ABCD

[[Two characters walk & talk together.]] Bald character: We're almost at the back to the future date. Hair'd character: We're even closer to the star wars tipping point. Bald character: The what? [[A timeline appears, labeled at 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010.]] Return of the Jedi | The phantom menace | | May 13th | | | |<------>|<-------->| -----|-----|-----|-----|------ 1980 1990 2000 2010 Hair'd character: On may 13th, the phantom menace will have come out closer to return of the jedi than to the present Bald character: Wow. Bald character: It's weird how I'm constantly surprised by the passage of time when it's literally the most predictable thing in the universe. Hair'd character (gazing into distance): You know, "a long time ago" should have "plus four more decades" added in rereleases. {{Title text: A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...}}

[[A character is engrossed in a laptop at a desk, while a standing character looks on silently.]] Sitting character: "Dawn" has almost reached Ceres. Sitting character: I'm excited that we'll finally learn what that stupid white dot is. [[A blurry and small planet, hung on an inky starless backdrop. We can faintly see a white dot.]] [[The planet is enlarged to fill the whole frame, and we can see there is some text on the white dot.]] [[Only a small portion of the planet is visible, and we can see details of its surface. We can see that quite unlike the surface of the planet, the white dot is a giant crisp sticker, with a message in huge letters.]] Inspected by no. 6 {{Title text: Earth clearly hasn't been inspected, since it's definitely contaminated with salmonella.}}

[[A character with a jaunty hat holds forth to character paying rather more attention to a nearby insect.]] First character: Well, technically, food is a "drug", since it's a substance that alters how your body works, so yes, I'm- Second character: Hey, look at that weird bug! Caption: My life improved when I realized I could just ignore any sentence that started with "Technically". {{Title text: "Technically that sentence started with 'well', so--" "Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!"}}

((This comic is eight illustrated and labeled screw heads.)) [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a plus sign.]] Phillips head [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]] Flat head [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a star.]] Uh oh. Maybe it's on amazon? [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a diamond, or a very poorly defined plus sign.]] Cursed -1 phillips head. [[A screw with no indentation.]] Crap, it's a RIVET. [[A screw with an indentation that looks like a hexagon.]] Phillips-head ruiner [[A slightly glowing screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]] Uranium screw (a real thing) [[A tied burlap sack, leaking a strange dark ichor.]] Phillip's head {{Title text: If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn't work and it's a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!}}

[[A character is staring at the screen of their smartphone.]] Phone: This website wants to know your location. Character: Allow. [[The character stares at the screen in disbelief, and cocks their head slightly.]] Phone: This website wants to know your momentum. Character: Deny. Nice try. {{Title text: Our phones must have great angular momentum sensors because the compasses really suck.}}

((This comic is a single panel.)) [[A multitude of terrain features are drawn and labeled.]] Desert Mountains Glacier Lake Plain My house River Delta Lagoon Bay Strait Peninsula Island Sea Forest Mesa Hills Volcano Caption:If I could live anywhere, I would choose the example map from geography books that explains what everything is called. {{Title text: The place I'd least like to live is the farm in the background of those diagrams showing how tornadoes form.}}

[[A doctor reading a clipboard consults a patient sitting on an examination table.]] Doctor: I see the problem. Your gut macrobiome is out of balance. Doctor: One moment. [[Doctor walks off-panel]] Patient: I think you mean MICRObiome. Patient: ..right? [[Doctor returns slightly rumpled and carrying a wolf.]] Doctor: No. Here, swallow this. Patient: That's a wolf. Doctor: Do you need a glass of water? {{Title text: I know it seems unpleasant, but of the two ways we typically transfer them, I promise this is the one you want.}}

((This comic is a single panel)) [[Three characters silently focus on a whiteboard, titled KIX SLOGAN IDEAS They clutch markers while pondering an ending to their slogan.]] Kid tested, mother... [[There are several possible sentence endings, all verb phrases. They are all crossed out.]] selected perfected not notified watching helplessly infected consumed fucker {{Title text: My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.}}

[[A character with hair, carrying a flashlight, approaches a sitting bald character, engrossed in a laptop computer.]] Hair'd character: Our bathroom looks pretty clean, right? Bald character: I think so. Why? Hair'd character: I got a UV flashlight. Come look. [[Together they exit panel left, hair'd character proudly brandishing the UV flashlight. [[conversation continues off-panel]] Off-panel voice: Looks fine. <<Click>> <<Click>> Off-panel voice: ..oh my god. [[Characters return to visible panel. Bald character looks back in fear.]] Bald character: The toilet looked like the guy's chest after the alien burst out. Hair'd character: What do we DO? [[Bald character supplicates calmness with arms]] Bald character: We clean. Clean and clean and never stop. Hair'd character: It won't be enough. We should just burn the place down for the insurance money. [[The hair'd character has begun dousing the floor with a can of gasoline]] Bald character: Isn't that wrong? Hair'd character: My morality has evaporated under the harsh UV light. [[A multistory building burns brightly, as the characters watch silently.]] [[Bald character is using a smartphone.]] Bald character: Ok, I'm googling insurance companies. Which one do you think pays the most? Hair'd character: Let's just try calling around. {{Title text: Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.}}

((There's a 2D chart.)) ((The vertical axis reads:)) not very worried <-- ... in real life --> very worried ((The chart itself includes the following items:)) <---------------- Chest wound --------------> * ... on your right side * ... on your left side * Getting knocked out by a punch * "We need to talk." * Persistent cough * Parking ticket * Breaking news * Spilling a drink on your shirt * Nosebleed ((The horizontal axis reads:)) not very worried <-- ... in movies --> very worried {{Title text: If the breaking news is about an event at a hospital or a lab, move it all the way over to the right.}}

[[Two characters meet. One is wearing a beret.]] Character: Any New Year's resolutions? Bereted character: Gonna figure out what email is. Character: ... Email? Bereted character: People always say they're sending them. They sound really into it, so I always nod, but I have no idea what it is. Character: You have an address on your website! [[The bereted character looks thoughtful.]] Bereted character: Oh, that's what that thing is. Character: Email is important! You can't just never check it. It's not like voicemail. Bereted character: Can't they just send messages normally? Character: How? Bereted character: Fax! Or snapchat. Character: ... The naked pic thing? Bereted character: Fax machines aren't just for faxting! {{Title text: My New Year's resolution for 2014-54-12 30 14 Dec:12:1420001642 is to learn these stupid time formatting strings.}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Character: What's up? Second character: they're announcing the winner of the compulsive phone-checking championship. [[The second character looks at their phone.]] [[Both characters stare silently at each other.]] [[The second character looks at their phone again.]] Character: Did you win? Second character: Site's down. Character: Weird. Second character: I'll keep refreshing. {{Title text: 'Where were you when you learned you'd won?' 'I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.'}}

