ABCD

{{Title text: More actual results: 'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]', 'Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]', and 'They may take our lives, but they'll never take our [money].'}} Movie Quotes [[Drawing of iOS 8 keyboard with "elementary, my dear" on the input line and "friend," "lord," and "friends" on the suggestion line]] According to iOS 8 keyboard prediction [[Tony Montana from Scarface holding a gun]] Say hello to my little ((gray text)) sister and my mom and my dad and my friends [[Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz]] Toto, I've a feeling we're not ((gray text)) going to the gym today [[James Bond and a woman]] Bond. James Bond ((gray text)) yields [[Wash from Firefly Serenity]] I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch ((gray text)) me play the piano [[Mikey from The Goonies]] Goonies never say ((gray text)) anything [[Gimli from The Lord of The Rings]] ((off scene)) You have my sword. ((off scene)) And my bow. And my ((gray text)) dad

[[A figure sits at a couch. Black hat guy walks up from behind, holding some paper.]] Black hat guy: I discovered this weird trick for reducing your mortgage payments! Figure: What? Black hat guy: Sodium borohydride. Figure: ... I hate you. {{Title text: I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn't light.}}

[[A figure stands behind a woman sitting at a desk with a computer on it.]] Figure: When a user takes a photo, the app should check whether they're in a national park... Woman programmer: Sure, easy GIS lookup. Gimme a few hours. Figure: ... and check whether the photo is of a bird. Woman programmer: I'll need a research team and five years. In CS, it can be hard to explain the difference between the easy and the virtually impossible. {{Title text: In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they'd have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we're still working on it.}}

[[Two fencers stand facing each other. The left one has his sword up; the right one keeps his lowered.]] Left fencer: En garde! Right fencer: OK. Right fencer: No matter how long we know each other, when you ask "What are you thinking," I will always pause before answering. Left fencer: Maybe a little less guarded? Right fencer: No way. I've been hurt before. {{Title text: 'Touch!' 'Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.'}}

[[A figure and a woman sit facing each other at a dining table with glasses of wine and a candle on it.]] Figure: So, what do you do in your free time? [[We see the woman in close-up.]] Woman: Mostly I sit around worrying someone will ask me that, and try to think of a good answer. [[We see both at the table again. The woman gets up to go.]] Figure: That's not a bad answer. Woman: It's all I've got. Now that it's done, I should go. Bye! {{Title text: Later, at home: 'Dear diary: Still can't figure out what to write here ...'}}

[[Beret guy walks up to a figure, holding his phone.]] Beret guy: My phone's about to die. [[They stand and look at each other. Beret Guy's phone seems a bit bigger.]] Figure: Where'd you get a big iPhone? I didn't think they were out yet. Beret guy: It's my regular one. It's just dying. [[His phone is now the size of a tablet.]] Beret guy: As it consumes its battery, it heats up and expands. Soon it will swell to enormous size, engulfing us both. [[His phone is now the size of a badger.]] Beret guy: Then it will collapse in a violent explosion! Figure: ... Do you want to borrow my charger? Beret guy: That would only make it run out faster! {{Title text: When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.}}

{{Title text: Maybe I haven't been to Iceland because I'm busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.}} [[Man sitting at a computer reading code]] # Dear future self, # You're looking at this file because the parse function finally broke. # It's not fixable. You have to rewrite it. Sincerely, past self Man: Dear past self, it's kinda creepy how you do that. # Also, it's probably at least 2013. Did you ever take that trip to Iceland? Man: Stop judging me!

[[A timeline runs across the top with notches at 1990, 2000, 2010, 2020, and 2030. Below it, a shaded box that reads 'Regular Watches' runs from the far left to about 2003. Another shaded box, from about 2015 to the far right, reads 'Smart Watches'. An arrow points to the blank space between them.]] Brief, glorious period in which our wrists were free {{Title text: Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they've switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don't appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word 'thinkpiece' sounds like a word made up by someone who didn't know about the word 'brain'.}}

[[Shaggy-haired person walking across panel. A voice is heard out of panel.]] SHP: Why is there a teapot in the bathroom? OOP: Sorry. When I'm on the phone I always zone out and pick stuff up and carry it around. [[SHP at the open fridge door, holding a hammer.]] SHP: There's a hammer in the fridge. OOP: Another phone call. I was just fidgeting. [[SHP walks by four stacks of objects. They consist of books, baseballs, blenders, and other unidentified rectangular objects.]] SHP: Did you put all our stuff in weird stacks? OOP: Long call. Sorry. [[SHP goes out to the backyard, looks up at towering monolith.]] SHP: ...why is there a giant obelisk in the backyard? OOP: Phone again. My bad. SHP: It's carved with prayers to "Ba'al, the Soul-Eater." OOP: Haha! I'm so absentminded. {{Title text: 'No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba'al guy has to say.'}}

New Favorite Browser Text Replacement: FORCE -> HORSE [[Person sitting at desk, looking at computer screen. A series of headlines on the computer read:]] Ukranian Towns Threatened by Pro-Russian Horses Governor Appoints Task Horse Iraqi Air Horse Growing Quarks, which are bound together by the strong nuclear horse... {{Title text: Officer suspended from horse.}}

[[Two people are having a conversation.]] Person 1: Can you name all the dwarfs from Snow White? Person 2: Sure, there's, um... ((A wide thought bubble comes from Person 2, with 7 dwarfs, each labeled:)) Sneezy, Phylum, Europe, Sloth, Guacamole, Data Link, Colossus of Rhodes {{Title text: The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellsley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.}}

[[A large picture of a person kneeling on the ground, stacking turtles.]] ((In this strip, when you zoom into the panel, each pixel becomes its own panel. Each of those panels can be scrolled into, for the same effect. The story progresses as you scroll deeper.)) [[The Earth as seen from space with the words BOOK LAUNCH.]] [[A stick-Randall holding a copy of 'What If?' saying, "So excited about my book launch!"]] [[A copy of the cover of 'What If?' labeled "book."]] [[Stick-Randall is assembling parts from a box labeled 'rocket parts' and preparing to 'launch' his book.]] [[Various stages of assembly.]] [[A second person comes in, looks at SR's rocket set-up and says, "Needs more struts."]] [[SR adds more struts.]] [[The rocket launches.]] [[A big cloud of smoke, which then dissipates.]] [[SR and the other person look skywards at the launched book.]] [[The book is shown leaving Earth's orbit.]] [[The other person turns to SR and says, "I think that was the only one."]] [[The two walk away.]] ((The panels after this are a random assortment of these mostly stand-alone panels.)) [[A momma duck with several ducklings in a row behind her, labeled 'Evolution.']] [[The other person floating around in the sky.]] [[A stick figure with a sploshing bucket of water saying, "I'm gonna shut down the server!"]] [[Two people walking along, one saying, "But if the Time-Turners worked after Book 3, Rowling would have used one to go back and remove the Time Turner from Book 3."]] [[The code: ~$ du -s video 4170882256 ~$ du -s video A lot. ~$]] [[A cloud.]] [[A flock of birds.]] [[MU]] [[A pixel.]] [[A person using a computer on the floor.]] [[HOLISM]] [[Saturn]] [[An atom.]] [[Two people star-gazing on a hill.]] [[Person one says, "Someone once told me the great kings of the past look down on us..." Person two says, "From the stars?" The first person replies, "Just in general."]] [[The start of Mario World 1-1.]] {{Title text: It's turtles all the way down.}}

