ABCD

They say you can't argue with results, but what kind of defeatist attitude is that? If you stick with it, you can argue with ANYTHING.

No, tell the park rangers to calm down, it's fine--I put a screen on the front. I just want to get the birds a little closer.

Really, the only honest 24-hour stores are the ones in places like Arizona and Hawaii, and many of them are still wrong in certain years.

Be careful—it's breeding season, and some of these can be *extremely* defensive of their nests.

Elon Musk finally blocked me from the internal Tesla repository because I wouldn't stop sending pull requests for my code supporting steering via vim keybindings.

ISSUE: If we wait long enough, the Earth will eventually be consumed by the Sun. WORKAROUND: None.

My trash can broke recently and I had to get rid of it. When I picked it up, I suffered a brief but harrowing existential crisis.

Never give your password or bank account number to anyone who doesn't have a blue check mark next to their name.

Every year I make out my bracket at the season, and every year it's busted before the first game when I find out which teams are playing.

If you ask "why are leaves green?" the usual answer is "because they're full of chlorophyll, and chlorophyll is green," even though "why does chlorophyll scatter green light?" is a great question too.

They're really the worst tech support team. And their solutions are always the same. "This OS X update broke something." "LET'S INFILTRATE APPLE BY MORPHING APPLES!"

I pronounce epitome "EPPY-tome", but EpiPen "uh-PIE-pen".

There's a compromise bill to keep the notification bar but at least charge the battery.

♫ When the spacing is tight / And the difference is slight / That's a moiré ♫

My favorite might be U+1F609 U+1F93F WINKING FACE VOMITING.

'So we just have a steady flow of metal piling up in our server room? Isn't that a problem?' 'Yeah, you should bring that up at our next bismuth meeting.'

I recognize that chocolate is its own thing on which reasonable people may differ. Everything else here is objective fact.

I'm one of the few Instagram users who connects solely through the Unix 'talk' gateway.

The phone will be collected by the toll operators and mailed back to you within 4-6 weeks.

The dump also contains a list of millions of prime factors, a 0-day Tamagotchi exploit, and a technique for getting gcc and bash to execute arbitrary code.

Sure, you could just ask, but this also takes care of the host gift thing.

If used with software that could keep up, a scroll wheel mapped to send a stream of 'undo' and 'redo' events could be kind of cool.

If you must know, I'm currently researching how to save this emailed tax form as a regular PDF so I can print and sign it. Our work isn't a lock for the Nobel, but we're in the running.

"So, like, sexy news videos?" "No, people have tried that--it's still just video content. We need to actually inform people THROUGH making out. I would call it 'Mouth Content,' but I think that's already the title of a Neil Cicierega album."

Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.

[*disables social networking accounts*] [*social isolation increases*] Wait, why does this ALSO feel bad?

Good point--making no decision is itself a decision. So that's a THIRD option I have to research!

I've decided to score all my conversations using chess win-loss notation. (??)

This is probably the first projection in cartographic history that can be criticized for its disproportionate focus on Finland, Mongolia, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

You have to be careful doing this. Sometimes, when you push the whisker down, dynamite explodes.

I have accidentally watered virtually every person and object in Pelican Town.

Maybe if I spin it back and forth really fast I can do some kind of pulse-width modulation.

After my absent-mindedness resulted in a bad posterboard-related stomachache, I learned to do the sign-making place last.

Billy Joel briefly detained

The key is portion control, which is why I've switched to eating smaller cans of frosting instead of full bottles.

You can apply special translucent films to your windows to help keep birds/Superman from accidentally flying into them.

On the other hand, the refractor's limited light-gathering means it's unable to make out shadow people or the dark god Chernabog.

With the right 90-degree rotation, any effect is a side effect.

Texting should work. Unless the message is too long, in which case it gets converted to voicemails, and I think I'm locked out of my voicemail.

My life goal is to launch a barge into the air and have it land on one of Elon Musk's rockets.

Dvorak words may sound hard to pronounce, but studies show they actually put less stress on the vocal cords.

Plus, time's all weird in there, so most of it probably broke down and decomposed hundreds of years ago. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to get in touch with Yucca Mountain to see if they're interested in a partnership.

Further out to the right, it works correctly, but the reason it works still involves the word 'firmware.'

This map preserves the shapes of Tissot's indicatrices pretty well, as long as you draw them in before running the resize.

Hey Rob, sorry it took me a while to get back to you! Sure, I'd love to see WALL-E opening weekend! Are you still doing that, or...?

2078: He announces that he's finally making the jump from screen+irssi to tmux+weechat.

I didn't even realize you could HAVE a data set made up entirely of outliers.

[holding up a three-phase motor] As you can see here, the problem is that the humidifier I took this from is broken.

Things are looking good for the eclipse--Nate Silver says Earth will almost definitely still have a moon in August.

Sometimes, parts of a slowly-rising mountain suddenly rise REALLY fast, which is extra interesting.

