ABCD

Huh, cool. Nathan Fillion (Mal from Firefly) has an electric skateboard. Just like you! Did you hear that? Nathan- I heard. Gimme the computer. I need to book a flight. To be continued...

[[A dude is sitting at his computer.]] Man: I love getting pacakges. [[A woman enters.]] Man: I set up a script to search eBay et. al. (sic) for $1 items with free shipping. [[The man checks his doorstop; a package is waiting for him.]] Man: I gave it $365, so each day it can buy me something random. Woman: What if you just end up with lots of crap? Man: I'll give it away. But I'm sure I'll end up with some interesting stuff. [[Day 1: Length of rubber hose]] Man: Could be handy around the house. [[Day 2: Ski mask]] Man: It's spring, but hey. [[Day 3: Bear trap]] Man: Huh. [[Day 4: Tourist map of the Pentagon]] Woman: Uh oh. [[Day 5: Lube]] Man: I'm stopping this before I end up on every F.B.I. watch list ever. {{alt-text: Day six: 'The hell? Who mails a bobcat?'}}

Guy: So you can come up with a song title fitting any tag combination? Girl: Try me. Guy: Lesbian voyeurism one-hit wonder mash-up. Girl: "I wish that Stacey's Mom had Jessie's Girl." <<silence>> Guy: Well, that was one, but- Girl: "When you Come On Eileen I touch myself." Guy: Okay, wow. {{Title-text: I love Eileen and want you to love her When you're around I'm one floor above her If you could see just how much I adore her Oh, that pretty red dress I'd do anything for her (Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ayy)}}

Twitter is great for watching uninformed panics unfold live. [[Twitter search results page with "Swine flu" in the search box]] Realtime results for Swine flu 1,918 more results since you started searching. Refresh to see. {{All tweets are "Less than 10 seconds ago from web"}} SKEEVE37: Oh God I ate pork yesterday before I knew about swine flu! HANNELOREEC: Without duct tape I can't seal the door to keep out swine flu but I can't get duct tape without going outside! Help! PAULYSHOREFAN: How long until the swine flu reaches me here in Madagascar? CRACKMONKEY74: Swine flu is God's punishment for the ACLU and lesbians and 9 11 and nanobots! TWILIGHT7531: I fell down the stairs and there was a crack and a jagged white thing is sticking out of my arm guys is this swine flu? WIGU: @UNTOWARD: No, that sounds like syphilis, not swine flu. What did you say you did with a pig? 2011SENIORSRULE: My Dad said flu vaccines are linked to autism, so to be safe from swine flu I'm trying to lick an autistic kid. {{title text: Bad flu epidemics can hit young adults hardest because they provoke their powerful immune systems into overreaction, so to stay healthy spend the next few weeks drunk and sleep-deprived to keep yours suppressed.}}

The Future [[Man is sitting at a futuristic desktop computer, and a girl is standing behind him with a portable ultra-thin screen]] Girl: Hey dad, look at this old music video. Video: We're no strangers to love... Dad: Wow, you got me. Girl: Did your generation really use this to troll people? SO lame. Your generation sucked at pranks. Dad: Did we? I once raised a kid with conditioning so her speech centers shut down when she was upset. Girl: What? No, you couldn't have bleegle warble yargle arggh! Dad: Teehee! {{title-text: They'll pick music and culture that they know annoys you. Building in behavioral easter eggs is a fair retaliation!}}

[[A male and female are running in a field, holding hands. Another male and female stand in the background, next to a table.]] [[The man and woman are in a boat on a lake, very romantic. The man is speaking to the woman, illustrated with a heart.]] [[The man and woman sit together on a bench on a beach, watching the sunset.]] [[The man and woman stand at an altar. They have married.]] [[The man and woman, having grown old together, sit together on their doorstep, holding hands.]] [[The man begins walking away with his cane.]] Woman: Dear? Where are you--Come back! [[The man approaches the other couple from the first panel, who are now just as old.]] [[The man picks up a piece of paper from the table in the first panel and begins to write.]] Man: Okay, [[The paper is shown: a scavenger hunt list. "Happiness" has just been checked off.]] Man: What's next? [[Full list: SCAVENGER HUNT: [X] Indian-head penny [X] Snake skin [X] Happiness [ ] Four-leaf clover [ ] Shark tooth [...] ]] {{Alt text: This scavenger hunt is getting boring. Let's go work on the treehouse!}}

[[Someone is in bed, presumably trying to sleep. The top of each panel is a thought bubble showing sheep leaping over a fence.]] 1 ... 2 ... <<baaa>> [[Two sheep are jumping from left to right.]] ... 1,306 ... 1,307 ... <<baaa>> [[Two sheep are jumping from left to right. The would-be sleeper is holding his pillow.]] ... 32,767 ... -32,768 ... <<baaa>> <<baaa>> <<baaa>> <<baaa>> <<baaa>> [[A whole flock of sheep is jumping over the fence from right to left. The would-be sleeper is sitting up.]] Sleeper: ? ... -32,767 ... -32,766 ... <<baaa>> [[Two sheep are jumping from left to right. The would-be sleeper is holding his pillow over his head.]] {{Title text: If androids someday DO dream of electric sheep, don't forget to declare sheepCount as a long int.}}

Person 1: When'd you get the car? Person 2: It's the darndest thing. We bought it as a prize for the 100,000,000th visitor to our website. Person 1: And they didn't want it? Person 2: Apparently. Person 1: Maybe they didn't see the notice. Person 2: It was flashing and everything! Person 1: How bizarre. {{title text: Somewhere out there is a company that has actually figured out how to enlarge penises, and it's helpless to reach potential customers.}}

[[Two stick figures stand on a hill overlooking a great city. Between them and the city stands an embassy flying a red flag.]] THREE YEARS AGO, THE KINGDOM OF LIATE OVERTHREW THEIR OLD ORDER AND ESTABLISHED A CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY. OUR LEADERS SIGNED A TREATY WITH THEIR QUEEN, AND OUR BORDERS WERE SET BY THE YABRIS ACCORDS. MANY SAID WAR WOULD BE UNENDING, THAT PEACE WOULD ALWAYS BE A DREAM DEFERRED. BUT TODAY, OUR FLAG FLIES PROUDLY OVER OUR EMBASSY IN THEIR KINGDOM, AND THEY WALK OUR LANDS WITHOUT FEAR. SO COME, TRAVELER. LAY DOWN YOUR GRUDGES AND JOIN US IN BROTHERHOOD. IT IS TIME NOT TO FIGHT, BUT TO LIVE. [[Stick figure sitting at computer]] THIS IS THE WORST CAPTURE-THE-FLAG SERVER EVER. {{title text: Eventually a UN is set up. And then a lone rebel runs down the line of flags in front of it, runs back to his base, and gets a kajillion points.}}

[[People are lined up by a well. A sign says "The Uncomfortable Truths Well." The first person in line drops in a coin.]] Well: Science may discover immortality, but it won't happen in the next eighty years. [[The next person drops in a coin.]] Well: You'll never find a programing language that frees you from the burden of clarifying your ideas. Programmer: But I know what I mean! [[The next person drops in a coin.]] Well: You avoid your friend Mike because you're uncomfortably attracted to him. Person: Nice try, Mike. Person: Get out of the well. Well Mike: Aww. {{Title text: But I've made $13.72 already today! Ow, stop throwing pennies.}}

[[Guy steps out of rift. Benjamin Franklin is sitting at his desk with quill and parchment.]] Guy: Benjamin Franklin? Franklin: Yes? Guy: I bring a message from the future! I don't have much time. Franklin: What is it? Guy: The convention you're setting for electric charge is backward. The one left on glass by silk should be the negative charge. {{Caption: We were going to use the time machine to prevent the robot apocalypse, but the guy who built it was an electrical engineer.}} {{Mouseover: Sure, we could stop dictators and pandemics, but we could also make the signs on every damn diagram make sense.}}

Narrator: Today was the ten-year anniversary of the release of 'The Matrix'. I sat down to watch it again. Woman: Holy Fuck, ten years ago? {{Replay of various scenes from The Matrix..}} [[Scene 1]] Morpheus: Unfortunately, no one can explain what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. Trinity (correcting Morpheus): Sure you can. It's a computer simulation in which you live, thinking it's reality. Neo: Oh. Trinity (to Morpheus, who is glaring at her): ... What? Look, maybe you just suck at explaining. [[Scene 2]] Morpheus (to Neo): ...Or you take the red pill, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. [[Neo takes BOTH pills from Morpheus...]] [[Neo crushes both the red and blue pills into purple powder on a table top...]] [[Neo snorts the purple powder...]] [[Morpheus and Neo are shown upside down in a frame with inverted colors, i.e., black background with white lines]] Morpheus: NOW look what you've done. Neo: Where are we? Morpheus: I have no idea. [[Scene 3]] [[Neo, wearing the long black trench coat, at a metal detector, is accosted by the security guard.]] Guard: Please remove any keys, metallic items, weapons-- [[Neo opens his trench coat, his back to the reader, towards the guard, who is facing the reader. The reader can't see what Neo has under his coat.]] [[Same scene as above, but side view: Neo, on the left, is opening his coat toward the guard, who is on the right. Nobody speaks.]] [[Side view again.]] Guard: Eww. {{End of scene replays}} [[View of room, where three characters have obviously just finished watching The Matrix. Man1 is sitting on the floor nearest to the TV. Woman is sitting on the floor, farther from the TV. Man2 is sitting on a chair, farthest from the TV.]] Man1: I forgot how good that movie was. Man2: Wanna put on the other two? [[Man1 has turned to face Woman. They exchange looks without speaking.]] [[View of room, which is now empty, as is the chair.]] <<Sounds from off panel: Crash Wham Someone saying "Ow! Ow!">> [[Man1 and Woman are back in the room, but the chair is still empty. Man2 is nowhere to be seen.]] Man1: I forgot how good that movie was. Woman: Too bad they never made any sequels. Man1: True.

