ABCD

[[A man is sitting at his desk, pointing at his laptop.]] Man: Dude! I had this idea like five years ago, and some company just got rich doing it! -- I want my cut. [[The man starts typing.]] Person off-screen: That's not how it works. Man: Sure it is. I'm applying for my share now. Person: Wait, what? [[A browser window with the title 'Department of Ideas'. It has a series of text boxes: Date you had the idea: "Like five years ago." Proof you had it: "I told my friend Mike -- you can ask him! I was all "you know what would make a great business idea? and he..." Their profit so far: $20,000,000 Share you deserve (be fair!): ((drop-down)) 25% *30%* 35% Mailing address: "137 Ash Tree Ln" [[Man still at the laptop, above him is a SUBMIT button, and it shows a pointing hand cursor.]] CLICK ((Last panel set slightly lower than the rest.)) [[The man is in front of an open box, with cash in his hand. A FedEx delivery guy is on the other side of the box with his little electronic signing thing.]] {{Title text: We didn't believe you at first, but we asked like three people who were at that party. They not only corroborated your story, but even said you totally mentioned wanting to start a company someday. Sorry! If this isn't enough money, let us know.}}

((This comic was drawn by Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. It's a floor plan of a museum with five main halls. Each hall contains several exhibits. If you click on an exhibit's spot on the map, a comic pops up showing a view of the exhibit. The museum map is full of tiny stick figures, many of them characters from xkcd.)) [[Explanatory Text:]] In the spirit of xkcd I present a proposal for a new Smithsonian museum: The Smithsonian Museum Of Dad-Trolling An entire building dedicated to deceiving children for amusement (Click to view exhibits!) [[The top left room is 'The Hall of Misunderstood Science'. It contains six exhibits.]] [[Exhibit: A giant basilisk looms over children.]] Exhibit label: BASILISKS: Real, deadly, under your bed. [[Exhibit: Four magnets hang from a square arch. A child is touching two of them together.]] Text on the arch: Magnets only leap at each other when they're teenagers. Later, they lose interest. [[Exhibit: A child on his dad's shoulders looks up at a looming statue of Jesus behind a lectern. There are flakes falling from Jesus onto them both.]] Exhibit label: Snow is Jesus' dandruff. His scalp gets dry when it's cold. [[Exhibit: A child lies asleep, while hands and a scary face reach up around the bed toward him.]] Exhibit label: Sleep: Now you're vulnerable to the boogie man! [[Exhibit: An ice block sits on a stand in front of pictures of a wolf and rhinoceros looking frightened.]] Exhibit label: Freezing water: Expands to frighten predators. [[Exhibit: An insect on a stick is orbited by a small sphere.]] Exhibit label: Anti-matter: Matter that is more than 50% ants. [[Exhibit: A DNA strand with the letters T, A, C, and G hanging around it.]] Exhibit label: DNA only has four letters because the alphabet was smaller back then. Dad, to child: Told you so. [[Exhibit: A bunch of molecules hang from the ceiling.]] Exhibit label: Molecules? In my day, we only had atoms! [[The top right room is 'Regrettable Pranks: An Interactive Experience'. There are four exhibits.]] [[Exhibit: Five balloons float tethered to a table. A child is holding a sixth balloon. The Dad looks alarmed.]] Sign on exhibit: If this helium makes your voice go higher, it's because you're ten seconds from exploding. [[Exhibit: An alien face is shown above an outline of several hands next to a ruler. A child holds his hand up to it.]] Sign on exhibit: Measure your middle finger. If it's longer than the others, you're an alien halfbreed. [[Exhibit: Three cups are on a table. A child is walking away with a fourth cup, the dad's arm around the child's shoulder.]] Exhibit label: Has anyone seen my rabbit brain? It looks like a cherry, and I dropped it in a Jello cup. [[Exhibit: A monstrous set of jaws open upward around a bed.]] Sign on exhibit: Make your bed or monsters will know a kid lives there. [[The center right room is 'Concessions'. There are three booths.]] [[Booth: A concession stand is labeled 'KFP', and displays a KFC-style bucket. A dad and child are eating.]] Dad: The "P" is for "phoenix". [[Booth: A concession stand.]] Sign on stand: Ground beef: Beef we found on the ground. Dad, to child: Told you. [[Booth: A stand shaped like a giant eye.]] Booth label: EYES CREAM Subtitle: How did you think it was spelled? Sign on booth: Now with more of the goo in your eyes. Same as every other creamery. [[The lower left room is 'Conservatory of Poorly Remembered History'. There are five exhibits.]] [[Exhibit: A man is riding a dragon.]] Exhibit label: Genghis Khan: victory through dragons. [[Exhibit: A criminal in front of some windows.]] Exhibit label: The Crimean War: The first war against crime. [[Exhibit: A castle with flags hanging on it.]] Exhibit label: The Renaissance Subtitle: Long story short, the wizards were in control. [[Exhibit:A man in Jedi-style robes with a fake beard.]] Exhibit label: Star Wars is a documentary. No, seriously. Dad, to children: Kids, this man is a veteran. [[The lower right room is 'Rotunda of Uncomfortable Topics'. There are five exhibits.]] [[Exhibit: A wrestling ring, with a man and woman mostly obscured by the exhibit label.]] Exhibit label: Naked wrestling: perfectly normal. NEVER DO IT. [[Exhibit: a figure sits at a booth in front of a bowl of food. The dad is holding a bottle.]] Exhibit label: Alcohol is poison. I drink to save you from it. Dad: You're welcome. [[Exhibit: A large bird.]] Exhibit label: Mommies get big tummies before babies come because the stork likes chubby girls. [[Exhibit: A rocket ship.]] Sign on exhibit: Grandma's not dead. She just returned to saturn. For REVENGE. [[In the areas outside the rooms, there are two more exhibits and restrooms, all clickable.]] [[Exhibit: A dinosaur skeleton.]] Exhibit label: That's right. Dinosaurs were made entirely of BONES. Dad, to kid: If you think about it, it makes sense. [[Exhibit: A large image hangs on the wall. It is a dense squiggly jumble of lines.]] Dad, to kids: You gotta squint juuust right. Sign on exhibit: Magic eye trick that doesn't actually work. [[Restrooms: There are three doors, each with a sign.]] First door (male logo): Men & Boys Second door (female logo): Women & Girls Third door (unrecognizable logo): Korgmen & Spangs {{Title text: Guest comic by Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. When I was stressed out, Zach gave me a talk that was really encouraging and somehow involved nanobots.}}

[[Jeffrey Rowland and Randall are sitting together, with a globe between them. Mr. Rowland has a drink with a small umbrella over it.]] Jeffrey Rowland: But enough of my theories about Thanksgiving. The real reason we're here is to discuss my hypothesis that dark matter itself is what consciousness is made of... [[The frame focuses on Jeffrey Rowland.]] Jeffrey Rowland: Unobservable to anything that is itself conscious in much the same way the mail-man won't deliver your mail if you are watching the mail-box [[Mr. Rowland raises his drink.]] Jeffrey Rowland: Which brings us to my theory about ghosts -- Randall Munroe: Wait did you just say Thanksgiving was invented by the Turkey Voluntary Extinction Movement? {{Title text: Guest comic by Jeffrey Rowland of Overcompensating Wigu. Jeffrey is famous as the picture on the Wikipedia article on 'Necrosis'.}}

[[Jason from FoxTrot is sitting at an artist's desk with a pencil, holding a phone.]] Jason: Hi, Mr. Munroe? I have a great idea! Let me draw some strips for you! Mr. Munroe, through the telephone: Fat chance, kid. Jason: Sudo let me draw some strips for you. ((There follow three strips. These will be separated by double new lines.)) [[A man and woman are looking at each other.]] Man: I find you more attractive than usual. Woman: You do? Is it my new haircut? Man: Actually, I think it's all the weight you've been putting on. Your gravitational pull is pretty severe. [[The man is now alone in the panel.]] Man: Just sayin! [[Two people are in a living room. The woman is looking through a chest of drawers.]] At home with the Heisenbergs. Mrs. Heisenberg: I can't find my car keys. Mr. Heisenberg: You probably know too much about their momentum. [[A man is standing on a stage, holding up a hammer. A crowd is in front of the stage.]] Why mathematicians should run for Congress Man: All those in favor of the bill say "aye." Audience member #1: Aye. Audience member #2: Aye. Audience member #3: {{Square root symbol}} -1. {{Title text: Guest comic by Bill Amend of FoxTrot, an inspiration to all us nerdy-physics-majors-turned-cartoonists, of which there are an oddly large number.}}

[[Two people are leaning against each other, sitting on top of the moon. Trees are visible towards the bottom of the panel.]] [[The scene broadens.]] Woman: I've never been so happy. I -- Man: Hold on -- that guy used to dump my notebooks in high school. Give me a moment. Try to keep the moon steady. [[A rock hits someone on the ground on the back of the head.]] [[The person clutches the back of their head.]] [[The moon, again.]] Guy: I've never been so happy. {{Title text: Guest comic by David Troupes of Buttercup Festival, who is living in that lovely tree outside your window.}}

((This comic was written by Jeph Jacques, and follows the vertical panel style typical of Questionable Content. The art is more in the xkcd style, with stick figures.)) [[A girl is sitting on a bench, reading a book. There is a tree. Far away, a guy has a backpack on.]] Guy's thought bubble: There she is. The most beautiful girl you've ever seen. [[The focus is on the girl on the bench.]] Guy's thought bubble: Every day you take this route to class, she's sitting on that bench, reading. [[It goes even closer to her face.]] Guy's thought bubble: You'd introduce yourself, but you wouldn't know what to say. Besides, she's way out of your league. [[Back to the full panel.]] Guy's thought bubble: What chance could an average guy like you have with such a radiant - Girl's thought bubble: Hey. [[The girl looks up at her thought bubble with a question over her head.]] Guy's thought bubble: E-Excuse me? Girl's thought bubble: I said hey. You come by here a lot. [[The girl looks over at the guy, who is scratching his head at his thought bubble.]] Guy's thought bubble: Oh, uh, yeah. On the way to class. Girl's thought bubble: Wanna skip class and go get a coffee? [[The guy is pondering what's happening.]] Guy's thought bubble: Sure, I'd - I'd like that a lot. Girl's thought bubble: Great, let's ditch these losers. Girl: Hey! [[The thought bubbles are behind the guy now, moving away.]] Guy's thought bubble: Man, I gotta tell you, I'm SICK of being that guy's internal monologue! So whiny! Girl's thought bubble: Seriously! I swear, he and Little Miss Daddy Issues over there were _made_ for each other. [[The two look at each other silently.]] {{Title text: }}

Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I'll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes. -- Randall (( The individual comics are arranged haphazardly. Once again they will be separated by double newlines, while panels will be separated by single newlines.)) Pearl Harbor. November 7th, 1941. [[There is a beach, with some ships floating in a crescent shaped harbor.]] [[The same bay, again.]] [[The boats continue to move about the harbor.]] [[The boats do their thing. A title explains.]] (We're going to be here a while, since the attack wasn't until December.) [[A man is sittin gon a bus, a woman in front of him.]] I know it's natural and all, but I really wish women on the bus wouldn't try to breastfeed me. Woman: C'mon, have some milk. Right here. Me: I'm reading. s I think that I saw a study once that said that g Instant persuasiveness multiplier! [[A newspaper front page. Billy Joel is between two policemen.]] Times Billy Joel Arrested for Arson [[One person has a cord leaving their mouth, the other is holding a handset on the end of it to their ear.]] Handset: Hee hee hee... *giggle* I hear that if you drink coke and eat pop rocks, you vomit up a corded telepohen handset on which you hear creepy little girls giggling. [[Three soldiers are holding a large integral sign, while a fourth points a gun at the Little Rock High School.]] 1957: Eisenhower orders the military to integrate Little Rock High School. [[A smartphone is vibrating across a table, towards a person.]] The smartphones got too smart... and developed a taste... for BLOOD! Fortunately, the only way they could move was by turning on their vibrate while on a sloped table. [[A person is reading to their child.]] Person: And the wolf went to see the 38th little pig, who had built his house out of strontium. Person: And the wolf was all, "Ok, what is with this shit?" The 119 Little Pigs [[Someone is holding up a gun.]] Person: Fastest gun in the west! [[The gun is galloping across the desert.]] <<gallop>> <<gallop>> [[There is a podium, with a gun in each position.]] Winner! [[A picture of a centrifuge dominates the panel.]] Centrifuges: They're what separate the men from the boys. [[A computer monitor is plugged in, and cables run into a closet.]] Lucy: Time passes differenly in Narnia, so by putting the CPU and storage for my machine there, I was able to run through the Folding@Home and Seti@Home databases in about an hour. Peter: There are _so_ many problems with that. [[Someone is talking to Alice.]] Person: One of these days, Alice... Wham, zoom, sploosh, fwoom, splash, gurlle, wheeeee, fwoosh, aren't waterslides fun?! {{Title text: Resulting in The Little Rock 9x + C.}}

Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I'll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes. -- Randall ((A series of comics are arrayed haphazardly. They will be tackled top to bottom, left to right, approximately. Strips will be separated by two new lines.)) [[A ninja is hiding under a diving board as a man runs along it.]] [[The man jumps on the end of the board and hits the ninja in the head, knocking him into the pool.]] [[The ninja floats in the water. A bullet passes through the man's head.]] <<thwipp>> [[The man is lying bleeding on the diving board, the ninja is still unconscious on the pool.]] [[A sniper is at the top of a hill. The sign in front of the hill says "Grassy Knoll".]] [[Someone is pointing at the diagram of the previous panel.]] Off-panel voice: Wait, so what does this have to do with 9 11, again? Person: I said I'm getting there! [[A man is studying a woman.]] Man: You look different. Man: You have this... _glow_ about you. [[They stare in silence.]] [[A baby falls out of the woman.]] <<plop>> Woman: Cogito ergo cogito. Off-panel voice: Playing it safe, huh? [[Two ghosts are standing in front of a woman at a door, each carrying a bag. They are children dressed up.]] Children: Trick or treat! [[The woman doesn't move.]] Child: Um hi. Why are you just standing there? Other Child: Candy? [[Another silent panel as the children stare up at the woman.]] [[The second child looks in their bag.]] Other Child: Oh God, my bag of candy. Other Child: It's filling with blood. Child: We should go. [[A jet is flying across the panel.]] Pilot: Bail out! Bail out! Bail out! [[The pilot and copilot have buckets, and are bailing water out of the cockpit.]] The following is a dramatization of real events. [[A person is at a counter, with several jars.]] Person: AAAAAAAAAAAAA I'm making a sandwich! AAAAAAAAAA! [[Two people are carrying lightsabers and wearing robes.]] Person: Oh God. My eyes won't focus right! And your robe looks... really dirty! My blacklightsaber was not a success. [[A person is standing.]] Person: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Off-screen voice: It seems we happen to be all ladies, actually. Person: ... in that case, this defense is going to appear _extremely_ ill-advised. [[Darth Vader is sitting between two people, at a table.]] Person: Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn't hleped you conjur up the stolen data tapes, or given you -- Darth Vader: Hey. Wicca is a legitimate belief system! [[Darth Vader is drawing a pentagram on the table.]] Person: What are you -- Darth Vader: Putting a _hex_ on your family. {{Title text: Dear Wiccan readers: I understand modern Wiccans are not usually all about the curses and hexes. But Darth Vader was recently converted from Episcopalianism and he's still figuring it all out.}}

Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I'll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes. -- Randall ----Comic #1---- [[A man and a woman stand facing each other.]] Man: Jupiter will make its closest approach to Earth in decades. [[The man points behind the woman, and the woman turns around.]] Man: In fact, here it comes now! [[Jupiter, about the size of the characters' heads, hovers into the frame at about head-height.]] Jupiter: Hey, guys. [[Jupiter continues to hover through the frame as the characters watch it go.]] Jupiter: Anyone need a gravitational slingshot? Woman: No, I'm good. Jupiter: Aight. ----Comic #2---- [[A man sits on a box, playing a guitar.]] Man: ...Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, -- but the meanest thing that he ever did -- was before he left, he went and named me "Trig." ----Comic #3---- [[A man looks down a well.]] Man: Oh God, a little girl is trapped down this well! [[The man runs off screen.]] [[He returns, leading a pony.]] Man: It's okay, we got you that pony you always wanted! [[He tries to cram the pony down the well with the aid of a large stick.]] Man: Get... in... there... -- Ugh! ----Comic #4---- [[A man and a woman stand in a server room.]] Man: I like to get back to nature by coming out here to the server room. -- The warmth, the whirr of the drives, the drone of the fans, the howl of the wolves... Woman: Wolves? Man: Yeah, we started a reintroduction program. ----Comic #5---- [[A man stands by himself in the frame.]] Man: Yo momma's so masculine that she... oh, wait, that's your dad. -- Is your mom the lady over by the door? Aww, she looks nice! ----Comic #6---- [[A man runs toward another man who is wearing a powdered wig, holding a gun in one hand, and a flute in the other. Behind him, someone is chasing him on a motorcycle.]] Man: Bach, activate the magic flute and teleport us home! Wagner's right behind me on his Ring Cycle! ----Comic #7---- Hotness Ratings: [[A close up of a woman with wavy hair.]] Incredily made-up girl on magazine cover. ((Inset of a man: "Meh." [[An average girl.]] Girl in your bio class. ((Inset of man: "Two stars.")) [[Girl with mussed hair in over-sized men's shirt.]] Girl in your bio class wearing one of your shirts. Girl: Want some breakfast? ((Inset man: "Four stars." [[Girl with another sort of shirt speaking to an older lady.]] Girl in your bio class wearing one of your mom's shirts. Girl: Thanks for the great night. ((Inset man: "Wat!")) [[Creepy-looking girl.]] Girl in your bio class wearing your mom's skin like a suit. Girl: Give Mommy a hug! ((Inset man, screaming: "AAAAAAAA")) {{Title text: The wolves thin the RAID arrays, removing the slowest and weakest disks to keep the average seek speed high.}}

Randall: Hey, everyone-- Randall: As I mentioned on the blag, I'm going through a rough time right now. I'm dealing with a serious family illness and it's become pretty overwhelming. Randall: We're still getting a handle on everything, and I appreciate your patience while we figure it all out. Randall: Thank you to everyone who wrote in with kind wishes and words of support. They've been passed on and meant a lot. Randall: I like drawing, and might find time for it in the coming weeks, but I'm not going to push myself to stick to a schedule. Randall: However, between my stacks of notebooks, scanner, and supportive sysadmin, I should at least have something interesting to share with yyou in this space each M W F. Randall: <3 {{Title text: <3 If there's anything you can do, I'll let you know. For the moment, any simple distracting online games sent to sick@xkcd.com would not be unappreciated.}}

[[A man and a woman are inside each others' thought bubbles.]] {{Title text: A universe that needed someone to observe it in order to collapse it into existence would be a pretty sorry universe indeed.}}

[[A woman is standing at a whiteboard considering a logical proof.]] Woman #1: Wow. I can't find fault with your proof. [[The woman is still looking at the white board, the frame expands to show a second woman walking away, rubbing her hands together in an evil manner.]] Woman #1: You've show the inconsistency -- and thus the invalidity -- of basic logic itself. Woman #2: Excellent, on to step two. [[The second woman sits down at a desk and begins to write.]] Dear Dr. Knuth, [[She continues to write.]] I am writing to collect from you the $3,372,564.45 I am owed for discovering 1,317,408 errors in The Art of Computer Programming... {{Title text: Dear Reader: Enclosed is a check for ninety-eight cents. Using your work, I have proven that this equals the amount you requested.}}

[[A man spins in circles on a chair next to a desk. A graph of productivity vs Coefficient of friction of desk chair shows a curve that drops off very quickly as the coefficient of friction approaches zero, with the productivity becoming negative at low values. It plateaus in the middle of the graph, and then begins to drop less steeply as coefficient of friction increases above the optimal point.]] Man in chair: Wheeeeeeeee {{Title text: As the CoKF approaches 0, productivity goes negative as you pull OTHER people into chair-spinning contests.}}

[[Man is talking to woman. Woman holds up a diode.]] Man: We need to talk. Woman: Okay, but first hold the end of this diode. [[They hold the diode]] Man: You hurt my feelings yesterday. Woman: You embarassedme with my family last weekend. [[They are still holding the diode between them]] Man: I'm sorry. {{Title text: And the worst part is you won't apologize.}}

Probability of phrases becoming action movie one liners: ((Panels are arranged from More Likely on the left to Less likely on the right)) [[A woman points a gun down at a man who is on the floor, his gun just out of reach]] Woman: You're going down the memory hole now, asshole. [[Man on ground points gun up at blade-armed man standing next to a board with science on it]] Man with gun: Hey! You forgot to carry the two. [[Woman on desk points sword at man standing on floor]] Woman: Looks like the fed just lowered the interest rate. [[Man with gun looks down at woman slumped on floor]] Man: Guess you should've scrolled all the way to the bottom before clicking "agree". [[Woman holds pistol to the back of the head of another woman holding a rifle]] Woman with pistol: Bangarang, motherfucker. {{Title text: 'Upgrade to the latest version of Adobe Flash player to view THIS content, bitch.' ::triggers detonator::}}