[[A figure flies through the air from a parachute made from spider silk. There are mountains in the distance.]] Figure: Ooh, that looks like a good spot to land, eat some bugs, and make an egg sac! ♫ Spider-man, spider-man, does whatever a spider can ♪ {{Title text: Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I'm lucky, she'll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!}}

[[White Hat Guy and another guy are walking along. WHG is reading an article.]] WHG: Weird - another study found that kids who use SMS abbreviations actually score higher on grammar and spelling tests. Other guy: Why on earth is that a surprise? [[Other guy expounds while an inset panel shows various kids throwing and catching balls while doing such things as walking the dog and eating lunch.]] OG: Imagine kids start playing catch literally all the time . Everywhere they go, they throw balls back and forth, toss them in the air, and hurl them at trees and signs - nearly every waking hour of their lives. [[WHG starts to walk away.]] OG:Do you think their generation will suck at baseball because they learned sloppy skills? WHG: ...so you think someone will become a great writer while sexting ? [[They both walk together.]] OG: Have you read James Joyce's love letters? The phrases "my little fuckbird" and "arse full of farts" appear. If we want to write Ulysses , our generation may not be sexting enough . WHG: Eww. {{Title text: I'd like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher's 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I've heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I'd bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.}}

{{Title text: Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!}} Obscure words and phrases everyone suddenly becomes familiar with Pre 1995 - World wide web, DNA evidence Post 1995 - Militia movement, supermax Post 2000 - Butterfly ballot, al-qaeda, wi-fi Post 2005 - Tsunami, viral Post 2010 - Radicalize, metadata Post 2015 - Lahar, Insect-borne Post 2020 - Earth-crossing, thermohaline, snow blindness Post 2025 - Amplexus, controlled hydroplaning Post 2030 - Paradoxical reaction, drone desertion, rapid hair growth Post 2035 - I swear allegiance to the God-Empress in life and in death

{{Title text: My upcoming alubm, 'Linked List', has covers of 'The Purple People Eater', the Ninja Turtles theme, 'Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini', and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.}} Wikpedia article titles with the right syllable stress pattern to be sung to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. ((The following are in the TMNT logo style)) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Asian Human Rights Commission San Diego City Council Single Payer Health Insurance Spotted Giant Flying Squirrel Woman Science Fiction Authors ((The following are normally written)) Biggest Loser: Second Chances Cayman Island blue iguana Central Texas pocket gopher Church of Jesus Christ Creator Climat change and meat production Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Daylight saving time in China Denver airport people mover Easter Island spiny lobster Edgar Allan Poe Museum Engine failure after take-off English as a second language Former Arctic Monkeys members Fowler's Modern English Usage Georgia game and fish department Golden-mantled howler monkey Greater Cleveland film commission Hairy flower chafer beetle Harland David "Colonel" Sanders Human Tissue Resource Network Klondike class destroyer tender Legal code of North Dakota Lesser knapweed flower weevil Lockheed Martin Atlas Rocket Maple syrup urine syndrome Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Nablus mask-like facial syndrome Neo-Geo Pocket Color New Year's Eve with Carson Daily Newton's Second Law of Motion North Korean Workers Party Over Under cable coiling Peter peter pumpkin eater Places named for Adolf Hitler Proton-proton chain reaction Puerto Rican lizard-cuckoo Quantum vacuum plasma thruster Rocky Mountain spotted fever Royal flying doctor service Russian Women's Fascist Movement Semi-active laser guidance Seven brides for seven brothers Sherlock Holmes: A game of Shadows Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Trailing suction hopper dredger Vector graphics markup language Viti levu giant pigeon Voting rights in Puerto Rico William Henry, Duke of Gloucester Windows Vista startup process Woodrow Willson "Woody" Guthrie Yaba monkey tumor virus Zack and MIri Make a Porno

[[A figure sits at a desk with a monitor and a laptop on it. The figure is holding a tablet and a smartphone.]] ((The following caption is laid out as a circle)) Stare blankly at screen → open news site → start reading → get bored → absently check smaller device → stare blankly at screen {{Title text: Ugh, today's kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.}}

{{Title text: 58% of the state has gone into plaid.}} I like how long and skinny California is because it means you can use it as a graph axis: California Droughts Based on map data from US drought monitor NOAA Richard Tinker ((Scale: Dry, moderate, severe, extreme, ludicrous (exceptional) going from yellow to orange to red to black)) ((California map data showing drought from Jan 4, 2000 to Aug 14, 2014 with the state squished in between))

{{Title text: SELECT * FROM GHOSTS}} [[Woman stumbles upon tablet, picks it up]] Loaded table: People Enter query [[More people appear, woman is confused]] [[Woman types in query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AGE > 30 [[People 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a second query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE ANUAL_INCOME > 100000 [[Person 4 is highlighted]] [[Woman types in a third query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AFRAID_OF_FLYING = TRUE [[People 2, 7, 9 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a fourth query query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE HOURS_SINCE_WATCHING_PORN < 12 [[People 5, 7 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman looking at tablet]] Woman: Neat. Woman: ... [[Woman types in a final query]] DROP TABLE PEOPLE [[People vanish from scene, dropping what they were holding]]

[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman seated at a desk with a laptop.]] Black hat guy: All the birds from "March of the Penguins" are now dead. [[We just see the woman at her laptop; black hat guy is off-panel.]] Woman: OK, I *get* it. We're all aging. Black hat guy: What? No. [[The woman has turned around in her seat to look at black hat guy.]] Black hat guy: I'm not trying to make you feel old. They were alive last night. I'm trying to apologize. Woman: Oh God {{Title text: You ARE getting older, though.}}

{{Title text: 'Finding a 105-year-old who's lived in each location and asking them which hurricane they think was the worst' is left as an exercise for the reader.}} What's the worst hurricane anyone in your town remembers? Estimated from Hurdat database and NCEP rainfall totals 1914-2014 [[Map showing the eastern coastline from Texas through Maine, showing which hurricanes were the worst in any given area.]]

{{Title text: Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.}} [[Universal converter box with cables leading to various real, fictional, and nonsensical connectors]] VGA DVI HDMI Thunderbolt Firewire Component RCA 1 8" audio 1 8" video Parallel port S-Video Airline pneumatic tube audio PS 2 3 4 120V AC ((Removable pointing to grounding pin)) Floppy IDE 2.5" SCSI ((Arrows pointing to break points in connector)) USB USB (weird other end) Mini-USB Micro USB Macro USB F Connector Fiber RJ11 Ethernet Token ring Magsafe Magsafe 2 Magsafe 3 Magsafe 4 Bluetooth dongle SCART String (fits most cans) ((Standard US fueling nozzle with selector for 87, 91, 93 octane and Diesel))

[[Person A approaches Person B with a rock in his hand.]] A: Check it out - I got a piece of a meteor! B: Actually , it's only called that while falling. Once it lands, it's called magma . My Hobby: mixing pedantic terms {{Title text: No, only LAVA is called 'magma' while underground. Any other object underground is called 'lava'.}}