[[A male stick figure sits at a computer.]] Computer Screen: "-Email Account Setup- To verify your identity, we need to ask you a question nobody else could answer." Computer Screen: "Q: Where are the bodies buried? A:" {{A text field is shown with "Behind the" typed.}} [[Three stick figures, two wearing police hats and one wearing headphones, watch another computer.]] {{The same text field is shown with "Behind the ... nice try." typed.}} Figure in Headphones: Damn. {{Title Text: "Let's invite him to a party and play 'I never'. Okay, I never hid any bodies SOUTH of Main Street. ... he's taking a drink!"}}

[[Man 1 is pulling a crossbow out of a desk]] Man 1: Why do you have a crossbow in your desk? Woman (off-screen): You _don't_? [[Woman is on panel]] Man 1 (off-screen): No -- why would... Woman: You _are_ studying the consequences of Higgs excitation, aren't you? Like the rest of the lab? [[Two men, both holding crossbows, joing the woman on panel]] Man 1: Yes, but why-- Man 2: Maybe he's slow with the math. Woman: Well, he has until Tuesday. Man 2: Poor guy. {{Alt-Text: I hate being the slowest guy in the lab}}

Pd Regional Population Density (e.g. 18,600 mi^2) Xf Average Person's Frequency of Sex (e.g. 80 Year) Xd Average Duration of Se (e.g. 30 Minutes) r=sqrt(2 pi*Pd*Xr*Xd) On average, someone within distance r of you is having sex [[Man standing at easel]] Man: Mmm, That probable couple 150 meters away is so hot. Oh yeah, theoretically work it, baby. From out of frame: Hey! No statistical voyeurism! {{Alt Text: I love how google handles dimensional analysis. Stats are ballpark and vary wildly based on time of day and whether your mom is in town.}}

[[Hat guy is in a car driving around a parking lot]] [[Hat guy's car pulls up next to a red car, that's parked over a line at an angle that block two spaces]] [[Hat guy gets out of his car]] <<SLAM>> [[Hat guy is now holding a flamethrower and a rotary saw, He's also wearing goggles and fuel tanks on his back. The flamethrower is lit]] <<Fwoosh>> [[The badly parked car has been cut in half along a diagonal, and the half of the car that was in the second slot has been moved into the same slot as the rest of the car. Hat guy's car occupies the newly freed space.]] {{Alt Text: Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it.}}

[[A sign sits by a well]] Sign: The Uncomfortable Truths Well [[A guy and a girl are lined up for the well; the guy throws a coin in]] Well: For a universe that's supposed to be half Chinese, Firefly sure doesn't have any Asians. [[The guy is gone, a couple arrives behind the girl from the previous pane; the girl throws a coin in]] Well: There's no solid evidence DVORAK's better than QWERTY. The standard histories are urban legends. [[Just the couple remain; the boyfriend throws another coin in]] Well: You've never said "I love you" and meant it. It was always just words. [[The girlfriend now throws in a coin]] Well: You meant it every time. {{title text: I'll concede ergonomics anecdotally, but none of the studies of Dvorak were at all rigorous (the most-cited Navy study was overseen by Dvorak himself), and QWERTY had a lot of fair competition. And the 'slow typists down' thing is basically a myth. Also EMACS RULES WOOOOOOO!}}

Timeline of Commercial Uses of Lithium Batteries: [[The panel has a timeline that goes from Past to Present. The timeline has 4 notches on it]] Past [[the first notch, closest to the past side, has a picture of an old man with a walking stick]] Pacemakers [[The second notch has an image of a man in a car, who is talking on his cell phone]] Phones for Rich Business People [[The third notch, has a teen taking on his cellphone]] Phones for Teenagers [[The forth notch, closest to the present on the timeline, hac an image of a toy plane box with $10 written on it]] Really cheap r c planes and helicopters Present [[Below the main panel]] Life would be so much better if I was one of those people who aged backward. {{Title text: I'm normally a pretty frugal person, but I still compulsively buy any R C aircraft that's less than $30. In the last few years, this has become a problem.}}

My Hobby: Appending "no pun intended" to lines with no pun in them. [[Random guy is talking to a guy with a beret]] Random guy: I think he's internalized his girlfriend's attitudes - no pun intended - and so... {{Three hours later:}} [[Beret guy is thinking]] Beret guy: "Internalized?" Lied? Analyzed? Or is it "attitudes"? Dammit. {{alt: Like spelling 'dammit' correctly -- with two m's -- it's a troll that works best on the most literate.}}

Dishonest: [[woman sitting behind desk]] sign: bailout: $170 billion; bonuses: $165 million Honest: [[woman sitting behind desk]] sign: bailout: $170,000 million; bonuses: $165 million Dear news organizations: stop giving large numbers without context or proper comparison. The difference between a million and a billion is the difference between a sip of wine and 30 seconds with your daughter, and a bottle of gin and a night with her. {{Alt-text: And 0.002 dollars will NEVER equal 0.002 cents.}}

[[A teacher speaks in a crowded classroom, one of the students seems confused.]] Teacher: Your projects are due today by 5:00 PM. Student: ((...I didn't even know we had one.)) Student: ((Wait. I don't think I've been attending. I must have forgotten I had this class. Shitshitshit.)) Student: ((Okay, I'm gonna fail. Will it hold me back? I just want to get out of here. I thought I had <i>finished< i> my requirements already.)) Student: ((In fact, I think I remember graduating.)) Student: ((What the hell is--)) [[Scene fades to the 'student' waking up.]] Fun Fact: Decades from now, with school a distant memory, you'll <u>still< u> be having this dream. {{Mouseover: The same goes for the one where you're wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It's not just me. Right?}}

[[A field of windmills is silhouetted against dusk sky.]] [[Man and woman are standing and sitting on the ground overlooking the windmills.]] Man: I'm all for green energy, but those turbines creep me out. They remind me of War of the Worlds, or the Tripod books. Woman: They -are- unnerving. Man: I can't shake the feeling that at any moment they'll-- <<RUMBLE>> [[A leg begins to split off one windmill.]] <<crack>> [[The leg separates from the body of the windmill.]] [[The new leg lands on the ground.]] <<BOOM>> [[Another leg begins to split off the other side of the windmill's body.]] <<crack>> [[The new leg hits the ground, forming a tripod base.]] <<BOOM>> [[Smoke rises from destroyed buildings as the windmills rampage across the field.]] [[Man and woman are now standing.]] Woman: Oh no. Man: Al Gore, you've doomed us all. Woman: It's coming this way! Man: Run! [[One of the enormous tripod windmill feet lands right behind the running couple, sending debris flying.]] <<BOOM>> [[Man and woman run.]] Woman: What now? Man: Someone has to stop them. Woman: But who could-- Voice from next panel: Stand aside! [[Don Quixote sits mounted at the top of a hill, lance at the ready.]] {{title text: The moment their arms spun freely in our air, they were doomed -- for Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane.}}

[[A girl sets up a full mirror adjacent to a bathroom-counter mirror]] [[The girl looks through the bathroom-counter mirror to see the infinite reflections]] Girl: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. <<RAAGHHHHH>> [[Girl ducks as the infinite Bloody Marys pop out between the two mirrors above her head]] {{Alt-Text: If you actually do this, what really happens is Douglas Hofstadter appears and talks to you for eight hours about strange loops.}}

Narration: Signs your coders don't have enough work to do: [[A man sitting at his workstation; a female co-worker behind him]] Man: I'm almost up to my old typing speed in dvorak [[Two men standing by a server rack]] Man #1: Our servers now support gopher. Man #1: Just in case. [[A woman standing near her workstation speaking to a male co-worker]] Woman: Our pages are now HTML, XHTML-STRICT, and haiku-compliant Man: Haiku? Woman: <div class="main"> Woman: <span id="marquee"> Woman: Blog!< span>< div> [[A woman sitting at her workstation]] Woman: Hey! Have you guys seen this webcomic? {{title text: It's even harder if you're an asshole who pronounces <> brackets.}}

[[Awaiting the judges' ruling at the Pirate Bay trial]] Character 1: I wish this were in America. Character 2: Why? Character 1: I hear we'd go before a jury of our peers, and I've always seeded generously {{Alt Text: We find you guilty of closing your torrents as soon as they finish. Your sentence is unremovable Hungarian subtitles on everything.}}

[[A man is talking to a woman]] Man: I used to think correlation implied causation. Man: Then I took a statistics class. Now I don't. Woman: Sounds like the class helped. Man: Well, maybe. {{Title text: Correlation doesn't imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing 'look over there'.}}

[[A male xkcd figure is playing with an etch-a-sketch]] Male: Hey. If draw enough lines, I can see what's behind the screen. Male: Oh man, almost... Etch-a-Sketch: Hi! [[Head of a female xkcd figure appears behind etch-a-sketch]] Female: You're cute! Male: Wha- Female: I'm the one who draws when you turn the knobs. Female: It's lonely in here. Male: It's lonely out here too. Female: I'm glad you found me, then! Female: Let's be friends. Female: And never be lonely again. [[Panels break apart into thought bubbles coming from male as he sits with his etch-a-sketch]] Male: *sigh* [[Etch-a-sketch shows what is behind the glass; it is just the mechanics of the machine]] [[Male shakes etch-a-sketch]] {{title text: Surrounded by boring mysteries.}}

