ABCD

[[Two characters are talking.]] Left: The Fermi Paradox keeps getitng worse. If planets are common, where is everybody? Right: Imagine you're a SCUBA diver looking at the ocean floor. Right: You know there's a fish there, but you can't see it. Why? [[The panel zooms out, ground dark beneath the characters.]] Left: Maybe the fish looks like sand. Right: Yeah ... [[The panel zooms out further, the entire Earth visible against the blackness of space.]] Right: ... And what would that tell you about the ecosystem? [[The Earth is silent.]] [[The Earth exits, stage left.]] [[This panel is completely black.]] [[A shark enters from stage right.]] {{Title text: [Astronomer peers into telescope] [Jaws theme begins playing]}}

[[A character is posed in a series of positions across a landscape. The implication is that the character is progressing forward in time towards the right side of the panel.]] I love these dreams [[The character leaps into the air, the word 'jump' above them.]] Each jump is a little longer [[They leap down a small incline, traveling a fair distance.]] Each push off the ground a little softer [[The character leaps a third time.]] Until I [[The character does not touch the ground again.]] G L I D E [[The character continues to hover over the landscape, above scrub grass, a wind barrier, sand dunes, and a beach. Birds can be seen in the distance as the character drifts out to sea.]] [[The character passes a small fish jumping.]] Character: ...I hope this is a dream. {{Title text: I hope I'm at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...}}

[[A signpost has had a third arrow added at the top, pointing up. The signs read:]] Space 62 Jackson 115 Memphis 98 {{Title text: That night, retired USAF pilots covertly replaced the '62' with '50'.}}

[[A lecturer is standing in front of a student at a desk.]] Lecturer: Imagine that you're drawing at random from an urn containing fifteen balls--six red and nine black. Student: Ok. I reach in and... ...My grandfather's ashes?!? Oh god! Lecturer: I... what? Student: Why would you do this to me?!? {{Title text: Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?}}

When someone posts a screenshot of their phone, [[Image depicts a phone screenshot as part of a post on a website. In the screenshot, the battery indicator is at 6%. The battery indicator portion of the screenshot is circled in bright red circles, and bright red exclamation marks have been added.]] I can't pay attention to the content if their battery is low. {{Title text: I'M PLUGGING IN MY PHONE BUT THE BATTERY ON THE SCREEN ISN'T CHARGING}}

A use for smartwatches: [[Two smartwatches are shown on the left side of the panel, with an arrow pointing to them saying "working"; an iPhone is shown on the right side, with another arrow saying "dead".]] [[A hacksaw cuts the iPhone in half across the shorter axis of the screen.]] [[The electronics and screens from the two smartwatches are removed from the bands and placed onto the iPhone halves.]] [[A hinge is installed between the two iPhone halves.]] [[The hinge is shown closing, folding the iPhone halves together, with the text "World's first flip iPhone".]] {{Title text: This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.}}

[[The panel is white ink on a black background. A character is staring at the ground.]] Character: Based on this decrease in the star's brightness, I believe it is orbited by at least one planet. Exoplanet astronomers at night {{Title text: Recently, some exoplanet astronomers have managed to use careful analysis of reflected light to discover Earth during the day.}}

[[A large person is talking to a small person, who is presumably young.]] Large: I can't imagine anyone who grew up on the Internet being able to run for President. Small: Why? Small: Because it'd mark the handover of a world that no longer needs you to a generation you don't understand? Small: ... or because there would be embarrassing pictures of us as teenagers? Large: Um. Large: The pictures one? Small: Pictures of teens! How will we even survive? {{Title text: Anyone who thinks we're all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.}}

[[Someone is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]] Someone: Ugh, TMI. [[From off panel, a voice speaks.]] Voice: Oh? What? Someone: Just... Someone: Everything. Voice: True. {{Title text: 'TMI' he whispered, gazing into the sea.}}

[[A TV presenter is at a desk in front of a picture of an arch.]] Presenter: ... And he went on to design the Gateway Arch, one of the most recognizable arches in St. Louis. Pet Peeve: Reporters unnecessarily hedging with "One of the" {{Title text: 'The world's greatest [whatever]' is subjective, but 'One of the world's greatest [whatever]s' is clearly objective. Anyway, that's why I got you this 'one of the world's greatest moms' mug!}}

[[One character is talking to another.]] Character: Installing things has gotten so fast and painless. Character: Why not skip it entirely, and make a phone that has every app "installed" already and just downloads and runs them on the fly? I felt pretty clever until I realized I'd invented webpages. {{Title text: But still, my scheme for creating and saving user config files and data locally to preserve them across reinstalls might be useful for--wait, that's cookies.}}

[[The world is shown, with a train on top. There's an arrow indicating the direction the world is rotating.]] Passenger: ... Almost ... A machine that grabs the Earth by metal rails and rotates it until the part you want is near you. {{Title text: Trains rotate the Earth around various axes while elevators shift its position in space.}}

[[Scientists are standing and sitting at a computer.]] Sitting: Imprinted on the sky Sitting: Are the gravity waves that were sloshing across the universe. [[The sitting character holds hands a short distance apart.]] Sitting: When it was this big . Sitting: So really, we're using the entire universe Sitting: As a giant microscope Sitting: Pointed at itself when it was small. [[Sitting turns to the computer.]] Standing: That's neat. Sitting: Yeah. But... Standing: But what? Sitting: Well, look. Standing: Oh. Hmm. Sitting: Yeah. Standing: What... Sitting: I don't know. [[ The final panel is a picture of the early universe, through a Mollweide projection. The lines typical of a basketball can be seen, as well as the word 'Spalding' ]] {{Title text: Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.}}

[[Two characters are talking.]] Left: What've you been up to? Right: Doing tons of math for my thesis. Left: Can you explain it like I'm five? Right: "Oh my God, where are your parents?" {{Title text: 'Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!' 'My parents are at their house; you visited last--' 'No, no, explain like you're five.'}}

[[Ad for a phone, with several factoids positioned around a picture of the device]] ((factoids listed here starting clockwise from the top)) -Runs custom blend of Android and iOS -Simulates alternative speed of light (default: 100 miles per hour) and adjusts clock as phone accelerates -Wireless -Accelerometer detects when phone is in freefall and makes it scream -When exposed to light, phone says "hi!" -FlightAware partnership: makes airplane noise when flights pass overhead -Realistic case -Clear screen -Side-facing camera Introducing the XKCD Phone -- Your mobile world just went digital® {{Title text: Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.}}

[[Two people are sitting on a stony hill. One is sitting on the ground, the other is lying back and looking at the sky.]] [[The first person turns to the other and says...] Person 1: When the French navy retired Morse code in 1997, they broadcast a final message: - "Calling all. This is our last cry before our eternal silence." [[They sit in silence for a moment.]] [[The first person puts their hand to their chin.]] Person 1: I wonder if I can find my Livejournal login. Person 2: Hey I like Livejournal. Person 1: It's a nice place to go for some peace and quiet, I suppose. {{Title text: Oh, because Facebook has worked out SO WELL for everyone.}}

[Person stands behind a podium labeled Google.] Person: The rumors are true. Google will be shutting down Plus-- Person: along with Hangouts, Photos, Voice, Docs, Drive, Maps, Gmail, Chrome, Android, and Search-- Person: to focus on our core project: Person: the 8.8.8.8 DNS server. {{Title text: The less popular 8.8.4.4 is slated for discontinuation.}}