[[Woman is singing, man is staring at a flass of water on a table.]] Woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Anything break? Man: No, but the water in the glass turned to wine. [[Man picks up glass]] Woman: Weird. Man: No, wait. This is blood. Woman: Okay, Physics, quit fucking with us. Physics: You stop looking for the higgs boson and we'll talk. {{Title text: I read in this one article that the breaking of electroweak symmetry is the reason we have SOULS. This guy with a degree said so!}}

[[Girl and beret guy stand under the stars]] Girl: The starlight falls on our eyes after a journey across trillions of miles - dying here at last, so far from home, all so we can see some pretty dots. [[Beret guy think for a moment, then runs away, comes back with a mirror, and holds it up towards the stars]] {{Title text: Don't worry! From the light's point of view, home and your eye are in the same place, and the journey takes no time at all! Relativity saves the day again.}}

[[A man is talking to a woman]] Man: Spammers are breaking traditional captchas with AI, so I've built a new system. It asks users to rate a slate of comments as "Constructive" or "Not constructive". [[Close up of man]] Man: Then it has them reply with comments of their own, which are later rated by other users. [[Woman standing next to man again]] Woman: But what will you do when spammers train their bots to make automated constructive and helpful comments? [[Close up of man again]] Man: Mission. Fucking. Accomplished. {{Title text: And what about all the people who won't be able to join the community because they're terrible at making helpful and constructive co-- ... oh.}}

[[Three stick figures stand in front of a few graphs and scientific looking pictures. One of them has hair.]] Los Alamos, 1945... Middle Figure: We have a decision. If we've done our math right, this test will unleash heaven's fire and make us as gods. Middle figure: But it's possible we made a mistake, and the heat will ignite the atmosphere, destroying the planet in a cleansing conflagration. Left figure: Wow. Um. Question: Just to double-check - although I'm 99% sure - Left figure: Is it "Soh cah toa" or "coh sah toa"? Middle figure: Oh, for the love of... can someone redo Steve's work? Right figure: I don't want to do the test anymore. {{Title text: The test didn't (spoiler alert) destroy the world, but the fact that they were even doing those calculations makes theirs the coolest jobs ever.}}

{{A table is labeled with three columns: "Crazy phenomenon," "If it worked, people would be using it to make a killing in..." and "Are they?"}} Remote Viewing, Dowsing - Oil Prospecting - Auras, Homeopathy, Remote Prayer - Health Care Cost Reduction - Astrology, Tarot - Financial Business Planning - Crystal Energy - Regular Energy - Curses, Hexes - The Military - Relativity - GPS Devices - X Quantum Electrodynamics - Semiconductor Circuit Design - X Eventually, arguing that these things work means arguing that modern capitalism isn't THAT ruthlessly profit-focused. {{Title text: Not to be confused with 'making money selling this stuff to OTHER people who think it works', which corporate accountants and actuaries have zero problems with.}}

[[A girl sits on a rock and a boy sits on the grass]] Girl: Seriously? I like that song too! I bet no two people in the history of the world have ever been so connected! Caption: I'm not sure why we romanticize "young love". {{Title text: Or love in general, for that matter. It just leads to the idea that either your love is pure, perfect, and eternal, and you are storybook-compatible in every way with no problems, or you're LYING when you say 'I love you'.}}

[[Person is on the phone, and holding up some networking hardware.]] Person: ... restart my computer? I know you have a script to follow, but the uplink light on the modem is going off every few hours. The problem is between your office and the modem. Person: My computer has nothing to do with ... okay, whatever, I "restarted my computer." Person: It's still down, and even if it comes back, it's going to die again in a few hours, because your-- Person: I don't HAVE a start menu. This is a Haiku install, but that's not import-- Person: Haiku? It's an experimental OS that I ... oh, never mind. Person: I'm sorry, but this won't get fixed until I talk to an engineer. Can you look around for someone wearing cargo pants, maybe a subway map on their wall? [[The tech support person on the other end is wearing a headset, and looks around.]] Tech: There's a chick two phones over with a stuffed penguin doll and a poster of some bearded dudes with swords. Person: Perfect. Can you put her on? Tech: Sure. [[Person is now talking to the engineer.]] Person: Hey, so sorry to bother you, but my connection-- Engineer: Yeah, I see it. Lingering problems from a server move. <<type type>> Engineer: Should be fixed now. Person: Thank you SO MUCH. Engineer: No problem. Hey, in the future, if you're on any tech support call, you can say the code word "shibboleet" at any point and you'll be automatically transferred to someone who knows a minimum of two programming languages. Person: Seriously? Engineer: Yup. It's a backdoor put in by the geeks who built these phone support systems back in the 1990's. Engineer: Don't tell anyone. Person: Oh my god, this is the greatest-- [[Person wakes up.]] Person: Wha-- Person: ... DAMMIT. {{Title text: I recently had someone ask me to go get a computer and turn it on so I could restart it. He refused to move further in the script until I said I had done that.}}

[[A stick figure sits on a box playing a guitar and singing]] Singer: Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Singer: Take me down to the paradise village where the grass is green and the cute girls pillage. Singer: Take me down to the fire-charred counties where the law's restored by Canadian mounties. Singer: Take me down to Orwellian regions where they retrain girls using cortical lesions Singer: Take me down to the paradise borough where the grass is labeled 'cause the girls are thorough. Ohh, won't you please take me hooome... {{Title text: Take me down to the paradise municipality where the grass is mauve and the girls aren't fromthisreality.}}

[[Beret guy stands next to a pumpkin with a picture of a pumpkin carved into it]] Interlocutor: So what did you- BeretGuy: I carved a pumpkin! Interlocutor: ... [[Black hat guy stands next to a pumpkin and a box labeled "Nitro-glycerin. Do not shake."]] Interlocutor: Taking on teen vandals, I see. HatGuy: Heavens, No. My pumpkin simply has chest pains. In fact, I'll leave a note warning them not to smash it. [[Long-haired stick figure stands next to a jack-o'lantern]] HairFigure: My pumpkin's name is Harold. He just realized that all the time he used to spend daydreaming, he now spends worrying. He'll try to distract himself later with holiday traditions, but it won't work. [[Generic stick figure stands next to two pumpkins and a knife]] StickFigure: I carved and carved, and the next thing I knew I had two pumpkins. Interlocutor: I told you not to take the axiom of choice. {{Title text: The Banach-Tarski theorem was actually first developed by King Solomon, but his gruesome attempts to apply it set back set theory for centuries.}}

Handling a student who challenges your expertise with an insightful question: [[There's a picture of the cross section of an airfoil, with an arrow above and below, pointing from right to left. Layered on top of these arrows, pointing up and down at the cross section, are a larger arrow below and a smaller arrow above.]] ((This panel just contains text, and has a speech curlique hanging towards the person in the next panel.)) Teacher: So, kids, the air above the wing travels a longer distance, so it has to go faster to keep up. Faster air exerts less pressure, so the wing is lifted upward. Student: But then why can planes fly upside down? ((The teacher is standing, pondering the question. Three arrows point out of this panel, leading to each of the next three panels which are arranged vertically.)) ((This is a label at the top of the panel, not a character speaking.)) Right: ((This is the character speaking.)) Teacher: Wow, good question! Maybe this picture is simplified -- or wrong! We should learn more. Wrong: Teacher: It's... complicated. Teacher: And we need to move on. Very wrong: Teacher: Santa Claus is your parents. {{Title text: This is a fun explanation to prepare your kids for; it's common and totally wrong. Good lines include 'why does the air have to travel on both sides at the same time?' and 'I saw the Wright brothers plane and those wings were curved the same on the top and bottom!'}}

[[A giant, untranscribable map of the internet. Apologies from the transcriber, who did her best to include as much as she could without going nuts.]] ((Label in the center of main map.)) Updated Map of Online Communities Size on map represents volume of Daily Social activity (posts, chat, etc). Based on data gathered over the Spring and Summer of 2010 [[Two insets on the upper left-hand corner shows that this map is a tiny portion of the huge continent of Spoken Language, encompassing portions of the Internet, Email, and Cell Phones (SMS).]] [[The largest landmass on the map by far, which takes up nearly the entire northern half of the map is "Facebook" -- with large states in the southeast of the country labeled 'Farmville' and 'Happy Farm'. There is a much smaller state to the west of these called 'Farm Town'. To the north of these states is a large swath of unremarkable land entitled 'Northern Wasteland of Unread Updates.' This is directly north of the large Dopamine Sea. A peninsula on the southwest, just below the Plains of Awkwardly Public Family Interactions, houses many tiny states, such as MySpace, Orkut, LinkedIn, Bebo, & Hi5. It is bordered on the south by Buzzword Bay, which contains several islands of varying sizes. Among these are YouTube and Twitter (the largest), which are separated by the Social Media Consultant Channel. To the southeast of Twitter, across the Sea of Protocol Confusion, is another, equally large island. Most of it is Skype, with the north having two largish states called AIM and Windows Live Messenger. On the southwest part of the island are two smaller states called GG and Yahoo Messenger. The Island of Skype is extremely close to, but separated by the Great Firewall (a dashed line), the large landmass of QQ. It's north shore is the Gulf of China and Grass Mud Horse Bay. Outside of these bays, over the Great Firewall are two islands called Craigslist and 2Channel. In the Dopamine Sea, off the southern shores of Farmvile and Happy Farm, is MMO Isle. Its largest state is WoW, with Runescape, Lineage, Maple Story, Habbo, and the Mountains of Steam among its notable landmarks. To the southeast of the island is the Gulf of Lag, in which sits the CDC Games island, with Eve Online. To the east of Twitter is Troll Bay, with such islands as Reddit and Reddit, Digg, Stumbleupon, Delicio.us, and Wikipedia Talk Pages. To their south are the IRC isles, of which one is the tiny island of #xkcd. East of these islands, and north of Skype island, is the Sea of Memes. In this sea, to the north of Craigslist and 2Channel, is an archipelago of tiny islands. There is an inset, labeled 'Forums.' (See below.) To the southwest if Twitter island, in the Sea of Opinions, are the blog islands. These lie south of the islands in Buzzword Bay, as well. The northernmost islands in this group are centered around the Bay of Drama, on which can be found Diary Blogs, Gossip Blogs, and Livejournal. Gossip Blogs share an island with Political, Music, and Tech Blogs. To the north of this island is a smaller island called Photo Blogs. South of Diary Blogs, and off the southwest coast of Music blogs is a smaller island called Fandom Blogs. South of Tech Blogs, off of which sprouts the small peninsula of Business Blogs, is the Spamblog Straits. On the other side of the straits is a large island made up of Miscellaneous Blogs, with two states demarcated as Religious Blogs and Blog Blogs. Southwest of the Blog Islands is the Sea of Zero (0) Comments.]] [[An inset of a group of islands in the sea of memes located on the lower right corner of the map, labeled 'Forums'. The largest by far is 4chan and b . Also found here are D2JSP, JLA Frums, Fan Forum, Something Awful, and many smaller ones, too numerous to list here.]] [[The northeastern third of Gossip Political Tech Blogs island is another inset labeled 'Blogosphere (Core)'. This can be found on the lower left corner of the map. Two peninsulas in Political Blogs bookend the Bay of Flame -- these are Liberal Blogs and Conservative Blogs. Between them lie several tiny islands such as Politics Daily, CNN Politcal Ticker, and Mediaite. Off the coast of Liberal Blogs lies the island of NYTimes, off the coast of Conservative Blogs is Libertarian Isle. Between the two lies The Talk. The northern peninsula of Tech Blogs contains places such as Gizmodo, Engadget, Joystiq, and Kotaku.]] ((Text found between the two insets, which are directly below the main map.)) ABOUT THIS MAP Communities rise and fall, and total membership numbers are no longer a good measure of a community's current size and health. This updated map uses size to represent total social activity in a community -- that is, how much talking, playing sharing, or other socializing happens there. This meant some paring of apples and oranges, but I did my best and tried to be consistent. Estimates are based on the numbers I could find, but involved a great deal of guesswork, statistical inference, random sampling, nonrandom sampling, a 20,000-cell spreadsheet, emailing, cajoling, tea-leafing reading, goat sacrifices, and gut instinct (i.e. making things up). Sources of data include Google and Bing, Wiipedia, Alexa, Big-Boards.com, StumbleUpon, Wordpress, Akismet, every website statistics page I could find, press releases, news articles, and individual site employees. Thanks in particular to folks at Last.fm, LiveJournal, Reddit, and the New York Times, as well as sysadmins at a number of sites who shared statistics on condition of anonymity. {{Title text: Best trivia I learned while working on this: 'Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it's the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?' Then you wait for the listener to do a double-take.}}