[[Two figures are walking along, chatting.]] Figure: Hear about that "impossible" microwave thruster? [[The figures stop walking and look at each other.]] Woman: Yeah. Let me get this straight - they pumped 20 kilowatts into a box under ambient conditions... and it only twitched a *little*? Figure: Yeah. [[The figures continue walking. We see them in silhouette.]] Woman: *That's* surprising. If you umped 20 kilowatts into *me*, I'd twitch a *lot*. Figure: But you're not pushing on the quantum vacuum. Woman: I *might* be. I do a lot of things. Figure: I guess we can't be sure. {{Title text: I don't understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.}}

[[A woman runs towards a desk with two microphones on it, waving a broadsword high in the air. Two figures sitting behind the desk are taken aback, while a woman standing off to the side holds an arm in front of her face protectively. A slide is projected on a screen behind the sword-reading woman, reading "The evolution of threat defence in mammals".]] Sword-wielding woman: In conclusion, AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! The best thesis defence is a good thesis offence. {{Title text: MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART}}

NUMBER OF HARPOONS IN SPACE by year [[A line graph with the x-axis numbered from 1950-2020 in ten year increments an the y-axis numbered 0-3. A red line rests at 0 until 1970 at which pints it spikes to 1, which is labeled 'Apollo 12 rum incident'. It return to 0 and shoots up to 2 at 2004. This is marked 'Rosetta Comet Mission launched carrying lander with harpoon tethers'. The line plateaus at 2 into the future.]] {{Title text: To motivate it to fire its harpoons hard enough, Rosetta's Philae lander has been programmed to believe it is trying to kill the comet.}}

[[Black hat guy is walking.]] Black hat guy: New headcannon: [[A figure sits behind a desk with a computer on it.]] Figure: Yeah? [[Black hat guy has raised his hat, revealing a cannon that shoots the seated figure. The desk explodes and the figure is engulfed in smoke.]] <<BOOM>> Figure: Augh! {{Title text: The nice thing about headcannnons is that it's really easy to get other people to believe in them.}}

[[A stick person stands in front of a board with a bulleted list, using a pointer to indicate. The board reads:]] D.B. Cooper ("Dan Cooper") Hijacked a plane in the 1970s. On landing, demanded money and parachutes. Jumped from plane mid-flight and was never found. -Vanished mysteriously with large amount of money -Real age name unknown -Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style ("negotiable American currency") -Fate unknown [[Again the stick person gestures towards a board behind him which reads:] Tommy Wiseau ("Johnny") Wrote, directed, and starred in The Room , a film widely hailed as "The Citizen Kane of bad movies". -Appeared mysteriously with large amount of money -Colleague says he's much older than he claims. -Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style ("You are tearing me apart, Lisa!") -Background unknown [[An FBI sketch of Cooper appears side-by-side with a flickr photo by Al Pavangkana of Wiseau. The person is standing at the board, responding to someone in the audience, who is out of panel.]] Audience member: This is the dumbest theory I've ever heard. Stick figure: But it explains everything!! {{Title text: 'Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?' 'People are very strange these days.'}}

[[A stick figure is looking at a whiteboard covered in diagrams.]] SF: For two decades, I've studied phase space, nonlinear equations, and strange attractors. [[The figure stand in silence, looking at the board.]] [[They continue to look at the board.]] SF: And there is nothing in here about dinosaurs escaping. {{Title text: Although the oral exam for the doctorate was just 'can you do that weird laugh?'}}

Snake Facts: Snake venom evolved from saliva, which means that it all started with a snake whose mouth was sliiightly more gross than usual. [[A snake slithers into frame.]] Snake: Hi guys! Out-of-panel: Eww, it's Frank. The world's longest snake is found in Brazil, Peru, and Chile. It is believed to be over 60 years old. [[A range map showing South America with a silhouette of a giant snake marking the range.]] [[A snake skeleton.]] If you lad all the bones in a snake end-to-end, you would have a snake. {{Title text: Biologically speaking, what we call a 'snake' is actually a human digestive tract which has escaped from its host.}}

[[Darth Vader is speaking to Luke Skywalker while holding what appears to be an unactivated light saber.]] Darth Vader: I See You Have Constructed A New Light Saber. Luke: ...yes. That is definitely what I did. Vader finds Luke's fleshlight. {{Title text: Don't turn it on.}}

Who are today's 10 HOTTEST ACTORS? [[A hairless person with a clipboard stands behind a shaggy-haired person holding a device which is emitting some sort of beam toward something out of panel.]] Shaggy-hair: 81.5, but I think it got part of his shirt. -- HEY JUSTIN - HOLD STILL! We grab an infrared thermometer and find out! {{Title text: Once again topping the list of tonight's hottest rising stars in Hollywood is ξ Persei!}}

[[A stick figure is sitting on a chair typing on a laptop whose cord is lying on the floor, unplugged. White Beret man approaches.]] <<type type>> [[White Beret picks up the cord and examines it. The person in the chair continues typing.]] <<type type>> [[White Beret puts the cord into his mouth and blows, causing the laptop to inflate, which surprises the person typing.]] <<PBBBBT>> <<FOOMP>> [[White Beret man walks away as the formerly typing person climbs up the chair to reach his now floating-away laptop.]] {{Title text: In this situation, gzip dev inside to deflate, then pipe the compressed air to dev input to clean your keyboard. Avert your eyes when you do.}}

[[A tall man with black hair and a red cape comes to the aid of a stick man trying to reach something on a high shelf.]] Superm*n: I'll get it! I'm 5 inches taller and 7% stronger than the average man! The new Supermoon-inspired Superman reboot. {{Title text: See also: Spider-Man reboot in which he can produce several inches of web, doesn't need as much chalk powder on his hands when he goes rock climbing, and occasionally feels vaguely uneasy about situations.}}

[[A ghost flies over to a couple of people.]] Ghost: ...ooOOOOOOOOooo... Tiiiime is passiiiing! Person 1: Ugh. Timeghost. Person 2: Huh? Person 1: Here come the factoids. [[The ghost flies around in little circles as it speaks. Person 1 turns away.]] TG: Forrest Gump came out closer to the Vietnam War than to the present daaay. P1: Go away! TG: The average new grandparents are younger than Keanu Reeeeves! P2: That can't be right... [[The ghost is out of panel. Person 1 is plugging their ears.]] TG: Today's new parents were ten when Eminem got big - DaAaaAaad MuuUuUuSic - They remember Simpsons Season 5 or 6 at the earliest. P1: Argh! P2: How long has it been doing this? [[The ghost floats above them. They look up.]] TG: The staaaaart of my haunting is now further away than your deaaaths! P1: Will you sto--WHAT!? {{Title text: 'Hello, Ghostbusters?' 'ooOOoooo people born years after that movie came out are having a second chiiiild right now ooOoooOoo'}}

{{Title text: When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special 'Vera Menchik Club' would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.}} Dominant Players over time [[Graph of Basketball (NBA ABA) Player Efficiency Rating from 1950 to 2014]] [[Chess Elo Rating from 1950 to 2014]] Modern Elo rating system dates back to about 1970. Computer analysis (like Kenneth Regan's) lets us rate historical players,but this has only been done rigorously for a few tournaments. Dashed lines are rough estimates only. [[Chess Elo rating for women from 1950 to 2014]] For a long time, sexism, a lack of role models, and institutional hostility largely kept women from pursuing serious chess careers. With the expansion of women's tournaments and prizes starting in the 1970s, this has begun to change.