[[A cutaway view of a "ground" which is actually made up of layers labeled with various groups of files as one might see on a random person's computer fills the frame, such as "Documents, 47 GB" and "High School Zip Disk, 94 MB". A small crevice leads down through the middle, to a cave-like area where a figure stands looking through the smallest grouping of files. A second figure with long hair stands at ground level, looking down into the crevice.]] Long-haired Figure: You okay down there? Subterranean Figure: Oh my god. I wrote *poetry*. {{Title text: Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.}}

[[A flow chart. First box says, 'Alarm goes off' which leads with a straight arrow to the next box, reading 'BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP'. One curved arrow leads from this box back to itself. Another leads in the opposite direction to a box that says, '"???"'. From that an arrow leads down to 'Answer phone in dream', which leads to 'talk', which leads to 'hang up', which leads back to 'BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP'.]] My problem with phone alarms {{Title text: Who's calling me?? WHY IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLING ME!?}}

[[Two people are in a field. One is kneeling on the grass, looking at a laptop on the ground. Another is facing the other direction, holding a book open to the sky.]] Computer: [Target located] Person #1: Got him. - Left edge, two inches down. The National Reconnaissance Office has an unusual approach to Where's Waldo . {{Title text: 'DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.' 'Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.'}}

[[A person speaking to the reader.]] Person: Public Service Announcehment: The *right to free speech* means the government can't arrest you for what you say. [[Close-up on person's face.]] Person: It doesn't mean that anyone else has to listen to your bullshit, - or host you while you share it. [[Back to full figure.]] Person: The 1st Amendment doesn't shield you from criticism or consequences. [[Close-up.]] Person: If you're yelled at, boycotted, have your show canceled, or get banned from an internet community, your free speech rights aren't being violated. [[Person, holding palm upward.]] Person: It's just that the people listening think you're an asshole, [[A door that is ajar.]] Person: And they're showing you the door. {{Title text: I can't remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you're saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it's not literally illegal to express.}}

[A line graph labeled 'How Well I Understand Orbital Mechanics:'. The x-axis is labeled 'time -->'. The line starts slightly above 0 at the y-axis and increases very little until a point at which it peaks slightly, labeled 'took high school physics'. It decreases slightly for a while and then increases significantly over a short period of time, the peak of which is labeled 'got physics degree'. It dips shallowly for a while, then starts to increase slightly for a time, labeled 'actual job at NASA'. The line starts to slope downward again, and then shoots up very, very high. The beginning of this increase is labeled 'started playing Kerbal Space Program'.]] {{Title text: To be fair, my job at NASA was working on robots and didn't actually involve any orbital mechanics. The small positive slope over that period is because it turns out that if you hang around at NASA, you get in a lot of conversations about space.}}

[[A little propeller plane toting a banner from behind that reads, 'Adriamycin, one of our most poten chemotherapy drugs, come from the dirt from an Italian castle.']] MY HOBBY: Breaking into airplane hangars and replacing the ads on their giant banners with cool facts. {{Title text: PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.}}

How the Heartbleed Bug Works: [[Meg stands by a server. There's a thought bubble arising from the server showing the data the server is currently processing, including a portion that states "User Meg wants these six letters: POTATO."]] Meg: Server, are you still there? If so, reply "POTATO" (6 letters). [[The 6 letters "POTATO" are highlighted yellow in the server's thought bubble, and the server emits "POTATO".]] [[The phrase "User Meg wants these 4 letters: BIRD." is in the server's thought bubble with other data around it, with "BIRD" highlighted. The server is emitting "BIRD".]] Meg: Hmm... [[The phrase "User meg wants these 500 letters: HAT." is in the server's thought bubble, along with other data around it.]] Meg: Server, are you still there? IF so, reply "HAT" (500 letters). [["HAT" and many more characters after it in the thought bubble are highlighted, and the server emits a long string of text starting with "HAT" but then including much more other unrelated data. Meg is busily writing it down in a notebook.]] {{Title text: Are you still there, server? It's me, Margaret.}}

[[Two people are walking along, one is looking at her phone.]] Person 1: Heartbleed must be the worst web security lapse ever. Person 2: Worst so far. Give us time. [[Still walking, first person is now holding her phone at her side.]] Person 1: I mean, this bg isn't just broken encryption. It lets website visitors make a server dispense random memory contents. [[They stop walking and face each other.]] Person 1: It's not just keys. It's traffic data. Emails. Passwords. Erotic fanfiction. Person 2: Is everything compromised? [[They begin walking again.]] Person 1: Well, the attack is limited to data stored in computer memory. Person 2: So paper is safe. And clay tablets. Person 1: Our imaginations, too. Person 2: See, we'll be fine. {{Title text: I looked at some of the data dumps from vulnerable sites, and it was ... bad. I saw emails, passwords, password hints. SSL keys and session cookies. Important servers brimming with visitor IPs. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, c-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. I should probably patch OpenSSL.}}

[[A child and an adult are walking across a grassy park with puddles strewn across it and trees nearby.]] Child: What was before the Big Bang? Adult: I think time began with the Big Bang. So it doesn't make sense to ask what came before it. From offscreen: Look out! [[A cosmologist on a tire swing comes swinging by the pair.]] Cosmologist: Wheeeee hi I'm a cosmologist on a tire swing! [[The cosmologist swings back the other way.]] Cosmologist: We don't know whether time-- [[Another swing the other direction...]] Cosmologist: --started at the Big Bang. [[Another swing.]] Cosmologist: It might have! [[Another swing.]] Cosmologist: Or maybe not! We don't know! Adult: Oh. Ok! [[Another swing.]] Child: ...your tire swing looks fun! Cosmologist: I can't stop! [[Continues swinging.]] Child: Won't the swing stop on its own? Cosmologist: I thought it would but it seems to be accelerating. Child: Cosmology sounds pretty confusing. Cosmologist: Wheeeee! {{Title text: No matter how fast I swing, I can never travel outside this loop! Maybe space outside it doesn't exist! But I bet it does. This tire came from somewhere.}}

[[A pair of violets, colored red.]] Violets are red [[A blue rose.]] And roses are blue [[Two people stand on a stage. Between them is a table, on which rests the two flowers under a translucent cover. One is at a podium with a microphone.]] Person 1: When metamaterials [[The person at the microphone removes the cover to reveal the flowers are the opposite colors.]] Person 1: Alter their hue. {{Title text: If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people's Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.}}

((This April Fools' Day comic has a dynamic panel structure along the lines of a choose-your-own-adventure format - the viewer is presented with up to 4 options for each bit of dialogue, with each choice opening up a new subtree of potential options for the next bit of dialog, and new panel images are chosen semi-randomly based on a graph of potential panel transitions. Readers were also invited to submit dialog options for trees where there were not yet 4 fixed options, thus growing the potential story space. As such there is no fixed transcript for this comic.)) {{Title text: Every choice, no matter how small, begins a new story.}}

[[A person is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]] Person: What I'm trying to do is really simple. It shouldn't be hard. [[Someone off-screen speaks.]] Off-screen: All computers are just carefully organized sand. Everything is hard until someone makes it easy. [[The person leans back in their chair.]] [[The person lifts the laptop off the desk, examining it like a book.]] Person: Maybe I should turn this one back into sand. Off-screen: I'll find a blowtorch. {{Title text: (six hours later) ARGH. How are these stupid microchips so durable?! All I want is to undo a massive industrial process with household tools!}}

