ABCD

[[Man holding cell phone talks to a man at a desk littered with objects]] Man with phone: Hey, what's your cell number? Man at desk: (Violet Brown Gray) - Uh, I mean, (718)-387-6962. Man with phone: Okay, you are putting down those resistors and going outside for a while. Man at desk: That's probably a good idea. {{title text: (It's the TMBG Dial-a-Song line, to save you some time.)}}

[[Woman talking to boy on swing-set]] Woman: You know, at the peak of a big swing, you become weightless. [[Thought bubble from boy on swing-set]] [[Boy swings higher and higher. At the peak of a big swing he shoves off the swing. The boy remains hovering in the air.]] Boy: Hey guys. Come check this out. {{title text: Someone bring me a pocket fan so I can drift around the yard.}}

[[A man with much facial hair is sleeping on a bed.]] [[Suddenly, two ninjas jump through the skylight.]] Ninja 1: Richard Stallman! Your viral open source licenses have grown too powerful. Ninja 1: The GPL must be stopped. Ninja 1: At the source. Ninja 1: You. [[Richard Stallman wakes up immediately, and pulls his katana out of its sheath from under his bed]] Richard Stallman: Hah! Microsoft lackeys! So it has come to this! Richard Stallman: A night of blood I've long awaited. But be this my death or yours, free software will carry on! For a GNU dawn! For freedom! ... hey, where are you going? [[The ninja step out the window]] Ninja 1: Man, you're right, that never gets old. Ninja 2: Let's do Eric S. Raymond next. Ninja 1: Or Linus Torvalds. I hear he sleeps with nunchucks. [[Comic alt text: Later we'll dress up like Big Oil thugs and jump Ralph Nader.]]

[[Floating in space]] Speaker: Last night I drifted off while reading a Lisp book. Stick Figure Man: Huh? Speaker: Suddenly, I was bathed in a suffusion of blue. [[Floating in space before a vast concept tree]] Speaker: At once, just like they said, I felt a great enlightenment. I saw the naked structure of Lisp code unfold before me. Stick Figure Man: My God Stick Figure Man: It's full of 'car's Speaker: The patterns and metapatterns danced. Syntax faded, and I swam in the purity of quantified conception. Of ideas manifest. Truly, this was the language from which the gods wrought the Universe. [[Floating in space with God appearing through a line of clouds]] God: No, it's not. Stick Figure Man: It's not? God: I mean, ostensibly, yes. Honestly, we hacked most of it together with Perl. {{Alt Text: We lost the documentation on quantum mechanics. You'll have to decode the regexes yourself.}}

{{Valentine's Day}} [[There is a large, shaded, red heart.]] {{Because love isn't quite complicated enough as it is.}} {{alt: One of these days me and Joey Comeau will get around to subverting hetero-normative paradigm and fixing all this.}}

Sometimes I forget how to do small talk. [[Two people are talking to each other]] First person: Hey! Second person: Hey, man! First person: What's up? How've you been? Second person: Well... [[Nothing happens]] [[Nothing happens]] [[Nothing happens]] First person: Uh, you okay? Second person: Yeah! It's just an interesting question. I'm trying to decide what best sums up my - First person: <<SNAP>> Hey, conversation. Second person: Oh, right. I'm fine. You? {{title text: But surely I owe you an accurate answer!}}

int getRandomNumber() { return 4; chosen by fair dice roll. guarenteed to be random. } {{title text: RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number.}}

[[Girl sits on chair, thinking]] [[Two panels pass, the girl does not move]] Girl: If the question of what it all means doesn't mean anything, why do I keep coming back to it? [[Two boys are talking to each other]] First boy: She's getting existential again. Second boy: It's okay, I have a super soaker. [[Second boy pulls a large super soaker from a drawer]] {{title text: It's like the squirt bottle we use with the cat.}}

[[Two girls are talking with each other. There is a fort made of cushions and blankets on the left]] First Girl: Like my fort? It uses every blanket and cushion in the apartment. Second Girl: Okay, no offense, but this is like that ball pit you made -- Cute, but don't you worry you're clinging to childhood games because you're afraid of change? First Girl: No. I'm happy to grow up. But I won't pretend fun things aren't still fun out of fear of looking silly. Second Girl: But you're 24 and building blanket forts. How have you changed? What's adult about that? First Girl: Well, there's my boyfriend curled up in the back. Second Girl: ...Ah. Boyfriend [[from inside the fort]]:Excuse my shyness. I'm not exactly dressed. {{alt text: Also, we have a fort out in the woods where we stashed that hooker's body.}}

{{Headline: Scary Thought #137: The NES came out over two decades ago. Those kids are all grown-ups now.}} [[Two surgeons are in an operating room, leaning over a patient]] First Surgeon: He's going into cardiac arrest. Stand by for defibrillation. Second Surgeon: Wait. First let's try taking out the heart, blowing into the ventricles, and putting it back in. {{title text: Scary thought #138: Raptors coming down the waterslide behind me.}}

Person: Hey, check it out: e^pi-pi is 19.999099979. That's weird. Hat Guy: Yeah. That's how I got kicked out of the ACM in college. Person: . . . what? Hat Guy: During a competition, I told the programmers on our team that e^pi-pi was a standard test of floating-point handlers--it would come out to 20 unless they had rounding errors. Person: That's awful. Hat Guy: Yeah, they dug through half their algorithms looking for the bug before they figured it out. {{alt text: Also, I hear the 4th root of (9^2 + 19^2 22) is pi.

TV Romantic Drama Equation (Derived during a series of 'Queer as Folk' episodes) [[A table shows equations for possible romantic pairings in a TV show. The equation under "gay" is n(n-1) 2+x(x-n); the equation under "straight" is x(n-x).]] x: Number of male (or female) cast members. n: total number of cast members. [[A graph plots pairings (for large casts) against cast makeup. Each of the above equations forms a curve. "Gay cast" starts high for an all male cast, dips down at 50 50 cast makeup, and then rises again for all female. "Straight cast" starts at zero for an all male cast, peaks at 50 50 cast makeup, and then drops to zero again for an all female cast. The two curves intersect at two points close to the middle.]] {{Title text: Real-life prospective-pairing curves over things like age can get depressing.}}

[[A picture of a man and a woman in a heart is being held by someone, it has been ripped down the middle, separating the two people]] [[Man sits at computer, looking at the picture]] [[It is night, man still sits at computer with the picture in front of him and his head drooped]] [[It is day again, man types on computer]] Text from computer: root@homebox:~# userdel megan {{alt text: At least I never gave her the root password.}}