[[Guy is in a bed with a girl]] Guy: Sup dawg, I herd you didn't liek forming babby, but I accidentally in your base. [[Out of the panel text]] Cons: Ruined life. Pros: Sentence set the new meme destiny record. {{Alt-Text: If only I had asked 4chan for ideas for what I should do to prevent this!}}

Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley! Buttercup: Why did you let me think you were dead? Westley: You shacked up with the prince! Buttercup: After years of mourning! The worst pain of my life! Buttercup: And now you ... kill people? Westley: I'd hardly be a dread pirate if I didn't. Buttercup: How lovable. Westley: It was for the sake of the narrative! Buttercup: Fuck the narrative. I'm going to go see if that Spaniard's single. Westley: ... As you wish. {{Alt text: Inigo Buttercup 4eva <3}}

[[A guy is looking at a kindle]] Girl: A Kindle? E Books, huh? Guy: Ebooks are for chumps. Girl: Why get a kindle, then? Guy: One reason: FREE Cellular web access. Even if I spend months broke and drunk in a strange city, I'll still be able to use wikipedia and wikitravel to learn about anything I need. Girl: Why does that sound familiar? Gimme that. [[Girls takes the kindle]] [[The top of the kindle says "Amazon Kindle"]] [[Girl scratches at the top]] <<scrape, scrape, scrape>> Top of "kindle": Hitchhiker's Guid... {{Alt-text: I'm happy with my Kindle 2 so far, but if they cut off the free Wikipedia browsing, I plan to show up drunk on Jeff Bezos's lawn and refuse to leave.}}

[[A man points to a diagram of a particle accelerator]] Man 1: Do you have any thoughts regarding the particle accelerator's tertiary F.E.L. Guidance System? Man 2: We can't put the broken part in the machine. It wouldn't smash the right tiny things together. Then the machine might break. That would be very bad. [[Text at the bottom reads "I spent all night reading simple.wikipedia.org, and now I can't stop talking like this.]] {{Title text: Actually, I think if all higher math professors had to write for the Simple English Wikipedia for a year, we'd be much better shape academically.}}

[[Interior, a man sits at his computer typing, woman enters]] Man [typing]: ...and that's why music DRM is bad for listeners and artists! Woman[off-panel]: What are you doing? Woman: In case you didn't notice, we won the music DRM war. The big stores are DRM free. Woman: So close the comment thread, get out the debit card, buy us some music, and let's rock the fuck out. Man: But I don't actually like music, I just like being self-righteous on the web. Woman: Lucky for you, that will always be free. {{title text: Just yesterday I bought my first non-DRM'ed songs (The Last Vegas, in keeping with my 'I only listen to things from Guitar Hero' theme).

Trivia: It's possible to create events which Wikipedia cannot cover neutrally Man in Hat: In a week, I will be donating $1,000,000 to a recipient determined by the word count of the Wikipedia article about this event. If it's even, the money goes to pro-choice activists. If it's odd, pro-life. {{title text: 'Hey, everyone, you can totally trust that I didn't do a word count on MY edit!'}}

Coach : OK TEAM. WE'RE SIXTEEN POINTS DOWN. IF WE WANT TO COME BACK FROM THIS Crowd : WOO!! SCORE!!! Coach : OKAY, NOW WE'RE EIGHTEEN POINTS DOWN...LISTEN - I'M STARTING TO THINK WE SHOULD ONLY TAKE THESE BREAKS AT HALFTIME. {{title text: Listen! They said a team of chess players coached by someone with no understanding of basketball would never be competitive in the NBA! Well, it turns out they're pretty perceptive.}}

[[shows an adaptation of the sierpinski triangle fractal, using hearts instead of triangles]] center: Happy valentine's day bottom right: -xkcd {{Title text: Especially you mouseover -text readers. You're the best. <3}}

[[Hat Guy is holding blood stained rags while woman is holding an equally bloody mop]] Hat Guy: Okay, got the blood off the walls. Woman: I finished the floor Hat Guy: Good; he'll be home any- Oh crap! We forgot to clean the ceiling! Woman: There's no time! Hat Guy: Wait, I'll handle it. [[Man with briefcase enters the house]] Hat Guy: Hi. Did you know "gullible" is written on your ceiling? Man: Hah. Yeah, right. {{title text: Man, this trick has saved me so many times.}}

[[Randall Monroe on stage]] Randall - Hi. I'm Randall. Welcome to my TED talk. Randall - it's an honor to speak to you, some of the brightest innovators from so many fields, about a problem in desperate need of your attention: Randall - How DO you end parenthetical statements with emoticons? I can't figure out a good way. [[Screen next to him shows two statements, both crossed out in red]] Screen - "Linux (or BSD :) would..." (in red) "looks mismatched" "Linux (or BSD :)) would..." (in red) "looks mismatched and weird" [[Randall writing on a desk]] Randall's List - Conferences I'm banned from: Siggraph Eurocrypt Defcon Pycon International Astronomical Union Canadian Paleontology Conference Every American Furry Convention American Baking Society Asian Dolphin-Training Conference TED {{Alt-text: The IAU ban came after the 'redefinition of the 'planet' to include the IAU president's mom' incident.}}

[[A man and woman are talking; she's sitting on the back of a chair with her feet on the seat, and he's sitting on the floor facing her.]] Woman: So how far did you get with her? Man: Second base? Woman: Wait, which one is that? Below the waist, but... not under the clothes? Man: I think that's... shortstop? Woman: You should try crossing the pitcher's mound. Then down the 50-yard line, and right past her ten-pin. Man: Sounds tricky. Woman: Yeah. Last time I tried it, I got a red flag. If you know what I mean. Man: I really don't. [[A diagram of a baseball diamond.]] The "Base" Metaphor Explained [[Bases and x points are marked, as well as dashed lines covering the field.]] [[Along the first base line is "Your Base"]] [[Slightly right of that is a binary base: 0110 0010 0110 0001 0111 0011 0110 0101 0010 0000 0011 0010] [[First base: Kissing]] [[Second base: Hands under the shirt and or licking]] [[Third base: Oral sex (formerly "hands in the pants")]] ((The following are x marks. Slightly right of home plate: Eye contact. Along the first base line: Passing notes. Slightly before first base: Downloading Star Trek fanfiction and replacing Riker's name with your Crush's. Right field: Eye contact from Janeane Garofalo. Between the pitcher and second base: Using the scroll thingy on that one Apple mouse. Near the shortstop: Dry humping. Left of second base: Fursuits. Farther left: Fursuits (crotchless). Just before home plate: Thigh contact. Beyond 3rd base, along the 3rd base line: Standing anywhere near Peaches. Foul of the third base line: Anal sex (fill in your won "Foul Ball" pun here.) Left outfield: 2outfielders1glove. Left outfield: Retrograde wheelbarrow.)) ((The following are dashed lines: A region along the line from first to second base: The Boring Zone. A line traveling across the second to third baseline, and towards home plate: The orgasm line. ((dry humping is on the "orgasm" side.)) Between third base and home: "Virginity" (Maginot) line.)) ((Arrows pointing out various other features: An arrow crossing the "Virginity" line: Teens. An arrow nearer to home plate: Sharing root PWs. An arrow crossing the orgasm line in the outfield: Napoleon's forces.)) {{Title text: I once got to second base with a basketball player. She was so confused.}}

Girl (on the phone): Can my boyfriend come along? Guy: I'm not your boyfriend! Girl: You totally are. Guy: I'm casually dating a number of people. Girl (pointing to a chart): But you spend twice as much time with me as with anyone else. I'm a clear outlier. Guy: Your math is irrefutable. Girl: Face it - I'm your statistically significant other. {{title text: ... okay, but because you said that, we're breaking up.}}

A Crypto nerd's imagination: Guy [[Holding Laptop]]: His laptop's encrypted. Let's build a million-dollar cluster to crack it. Other guy: No good! It's 4096-bit RSA! Guy: Blast! Our evil plan is foiled! What would actually happen: Guy [[Holding money tag and wrench]]: His laptop's encrypted. Drug him and hit him with this $5 wrench until he tells us the password. Other guy [[taking the wrench]]: Got it. {{Alt-Text: Actual Actual Reality: Nobody really cares about his secrets. (Also, I would be hard pressed to find that wrench for $5.)}}

(Ducklings follow mother duck in procession) Chick: Ready? Dude: Ready. (Dude and chick regard duck procession.) (Diagram of duck procession showing linear west-to-east motion) Dude: (on right side of duck procession) Roar! Boo! (Mother duck is alarmed.) (Mother duck proceeds south, then west. Ducklings follow.) (Chick seizes mother duck, lifts upwards.) Yoink! Mother duck: Quack (First ducking begins to follow final duckling, such that ducklings form a loop, rotating clockwise.) Operation: Duckling Loop {{Alt text: DUCKLOOP'D?}}

[[A man and a woman sit beside a moonlit lake.]] Man: Arthur C. Clarke said space elevators will be build 50 years after everybody stops laughing. [[Closeup on the man.]] Man: So all we have to do is get Mind of Mencia on every channel and wait. Woman: Oh, hush. {{title text: If you think space elevators are good, but just too boring and practical, check out the 'space fountain'.}}

[[Man #1 is administering the presidential oath to Man #2]] Man #1: You know, it might be cool to be a woman. Man #2: It... might be cool to be a woman? Man #1: Yeah, but the menstruation thing is freaky. Man #2: Yeah, but... the, um. What? Narration: Turns out I'm even worse at administering the presidential oath than John Roberts. {{title text: 'And ovaries. Man, ovaries, huh?' [awkward pause] '... faithfully.'}}