[[A man with a black hat is going through a door, a bottle in his hand. A voice speaks to him from off panel.]] Person: Seriously? This thing runs Java ? It's single-purpose hardware! [[The person is sitting at a computer, holding some device which is wired to a box, and pointing at the screen.]] Person: I bet they actually hired someone to spend six months porting this JVM so they could write their 20 lines of code in a familiar setting. [[The man with a black hat has a pair of bolt cutters in the hand that had been obscured in the first panel.]] Black hat guy: Well, you know what they say -- when all you have is a pair of bolt cutters and a bottle of vodka, everything looks like the lock on the door of Wolf Blitzer's boathouse. Person: I'm glad you had a nice night. {{Title text: Took me five tries to find the right one, but I managed to salvage our night out--if not the boat--in the end.}}

[[A person with disheveled hair stretches their arms. A sunburst indicating sleepiness is above their head.]] <<YAWN>> Person: I just woke up [...] [[The person continues speaking from off panel, to a second person who's sitting at a table with a laptop and cup. They've leaned their elbow on the chair, turning to face the first person.]] Person: From the most beautiful dream. Second person: Which was? Person: All the girls who read and follow The Rules and all the guys who swear by the techniques in The Game paired off with each other and left the rest of us alone forever. Second person: Mmmmmm... {{Title text: Lucky. In MY dream, all the people who grew up loving The Giving Tree paired up with all the students who had weird dreams after reading The Metamorphosis. That one was more confusing.}}

[[Stephen Hawking is facing a pair of people. His voice appears in a square machine readable font.]] Stephen Hawking: I thought maybe later we should go see a movie. [[The two people are running.]] [[The front page of a newspaper appears instead of a third panel.]] ((Name of the paper.)) The Times ((Main headline.)) Physicist Stephen Hawking Suggests We See More Films [[A picture of Stephen Hawking is in the center of the page.]] ((Picture's caption.)) Smartest Man Alive ((Secondary headline.)) What Does He Know That We Don't? ((Large quote in article body.)) Is this a warning? [[Stephen Hawking is sitting alone, looking depressed.]] {{Title text: 'Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--' 'PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME' 'No, I just heard that--' 'SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?' 'I don't think--' 'WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?'}}

Frequency with which various adjectives are intensified with obscenities (based on Google hits) ((The legend above the plot reads:)) Red marker: "fucking ____" Blue marker: "____ as shit" ((Mathematical formula for scale next to the legend:)) Scale: ln(hits for intensified phrase hits for adjective alone) ((The plot itself lists a series of adjectives in approximately descending order. Each has a red and a blue marker corresponding to the scale described.)) ((Horizontal axis starts with none, then has a vertical dashed line, then 'rarely' at -17, increasing to 'often' at -5.)) ((Each adjective is listed with approximate red and blue values, in that order.)) Annoying -5 -5 Pissed -5 -6 Stupid -5 -8 Bored -6 -6 Sexy -5.5 -6.5 Adorable -6.5 -9.5 Disgusting -6.5 -12.5 Calm -7 -10 Delicious -8 -13 Obscene -6 -14 Prosaic -10 -13.5 Bemused -8.5 -14 Apropos -10.5 -16 Ambivalent -12 -17 Improper -12.5 -18 Evanescent -14 -14.5 Piquant -9.5 never Jejune -9 never Kafkaesque -10 never Stochastic -14 never Fungible -12 never Peristeronic never never ("Of or pertaining to pigeons") [[there are two small scenes in the bottom right of the plot. The first shows a pair of women holding wine glasses.]] Second woman: Yes, the Cabernet is piquant as shit this time of year. [[The second shows a person sitting at a computer desk.]] Person: Whoa, these commodities are fucking fungible ! {{Title text: 'Fucking ineffable' sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.}}

<<AAAAAAAA>> [[A swarm of insects cover a computer and a person. The person is leaning back on their chair, flailing to get away.]] My package made it into Debian-main because it looked innocuous enough; no one noticed "locusts" in the dependency list. {{Title text: dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES}}

[[Two people are walking. The first is wearing a white hat.]] Second person: It just blows my mind. She seemed so genuine. I had no idea she was such a serial liar. Second person: I just wish I had our six months back. [[The view focuses on the second person.]] Second person: Her exes say the same thing happened to them. Second person: Maybe what we need is a terrible-ex tracking and notification service. [[The second person turns, thoughtfully.]] First person: But after all the problems with sex offender registries, who would agree to run it? Second person: Maybe one of the state governments more willing to experiment could try it out... Soon... [[Two people are sitting at a table, on which sit wine glasses and plates. One has glasses and a goatee, and the other has long hair. A person approaches them carrying a clipboard and a license.]] License person: Excuse me, ma'am. Long hair person: Yes? License person: This man is known to the state of California to be a total douchebag. {{Title text: Since the goatee, glasses, and Seltzer & Friedberg DVD collection didn't tip you off, there will be a $20 negligence charge for this service.}}

[[Lightning strikes the ground, illuminating trees with a bright white light. Two people are standing near it. One has a walking stick.]] <<CRACK>> <<BOOM>> First person: Whoa! We should get inside! Second person: It's okay! Lightning only kills about 45 Americans a year, so the chances of dying are only one in 7,000,000. Let's go on! The annual death rate among people who know that statistic is one in six. {{Title text: 'Dude, wait -- I'm not American! So my risk is basically zero!'}}

[[Two men with beards stand at a crude wooden counter, one is wearing a turban. Behind the man without a turban is a woman kneeling on the ground and putting something into a box.]] Turban man: Nine silvers for a ham? That's too much! No-turban: Too much? There's a monk out back with a ladder! (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...) There's no reason to think that people throughout history didn't have just as many inside jokes and catchphrases as any modern group of high-schoolers. {{Title text: I've looked through a few annotated versions of classic books, and it's shocking how much of what's in there is basically pop-culture references totally lost on us now.}}

A man stands at a blackboard covered in equations and diagrams, an open laptop and scattered paper at his feet. His fists are balled in anger and there is a little angry squiggle over his head. A second man stands behind him, arms out in a shrug. ((Words in <> are gray.)) Second man: You're trying to predict the behavior of <complicated system>? Just model it as a <simple object>, and then add some secondary terms to account for <complications I just thought of>. -- Easy, right? -- So, why does <your field> need a whole journal, anyway? Liberal-arts majors may be annoying sometimes, but there's nothing more obnoxious than a physicist first encountering a new subject. {{Title text: If you need some help with the math, let me know, but that should be enough to get you started! Huh? No, I don't need to read your thesis, I can imagine roughly what it says.}}

[[A man is sitting facing a computer, Hat man is standing behind him.]] Hat man: Password entropy is rarely relevant. The real modern danger is password reuse. Man: How so? (Computer: Password too weak.) [[Close up on just Hat man.]] Hat man: Set up a web service to do something simple, like image hosting or tweet syndication, so a few million people set up free accounts. [[The man has now turned his chair around to face Hat man.]] Hat man: Bam, you've got a few million emails, default usernames, and passwords. [[Just Hat man.]] Hat man: Tons of people use one password, strong or not, for most accounts. Use the list and some proxies to try automated logins to the 20 or 30 most popular sites, plus banks and payola and such. [[A piece of paper containing a list with three columns, titled 'Email', 'User', and 'Pass'. An arrow branching out from the paper to the words 'Banks', 'Facebook', 'Gmail', 'Paypal', and 'Twitter'. [[Hat man is still standing facing the man in the chair, who now puts his hand to his chin.]] Hat man: You've now got a few hundred thousand real identities on a few dozen services, and nobody suspects a thing. Man: And then what? [[The same as previous panel, further back.]] Hat man: Well, that's where I got suck. Man: You DID this? Hat man: Why did you think I hosted so many unprofitable web services? [[Close-up on Hat man.]] Hat man: I could probably net a lot of money, one way or another, if I did things carefully. But research shows more money doesn't make people happier, once they make enough to avoid day-to-day financial stress. [[Another close-up, facing opposite direction.]] Hat man: I could mess with people endlessly, but I do that already. I could get a political or religious idea out to most of the world, but since March of 1997 I don't really believe in anything. [[Hat man facing man in chair again.]] Hat man: So, here I sit, a puppetmaster who wants nothing from his puppets. -- It's the same problem Google has. Man: Oh? ((This panel is indented.)) Google… [[A man stands, his chair behind him, leaning his hands on the edge of a boardroom table with the Google logo on it. Behind it sit a woman with a bun and glasses and another man.]] Man: Okay, everyone, we control the world's information. Now it's time to turn evil. What's the plan? Woman: Make boatloads of money? [[The man stands with his hand on his head.]] Man: We already do! Voice off-screen: Set up a companywide CoD4: Modern Warfare tournament each week? Man: That's not evil! Voice: Ooh, dibs on the lobby TV! Man: Okay, we suck at this. {{Title text: It'll be hilarious the first few times this happens.}}