[[A news anchor with a ponytail sits at a news desk while a correspondent is inset in a black box on the screen next to her.]] Anchor: ...getting reports that the darkness has spread as far west as Texas. Let's go live to our reporter in Houston. Correspondent: It's been thirty minutes since the sun vanished... "Genie, for my last wish, make everyone in the media forget about the day-night cycle." {{Title text: This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn't my first.}}

[[A person with dark hair speaks to two people, one with a light-colored ponytail and the other without any hair.]] Dark hair: Facebook shoudn't choose what stuff they show us to conduct unethical psychological research. - They should only make those decisions based on, uh... - however they were doing it before. - Which was probably ethical, right? {{Title text: I mean, it's not like we could just demand to see the code that's governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook's private affairs like that?}}

{{Title text: This isn't an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we'll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we'll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.}} Space Without the space The solar system's solid surfaces stitched together (excluding dust and small rocks) ((Map showing each solid planet and planetoid surface area to scale)) IO Callisto Europa Ganymede Vesta Ceres Asteroids (1km+) Tethys Dione Iapetus Enceladus All human skin Rhea Titan Asteroids (100m+) Oberon Miranda Ariel Titania Umbriel Mercury The moon Various small moons, comets, etc Mars Makemake Haumea Eris Charon Pluto Venus

[[White Beret approaches Stick Man, who is at his computer desk.]] WB: Sweet! I finally got my subduction license! SM: Your what? [[White Beret leans forward on one foot and balls up his fists with effort.]] SM: ...what are you doing? [[White Beret leans further forward, getting closer to the desk. His feet are now buried and tiny mountains are forming on the floor and under the desk. Stick man tries to keep his computer from toppling over.]] SM: STOP IT! STOP IT! [[White Beret is buried up to his waist now, and the little mountains are a full-on miniature mountain range, knocking over the desk and Stick Man with it.]] SM: AUGH! {{Title text: 'Dude, why can't you just be a normal roommate?' 'Because I'm coming TOWARD you!'}}

TODAYS NEWS [[Little thumbnails accompany each headline.]] North Korea Threatens U.S. Over Upcoming Movie Shark Populations Booming Off East Coast SpaceX to Attempt New Rocket Launch Today [[A down arrow leads from the above headlines to this panel. A person walks away toward the edge of the panel, coat over arm. A TV in the background shows a talking head reading the news.]] Person: Bye! See you tonight! Out of Panel: Have a good day! TV: Researchers are reporting record numbers of sharks... To make news stories seem way more ominous, imagine you're hearing them from a background TV in a movie as the main character leaves. {{Title text: '... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC's 'The View' today. ABC will likely announce new ...'}}

[[White Hat Man talks to Stick Figure Guy.]] WH: Well, you know, people are stupid. SF: *sigh* [[The continue to face each other and converse.]] SF: No, people aren't stupid. On average, people are of average intelligence. When you say "people are stupid," you mean stupid compared to your expectations. [[A close-up on Stick Figure.]] SF: What you're really saying is "other people aren't as smart as me . - And maybe you're right! In which case I'd like to bestow upon you the First Annual AWARD for EXCELLENCE in BEING VERY SMART. [[Stick Figure presents White Hat with a trophy as confetti rains down.]] May you continue to grace our internet with your wisdom. {{Title text: To everyone who responds to everything by saying they've 'lost their faith in humanity': Thanks--I'll let humanity know. I'm sure they'll be crushed.}}

[[Dark Hair person and White Beret person stand at the edge of a body of water. White Beret person throws a stone into the water.]] WB: Every day I make a little leaf boat, then I throw rocks until it sinks or floats away. [[The stone lands in the water.]] <<plonk>> It's pointless, but at least it's relaxing. [[Dark Hair picks up a stone and examines it.]] DH: Every day, I read the comments on a news article. [[They both throw stones into the water.]] {{Title text: ::PLOOOOSH:: Looks like you won't be making it to Vinland today, Leaf Erikson.}}

[[Stick Man looks into a telescope. Dark Hair stands beside them and looks in the opposite direction.]] SM: The distant planet Krypton is becoming unstable! Out of Panel: WAAAAAA DH: That crying baby is really annoying. [[They look at each other.]] [[A small rocket launches.]] [[The rocket is headed toward Krypton. Kal-El's star-shaped ship is seen heading in the opposite direction.]] [[Krypton explodes.]] {{Title text: Their Sun and gravity will make you, uh, something, I guess. Out of earshot from Earth, mostly.}}

[[Two characters are in bed.]] Linguist: Can you repeat "Story water paper doorway" at the start, then switch to "Disarm Adele's giraffe grenade" as we get going, and finally "Strawberry scorpion poetry" as I finish? Linguist with a foot fetish {{Title text: 'And then whisper 'anapest' in my ear as you hold me?'}}

Rocket packs are easy. [[Someone is lying on the ground wearing a rocket pack, with heat waves coming from their lower legs and feet.]] Someone: Ow. The hard part is inventing the calf shields. {{Title text: Every year: 'It's <year>--I want my jetpack [and also my free medical care covering all my jetpack-related injuries]!'}}

[[The panel shows a mostly-illegible page of a book. In the margin is a note. Unusually for xkcd, this note is written in lower-case.]] I have discovered a truly marvelous proof that information is infinitely compressible, but this margin is too small to... ...oh never mind :( {{Title text: PROTIP: You can get around the Shannon-Hartley limit by setting your font size to 0.}}

Brian Eno: Hi. I'm music's Brian Eno, co-founder of the Long Now Foundation. [[Brian Eno is on a stage.]] Brian Eno: As part of our mission to promote long-term thinking, we've asked experts to help us assemble a collection of books from which civilization can be rebuilt if it ever collapses. [[Brian Eno holds up a list.]] Brian Eno: Today, we're sharing the results--the first ever Manual for Civilization . [[Brian Eno begins to read, until he is interrupted by a voice from off-panel.]] Brian Eno: *Ahem* Animorphs #1: The Invasion Brian Eno: Animorphs #2: The Visitor Brian Eno: Animorphs #3: The Encounter Voice: ... Are they all Animorphs books? Brian Eno: No! There's also Megamorphs and The Andalite Chronicles. {{Title text: We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it's the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!}}

Without prompt, aggressive limits on CO2 emissions, the Earth will likely warm by an average of 4°-5°C by the century's end. How big a change is that? [[The panel shows a temperature scale.]] In the coldest part of the last ice age, Earth's average temperature was 4.5°C below the 20th century norm. Let's call a 4.5°C difference one "Ice Age unit." ((These are along the time line, spaced out for clarity.)) -2 IAU <-- snowball Earth (-4 IAU) -1 IAU 20,000 years ago ((There's an inset panel, showing a picture of a glacier.)) My neighborhood: Half a mile of ice 0 Average during modern times ((Another inset panel.)) [[A character is in the foreground of a green field with a skyline in the distance.]] My neighborhood: Character: Hi! 0.20 Where we are today +1 IAU Where we'll be in 86 years ((Another inset panel.)) My neighborhood: ? +2 IAU Cretaceous hothouse +200m sea level rise No glaciers Palm trees at the poles {{Title text: The good news is that according to the latest IPCC report, if we enact aggressive emissions limits now, we could hold the warming to 2°C. That's only HALF an ice age unit, which is probably no big deal.}}