The Problem With Wikipedia: Takoma Narrows Bridge [[Lines Lead to]] Suspension Bridge [[and]] Structural Collapse Three Hours of Fascinated Clicking Later William Howard Taft 24-Hour Analog Dial Lesbianism in Erotica Batman [[leads to]] Fatal Hilarity Taylor Hanson Cotton [[leads to]] T-Shirt [[leads to]] Wet T-Shirt Contest {{alt:'Taft in a wet t-shirt contest' is the key image here}}

[[Two people are in a room. One is standing up. There is litter around them.]] Standing man: Okay, that's all the Ghostbusters marathon I can handle. Later! Man #2: You can't leave! We just started the animated series! Standing man: I've had my fill. I'm going home. Man #2: I can't let you do that. [[The man walks along a cord, and past a box. The other man clicks a switch.]] <<Click>> [[The standing man is bathed in some kind of aura emitted by the box.]] {{Title text: If you walk out that door you'll be crossing the Rubicon with me, and that's one stream I'm not ready to cross.}}

My brain: [[Picture of Brain. Line points at a highlighted point]] Section that is devoted, no matter where I go in life, to planning the ultimate tree house*. *Man it would be like Swiss Family Robinson, but with multiple trees connected by... hey come up to my room and see the blue prints. {{title text: The rest is fear of raptors}}

Person 1: You know that giant hamster ball you've always wanted? I just found out that Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips crowd-surfs in one. Person 2: Let's go. Some Weeks Later ... [[Wayne Coyne is, in fact, crowd-surfing in a giant hamster ball.]] Person: Ready? Friends: Ready. Person: Now! <<shove>> [[People on both sides shove the crowd out of the way, causing Coyne in his ball to fall to the ground.]] Wayne Coyne: Hey! Person: Okay, push! [[Person and friends start pushing the ball away, as the crowd looks on.]] [[Some roll him up the ramp into the back of a semi, while others hold the crowd back and one stands by to drive.]] Wayne Coyne: Help! [[The truck drives off, leaving the audience in a cloud of dust.]] {{Title text: First person to bring me Wayne Coyne in a hamster ball gets a free t-shirt! He gets one too.}}

Start | The 90's? \ No Yes | | Stop Stop \ Hammertime Collaborate | Listen {{alt: Freestyle rapping is basically applied Markov chains.}}

[[Person with beret in a kayak is talking to person on pier.]] Person with beret: Come explore the future with me! Person on pier: Huh? What's that you're in? Person with beret: A two seat kayak! Person on pier: I see, but why do you have it? Person with beret: We'll find out! The future is a big place! Person on pier: So the kayak travels through time? Person with beret: Sure! Just like everything else! It also goes over water. Come on! {{title text: Man, there's future *everywhere*.}}

Narrator: Whenever I learn a new skill I concoct elaborate fantasy scenarios where it lets me save the day. Woman: Oh no! The killer must have followed her on vacation! [[Woman points to computer]] Woman: But to find them we'd need to search through 200MB of emails looking for something formatted like an address! Man: It's hopeless! Offpanel voice: Everybody stand back. Offpanel voice: I know regular expressions. [[A man swings in on a rope, toward the computer]] <<tap tap>> <<PERL!>> [[The man swings away, and the other characters cheer]] {{rollover text: Wait, forgot to escape a space. Wheeeeee[taptaptap]eeeeee.}}

{{Title: What does XKCD mean?}} [[One car of two sitting at a red light makes a right turn, then shifts over to the left and makes a left turn to go back the way it came. It then makes another right and continues on the road past the traffic light. This is shown with a red arrow.]] {{Panel title: It means saving a few seconds at a long red light via elaborate and questionably legal maneuvers.}} [[Someone on a cell phone is shown in a circle in the panel. A second person in the panel itself is looking at a dog, from which the ringing sound of his phone is coming]] <<Ring>> {{Panel title: It means having someone call your cell phone to figure out where it is.}} [[The mathematical function "A(g64, g64)=," with the 64s subscripted, appears in the panel. Next to the equal sign stands a mathematician, clutching his head.]] {{Panel title: It means calling the Ackermann function with Graham's number as the arguments just to horrify mathematicians.}} Mathematician: Aughhh [[An approximately 8 by 8 square of floor tiles is shown; the first, fourth and seventh across in the first, fourth and seventh rows are black and the rest are white. A guy and girl are shown next to it, walking on what is presumed to be the same pattern of floor tiles.]] {{Panel title: It means instinctively constructing rules for which floor tiles it's okay to step on and then walking funny ever after.}} {{Line indicating the uppermost right black tile: Black tiles okay}} {{Line indicating tile directly below it: White tiles directly between black tiles okay}} {{Line indicating a white tile in the last column over: Not okay}} {{Alt text: It means shuffling quickly past nuns on the street with ketchup in your palms, pretending you're hiding stigmata.}}

[[Two men stand facing one another. Man on the left is wearing a hat]] Man: You know, I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Man 2: Really? Well, I once shot a man in Reno, but I couldn't tell you why. Man: I once shot a man in Reno, then I went home to cry. Man 2: I once shot a man in Reno, then I watered his cacti. Man: I once shot a man in Reno 'cause they cancelled Firefly. Man 2: I once shot a man in Reno, him and all his succubi. Man: I once shot a man in Reno and a bunch more in My Lai. Man 2: I think we're done. {{title text: Did you shoot a man in Reno? Now, I don't mean to pry.}}

When it came to eating strips of candy buttons, there were two main strategies. Some kids carefully removed each bead, checking closely for paper residue before eating. Others tore the candy off haphazardly, swallowing large scraps of paper as they ate. Then there were the lonely few of us who moved back and forth on the strip, eating rows of beads here and there, pretending we were Turing machines. {Title text: Nonrewritable tape?}

[[Timeline]] 1776 ; declaration of independence 1979 ; jimmy carter attacked by giant swimming rabbit 2007 ; present day centered, bottom, title ; america must never forget

Heading: Sometimes is seems bizarre to me that we take dreaming in stride. [[Two people standing]] Person 1: Are you coming to dinner? Person 2: Yeah, but first I'm gonna go comatose for a few hours, hallucinate vividly, and then maybe suffer amnesia about the whole experience. Person 1: Okay, cool.