[[A man looks down at a puddle on the floor and speaks to someone out-of-panel.]] Man: Hey, while you're out, can you pick up some spray cleaner that works on cat vomit? Voice: Can do! -- Bye! [[Man extends his arm and faces the leaving person.]] Man: ...Wait! Voice: Yes? Man: Uh. ...You are in my heart always. Voice: ...? Sometimes, when people leave, I'm seized by a sudden fear that they'll die while they're out, and I'll never forget the last thing I said to them. {{Title text: What'll I say -- "I was staring at some cat vomit when I got the news?"}}

A man looks down at his arm calmly, while next to him a woman is violently flailing around in terror. In the foreground, two scientists, one holding a clipboard, look on in puzzlement. Man: My rash seems to have shrunk by about 20% today. Woman: OH GOD SPIDERS Scientists: ??? {{Title text: Which, at one point, led to a study showing that LSD produces no more hallucinations than a placebo.}}

[[Two cowboys face off silently in the desert, the blazing sun beating down.]] [[They exchange steely glares, hands poised to reach their guns, as a tumbleweed rolls into frame.]] <<TUMBLE>> [[Close-up on the tumbleweed. It draws two guns.]] <<CLICK CLICK>> [[The tumbleweed shoots both cowboys simultaneously, and they fall backwards.]] <<BLAM BLAM>> {{Title text: The tumbleweed then tried to roll off into the sunset, but due to the Old West's placement north of the subtropical ridge, the prevailing winds were in the wrong direction.}}

[[The Grim Reaper driving a horse-drawn carriage.]] Because I could not stop for death He kindly stopped for me [[A woman wearing her hair in a bun grabs Death by the arm and pulls him off the carriage. There is a Y-button symbol in the lower left corner.]] The carriage held but just oursel-- Death: Hey! <<GRAB>> [[The woman takes off in the carriage, leaving Death in her dust, on the ground.]] Woman: Hyah! [[The Grand Theft Auto logo is shown, with the stamp "Emily Dickinson Edition" underneath. There is a picture of stick-Emily, arms crossed, and a scythe next to her.]] {{Title text: I learned from Achewood that since this poem is in ballad meter, it can be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island. Since then, try as I might, I haven't ONCE been able to read it normally.}}

[[A man sits at a control screen, wearing a headset.]] Man: Okay, people. The orbiter is passing south of Iceland. The next scheduled check-in will be at 32.0°N 35.5°E, over the Palestinian territories. Voice off-screen #1: You mean over the State of Palestine? Voice off-screen #2: You mean over Israel ? [[The man looks up and says nothing.]] [[The man looks back down at his screen.]] Man: I've rescheduled the check-in for 35.2°N 96.6°W, over Oklahoma. Voice off-screen #2: You mean occupied North Texas? Man: Dammit, Frank. {{Title text: Normally, the Shuttle can't quite safely reach the orbital inclination required to pass over both those points from a Canaveral launch, but this is an alternate history in which either it launches from Vandenburg or everyone hates the Outer Banks.}}

[[Beret man runs into the room, someone is in bed under the covers.]] Beret man: Wake up! --- Wake up! Bed man: What is it? [[Beret man stands talking to person still hiding under covers.]] Beret man: We're alive during the time when they're first discovering other planetary systems! They're finding them as fast as they can build new instruments to look for them! [[Dramatic shot of just Beret man.]] Beret man: And if one of Earth's cultures advances its space program enough to start enriching uranium on asteroids, we'll lose the main barrier to restarting Project Orion and building nuke-riding City-ships! [[Beret man bends down to eye level with person in bed, who is peaking his face out from the covers.]] Beret man: The only known technology capable of fast interstellar travel could be operational within just a few generations, and we're discovering all these destinations to pick from! -- Come on! Bed man: Can I hit "snooze"? Beret man: Okay, but just once! {{Title text: I'm just worried that we'll all leave and you won't get to come along!}}

[[Woman on stage, holding microphone, hip-hop stance.]] Woman: Yo, I'm M.C. Aphasia and I'm here to say that, I... uh... um... hi? [[Hat man on stage, holding microphone.]] Hat man: So I... oh? Does she? Well, when yo mama sits around the house, she finds herself wishing she'd finished her degree instead of having kids right away, maybe started that business. Then she might have created something she's proud of. [[Man on stage, holding microphone, fist pumping toward audience.]] Man: Yo, I'm M.C. Quine and I'm here to say, "Yo, I'm M.C. Quine and I'm here to say!" [[Beret man on stage, holding microphone.]] Beret man: Ever notice how men go to the restroom alone, while women go in hordes ten thousand strong, clad all in sable armor and bristling with swords and spears? Audience member: Those are orcs. Beret man: Oh. {{Title text: Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?}}

[[A man gets into bed.]] It's so much easier falling asleep [[A woman is lying in bed, gripping her pillow.]] With you beside me-- [[The man is lying on his back in bed.]] All the incentive I need [[Full shot of the bed, the woman is on the left, gripping the pillow, the man is as far to the right as possible, nearly falling off, facing away from her.]] To leave the world behind. {{Title text: Sweet unintersecting dreams!}}

[[Full body shot of man on phone.]] Man: Looking forward to seeing your new place! What's the address? -- Mm hmm. Yes, I'm taking 495. But I have a GPS, so I really just need the street address. [[Close up.]] Man: ...then south on 18, okay, but I have a GPS, so if you just want to skip to the street address, I can... [[Full body shot, facing other direction.]] Man: Thanks, I'm glad to know Highland Road comes a mile after the big intersection, but I keep saying I have a GPS, can you tell me the street address? ... Technically that's just more information on how to get to your place, not the address itself. If you could-- [[Close up again, man writing on pad.]] Man: ...I appreciate that you want to help, but I'm ignoring you and just waiting for the... Listen, I just remembered I need to mail you a letter. What's your address? -- Mhm... okay... Great, Thanks! I'll see you in an hour! {{Title text: Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren't about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.}}

[[A woman runs up to a man.]] Woman: Rob! Rob! Man: You look terrified! What's wrong? Woman: We've made a huge mistake! [[The woman and man stand facing each other.]] Woman: Remember last week when we dug up all those Indian bones and made puppets out of them? Man: Sure... [[The woman holds her arms out for emphasis, the man puts his hands to his face in horror.]] Woman: It turns out they were buried over an ancient Indian burial ground! Man: Oh my God! {{Title text: It gets worse! You know that wizened old monk with the gypsy wife whose voodoo shop we smash up every every day after school?}}

[[Words are painted in white on a black road.]] BACKWARD. I READ THINK ENGINEERS HIGHWAY {{Title text: They actually started the reversed-text practice in 1973 -- not for ease-of-reading reasons, but because too many people were driving backward down the highway blasting the Star Wars opening theme.}}

HOW TO BECOME THE MOST HATED BAND IN THE WORLD: Record an album that's nothing but brilliant, catchy instant classics guaranteed popularity and airtime, [[A man driving in a car, hands off the wheel in sudden surprise and confusion.]] <<music: So far from hooome but I can't sto-HONK>> Man: AUGH! WHAT? With a sample of a car horn, cell phone, or alarm clock inserted randomly in each song. {{Title text: There are two or three songs out there with beeps in the chorus that sound exactly like the clock radio alarm I had in high school, and hearing it makes me think my life since junior year has been a dream I'm about to wake up from.}}

[[There is an airport security checkpoint where a queue of ten passengers is waiting to go through a backscatter x-ray scanner. Near the back of the line, Hat Guy is standing next to a stand which says "Viagra $20". One passenger next to him is drinking a glass of water; another is contemplating the sign.]] Security Guard (thinking): Oh god. {{Title text: Don't need any, thanks. I have a backscattering fetish.}}

[[Pizza guy enters through door; maid is dusting.]] Pizza Guy: Pizza delivery! Did someone order a hot sausag-- Maid: Mon dieu! Monsieur is home early-- Both: Wait, who are you? Pizza guy: Wait, this is the Jones', right? Their daughter was supposed to be having a party! Maid: No, I thought Mr. Jones was coming home early. [[Pizza guy is off-panel left as plumber enters from the right.]] Pizza guy: But I thought-- Plumber: Howdy, Mrs. Jones. I hear you need some plumbi-- Plumber: Who are you? [[The pizza guy looks in a cabinet; the others are off-panel right.]] Maid: Sorry, big mixup. Pizza guy: Hey, check out out--the Joneses have Agricola! Plumber: I love that game! [[Mr. Jones and Miss Jones arrive home. Pizza guy, maid, and plumber are sitting on the floor playing Agricola.]] Mr. Jones: What in the name of ... Pizza guy: Dammit, I wanted that grain. Maid: Hush, you have starting player. {{Title text: 'How about a little ... *family growth*?' 'Dude, that's not until round two.'}}

[[A box of pore strips, marked "deep cleaning."]] [[Person examinnes the box.]] [[Person applies strip to face.]] [[Person pulls on strip.]] [[Person pulls skull out of head with pore strip.]] {{Title text: I'm sure they're a harmful tool of the cosmetics-industrial complex and all, but my goodness do those strips ever work to pull gunk out of your pores. I was shocked, disgusted, and vaguely fascinated by the result.}}

[[Woozy person walks and speaks.]] Person: The sleep deprivation madness worsens. [[Person examines hands.]] Person: Things seem unreal. Am I even awake? Maybe I'm dreaming. [[Person approaches a tree with a squirrel on it.]] Person: I'm pretty sure I'm hallucinating this tree. Person: But what if I'm hallucinating that I'm hallucinating, and I'm actually totally sane? Squirrel: Listen. Squirrel: I wouldn't worry about that. {{Title text: I'm not listening to you. I mean, what does a SQUIRREL know about mental health?}}