[[A character is standing near a wind turbine.]] Character: I'll hold up a big kite, and you blow air at me until I lift off! Character: What do you think of that idea? Turbine: I'm not a huge fan. {{Title text: Ok, plan B: Fly a kite into the blades, with a rock in a sling dangling below it, and create the world's largest trebuchet.}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Left: The Fermi Paradox keeps getitng worse. If planets are common, where is everybody? Right: Imagine you're a SCUBA diver looking at the ocean floor. Right: You know there's a fish there, but you can't see it. Why? [[The panel zooms out, ground dark beneath the characters.]] Left: Maybe the fish looks like sand. Right: Yeah ... [[The panel zooms out further, the entire Earth visible against the blackness of space.]] Right: ... And what would that tell you about the ecosystem? [[The Earth is silent.]] [[The Earth exits, stage left.]] [[This panel is completely black.]] [[A shark enters from stage right.]] {{Title text: [Astronomer peers into telescope] [Jaws theme begins playing]}}

[[A character is posed in a series of positions across a landscape. The implication is that the character is progressing forward in time towards the right side of the panel.]] I love these dreams [[The character leaps into the air, the word 'jump' above them.]] Each jump is a little longer [[They leap down a small incline, traveling a fair distance.]] Each push off the ground a little softer [[The character leaps a third time.]] Until I [[The character does not touch the ground again.]] G L I D E [[The character continues to hover over the landscape, above scrub grass, a wind barrier, sand dunes, and a beach. Birds can be seen in the distance as the character drifts out to sea.]] [[The character passes a small fish jumping.]] Character: ...I hope this is a dream. {{Title text: I hope I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...}}

[[A signpost has had a third arrow added at the top, pointing up. The signs read:]] Space 62 Jackson 115 Memphis 98 {{Title text: That night, retired USAF pilots covertly replaced the '62' with '50'.}}

[[A lecturer is standing in front of a student at a desk.]] Lecturer: Imagine that you're drawing at random from an urn containing fifteen balls--six red and nine black. Student: Ok. I reach in and... ...My grandfather's ashes?!? Oh god! Lecturer: I... what? Student: Why would you do this to me?!? {{Title text: Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?}}

When someone posts a screenshot of their phone, [[Image depicts a phone screenshot as part of a post on a website. In the screenshot, the battery indicator is at 6%. The battery indicator portion of the screenshot is circled in bright red circles, and bright red exclamation marks have been added.]] I can't pay attention to the content if their battery is low. {{Title text: I'M PLUGGING IN MY PHONE BUT THE BATTERY ON THE SCREEN ISN'T CHARGING}}

A use for smartwatches: [[Two smartwatches are shown on the left side of the panel, with an arrow pointing to them saying "working"; an iPhone is shown on the right side, with another arrow saying "dead".]] [[A hacksaw cuts the iPhone in half across the shorter axis of the screen.]] [[The electronics and screens from the two smartwatches are removed from the bands and placed onto the iPhone halves.]] [[A hinge is installed between the two iPhone halves.]] [[The hinge is shown closing, folding the iPhone halves together, with the text "World's first flip iPhone".]] {{Title text: This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.}}

[[The panel is white ink on a black background. A character is staring at the ground.]] Character: Based on this decrease in the star's brightness, I believe it is orbited by at least one planet. Exoplanet astronomers at night {{Title text: Recently, some exoplanet astronomers have managed to use careful analysis of reflected light to discover Earth during the day.}}

[[A large person is talking to a small person, who is presumably young.]] Large: I can't imagine anyone who grew up on the Internet being able to run for President. Small: Why? Small: Because it'd mark the handover of a world that no longer needs you to a generation you don't understand? Small: ... or because there would be embarrassing pictures of us as teenagers? Large: Um. Large: The pictures one? Small: Pictures of teens! How will we even survive? {{Title text: Anyone who thinks we're all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.}}

[[Someone is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]] Someone: Ugh, TMI. [[From off panel, a voice speaks.]] Voice: Oh? What? Someone: Just... Someone: Everything. Voice: True. {{Title text: 'TMI' he whispered, gazing into the sea.}}

[[A TV presenter is at a desk in front of a picture of an arch.]] Presenter: ... And he went on to design the Gateway Arch, one of the most recognizable arches in St. Louis. Pet Peeve: Reporters unnecessarily hedging with "One of the" {{Title text: 'The world's greatest [whatever]' is subjective, but 'One of the world's greatest [whatever]s' is clearly objective. Anyway, that's why I got you this 'one of the world's greatest moms' mug!}}

[[One character is talking to another.]] Character: Installing things has gotten so fast and painless. Character: Why not skip it entirely, and make a phone that has every app "installed" already and just downloads and runs them on the fly? I felt pretty clever until I realized I'd invented webpages. {{Title text: But still, my scheme for creating and saving user config files and data locally to preserve them across reinstalls might be useful for--wait, that's cookies.}}

[[The world is shown, with a train on top. There's an arrow indicating the direction the world is rotating.]] Passenger: ... Almost ... A machine that grabs the Earth by metal rails and rotates it until the part you want is near you. {{Title text: Trains rotate the Earth around various axes while elevators shift its position in space.}}

[[Scientists are standing and sitting at a computer.]] Sitting: Imprinted on the sky Sitting: Are the gravity waves that were sloshing across the universe. [[The sitting character holds hands a short distance apart.]] Sitting: When it was this big . Sitting: So really, we're using the entire universe Sitting: As a giant microscope Sitting: Pointed at itself when it was small. [[Sitting turns to the computer.]] Standing: That's neat. Sitting: Yeah. But... Standing: But what? Sitting: Well, look. Standing: Oh. Hmm. Sitting: Yeah. Standing: What... Sitting: I don't know. [[ The final panel is a picture of the early universe, through a Mollweide projection. The lines typical of a basketball can be seen, as well as the word 'Spalding' ]] {{Title text: Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Left: What've you been up to? Right: Doing tons of math for my thesis. Left: Can you explain it like I'm five? Right: "Oh my God, where are your parents?" {{Title text: 'Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!' 'My parents are at their house; you visited last--' 'No, no, explain like you're five.'}}

[[Ad for a phone, with several factoids positioned around a picture of the device]] ((factoids listed here starting clockwise from the top)) -Runs custom blend of Android and iOS -Simulates alternative speed of light (default: 100 miles per hour) and adjusts clock as phone accelerates -Wireless -Accelerometer detects when phone is in freefall and makes it scream -When exposed to light, phone says "hi!" -FlightAware partnership: makes airplane noise when flights pass overhead -Realistic case -Clear screen -Side-facing camera Introducing the XKCD Phone -- Your mobile world just went digital® {{Title text: Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.}}

[[Two people are sitting on a stony hill. One is sitting on the ground, the other is lying back and looking at the sky.]] [[The first person turns to the other and says...] Person 1: When the French navy retired Morse code in 1997, they broadcast a final message: - "Calling all. This is our last cry before our eternal silence." [[They sit in silence for a moment.]] [[The first person puts their hand to their chin.]] Person 1: I wonder if I can find my Livejournal login. Person 2: Hey I like Livejournal. Person 1: It's a nice place to go for some peace and quiet, I suppose. {{Title text: Oh, because Facebook has worked out SO WELL for everyone.}}