[[Code displayed, presumably from an IDE]] def getSolutionCosts(navigationCode): fuelStopCost = 15 extraComputationCost = 8 [[There is a giant arrow pointing to the next line]] thisAlgorithmBecomingSkynetCost = 999999999 waterCrossingCost = 45 Narration: Genetic algorithms tip: *Always* include this in your fitness function. {{title text: Just make sure you don't have it maximize instead of minimize.}}

Mephistopheles: Welcome to Hell. Here's- Mephistopheles: Wait. I know you. Mephistopheles: You're the Fujitsu exec who killed the Q-series. Fujitsu Exec: ...Yes? Mephistopheles: The Q2010 was the perfect laptop! Mephistopheles: Powerful, durable, had every feature, and made the Air look <u>bulky< u> And that was back in 2006! Fujitsu Exec: But noone bought it! Mephistopheles: Then you marketed it wrong! Fujitsu Exec: Wait. Don't you <i>encourage< i> evil acts down here? Mephistopheles: In theory, yes, but we need laptops too! Mephistopheles: Although it's moot, since we have an exclusive deal with Sony. Fujitsu Exec: I <i>knew< i> it! {{Alt text: The xkcd.com sysadmin has a Q2010, and I can attest that it can handle a fall down several flights of concrete steps. Relatedly, he's upset with me - I hope he doesn't take revenge by messing with my site's contenDISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS}}

[[Man is holding a box with an open lid. A miniature piano is inside. The girl is looking at it]] Man: My hobby is making miniatures. Check this out-- it's a fully-functional grand piano. Woman: Woah - beautiful. [[Man looks at the miniature piano]] Man: Sadly, I've never head what proper music sounds like on it-the keys are too small to play. [[Man closes lid to the piano.]] Man: I once asked a genie for someone who could play it for me, but I think he misheard. Girl: ... are you doing anything later? {{Alt-Text: Good thing he didn't make it smaller, or it'd need someone three inches tall to play it.}}

[[A woman and a man holding a green bottle are standing beside a crib. Another green bottle is lying on the floor.]] Woman: More sugary drinks? Are you trying to give her diabetes? Man: Yeah - then we keep her supplied with insulin unless things go wrong. Narration: I take the Jurassic Park approach to parenting. {{title text: Kids are genetic experiments. We're just experimenting responsibly!}}

[[Ponytailed stick figure approaches stick figure, who is sitting on porch steps, laptop in lap and backpack open]] Ponytailed stick figure: Should I ask? Stick figure: I'm locked out, and I'm trying to get my roommate to let me in. [[unplugged cell phone on table]] Stick figure: First I tried her cell phone, but it's off. [[Stick figure sitting on steps, laptop in lap and gesturing]] Stick figure: Then I tried IRC, but she's not online. [[Stick figure standing in front of house and looking up at window]] Stick figure: I couldn't find anything to throw at her window, [[living room with couch easy chair and computer set up]] Stick figure: so I SSH'd into the Mac Mini in the living room and got the speech synth to yell at her for me. Computer: Hey I'm locked out downstairs [[Roommate sitting at table with laptop open]] Stick figure: But I think I left the volume way down, so I'm reading the OS X docs to learn to set the volume via command line. [[Ponytailed stick figure facing stick figure, who is still sitting on the porch with his laptop.]] Ponytailed stick figure: Ah. Ponytailed stick figure: I take it the doorbell doesn't work? [[Ponytailed stick figure characters remain in place, Stick figure tilts head back slightly, as if staring in realization]]

[[Girl looks out window through blinds]] Girl: It's snowing! Boy: [[from off-screen]] Sled time! [[Girl and boy outside with sled, at the top of a hill]] Boy: It depresses me that I'm too old to learn another language fluently. My brain's solidified. [[Girl and boy sledding down the hill]] Girl: Is there one you wish you knew? Boy: No, I just hate having options closed to me. Like I've given up a life that was once possible. [[At the bottom of the hill, sled has stopped]] Girl: Which reminds me -- our anniversary is coming up. Girl: Man, that ride failed to be a metaphor for our conversation. Boy: Guess this isn't the Calvin & Hobbes-model toboggan. {{title text: If you get your hands on that one, it's the worst place to have a breaking-up conversation.}}

[[A girl is standing behind a guy sitting at a desk using his laptop]] Girl: What are you doing? Guy: Trying the Windows 7 beta. Girl: Why is it showing a picture of Hitler? [[The laptop's screen is shown with Adolph Hitler's face on it]] Guy: I don't know. I can't get it to do anything else. Girl: There's no UI? Guy: No, just Hitler. [[Return to the original scene, except the girl is now scratching her head in confusion]] Girl: Did you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete? Guy: It just makes Hitler's eyes flash. Girl: Huh. [[Scene remains basically the same, except the girl is no longer scratching her head and the guy is no longer typing on the laptop]] Girl: Well, it's better than Vista. Guy: True. {{title text: Disclaimer: I have not actually tried the beta yet. I hear it's quite pleasant and hardly Hitler-y at all.}}

[[Man with top hat talking to Man sitting at computer]] Man sitting at computer: Huh-Steve Jobs isn't doing a keynote this year, citing massive weight loss due to some hormonal problem. Man with top hat: Too bad. I bet Apple was excited about unveiling the thinnest and lightest CEO in the industry. {{title text: He should be better soon -- now that the Apple Store is getting rid of DRM, Cory Doctorow will get rid of his Steve Jobs voodoo doll.}}

Guide to Converting to Metric The key to converting to metric is establishing new reference points. When you hear "26 degrees centigrade", instead of thinking "That's 79 degrees fahrenheit" you should think, "that's warmer then a house but cool for swimming." here are some helpful tables of reference points: Temperature: 60 degrees centigrade - Earth's Hottest 45 degrees centigrade - Dubai Heat Wave 40 degrees centigrade - Southern US Heat Wave 35 degrees centigrade - Northern US Heat Wave 30 degrees centigrade - Beach weather 25 degrees centigrade - Warm Room 20 degrees centigrade - Room Temperature 10 degrees centigrade - Jacket Weather 0 degrees centigrade - Snow! -5 degrees centigrade - Cold Day (Boston) -10 degrees centigrade - Cold Day (Moscow) -20 degrees centigrade - FuckFuckFuckCold -30 degrees centigrade - Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! -30 degrees centigrade - Spit goes "ckink" [[Stick figure next to last three lines]] Man: <<Pthoo>> [[Man spits]] Spit: <<Clink!>> [[Spit bounces off ground]] Length 1cm - Width of microSD card 3cm - Length of SD card 12cm - CD Diameter 14cm - Penis 15cm - BIC pen 80cm - Doorway width 1m - Lightsaber Blade 170cm - Summer Glau 200cm - Darth Vader 2.5m - Ceiling 5m - Car-length 16m4cm - Human tower of Serenity crew [[Human tower of Serenity crew stick figures depicted taking up from second line of panel to bottom]] Speed 5 kph - 1.5 m s - Walking 13 kph - 3.5 m s - Jogging 25 kph - 7 m s - Sprinting 35 kph - 10 m s - Fastest Human 45 kph - 13 m s - Housecat 55 kph - 15 m s - Rabbit 75 kph - 20 m s - Raptor 100 kph - 25 m s - Slow Highway 110 kph - 30 m s - Interstate (65 MPH) 120 kph - 35 m s - Speed you actually go when it says "65" 140 kph - 40 m s - Raptor on Hoverboard Volume 3mL - Blood in a fieldmouse 5mL - Teaspoon 30mL - Nasal Passages 40mL - Shot Glass So when it's {{Nasal Passages}} blocked, the mucus in your nose could about fill a shot glass. [[Image of a shot glass]] Related: I've invented the worst mixed drink ever. 350mL - Soda Can 500mL - Water Bottle 3L - Two-Liter Bottle 5L - Blood in a Human Male 30L - Milk Crate 55L - Summer Glau 65L - Dennis Kucinich 75L - Ron Paul 200L - Fridge [[Stick figure shoving stick figures of Ron Paul, Summer Glau, and Dennis Kucinich into fridge]] [[Above fridge, circled, is 55+65+75 < 200]] Mass 3g - Peanut M&M 100g - Cell Phone 500g - Bottled Water 1kg - Ultraportable Laptop 2kg - Light-Medium Laptop 3kg - Heavy Laptop 5kg - LCD Monitor 15kg - CRT Monitor 4kg - Cat [[Drawing of cat]] 4.1kg - Cat (With Caption) [[Drawing of cat, going "Mrowl?", and holding a caption]] 60kg - Lady 70kg - Dude 150kg - Shaq [[Stick figure of lady and dude beside previous 3 lines]] 200kg - Your Mom 220kg - Your Mom (incl. cheap jewelrey) 223kg - Your Mom (also incl. Makeup) {{Alt-text: According to River, 'adequate' vacuuming systems drain the human body at about half a liter per second.}}

Now and then, I announce "I know you're listening" to empty rooms. [[Man is sitting in an armchair, reading. He murmurs something.]] [[Second man in front of a large computer terminal jumps out of chair after hearing the first man mumble. His chair has fallen over]] If I'm wrong, no one knows. And if I'm right, maybe I just freaked the hell out of some secret organization. {{Title Text: Basically it's Pascal's Wager for the paranoid prankster}}

