View van isn't going to find out anything Google won't already know from reading my email.}}

[[Two adult humans stand facing out of the screen.]] Mac: I'm a Mac PC: And I'm a PC. Mac & PC, together: And since you do everything through a browser now, we're pretty indistinguishable. {{Title text: It's fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we'll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.}}

[[There is one human in the panel. The human points at their chest.]] Human: I just have one tattoo - it's six dots on my chest, done by my oncologist. Human: I need them for aligning the laser sights on a flesh-searing relativistic particle cannon, Human: So it will only kill the parts of me [[Dramatic zoom, the panel background is black, with white text.]] Human: That are holding me back. [[The panel is larger, revealing who they're talking to.]] Human: But your barbed wire bicep tattoo is pretty hardcore, too! Dejected: No, it's OK. I'll just go put a shirt on. {{Title text: I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).}}

[[A television is showing a news anchor. The inset picture of the news shows Anonymous wearing a monocle and top hat.]] Anchor: Hackers briefly took down the website of the CIA yesterday... [[A person is watching television.]] What people hear: Anchor: Someone hacked into the computers of the CIA!! [[A computer expert is watching television.]] What computer experts hear: Anchor: Someone tore down a poster hung up by the CIA!! {{Title text: It was their main recruiting poster, hung up nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...}}

((The panels are arranged top to bottom. The first is set above a larger image.)) Person: So, are you guys out of the woods? Second Person: We don't know. Person: Well, did the treatment work? Second Person: We don't know. [[The diagram shows a simple highway. Starting at the bottom, with diagnosis for five lanes, the road travels through a cloud of treatment, after which two lanes disappear, and three continue. Later on, there's another offramp labeled 'cancer "comes back"', which loops back into the treatment cloud. Otherwise, the highway enters a later cloud called survive.]] I always assumed that when you got cancer, they gave you a prognosis, then treated you, and at the end of treatment either you beat it or you died. And I knew sometimes it "recurred," which I assumed meant back to square one. But that's turned out not to be quite right. [[Back to the two people.]] Second Person: Once most cancers spread out into your body, they're incurable. Second Person: If your 10-year prognosis is 60%, that means a 40% chance that some cancer will slip past the treatment and get out. Second Person: So they kill all the cancer they can find, and then you're a "survivor." But your odds are still 60%. [[The frame zooms just to show the second person.]] Second Person: They can't scan for individual cancer cells. The only way to know if it worked is to wait for tumors to pop up elsewhere. Second Person: If you go enough years without that happening then you were in the 60%. [[The frame shows both people again.]] Second Person: And often the first sign is a cough or bone pain. Second Person: So you spend the next five or ten years trying not to worry that every ache and pain is the answer to the question "Do I make it?" ((There's an extra large panel, with a small one floating inside it.)) [[The panel shows roughly fifty lanes emerging from the cloud of 'Treatment'. Signs show 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years. Lanes branch off and fade into darkness earlier on the right, with some lanes continuing off the top of the panel.]] ((Inset panel.)) Person: Man. Person: Fuck cancer. Second Person: Seriously. {{Title text: Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).}}

((The whole comic is a single panel, with a circular diagram of the days of the week.)) Polar graph of what stuff happens on which days, based on number of Google results for phrases like "company meeting on <day>." The relative frequency of <day> in <phrase> is shown by the distance from the center at which <phrase>'s line crosses <day>. Each curve is normalized to have the same number of total hits - they're not on the same scale. ((Not easy to reproduce the actual plot, these are the phrases, in order of popularity on Wednesday.)) 1. <day> is ladies night 2. announced <day> 3. company meeting on <day> company meeting <day> 4. due on <day> 5. got laid <day> 6. drunk on <day> so drunk <day> 7. <day> is the big day 8. Church <day> 9. got my period <day> 10. we broke up on <day> 11. <day> sucked ((Thursday, from most common to least common: 11, 2, 1, 3, 9, 4, 5, 7, 10, 6, 8)) ((Friday, from most common to least common: 10, 4, 6, 7, 5, 9, 11, 3, 2, 1, 8)) ((Saturday, ditto: 6, 7, 5, 11, 9, 10, 8, 3, 2, 1, 4)) ((Sunday, ditto: 8, 9, 7, 11, 10, 5, 6, 2, 3, 4, 1)) ((Monday, ditto: 4, 2, 9, 11, 3, 5, 10, 6, 7, 8, 1)) ((Tuesday, ditto: 3, 2, 4, 5, 1, 7, 9, 10, 11, 8, 6)) {{Title text: Not pictured: the elongated Halley's-Comet-like orbit of every Rebecca Black lyric.}}

[[Two people are playing basketball, and black hat guy is looking at a phone.]] Person #1: Do you seriously think everyone will move to Plus? It was hard enough getting them on Facebook. [[Person #2 attempts to throw the basketball through the hoop, but it bounces off.]] Person #2: Do they have to? Person #2: My mom still uses AOL - it doesn't mean my social life has to happen there. [[Person #1 passes the basketball back to #2.]] Person #2: Universal adoption isn't everything. I mean, IRC is still -- [[Person #2 throws the basketball.]] [[An arrow pierces the ball.]] <<THUNK>> [[The black hat guy has a one handed crossbow, and is still looking at a phone.]] Person #2: You're not really the "catch" type, are you? Black Hat Guy: I am not. {{Title text: 'I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.'}}

Southeast Asian Sea Life Identification Chart [[There are silhouettes of eight individual fish, a school of fish, a scuba diver, an anemone, a submarine, and an anchor, each labeled "Mimic Octopus." There is also a silhouette of an octopus, labeled "Two Mimic Octopuses."]] {{Title text: Even if the dictionaries are starting to give in, I refuse to accept 'octopi' as a word mainly because--I'm not making this up--there's a really satisfying climactic scene in the Orson Scott Card horror novel 'Lost Boys' which hinges on it being an incorrect pluralization.}}