ABCD

[[A picture of various apartment buildings]] Shadowed city slumber silently. A second-story suite. Come craving courtship, selected serendipitously Crazed copulations, a salacious storm of continuous coitus. Spread, straddled, conquered. Countless crashed suitors strewn carelessly. Centre, silken sheets sensuously caressing soft skin, Contentedly sleeps your mom.

[[A meerkat wearing a hat and shirt, and two guys in the background supposedly on a rugby field]] You have to admit--there's no rule on the books saying a meerkat can't play rugby. {{alt text: Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.}}

[[Hat Guy is standing next to a large badge which says FUCK Computational Lingustics]] Hat Guy: And the dumbest thing about emo kids is that... I... You know, I'm sick of easy targets. Anyone can make fun of emo kids. You know who's had it too easy? Computational Linguists. "Ooh, look at me! My field is so ill-defined, I can subscribe to any of dozens of contradictory models and still be taken seriously!" {{alt text: Chomskyists, generative linguists, and Ryan North, your days are numbered.}}

[[A z=fn(x, y) plot, with pointy spikes on the back sloping to a relatively flat front.]] Comment: You are like the prime numbers. Unpredictable turns, unconstrainable. Tantalizingly regular but never quite the same. I am like the Riemann-zeta function. A rippled curtain of the imagined and real. Deeply tied with you in ways incomprehensible. Although, strictly speaking, The Riemann-zeta function couldn't have given your herpes. {{Title Text: The graph is of the magnitude of the function with the real value between 0 and 2 and the imaginary between about 35 and 40. I've misplaced the exact parameters I used}

[[A venn diagram with three sets]] Description of set 1: People who can always make me smile Description of set 2: People who constantly show me new things about the world Description of set 3: People I want to spend the rest of my life with Intersection point: YOU. Intersection of sets 2 and 3: Vanilla Ice {{title text: I'm just trying to explain, please don't be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90's rappers?}}

membership in wicca total firefox downloads [[positive slope graph]] [[Internet Explorer icon]] Keep the Faith [[Outline of a cross]]

The line was actually supposed to be "Frankly, my dear, I couldn't care less." Its just that Clark Gable had Tourette's. [[Gone with the Wind]]

Spoiler Alert! [[Severus Snape is smacking a trenchcoat-clad Trinity off the top of a building with a sled.]] Snape kills Trinity with Rosebud! {{alt: And then it turns out they're both Tyler Durden.}}

[[Two guys stand next to each other talking]] A: I just feel like somewhere out there is the girl for me. B: Yeah. A: Someone loving and caring. B: I know what you mean. A: A girl whose only mode of transportation is the M.C. Hammer Slide. B: Yeah. B: ...Wait, what? [[A girl hammer slides past]] [[A sees girl hammer slide and it's love at first sight]] [[Girl hammer slides over into A's waiting arms]] {{alt text: Once, long ago, I saw this girl go by. I didn't stop and talk to her, and I've regretted it ever since.}}

[[A sky full of jumbo jets is shown in movie poster format.]] Top of the poster: From the creators of last summer's hit thriller Snakes On a Plane comes: Superimposed on the sky and planes: Snakes... on EVERY Plane! Bottom of the poster: Much worse than last time. {{Mouseover text: James suggested this, and I'd have to agree. It'd be much worse.}}

[[A man and a woman are talking to each other]] Man: I've heard that when the Wright brothers argued, they periodically switched sides in the debate to try to encourage a more balanced conclusion. Man: We should try that in our relationship! Woman: It's a neat idea, but I think treating personal issues like a debate will only engender hostility and hurt feelings. Man: No, I think it would help, by forcing us to consider the other person's point of view. Woman: Hmm, maybe you're right. Man: Am not. It's a bad idea. {{alt: I'm not sure if this is actually true}}

[[Two people are standing next to a large pentagram with candles at the points. A figure is hovering above it in a wave of energy.]] Person 1: Sweet. I summoned myself from a parallel universe. Person 2: You know, he could vanish at any moment. Person 2: You should take this chance to make out with yourself. Person 2: . . . you know, _I_ could vanish at any moment. {{alt: It's possible. Better to be on the safe side.}}

[[The panel is black with rough-edged white passages running down through it. A stick figure is holding onto a rope, dangling down one of these passages. White text is in the black sections.]] You were afraid that you would disappear, that you would be lost and forgotten. I held you tight against the dark and said that I would always come for you. Then one day it happened. You were torn from my arms and vanished from this world. Maybe you don't remember my promise. But I meant every word. I hope you're not afraid, wherever you are. You don't need to be. I'm not. I will find you. {{title-text: I'm like the Terminator, except with love!}}