Hat guy: And so I hired Rick Astley to show up at her party. Guy: And rickroll her? Isn't that a little...last year? Hat guy: Ah, but he's not going to sing. Girl 1: Hey is that Rick Astley? Girl 2: I think it is. He just came in. Girl 1: Oh no. Brace yourself. Girl 1: Wait. He's just standing there. Where's the song? Girl 1: He's staring at me. Girl 1: This is a little creepy. Girl 1: What's going on? Girl 1: That's actually Rick Astley Staring at me. Girl 1: What's he doing? Girl 1: Oh God, I keep expecting it, hearing it in my head. [[Girl 1 pulls at her hair]] Girl 1: Just do it already! [[Girl 1 runs stage right]] Girl 1: AAAAAAAA <<SLAM>> Girl 2: Mr. Astley? Rick Astley: Yes? Girl 2: What did you do to her? What was that? Rick Astley: That, my dear, [[Rick Astley puts on sunglasses]] Rick Astley: Is how I roll. {{title text: I wonder what 2008 meme will go bizarrely mainstream in 2009 like Rickrolling did 2007-2008. I Accidentally <noun>? Yo dawg? Place your bets now!}}

[[A man is pointing at a line graph at a specific point where it slopes down. The Y Axis shows that as Y increases, Love increases.]] Man: "Our relationship entered its decline at this point." Woman[[Outside of panel]]: "That's when you started graphing everything." Man: "Coincidence!" {{title text: 'There is also a spike on the Fourier transformation at the one month mark where--' 'You want to stop talking right now.'}}

Bloggers were recently amused to discover that, according to Google Trends, the search term "men kissing" is most popular in conservative Utah. A few other embarrassing correlations: Search Term, Top City Installing Ubuntu, Redmond, WA Running for President in 2010, Wasilla, AK Lincoln Fan Fiction, Chicago, IL Raptors on Hoverboards, Somerville, MA How is babby formed?, Wasilla, AK I hate this website, Mountain View, CA {{Alt Text: Obama has been writing Lincoln Obama erotic fan fiction on his secret livejournal. Excerpt: Lincoln lay back on the bed, nude save for his trademark stovepipe hat. 'Tell me,' he purred seductively, as he and Obama formed a more perfect union. 'When you come, is it 10% ethanol?'}}

The 2008 XKCD Christmas Special Narrator: Due to the slowing economy, we could only afford to produce the prime-numbered panels. Narrator: You should be able to infer the missing parts of the story easily enough. Narrator: We apologize for the inconvenience. [[The first panel is blank]] [[Girl carrying Christmas lights and guy watching]] Girl: I'm going to one-up those Christmas light displays on YouTube. [[Girl thinking]] Girl: Hmm. Needs more flair. Do you know what happens when you fire sodium pellets into a snowbank? Guy: No. Girl: Me neither. [[The next panel is blank]] [[Girl sitting in front of a console]] Girl: Whoops, one of the Arduino control boards sublimated. Girl: If only I could make it self-repairing... [[The next panel is blank]] Girl: Shit. The system has become sentient. Guy: Friggin' Python. System: GRAAARR! [[The next three panels are blank]] [[Girl showing laptop to guy]] Girl: But according to this email forward, Santa is secretly a Muslim! Guy: It explains everything! [[The next panel is blank]] Girl: Okay, the cloned raptors are hunting the last of the cyborgs. We're safe. Guy: Are you sure you thought this through? [[The next three panels are blank]] [[Two couples appear in this next panel]] Guy: Are the raptors contained? Second girl: Sure. Unless they figure out how to build lightsabers. [[The next panel is blank]] [[Guy with hat fighting with a raptor using lightsabers]] Guy: It's all right. I've got her. [[Lightsaber appears from behind]] <<Snap-hiss!>> Guy: ...Clever girl. [[The next three panels are blank]] [[Bill Gates is holding a weapon over Santa's body. The two girls are watching]] Girl: Great. Bill Gates kills Santa. Bill Gates: I thought it was Stallman with a dyed beard. [[The next five panels are blank]] [[Girl and guy with hat are looking at a tree]] Girl: Where did you get this Christmas tree? Guy: Nowhere. Girl: Did you cut down the Yggdrasil? Guy: ...Maybe. [[The next panel is blank]] [[Girl and guy holding hands and looking at reader]] Narrator: Merry Christmas from XKCD <3 [[The last panel is blank]] {{title text: 'How could you possibly think typing 'import skynet' was a good idea?'}}

We visit a bio lab: [[Man and woman visit a bio lab where they look into a tank that the scientists point at.]] Scientist- "These are cuttlefish." [[Image of a cuttlefish]] They're frighteningly smart, have manipulating arms and tentacles, have ink jets, can dart backwards and see the polarization of light through their w-shaped pupils. And their sides are 200 dpi display screens which they use for camouflage and communication. Scientist - "When we realized how intelligent they were, we began to teach them. They've advanced quickly. Cuttlefish: GO." [[Cuttlefish float out of the tank at man and woman]] Cuttlefishes- "Kill the physicists... kill the physicists" [[Cuttlefish zap the man and Megan as they fall]] Man- [[Waking up from his sleep]] "Oh god. I knew it." XKCD - Salutes Bio Majors [[Bottle is pouring into a flask, and a man takes the flask and drinks from it]] If we join you against the chemists, will you train your fleshy minions to leave us alive? {{Alt-Text: Unless the CS Majors finish the robot revolution before you finish the cephalopod one}}

[[Bar graph title: Usefulness to career success]] 900 hours of classes [[small bar]] 400 hours of homework [[small bar]] One weekend messing with Perl [[huge bar]] {{title text: And the ten minutes striking up a conversation with that strange kid in homeroom sometimes matters more than every other part of high school combined.}}

A guide to [[line break, bigger text]] understanding flow charts [[line break, normal text]] presented in flow chart form. 0.Box: Start [[Arrow|Text=null Target=1.Box]] 1.Box: Do you understand flow charts? [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=2.Box]] [[Arrow|Text='No' Target=4.Box]] 2.Box: Good [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=3.Box]] 3.Box: Let's go drink. [[Arrow|Text='6 drinks' Target=Final.Box]] 4.Box: Okay. You see the line labeled "yes"? [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=6.Box]] [[Arrow|Text='No' Target=5.Box]] 5.Box: But you see the ones labeled "no". [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=End1.Box]] [[Arrow|Text='No' Target=End2a.Box]] End1.Box: Wait, what? [[NoArrows]] End2a.Box: Listen. [[Arrow|Text=null Target=End2b.Box]] End2b.Box: I hate you. [[NoArrows]] 6.Box: ...and you can see the ones labeled "no"? [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=3.Box]] [[Arrow|Text='No' Target=7.Box]] 7.Box: But you just followed them twice! [[Arrow|Text='Yes' Target=8a.Box]] [[Arrow|Text='No' Target=8a.Box]] 8a.Box: (That wasn't a question.) [[Arrow|Text=null Target=8b.Box]] 8b.Box: Screw it. [[Arrow|Text=null Target=3.Box]] Final.Box: Hey I should try installing FreeBSD! {{Title text: At 8 drinks, you switch the torrent from FreeBSD to Microsoft Bob. C'mon, it'll be fun!}}

Narrator: I got this gun that shoots marshmallows. [[A man removes a marshmallow gun from a box.]] [[Man shoots woman with marshmallow gun from offpanel.]] <<POP POP POP>> <<WHAP WHAP WHAP>> <<POP>> [[Woman sighs]] <<POP POP>> [[Woman removes a super soaker from desk drawer.]] [[Woman shoots offscreen man with super soaker.]] Man: (offscreen) AUGH! <<FWOOSH>> Man: (offscreen) Man, I forgot that was there. Narrator: The next day, everyone else got them too. [[Woman and beret guy brandish marshmallow guns.]] Woman: Hey noob! Eat stay-puft(R)! [[Woman shoots marshmallow gun.]] <<POP POP POP>> [[Man shoots marshmallow gun.]] <<POP POP POP>> [[Woman and man shoot marshmallows into the air, crossing the streams of fire.]] Beret Guy: (offscreen) No, don't cross the ~ <<FOOM>> <<ROAAAR>> [[Woman, Man, and Beret Guy are all standing with weapons pointed at the ground]] Woman: Okay, this is bad. Offscreen: You're shooting what? {{title text: Except in reality crossing a stream of marshmallows would create a giant Bill Murray.}}

[[Man leans on desk; Woman sits behind desk.]] Man: Did you ever figure out those mysterious woodchips? Woman: The ones in the hallway? No. Man: You didn't suspect that they matched the timber used in 1861 to build the "ghost ship" Mary Celeste, prompting you to send them to a lab for analysis, the results of which raised new and stranger questions? Woman: No, I threw them out. Why? {{My hoaxes need to get a lot less subtle.}} {{alt-text: You didn't run a chemical analysis against the Shroud of Turin? Man, all that work for NOTHING.}}

[[Man with hat and his female lover are talking and holding hands]] Hat Man: You're my dearest darling danish. Hat Man's Girl: And you're my lovely cutie pie. Hat Man: Well, you're -- [[Another man enters]] [[Hat man and his female lover look at each other]] [[Hat man is holding a bloody sack, while his female lover is pushing down on a shovel to make a hole for the body.]] {{Alt-Text: Or perhaps they knew he was there, and were just trying to torment him first.}}

Male: "Mmm, simultaneous orgasms" Female: "That wasn't simultaneous" Male: "Huh? It totally was!" A common disagreement when one of you is doing all the moving {{Alt Text: I'm leaving you for your twin. He's more mature than you by now.}}