[[There's a phone.]] ((It's surrounded by labels pointing at features of the phone. These are presented counterclockwise from the top.)) ((The following arrow points at a lozenge along the top edge of the screen.)) <-- Always-on speaker <-- MaxHD: Over 350 pixels per screen <-- Volume and density control <-- FitBit(r) Fitness Evaluator <-- Dog noticer <-- 3D Materials <-- OS by StackOverflow(r) ((The following arrow points at a button on the bottom edge of the screen.)) <-- Scroll lock ((The following arrow points at an opening on the bottom edge of the phone, where a charger would typically go.)) <-- Coin Slot ((The following arrow points at a small drawer where one would expect a SIM card to fit.)) <-- Bug drawer <-- Cries if lost <-- Cheek toucher <-- Googleable <-- Waterproof (Interior only) <-- Ribbed <-- Auto-rotating case ((The following arrow points at dots above the top edge of the screen.)) <-- Blood Pressure Reliever Introducing The xkcd Phone 2 A Phone For Your Other Hand(r) {{Title text: Washable, though only once.}}

[[Two characters are walking and talking.]] Character: Say Santa eats a cookie at every few houses. That's hundreds of tons. By the end of the night, he should be a hulking seven-story behemoth. Character: But he's not. [[The characters stop and face one another.]] Second character: What are you... Character: Does Santa poop in our houses? [[They continue to walk.]] Second character: No way. Character: That mass must be going somewhere. Second character: He has that magic bag... Character: You think he poops in the bag of presents ? [[The second character gestures thoughtfully.]] Second character: Maybe instead of pooping in every few houses, he waits, and then in a few houses, he poops a lot . Character: And what if no one's been that naughty? Second character: He picks at random. The needs of the many... {{Title text: He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.}}

[[An astronomy building is surrounded by trees. Inside it, someone is talking.]] Because of low oxygen, astronomers working at high altitude telescopes may need to write down their plans ahead of time while at sea level. Astronomer: Ok, let's head up to the observatory. [[Astronomers are in a van, driving swiftly up a hill.]] Astronomer: When we reach the summit, we'll check the iodine cell and do a general calibration. Second astronomer: Sounds good. [[The van reaches the top of the hill and parks in a flat area, near some telescope domes. The astronomers are still inside it.]] Astronomer: My head feels funny. Second astronomer: Look at those telescope domes. Astronomer: Maybe we should tape them down. [[The voices of the astromers have moved into one of the telescope domes.]] Second astronomer: Haha, look at this mirror! My face is huge! Astronomer: I see your face in the telescope! I discovered you! Second astronomer: Let's make out! {{Title text: "TURN OFF THE LASER GUIDE STAR" "WHY" "STAR CATS"}}

[[A human stands on a stage, pointing at a projected display.]] Human: We've designed a double-blind trial to test the effect of sexual activity on cardiovascular health. Human: Both groups will think they're having lots of sex, but one group will actually be getting sugar pills. The limitations of blind trials {{Title text: Plus, you have to control for the fact that some people are into being blindfolded.}}

((This comic is an infographic. A very good transcription is available in complete form here: http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1461 )) {{Title text: With a space elevator, a backyard full of solar panels could launch about 500 horses per year, and a large power plant could launch 10 horses per minute.}}

[[A person sits at a desk and peers at a laptop.]] SMFW an acronym almost makes sense. {{Title text: wtfw it's like smho tbfh, imdb.}}

[[White Hat Guy sits at a desk and types at a computer. Stick Guy looks over his shoulder. A balloon shows a list of documents on the screen: Untitled 138.docx Untitled 241.doc Untitled 138 copy.docx Untitled 138 copy2.docx Untitled 139.docx Untitled 40 MOM ADDRESS.jpg Untiled 242.doc Untitled 243.doc Untitled 243 IMPORTANT.doc Untitled41.doc ..and so on.]] SG: OH MY GOD. Protip: never look in someone else's documents folder. {{Title text: Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc}}

[[The exterior of the Millennium Falcon, watching as an Imperial Fighter approaches the Death Star in the distance. Voices from inside...]] Luke: He's heading for that small moon. Obi-Wan: That's no moon - it's a space station. [[The same view.]] Luke: It's too big to be a space station. Obi-Wan: But it's too small to be a moon. [[Three hours pass]] [[The Millennium Falcon in side view.]] Obi-Wan: Fine! What if we agree it's not a moon, but we make a new category called "dwarf moon"? Luke: And what's the cutoff, asshole?! Is this ship a dwarf moon now? Obi-Wan: Screw you. {{Title text: GENERAL JAN DODONNA: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has reinvigorated the arguments of the 'artificial moonlet' and 'rogue planet-station' camps. I fear this question is fracturing the Rebellion.}}

[[A person is standing on a chair with a mobile phone in one hand and a pineapple in the other. Another person is standing behind them.]] Person 2: Why are you standing on a chair holding a pineapple? Person 1: I wasn't getting good reception but now I am! The erratic feedback from a randomly-varying wireless signal can make you crazy. {{Title text: A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.}}

[[Two people are walking along together.]] Person 1: If we could land a man on the moon, why can't we - Person 2: - land a man on the moon? Person 1: ...ok, fair. But we're working on it, ok? {{Title text: "I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on Venus and returning him safely to--" [an aide frantically whispers in the president's ear for a moment] "... of landing a man on Venus."}}

[[Stick Guy, holding a newspaper, walks up to Black Hat, who is sitting at a desk and facing the other way.]] SG: Ever heard of the trolley problem? BH: No. What is it? [[Close up on Stick Guy.]] SG: A trolley is barreling towards five helpless people on the tracks. You can pull a lever to direct it onto another track, but- [[Black Hat turns his wheelie desk chair to face Stick Guy.]] BH: Can I reach the lever without getting up? SG: Wait, I'm not- BH: In this scenario, how busy am I? [[Stick Guy and Black Hat facing each other.]] SG: I guess I forgot who I was talking to. BH: For a dollar, I'll promise to pull the lever if one of the five people is you. {{Title text: For $5 I promise not to orchestrate this situation, and for $25 I promise not to take further advantage of this ability to create incentives.}}

[[A woman with dark curly hair is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]] Curly: (typing) I had started to think I was asking too much, that I needed to settle. And then I found you half a world away. [[Close-up on Curly.]] Curly: (typing) I've been saving money. Six months from now, I'll be able to fly you here and support us for a while. [[Same as first panel.]] Curly: (typing) It's a long wait, but we'll talk every day until then. May this won't work out, but I want to try. What do you think? [[She stops typing.]] Computer: ERROR: Your message could not be sent. [refresh] ERROR: No connection. [[A light-haired woman with a ponytail walks in.]] Curly: Why can't I connect? Ponytail: Someone saw a ridiculous video and said, "That's it, shut down the internet, we're done." So they did. [[Looks sadly down at the laptop, hands in her lap.]] Curly: ...but... I wasn't done. {{Title text: I'm sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.}}

[[A person stands on a stage, pointing at an fMRI of a brain projected on a screen.]] Person: Our fMRI study found that subjects performing simple memory tasks showed activity in the parts of the brain associated with loud noises, claustrophobia, and the removal of jewelry. {{Title text: They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won't stop talking about Warped Tour.}}