The Internet has always had loud dumb people, but I've never seen anything quite as bad as the people who comment on YouTube videos. [[A YouTube comments page for a moon landing video]] Comments & Responses rocckir (48 minutes ago) this is so obviously faked its unbilevable, why r people so gullible??? morons bigmike133 (35 minutes ago) ive seen the space shuttle ass hole it definetly landed on the moon do some research... gunpistolman (22 minutes ago) if it was real why is their gravity? americans r fucken sheep crackmonkey74 (17 minutes ago) u dont think we went to the moon why not tell louis armstrong to his face simpleplan2009 (3 minutes ago) it was a soundstage on mars {{Title text: I pray GunPistolMan never learns the word 'sheeple'.}}

Boy: Check it out-- I got a GPS receiver for Christmas! What should we do with it? Girl: Let's take our latitude & longitdue, put our birthdays after the decimal points, then go to that spot and make out. [[Boy is in love]] Narrator: Merry Christmas from XKCD [[car driving off in to the distance]] {{Alt Text: If it's over water, and you can't get a boat or revise the rules to preserve the makeout, there is no helping you.}}

[[A restaurant. A mother and two children sit at one table; a man in a white lab coat sits in another.]] Title: THE TRIBULATIONS of BILL NYE Mother: Hey, kids, see how the ice cracks and pops in your water? I wonder what causes that... Mother: *AHEM* I said, I wonder what -- Bill Nye: Know what? Maybe I just wanna enjoy my goddamn meal. {{alt text: You could at least not wear the lab coat everywhere, dude.}}

[[Picture of a right hand with fingers curved, thumb pointed away, with axes drawn to demonstrate the right-hand rule of physics]] Alternatives to the Right-Hand Rule in vector multiplication: [[A slightly-open book with labeled axes drawn on.]] Book Rule: Open the front cover along the first vector and the back cover along the second. The result vector is along the spine, out the top. [[A handgun with axes.]] Handgun Rule: Point the grip along the first vector and rotate it so that the second vector is on the safety latch side. Fire. The result vector is toward the bullet holes. [[A person with right arm extended.]] Body Rule (males only): Point your right arm along the first vector and your legs along the second, then watch some porn. {{alt text: To really expand your mind try some noncartesian porn. Edwin Abbot Abbott has nothing on 'Girls on Girls in Tightly Closed Nonorientable Spaces'.}}

Narrator: Sometimes, when I first wake up, I am caught in the horrible grip of perspective. [[A person sitting up in bed]] Person: It may be a jewel of open source, but Firefox is JUST A BROWSER. It shows WEBPAGES. What the hell is WRONG with us? Narrator: Fortunately, this subsides quickly. {{alt text: I wonder what I was dreaming to prompt that. I hope it wasn't the Richard Stallman Cirque de Soleil thing again.}}

[[Four pie graphs, each colored green and brown]] Leonardo [[Almost one-half green]] Michelangelo [[More than one-half green]] Donatello [[Almost completely green]] Raphael [[Roughly half-and-half]] [[A legend]] Notoriety as a [[Brown]] Renaissance artist [[Green]] Ninja turtle {{alt text: The henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.}}

[[Two men talking]] Man 2: Last night I was watching videos with this girl and my monitors kept turning off - even though I had disabled power save. Man 1: Odd. Man 2: However! I wrote a command to jiggle the mouse pointer every couple minutes to keep it from going idle. Man 1: Not the first hack I'd try, but see? Linux has problems, but it gives you the tools to deal with them - and save your date! Man 2: Actually, I was half an hour into the pointer scripting documentation when she got dressed and left. {{title text: When designing an interface, imagine that your program is all that stands between the user and hot, sweaty, tangled-bedsheets-fingertips-digging-into-the-back sex.}}

Map of the Internet The IPv4 Space, 2006 This chart shows the IP address space on a plane using a fractal mapping which preserves grouping--any consecutive string of IPs will translate to a single, compact, contiguous region on the map. Each of the 256 numbered blocks represents one 8 subnet (containing all IPs that start with that number). The upper left section shows the blocks sold directly to corporations and coverments in the 1990's before the RIRs took over allocation. [[Diagram displaying IP addresses using Hibbert Curve]] Diagram showing IP ownership: 0: Local 1-2: Unallocated 3: General Electric 4: BB&N INC 5: Unallocated 6: Army AISC 7: Unallocated 8: BB&N INC 9: IBM 10: VPNs 11: DoD Intel 12: Bell Labs 13: Xerox 14: Public data nets 15: HP 16: DEC 17: Apple 18: MIT 19: Ford 20: CSC 21: DDN-RYN 22: DISA 23: Unallocated 24: Cable TV 25: UK MoD 26: DISA 27: Unallocated 28: DSI 29-30: DISA 31: Unallocated 32: NORSK 33: DLA 34: Halliburton 35: Merit 36-37: Unallocated 38: PSI 39: Unallocated 40: Eli Lily 41: ARINIC 42: Unallocated 43: Japan INET 44: HAM Radio 45: INTEROP 46: BB&N INC 47: Bell North 48: Prudential 49-50: Unallocated 51: UK Social Security 52: duPont 55: Boeing 56: USPS 57: SITA 58-61: Asia-Pacific 62: Europe 63-76: USA & Canada (contains: UUNET, Google, Digg, Slashdot, Ebay, Craigslist, XKCD, Flickr) 77-79: Europe (unused) 80-91: Europe 92-95: Unallocated 96-99: North America 100-120: Unallocated 121-125: Asia-Pacific 126: Japan 127: Loopback 128-132: Various Registrars 133: Japan 134-172: Various Registrars 173-189: Unallocated 188: Various 189-190: Latin America & Caribbean 191-192: Various (contains Private (RFC 1918) 193-195: Europe 196: Africa 197: Unallocated 198: US & Various 199: North America 200-201: Latin America & Carribbean 202-203: Asia-Pacific 204-209: North America (contains Suicide Girls, BoingBoing) 210-211: Asia-Pacific 212-213: Europe 214-215: U.S. Department of Defense 216: North America (Contains Myspace, SomethingAwful) 217: Europe 218-222: Asia-Pacific 223: Unallocated 224-239: Multicast 240-255: Unallocated {{alt: For the IPv6 map just imagine the XP default desktop picture.}}

{{Headline: PENISES:}} Woman: They are about this big. [[Holds her hands about half a foot apart]] Now can we PLEASE, as a culture, move on? {{alt:The penis varies in size when flaccid and is pretty consistently about yea big when erect. Anyway, back to the sitcom one-liners and the constant flow of spam.}}

[[Two people are listening to music on a stereo]] Person 1: I'm telling you, listen right here to the sets of rising notes following the opening section. Person 2: Uh huh. [[Person 1 indicates stereo]] Person 1: And then right here, the transition into the chorus. _This_ is music. This is _art_! [[Person 1 dances along with the music]] Stereo: Oh Mickey, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey! *clap* *clap* Hey Mickey! Person 2: There's something wrong with you. {{alt text: Oh, what a pity, can't you understand...}}

Have you read about Google HQ? It sounds like an incredible place to work. Man, I ain't going to be chained down in no corporate idea factory! They think just 'cause they've got a nice building and laid back culture, I'm gonna want to come in all day long and work on fascinating problems with the smartest people in the world. [[One stick figure stares at the other]] So, what, they turned you down? I don't understand it! I even baked them a cake shaped like the internet! {{I hear once you've worked there 256 days, they teach you the secret of levitation.}}

Man: If you learned to speak Lojban, your communication would be completely unambiguous and logical. Man in black hat: Yeah, but it would all be with the kind of people who learn Lojban.