[Person stands behind a podium labeled Google.] Person: The rumors are true. Google will be shutting down Plus-- Person: along with Hangouts, Photos, Voice, Docs, Drive, Maps, Gmail, Chrome, Android, and Search-- Person: to focus on our core project: Person: the 8.8.8.8 DNS server. {{Title text: The less popular 8.8.4.4 is slated for discontinuation.}}

[[A cutaway view of a "ground" which is actually made up of layers labeled with various groups of files as one might see on a random person's computer fills the frame, such as "Documents, 47 GB" and "High School Zip Disk, 94 MB". A small crevice leads down through the middle, to a cave-like area where a figure stands looking through the smallest grouping of files. A second figure with long hair stands at ground level, looking down into the crevice.]] Long-haired Figure: You okay down there? Subterranean Figure: Oh my god. I wrote *poetry*. {{Title text: Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.}}

[[A flow chart. First box says, 'Alarm goes off' which leads with a straight arrow to the next box, reading 'BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP'. One curved arrow leads from this box back to itself. Another leads in the opposite direction to a box that says, '"???"'. From that an arrow leads down to 'Answer phone in dream', which leads to 'talk', which leads to 'hang up', which leads back to 'BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP'.]] My problem with phone alarms {{Title text: Who's calling me?? WHY IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLING ME!?}}

[[Two people are in a field. One is kneeling on the grass, looking at a laptop on the ground. Another is facing the other direction, holding a book open to the sky.]] Computer: [Target located] Person #1: Got him. - Left edge, two inches down. The National Reconnaissance Office has an unusual approach to Where's Waldo . {{Title text: 'DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.' 'Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.'}}

[[A person speaking to the reader.]] Person: Public Service Announcehment: The *right to free speech* means the government can't arrest you for what you say. [[Close-up on person's face.]] Person: It doesn't mean that anyone else has to listen to your bullshit, - or host you while you share it. [[Back to full figure.]] Person: The 1st Amendment doesn't shield you from criticism or consequences. [[Close-up.]] Person: If you're yelled at, boycotted, have your show canceled, or get banned from an internet community, your free speech rights aren't being violated. [[Person, holding palm upward.]] Person: It's just that the people listening think you're an asshole, [[A door that is ajar.]] Person: And they're showing you the door. {{Title text: I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.}}

[A line graph labeled 'How Well I Understand Orbital Mechanics:'. The x-axis is labeled 'time -->'. The line starts slightly above 0 at the y-axis and increases very little until a point at which it peaks slightly, labeled 'took high school physics'. It decreases slightly for a while and then increases significantly over a short period of time, the peak of which is labeled 'got physics degree'. It dips shallowly for a while, then starts to increase slightly for a time, labeled 'actual job at NASA'. The line starts to slope downward again, and then shoots up very, very high. The beginning of this increase is labeled 'started playing Kerbal Space Program'.]] {{Title text: To be fair, my job at NASA was working on robots and didn't actually involve any orbital mechanics. The small positive slope over that period is because it turns out that if you hang around at NASA, you get in a lot of conversations about space.}}

[[A little propeller plane toting a banner from behind that reads, 'Adriamycin, one of our most poten chemotherapy drugs, come from the dirt from an Italian castle.']] MY HOBBY: Breaking into airplane hangars and replacing the ads on their giant banners with cool facts. {{Title text: PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.}}

How the Heartbleed Bug Works: [[Meg stands by a server. There's a thought bubble arising from the server showing the data the server is currently processing, including a portion that states "User Meg wants these six letters: POTATO."]] Meg: Server, are you still there? If so, reply "POTATO" (6 letters). [[The 6 letters "POTATO" are highlighted yellow in the server's thought bubble, and the server emits "POTATO".]] [[The phrase "User Meg wants these 4 letters: BIRD." is in the server's thought bubble with other data around it, with "BIRD" highlighted. The server is emitting "BIRD".]] Meg: Hmm... [[The phrase "User meg wants these 500 letters: HAT." is in the server's thought bubble, along with other data around it.]] Meg: Server, are you still there? IF so, reply "HAT" (500 letters). [["HAT" and many more characters after it in the thought bubble are highlighted, and the server emits a long string of text starting with "HAT" but then including much more other unrelated data. Meg is busily writing it down in a notebook.]] {{Title text: Are you still there, server? It's me, Margaret.}}

[[Two people are walking along, one is looking at her phone.]] Person 1: Heartbleed must be the worst web security lapse ever. Person 2: Worst so far. Give us time. [[Still walking, first person is now holding her phone at her side.]] Person 1: I mean, this bg isn't just broken encryption. It lets website visitors make a server dispense random memory contents. [[They stop walking and face each other.]] Person 1: It's not just keys. It's traffic data. Emails. Passwords. Erotic fanfiction. Person 2: Is everything compromised? [[They begin walking again.]] Person 1: Well, the attack is limited to data stored in computer memory. Person 2: So paper is safe. And clay tablets. Person 1: Our imaginations, too. Person 2: See, we'll be fine. {{Title text: I looked at some of the data dumps from vulnerable sites, and it was ... bad. I saw emails, passwords, password hints. SSL keys and session cookies. Important servers brimming with visitor IPs. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, c-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. I should probably patch OpenSSL.}}

[[A child and an adult are walking across a grassy park with puddles strewn across it and trees nearby.]] Child: What was before the Big Bang? Adult: I think time began with the Big Bang. So it doesn't make sense to ask what came before it. From offscreen: Look out! [[A cosmologist on a tire swing comes swinging by the pair.]] Cosmologist: Wheeeee hi I'm a cosmologist on a tire swing! [[The cosmologist swings back the other way.]] Cosmologist: We don't know whether time-- [[Another swing the other direction...]] Cosmologist: --started at the Big Bang. [[Another swing.]] Cosmologist: It might have! [[Another swing.]] Cosmologist: Or maybe not! We don't know! Adult: Oh. Ok! [[Another swing.]] Child: ...your tire swing looks fun! Cosmologist: I can't stop! [[Continues swinging.]] Child: Won't the swing stop on its own? Cosmologist: I thought it would but it seems to be accelerating. Child: Cosmology sounds pretty confusing. Cosmologist: Wheeeee! {{Title text: No matter how fast I swing, I can never travel outside this loop! Maybe space outside it doesn't exist! But I bet it does. This tire came from somewhere.}}

[[A pair of violets, colored red.]] Violets are red [[A blue rose.]] And roses are blue [[Two people stand on a stage. Between them is a table, on which rests the two flowers under a translucent cover. One is at a podium with a microphone.]] Person 1: When metamaterials [[The person at the microphone removes the cover to reveal the flowers are the opposite colors.]] Person 1: Alter their hue. {{Title text: If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people's Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.}}

((This April Fools' Day comic has a dynamic panel structure along the lines of a choose-your-own-adventure format - the viewer is presented with up to 4 options for each bit of dialogue, with each choice opening up a new subtree of potential options for the next bit of dialog, and new panel images are chosen semi-randomly based on a graph of potential panel transitions. Readers were also invited to submit dialog options for trees where there were not yet 4 fixed options, thus growing the potential story space. As such there is no fixed transcript for this comic.)) {{Title text: Every choice, no matter how small, begins a new story.}}