[[A boy is talking to a girl.]] Boy: I have a crush on you. [[Boy is shown alone.]] Boy: I could ask you out, and move on with my life if you said no. Boy: Or, WE COULD BE FRIENDS! Boy: See, I don't want to consider that you might not be attracted to me. I'm scared of rejection, so I've decided relationships should grow smoothly out of friendships. [[Girl is shown sitting at her computer.]] Boy: When you have problems, I'll be there for you, night after night. Boy: Selflessly. Computer (Instant message from boy): *hug* [[Girl is shown slamming door and walkng to boy to get a hug.]] Boy: I'll tear down the jerks you date, and wait for you to realize how good I am for you. That only I will ever understand you. <<SLAM>> Girl: <<Sniff>> Boy: There there [[Boy is shown alone again.]] Boy: You don't want to hurt my feelings, and I won't ever force the issue. I'll tell myself it's because I "Value our friendship." Boy: Bit by bit, I'll make you depend on me. [[Boy and girl are shown sitting on a rock in a park, reading a book together.]] Boy: You'll think about how long it would take to build this kind of connection again. [[Boy and girl are shown sitting on a couch drinking, getting closer, and kissing.]] Boy: And in a moment of weakness Boy: and loneliness Boy: you'll give in. [[Girl is shown sitting at the computer with boy behind her facing the other way washing dishes]] Boy: It'll feel comfortable and natural. You'll quietly revise your definition of love and try to be happy. And sometimes you will be. [[Girl is shown siting at the computer.]] Boy: Only the wistfulness in your gaze and the tiny pause before you say "I love you" will hint that this wasn't the ending you'd hoped for. Boy: Sound good? [[Girl is holding hands with another boy, talking to boy.]] Girl: ...I'm going to date this jerk. Boy: But he doesn't respect you! {{title text: Friends with detriments.}}

Television: With the collapse of the dollar, the government has endorsed an alternate currency. Your monetary worth is now determined by the number of funny pictures saved to your hard drive. Caption: I have been preparing for this moment all my life. {{Title text: For the first time ever, the phrase, 'I'd like to thank everyone at 4chan for making me successful and happy' is uttered.}}

[[Rainy, cold, windy street; girl is walking along street; narration is from girl's point-of-view]] Narrator: The weather outside is frightful. Narrator: I hate trudging through the icy slush and biting sleet. Narrator: But it beats lying in our warm, cozy bed Narrator: Listening to you talk about DRM for hours on end Boy: (offscreen) Come back! Just listen to this one quote from Free Culture {{title text: I mean, I can barely hear myself complaining about Battlestar Galactica.}}

[[Boy tosses contraption off of building with egg in it.]] [[Egg cracks and little chick flies out while people look quizzically at the hatched egg.]] <<crack!>><<chirp, chirp>> [[Device with cracked egg lands on ground.]] {{Title: I hear my brother Ricky won his school's egg drop by leaving the egg inside the hen.}}

[[A man wearing a beret, extension cord in hand, approaches Randall as he works at his computer.]] Beret: Can I plug my extension cord over here? Randall: No. Beret: Why? Randall: Solar Flares. [[A diagram is displayed, illustrating the Earth's magnetic field being permanently impacted by a large solar flare (represented by a large arrow).]] [[A second diagram is presented, illustrating the Earth's rotation and the resulting impact that the solar flare would have on the earth's magnetic field. ]] Randall: A large solar flare could dent the Earth's magnetic field inwards. The Earth's spin could then induce a strong current in any long conductors, melting them and starting fires. By extending your cord, you could kill us all. [[Stunned, the man wearing the beret looks down at the cord he carries.]] Beret: Really? Randall: Warn your friends. [[Dejected, the man walks away, cord in tow.]] [[Randall looks up from his computer as he is braced by his girlfriend, a stern look in her face.]] Girlfriend: That was MEAN. Randall: Listen, SOMEBODY has to keep MythBusters in business. Next season should be fun. {{title text: The MythBusters need to tackle whether a black hole from the LHC could REALLY destroy the world.}}

Man: So does the carpet match the drapes? Woman: Yes but not the upholstery. [[Woman walks away]] [[Man looks confused]] {{title text: Wait, What?}}

[[A young male and female are holding hands, and the female is pointing off to the side.]] Female: Oh, hey, it's twelve of the dudes from control group B! I'm cool with her past lesbian experimentation, but I wish she hadn't insisted the experiments be scientifically rigorous. {{title text: I understand large sample sizes are key to a low sigma, but the entire sophomore class?}}

[[Black Hat Guy is holding up a video game. Woman is holding up a harness.]] Black Hat Guy: Hey. I sold your Roomba on Craigslist so I could buy myself Left 4 Dead. Woman: But I eBayed your XBox so I could get this dueling harness for my Roomba! Black Hat Guy: Aww. Woman: Aww. {{alt text: Every Roomba needs a dueling harness..}}

[[Man is walking, alone in desert. Man is narrating his own situation]] Narrator: So I'm stuck in this desert for eternity. Narrator: I don't know why. I just woke up here one day. Narrator: I never feel hungry or thirsty. Narrator: I just walk. Narrator: Sand and rocks... Narrator: ...stretch to infinity. Narrator: As best as I can tell. [[Man is sitting in the desert, in a contemplative position]] Narrator: There's plenty of time for thinking out here. Narrator: An eternity really. [[Man is sketching stuff in the sand]] Narrator: I've rederived modern math in the sand Narrator: and then some. [[Different graph types are depicted]] Narrator: Physics too. I worked out the kinks in quantum mechanics and relativity. Narrator: Took a lot of thinking, but this place has fewer distractions than a Swiss patent office. [[Man is walking along the desert, laying out rocks]] Narrator: One day I started laying down rows of rocks. [[Man continues to deploy rocks]] Narrator: Each new row followed from the last in a simple pattern. [[Image continues to zoom out showing laid out rocks]] Narrator: With the right set of rules and enough space, Narrator: I was able to build a computer. Narrator: Each new row of stones is the next iteration of the computation. Narrator: Sure it's rocks instead of electricity, but it's the same* thing. Narrator: Just slower. Notation: *Turing-complete [[Man in contemplative pose]] Narrator: After a while, I programmed it to be a physics simulator. [[Image of binary encoding depicted in rocks]] Narrator: Every piece of information about a particle was encoded as a string of bits written in the stones. [[Representations of two particles interacting]] Narrator: With enough time and space, I could fully simulate two particles interacting. [[Man standing before the vastness of the desert]] Narrator: But I have infinite time and space. [[Depiction of a universe]] Narrator: So I decided to simulate a universe. [[Man is walking about his rocks, changing placement]] Narrator: The eons blur past as I walk down a single row. [[Zoom out of the rows of rocks]] Narrator: The rows blur past to compute a single step. [[Shows placement of two rocks]] Narrator: And in the simulation... [[The two rocks have moved; an after-image of their previous placement is present]] Narrator: ...another instant ticks by. [[Man #2 observes a mote of dust vanish]] Narrator: So if you see a mote of dust vanish from your vision in a little flash or something [[Man is rearranging rocks]] Narrator: I'm sorry. I must have misplaced a rock... Narrator: ...sometime in the last few billions and billions of millennia. [[Man in front of the vastness of his infinite desert]] Narrator: Oh and... [[Man is in a classroom setting, girl and professor are present]] Narrator: if you think the minutes in your morning lecture are taking a long time for _YOU_... {{title text: I call Rule 34 on Wolfram's Rule 34.}}

[[A woman sits at her computer, a man standing behind her. The woman speaks first.]] Woman: Another ISP's filtering content. Man: Thank God for Crypto. [[The man stands alone; the woman is presumably off-panel left.]] Man: It wasn't that long ago that RSA was illegal to export. Classified a munition. [[The woman, sitting in her chair, is looking back towards the man, presumably off-panel right.]] Woman: You know, I think the crypto community took the wrong side in that fight. We should've lobbied to keep it counted as a weapon. Man: Why? [[She is now turned around in the chair looking at the man, who is in-panel again.]] Woman: Once they get complacent, we break out the second amendment. [[The man has his hand on his chin, contemplatively.]] Man: ...Damn. {{Title text: It's totally a reasonable modern analogue. Jefferson would have been all about crypto.}}

[[Map of world with North America centered. An "x" is placed near east coast. Asia is labeled "The East" and Europe "The West."]] "The East" <- West x (me) East -> "The West" This always bugged me.

[[Man in a beret sits at a computer. A second man sits on the couch, which is facing the opposite direction, reading a book]] Man in beret: According to the A.S.T paper, every galaxy is being pulled toward one area of the sky Man in beret [[off-panel]]: They hypothesize that it may be due to a supermassive object beyond the edge of the visible universe. Man on the couch: Maybe it's your mom - Zing! Man in the beret: Do you think? [[Outside at night. Man in the beret is looking through a telescope.]] Man in beret: Pull Harder, Mom. - I Miss you. {{Title text: The Pioneer anomaly is due to the force of my love.}}

Satan: Mortal! I come offering a deal - Guy: Read the sign. Satan: "By entering this room, you agree to forfeit your own soul rather than negotiate with the mortal within..." Wait, you can't - Guy: Too late. Caption: Mephistopheles encounters the E.U.L.A.