[[An adult and a child are standing around, looking at cellphones.]] Child: Do you remember before the internet? Adult: Oh yeah, totally. [[The two look towards each other, no longer actively looking at their phones.]] Child: What was it like? Adult: Not having a phone or computer to distract you? Child: Yeah. [[Conversation continues.]] Adult: It was SO. BORING. All the time. I just *sat* there. It was the *worst*. [[Adult goes back to looking at phone.]] Child: But wasn't it, like, more fulfilling? Engaging? Adult: Wasn't worth it. Child: I still get bored. Adult: Not like we did. {{Title text: We watched DAYTIME TV. Do you realize how soul-crushing it was? I'd rather eat an iPad than go back to watching daytime TV.}}

[[A physical bell-curve-shaped object labeled "Student's t distribution" is resting on a table. A figure is working with it and a piece of paper.]] Figure: hmm [[The figure looks at the piece of paper.]] Figure: ...nope. [[The figure picks up the object and begins to walk off the panel with it.]] [[The figure comes back onto the panel, now carrying an object shaped like a much more complex curve, with many symmetric spikes and dips, labeled "Teacher's t distribution".]] {{Title text: If data fails the Teacher's t test, you can just force it to take the test again until it passes.}}

[[A figure stands facing a desk, behind which another figure is sitting in a desk chair.]] Standing Figure: It would start with five minutes of peeling lint from dryer traps, followed by an hour of pressing a lightsaber handle against things and switching it on. Then I'd retire to a life of luxury. When people ask me to describe my dream job, I'm never sure how realistic to be. {{Title text: They'd convince me to come out of retirement for one last job: biting into a giant lump of slightly soft wax a couple of times.}}

[[Two figures are walking and talking to each other.]] Figure One: Humans are defined by our curiosity, our hunger for answers. Figure Two: We all spend a third of our lives lying down with our eyes closed and *nobody knows why.* Figure One: ...touché. {{Title text: Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is 'because we get sleepy'.}}

[[A first figure is walking past a second.]] First Figure: The talk is in room 8224. Second Figure: Ooh, nice. First Figure: What? Second Figure: ...sorry. Nothing. Great, now I'll spend the rest of my life noticing numbers that would make good 2048 combos. {{Title text: It's taken me 20 years to get over skyline tetris.}}

[[A horizontal line has four points labeled on it, with the second point from the left marked with a dashed vertical line dividing the horizontal line into two parts. An arrow labeled "Solve problems" points left from the vertical line. An arrow labeled "Create problems" points right from the vertical line. The points are labeled, from left to right, "Tools that don't need a manual", "Tools that need a manual", "Tools that need a manual but don't have one", and "Tools whose manual starts with 'how to read this manual'".]] {{Title text: The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a 'quick guide' to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. 'Don't despair', it says, 'the definitions below are annotated.'}}

((All of the panels of this comic are white-on-black.)) [[Two figures stand facing each other, looking up at the sky.]] Figure One: Just think - the light from that start was emitted thousands of years ago. It could be long gone. [[Figure One looks at Figure Two, who is still looking up.]] Figure Two: That's Sirius. It's eight light-years away. [[Figure One looks up again.]] Figure One: Oh. [[The two figures look at one another.]] Figure One: Just think - the light from that star was emitted in the previous presidential administration. Figure Two: Hmm, doesn't pack quite the punch. {{Title text: 'The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old' is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.}}

WYSIWYG What you see is what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains an italic "Hi", the second labeled "What you get:" contains an italic "Hi".]] WYSINWYG What you see is not what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "<em>Hi< em>", the second labeled "What you get:" contains an italic "Hi".]] WYSITUTWYG What you see is totally unrelated to what you get [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "<em>Hi< em>", the second labeled "What you get:" contains "The HORSE is a noble animal."]] WYSIHYD What you see is how you die [[Two boxes, the first labeled "What you see:" contains "EATEN BY WOLVES" as white text on a black background, the second labeled "What you get:" without a border is says "eaten by wolves".]] {{Title text: m-x machineofdeath-mode}}

[[One figure is excitedly speaking to two others.]] Excited Figure: Whoa, it's 2014-03-10! Under our system, that date will *never happen again!!* My hobby: pointing this out every day. {{Title text: If our current civilization lasts another 8,000 years, it's probably fair to assume the Long Now Foundation got things right, and at some point we started listening to them and switched to five-digit years.}}

[[Two characters are talking. One has visible hair, the other does not.]] Hair: You assumed? Hair: You know what happens when you assume-- None: I don't. Yet you're confidently asserting that I do. Hair: ...Oh. Hm. None: Check and mate. {{Title text: You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.}}

Earth's LAND MAMMALS By Weight [[A graph in which one square equals 1,000,000 tons. Dark grey squares represent humans, light gray represent our pets and livestock, and green squares represent wild animals. The squares are arranged in a roughly round shape, with clusters for each type of animal. Animals represented: Humans, cattle, pigs, goats (39 squares), sheep, horses (29 squares), elephants (1 square). There are other small, unlabeled clusters also. It is clear that humans and our pets & livestock outweigh wild animals by at least a factor of 10. ]] {{Title text: Bacteria still outweigh us thousands to one--and that's not even counting the several pounds of them in your body.}}

[[A white-on-black drawing of the ISEE-3 ICE probe.]] The ISEE-3 ICE probe was launched in 1978. Its mission ended in 1997 and it was sent a shutdown signal. [[Back to black-on-white text.]] In 2008, we learned--to our surprise--that the probe didn't shut down. It's still running and it has plenty of fuel. ...and in 2014, its orbit brings it near Earth. [[Two figures talking.]] Figure 1: We could sent it on a new mission... except we no longer have the equipment to send commands to it. Figure 2: Can't we- [[Camera frame closes in slightly on the first figure.]] Figure 1: NASA won't rebuild it. "Too expensive." Figure 2: Seriously? Figure 2: I know, right? So the internet found the specs and we went to work. [[Camera zooms out as the two figures walk through an area with two other figures seated at desks working on laptops; one of the seated figures is wearing a headset.]] Figure 1: We've convinced them to give us time on the Madrid DSN transmitter and hacked the maser to support the uplink. And today's the big day. [[Camera focuses on the figure with the headset.]] Headset Operator 1: Transmitting... We have a signal! We have control! [[Camera flips back to the first figure.]] Figure 1: Okay, transmit the new comet rendezvous maneuver sequen- Off screen: What the hell? [[Camera zooms back out to show all four figures.]] Headset Operator 1: My console went dead! Operator 2: Mine too! Figure 1: What's happening? [[Camera back to figure with headset, staring at screen.]] Headset Operator 1: There's a new signal going out over the transmitter! Figure 1 (from offscreen): A bug? Headset Operator 1: Someone else is in the system! [[Camera switches to the second operator.]] Operator 2: Kill the connection! Headset Operator 1 (from offscreen): I can't find it! Operator 2: They're firing the probe's engines! Headset Operator 1 (from offscreen): No!! [[Camera switches back to the headset operator.]] Figure 1 (from offscreen): Who's doing this?? Stop them! Operator 2 (from offscreen): I'm trying! Headset Operator 1: Look! My screen! [[The camera zooms back to show all of them, and a message is being shown on the headset operator's screen, in red.]] M-E-S-S-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-B-E-S-T D-I-E-L-I-K-E-T-H-E-R-E-S-T [[Camera cuts to a pool with two figures in it.]] [[Camera zooms out to show that the pool is on the roof of a downtown building. We see the figures' speech coming from it.]] Burn: Crash? Crash: Yeah, Burn? [[Same skyline view.]] Burn: Make a wish. [[A meteor passes through the sky above the city skyline.]] {{Title text: HACK THE STARS}}