[[White Hat guy and another person are walking along.]] WH: In Jurassic World , we've used genetic engineering to invent a better Dinosaur. OP: Tyrannosaurus is the most charismatic animal that ever lived, and you think you'll upstage it? [[They continue to walk along.]] WH: Tyrannosaurus was cool, but it's two decades old! OP: I think it's a little older than that. [[As they walk along, White Hat points up at something in front of them.]] WH: We took Tyrannosaurus and we improved it. Made it scarier, deadlier, smarter. == Look- there it is! [[The pair are dwarfed in comparison to the T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics.]] {{Title text: Hey guys! What's eating you? Ha ha ha it's me! Oh, what fun we have.}}

What I Pay Attento to In Movies: [[A pie chart with a small slice labeled 'plot, characters', and the vast majority labeled 'computer screens shown briefly in the background'. Below, two people are watching TV, one from an armchair, one from the floor in front of them.]] Floor: Hang on - that blurry map behind the General shows one of the alien ships is in Greenland! Why Greenland?! Armchair: Can we please just watch the movie? {{Title text: No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.}}

[[Black Hat Guy walks up to Stick Guy, who has a laptop and a cardboard box on the floor.]] BH: What's in there? SG: The AI-Box experiment. [[A close up on the box, which is hooked up to the laptop with a USB cable. Writing on the box says "Superintelligent AI - do not open."}} SG: A superintelligent AI can convince anyone of anything, so if it can talk to us, there's no way we could keep it contained. [[Black Hat Guy reaches down toward the box.]] SG: It can always convince us to let it out of the box. BH: Cool. Let's open it. [[Black Hat picks up and opens the box. A little glowy ball comes out of it.]] SG: -- NO, WAIT!! [[The two stare up at it, Black Hat is still holding the box..]] AI: (in a wavy speech bubble filled with outer space, in a white serif font) hey. i liked that box. put me back. BH: No. [[The background from the previous panel's speech bubble (black with stars) expands to fill the whole panel, and the AI glows brightly. Stick Guy puts his hands up to shield his face. Black Hat opens the box.]] AI: (in big white block letters) LET ME BACK INTO THE BOX BH: AAA! OK!!! [[The panel returns to normal as the AI flies back down into the box.]] *shoop* [[Black Hat puts the box back down on the floor and both stare at it.]] {{Title text: I'm working to bring about a superintelligent AI that will eternally torment everyone who failed to make fun of the Roko's Basilisk people.}}

[[An elliptical map projection of the supercontinents Laurasia and Gondwana.]] Laurasia: Red rover, red rover, send India over! [[India breaks off from Gondwana and shifts towards Laurasia.]] How the Himalayas formed. {{Title text: I just learned about the Slide Mountain Ocean, which I like because it's three nouns that sound like they can't possibly all refer to the same thing.}}

[[A post-it note which reads, Dear Isaac Do you like me? (box)Yes (box)No (handwritten in red ink - a checked box) there is as yet insufficient data for a meaningful answer]] {{Title text: The universe long dead, Isaac surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. 'I like you,' he declared to the void, 'but I don't LIKE like you.'}}

[[Simply text, cropped at the very top of the first line and very bottom of the last line to give the impression it is a snippet of a longer text. Reads: Many meta-analysis studies include the phrase "we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for studies..." This has led to meta-meta-analysses comparing meta-analysis methods. eg. M Sampson (2003), PL Royle (2005) E Lee (2011), AR Lemeshow (2005) We performed a meta-meta-meta-analysis of these meta-meta-analyses. Methods: We searched Medline, embase, and Cochrane for the phrase 'we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for the phrase "we searched Medline, Embase, and]] Life Goal #28: Get a paper rejected with the comment "too meta" {{Title text: Life goal #29 is to get enough of them rejected that I can publish a comparative analysis of the rejection letters.}}

((The current status of Philae, the lander that accompanied the Rosetta spacecraft in order to land on comet 67P Churyumov–Gerasimenko. A very thorough explanation of the comic is available here: http: www.explainxkcd.com wiki index.php 1446:_Landing )) {{Title text: [LIVE]}}

{{Title text: I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.}} Time Cost [[Bar graph]] Strategy A [[Small bar]] Strategy B [[Slightly larger bar than A]] Analyzing whether strategy A or B is more efficient [[Bar several times the length of A or B]] The reason I am so inefficient

{{Title text: Cloud computing has a ways to go.}} [[Man and woman laying on the ground]] Man: What do you think that cloud looks like? [[Woman takes a picture with her phone]] <<Snap>> [[Man sits up and looks at woman]] Phone: Google -> Search by image Phone: [Uploading...] [[Man lies back down]] Phone: Best guess for this image: Cloud Man: Keep trying, Google.

{{Title text: Not to go all sentence fragment on you.}} [[Man and woman standing]] Woman: I don't mean to go all language nerd on you, but I just legit adverbed "legit," verbed "adverb," and adjectived "language nerd."

{{Title text: These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.}} ((Capital letter H with circles on each of the legs of the H)) Hydrogen can form four bonds. It readily bonds with itself, and often exists as a crystal. ((Image of several letters H "bonded" labeled crystalline hydrogen)) ((Capital letter C with circles on each end of the letter)) Carbon can only form two bonds. It readily bonds with hydrogen to form C₂H (mydrane) or itself. ((Image of two letters C linked labeled C₂)) ((Image of two letters C linked with a letter H between them labeled C₂H)) ((Capital letter O)) Oxygen is inert, forming no bonds... ((Image of several letters O labeled monatomic oxygen gas)) Typographic chemistry

[[Two figures are engaged in a fight with laser pistols. Figure 1 is standing behind a small box, firing his gun at figure 2.]] [[Figure 2 is kneeling behind a larger box, returning fire.]] [[Figure 1 leaps on top of the larger box, knocking figure 2 backwards and off balance. Figure 2 fires wildly into the air.]] [[Figure 1 is standing on the box. Figure 2 is sprawled on the ground, laser pistol out of reach, at gunpoint.]] Figure 1: Any last words? Figure 2: "Apollo retroreflectors." Figure 1: What? [[Figure 1 gets shot in the back by the returning beam of figure 2's wild shot.]] {{Title text: Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say 'Apollo retroreflector' really fast, just in case.}}

[[A figure and a woman lie on the ground, looking up at the sky. A flock of geese fly into frame in a V.]] [[The geese fly across the panel.]] [[The geese have passed. The woman points at the sky.]] Woman: To think... we're seeing light that left those geese centuries ago. By now, they could be long dead. [[The figure props himself up to turn around and look at her.]] Figure: ... What? They're a few hundred yards away. I hear them honking. Woman: Ah, yes. You're hearing how they once sounded. Figure: You're very weird. Woman: Or I was, long ago... {{Title text: Anyway, that's a common misconception. Geese live for a long time; all the ones we can see will probably keep flying around for billions of years before they explode.}}