[[Character 1 - wearing a black hat - sits at a computer. Character 2 stands behind Character 1]] Character 1: You see, statisticians communicate using IPoD -- IP over Demographics. For example, the header of the next packet I send will be encoded into the New Jersey death rate. Character 2: So you're going to hack the census bureau and change the number of reported deaths? Character 1: Guess again. Character 1: Hey, have you seen my crossbow? {{Alt: For smaller numbers he has to SAVE lives. The birthrate channel is even more of a mixed bag.}}

Like many geeks, I got a lot more interested in exercise once I made the connection to leveling up. [[Man is doing pull-ups on a bar]] Man doing pull-ups: One more point to str, then I'll run to work on con. {{title text: I haven't had the patience for RPGs in a long time.}}

[[Four soldiers are preparing to enter a battlefield; their leader addresses them.]] Leader: Okay men, we're going in. Stay low, keep behind cover, and if you run out of ammunition, shoot outside the battlefield to reload. {{Title text: And watch out for that guy from comic #53.}}

[[One person sits at a computer, another is standing behind him]] Person standing up: Let's go see sunrise over the ocean. Person at computer: That's a long drive, it's cold, I'm tired, and rationalizing the familiar is easy. [[Person standing up leaves. In the next two frames the man at the computer remains at his computer]] {{title text: When I say we should do something sometime, I'm secretly hoping you'll say 'Why not now?'}}

{{Title: Fans turning away latecomers to all-night game console campouts:}} {{Sony Microsoft:}} [[Campers to new arrivals:]] The line is full, asshole! Fuck off! {{Nintendo:}} [[Campers to new arrivals:]] I'm so sorry, all the consoles are spoken for. Do... Do you want a hug? {{alt: If I get a Wii, it will be the first game console I've owned.}}

WikiFriends: [[Two people are talking to each other]] Person 1: I really liked that movie. Person 2: I hated that movie. Person 1: Me too. {{title text: It's crazy how much my gut opinion of a movie song is swayed by what other people say, regardless of how I felt coming out of the theater.}}

( ( cos 90º sin 90º) ( -sin 90º cos 90º ) ) ( a1 a2 )t = [[The same (a1 a2)t matrix turned 90º to the right]] {{In fact, draw all your rotational matrices sideways. Your professors will love it! And then they'll go home and shrink.}}

My dad was always the one who taught me about science, but looking back, I'm starting to realize how much my nerdiness was influenced by my mom. [[A woman and a child are talking]] Child: Mom, can I have a snack in my room before bed? Mom: No, Dear. You know you only get that privilege when your age is one less than a multiple of three. {{alt text: I am not making this rule up. Although my mom wants you all to know it made perfect sense at the time.}}

[[Two men stand talking two each other. The first man is pointing off the panel]] First Man: Hey, Dr. Nash, I think those gals over there are eyeing us. This is like your Nash Equilibrium, right? One of them is hot, but we should each flirt with one of her less-desirable friends. Otherwise we risk coming on too strong to the hot one and just driving the group off. Second Man (Dr. Nash): Well, that's not really the sort of situation I wrote about. Once we're with the ugly ones, there's no incentive for one of us not to try to switch to the hot one. It's not a stable equilibrium. First Man: Crap, forget it. Looks like all three are leaving with one guy. [[Second Man shakes his fist]] Second Man (Dr. Nash): Dammit, Feynman! {{title text: Maybe someday science will get over its giant collective crush on Richard Feynman. But I doubt it!}}

[[Title: Terms I have used or heard used to make fun of the internet.]] [[Below: A matrix whose entries may contain crosses to indicate that a term has been used. The rows (prefixes) are labelled WORLD WIDE, INTER-, BLOGO-, BLAGO- and WEB- ; the columns are labelled NET, WEB, SPHERE, TUBES and BLAG. In the interests of properly propagating the term "blagoblag", the full list of used terms follows: World Wide Web Internet Interweb Intersphere Intertubes Interblag Blogosphere Blagonet Blagosphere Blagoblag Webnet Webweb]] [[Boy and Girl stand facing; Boy raises his hands in the air while Girl is nonplussed]] Boy: I heard about it on the interblag! {{Title text: Sometimes I hate the internet. Sometimes it makes me happy that 'The Tubes' has become slang for the internet so quickly.}}

[[Two men stand talking to each other]] First Man: If we lose this election, I'm moving to Canada. Second Man: You say that every year. First Man: I mean it this time. Second Man: Well, becoming a citizen takes work. Meanwhile, you have no money, half an art degree, and it's the start of winter. You'll freeze to death in the streets. First Man: Whatever. [[Second man raises his hands]] Second Man: No, don't you get it? If you die in Canada, you die in REAL LIFE! {{title text: IT'S ALL REAL}}

{{Note my use of ^(x) and √(x) standing in for the normal maths syntax in the comic}} [[Two people (anonymous: no hair or hats) stand in conversation, one gesturing over a flipchart of indistinct algebra.]] EXPLAINER: NUMBERS OF THE FORM n√(-1) ARE "IMAGINARY" BUT WE CAN STILL USE THEM IN EQUATIONS. OTHER: OKAY. EXPLAINER: AND e^(π √(-1))=-1. OTHER: NOW YOU'RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME. {{alt text: I have never been totally satisfied by the explanations for why e to the ix gives a sinusoidal wave.}}

I have found the perfect phrase for condescendingly dismissing anything: [[Two men are talking, one is wearing a black hat]] Man without hat: Have you seen the new ubuntu release? Man with black hat: Nah, I'm not really into Pokémon. {{title text: As of this writing, Ubuntu 6.10 and Firefox 2.0 have left my computer a complete mess.}}