[[Two "Transformer"-esque robots are visible.]] First Robot: Transform! [[Both robots run to the right.]] [[Each robot reaches a tree and begins to climb it.]] [[The camera focuses on the nearer of the two robots, which is placing itself into a chrysalis hanging from the tree branch.]] {{Title text: A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.}}

[[A circle consisting of many rings with a projection of the surface of the earth in the center. The outermost ring is split into a yellow semi-circle labeled at the top with "noon" and a gray semi-circle labeled at the bottom with "midnight," with "6 AM" on the left and "6 PM" on the right. A second ring immediately inside the outer ring has two sections labeled, one "Rude to call" and the other "Business hours (9-5)" - the rest of that ring is blank. Various other rings contain labels for various places on and portions of the Earth, for instance continents and city names.]] ((Everything except the outer two rings in the image rotate such that the time markers on the outside correspond to the approximate times in the locations of the world aligned with them.)) {{Title text: This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com now}}

[[A figure stands in a desert, looking at a rock in front of it.]] Rock: Greetings, stranger. Whatever quest drives you, abandon it. You shall find no answers in these desolate wastes. Figure: I knew I wouldn't. I guess I... just had to see. I hate feeling desperate enough to visit the second page of Google results. {{Title text: Let me just scroll down and check behind that rock. Annnnd ... nope, page copyright year starts with '19'. Oh God, is this a WEBRING?}}

[[A man and a woman sit at an intimate dinner table. They have plates and glasses of wine in front of them.]] Man: So, did you grow up around here? Woman: I love you. Man: ... huh? Woman: Waiter! One of everything on the menu. [[The woman stands up. She's holding the plate.]] Man: Why are you up there? Woman: I'm stuck. This plate looks delicious. Aaaoogaoag. [[The woman has put the plate down and walked off-panel.]] Woman: Bye. OK. Coming back now. [[The woman is crouched on her chair, holding a spiral.]] Man: You're being controlled by Twitch, aren't you? Woman: Check out this cool spiral! Man: It's- Woman: SAVING. {{Title text: I sympathize with the TPP protagonist because I, too, have progressed through a surprising number of stages of life despite spending entire days stuck against simple obstacles.}}

[[A figure in a white hat stands talking to another.]] White hat guy: Yeah, but if I'm considerate toward one person about one thing, what's next? Being nice to other people about other things? Where does it end? {{Title text: Sure, taking a few seconds to be respectful toward someone about something they care about doesn't sound hard. But if you talk to hundreds of people every day and they all start expecting that same consideration, it could potentially add up to MINUTES wasted. And for WHAT?}}

[[A grid of individual text items, five columns wide by ten rows tall. Each describes a particular event, and periodically individual items flash to full opacity before gradually fading again, indicating the average frequency of each occurring.]] ((First row: heartbeat, one birth, one death, someone edits Wikipedia, someone buys a vibrator.)) ((Second row: China builds a car, Japan builds a car, Germany builds a car, the US builds a car, someone else builds a car.)) ((Third row: a European Union resident has their first kiss, a US fire department puts out a fire, someone hits a hole-in-one, my turn signal blinks, the turn signal of the car in front of me blinks.)) ((Fourth row: earthquake (magnitude 1), earthquake (magnitude 2), earthquake (magnitude 3), earthquake (magnitude 4), member of the UK parliament flushes a toilet.)) ((Fifth row: an airline flight takes off, someone buys To Kill a Mockingbird, someone's pet cat kills a mockingbird, someone in Phoenix buys new shoes, someone in Phoenix puts on a condom.)) ((Sixth row: someone locks their keys in their car, a Sagittarius named Amelia drinks a soda, a dog bites someone in the US, someone steals a bicycle, a bald eagle catches a fish.)) ((Seventh row: 50000 plastic bottles are produced, 50000 plastic bottles are recycled, a bright meteor is visible somewhere, old faithful erupts, a fishing boat catches a shark.)) ((Eighth row: someone in the US is diagnosed with cancer, someone in the US dies from cancer, someone adopts a dog from a shelter, someone adopts a cat from a shelter, someone gets married.)) ((Ninth row: someone registers a domain, someone in the US buys a house, someone in the US gets a tattoo, the star PSR J1748-2446AD rotates 1000 times, someone lies about their age to sign up for Facebook.)) ((Tenth row: someone breaks an iPhone screen, a little league player strikes out, someone has sex in North Dakota, Justin Bieber gains a follower on Twitter, someone in Denver orders a pizza.)) {{Title text: This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.}}

[[A woman and black hat guy sit at desks, their backs to each other, each using a laptop.]] Woman: Ever hear of the Kola borehole? Black hat guy: No - what's that? Woman: A Soviet project to drill deap into the earth's crust. [[The woman turns around; we see her head and shoulders.]] Woman: There's a hoax report claiming that their drill broke through into a superhot cavern, and when they lowered a microphone into the hole, they heard tormented screaming. People say that's why the miners sealed the well and abandoned the project. [[The woman turns back to her laptop.]] Black hat guy: Why would anyone believe that story? Woman: I guess some people think Hell is literally an underground place. [[Black hat guy turns around and addresses the woman.]] Black hat guy: No - I mean, why would the miners seal the opening? Why not just dig a canal connecting it to the ocean? Unless they like Hell. [[The woman turns back around.]] Woman: ... If there's ever a war between earth and Hell, I hope I'm on your side. Black hat guy: You seem nice; you probably won't be. {{Title text: Tonight's top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.}}

[[One figure stands at the left side of the frame, watching a second figure chase a deer that has a laptop strapped to its back.]] Second Figure: Humans aren't built to sit all day. This is much healthier. My hobby: one-upping the standing desk people. {{Title text: At first I was making fun of them, but joke's on me--the deer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.}}

[[A figure sits at a desk. A message is being displayed on the figure's laptop screen. It reads "Urgent: critical update available!"]] [[The message continues. "Details: Fixes an issue that was causing random laptop electrical fires."]] (This update will require restarting your computer.) [[The figure clicks on "Remind me later."]] {{Title text: I have a bunch of things open right now.}}

[[Black Hat sits at a desk. A voice speaks from off panel, in front of Black Hat.]] Off Panel Voice: CNN hired you to improve viewership. [[Black Hat continues sitting at the desk.]] Black Hat Guy: ...yes, and? [[Next panel, conversation continues.]] Off Panel Voice: You texted "holy crap, turn on the news" to a million random phone numbers? Black Hat Guy: It sure did work. Off Panel Voice: Not what we meant! {{Title text: We're firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.}}

[[The character is sitting on a throne, talking to a minion who's not shown in the panel.]] Minion: The prisoner escaped and is swimming toward the mainland! Leader: Release the sharks. Minion: Yes, sir. Minion: The sharks are swimming away. Leader: They're escaping, too? Send sharks after them! Minion: Now those sharks are swimming away. Leader: More sharks. Minion: ... sir, what's going on? Leader: Prisoners, of course! Can't let 'em escape! Minion: Sir, are you trying to turn Doom Island into a marine biology center? Leader: Shark populations are in decline-- Leader: *ahem* Leader: I mean, the world must fear us! Minion: Right... {{Title text: 'Now, minions, I'm off to inspect our shark cages.' 'Do you really need to inspect them this often?' 'PRISONERS MUST NEVER ESCAPE.'}}