[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman sitting at a computer desk.]] Black hat guy: I've discovered something. Woman: Oh? [[We see a close-up of black hat guy's face.]] Black hat guy: Standard server rack units and standard beehive honeycomb frames are compatible. They're both 19 inches, with similar pitches. Woman: Uh oh. [[The woman has turned round in her chair to look at black hat guy.]] Black hat guy: I'm pleased to announce that today, for a few hours, Google led the world in datacenter honey production. Until their security people kicked me out. [[The woman turns back to her computer, while black hat guy walks off.]] Woman: I'm sorry your beekeeping career ended so quickly. Black hat guy: I'll find a new datacentre. Turns out most colocation TOSes don't mention beehives. Woman: I suspect that will soon change. {{Title text: There's also nothing in the TOSes that says you can't let a dog play baseball in the server room!}}

[[A spacecraft floats in outer space, the earth far in the background. Bits of it have broken off.]] Orbiter transmission: Houston, we have a problem [[A figure with a headset sits at a computer desk with two monitors. Figure: Cool. [[We see a close-up of the figure.]] Orbiter transmission: ... What? Houston, we stirred our O2 tank and it exploded! Figure: Sounds like you suck at stirring. [[We see the orbiter in space, far from the planet.]] Orbiter transmission: ... Houston? Are you- Figure: Listen, I've got another call. Good luck landing your airplane or whatever. <<Click>> {{Title text: 'Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.'}}

{{Title text: 'Can't you just use the LHC you already built to find it again?' 'We MAY have disassembled it to build a death ray.' 'Just one, though.' 'Nothing you should worry about.' 'The death isn't even very serious.'}} [[Woman standing at a podium with man behind her]] Person off scene: Tell us about your proposal. Woman: We're requesting $3 billion in funding to find the Higgs Boson. Person off scene: ... wait. Didn't you already find it a year or two ago? Man: Yes, well, um. [[Zoom into woman]] Woman: ... ok, this is embarrassing. Man off scene: See, the thing is--- [[Zoom out to original scene]] Person off scene: Don't tell us you lost it already. Woman: Look. In our defense it's really small.

{{Title text: Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we'll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won't bring us very many rocks.}} [[Two people talking]] Person 1: You know that glowing orb in the night sky? Person 2: Yeah? Person 1: Let's go hit it with a hammer until little pieces break off, then bring the pieces back and lock them in a closet. Person 2: Sounds good! The Apollo program was weird.

{{Title text: When putting his kids to bed, after saying 'Goodnight', Obama has to stop himself from saying 'God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.'}} [[Scene with television]] <<Beep>><<Beep>><<Beep>><<Beep>> Television reading "E.A.S. Incoming presidential alert" [[Television showing the President of the United States of America]] President: My fellow Americans. ((pause)) I, uhhh. Wow. President: Frankly, I didn't realize what this button did. I was just... I mean... I appear before you tonight to, um. President: Look, uhh... Remember to floss regularly. Oral hygiene is important. ((pause)) Thank you.

{{Title text: Water ice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking 'where do birds go when it rains' is like asking 'where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?'}} [[Man sitting at a desk using a computer]] Man: "Where do birds go when it rains?" is my new favorite Google search. Woman ((off scene)): Why: [[Zoom out to show man and woman]] Man: It gives the answer, but also shows you an endless torrent of other people asking the same question. Pages and pages of them, across regions and cultures. [[Showing only the computer displaying Google search results]] Man: I love the idea that somehow this is the universal question, the thing that unites us. When it rains we wonder where the birds go, and hope they're staying dry. ((Large infographic-like collage of results of "where do birds go when it rains?")) [[Bird standing on a power line]] [[Zoom in on bird as it's starting to rain]] [[Zoom out and bird is in the middle of a rain storm]] [[Bird flies down toward a phone on the ground]] [[Bird stands on the phone]] [[Bird tapping on the phone]] Bird ((tapping)): W...h...e...r...e... d...o... b...i...r...d...s...

{{Title text: A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.}} [[Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]] Darth Vader: I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. [[Darth Vader turns on the lightsaber]] <<Snap>><<Hiss>> [[Darth Vader looks at the light saber]] Darth Vader: Where does it end? Luke: Doesn't Someone off-scene: Hull breach all along sector five!!

{{Title text: 'It's not actually ... it's a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that's not the one we're in, to gain a broader understanding about it.' 'oh, like a boat!' '...' 'Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.'}} [[Woman talking to a man]] Woman: Just for the sake of argument, let's say that-- Man: -- wait, for the sake of what? [[Zoom in on man]] Woman ((off scene)): Argument. Man: Ok, cool, that's totally a good reason to say something that's wrong. Gotta have arguments. [[Zoom out to original scene]] Woman: I'm just playing devil's advocate. Man: Ok. So you saw an argument where one side was the devil, and you were like "man, that guy could use an advocate." [[Zoom out and in silhouette]] Woman: It's... why are you being so difficult? Man: For the sake of argument. Woman: Argh! Man: Yay, it's working!

{{Title text: People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.}} [[Graph denoting the percentage of population living in states with either living with legal interracial marriage (red solid line), legal same-sex marriage (blue solid line) and the popular approval of interracial marriage (red dashed line) and same-sex marriage (blue dashed line)]]

{{Title text: Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!}} [[Man and woman talking]] Man: What do you do? Woman: I make software that predicts how proteins will fold. [[Same scene layout, second panel]] Man: Is that a hard problem? Woman: Someone may someday find a harder one. [[Same scene layout, third panel]] Man: Why is it so hard? Woman: Have you ever made a folded paper crane? Man: Yeah. [[Same scene layout, fourth panel]] Woman: Imagine figuring out the folds to make an actual living crane. Man: ... just folds? Can I make cuts? Woman: If you can fold a protease enzyme.

{{Title text: If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.}} [[Person reading from their phone]] Person: According to this polling data, after Kirk and Picard the most popular Star Trek character are Data. Person off scene: Augh! ((Below scene)) Annoy grammar pedants on all sides by making "data" singular except when referring to the android.

{{Title text: I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.}} [[Man being interviewed at a desk by a woman]] Man: My motto is "move fast and break things." ((below scene)) Jobs I've been fired from -- Fedex driver Crane operator Surgeon Air traffic controller Pharmacist Museum curator Waiter Dog walker Oil tanker captain Violinist Mars rover driver Massage therapist

{{Title text: More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'}} Movie Quotes [[Drawing of iOS 8 keyboard with "elementary, my dear" on the input line and "friend," "lord," and "friends" on the suggestion line]] According to iOS 8 keyboard prediction [[Tony Montana from Scarface holding a gun]] Say hello to my little ((gray text)) sister and my mom and my dad and my friends [[Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz]] Toto, I've a feeling we're not ((gray text)) going to the gym today [[James Bond and a woman]] Bond. James Bond ((gray text)) yields [[Wash from Firefly Serenity]] I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch ((gray text)) me play the piano [[Mikey from The Goonies]] Goonies never say ((gray text)) anything [[Gimli from The Lord of The Rings]] ((off scene)) You have my sword. ((off scene)) And my bow. And my ((gray text)) dad

[[A figure sits at a couch. Black hat guy walks up from behind, holding some paper.]] Black hat guy: I discovered this weird trick for reducing your mortgage payments! Figure: What? Black hat guy: Sodium borohydride. Figure: ... I hate you. {{Title text: I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn't light.}}