[[Girl with black hair stands in the frame, talking to the reader]] Girl: I'm sure you've heard all about this sordid affair in those gossipy cryptographic protocol specs with those busybodies Schneier and Rivest, always taking Alice's side, always labeling me the attacker. Girl: Yes, it's true. I broke Bob's private key and extracted the text of her messages. But does anyone realize how much it hurt? Girl: He said it was nothing, but everything from the public-key authenticated signatures on the files to the lipstick heart smeared on the disk screamed "Alice." Girl: I didn't want to believe. Of course on some level I realized it was a known-plaintext attack. But I couldn't admit it until I saw it for myself. [[Girl places her hands on her hips]] Girl: So before you so quickly label me a third party to the communication, just remember: I loved him first. We had something and she tore it away. She's the attacker, not me. - Not eve. {{title text: Yet one more reason I'm barred from speaking at crypto conferences.}}

[[Man stands in frame, talking]] Man: Every morning for a week now I've gone out driving before sunrise. I wanted to get lost in the dark, park my car, listen to music, and sip from a warm drink as dawn broke around me, gradually revealing a landscape I'd never before seen. A chain of unique beinnings forcing wonder into the seeds of each day. But I guess I need more willpower, because each sunrise just found me at your mom's apartment again. {{title text: It's an amazing time of day; the light is great for photography.}}

When I walk past an automatic door and it opens for me, I worry that if I don't go in I'll hurt its feelings. <<whirrrr>> Figure: Oh, um, I'm sorry, I was just ... um ... I guess I can hang out for a bit.

{{My Hobby: Using "that's what SHE said" only in the most grammatically ambiguous situations.}} Person 1: He doubts she could've done they claimed she did. Person 2: That's what _SHE_ said! {{alt: Yes, I mean she said that during sex. Yes, it was a little weird.}}

At the movies, I get frustrated when we file into our row haphazardly, ignoring the computationally difficulty problem of seating people together for maximum enjoyment. [[Map of relationships between 8 people.]] {{legend:}} Single line: friends. Double line: in a relationship. Arrow: one-way crush. Dashed line: acquaintances [[The eight friends sitting in a row in a dark cinema. Narrator and one other are between two lovers.]] Guys! This is not socially optimal! {{Title-text: It's like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can't ask your friends for help because they're sitting three seats down.}}

[[A set of lockers. The middle one has a sticker stuck to it proclaiming "Skateboarding is not a crime"]] When I'm president, skateboarding will still be legal, but display of those stupid stickers will be a felony. {{alt text: 'Arrest me, I'm a skateboarder' is an even more obnoxious variant.}}

String Theory summarized: I just had an awesome idea. Suppose all matter and energy is made of tiny, vibrating "strings". Okay. What would that imply? I dunno. {{title text: This works on pretty much every level.}}

Person 1: Should we keep going? Person 2: I don't know. Person 1: We can turn back if you want. Person 2: Look-- Person 2: Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't have a plan any more than you? Maybe just having this conversation means we're lost. [[Wide shot of the characters walking through a Calvin and Hobbes-esque alien landscape]] Person 1: Kind of scary. Person 2: It's terrifying. Person 1: This place is beautiful. Person 2: Yeah. {{alt: I hear that these days Bill Watterson is happy just painting in the Ohio woods with his father and doesn't get any mail or talk to anyone.}}

[[Hat Guy and Random Guy are standing next to each other.]] Random Guy: There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". "Angry" and "Hungry" are two. What's the third? Hat Guy: I don't think there is one, unless you cound really obscure words. Random Guy: Ha! It's "language"! I said there are three words in "the English--" [[Hat Guy grabs Random Guy's hand with a <<GRAB>>]] Random Guy: What th-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [[Hat Guy slices off Random Guy's hand with a knife.]] Hat Guy: Ok, listen carefully. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [[Random Guy is bleeding profusely.]] Hat Guy: Communicating badly then acting smug when you're misunderstood is not cleverness. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Hat Guy: I hope we've learned something today. Random Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA {{Alt text: The fifth panel also applys to postmodernists.}}

My Hobby: Reverse Euphemisms [[Two people talking]] Person 1: Oh, hey, school just let out and it's YMCA night, so I've gotta go take a shit. Person 2: What? Person 1: I mean I actually have to drop the kids off at the pool. {{title text: I'm still waiting for a chance to use 'I have to see a man about a horse'.}}

{{Alt Text: Why can't you have normal existential angst like all the other boys?}} [[Two men - one capped with a beret, the other hatless - approach a tree while talking.]] MAN: There is no God. Our existence is without purpose. MAN IN BERET: Oh, definitely. MAN IN BERET: We are adrift in an uncaring void indifferent to all our mortal toil. MAN: Exactly! In the end, nothing we do matters. MAN IN BERET: [[climbing the tree]] Totally. MAN: We just... Why are you climbing that tree? [[THe man in beret is now completely submerged in the tree]] MAN IN BERET: Because the future is an adventure! Come on! MAN: But-- MAN IN BERET: Hey! I found squirrels!

Narrator: The best part of getting older is gonna be intentionally misusing slang around teenagers just to watch them squirm. Man: Oh man, that song is so pwned! Adolescent: <<twitch>> {{title text: It slowly dawns on us that our parents knew exactly what they were doing.}}

[[Two cars are seen sitting at a red light. One person is seen walking from his car up to the driver of the car in front of him. The turn signals of both cars seem to be blinking at the same time.]] Person in Street: Hey, our turn signals are in sync! Person in Car: What the hell? Person in Street: Usually they're at least a little off. But I've been watching like 30 seconds and haven't seen any beat frequency! Person in Car: Who are you? Person in Street: You know, from the beat frequency you can tell the difference in timing of the two signals. Person in Car: ... Person in Street: But ours are the same! Person in Car: ... Person in Street: So, wanna hang out later? {{Alt: I'm not very good at meeting people.}}

Man: Yes, from the evidence it looks pretty likely to me that we're causing global warming on a horrific scale. But with science you don't need to argue. It doesn't matter who wins the debate -- it's about reality. By just waiting a little longer, we'll get to SEE who was right. It feels unethical but I find myself wanting to keep quiet about the science just to know for sure. As terrible as it sounds, the state of the world isn't really my responsibility. I'm just thrilled to get to watch. If the scientists are right -- and if we keep people from understanding just a little longer -- we'll enjoy quite a ride. And pragmatically, on the outside chance that they're all wrong, I get saved the embarrassment of having spoken up. {{alt: There are so many well-meaning conservatives around here who just assume global warming is only presented as a moral issue for political reasons.}}