[[Character sits at his computer desk, staring at his computer.]] It's over. After twenty months it's finally over. I don't have to be an election junkie anymore. [[Closeup of character's face and screen.]] I don't have to care about opinion polls, exit polls, margins of error, attack ads, game-changers, tracking polls, swing states, swing votes, the Bradley effect, or <name> the <occupation>. I'm free. [[Character staring at his computer screen, full shot.]] [[Character types on his computer.]] <<Tap Tap>> [[On screen]]Google "2012 polling statistics" {{Title text: "Someday I'll be rich enough to hire Nate Silver to help make all my life decisions. 'Should I sleep with her?' 'Well, I'm showing a 35% chance it will end badly.' "}}

[[A classroom scene. There are two desks, and the front one is occupied by the STUDENT. The TEACHER stands panel right facing the student.]] Miss Lenhart (Teacher): Okay class, I've turned in your exams for grading. Now -- Student: Miss Lenhart? [[View is now simply student in desk and teacher. Teacher looks horrified.]] Student: I used a #3 pencil instead of a #2. Will that mess anything up? Miss Lenhart (Teacher): You WHAT? [[Teacher stands, covering her head, in front of an off-panel right explosion. The UNSEEN SPEAKER is off-panel right.]] <<AIEE>> <<BLAM>> Unseen Speaker: OH GOD! [[The student and teacher are left-panel, both looking shocked. The UNSEEN SPEAKER is still off-panel right.]] Unseen speaker: OH GOD! Unseen speaker: I've never seen so much blood! {{Title text: Also, after all the warnings about filling in the bubbles completely, I spent like 30 seconds on each one.}}

{{The Senate. Hat Guy sits before the committee at his hearing to become Internet Secretary.}} Chairman: We were convened here to review your nomination for the position of internet secretary. Chairman: However, on review of your qualifications, we've decided to sentence you to death. Chairman: An unorthodox move, sure. But the vote was unanimous. {{Hat Guy is leaning back in his chair.}} [[Meanwhile . . .]] Tron Paul: There's no grid! How do I steeeeer!!!!! {{Back at the Senate. Hat Guy is standing.}} Hat Guy: Well, it's been fun. But I was never actually interested in taking the position. Good lord; listening to internet arguments all day? No thank you. Chairman: Then why did you sit through all those hearings? Hat Guy: It was taking us a while to move the pumps into the maintenance tunnels. {{The committee members murmur among themselves.}} {{There is a panel in the floor between Hat Guy and the committee.}} <<RUMBLE>> <<plink>> <<plink>> {{A red playpen ball bursts out of the panel and rolls towards the committee chairman.}} <<plink>> {{The room is still. Hat Guy's arms are folded.}} {{A geyser of red, white, and blue playpen balls bursts through the panel in the floor. Hat Guy is already gone.}} <<FOOM>> {{The committee members chase Hat Guy out the door as the Senate floor floods with playpen balls.}} {{The chase continues into the rotunda, as does the flood of playpen balls.}} {{Hat Guy stands in the middle of the rotunda as it fills with playpen balls, surrounded by members of the committee.}} Committee Members: Security! Someone! Committee Members: Get Him! {{Tron Paul bursts through the wall.}} <<CRASH>> Tron Paul: Aaaaa! {{Hat Guy grabs the bottom of the lightcycle as Tron Paul goes by.}} <<snag>> Tron Paul: Hey! {{Hat Guy swings onto the top of the light cycle.}} {{Hat Guy crouches on top of the light cycle.}} Tron Paul: Get Off! {{Tron Paul and Hat Guy crash through the far wall of the rotunda.}} <<CRASH>> {{Tron Paul hits the ground.}} <<WHAM>> Tron Paul: Ow! {{Hat Guy runs away.}} Tron Paul: Ughhh. {{The lightcycle disappears.}} Tron Paul: I feel queasy . . . Cory Doctorow, above: Hey! Hat Guy: Hi, Cory. Cory Doctorow: Need a lift? Hat Guy: Sure. {{Hat Guy and Cory Doctorow depart in Doctorow's balloon.}} Cory Doctorow: So are you, like, a fugitive now? Hat Guy: Well, I never did give them my name . . . [[But in the rotunda]] {{Senators play in the playpen balls.}} Senators: Let's jump down here from the balcony! Senators: Senior senators first! Senators: Wheeee! Senators: I'm a submarine! [[All is forgiven.]] {{title text: And they choose Al Gore as Internet Secretary.}}

[[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp floats]] Pilot: Sir! The balloon is hailing us! [[Cory Doctorow's balloon appears]] Cory: Ahoy. Ron Paul: Doctorow! Cory: I won't let you stop this nomination. We bloggers watch out for our own. Ron Paul: Stand aside, Cory. Cory: Nay! Ron Paul: Very well. Battle stations! [[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp's gun takes aim]] <<Whirrr kachunk>> [[Cory Doctorow's balloon's gun takes aim]] <<Whirrrr kachunk>> [[Both airships open fire]] <<Pew pew pew>> <<Pew pew>> <<Boing! Boing!>> [[Inside the Ron Paul Revolution blimp's control room]] Pilot: We're taking damage! Ron Paul: Keep firing! Pilot: No good! We're losing altitude! [[Outside the Ron Paul Revolution blimp, it hangs smoking in the air]] Ron Paul: All engines full! Pull up! Pilot: Can't, sir! [[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp begins to sink, smoking more heavily]] [[The blimp sinks further]] Pilot: Sir, maybe if we dropped all this gold... Ron Paul: Never! [[Inside the control room, tilted slightly]] Pilot: We've lost, sir. We have to abort. Ron Paul: Not yet, we don't! Open the loading bay doors. [[Camera zooms out slightly]] Ron Paul: You take the blimp and fall back. <<click>> Ron Paul: I've got a message to deliver. <<Whirr>> [[Ron Paul tosses his cane aside]] [[Ron Paul steadily transforms into Tron Paul]] Narrator: RON PAUL evolves into TRON PAUL [[Light cycle begins to form]] [[Tron Paul bends over the light cycle]] [[Light cycle finishes its formation]] [[Light cycle speeds off, trailing an American flag]] {{title text: It's time to draw the line.}}

[[The confirmation hearings begin...]] Senator: It appears you have quite an arrest record. Senator: Is it true you completely disassembled someone's car outside a Starbucks? Hat Guy: It was parked across two spaces. Senator: You stole a red Fokker triplane and strafed the snoopy float at the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade? Hat Guy: Got three mimes, too. Senator: You disrupted a 9 11 truth meeting, insisting the Twin Towers never actually collapsed? Hat Guy: I have evidence! Don't trust the media! Wake up, sheeple! Senator: You were fired from Radio Shack after you built a death ray and vaporized a customer? Hat Guy: I was just testing it! Figures that'd be the one day there was a shopper in the aisle. Senator: And you were thrown out of Microsoft headquarters for... trying to feed a squirrel through a fax machine? Hat Guy: I forgot about that! it was part of an argument with Steve Ballmer about Vista. Which I won, by the way. Senator: This is the worst history of vandalism, gleeful mayhem, and general recalcitrance we've seen in a nominee since Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Senator: And this--you stole a nuclear submarine? Hat Guy: I plead the third. Senator: You mean the fifth? Hat Guy: No, the third. Senator: You refuse to quarter troops in your house? Hat Guy: I have few principles, but I stick to them. Meanwhile... [[Aboard Ron Paul's blimp]] Pilot: We're nearing Washington, sir. Wait... There's something ahead on the sensors. Pilot: It's a balloon. Ron Paul: ...Oh, no. {{Title Text: He actually installed each piece in a different car on the lot, then built a new car in the spot from the displaced pieces. It's a confusing maneuver known as the auto-troll shuffle.}}

News Anchor: Breaking news--the President has made a nomination to the new post of Internet Secretary. We know little about the man, shown here. Image Caption: Possibly a haberdasher? News Anchor: Attempts to reach the nominee at home were unsuccessful. Reporter: What the hell kind of apartment has a moat? News Anchor: To understand the culture from which he came--and which he may soon administer--we sent a reporter to what we're told is the source of that culture. Tom? Tom: I'm coming to you live from the 4chan b board. Despite the tube cloggage, nascent memes are flying fast and furious. News Anchor: Why are you wearing a helmet, Tom? Tom: I'm not sure. [[Meanwhile in Ron Paul's blimp...]] Ron Paul: Ahoy! What news of the blogs? Pilot: Dr. Paul! The President's named his nominee! Ron Paul: It's not me? Ron Paul: Wait! I remember that guy from the campaign! He's a notorious troll! Ron Paul: They mustn't put him in charge. Quick, call the capitol! Pilot: Can't, sir. The tubes just went down completely. Ron Paul: Blast! Ron Paul: Then we'll go ourselves. Full speed ahead! {{The blimp advances minutely.}} {{The blimp advances minutely.}} {{The blimp advances minutely.}} Ron Paul: I said full speed! Pilot: It's a blimp, sir! {{Title text: That helmet won't save him.}}

Spring 2009- The new president faces a crisis... [[Man is talking to an unseen Mr. President, who is sitting behind a desk.]] Man: Mr. President, the bloggers are restless Mr. President: What are they a-twitter about now? Man: It's the tubes sir. They're clogged. We put too much stuff on them. Mr. President: How bad is it? Man: The internet could be inoperative within days. Man: We can't let a crucial resource go unshepherded. Mr. President: Go on. Man: I recommend you appoint a Secretary of the Internet. Someone to impose some orders on this mess. Mr. President: Ordering bloggers around? Doesn't sound easy. Man: No; it's like herding lolcats. Mr. President: What? Man: Nothing. Mr. President: Do you have someone in mind for the post? Man: I know just the guy. Soon: Phone: <<Ring>> [[Man-with-hat looks away from his computer at the ringing phone]] {{Alt-Text: The blueprints for the Department of the Internet offices call for Ceiling cat-themed sprinkler heads.}}

Person: I know you shouldn't feed the trolls, but sometimes they just provoke me to where I can't help replying. Hat Guy: Yeah, me too. Yesterday this guy kept spamming "First!" So I got a set of actuarial tables and spent twenty minutes telling him when all his childhood heroes would likely die. Person: ... Person: Remind me never to upset you, ever. Hat Guy: 2038: Last of the original Star Wars cast dies. Person: Augh! {{Title Text: I started to do the tables for more famous people but it got really depressing and morbid and I had to go outside. Hat guy wins again.}}

[[A first-person view of a family scrabble game at a table. The two letters on the board are 'HI' and the letters in your hand are 'CLTORIS']] This always happens to me in family scrabble games. {{title text: A veteran Scrabble player will spot the 'OSTRICH' option.}}