[[Two people are walking.]] Person #1: Women say they want nice guys, but what they really want are-- Person #2: --guys who respond to rejection by belittling their judgment and self-awareness? If so, don't worry -- you'll be fine . {{Title text: Perhaps you need a crash course in taking hints. Here's your first lesson: We're not actually walking somewhere together; I'm trying to leave this conversation and you're following me.}}

[[Shorthair and Cueball are talking.]] Shorthair: So, how 'bout this weather? Cueball: I know, right? The whole jet stream layer is nuts! Shorthair: Um, sure... Cueball: The 18z GFS forecasts 960MB by Tuesday, Think it'll verify? Shorthair: What? Cueball: ...right. Sorry. Uh, yeah. Weather sure has been crazy. Weather geeks have it tough. {{Title text: At least if you're really into, like, Turkish archaeology, store clerks aren't like 'hey, how 'bout those Derinkuyu underground cities!' when they're trying to be polite.}}

[[A standing figure is conversing with another figure who is sitting on computer desk chair. Behind the sitting figure is a desk with a flat-panel monitor.]] Standing figure: Alice sends a message to Bob saying to meet her somewhere. Sitting figure: Uh huh. Standing figure: But Eve sees it, too, and goes to the place. Sitting figure: With you so far. Standing figure: Bob is delayed, and Alice and Eve meet. Sitting figure: Yeah? I've discovered a way to get computer scientists to listen to any boring story. {{Title text: Changing the names would be easier, but if you're not comfortable lying, try only making friends with people named Alice, Bob, Carol, etc.}}

[[Two figures, one in a winter hat and the other in a beret, are walking through snow and across a patch of ice.]] Beret Figure: The sky is cold and the floor water is too hard to drink. [[The figure with the beret looks upwards.]] Beret Figure: But I have my handcoats and the spacelight is warm. [[The two figures continue on through woods; there are musical notes coming from the trees.]] Beret Figure: Listen - the flappy planes are beeping in the stick towers. [[The figure with the winter hat pauses.]] Hat Figure: Those are all the wrong words for those things. ((Beret Figure replies from off panel.)) Beret Figure: Maybe - but the things themselves are all right. So who cares? [[The figure with the winter hat continues walking, with sunlight and musical notes above.]] {{Title text: Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!}}

[[Two figures in winter hats, one hat white and the other hat black, are walking.]] White Hat: It is brutal out. So much for global warming, huh? <<Black Hat sighs>> Black Hat: This used to happen all the time. White Hat: What? [[A picture of an x-y plot, with years from 1970 to 2014 along the x-axis and dots rising up for each year, mostly concentrated from 1970 to 1999. The plot is labeled "Days with lows < 0°F".]] Black Hat: You're from St. Louis, right? On average, it used to get below 0°F there a handful of days per year. But you haven't had a day like that since the nineties. [[The two figures continue walking.]] Black Hat: Then, in 2014, when the first polar vortex hit, it dipped below zero for two days. And everyone freaked out because what used to be normal now feels too cold. White Hat: It is too cold! [[Panel labeled "The future:" contains a generic figure, looking at a frozen puddle on the ground.]] Figure: Look at this - ice! In St. Louis! So much for global warming. <<off-panel sigh>> {{Title text: 'You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--' 'Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?' 'Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.'}}

When a network tries to be everyone's one-stop hub, the Walmart of social interaction... [[Two figures stand in a department store. One is holding some items in their right arm and waving at the other, who is pushing a shopping cart.]] Figure 1: Oh, uh, hi! Funny running into you here. Figure 2: Oh, hey! Yeah! How've you been? ...it inevitably becomes the Walmart of social interaction. {{Title text: What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.}}

"I spend a lot of time on this task. I should write a program automating it!" [[Panel titled "Theory:" at the top contains a line plot, with "work" on the y-axis and "time" on the x-axis. Two curves indicate "work on the original task" eventually being permanently reduced by temporarily spending more work on coding, and then having the produced automation take over.]] [[Panel titled "Reality:" at the top contains a similar line plot, but the line for "work on the original task" does not decrease. The second curve, which starts out as "writing code", becomes "debugging", "rethinking", and then "ongoing development". The line for work on the original task becomes dotted, with the label "no time for original task anymore."]] {{Title text: 'Automating' comes from the roots 'auto-' meaning 'self-', and 'mating', meaning 'screwing'.}}

((The text of the comic is circular. Each statement is followed by the next, wrapping around back to the original speaker. Thus, the speaker chosen to be "first" below is chosen arbitrarily - in this case, the one that is facing upwards on the page.)) [[6 figures stand on the surface of a circle, equidistant around it.]] First figure: Actually, measurements suggest it's flat. Second figure: Actually, it's a sphere. Third figure: Actually, it's an oblate spheroid. Fourth figure: Actually, it's a shape defined by the EGM96 coefficients. Fifth figure: Actually, it's that plus local topography. Sixth figure: Actually, it's embedded in a universe that's curved. ((And thus the text has arrived back at the beginning of the first figure's statement.)) {{Title text: Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you'll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.}}

[[A figure sits in front of a laptop, apparently talking to it.]] Figure: I feel paralyzed by overwhelming existential dread. ...And yet for some reason I'm really excited about space? The thief who stole my identity has a lot to deal with. {{Title text: Is he ALSO wondering at what point our thoughts diverged, if they even have yet? 'dude, I think he just took your credit card' AM I THE ORIGINAL? HOW DO I TELL?}}

[[A figure sits at a desk with a laptop. A woman is off-screen.]] Figure: Argh! Woman: What? Figure: Why do I always have these inexplicable, impossible-to-diagnose computer problems? [[The woman walks up to the desk.]] Figure: After six hours of this, I've concluded nothing works or makes sense. I give up on logic. Woman: <<sigh>>Gimme. I'll figure it out. Figure: You won't. [[The figure sits at his laptopless desk. Off-screen, we can hear the woman working on it. <<Type type>> <<Click>> Woman: ? <<Type type type>> Woman: ??? [[The woman is back in front of the desk, clutching the laptop.]] Figure: How'd it go? Woman: Your computer is literally haunted. Figure: Told you. {{Title text: 'It has a ghost in it. Take it back.' 'No.'}}

[[A woman and a man are out for a walk.]] Woman: Horace Lamb said he would have two questions for God: Why quantum mechanics, and why turbulence? Man: I'd have just one: What did Miss Susie's steamboat DO?! {{Title text: What sins could possibly darken the heart of a STEAMBOAT? I asked The Shadow, but he says he only covers men.}}

[[A man in a hat stands next to another figure on a roof. There's a sunset; in the distance, there are three people taking photos of the skyline as the sun sets.]] Hat guy: Ugh, I hate how people take pictures instead of just enjoying the view. Figure: Why? [[Hat guy turns to the figure.]] Hat guy: Documenting your live distracts you from living it. You're not really- Figure: Oh, come on. [[We zoom on their faces.]] Figure: Trying to take a picture of a thing makes me pay more attention to it. Some of my best adventures are built around trying to photograph something. [[We just see the figure's face.]] Figure: If "other people having experiences incorrectly" is annoying to you, think how unbearable it must be to have a condescending stranger tell you they hate the way you're experiencing your life at just the moment you've found something you want to remember. Why the fuck do you care how someone else enjoys a sunset? [[We zoom back out.]] Hat guy: Well, they... Because I just, uh... ... [[The figure takes out a camera.]] Figure's camera: <<Click>> {{Title text: I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there's nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.}}