[[Two programmers, one with a black hat and one without a hat, are sitting back to back at two separate desks, typing.]] No-Hat Programmer: Man, you're being inconsistent with your array indices. Some are from one, some are from zero. Black-Hat Programmer: Different tasks call for different conventions. To quote Stanford algorithm's expert Donald Knuth, "Who are you? How did you get in my house?" No-Hat Programmer: Wait, what? Black-Hat Programmer: Well, that's what he said when I asked him about it. {{alt: His books were kinda intimidating; rappelling down through his skylight seemed like the best option.}}

[[Man sits on his bed, looking at a girl who is spinning. It is night.]] Man on bed: What are you doing? Girl: Spinning counterclockwise Each turn robs the planet of angular momentum Slowing its spin by the tiniest bit Lengthening the night, pushing back the dawn Giving me a little more time here With you {{title text: With reasonable assumptions about latitude and body shape, how much time might she gain them? Note: whatever the answer, sunrise always comes too soon. (Also, is it worth it if she throws up?)}}

[[Person driving car while singing]] Driver: NAAAA NA NA NANA NANA NA NA KATAMARI DAMACY [[two people talking]] Mailbox Owner: and that's when you veered into the mailbox? Driver: It looked smaller then me. It was just instinct.

[[The first panel uses the art style of Penny Arcade.]] Gabe: What? Sony has plenty of launch titles lined up that aren't lame sequels. Tycho: Name one. And furthermore, they... I... uh... [[The art style is dropped. The next two panels are just text.]] Narrator: I can't do this. I can't parody Penny Arcade. I've got nothing on t hose guys. They're a class act, they know their audience, they know exactly what they're doing. Gabe experiments with his art, always bold and fresh without trying to perform. Tycho's writing continues to astound day after day. I can just see him, reading my uncultured swill masquerading as his florid prose. Narrator: But he's not angry, no. He's sitting at his desk smiling that condescending half-smile, the corner of his mouth belying the self-assurance of a writer who never misplaces a word. His firm hands rest easily on the keyboard, his right thumb caressing the space bar gently, as I enter the room. He knows I'm there without turning around, and I'm too nervous to speak. But I don't have to; he understands, I can see it in the way his eyes play over me, reading my fears and doubts in a glance and washing them away with a knowing smile. Then he's on his feet, he's in front of me, and I don't feel the electric jolt I expected as our hands meet. It's just warm, warm and right: As I sink into his eyes I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I see Tycho smile at someone behind me. Gabe is standing there, grinning that mischievous grin, and twirling his beloved cardboard tube between his fingers. Narrator: The night has just begun. {{Title text: No one show this to Tycho's wife, okay?}}

[[A woman is looking out a second story window at a guy holding a boombox over his head.]] Man: MEGAN! Woman: Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening. Man: I LOVE YOU! Woman: Okay, that's great. Wait a second. Is ... is that ... Ice Ice Baby? What the hell? Man: I'm not very good at this. <<Musical Notes>> alt-text: And she's gonna feel like a jerk when she realizes it was actually Under Pressure.

[[A guy stands]] Guy: It's been six months and I still have those dreams where you're pressed tight against me, where you look into my eyes and give me that grin and it's like you've forgotten everything. Guy: And something in the back of my head says it's wrong, it's not like this anymore, but I push it down. In the morning, I tell myself I can't control my dreams, but there's a part of me that doesn't want them to stop. Guy: And honestly, waking up would be a lot easier if your mom didn't look so much like you. Guy: There's always that moment of confusion. {{title-text: But then she does that thing with her tongue and I remember why I left you.}}

[[Text above plain stick figure]] Text: Sorry guys no comic today. I've gotta go to the doctor to get my thighs rotated. But here's some new character art I'm working on! {{Alt-text: Maybe I should let up on Megatokyo a little?}}

[[two men are talking, one is hat-man]] First man: Hey, can you do me a favor? [[Hat man holds his hand out toward the first man]] Hat man: Commented! First man: Huh? [[Hat man is holding his first and second fingers parallel and at an angle, and they are green. First man and his next line are also green.]] First man: Wait, what does that gesture even mean? {{Your IDE's color may vary.}}

Author: In solidarity with the many AOL users whose often embarrassing web searches were released to the public, I offer a sample of my own search history: [[There is a screencap of Google's front page with the following entries suggested for autocompletion in the search box: velociraptors site:imdb.com "jurassic park" raptors dromaeosaurids utahraptor "home depot" deadbolts security home improvement surviving a raptor attack robert bakker paleontologist robert bakker "possible raptor sympathizer" site:en.wikipedia.org surviving a raptor attack learning from mistakes in jurassic park big-game rifles tire irons treating raptor wounds do raptors fear fire how to make a molotov cocktail do raptors fear death can raptors pick locks how to tell if my neighbors are raptors]] {{alt: SomethingAwful has a wonderful compilation of crazy AOL searches in their Weekend Web archives, 2006-08-13.}}

[[A girl and man stand together, with another figure in the distance]] Girl: Professor, that man claims the earth is 6,000 years old! Professor: So? Just use your head and don't concern yourself overmuch with what other people think. Girl: But he says the fossils in the mountains were put there in a flood! Professor: Well, evidence suggests that they were not. Girl: But he-- [[A mountain landscape]] Professor: A million people can call the mountains a fiction, yet it need not trouble you as you stand atop them. [[The girl and professor again]] Girl: But he believes the silliest things! Professor: So? Professor: The universe doesn't care what you _believe_. The wonderful thing about science is that it doesn't ask for your faith, it just asks for your eyes. Girl: But he's a US Senator! Professor: Ah, then yes, we do have a bit of a situation. {{title text: Scientists are also sexy, let's not forget that.}}

[[Speaker at a podium]] Speaker: My cryptosystem is like any Feistel cipher, except in the S-Boxes we simply take the bitstring down, flip it, and reverse it. I've been barred from speaking at any major cryptography conferences ever since it became clear that all my algorithms were just thinly disguised Missy Elliot songs. {{alt: If you got a big keyspace, let me search it.}}

[[A man stands by a genie, whose lower body becomes smoke and trails down to an old-fashioned lamp]] Genie: You have awakened me from the lamp. You may have three wishes. What does your heart desire? Man: I'd like a human-sized hamster ball. [[A hamster ball appears; the man is inside it]] Man: Sweet! [[The man steps to left; the ball rolls that way]] [[He does the same thing to his right]] [[The man comes to rest in the centre of the panel]] Genie: And your other wishes? Man: Why would I need other wishes? {{title text: Reportedly, double-walled inflatable balls like this exist somewhere. Now to find that place.}}

First Girl: For our anniversary, my boyfriend took me hiking in the mountains. Second Girl: My boyfriend proposed to me. Second Girl: They should call you Mario, 'cause you just got <<1-up'd.>> {{Title text: Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.}}