[[A figure stands behind a woman sitting at a desk with a computer on it.]] Figure: When a user takes a photo, the app should check whether they're in a national park... Woman programmer: Sure, easy GIS lookup. Gimme a few hours. Figure: ... and check whether the photo is of a bird. Woman programmer: I'll need a research team and five years. In CS, it can be hard to explain the difference between the easy and the virtually impossible. {{Title text: In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.}}

[[Two fencers stand facing each other. The left one has his sword up; the right one keeps his lowered.]] Left fencer: En garde! Right fencer: OK. Right fencer: No matter how long we know each other, when you ask "What are you thinking," I will always pause before answering. Left fencer: Maybe a little less guarded? Right fencer: No way. I've been hurt before. {{Title text: 'Touch!' 'Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.'}}

[[A figure and a woman sit facing each other at a dining table with glasses of wine and a candle on it.]] Figure: So, what do you do in your free time? [[We see the woman in close-up.]] Woman: Mostly I sit around worrying someone will ask me that, and try to think of a good answer. [[We see both at the table again. The woman gets up to go.]] Figure: That's not a bad answer. Woman: It's all I've got. Now that it's done, I should go. Bye! {{Title text: Later, at home: 'Dear diary: Still can't figure out what to write here ...'}}

[[Beret guy walks up to a figure, holding his phone.]] Beret guy: My phone's about to die. [[They stand and look at each other. Beret Guy's phone seems a bit bigger.]] Figure: Where'd you get a big iPhone? I didn't think they were out yet. Beret guy: It's my regular one. It's just dying. [[His phone is now the size of a tablet.]] Beret guy: As it consumes its battery, it heats up and expands. Soon it will swell to enormous size, engulfing us both. [[His phone is now the size of a badger.]] Beret guy: Then it will collapse in a violent explosion! Figure: ... Do you want to borrow my charger? Beret guy: That would only make it run out faster! {{Title text: When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.}}

{{Title text: Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.}} [[Man sitting at a computer reading code]] # Dear future self, # You're looking at this file because the parse function finally broke. # It's not fixable. You have to rewrite it. Sincerely, past self Man: Dear past self, it's kinda creepy how you do that. # Also, it's probably at least 2013. Did you ever take that trip to Iceland? Man: Stop judging me!

[[A timeline runs across the top with notches at 1990, 2000, 2010, 2020, and 2030. Below it, a shaded box that reads 'Regular Watches' runs from the far left to about 2003. Another shaded box, from about 2015 to the far right, reads 'Smart Watches'. An arrow points to the blank space between them.]] Brief, glorious period in which our wrists were free {{Title text: Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.}}

[[Shaggy-haired person walking across panel. A voice is heard out of panel.]] SHP: Why is there a teapot in the bathroom? OOP: Sorry. When I'm on the phone I always zone out and pick stuff up and carry it around. [[SHP at the open fridge door, holding a hammer.]] SHP: There's a hammer in the fridge. OOP: Another phone call. I was just fidgeting. [[SHP walks by four stacks of objects. They consist of books, baseballs, blenders, and other unidentified rectangular objects.]] SHP: Did you put all our stuff in weird stacks? OOP: Long call. Sorry. [[SHP goes out to the backyard, looks up at towering monolith.]] SHP: ...why is there a giant obelisk in the backyard? OOP: Phone again. My bad. SHP: It's carved with prayers to "Ba'al, the Soul-Eater." OOP: Haha! I'm so absentminded. {{Title text: 'No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba'al guy has to say.'}}

New Favorite Browser Text Replacement: FORCE -> HORSE [[Person sitting at desk, looking at computer screen. A series of headlines on the computer read:]] Ukranian Towns Threatened by Pro-Russian Horses Governor Appoints Task Horse Iraqi Air Horse Growing Quarks, which are bound together by the strong nuclear horse... {{Title text: Officer suspended from horse.}}

[[Two people are having a conversation.]] Person 1: Can you name all the dwarfs from Snow White? Person 2: Sure, there's, um... ((A wide thought bubble comes from Person 2, with 7 dwarfs, each labeled:)) Sneezy, Phylum, Europe, Sloth, Guacamole, Data Link, Colossus of Rhodes {{Title text: The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellsley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.}}

[[A large picture of a person kneeling on the ground, stacking turtles.]] ((In this strip, when you zoom into the panel, each pixel becomes its own panel. Each of those panels can be scrolled into, for the same effect. The story progresses as you scroll deeper.)) [[The Earth as seen from space with the words BOOK LAUNCH.]] [[A stick-Randall holding a copy of 'What If?' saying, "So excited about my book launch!"]] [[A copy of the cover of 'What If?' labeled "book."]] [[Stick-Randall is assembling parts from a box labeled 'rocket parts' and preparing to 'launch' his book.]] [[Various stages of assembly.]] [[A second person comes in, looks at SR's rocket set-up and says, "Needs more struts."]] [[SR adds more struts.]] [[The rocket launches.]] [[A big cloud of smoke, which then dissipates.]] [[SR and the other person look skywards at the launched book.]] [[The book is shown leaving Earth's orbit.]] [[The other person turns to SR and says, "I think that was the only one."]] [[The two walk away.]] ((The panels after this are a random assortment of these mostly stand-alone panels.)) [[A momma duck with several ducklings in a row behind her, labeled 'Evolution.']] [[The other person floating around in the sky.]] [[A stick figure with a sploshing bucket of water saying, "I'm gonna shut down the server!"]] [[Two people walking along, one saying, "But if the Time-Turners worked after Book 3, Rowling would have used one to go back and remove the Time Turner from Book 3."]] [[The code: ~$ du -s video 4170882256 ~$ du -s video A lot. ~$]] [[A cloud.]] [[A flock of birds.]] [[MU]] [[A pixel.]] [[A person using a computer on the floor.]] [[HOLISM]] [[Saturn]] [[An atom.]] [[Two people star-gazing on a hill.]] [[Person one says, "Someone once told me the great kings of the past look down on us..." Person two says, "From the stars?" The first person replies, "Just in general."]] [[The start of Mario World 1-1.]] {{Title text: It's turtles all the way down.}}

[[A figure flies through the air from a parachute made from spider silk. There are mountains in the distance.]] Figure: Ooh, that looks like a good spot to land, eat some bugs, and make an egg sac! ♫ Spider-man, spider-man, does whatever a spider can ♪ {{Title text: Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I'm lucky, she'll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!}}

[[White Hat Guy and another guy are walking along. WHG is reading an article.]] WHG: Weird - another study found that kids who use SMS abbreviations actually score higher on grammar and spelling tests. Other guy: Why on earth is that a surprise? [[Other guy expounds while an inset panel shows various kids throwing and catching balls while doing such things as walking the dog and eating lunch.]] OG: Imagine kids start playing catch literally all the time . Everywhere they go, they throw balls back and forth, toss them in the air, and hurl them at trees and signs - nearly every waking hour of their lives. [[WHG starts to walk away.]] OG:Do you think their generation will suck at baseball because they learned sloppy skills? WHG: ...so you think someone will become a great writer while sexting ? [[They both walk together.]] OG: Have you read James Joyce's love letters? The phrases "my little fuckbird" and "arse full of farts" appear. If we want to write Ulysses , our generation may not be sexting enough . WHG: Eww. {{Title text: I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.}}