Dear Diary: UNSUBSCRIBE

And then in a twinkling, a sound gave me pause / From the roof came the scratching of eight tarsal claws.

Guess who has two thumbs and spent the night in an ER after trying to rescue a kitten that ran under his car at a stoplight and climbed up into the engine compartment? And, thanks to antibiotics, will continue having two thumbs? THIS GUY. (P.S. kitten is safe!)

Contains 100% of your recommended daily allowance!

[Google search] how do I block my lawn

While there's no formal regulation, it turns out their industry group is NOT one you want mad at you.

It me, your father.

I know they said this change is permanent, but surely when they hear how much we're complaining someone will find a way to change things back.

If anyone calls you on any weird detail, just say it's from the Jedi Prince book series, which contains so much random incongruous stuff that even most Expanded Universe/Legends fans collectively agreed to forget about it decades ago.

Of course, "Number of times I've gotten to make a decision twice to know for sure how it would have turned out" is still at 0.

Technically DC isn't a state, but no one is too pedantic about it because they don't want to disturb the snakes.

If I were trapped on a desert island, and could have an unlimited supply of any one type of apple, I'd be like, "How did this situation happen?"

[bzzzt] "REMEMBER TO CHECK IN FOR YOUR FLIGHT TO LONDON." "My wha-" [bzzzt] "YOUR UBER WILL ARRIVE IN FOUR MINUTES."

4. They unplug the root machine but the thousands of leaf VMs scatter in the wind and start spinning up new instances wherever they land

Effect strength => [unstoppable] | Effect range => [2 miles] | Effect duration => [1 year]

Later, when I remember that I'm calling movers, I frantically scribble over the labels and write 'NORMAL HOUSE STUFF' on all of them, which actually makes things worse.

I bet if I yell at my scared friends I will feel better.

Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way.

West Norsussex is east of East Norwessex, but they're both far north of Middlesex and West Norwex.

DEPARTMENT OF NEUROSCIENCE / Motto: "If I hear the phrase 'mirror neurons' I swear to God I will flip this table."

Once you've done this, make a note of how old they were. Then, when their age reaches double that, show them this chart again.

We can do this.

Lot of drama in those days, including constant efforts to force the "Reflections on Trusting Trust" guy into retirement so we could stop being so paranoid about compilers.

It's a myth that you can never cross mountains safely, but be sure you understand how the climatic situation there will affect your parent thunderstorm.

"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty--" / "Can't we just read Pat the Bunny?"

But instead of hitting the ocean, you should land in an overheating hot tub on a sinking cruise ship, sending it crashing through the floor into the burning engine room as the ship goes under.

That's actually the original Japanese version of A Million Random Digits, which is much better than the American remake the book was based on.

I got to check off 'Make something called xkcd' early.

Evolutionarily speaking, mushrooms are technically a type of ghost.

"The only link we've found between the two documents is that a fragment of the Noah one mentions Aaron's brother Moses parting an ocean. Is that right?" "... yes. Yes, exactly."

Whenever you see a video of birds doing something weird, remember: Birds are a small subset of dinosaurs, so the weirdness of birds is a small subset of the weirdness of dinosaurs.

"This seems more like a way to attract turkey vultures." "My mom always told me a turkey vulture is just a friend you haven't met yet, usually because you don't smell enough like decaying meat."

The 78-rpm era was closer to the Civil War than to today.

I have this weird thing where if I don't drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.

Remind me to order another pack of coffee filters from Dyson. Man, these things are EXPENSIVE.

'Copy and paste from a random thread on a website' is the hardest to predict, and depends on the specific website, programming language, tone of the description, and current phase of the moon.

Despite it being imaginary, I already have SUCH a strong opinion on the cord-switch firing incident.

I WONDERED why he kept asking whether we thought the impact speed was too low.

'What was the original problem you were trying to fix?' 'Well, I noticed one of the tools I was using had an inefficiency that was wasting my time.'

Whenever I see a picture of the moon where the points go more than halfway around, I assume it's being eclipsed by one of those Independence Day ships and interpret the rest of the image in light of that.

Asimov's Cosmic AC was created by linking all datacenters through hyperspace, which explains a lot. It didn't reverse entropy--it just discarded the universe when it reached end-of-life and ordered a new one.

On the plus side, we definitely killed that cancer over there, even if we caused a bunch more everywhere else.

* Mad about jorts

"I've noticed you physics people can be a little on the reductionist side." "That's ridiculous. Name ONE reductionist word I've ever said."

I still don't understand why the Sun paid the extra money for Transitions lenses.

[After setting your car on fire] Listen, your car's temperature has changed before.

Hang on, I just remembered another thing I'm right about. See...

The New Worlds Mission is already trying to get funding for this, but NASA sponsored their proposal, so it will be hard to catch the telescope people by surprise with it.

"Hey guys! I have a great idea for a migration!" "Dammit, Kevin."

Take THAT, piece of 1980s-era infrastructure I've inexplicably maintained on my systems for 15 years despite never really learning how it works.