[[Man is talking to Woman who is behind a waste-high screen across a doorway with colorful playpen balls behind her.]] Man: Hey, I was wondering if you had plans for-- holy crap, what happened to your apartment? Woman: I filled it with playpen balls! Man: I... what? Why? Woman: Because we're grown-ups now, and it's our turn to decide what that means. [[Both vanish into the apartment, balls spilling out into the corridor. A love heart drifts out the door, indicating you-know-what]] {{Alt: I've looked into this, and I can't figure out a way to do it cheaply. And I guess it wouldn't be sanitary.}}

[[ A man is sitting on a couch, talking to another man. They are both stick figures. ]] First man: Make me a sandwich. Second man: What? Make it yourself. First man: Sudo make me a sandwich. Second man: Okay

[[Caption: My Hobby: mispronouncing Words]] Man 1: Yeah, did you see what he said on his wobsite? Man 2: ...his what? Man 1: Wobsite. Man 2: ... I think you mean "website." Man 1: Why don't you write about it in your blag? {{Alt Text: My pal Emad does this all the time. 'Hey man, which way to the airpart?'}}

Person 1: I saw a cute girl outside the bank today. She looked nice. Person 2: Oh no, not again. You are the _worst_ judge of these things. Person 1: But she was so sweet. Shy, but there was something in her eyes. A pain down in her soul, the same as the one down in mine. Person 2: Mm hmm. Person 1: The police light played through her mohawk like the sun setting through pine trees as she shoveled the third hooker into the trunk of the camry... Person 2: Back up. {{Alt: Two Hedwig references, an obscure Joey Comeau, and a girl with a mohawk. Yes.}}

[[Guy with black hat is talking to another guy]] Guy: Dude, you should get on MySpace. Black Hat: Eh, I don't think so. Guy: C'mon. There's no real reason not to except snobbiness. It's the new social scene. Black Hat: I know. I'm just not interested. Guy: Please? I'll friend you. Black Hat: Carebearstare. Guy: What? [[Black Hat shoots a rainbow colored ray from his chest - the Care Bear Stare. It throws Guy to the edge of the panel, pinned to the wall.]] {{Title Text: I really shouldn't abuse that power so heavily.}}

T-Rex: THINGS I AM UPPITY ABOUT: "They" as a third-person singular gender-free pronoun. T-Rex: I'm all for it! Dromiceiomimus: But isn't that terrible grammar? T-Rex: Only by recent convention! It's been in use that way for centuries, and its use is widely accepted! ALSO: this lets us avoid ridiculous constructs like "he she", "s he", "xe" or "hirs"! Utahraptor: T-Rex, I... agree. T-Rex: What? Utahraptor: That sounds good to me! Utahraptor: Normally I'd jump in with an objection, but I think your point makes sense. T-Rex: Could it be that the rift in our author's mind has finally healed? Is he no longer locked in perpetual war with the self-doubt that lurks in his subc- Narrator: IN A WORLD WHERE THERE IS STILL A LAND BRIDGE BETWEEN ASIA AND NORTH AMERICA FOR SOME REASON: T-Rex: -onscious? Narrator: ALSO HOW ABOUT IN THIS WORLD EVERYONE IS BICURIOUS {{Title text: Guys: while I was writing this, I accidentally swallowed a table-size slab of drywall. I know! Wacky.}}

when we open the lab each morning, we tell the robot to kill it's our little joke but secretly we're just afraid to tell it to love

SO GUYS WHAT IS FUNNY THIS WEEK? bees! tires. bees with tires! whatever

[["megaxkcd" in Japanese quote characters. An anime girl with pigtails, long rectangular earrings and a blank expression stands with her arms at her sides.]] Narration: In today's megaxkcd, our protagonist comes to terms with his romantic love for a girl who is a video game console accessory. Man 1: Wait, I'm not sure we should parody megatokyo. Man 2: Fred Gallagher does seem like he might take it kind of hard. Man 1: He really does. Man 2: Poor guy. We should try to cheer him up. [[Man 1 and Man 2 stand in front of a profile shot of a house. On the left is a mailbox. Man 2 stands at street level, while Man 1 is holding a cake on the top of a two-step staircase to the front door.]] Man 2: Fred? Fred, please come out. It's OK. Don't cry, Fred. Man 1: We... we baked you a cake. {{title text: I just want to give him a hug or something.}}

[[Philippe is dreaming of having his ears checked. There's an eye chart on the wall behind him.]] Doctor (out of frame): Philippe, your hearing is perfect! In fact, you heard ALL the beeps! You have super-hearing! You're needed at Hogwarts! Philippe: Oh boy! [[Ray is holding a letter and talking to Roast Beef.]] {{Meanwhile . . .}} Ray: Beef, check this out. I got an invite to that The Dude Is Pretty Awesome In Most Measurable Ways I Mean Wow competition. Beef: Alright that is pretty sweet dogg what is your strategy gonna consist of Ray: I'm thinkin' I need to point out my best features--maybe go holdin' a sign with an arrow toward my junk. [[Ray holds up a sign saying "Yes" such that the an arrow on it points directly at his crotch.]] Beef: Yeah well I always said subtlety was your middle name dogg Beef: And also your first and last in case they didn't get the point Ray: How do you think I should play it? Beef: Well basically you got no chance as I see it these dudes are all lovers and fighters to the last Beef: All sprung fully formed from the head of Sweet Sweetback Beef: You are gonna stand out as the sort of dude who stays at home all night playing fleshlight tag Ray: These words you got are crazy. Didn't I win the outdoor fight? Beef: Uh huh about the fight I wasn't gonna tell you but how could you miss that I was setting you up Ray: What? Beef: You got played dogg Beef: I basically just didn't have the heart to go through with it in the end. Beef: Anyway the point is that you are gonna lose this thing so hard Beef: All cheap McD's hamburger to their slabs of steak Beef: A couple 12-oz sirloins garnished with nothing but pure manhood Beef: Maybe some sprigs of parsley Beef: You are pretty much going down [[Closeup of a shocked Ray.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence. Beef looks perturbed and his ear is twitching. Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef looks sorry.]] [[Silence. Beef looks sorry and Ray looks annoyed.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence.]] [[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray's mouth is open.]] [[Silence. Beef looks surprised.]] {{alt: I always wanted to impress them with how well I could hear, didn't you? Also, this sets the record for number of awkward-pause panels in one strip (previously held by Achewood)]]