{{Title text: Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!}} Obscure words and phrases everyone suddenly becomes familiar with Pre 1995 - World wide web, DNA evidence Post 1995 - Militia movement, supermax Post 2000 - Butterfly ballot, al-qaeda, wi-fi Post 2005 - Tsunami, viral Post 2010 - Radicalize, metadata Post 2015 - Lahar, Insect-borne Post 2020 - Earth-crossing, thermohaline, snow blindness Post 2025 - Amplexus, controlled hydroplaning Post 2030 - Paradoxical reaction, drone desertion, rapid hair growth Post 2035 - I swear allegiance to the God-Empress in life and in death

{{Title text: My upcoming alubm, 'Linked List', has covers of 'The Purple People Eater', the Ninja Turtles theme, 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini', and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.}} Wikpedia article titles with the right syllable stress pattern to be sung to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. ((The following are in the TMNT logo style)) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Asian Human Rights Commission San Diego City Council Single Payer Health Insurance Spotted Giant Flying Squirrel Woman Science Fiction Authors ((The following are normally written)) Biggest Loser: Second Chances Cayman Island blue iguana Central Texas pocket gopher Church of Jesus Christ Creator Climat change and meat production Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Daylight saving time in China Denver airport people mover Easter Island spiny lobster Edgar Allan Poe Museum Engine failure after take-off English as a second language Former Arctic Monkeys members Fowler's Modern English Usage Georgia game and fish department Golden-mantled howler monkey Greater Cleveland film commission Hairy flower chafer beetle Harland David "Colonel" Sanders Human Tissue Resource Network Klondike class destroyer tender Legal code of North Dakota Lesser knapweed flower weevil Lockheed Martin Atlas Rocket Maple syrup urine syndrome Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Nablus mask-like facial syndrome Neo-Geo Pocket Color New Year's Eve with Carson Daily Newton's Second Law of Motion North Korean Workers Party Over Under cable coiling Peter peter pumpkin eater Places named for Adolf Hitler Proton-proton chain reaction Puerto Rican lizard-cuckoo Quantum vacuum plasma thruster Rocky Mountain spotted fever Royal flying doctor service Russian Women's Fascist Movement Semi-active laser guidance Seven brides for seven brothers Sherlock Holmes: A game of Shadows Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Trailing suction hopper dredger Vector graphics markup language Viti levu giant pigeon Voting rights in Puerto Rico William Henry, Duke of Gloucester Windows Vista startup process Woodrow Willson "Woody" Guthrie Yaba monkey tumor virus Zack and MIri Make a Porno

[[A figure sits at a desk with a monitor and a laptop on it. The figure is holding a tablet and a smartphone.]] ((The following caption is laid out as a circle)) Stare blankly at screen → open news site → start reading → get bored → absently check smaller device → stare blankly at screen {{Title text: Ugh, today's kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.}}

{{Title text: 58% of the state has gone into plaid.}} I like how long and skinny California is because it means you can use it as a graph axis: California Droughts Based on map data from US drought monitor NOAA Richard Tinker ((Scale: Dry, moderate, severe, extreme, ludicrous (exceptional) going from yellow to orange to red to black)) ((California map data showing drought from Jan 4, 2000 to Aug 14, 2014 with the state squished in between))

{{Title text: SELECT * FROM GHOSTS}} [[Woman stumbles upon tablet, picks it up]] Loaded table: People Enter query [[More people appear, woman is confused]] [[Woman types in query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AGE > 30 [[People 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a second query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE ANUAL_INCOME > 100000 [[Person 4 is highlighted]] [[Woman types in a third query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AFRAID_OF_FLYING = TRUE [[People 2, 7, 9 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a fourth query query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE HOURS_SINCE_WATCHING_PORN < 12 [[People 5, 7 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman looking at tablet]] Woman: Neat. Woman: ... [[Woman types in a final query]] DROP TABLE PEOPLE [[People vanish from scene, dropping what they were holding]]

[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman seated at a desk with a laptop.]] Black hat guy: All the birds from "March of the Penguins" are now dead. [[We just see the woman at her laptop; black hat guy is off-panel.]] Woman: OK, I *get* it. We're all aging. Black hat guy: What? No. [[The woman has turned around in her seat to look at black hat guy.]] Black hat guy: I'm not trying to make you feel old. They were alive last night. I'm trying to apologize. Woman: Oh God {{Title text: You ARE getting older, though.}}

{{Title text: 'Finding a 105-year-old who's lived in each location and asking them which hurricane they think was the worst' is left as an exercise for the reader.}} What's the worst hurricane anyone in your town remembers? Estimated from Hurdat database and NCEP rainfall totals 1914-2014 [[Map showing the eastern coastline from Texas through Maine, showing which hurricanes were the worst in any given area.]]

{{Title text: Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.}} [[Universal converter box with cables leading to various real, fictional, and nonsensical connectors]] VGA DVI HDMI Thunderbolt Firewire Component RCA 1 8" audio 1 8" video Parallel port S-Video Airline pneumatic tube audio PS 2 3 4 120V AC ((Removable pointing to grounding pin)) Floppy IDE 2.5" SCSI ((Arrows pointing to break points in connector)) USB USB (weird other end) Mini-USB Micro USB Macro USB F Connector Fiber RJ11 Ethernet Token ring Magsafe Magsafe 2 Magsafe 3 Magsafe 4 Bluetooth dongle SCART String (fits most cans) ((Standard US fueling nozzle with selector for 87, 91, 93 octane and Diesel))

[[Person A approaches Person B with a rock in his hand.]] A: Check it out - I got a piece of a meteor! B: Actually , it's only called that while falling. Once it lands, it's called magma . My Hobby: mixing pedantic terms {{Title text: No, only LAVA is called 'magma' while underground. Any other object underground is called 'lava'.}}

[[Two figures are walking along, chatting.]] Figure: Hear about that "impossible" microwave thruster? [[The figures stop walking and look at each other.]] Woman: Yeah. Let me get this straight - they pumped 20 kilowatts into a box under ambient conditions... and it only twitched a *little*? Figure: Yeah. [[The figures continue walking. We see them in silhouette.]] Woman: *That's* surprising. If you umped 20 kilowatts into *me*, I'd twitch a *lot*. Figure: But you're not pushing on the quantum vacuum. Woman: I *might* be. I do a lot of things. Figure: I guess we can't be sure. {{Title text: I don't understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.}}

[[A woman runs towards a desk with two microphones on it, waving a broadsword high in the air. Two figures sitting behind the desk are taken aback, while a woman standing off to the side holds an arm in front of her face protectively. A slide is projected on a screen behind the sword-reading woman, reading "The evolution of threat defence in mammals".]] Sword-wielding woman: In conclusion, AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! The best thesis defence is a good thesis offence. {{Title text: MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART}}