[[A woman sits at a laptop, leaning back over her chair to address a figure.]] Regex golf: Woman: You try to matchone one group but not the other. M | [TN]|B matches Star Wars subtitles but not Star Trek. Figure: Cool. [[We zoom to just show the woman, looking at her screen.]] Meta-regex golf: Woman: So I wrote a program that plays regex golf with arbitrary lists... Figure: Uh oh... [[We zoom back out. The figure is facepalming. The woman is typing.]] Meta-meta-regex golf: Woman: ...but I lost my code, so I'm grepping for files that look like regex golf solvers. [[We zoom back in.]] ... And beyond: Woman: Really, this is all (meta-)*regex golf . Figure: Now you have infinite problems. Woman: No, I had those already. {{Title text: bu|[rn]t|[coy]e|[mtg]a|j|iso|n[hl]|[ae]d|lev|sh|[lnd]i|[po]o|ls matches the last names of elected US presidents but not their opponents.}}

[[Two people are conversing.]] Person #1: Code written in Haskell is guaranteed to have no side effects. Person #2: ...because no one will ever run it? {{Title text: The problem with Haskell is that it's a language built on lazy evaluation and nobody's actually called for it.}}

((This is a series of quotes from various people of various timeframes. The sections surrounded by two dashes (--) are bolded. Each quote is followed by the author, the document of publication if applicable, and the year)) It is desirable -every thing printed should be preserved,- for we -cannot now tell how useful it may become- two centuries hence. Christopher Baldwin 1834 I predict that a century hence the -Canadian People- will be -the noblest specimens of humanity on the face of the Earth- Rev. John Bredin 1863 In the twenty-first century -mankind will subsist entirely upon jellies.- The Book Lover 1903 The twenty-first century baby is destined to be rocked and cradled by electricity, warmed and coddled by electricity, perhaps fathered and mothered by electricity. -Probably the only thing he will be left to do unaided will be to make love- Mrs. John Lane, The Fortnightly 1905 To-day, in the city of New York, sixty-six different tongues are spoken. -A century hence, there will probably only be one- The American Historical Magazine 1907 I often think -what interesting history we are making for the student of the twenty-first century- William Carey Jones 1908 China may be a -great shoe market- a decade or a century from now Boot and Shoe Recorder 1914 By the twenty-first century I believe -we shall all be telepaths.- Gumbriel, Character in Antic Hay 1923 The physician of the twenty-first century... May even criticize the language of the times, and may find that -some of our words have become as offensive to him as the term "lunatic" has become offensive to us.- Dr. C. Macfie Cambpbell 1924 Historians of the twenty-first century will look back with well-placed scorn on the -shallow-minded days- of the early twentieth century -when football games and petting parties were considered the most important elements of a college education.- Mary Eileen Ahern, Library Bureau 1926 -In the year A.D. 2014- journalists will be writing on the centenary of the Great War-- -That is, if there has not been a Greater War- F.J.M, The Journalist 1934 {{Title text: Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman's Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the 'Shakesperian Rope Bridges' are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself 'Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges', is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825}}

[[In the center of the panel are the large words 'GOLDBACH CONJECTURES'. Around it are six boxes: two above it, and two on each side, one below the other. They read: Weak: Every odd number greather than 5 is the sum of three primes. Strong: Every even number greater than 2 is the sum of two primes. Very weak: Every number greater than 7 is the sum of two other numbers. Very strong: Every odd number is prime. Extremely weak: Numbers just keep going . Extremely strong: There are no numbers above 7. {{Title text: The weak twin primes conjecture states that there are infinitely many pairs of primes. The strong twin primes conjecture states that every prime p has a twin prime (p+2), although (p+2) may not look prime at first. The tautological prime conjecture states that the tautological prime conjecture is true.}}

[[A woman stands at a desk, reading a book, touching it very gingerly. Another figure is standing behind her.]] Figure: Why are you turning the pages like that? Woman: If I touch the wrong thing, I'll lose my place and have to start over. If books worked like infinite-scrolling webpages {{Title text: Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a 'back' button. 'Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago' might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.}}

[[Three figures sit around a large spectrum histogram, which has a general upward trend towards the infrared portion of the spectrum as well as a spike in that portion. To the right of the figures is a triangular shape approximating that of a Christmas tree made out of smaller spectrum histograms, each with spikes in places corresponding to the red or green sections of the visible spectrum. At the top is a final spectrum of whiter light.]] {{Title text: Merry Christmas from xkcd!}}

[[4 carollers stand in a line, singing songs.]] Carollers: 12 best drummers of all time Carollers: 11 pipers whose jaw-droppingly good piping will make you cry Carollers: You won't believe what these 10 lords leap over Carolers outside the Buzzfeed offices perform "12 weird things I actually got for Christmas" {{Title text: The 6 Weirdest Objects The Buzzfeed Writers Are Throwing Out Their Windows At Us}}

[[A graph with a sine wave plotted on it. The y-axis is marked 'Odds that a word I type will start with some weird symbol' and the x-axis is marked 'Time ---->'. The first peak is labeled '$QBasic, the first trough is labeled 'C++'. The next peak is marked '$Bash, @$Perl, the next trough is marked 'Python'. The final peak says '+Google, @Twitter, #Hashtags'.]] {{Title text: The cycle seems to be 'we need these symbols to clarify what types of things we're referring to!' followed by 'wait, it turns out words already do that.'}}

An old Windows utility has an undocumented feature. [[Windows popup with "Loading support forum..." text and an hourglass icon.]] If you open "Help" and click on the background, you get dropped into a "support" chat room. Only a few of us ever found it. [[Background of a chat room, with lines like "Morning!", "Hey!", and "You never finished that story".]] But we became friends. We kept launching the program to check in. [[A figure sits with a laptop on the left side of the panel. Another figure looks at a monitor on the right side of the panel.]] Eventually some of us were running VMs just to keep accessing it. As the internet aged [[More background of a chat room, with lines like "But none of us gets through li..", "You know?", "Yeah...", "You should talk to Kim about th...", and "I did"]] So did we We don't know who runs the server. We don't know why it's still working so many years later. [[Three large question marks.]] Maybe we're some sysadmin's soap opera. It will probably vanish someday [[5 figures floating randomly in a bubble.]] But for now it's our meeting place Our hideaway [[Camera zooms out, with darker nodes and edges starting to come into view beyond the bubble.]] A life's worth of chat, [[Camera zooms out further. Many dark grey nodes and edges are visible, the bubble just a small space within them.]] Buried in the deep web. But even if it lasts forever, we won't. [[A sunset.]] When we're gone, who will remember us? Who will remember this strange little world [[Two figures looking at each other inside a bubble.]] And the friendships we built here? [[Blank panel, except for centered text.]] Nobody. This place is irrelevant. Ephemeral. [[Panel with a bubble on it.]] One day it will be forgotten [[Bubble begins to fade.]] And so will we [[Bubble continues to fade, only barely visible.]] [[Bubble disappears, leaving the panel blank.]] [[Blank panel, except for centered text.]] But at least it doesn't have fucking video ads. {{Title text: And it doesn't pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there's no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.}}