[[A man and woman are at a blackboard with equations and graphs on it.]] Man: Look, I'm doing my best, but the fact is your savannah ancestors just didn't prepare you for doing abstract math. Woman: See, that's just the kind of bullshit sexism that discredits evo-psych. Your "evolutionary histories" always seem tuned to produce 1950's gender roles. Man: Evolutionary? What? I meant Savannah, Georgia. Woman: ... Hey! Let's leave my mom out of this. {{Title text: She's a perfectly nice lady from a beautiful city, and there's no reason to be mean just because she thinks a quarterback is a river in Egypt.}}

Guy: Personally, I find atheists just as annoying as fundamentalist Christians. Girl: Well, the important thing is that you've found a way to feel superior to both. {{Title text: 'But you're using that same tactic to try to feel superior to me, too!' 'Sorry, that accusation expires after one use per conversation.'}}

[[A venn diagram. The left circle is labeled "things on the front page of a university website" and contains "campus photo slideshow," "alumni in the news," "promotions for campus events," "press releases," "statement of the school's philosophy," "letter from the president," and "virtual tour." The right circle is labeled "things people go to the site looking for" and contains "list of faculty phone numbers and emails," "campus address," "application forms," "academic calendar," "campus police phone number," "department course lists," "parking information," and "usable campus map." The only item in the overlapping section is "full name of school."]] {{Title text: People go to the website because they can't wait for the next alumni magazine, right? What do you mean, you want a campus map? One of our students made one as a CS class project back in '01! You can click to zoom and everything!}}

[[Frogger is standing by the side of the road, looking out into traffic, which includes several semis and a couple sedans.]] [[Frogger hops out in front of a semi.]] <<hop>> [[The semi swerves into the next lane, in front of one of the sedans.]] [[They collide, the sedan crumpling into the cab of the truck.]] <<BOOM>> [[Smoke pours from the two wrecked vehicles. Frogger hops back to the side of the road.]] <<hop>> Bystander (off-panel): Oh god! Other Bystander (off-panel): Someone call 911! Another Bystander (off-panel): Mom! {{Title text: I understand you and your team worked hard on this, but when we said to make it more realistic, we meant the graphics.}}

[[A sword-wielding actor on a stage addresses three others; one has a spear, another a handgun and a knife, and the third a laptop.]] Actor: Forsooth, do you grok my jive, me hearties? Actors: Ten-four! A few centuries from now, all the English of the past 400 years will sound equally old-timey and interchangeable. {{Title text: The same people who spend their weekends at the Blogger Reenactment Festivals will whine about the anachronisms in historical movies, but no one else will care.}}

[[Guy and girl are standing together.]] Guy: I'm so lucky to have you. Guy: I love you most out of all the girls in all the world [[They embrace.]] Guy: who love me back. {{Title text: You know that I'll never leave you. Not as long as she's with someone.}}

[[A soldier is on the ground behind a low wall, writing a letter.]] My Dearest Cordelia, It has been far too long since I last gazed upon your lithe and supple body through my telescopic sights, and I fear you may have found a superior vantage poin-- <<BLAM!>> <<BLAM!>> <<BLAM!>> --a splendid effort, my love, but your shots find only a decoy, and reveal your position atop the maintenance shed. I pray this missive and my grenades find you well. War is hell. {{Title text: They offered to make me a green beret, but I liked my regular one. Although it gets kind of squashed under my helmet.}}

[[A man is going through a cardboard box marked "MISC", and finds a catalog. A woman looks on.]] Man: Check it out -- old Computer Shoppers ! Wow -- in 1996, $3,000 would get you a 100 MHz Pentium system with a parallel port, two serial ports, a 2MB video card, and "MS-Windows" Woman: Nice! [[The two are face-to-face, and they each have a separate copy of Computer Shopper.]] Woman: And $299 would get you a Palm Pilot 100- -- 16MHz, 128Kb storage, and a memo pad, calendar, and state-of-the-art address book that can store over 100 names! Man: Oooh! [[The man continues to read from his.]] Man: And $110 would get you a bulky TI graphing calculator with around 10MHz CPU, 24Kb RAM, and a 96x64-pixel B W display! Woman: Times sure have... ...have... uh. [[They both put down their catalogs.]] Man: Okay, what the hell, T.I.? Woman: Maybe they cost so much now because there's only one engineer left who remembers how to make displays that crappy. {{Title text: College Board issues aside, I have fond memories oi TI-BASIC, writing in it a 3D graphing engine and a stock market analyzer. With enough patience, I could make anything ... but friends. (Although with my chatterbot experiments, I certainly tried.)}}

[[A black frame with the text [NO VIDEO] in the center, speech is in bubbles.]] Voice: Sometimes, when we disagree, I feel frustrated. But I never forget how lucky I am to have you in my family. Always remember how special you are. Caption: 1981: An audio recorder on the set catches Fred Rogers fighting with his wife. {{Title text: Mr. Rogers projected an air of genuine, unwavering, almost saintly pure-hearted decency. But when you look deeper, at the person behind the image ... that's exactly what you find there, too. He's exactly what he appears to be.}}

[[Hatman and Stickman are standing on the beach, watching the sun set. Hatman is holding something, perhaps a cosh, in his left hand.]] Hatman: Did you know that if you stare at the sun just as it sets, you can see a green flash? (smaller)And feel a sharp blow to the head, and hear the faint hum of me driving away in your new Tesla Roadster? {{Title text: The exact cause of the phenomenon is unknown, but it's thought to be linked to atmospheric refraction and you getting a really cool car.}}

[[A man stands at a desk with a beaker in one hand and a turkey baster in the other. A woman lies in a bed in the same room.]] Man: Okay, this time I've diluted the semen 30x. Woman: We'll be sure to get pregnant now! {{Title text: Dear editors of Homeopathy Monthly: I have two small corrections for your July issue. One, it's spelled "echinacea", and two, homeopathic medicines are no better than placebos and your entire magazine is a sham.}}

[[A television set with The Count from 'Sesame Street'.]] The Count: One! Ah ah ah... Two! Ah ah ah... ...Many! ah ah ah... Caption: Primitive cultures develop Sesame Street. {{Title text: Cue letters from anthropology majors complaining that this view of numerolinguistic development perpetuates a widespread myth. They get to write letters like that because when you're not getting a real science degree you have a lot of free time.}}

[[A man stands at a computer terminal, while another man behind him stands with his head in his hands.]] Man 1: See, I've got a really good system: if I want to send a YouTube video to someone, I go to File -> Save, then import the saved page into Word. Then I go to "Share This Document" and under "recipient" I put the email of this video extraction service... Caption: I'll often encourage relatives to try to solve computer problems themselves by trial and error. However, I've learned an important lesson: if they say they've solved their problem, never ask how. {{Title text: I once worked on a friend's dad's computer. He had the hard drive divided into eight partitions, C: through H:, with a 'Documents' directory tree on each one. Each new file appeared to be saved to a partition at random. I knew enough not to ask.}}

[[Two men sit in front of the TV, one on the couch, the other on the floor. A woman stands by the TV set.]] Woman: While I'm up, does anyone want a sandwich? Man 1: Is "sandwich" a metaphor? Woman: No, I'm bad at metaphors. But I could try a simile. Man 1: I guess that's like a metaphor. Sure. [[As the woman starts to walk away, the men continue to speak.]] Man 2: Well, "a simile is like a metaphor" is a simile. Man 1: Is that simile itself a metaphor for something? Man 2: Maybe it's a metaphor for analogy. [[The two men are still sitting in the same place while the woman is out of the panel.]] Man 1: Similes are metaphors in that they're both analogies. Woman: Analogies are like sandwiches in that I'm making one now. {{Title text: I just call all of them 'synecdoche'.}}

[[A man with wet hair and a towel around his waist thinks with his hand to his chin.]] Man: (What situations might I prepare for? 1) medical emergency, 2) dancing, 3) food too expensive...) [[Close-up on man's face.]] Man: (Okay, what kind of emergencies can happen? 1)A) snakebite, B) lightning strike, C) fall from chair...) [[Still thinking...]] Man: (Hmm. Which snakes are dangerous? Let's see... 1)A)a) Corn Snake? b) Garter Snake? c) Copperhead?) [[Sits down in a chair with a laptop, still wearing towel.]] Man: (The research comparing snake venoms is scattered and inconsistent. I'll make a spreadsheet to organize it.) ((Bottom panel is larger than top four, and aligned to right.)) [[A woman meets the man on his front stoop. She is carrying a purse, and looks down at his towel. The man holds his arms in the air triumphantly.]] Woman: I'm here to pick you up. You're not dressed? Man: By LDsub50, the Inland Taipan has the deadliest venom of ANY snake! Caption: I really need to stop using depth-first searches. {{Title text: A breadth-first search makes a lot of sense for dating in general, actually; it suggests dating a bunch of people casually before getting serious, rather than having a series five-year relationships one after the other.}}

[[A far shot of Gandalf the Grey and the four hobbits standing in a dark, underground city.]] Gandalf: Behold, Khazad-Dum; the Dwarrowdelf ; the mines of Moria -- once the greatest and mightiest city of the dwarves. [[Full body shot of Gandalf.]] Gandalf: But the dwarves delved too greedily. [[Close-up on Gandalf.]] Gandalf: And too deep. [[Full shot of the hobbits and Gandalf.]] Hobbit: ...and awoke a terror of shadow and flame? Gandalf: No. They couldn't get out. {{Title text: Someone should really bring them a ladder and remind them to build the Endless Stair *first* next time.}}

[[A problem is given on an arithmetic test: "4) 3x9=?". In handwriting, the student's work follows. The student has accurately reformatted the question as 3 times the square root of 81, which visually resembles the long division problem of 3 divided into 81, and then solved the latter to get 27--the correct answer to both.]] {{Title text: Handy exam trick: when you know the answer but not the correct derivation, derive blindly forward from the givens and backward from the answer, and join the chains once the equations start looking similar. Sometimes the graders don't notice the seam.}}

[[A man checks a computer terminal, another man is running off in the opposite direction.]] Man 1: The raptor fences are down. They're loose. Man 2: I'll get a broom and dustpan. Caption: Jurassic Park got a lot less scary when the researchers discovered they could ativate the gene for extreme dwarfism. {{Title text: If at least one person has a nightmare about being swarmed by hundreds of mouse-sized dromaeosaurids, my work will have been done.}}

[[A man is talking to Hatman.]] Man: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I was first in my class at Caltech. [[The man falls backward as Hatman sounds an air horn in his face.]] Hatman: Really? I don't mean to toot my own horn, but <<BRAAAAAAP!>> [[A picture of an air horn.]] Air horns: worth carrying around your entire life for those few perfect moments. {{Title text: This is also one of only five identified situations in which a vuvuzela is actually appropriate.}}