NUMBER OF HARPOONS IN SPACE by year [[A line graph with the x-axis numbered from 1950-2020 in ten year increments an the y-axis numbered 0-3. A red line rests at 0 until 1970 at which pints it spikes to 1, which is labeled 'Apollo 12 rum incident'. It return to 0 and shoots up to 2 at 2004. This is marked 'Rosetta Comet Mission launched carrying lander with harpoon tethers'. The line plateaus at 2 into the future.]] {{Title text: To motivate it to fire its harpoons hard enough, Rosetta's Philae lander has been programmed to believe it is trying to kill the comet.}}

[[Black hat guy is walking.]] Black hat guy: New headcannon: [[A figure sits behind a desk with a computer on it.]] Figure: Yeah? [[Black hat guy has raised his hat, revealing a cannon that shoots the seated figure. The desk explodes and the figure is engulfed in smoke.]] <<BOOM>> Figure: Augh! {{Title text: The nice thing about headcannnons is that it's really easy to get other people to believe in them.}}

[[A stick person stands in front of a board with a bulleted list, using a pointer to indicate. The board reads:]] D.B. Cooper ("Dan Cooper") Hijacked a plane in the 1970s. On landing, demanded money and parachutes. Jumped from plane mid-flight and was never found. -Vanished mysteriously with large amount of money -Real age name unknown -Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style ("negotiable American currency") -Fate unknown [[Again the stick person gestures towards a board behind him which reads:] Tommy Wiseau ("Johnny") Wrote, directed, and starred in The Room , a film widely hailed as "The Citizen Kane of bad movies". -Appeared mysteriously with large amount of money -Colleague says he's much older than he claims. -Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style ("You are tearing me apart, Lisa!") -Background unknown [[An FBI sketch of Cooper appears side-by-side with a flickr photo by Al Pavangkana of Wiseau. The person is standing at the board, responding to someone in the audience, who is out of panel.]] Audience member: This is the dumbest theory I've ever heard. Stick figure: But it explains everything!! {{Title text: 'Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?' 'People are very strange these days.'}}

[[A stick figure is looking at a whiteboard covered in diagrams.]] SF: For two decades, I've studied phase space, nonlinear equations, and strange attractors. [[The figure stand in silence, looking at the board.]] [[They continue to look at the board.]] SF: And there is nothing in here about dinosaurs escaping. {{Title text: Although the oral exam for the doctorate was just 'can you do that weird laugh?'}}

Snake Facts: Snake venom evolved from saliva, which means that it all started with a snake whose mouth was sliiightly more gross than usual. [[A snake slithers into frame.]] Snake: Hi guys! Out-of-panel: Eww, it's Frank. The world's longest snake is found in Brazil, Peru, and Chile. It is believed to be over 60 years old. [[A range map showing South America with a silhouette of a giant snake marking the range.]] [[A snake skeleton.]] If you lad all the bones in a snake end-to-end, you would have a snake. {{Title text: Biologically speaking, what we call a 'snake' is actually a human digestive tract which has escaped from its host.}}

[[Darth Vader is speaking to Luke Skywalker while holding what appears to be an unactivated light saber.]] Darth Vader: I See You Have Constructed A New Light Saber. Luke: ...yes. That is definitely what I did. Vader finds Luke's fleshlight. {{Title text: Don't turn it on.}}

Who are today's 10 HOTTEST ACTORS? [[A hairless person with a clipboard stands behind a shaggy-haired person holding a device which is emitting some sort of beam toward something out of panel.]] Shaggy-hair: 81.5, but I think it got part of his shirt. -- HEY JUSTIN - HOLD STILL! We grab an infrared thermometer and find out! {{Title text: Once again topping the list of tonight's hottest rising stars in Hollywood is ξ Persei!}}

[[A stick figure is sitting on a chair typing on a laptop whose cord is lying on the floor, unplugged. White Beret man approaches.]] <<type type>> [[White Beret picks up the cord and examines it. The person in the chair continues typing.]] <<type type>> [[White Beret puts the cord into his mouth and blows, causing the laptop to inflate, which surprises the person typing.]] <<PBBBBT>> <<FOOMP>> [[White Beret man walks away as the formerly typing person climbs up the chair to reach his now floating-away laptop.]] {{Title text: In this situation, gzip dev inside to deflate, then pipe the compressed air to dev input to clean your keyboard. Avert your eyes when you do.}}

[[A tall man with black hair and a red cape comes to the aid of a stick man trying to reach something on a high shelf.]] Superm*n: I'll get it! I'm 5 inches taller and 7% stronger than the average man! The new Supermoon-inspired Superman reboot. {{Title text: See also: Spider-Man reboot in which he can produce several inches of web, doesn't need as much chalk powder on his hands when he goes rock climbing, and occasionally feels vaguely uneasy about situations.}}

[[A ghost flies over to a couple of people.]] Ghost: ...ooOOOOOOOOooo... Tiiiime is passiiiing! Person 1: Ugh. Timeghost. Person 2: Huh? Person 1: Here come the factoids. [[The ghost flies around in little circles as it speaks. Person 1 turns away.]] TG: Forrest Gump came out closer to the Vietnam War than to the present daaay. P1: Go away! TG: The average new grandparents are younger than Keanu Reeeeves! P2: That can't be right... [[The ghost is out of panel. Person 1 is plugging their ears.]] TG: Today's new parents were ten when Eminem got big - DaAaaAaad MuuUuUuSic - They remember Simpsons Season 5 or 6 at the earliest. P1: Argh! P2: How long has it been doing this? [[The ghost floats above them. They look up.]] TG: The staaaaart of my haunting is now further away than your deaaaths! P1: Will you sto--WHAT!? {{Title text: 'Hello, Ghostbusters?' 'ooOOoooo people born years after that movie came out are having a second chiiiild right now ooOoooOoo'}}

{{Title text: When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special 'Vera Menchik Club' would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.}} Dominant Players over time [[Graph of Basketball (NBA ABA) Player Efficiency Rating from 1950 to 2014]] [[Chess Elo Rating from 1950 to 2014]] Modern Elo rating system dates back to about 1970. Computer analysis (like Kenneth Regan's) lets us rate historical players,but this has only been done rigorously for a few tournaments. Dashed lines are rough estimates only. [[Chess Elo rating for women from 1950 to 2014]] For a long time, sexism, a lack of role models, and institutional hostility largely kept women from pursuing serious chess careers. With the expansion of women's tournaments and prizes starting in the 1970s, this has begun to change.