[[A person is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]] Person: What I'm trying to do is really simple. It shouldn't be hard. [[Someone off-screen speaks.]] Off-screen: All computers are just carefully organized sand. Everything is hard until someone makes it easy. [[The person leans back in their chair.]] [[The person lifts the laptop off the desk, examining it like a book.]] Person: Maybe I should turn this one back into sand. Off-screen: I'll find a blowtorch. {{Title text: (six hours later) ARGH. How are these stupid microchips so durable?! All I want is to undo a massive industrial process with household tools!}}

[[An adult and a child are standing around, looking at cellphones.]] Child: Do you remember before the internet? Adult: Oh yeah, totally. [[The two look towards each other, no longer actively looking at their phones.]] Child: What was it like? Adult: Not having a phone or computer to distract you? Child: Yeah. [[Conversation continues.]] Adult: It was SO. BORING. All the time. I just *sat* there. It was the *worst*. [[Adult goes back to looking at phone.]] Child: But wasn't it, like, more fulfilling? Engaging? Adult: Wasn't worth it. Child: I still get bored. Adult: Not like we did. {{Title text: We watched DAYTIME TV. Do you realize how soul-crushing it was? I'd rather eat an iPad than go back to watching daytime TV.}}

[[A physical bell-curve-shaped object labeled "Student's t distribution" is resting on a table. A figure is working with it and a piece of paper.]] Figure: hmm [[The figure looks at the piece of paper.]] Figure: ...nope. [[The figure picks up the object and begins to walk off the panel with it.]] [[The figure comes back onto the panel, now carrying an object shaped like a much more complex curve, with many symmetric spikes and dips, labeled "Teacher's t distribution".]] {{Title text: If data fails the Teacher's t test, you can just force it to take the test again until it passes.}}

[[A figure stands facing a desk, behind which another figure is sitting in a desk chair.]] Standing Figure: It would start with five minutes of peeling lint from dryer traps, followed by an hour of pressing a lightsaber handle against things and switching it on. Then I'd retire to a life of luxury. When people ask me to describe my dream job, I'm never sure how realistic to be. {{Title text: They'd convince me to come out of retirement for one last job: biting into a giant lump of slightly soft wax a couple of times.}}

[[Two figures are walking and talking to each other.]] Figure One: Humans are defined by our curiosity, our hunger for answers. Figure Two: We all spend a third of our lives lying down with our eyes closed and *nobody knows why.* Figure One: ...touché. {{Title text: Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is 'because we get sleepy'.}}

[[A first figure is walking past a second.]] First Figure: The talk is in room 8224. Second Figure: Ooh, nice. First Figure: What? Second Figure: ...sorry. Nothing. Great, now I'll spend the rest of my life noticing numbers that would make good 2048 combos. {{Title text: It's taken me 20 years to get over skyline tetris.}}

[[A horizontal line has four points labeled on it, with the second point from the left marked with a dashed vertical line dividing the horizontal line into two parts. An arrow labeled "Solve problems" points left from the vertical line. An arrow labeled "Create problems" points right from the vertical line. The points are labeled, from left to right, "Tools that don't need a manual", "Tools that need a manual", "Tools that need a manual but don't have one", and "Tools whose manual starts with 'how to read this manual'".]] {{Title text: The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a 'quick guide' to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. 'Don't despair', it says, 'the definitions below are annotated.'}}

((All of the panels of this comic are white-on-black.)) [[Two figures stand facing each other, looking up at the sky.]] Figure One: Just think - the light from that start was emitted thousands of years ago. It could be long gone. [[Figure One looks at Figure Two, who is still looking up.]] Figure Two: That's Sirius. It's eight light-years away. [[Figure One looks up again.]] Figure One: Oh. [[The two figures look at one another.]] Figure One: Just think - the light from that star was emitted in the previous presidential administration. Figure Two: Hmm, doesn't pack quite the punch. {{Title text: 'The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old' is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.}}

WYSIWYG What you see is what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains an italic "Hi", the second labeled "What you get:" contains an italic "Hi".]] WYSINWYG What you see is not what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "<em>Hi< em>", the second labeled "What you get:" contains an italic "Hi".]] WYSITUTWYG What you see is totally unrelated to what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "<em>Hi< em>", the second labeled "What you get:" contains "The HORSE is a noble animal."]] WYSIHYD What you see is how you die [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "EATEN BY WOLVES" as white text on a black background, the second labeled "What you get:" without a border is says "eaten by wolves".]] {{Title text: m-x machineofdeath-mode}}

[[One figure is excitedly speaking to two others.]] Excited Figure: Whoa, it's 2014-03-10! Under our system, that date will *never happen again!!* My hobby: pointing this out every day. {{Title text: If our current civilization lasts another 8,000 years, it's probably fair to assume the Long Now Foundation got things right, and at some point we started listening to them and switched to five-digit years.}}

[[Two characters are talking. One has visible hair, the other does not.]] Hair: You assumed? Hair: You know what happens when you assume-- None: I don't. Yet you're confidently asserting that I do. Hair: ...Oh. Hm. None: Check and mate. {{Title text: You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.}}

Earth's LAND MAMMALS By Weight [[A graph in which one square equals 1,000,000 tons. Dark grey squares represent humans, light gray represent our pets and livestock, and green squares represent wild animals. The squares are arranged in a roughly round shape, with clusters for each type of animal. Animals represented: Humans, cattle, pigs, goats (39 squares), sheep, horses (29 squares), elephants (1 square). There are other small, unlabeled clusters also. It is clear that humans and our pets & livestock outweigh wild animals by at least a factor of 10. ]] {{Title text: Bacteria still outweigh us thousands to one--and that's not even counting the several pounds of them in your body.}}

[[A white-on-black drawing of the ISEE-3 ICE probe.]] The ISEE-3 ICE probe was launched in 1978. Its mission ended in 1997 and it was sent a shutdown signal. [[Back to black-on-white text.]] In 2008, we learned--to our surprise--that the probe didn't shut down. It's still running and it has plenty of fuel. ...and in 2014, its orbit brings it near Earth. [[Two figures talking.]] Figure 1: We could sent it on a new mission... except we no longer have the equipment to send commands to it. Figure 2: Can't we- [[Camera frame closes in slightly on the first figure.]] Figure 1: NASA won't rebuild it. "Too expensive." Figure 2: Seriously? Figure 2: I know, right? So the internet found the specs and we went to work. [[Camera zooms out as the two figures walk through an area with two other figures seated at desks working on laptops; one of the seated figures is wearing a headset.]] Figure 1: We've convinced them to give us time on the Madrid DSN transmitter and hacked the maser to support the uplink. And today's the big day. [[Camera focuses on the figure with the headset.]] Headset Operator 1: Transmitting... We have a signal! We have control! [[Camera flips back to the first figure.]] Figure 1: Okay, transmit the new comet rendezvous maneuver sequen- Off screen: What the hell? [[Camera zooms back out to show all four figures.]] Headset Operator 1: My console went dead! Operator 2: Mine too! Figure 1: What's happening? [[Camera back to figure with headset, staring at screen.]] Headset Operator 1: There's a new signal going out over the transmitter! Figure 1 (from offscreen): A bug? Headset Operator 1: Someone else is in the system! [[Camera switches to the second operator.]] Operator 2: Kill the connection! Headset Operator 1 (from offscreen): I can't find it! Operator 2: They're firing the probe's engines! Headset Operator 1 (from offscreen): No!! [[Camera switches back to the headset operator.]] Figure 1 (from offscreen): Who's doing this?? Stop them! Operator 2 (from offscreen): I'm trying! Headset Operator 1: Look! My screen! [[The camera zooms back to show all of them, and a message is being shown on the headset operator's screen, in red.]] M-E-S-S-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-B-E-S-T D-I-E-L-I-K-E-T-H-E-R-E-S-T [[Camera cuts to a pool with two figures in it.]] [[Camera zooms out to show that the pool is on the roof of a downtown building. We see the figures' speech coming from it.]] Burn: Crash? Crash: Yeah, Burn? [[Same skyline view.]] Burn: Make a wish. [[A meteor passes through the sky above the city skyline.]] {{Title text: HACK THE STARS}}