[[A news anchor reads from a paper. There is a picture on the left side of screen of a man speaking at a podium. In the bottom right-hand corner, a logo reads 'News24'.]] News anchor: A leading politician today charged that the media, rather than informing people, now merely report on public ignorance. Do our viewers agree? Let's hear from some voices on the street... {{Title text: News networks giving a greater voice to viewers because the social web is so popular are like a chef on the Titanic who, seeing the looming iceberg and fleeing customers, figures ice is the future and starts making snow cones.}}

[[2 men and 1 woman stand in the foreground, while in the background, a woman stands on a platform and releases a pendulum hanging from the ceiling toward a man who is running away.]] Man #2: This is an interdisciplinary program in which Physics students try to hit Psychology students with pedulums. Woman: Promising! Background man: AAAAAAA! My professors had an ongoing competition to get the weirdest thing taken seriously under the label "interdisciplinary program." {{Title text: Replace the pendulums with history students and you'll qualify for a grant!}}

((A portion of a page from an imaginary course catalog.) [[A table with four columns labeled Department, Course, Description, and Prereqs. Under 'Department' it reads, "computer science". Under 'course' it reads, "CPSC 432". Under 'Description' it reads, "Intermediate compiler design, with a focus on dependency resolution." Under 'Prereqs' it reads, "CPSC 432". {{Title text: The prereqs for CPSC 357, the class on package management, are CPCS 432, CPSC 357, and glibc2.5 or later.}}

The great battlefield for the defense and expansion of freedom today is the whole southern half of the globe -- Asia, Latin America, Africa, and the Middle East. -John F. Kennedy, 1961 speech to Congress. [[An ovoid world map, with Latin America colored in red, Africa in yellow, the Middle East in green, and Asia in Blue. There is an arrow pointing to the top of the map marked 'northern half', and another arrow pointing to the bottom half marked 'southern half.' The majority of these places are actually in the northern half.]] Okay, so I'm half a century late on this, but it's been bugging me: did JFK own a globe? {{Title text: Also, if you read his speech at Rice, all his arguments for going to the moon work equally well as arguments for blowing up the moon, sending cloned dinosaurs into space, or constructing a towering penis-shaped obelisk on Mars.}}

[[A blonde woman and a brunette woman observe a snake on the ground.]] Blonde: Whoa, a snake! Brunette: Cool! Blonde: I'm afraid of snakes. [[The brunette looks pensive.]] Brunette: I'm afraid of saying "Everything's complicated right now, but maybe next year" until there are no more years left. [[The blonde considers her response.]] [[The brunette cuts her off mid-sentence.]] Blonde: Do you-- Brunette: I want to be a storm chaser. [[A tornado reaches from the black storm clouds to the earth, kicking up a sizable cloud of debris at its base. The blonde woman is at the wheel of a car, the brunette hanging out the window and holding a camera.]] {{Title text: Oh God, the tornado picked up snakes!}}

[[A young boy holds a magazine. His father comes running into the room.]] Boy: What's this? Father: Oh! That's daddy's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue! It's not appropriate for-- Boy: Wow! They look just like the ladies who get double-penetrated in the popup ads! But with clothes on! Gosh! {{Title text: Parents: talk to your kids about popup blockers. Also, at some point, sex. But crucial fundamentals first!}}

[[A man holds a book aloft, displaying it to his two acquaintances.]] Man: This book is full of heresy! Acquaintance: Let's hold a book burning! [[They confer more, then one acquaintance runs off.]] Man: I only have one copy. Acquaintance #1: I guess we could buy more. Acquaintance #2: I'll look online. [[A screenshot from an online retailer's page displays pricing for the hardcover ($17.99) and Kindle ($9.99) editions of the mentioned book.]] [[The front page of a newspaper, titled "News", is shown above the fold. The first article's headline reads "Eight dead from toxic fume inhalation" and a picture is shown depicting three bodies strewn around a massive plume of tar-black smoke.]] {{Title text: Of course, since their cautionary tale was reported in a print newspaper, no one read it.}}

[[A posted flier with tear-off strips at the bottom reads: "Volunteers Needed for a scientific study investigating whether people can distinguish between scientific studies and kidney-harvesting scams. (Healthy Type-O Adults Only) TAKE ONE" Five of the strips are torn off.]] {{Title text: Volunteers needed for a study on transmission of urushiol from digital contact with thin strips of fibrous cellulose pulp.}}

[[Two reporters, a man and a woman, point microphones toward a scientist.]] Female reporter: Dr. Scientist! The "Top Kill" has failed! What's the worse-case scenario for the gulf? Dr. Scientist: The worst-case scenario is what's happening now. Reporter, out of frame: Yes, but is there any way it could get worse? Dr. Scientist: Sure, but there are real disasters happening now, and you're substituting speculation and voyeurism for the investigative journalism we-- Reporter: Screw this! Let's ask Michael Bay. [[The reporters, now joined by a camerawoman, approach Michael Bay with their microphones.]] Michael Bay: The worst case? A hurricane tracks into the gulf, whipping the surface of the spill into a frothy mix of oil and air. [[An alligator-filled conflagration atop a massive ocean wave approaches land.]] Michael Bay, narrating: As the storm surges through the bayous, sparking power lines ignite the fuel air mixture into a roiling, alligator-filled wall of flame. [[A map of the gulf coast of Louisiana and southwest Mississippi is depicted with the current routes of the Mississippi and Atchafalaya Rivers highlighted. An arrow indicating a new primary flow of the Mississippi's waters into the Atchafalaya points toward southern Louisiana.]] Michael Bay, narrating: Plowing northward, the fire hurricane destroys the Old River Control Structure in Concordia, rerouting the Mississippi westward and sweeping Morgan City and the heart of cajun country out to sea. Michael Bay: James Carville emerges from the conflagration riding a burning alligator... Reporter, out of frame: Will this affect the midterm elections? Michael Bay: Massively. {{Title text: To get serious analyses of hurricanes and oil slicks, see Jeff Masters' blog. To get serious discussions of worst-case scenario thinking, see Bruce Schneier's blog. To get enough Vitamin D, don't read any blogs and go outside instead.}}

[[There is a two-circle Venn diagram; the left circle is labeled "Geeks," the right "Nerds." The intersection is labeled "People with strong opinions on the distinction between geeks and nerds."]] {{Title text: The definitions I grew up with were that a geek is someone unusually into something (so you could have computer geeks, baseball geeks, theater geeks, etc) and nerds are (often awkward) science, math, or computer geeks. But definitions vary.}}

[[A woman is giving birth. A doctor stands near the end of the table.]] Doctor: Okay, the head is starting to crown. Doctor: Push! Doctor: Wait, that's... that's a tube. Doctor: It looks like the barrel of a... <<CLICK>> [[A voice, that of the baby, comes from the woman's vagina.]] Baby: Nobody move--this is a stick-up! Doctor: Oh, God! Stop pushing, Megan! Doctor: Can you... pull? {{Title text: All those GTA marathons during the pregnancy were a bad idea.}}

[[A t-shirt is shown with the text "DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!" screen-printed on it.]] The dyslexic support group ran into difficulties when they tried to make a joke fundraiser t-shirt. {{Title text: And of course I had to redo this like three times because I kept writing 'UNTIE'; I kept doing 'doing 'doing it wrong' wrong' wrong.}}

[[A man sits at a computer. His friend enters the room.]] Man at computer: How did the date go? Friend: I wanted to be prepared, so I looked up a sex walkthrough video. [[The two men sit silently contemplating the words of the previous moment.]] Man at computer: ...and? Friend: It turns out it was a speed run. Man at computer: Ouch. {{Title text: There's nothing hotter than porn dubbed over with a poorly-mic'd teenager's voice explaining each step in a droning monotone. 'okay, we're almost at the spawn point ... separate the labia, but watch out, there are more inside them ..."}}

2003: [[A man approaches a bearded fellow.]] Man: Did you get my essay? Bearded Fellow: Yeah, it was good! But it was a .doc; You should really use a more open-- Man: Give it a rest already. Maybe we just want to live our lives and use software that works , not get wrapped up in your stupid nerd turf wars. Bearded Fellow: I just want people to care about the infrastructures we're building and who-- Man: No, you just want to feel smugly superior. You have no sense of perspective and are probably autistic. 2010: Man: Oh my God! We handed control of our social world to Facebook and they're DOING EVIL STUFF! Bearded Fellow: Do you see this? [[Inset, the bearded fellow rubs his index and middle fingers against his thumb.]] Bearded Fellow: It's the world's tiniest open-source violin. {{Title text: The heartfelt tune it plays is CC licensed, and you can get it from my seed on JoinDiaspora.net whenever that project gets going.}}

[[An adult stands in front of a campfire with three children listening intently. The adult holds a flashlight under his chin to create a menacing visage.]] Adult: But when she traced the killer's IP address... It was in the 192.168 16 block! Children, together: GASP! {{Title text: 100 years later, this story remains terrifying--not because it's the local network block, but because the killer is still on IPv4.}}

[[A man stands on a stage before a large audience, holding a pointer and using it to highlight something on a screen behind him. He interacts with a member of the audience after making a point.]] Presenter: The key to making a successful blog is building a relationship with your readers. Audience Member: I thought it was "make your updates good so people will want to read them." Presenter: We'll discuss content generation in part three. Audience Member: Awesome! I _LOVE_ content. {{Title text: I'm looking to virally monetize your eyeballs by selling them for transplants.}}

((The three panels show portions of a single scene. Although the characters are still stick figures, the artwork style is heavily crosshatched and shaded.)) [[In the first panel there is a desk with monitor on it, and a painting of a woman above that. Next to it is a bookshelf.]] Ever since I murdered Daft Punk [[There is a fireplace, with no fire. A rug lies before it. At the left end of the mantelpiece are two bottles, one tall, one round. Another photograph of a woman is in a frame at the right end. The bookshelf continues from the previous panel.]] And hid their bodies beneath the floorboards, I've been haunted [[The narrator is clutching his head and leaning forward. A grandfather clock is behind him, next to a doorway. Above the doorway is a pallid bust of Pallas.]] By this *pounding*. ((White text on black.)) Unn-Tss Unn-Tss Unn-Tss {{Title text: You fancy me mad. Could a madman have outsmarted the greatest electronica techno artists of our era? Next to fall will be Roderick Usher's house trance band.}}