[[A news anchor with a ponytail sits at a news desk while a correspondent is inset in a black box on the screen next to her.]] Anchor: ...getting reports that the darkness has spread as far west as Texas. Let's go live to our reporter in Houston. Correspondent: It's been thirty minutes since the sun vanished... "Genie, for my last wish, make everyone in the media forget about the day-night cycle." {{Title text: This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn't my first.}}

[[A person with dark hair speaks to two people, one with a light-colored ponytail and the other without any hair.]] Dark hair: Facebook shoudn't choose what stuff they show us to conduct unethical psychological research. - They should only make those decisions based on, uh... - however they were doing it before. - Which was probably ethical, right? {{Title text: I mean, it's not like we could just demand to see the code that's governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook's private affairs like that?}}

{{Title text: This isn't an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we'll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we'll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.}} Space Without the space The solar system's solid surfaces stitched together (excluding dust and small rocks) ((Map showing each solid planet and planetoid surface area to scale)) IO Callisto Europa Ganymede Vesta Ceres Asteroids (1km+) Tethys Dione Iapetus Enceladus All human skin Rhea Titan Asteroids (100m+) Oberon Miranda Ariel Titania Umbriel Mercury The moon Various small moons, comets, etc Mars Makemake Haumea Eris Charon Pluto Venus

[[White Beret approaches Stick Man, who is at his computer desk.]] WB: Sweet! I finally got my subduction license! SM: Your what? [[White Beret leans forward on one foot and balls up his fists with effort.]] SM: ...what are you doing? [[White Beret leans further forward, getting closer to the desk. His feet are now buried and tiny mountains are forming on the floor and under the desk. Stick man tries to keep his computer from toppling over.]] SM: STOP IT! STOP IT! [[White Beret is buried up to his waist now, and the little mountains are a full-on miniature mountain range, knocking over the desk and Stick Man with it.]] SM: AUGH! {{Title text: 'Dude, why can't you just be a normal roommate?' 'Because I'm coming TOWARD you!'}}

TODAYS NEWS [[Little thumbnails accompany each headline.]] North Korea Threatens U.S. Over Upcoming Movie Shark Populations Booming Off East Coast SpaceX to Attempt New Rocket Launch Today [[A down arrow leads from the above headlines to this panel. A person walks away toward the edge of the panel, coat over arm. A TV in the background shows a talking head reading the news.]] Person: Bye! See you tonight! Out of Panel: Have a good day! TV: Researchers are reporting record numbers of sharks... To make news stories seem way more ominous, imagine you're hearing them from a background TV in a movie as the main character leaves. {{Title text: '... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC's 'The View' today. ABC will likely announce new ...'}}

[[White Hat Man talks to Stick Figure Guy.]] WH: Well, you know, people are stupid. SF: *sigh* [[The continue to face each other and converse.]] SF: No, people aren't stupid. On average, people are of average intelligence. When you say "people are stupid," you mean stupid compared to your expectations. [[A close-up on Stick Figure.]] SF: What you're really saying is "other people aren't as smart as me . - And maybe you're right! In which case I'd like to bestow upon you the First Annual AWARD for EXCELLENCE in BEING VERY SMART. [[Stick Figure presents White Hat with a trophy as confetti rains down.]] May you continue to grace our internet with your wisdom. {{Title text: To everyone who responds to everything by saying they've 'lost their faith in humanity': Thanks--I'll let humanity know. I'm sure they'll be crushed.}}

[[Dark Hair person and White Beret person stand at the edge of a body of water. White Beret person throws a stone into the water.]] WB: Every day I make a little leaf boat, then I throw rocks until it sinks or floats away. [[The stone lands in the water.]] <<plonk>> It's pointless, but at least it's relaxing. [[Dark Hair picks up a stone and examines it.]] DH: Every day, I read the comments on a news article. [[They both throw stones into the water.]] {{Title text: ::PLOOOOSH:: Looks like you won't be making it to Vinland today, Leaf Erikson.}}

[[Stick Man looks into a telescope. Dark Hair stands beside them and looks in the opposite direction.]] SM: The distant planet Krypton is becoming unstable! Out of Panel: WAAAAAA DH: That crying baby is really annoying. [[They look at each other.]] [[A small rocket launches.]] [[The rocket is headed toward Krypton. Kal-El's star-shaped ship is seen heading in the opposite direction.]] [[Krypton explodes.]] {{Title text: Their Sun and gravity will make you, uh, something, I guess. Out of earshot from Earth, mostly.}}

[[Two characters are in bed.]] Linguist: Can you repeat "Story water paper doorway" at the start, then switch to "Disarm Adele's giraffe grenade" as we get going, and finally "Strawberry scorpion poetry" as I finish? Linguist with a foot fetish {{Title text: 'And then whisper 'anapest' in my ear as you hold me?'}}

Rocket packs are easy. [[Someone is lying on the ground wearing a rocket pack, with heat waves coming from their lower legs and feet.]] Someone: Ow. The hard part is inventing the calf shields. {{Title text: Every year: 'It's <year>--I want my jetpack [and also my free medical care covering all my jetpack-related injuries]!'}}

[[The panel shows a mostly-illegible page of a book. In the margin is a note. Unusually for xkcd, this note is written in lower-case.]] I have discovered a truly marvelous proof that information is infinitely compressible, but this margin is too small to... ...oh never mind :( {{Title text: PROTIP: You can get around the Shannon-Hartley limit by setting your font size to 0.}}

Brian Eno: Hi. I'm music's Brian Eno, co-founder of the Long Now Foundation. [[Brian Eno is on a stage.]] Brian Eno: As part of our mission to promote long-term thinking, we've asked experts to help us assemble a collection of books from which civilization can be rebuilt if it ever collapses. [[Brian Eno holds up a list.]] Brian Eno: Today, we're sharing the results--the first ever Manual for Civilization . [[Brian Eno begins to read, until he is interrupted by a voice from off-panel.]] Brian Eno: *Ahem* Animorphs #1: The Invasion Brian Eno: Animorphs #2: The Visitor Brian Eno: Animorphs #3: The Encounter Voice: ... Are they all Animorphs books? Brian Eno: No! There's also Megamorphs and The Andalite Chronicles. {{Title text: We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it's the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!}}

Without prompt, aggressive limits on CO2 emissions, the Earth will likely warm by an average of 4°-5°C by the century's end. How big a change is that? [[The panel shows a temperature scale.]] In the coldest part of the last ice age, Earth's average temperature was 4.5°C below the 20th century norm. Let's call a 4.5°C difference one "Ice Age unit." ((These are along the time line, spaced out for clarity.)) -2 IAU <-- snowball Earth (-4 IAU) -1 IAU 20,000 years ago ((There's an inset panel, showing a picture of a glacier.)) My neighborhood: Half a mile of ice 0 Average during modern times ((Another inset panel.)) [[A character is in the foreground of a green field with a skyline in the distance.]] My neighborhood: Character: Hi! 0.20 Where we are today +1 IAU Where we'll be in 86 years ((Another inset panel.)) My neighborhood: ? +2 IAU Cretaceous hothouse +200m sea level rise No glaciers Palm trees at the poles {{Title text: The good news is that according to the latest IPCC report, if we enact aggressive emissions limits now, we could hold the warming to 2°C. That's only HALF an ice age unit, which is probably no big deal.}}

[[A character is standing near a wind turbine.]] Character: I'll hold up a big kite, and you blow air at me until I lift off! Character: What do you think of that idea? Turbine: I'm not a huge fan. {{Title text: Ok, plan B: Fly a kite into the blades, with a rock in a sling dangling below it, and create the world's largest trebuchet.}}