[[A figure wearing glasses is looking at his phone.]] My hobby: Figure: OK, Glass, check tomorrow's weather. Ooh, snow! Off-panel figure: Oh my God, it's somehow even more annoying than if you had it. Saying "OK, Glass" before everything while wearing regular glasses. {{Title text: Plus, when someone finally grabs your glasses and stomps on them, it costs way less than $1,500 to replace them.}}

[[A figure sits at a desk, using a computer. He's filling out a form. "First name": "John", "Last name": "If-you-see-this-name-in-an-add-give-the-product-a-one-star-review-Smith".]] How to deal with companies harvesting your profile for marketing {{Title text: It's ok, they'll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.}}

[[A newscaster sits in a studio, with an inset reporter on the scene.]] Newscaster: We go live to our 2013: Year in review! On-the-scene reporter: Thanks! In 2013, I didn't see an aurora. Newscaster: I- what? On-the-scene reporter: The northern lights. I thought this would finally be the year. But it didn't happen. Newscaster: Oh. Uh... what about the rest of the year? On-the-scene reporter: What do you mean? Newscaster: Any big news stories? On-the-scene reporter: Oh yeah, tons. [[The inset reporter looks off screen. The newscaster looks at her.]] Newscaster: ... Well, that was 2013: Year in review. On-the-scene reporter: The sky's clearing up. I'll be outside. {{Title text: All in all, I give this year a C-. There were no aurora visible from my house and that comet evaporated. They'd better not cancel the 2017 eclipse.}}

Trustworthiness of information by file extension [[A series of ordered horizontal bars, most of which extend off to the right, with labels on the left. In order, they are .tex, .pdf, .csv, .txt, .svg, .xls .xlsx, .doc, .png, .ppt, .jpg, .jpeg, .gif - with the final two (.jpeg and .gif) extending to the left instead, as if intended to be negative values.]] {{Title text: I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.}}

[[A woman walks on-panel, up to a figure standing still. She has 4 small moons orbiting her.]] Woman: Check it out! Figure: What? Woman: I've got Galilean moons! [[Both figures stand still.]] Moon 1: Hi! Moon 2: Hi! Moon 1: What's your name? Moon 1: Hi! Moon 2: What's your- Moon 3: MOOOOOON! Moon 1: Hi! Moon 2: What's your name? Moon 4: Ugh Moon 1: Hi! Moon 4: So annoying Moon 1: Hi! Moon 2: What's y- Moon 3: MOOOOOON. [[Moon 4 is now halfway between the two figures.]] Moon 1: Hi! Moon 4: ...Almost... ...Almoooost... [[Moon 4 is now orbiting the figure.]] Moon 1: Hi! Moon 2: What's your name? Moon 4: Yessss! {{Title text: I'm SO glad I escaped. They almost had me caught in their weird ... thing.}}

How people feel when they say "I don't own a TV" by year. ((Graph charting embarrassed-smug over years) ((line stays on 'Neutral' until 1950, dips down to lowest around 1965, peaks around 2000, and is at a downward trend as of 'today')) {{Title text: Theory: Smugness is proportional to the negative second derivative of TV ownership rate with respect to time.}}

[[A multitude of circles in various colors and sizes. The following label is centered horizontally, a quarter of the way down the image.]] Our Neighborhood A portrait of all habitable-zone planets within 60 light-years of Earth (constructed from statistical data on typical planet sizes and orbits). [[A key shows that reddish circles indicate planets which are orbiting sun-like stars, while greyish circles indicate planets around other stars. The darkest reds and greys indicate Earth-sized planets, while other more faded versions indicate sizes farther away from Earth's.]] {{Title text: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!}}

[[3 asteroids are talking.]] Asteroid 1: Have you noticed that bright dot in the distance? Asteroid 2: Yeah. What's the deal with it? [[Asteroid 1 scoots off-panel.]] Asteroid 1: Dunno. I'm gonna go check it out. [[Asteroids 2 and 3 sit and wait.]] [[Asteroid 1 has returned, as pieces of rubble and dust.]] Asteroid 1: Wow. Do not go over there. {{Title text: ... I wanna try. Hang on, be right back.}}

[[A commit log is shown, each commit having a comment and a relative date.]] Created main loop & timing control - 14 hours ago Enabled config file parsing - 9 hours ago Misc bugfixes - 5 hours ago Code additions edits - 4 hours ago More code - 4 hours ago ((in a branch)) Here have code - 4 hours ago Aaaaaaaa - 3 hours ago ((branch merged)) Adkfjslkdfjsdklfj - 3 hours ago My hands are typing words - 2 hours ago Haaaaaaaaands - 2 hours ago {{Title text: Merge branch 'asdfasjkfdlas alkdjf' into sdkjfls-final}}

[[A news anchor with a perfect news-anchor-hair-helmet]] Anchor:..and in science news, according to a new study, 85% of news organizations repeat "new study" press releases without checking whether they're real. {{Title text: When the results are published, no one will be sure whether to report on them again.}}

[[A checklist, with the boxes lined up on the right-hand side and the names going down to their left.]] The Very Large Telescope [ ] The Extremely Large Telescope [ ] The Overwhelmingly Lare Telescome [ ] (canceled) The Oppressively Colossal Telescope [ ] The Mind-numbingly Vast Telescope [ ] The Despair Telescope [ ] The Cataclysmic Telescope [ ] The Telescope of Devastation [ ] The Nightmare Scope [ ] The Infinite Telescope [ ] The Final Telescope [ ] {{Title text: The Thirty Meter Telescope will be renamed The Flesh-Searing Eye on the Volcano.}}

[[Beret Guy walks in, followed by a.. "prospective hire"]] Beret Guy; Welcome to our company! We're headquartered here, in this real building I found! [[Both people sit down at a table. "Hire" has a tray with food and a beverage. Beret Guy has a bowl. There is a power outlet labeled "Soup" in the adjacent wall. A small roll of wire sits next to Beret Guy's chair]] "Hire": What do you.. *do*? Beret Guy: We make stuff for phones! Like apps and stickers! [[Beret Guy grabs the roll of wire]] Beret Guy: We want to hire you to write on our computers. we can offer you a bunch of paychecks! There are ghosts here. [[Beret Guy unrolls the wire and plugs it into the wall]] "Hire": ..are you sure this is a company? Beret Guy: I hope so! [[Something one can only hope is soup streams out of the wire into Beret Guy's bowl]] {{Title text: When you talk about the job experience you'll give me, why do you pronounce 'job' with a long 'o'?}}

[[On the left is a "forbidden"-style slashed circle with the Pi symbol, captioned "Pi". On the right is a "forbidden-style slashed circle with "2π", captioned "Tau". In the middle it reads "1.5π", captioned "Pau".]] A compromise solution to the Pi Tau dispute {{Title text: Conveniently approximated as e+2, Pau is commonly known as the Devil's Ratio (because in the octal expansion, '666' appears four times in the first 200 digits while no other run of 3+ digits appears more than once.)}}