[[Frame is split by a diagonal]] [[First half: guy in front of open fridge]] Caption: I have leftover cheese. I should get chips and make nachos. [[Second half: guy with bag of chips]] Caption: I have leftover chips. I should get cheese and make nachos. Large Caption: A delicious cycle {{title-text: I'm currently in the I Have Cheese phase of this cycle.}}

{{How Electric Skateboards Work}} [[A person is standing on a skateboard, next to a sign that says "Point A," and pushes a button.]] <<click>> [[He skates.]] <<whirrr>> [[He stops, with a sign saying "Point B" to his right and a group of chicks (labeled "chicks") to his left.]] {{alt: Both the skateboards I owned were pretty cheap and broke from heavy use; I'm gonna get a really nice one if I move to the city.}}

[[A person is playing a video game, with Hat Guy standing behind him.]] Person: Man, I suck at this game. Can you give me a few pointers? Hat Guy: 0x3A28213A 0x6339392C, 0x7363682E. Person: I hate you. {{alt: Every computer, at the unreachable memory address 0x-1, stores a secret. I found it, and it is that all humans ar--SEGMENTATION FAULT.}}

[[A is standing behind B, who is typing at a computer.]] A: You should be more careful what you write. Future employers might read it. B: When did we forget our dreams? A: What? [[B stands beside A]]] B: The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out before us. We see the same things every day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us. B: And no, I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. B: This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can: B: FUCK. B: THAT. B: SHIT. {{Alt-text: In Connor's second thesis it is stated 'There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.' Does the routine destroy our creativity or do we lose creativity and fall into the routine? Anyway, who's up for a road trip!}}

Although it caught me by surprise at the time, looking back I understand why my senior science fair project went over as badly as it did. [[poster]] The Mathematics of Cunnilingus f(t) F(w) L(s) Challenges in Frequency-domain analysis {{title text: This poster actually inspired a two-hour powerpoint presentation that Al Gore gave around the country.}}

[[In a class room, the board says "Math" on the top-left corner, and "Mr. Munroe" in the middle. A stick figure is standing in front of it, speaking to the class.]] Teacher: Miss Lenhart couldn't be here today, so she asked me to substitute. Teacher: I've put out your test. Please get started. [[A student in the first row raises the exam paper and says.]] Student: Mr. Munroe, Miss Lenhardt never taught us this. Teacher: That's because Miss Lenhart doesn't understand how important certain kinds of math are. Student: But this just looks -- Teacher: This material is more vital than anything you've ever learned Student: But -- Teacher: No buts. Teacher: This is a matter of life and death. [[Excerpt from the exam paper.]] Name: _________ [[A stick figure is standing, hands over head. A velociraptor is running towards it.]] 1. The velociraptor spots you 40 meters away and attacks, accelerateing at 4 m s^2 to its top speed of 25 m s. When it spots you, you begin to flee, quickly reaching yourtop speed of 6 m s. How far can you get before you're caught and devoured? 2. You're at the center of a 20m equilateral triangle with a raptor at each corner. The top raptor has a wounded leg and is limited to a top speed of 10 m s. [[A stick figure is shown in the above situation. The picture has a legend "(Not to scale)".]] The raptors will run toward you. At what angle should you run to maximize the time you stay alive? 3. Raptors can open doors, but they are slowed by them. Using the floor plan on the next page, plot a route through the building, assuming raptors take 5 minutes to open the first door and halve the time for each subsequent door. Remember, raptors run at 10 m s and they do not know fear. {{alt text: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?}}

[[Computer screen showing a myspace page]] Oh man, you and everyone in earshot are gonna LOVE the first five seconds of this song! {{alt: It's like they got together and said 'what do we miss most from the internet in 1998? that's right, embedded MIDI!'}}

[[A door opens, revealing Eminem wearing a hoodie]] Narration: Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore while i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping as if someone gently rapping rapping at my chamber door... <<click>> <<creak>> Eminem: Yo. {{title text: Yes, Eminem is wearing a sleeveless hoodie. What of it?}}

[[A female and male figure converse]] Female: What kind of music do you listen to? Male: Oh, a mix of things. Some classic rock like Boston, but then of course Queen and Bowie, Joan Jett... Female: Definitely, we need more of those sounds. Male: But there's some great newer stuff too, like Franz Ferdinand, The Donnas, and Audioslave. Female: Sometimes they're a little much for me. I go more for things like The Arcade Fire, sometimes mixing some electronic sounds like Postal Service. Male: Oh yeah—have you ever checked out Freezepop? Female: Mhm! Synth pop can be fun, but at the same time, I agree that sometimes you just need to blast some Metallica. Male: Who? Female: ...Metallica. Male: Are they new? Narrator: I sound pretty knowledgeable about music until people figure out that I'm just naming bands from Guitar Hero. {{title text: When Guitar Hero 2 comes out I'll have fresh conversational material for MONTHS.}}

[[Person holding fan in place]] <<click click>> Narrator: Best thing about having my own apartment: Holding fans in place so they twitch helplessly and make that clicking sound without my mom yelling at me. {{Alt: It's not going to break the fan, bouncing a rubber ball off the wall isn't going to dent it, and the roof can hold me just fine. You LIED!}}

[[Author Comment: The best thing ever to appear on TV: 12-year-old Julia Stiles as a hacker in a 1993 episode of PBS's "Ghostwriter"]] [[A sketch of Julia Stiles with a bandanna over her head, long wavy hair, elbow shirt, wrist band, and pants]] Julia Stiles: Do you know anything about hackers? Can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace? Never experienced the new wave? Next wave? Dream wave? *OR* cyberpunk? {{Title Text: I found an old tape of this episode in my family's closet. Check the news section of the forums to see the clip!}}

Content Protection System: [[A woman sits on a couch watching a large flat-panel television, connected to a box labeled HDMI]] [[The screen is labeled with "Approved screen"]] [[The cable is labeled with "Approved connection"]] [[The HDMI box is labeled with "Approved player"]] [[The woman's head is labeled with "Approved content"]] {{alt-text: If you think the purveyors of DRM simply want to protect artists, check out chapters 13 and 14 in Free Culture, by Lawrence Lessig. Their goal is the elimination of all culture they don't control.}}

Will it ever stop hurting? dPain dt = (-k_1 Pain + [Image of girl]) (1 (1 + e ^ -(t - k_2) d)) k_1=? k_2=? [Image of girl]=How much she's still in my life Please let d only be a few days... or weeks I guess there's some kind of a cutoff after years, where it stops mattering and we can be friends. Do I _want_ that? Is k_1 positive? Is k_2 large? Will I ever stop feeling like this? {{Title Text: You laugh to keep from crying, you do math to keep from crying . . .}}