[[Two "Transformer"-esque robots are visible.]] First Robot: Transform! [[Both robots run to the right.]] [[Each robot reaches a tree and begins to climb it.]] [[The camera focuses on the nearer of the two robots, which is placing itself into a chrysalis hanging from the tree branch.]] {{Title text: A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.}}

[[A circle consisting of many rings with a projection of the surface of the earth in the center. The outermost ring is split into a yellow semi-circle labeled at the top with "noon" and a gray semi-circle labeled at the bottom with "midnight," with "6 AM" on the left and "6 PM" on the right. A second ring immediately inside the outer ring has two sections labeled, one "Rude to call" and the other "Business hours (9-5)" - the rest of that ring is blank. Various other rings contain labels for various places on and portions of the Earth, for instance continents and city names.]] ((Everything except the outer two rings in the image rotate such that the time markers on the outside correspond to the approximate times in the locations of the world aligned with them.)) {{Title text: This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com now}}

[[A figure stands in a desert, looking at a rock in front of it.]] Rock: Greetings, stranger. Whatever quest drives you, abandon it. You shall find no answers in these desolate wastes. Figure: I knew I wouldn't. I guess I... just had to see. I hate feeling desperate enough to visit the second page of Google results. {{Title text: Let me just scroll down and check behind that rock. Annnnd ... nope, page copyright year starts with '19'. Oh God, is this a WEBRING?}}

[[A man and a woman sit at an intimate dinner table. They have plates and glasses of wine in front of them.]] Man: So, did you grow up around here? Woman: I love you. Man: ... huh? Woman: Waiter! One of everything on the menu. [[The woman stands up. She's holding the plate.]] Man: Why are you up there? Woman: I'm stuck. This plate looks delicious. Aaaoogaoag. [[The woman has put the plate down and walked off-panel.]] Woman: Bye. OK. Coming back now. [[The woman is crouched on her chair, holding a spiral.]] Man: You're being controlled by Twitch, aren't you? Woman: Check out this cool spiral! Man: It's- Woman: SAVING. {{Title text: I sympathize with the TPP protagonist because I, too, have progressed through a surprising number of stages of life despite spending entire days stuck against simple obstacles.}}

[[A figure in a white hat stands talking to another.]] White hat guy: Yeah, but if I'm considerate toward one person about one thing, what's next? Being nice to other people about other things? Where does it end? {{Title text: Sure, taking a few seconds to be respectful toward someone about something they care about doesn't sound hard. But if you talk to hundreds of people every day and they all start expecting that same consideration, it could potentially add up to MINUTES wasted. And for WHAT?}}

[[A grid of individual text items, five columns wide by ten rows tall. Each describes a particular event, and periodically individual items flash to full opacity before gradually fading again, indicating the average frequency of each occurring.]] ((First row: heartbeat, one birth, one death, someone edits Wikipedia, someone buys a vibrator.)) ((Second row: China builds a car, Japan builds a car, Germany builds a car, the US builds a car, someone else builds a car.)) ((Third row: a European Union resident has their first kiss, a US fire department puts out a fire, someone hits a hole-in-one, my turn signal blinks, the turn signal of the car in front of me blinks.)) ((Fourth row: earthquake (magnitude 1), earthquake (magnitude 2), earthquake (magnitude 3), earthquake (magnitude 4), member of the UK parliament flushes a toilet.)) ((Fifth row: an airline flight takes off, someone buys To Kill a Mockingbird, someone's pet cat kills a mockingbird, someone in Phoenix buys new shoes, someone in Phoenix puts on a condom.)) ((Sixth row: someone locks their keys in their car, a Sagittarius named Amelia drinks a soda, a dog bites someone in the US, someone steals a bicycle, a bald eagle catches a fish.)) ((Seventh row: 50000 plastic bottles are produced, 50000 plastic bottles are recycled, a bright meteor is visible somewhere, old faithful erupts, a fishing boat catches a shark.)) ((Eighth row: someone in the US is diagnosed with cancer, someone in the US dies from cancer, someone adopts a dog from a shelter, someone adopts a cat from a shelter, someone gets married.)) ((Ninth row: someone registers a domain, someone in the US buys a house, someone in the US gets a tattoo, the star PSR J1748-2446AD rotates 1000 times, someone lies about their age to sign up for Facebook.)) ((Tenth row: someone breaks an iPhone screen, a little league player strikes out, someone has sex in North Dakota, Justin Bieber gains a follower on Twitter, someone in Denver orders a pizza.)) {{Title text: This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.}}

[[A woman and black hat guy sit at desks, their backs to each other, each using a laptop.]] Woman: Ever hear of the Kola borehole? Black hat guy: No - what's that? Woman: A Soviet project to drill deap into the earth's crust. [[The woman turns around; we see her head and shoulders.]] Woman: There's a hoax report claiming that their drill broke through into a superhot cavern, and when they lowered a microphone into the hole, they heard tormented screaming. People say that's why the miners sealed the well and abandoned the project. [[The woman turns back to her laptop.]] Black hat guy: Why would anyone believe that story? Woman: I guess some people think Hell is literally an underground place. [[Black hat guy turns around and addresses the woman.]] Black hat guy: No - I mean, why would the miners seal the opening? Why not just dig a canal connecting it to the ocean? Unless they like Hell. [[The woman turns back around.]] Woman: ... If there's ever a war between earth and Hell, I hope I'm on your side. Black hat guy: You seem nice; you probably won't be. {{Title text: Tonight's top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.}}

[[One figure stands at the left side of the frame, watching a second figure chase a deer that has a laptop strapped to its back.]] Second Figure: Humans aren't built to sit all day. This is much healthier. My hobby: one-upping the standing desk people. {{Title text: At first I was making fun of them, but joke's on me--the deer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.}}

[[A figure sits at a desk. A message is being displayed on the figure's laptop screen. It reads "Urgent: critical update available!"]] [[The message continues. "Details: Fixes an issue that was causing random laptop electrical fires."]] (This update will require restarting your computer.) [[The figure clicks on "Remind me later."]] {{Title text: I have a bunch of things open right now.}}