[[A woman stands at a podium.]] Woman: Students, shoot for the moon. If you miss, [[A surprisingly lunar-like object is starting to edge into the frame.]] Woman: SHOOT AGAIN. Keep shooting and never stop. [[The moon is now almost entirely in-frame now.]] Woman: Someday, one of us will destroy that stupid skycircle. And- ... What? What are you all- [[The moon is now in frame, lurking ominously in the background.]] Woman: ... It's right behind me, isn't it? Shit. Everyone act casual. {{Title text: Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you'll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.}}

[[Two figures stand talking.]] Figure 1: Man, that is ridicu-fucking-... Figure 1: ... hang on, I inserted "Fucking" too late and now there's just one awkward syllable left. Can I back up? {{Title text: You absolute-fucking-... shit.}}

The Simple Answers to the Questions that get asked about every new technology: Will [ ] make us all geniuses? NO Will [ ] make us all morons? NO Will [ ] destroy whole industries? YES Will [ ] make us more empathetic? NO Will [ ] make us less caring? NO Will teens use [ ] for sex? YES Were they going to have sex anyway? YES Will [ ] destroy music? NO Will [ ] destroy art? NO But can't we go back to a time when- NO Will [ ] bring about world peace? NO Will [ ] cause widespread alienation by creating a world of empty experiences? WE WERE ALREADY ALIENATED {{Title text: 'Will [ ] allow us to better understand each other and thus make war undesirable?' is one that pops up whenever we invent a new communication medium.}}

Substitutions that make reading the news more fun: Witnesses → these dudes I know Allegedly → kinda probably New study → Tumblr post Rebuild → avenge Space → Spaaace Google Glass → Virtual Boy Smartphone → Pokédex Electric → atomic Senator → elf-lord Car → cat Election → eating contest Congressional leaders → river spirits Homeland Security → Homestar Runner Could not be reached for comment → is guilty and everyone knows it {{Title text: INSIDE ELON MUSK'S NEW ATOMIC CAT}}

[[A grid of 8x8 squares is shown. At the bottom is a set of white chessmen, having made the following moves: e3, d4, Nc3, Bd2, Nf3. Also on the grid are black circular counters, at the grid intersections to the bottom right of b4, c5, c6, f4, and f6.]] White to continue insisting this is a chessboard {{Title text: Prediction for Carlsen v. Anand: ... 25. Qb8+ Nxb8 26. Rd8# f6 27. "... dude." Qf5 28. "The game is over, dude." Qxg5 29. Rxe8 0-1 30. "Dude, your move can't be '0-1'. Don't write that down." [Black flips board]}}

Hackers recently leaked 153 million Adobe user emails, encrypted passwords, and password hints. Adobe encrypted these passwords improperly, misusing block-mode 3DES. The result is something wonderful: [[A column titled "user password" with colored hashes in it, identical hashes colored identically. A column titled "hint" with various phrases one might enter as a password hint in it, e.g. "favorite of 12 apostles", "name + jersey #", "he did the mash, he did the" and so on. In a third, titleless column, a set of empty boxes that one might use to fill in a sequence of letters.]] The greatest crossword puzzle in the history of the world {{Title text: It was bound to happen eventually. This data theft will enable almost limitless [xkcd.com 792]-style password reuse attacks in the coming weeks. There's only one group that comes out of this looking smart: Everyone who pirated Photoshop.}}

[[Two groups stand, with placards and weapons, angrily facing off against each other. The first group, with a cutlass, has a sign reading "TWO spaces after a period". The second group, with a spear, has a sign reading "ONE space after a period." Off to one side stands a figure, alone, with a placard reading "Line break after every sentence."]] {{Title text: 'The monospaced-typewriter-font story is a COMPLETE FABRICATION! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE' 'It doesn't matter! Studies support single spaces!' 'Those results weren't statistically significant!' 'Fine, you win. I'm using double spaces right now!' 'Are not! We can all hear your stupid whitespace.'}}

[[A figure walks on screen, holding a phone, and starts talking to black hat guy.]] Figure: Did you get my texts? Black hat guy: You should install this keyboard I found. Figure: What? Why? Is it better than SwiftKey? Black hat guy: In some ways. [[Black hat guy begins to walk off-panel.]] Figure: Ok, installing... It's not working. The key area is blank-I can't type anything. [[Black hat guy has left. The figure stares at their phone.]] [[The figure lets their hand fall to their side.]] Figure: ... Hey. {{Title text: I'm always installing tons of weird experimental keyboards because it serves as a good reminder that nothing I was going to type was really worth the trouble.}}

20th Century headlines rewritten to get more clicks 1905 - How A Shocking New Theory, Discovered By A Dad, Proves Scientists Are Wrong About *Everything! 1912 - 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should've Died 1920 - 17 Things That Will Be Outlawed Now That Women Can Vote 1928 - This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs 1929 - Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFs] 1945 - Thes 9 Nazi Atrocities Will Make You Lose Faith In Humanity 1948 - 5 Insane Plans For Feeding West Berlin You Wan't Believe Are Real 1955 - Avoid Polio With This One Weird Trick 1957 - 12 Nip Slips Potentially Visible To Sputnik 1968 - This Year's Assasinations Ranked From Most To Least Tragic 1969 - This is The Most Important Photo Of An Astronaut You'll See All Day 1986 - This Video of a Terminally Ill Child Watching The Challenger Launch Will Break Your Heart 1989 - You Won't Believe What These People Did to the Berlin Wall [Video] Jan 1, 1990 - 500 Signs You're a 90s Kid {{Title text: 1916: 'PHYSICIST DAD' TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO GRAVITY, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HE FINDS. [PICS] [NSFW]}}

[[A figure - Monty Hall - stands on stage, holding a microphone. There are three doors; two labelled "A" and "C", which are closed, and one that is being held open by Monty. There's a ramp to the right, down which a goat is being led by beret guy.]] Beret guy: ... and my yard has so much grass, and I'll teach you tricks, and... Goat: ♥ {{Title text: A few minutes later, the goat from behind door C drives away in the car.}}

[A graph. The vertical axis is labeled 'billions' and goes from 0 to 8 in increments of one. The horizontal axis has years from 1970 to 2020 in increments of 10. A vertical line at 2013 is marked 'today'. The first measurement, 'number of people in the world' begins at 1980 at just under 4 billion and steadily increases to today's 7 billion. The second measurement is a gradual incline marked 'number of LEGO people in the world', which begins just before 1980 at 0, gets to around 2 billion by the mid-90s, and increases to around 5.5 billion today. Both figures are projected past today's measurements as dashed lines and meet at a point in 2019.]] By 2019, humans will be outnumbered. {{Title text: The LEGO Group is already the world's largest tire manufacturer.}}

[[A figure sits at a laptop.]] Laptop: It's day five of the trade summit, and still no... <<Click>> <<Click>> <<Click>> Figure: Dammit I get most of my news from autoplaying videos in browser tabs I can't find. {{Title text: If you find and stop the video, but you've--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!}}

If your email address is [first initial]+[last name]@gmail.com you gradually get to know lots of older people who have the same name pattern [[A figure stands talking on the phone.]] Figure: Yes, I know it would make sense if that were your email address, but it's not. Phone: But how did you get my number? Figure: Your phone bill. {{Title text: I asked a few friends whether they'd had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials names over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think 'Sure, that's probably my email address' on a regular basis.}}

My hobby: [[A silhouette of a giraffe with a dinosaur-like tail is seen, standing facing left.]] Convincing genetic engineers that giraffes would look better if they had sauropod tails {{Title text: If you fund my Kickstarter ...}}