((The strip is set up as the top of a Wikipedia page.)) ((The Wikipedia logo.)) Wikipedia The free encyclopedia ((Side navigation options.)) Navigation - Main Page - Contents - Featured Content - Current Events ((Wikipedia header options.)) Article Discussion Edit this page History ((The article itself.)) Malamanteau From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia A malamanteau is a neologism for a portmanteau created by incorrectly combining a malapropism with a neologism. It is itself a portmanteau of ((... the article cuts off.)) ((Below the panel.)) Ever notice how Wikipedia has a few words it *really* likes? {{Title text: The article has twenty-three citations, one of which is an obscure manuscript from the 1490's and the other twenty-two are arguments on LanguageLog.}}

[[Two doctors wearing surgical masks are standing over a prone patient. One of them is poking the patient's chest.]] Doctor: I'm making the incision above the left - << BZZZZT! >> Doctor: Augh! October 8th, 2004: A child swallows an 'operation' buzzer, leading to the single most difficult surgery ever performed. {{Title text: At one point, by force of childhood habit, the doctor accidentally removed three or four organs.}}

[[A person is holding a cup at arm's length. Waves of stink are rising from it.]] Person 1: Oh God, how old is this yogurt in your fridge? [[Someone speaks from off-panel.]] Person 2: What's hte expiration date? [[The first person holds up the cup to look at the bottom.]] Person 1: May 12th, but there's no year. [[From off-panel again.]] It's May 7th. So it's fine. [[Now the second person is on panel, and the first speaks from off-panel. The second person is sitting down working on a laptop.]] Person 1:I'm not sure. When it was packaged, was civilization using the Gregorian or Julian calendar? Person 2: Okay, I'll throw it out. Person 1: No, it might still be good! {{Title text: I am firmly of the opinion that if something doesn't have a year on it, every time the expiration date rolls around it is good again for the two weeks preceeding that date.}}

[[A person is in a cemetery, near a gravestone. Other people stand around staring.]] Person: Frankly, you deserve this. You KNEW I wanted a sans-serif font, and you IGNOERD me. Person: So really, this is YOUR fault. I've discovered the worst place to wander while arguing on a hands-free headset. {{Title text: Three headstones down, I got a call from my mom and it went from bad to worse.}}

[[Three kids are in a living room. Furniture and other things are knocked over, broken, or tilted. The first kid is holding a handle of a plunger with cables goin offscreen.]] First Kid: I've dynamited a trench through the kitchen to divert flow! <<BOOM>> [[The second kid is aiming a hose at the floor.]] Second Kid: More hoses! We need to cool and solidify the surface layer! <<FWOOSH>> [[The third kid is standing on a chair, using a cell phone or radio.]] Third Kid: Where are the damn helicopters? Like many kids, we sometimes pretended the floor was lava. {{Title text: We once got grounded when we convinced the FAA to block flights through our county because of ash clouds.}}

The outbreak started with Patient Zero ... [[Two scientists, a man and a woman, stand outside a lab. A zombie is visible through the window.]] Man: He was exposed to toxin X-7--now he's a bloodthirsty monster! Woman: Has he been in isolation? Zombie: Braaains! Man: Yes, but I can't hold this door for long! Woman: Hang on, I've got a gun in my truck. [[She runs off.]] Zombie (through door): <<wham>> [[The man opens the door as the woman shoots through it.]] <<BLAM>> And ended with Patient Zero five minutes later. Man: So, I never got your name. I'm Ryan. Woman: Laura. The remaining 90 minutes of the movie will be a romantic comedy. {{Title text: Let's get dinner after we promptly destroy all the X-7 in we've manufactured.}}

[[A researcher is looking up into a tree, holding a clipboard in one hand and a radio in the other.]] Researcher: The eagle has left the nest. Off-Panel: *KHHHKHT* Roger that. Alert the agents. *KHKKHHKT* Researcher: Will you stop that? My hobby: Following field biologists around and interpreting everything they say as code phrases. {{Title text: In the off-seasons, I hire an animal trainer to help confront secret agents with situations which they are unable to report by radio.}}

[[One person is pointing to a huge flatscreen HDTV on the wall. The other is holding a cell phone.]] HDTV Owner: Check out my new HDTV--a beautiful, high-def 1080p. Friend: Wow, that's over TWICE the horizontal resolution of my cell phone. Friend: In fact, it almost beats the LCD monitor I got in 2004. It baffles me that people find HDTV impressive. {{Title text: We're also stuck with blurry, juddery, slow-panning 24fps movies forever because (thanks to 60fps home video) people associate high framerates with camcorders and cheap sitcoms, and thus think good framerates look 'fake'.}}

[[A man sits writing in a diary on a desert island, only the sandy tip of which with a palm tree on it stands above the water. Beneath the surface is a kelp forest, some sharks, a stingray, a shipwreck, a submarine, several large jellyfish, a giant squid fighting a sperm whale, a crashed plane, some coral formations, a thermal vent emitting a plume of smoke surrounded by several annelids, and a snail.]] Man: Day 44: Still stranded, with nothing but flat empty water as far as the eye can see. {{Title text: Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.}}

{{Title text: I just caught myself idly trying to work out what that resistor mass would actually be, and realized I had self-nerd-sniped.}} ((A large and complicated circuit diagram.)) [[In the upper left corner there is a map scale, labeled with 1 mi (1 km). Underneath the scale is an antenna symbol that leads down to a blender, an Arduino; labeled with "Arduino, just for blog cred"; and a chip; "Most expensive chip available". To the right of the antenna there is the symbol for an inductor that has it's lower terminal going into a the left terminal of pattern that looks like a highway cloverleaf. The upper terminal leads to a line that is going to the upper terminal of that cloverleaf and to a battery symbol (with the + and - symbols on the wrong ends) with a value of √2V. The right terminal of the cloverleaf is going into a resistor symbol label "120Ω or to taste". Connected to the other terminals of the resistor and battery is a switch that is labeled "glue open". The bottom of the two lines has a transistor with two emitters, one P and one N, and no collector. The P-type emitter is connected to the top line and a jar of scarab beetles. Above the beetles is a resistor labeled "brown blue orange". To the right is an unlabeled resistor with a center tap going into a capacitor, with a ground on the other end. Above the capacitor is a diode, and below an inductor. To the right is another inductor. The two inductors and ground are all covered by a "solder blob". The rightmost component is a "666 timer" that has pin 5 going into a question mark. Back to the left side, below and to the left of the cloverleaf is a compass rose. The bottom terminal of the cloverleaf is connected to a battery, labeled 50V, with grounds on both sides. To the right of the battery is a long horizontal wire that is labeled "pull this wire really tight." That wire is hooked up to a vertical wire that connects to the N-type emitter of the transistor above it. To the right is an AC source that is labeled 240V, shorted out, with a label on the short "omit this if you're a wimp." To the right of that is an inductor that is labeled with "11kg", a batman symbol, and a squirrel. Back to the left end of the diagram, where the blender is, there is a wire that is labeled as a distance 3 8" from the wire with the 50V battery. To the right there is a frowny face, then a vertical wire with a 90 degree bend labeled "caution ↱". That leads into a balloon. Under the balloon is an inductor symbol with a line on the bottom edge labeled as "warm front". Underneath the blender and to the right of the Arduino is a resistor labeled "ë". To the right is an electric eel, a capacitor, an unlabeled resistor, and a gob of hot glue attached to a chip with an inverter hooked to an XOR gate, both with feedback into each other. Under the electric eel is a neck strap. To the right of the XOR gate and inverter is a bridge rectifier labeled as "Moral rectifier" to the right again is a bottle of magic smoke, under that a fishing bobber and then a broken wire labeled with a question mark. Under the most expensive chip available there is a vertical wire labeled with "electrons single file". To the right is a switch labeled "hire someone to open and close switch real fast." To the right of that is a contact labeled "touche tongue here". Below that is a resistor labeled "5Ω (decoy)" with only one terminal connected. To the right of the contact is a methyl group attchaed to a wire. To the right of the methyl group is a complex mesh of 1Ω resistors labeled with "oh, so you think you're such a whiz at EE201?" Connected to the wire labeled "electrons single file" is a wire bent in a U shape with an upside-down ground on the end. To the right is a flux capacitor with the bottom wire labeled I-95. To the right of that is a wire labeled yarn, then an arena with two diodes going in and one leaving. The right diode has a ground on its anode labeled "bury deep, but not too deep." To the right of that is a motor labeled vibrator, resistor with a value of π, and a 500V AC source. Under the flux capacitor is a wire that leads out of frame with a label "← to center of sun". To the right is a 55 MPH speed limit sign, then an SR latch (flip-flop) labeled "may use an actual sandal instead". Connected to the Q of the SR latch is a holding pen and to the inverting Q output is a wire in a knot, a resistor labeled "8mm", a resistor symbol labeled "not a resistor; wire just does this", and a motor symbol labeled "to scale". Under the wire that leads off to the center of the sun is a tangled mess of wires connected and jumping over each other, then a photo diode labeled "tear collector". Under the tear collector is a wire in the shape of a ECG. To the right is a light bulb, a capacitor-looking symbol labeled 3 liters, a resistor labeled yes, an unlabeled inductor, a resistor with a question mark as a label. To the right of all that is an inductor labeled "take off shirt while wiring this part. Ooh, yeah, I like that." Finally, in the lower right hand corner is a ground symbol immersed in a beaker of holy water.]]

[[A human points a laser pointer at the floor. A black cat crouches, staring at the red dot.]] [[The cat pounces.]] [[The cat lands with its paw on the dot, claws out.]] [[The cat tugs on the dot.]] <<tug tug>> [[The human looks at and tries to use the laser pointer, which is no longer emitting a beam.]] Human: ?? <<click click>> [[The cat nibbles on the red laser dot.]] Cat: <<lick? nom nom>> [[The cat arches, emitting red shock lines.]] [[The cat shoots lasers out of its eyes at the human, who is covered in a bright red glow.]] <<FWOOSH>> Human: AUGH! ((The right side of the panel is the end of a thought bubble ...)) [[The black cat, sleeping, has dreamed the entire strip.]] {{Title text: It's a lasing cat-vity!}}

[[A man is sitting in an armchair, playing with an iPad. A woman is looking over his shoulder.]] Man: Navigating Google Maps on the iPad is fun. It feels so futuristic. Man: Swoosh! Zoom! Woman: There are, right now, monkeys controlling robotic arms via neural implants. Woman: A huge and alien future is barreling toward us. And I can't WAIT. Woman: But no, your iPad is cool, too. Man: Stop spoiling my future with your slightly more distant one. {{Title text: Maybe we're all gonna die, but we're gonna die in *really cool ways*.}}