[[A person with a handheld device sits on an office chair]] (Every other panel is the device making a "beep beep") Device: On Twitter Device: An odd regression: Device: Ancient memes Device: Find new expression Device: Burma-shave {{title text: If long tooltips cut off for you then upgrade from Firefox 2 Burma Shave}}

Morning Routine: 1. Wake up 2. Catch up on the lives of friends from around the world 3. Get out from under the covers Laptops are weird. {{title text: I had a really hard time not writing '... profit!'}}

[[Man and woman are talking, and the man is walking away from the woman. Woman is holding a an open envelope]] Woman: I'm sorry. The google maps team hired me. Man: But I can't move to California Woman: Then I guess this is the end. Man: It can't be! ... Listen. [[Man is holding woman's hands in his]] Man: When I look deep into your eyes, I see a future for us. Woman: Look deeper. [[Man looks deeper into Woman's eyes.]] Man: "We're sorry, but we don't have imagery at this zoom level"? They... they have you already. {{Alt-Text: Listen, they request that you stop submitting a listing for your house labeled 'WHERE YOU BROKE MY HEART'.}}

Thinking of buying from audible.com or iTunes? Remember, if you pirate something, it's yours for life. You can take it anywhere and it will always work. [[There is a flowchart whose paths are (You're a Criminal)<-Pirate<-(Buy or Pirate)->Buy->(Things Change)->(You Try to Recover Your Collection)->(You're a Criminal)]] But if you buy DRM-locked media, and you ever switch operating systems or new technology comes along, your collection could be lost. And if you try to keep it, you'll be a criminal (DMCA 1201). So remember: if you want a collection you can count on, PIRATE IT. Hey, you'll be a criminal either way. (If you don't like this, demand DRM-free files) {{Title text: I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audiobook playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music that I ever paid for.}}

Title text: XKCD presents a guide to numerical sex positions: 69 [[traditional sixty-nine position, mutual oral sex]] 99 [[sort of a standing doggy-style position]] 71 [[girl is bent over a table]] 34 Guy: Uh. [[guy and girl look confusedly at each other]] 8^(1 2) Narrator: Guys? [[guy and girl are staring blankly at each other]] ln(2 pi) Narrator: Aww, c'mon... [[girl begins walking away]] {{title text: We didn't even get to the continued fractions!}}

[[Man and woman are in the same panel]] Woman: we need to talk. [[Pans back to a panel with a window, which the man looks back at]] [[Man throws grenade]] <<POW>> [[Grenade fizzles, man and woman both look down at it]] <<sssss>> Woman: [[puts her hand to her face]]<<cough>> [[Alarm above them starts beeping]][[Man and woman look up]] BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP-- [[Man and woman look down at the grenade again]] [[Man slowly walks away as the alarm continues to beep]] [[Man opens the window]] <<Rattle rattle>> [[Pans back to the full view, the alarm is still beeping and the man looks back at the woman, who is face-palming]] [[Woman walks away, man looks at window]] {{Alt-Text: 'The sad thing is that I just wanted to talk about your poor smoke-bomb techniques.'}}

Sizes Accurate on a vertical log scale [[Series of images of characters doing various things. Thei things they are doing are listed in left to right order]] Man and woman playing in a ball pen Woman using witchcraft to ban vista "Out, Vista!" Two girls play Rock Band Man and woman are having "fun" on a shaking bed. [[Below this series of images, an image of a man on the computer]]: Man is on computer and the image expands as it goes down. Here are the labels from left to right, up to down: CD DVD Case North Bridge Ps 2 Mouse (a physical mouse) RAM CPU Socket Pin 2,767 Angels Dancing (one more and they'd roll over and become 32,768 Devils), Rice, Torrent (a bug), CPU, upcoming segfault dust mite hair OVUM Data (a pixel on Rick Astley's shoulder), rust mite, fork(); Peter Norton fighting a baxteriophage memory carbon nanotubes space elevator a line of silicon (Si), Electron Cloud, a man made out of arrows saying "sup? Silicon nucleus IPod femto Brian Greene knitting furiously <<clank, clunk>> {{Alt Text: The Planck length is another thousand or two pixels below the comic.}}

[[On the left side of the panel, is a massive TV screen, large speakers, and similar devices, all connected to a "Game Station 20,000" console. A man, however, is over on the right side of the panel, on a modestly-sized computer.]] Man: Ooh, I think I've got it figured out! Okay, one more hour. <<Beep>> <<Plunk>> Caption: The most powerful gaming systems in the world still can't match the addictiveness of tiny in-browser Flash games. {{title text: Although ... who else can't wait for them to incorporate that Wiimote head-tracking stuff into games? Man, the future's gonna be *awesome*.}}

[[Line graph shown with an inverse curve]] [[Y-Axis: Probability book is good]] [[X-Axis: Number of words made up by author]] [[The curve becomes less steep as the number of words increase]] {{Quote at the bottom of the text}}"The Elders, or Fra'as, guarded the farmlings (children) with their krytoses, which are like swords but awesomer..." {{Fra'as, farmlings, krytoses and awesomer are italicised}} {{Alt-Text: Except for anything by Lewis Carroll and Tolkien, you get five made-up words per story. I'm looking at you, Anathem.}}

[[Map of the universe from observable universe to Earth. Each area of item is labled]] Lables [[Left to Right, Up to Down]]: [[Man in Hat is throwing a black kitty down]] Black Cat: mrowl! Top of Observable Universe 46 Billion Light Years Up Hubble Deep Field Objects -One Billion Light Years- Great Attractor Antanne Galaxies (Colliding) Andromeda Holy Crap Lots of Space - One Million Light Years- Magellanic Clouds Edge of Galaxy Galactic Center Crab Nebula Orion Nebula Horsehead Nebula Romulan Neutral Zone The PLEIADS, Duh. Rigel Bete (Geuse) Ford Prefect - Expanding Shell of Radio Transmissions [[Arrows are pointing up]] - Edge of Federation Sector 0-0-1 Pollux Arcturus Missing Winds Alpha Centauri Sirius Barnard's Star - One Parsec - - One Light Year - Oort Cloud (?) Bupkis Comet Which will destroy Earth in late 2063 Pioneer 10 Eris (All hail Discordia!) Voyager I Pluto (Not a planet. Neener neener.) Neptune Uranus Saturn Asteroids <~life~> Jupiter Venus Mars Sun Mercury Aircraft: Hey a heaping bowl of salt! "Open the fridge door, Hal." Moon Human Altitude Record (Apollo 13) 2nd Place: Snoop Dogg Space Elevator - One of these days, promise! - Geosynchronous Orbit- GPS Satellites Aircraft 2: I have no idea how to land Aircraft 2[[continued]]: In retrospect, they [[underlined]] shouldn't [[ underline]] have sent a poet International Space Station Space Junk - Official Edge of Space (100 km) - Meteors - 1 10 ATM - High Altitude Balloons Airliners - 1 2 ATM - Cory Doctrow Shuttle Columbia Lost Everest Helicoptors Man: Woo Python! - 800 m - - 1 km - [[Height progressivly gets smaller and smaller]] Burj Dubai (~800 m) Eiffel Tower (325 m) Kites Great Pyramid (140 m) Redwood (115 m) Pop Fly Oak (20 m) "Hey Squirrels!" Tallest Stilts Brachiosaur (13 m) Giraffe (8 m) [[A man and a woman]] Folks Map Title Text : The Observable Universe, from Top to Bottom ~ On a log scale~ Map Disclaimer: Sizes are not to scale, but heights above the Earth's surface are accurate on a log scale (that is, each step up is double the height.) {{Alt-text: Interestingly, on a true vertical log plot, I think the Eiffel Tower's sides would really be straight lines.}}

[[Man in Hat approaches a girl tying at a computer]] Man in Hat: What are you writing? Girl: Virus. Man in Hat: What's it do? Girl: When someone tries to post a YouTube comment, it first reads it aloud back to them. Narrator: Soon everywhere: [[A person is commenting on YouTube]] <<type>><<type>><<type>> [[Youtube comment is read back]] Commenter: ...I'm a moron. [[Commenter leaves desk]] [[Commenter is seen sitting on steps, depressed]] [[Commenter has head in hands]] Commenter: I... Commenter: I didn't know. {{alt text: Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.}}

[[User sitting at computer desk, surrounded by game boxes]] User: Sweet, beat 'Populous'. Now, on to 'Alpha Centauri'. Caption: Until I can afford 'Spore', I'm just playing through all my old games in order of scale. {{title text: Way to not support the GMA 950 under OS X, Spore. :(}}

[[Man standing in room next to round table, looking out window. Blue and orange sunset visible outside the window]] Narrator: I haven't lived a perfect life. Made plenty of mistakes. Got my share of regrets. [[Viewpoint zooms in onto man and table. Cell phone visible on table.]] Narrator: But there's one thing of which I'm proud. One stand on which I've never wavered. [[Viewpoint zooms in onto cell phone on table.]] Narrator: When someone calls my phone, it makes a goddamn RINGING sound. {{Alt Text: I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.}}

Man with Beret: I FOUND MEGAN'S STAPLE GUN! [[holds up staple gun]] Man: [[holding forehead]] OH NO. Man: [[outside of the panel]] OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU-- Man with Beret: [[kneeling at laptop, stapling DVD to laptop]] INSTALLING DEBIAN! <<KA CHUNK>> Man with Beret: SANDWICHES! <<ka CHUNK ka CHUNK>> Man with Beret: [[running with staple gun]] MUST AFFIX EVERYTHING TO EVERYTHING <<ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK>> [[Megan enters holding tote bag]] Megan: ...HAVE YOU BEEN ABUSING MY STAPLE GUN? Man with Beret: NO. God: [[outside of scene, as voice from above]] YES!