[[A graph, rationalization as a function of speed, increasing exponentially with an asymptote at c]] Related to moral relativism, it states that ethics become subjective only when you approach the speed of light. That is, it's okay to be self-serving, steal, and murder as long as you're going really, really fast. (Note: This is why rap sounds better on the highway at 90 mph) {{It's science!}}

{{Title: Back to the Future}} [[A man and a woman are standing, talking to one another]] Man: This weekend, my professor friend built a time machine out of a DeLorean and I went back in time! I helped make sure my parents got together and helped my dad to be less of a loser. Woman: Wow! Do you still have the time machine? Man: Nah. But I did what I really needed to do. Woman: Uh huh. [[Neither says anything]] Woman: Okay, you remember that my father was in the WTC North Tower, right? Man: Yeah...why? Woman: I...nothing. {{alt text: He's kind of an asshole, when you think about it.}}

[[ Box with a mailing label on one side, and in the front: ]] Miss your loved ones? [[ Picture of a missile launcher ]] You don't have to. RJX-21 Laser Scope {{Alt text: I wish I'd missed you then so I wouldn't be missing you now.}}

[[Picture shows a pathway winding through trees to a sink inside a house, out to some swings and back to ths sink, out to a ball and back to the sink...]] Caption: Jeffy's ongoing struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder {{alt text: This was my friend David's idea}}

[[All the numbers are black except for a heart-shaped red section in the middle.]] 011010010110110001101 111011101100110010101 111001010011110111010 101101001011011000100 111101110110011001010 111100101101111011101 010110100101101100011 011110111011001100101 011110010100111101110 101011010010110110001 001111011101100110010 101111001010011110111 010101101001011011000 101010110100101101100 010011110111011001100 101011110010110111101 110101011010010110110 001001111011101100110 010101111001010011110 111010101101001011011 000100111101110110011 {{alt: i love you}}

[[Various people struggle as the comic disintegrates. Toward the top, people are standing calmly, some holding hands. As the parts of the comic break apart, people try to reach for each other, hold parts together, or curl up into a ball. By the bottom, a person is falling, surrounded by pieces of the comic]] {{title text:#pugglewumper Tashari got me some ink pens! I've been experimenting with them.}}

[[Man standing in front of stool with radio on it]] <<music>>You don't know what it's like to be me! At first, I loved A Simple Plan. Then I realized, with creeping horror, that they were serious. {{alt-text: This is true. The Lyrics are ridiculous.}}

[[A person is talking to someone over the phone.]] Phone: Do you think I could mail a running chainsaw to someone? Person: I doubt it. Phone: What about a baby's first word? Person: Look, your obsession with sending strange things through the mail is getting out of hand. Phone: Can you mail a blank stare? Phone: A dizzying height? Phone: Pi? Person: . . . Phone: Well, did you at least get that package of time I sent you? Person: I . . . you . . . no, I didn't. Phone: Well, there was a lot of it, so it will probably take a while. {{alt: I'm on the USPS No Fly List.}}

[[The Sierpinski Penis Game]] [[A large triangle is shown, with many smaller trianges inside]] [[Words are in the triangles]] Sierpinski game: PENIS! Haha, penis.

Creating an AIM Profile: [[A flowchart is shown.]] Have Friends? -> No -> Link to your LiveJournal Have Friends? -> Yes, and want to alienate everyone else -> INSIDE JOKES! Have Friends? -> Yes -> Have Boyfriend Girlfriend? -> No -> Angsty about it? -> Yes -> Link to your LiveJournal Angsty about it? -> No -> Yes you are -> Angsty about it? Have Boyfriend Girlfriend? -> Yes -> A profile tribute is the greatest possible expression of love. {{title text: This one goes out to xxCrazyPixie1987xx}}

[[A guy points at a girl with his mouth open. A bearded man stands behind him.]] Bearded man: But as THICK as you are, pay attention My words are a matter of PRIDE! Subtitle: My goal: To make enough money to hire Jeremy Irons, the voice of Scar from The Lion King, to follow me around and do my dialogue. {{Alt: Movies that I know word-for-word, part one}}

[[A guy is on the street. Behind him is a house with a lawn.]] Guy's thoughts: I love the time just before sunrise. It's quiet; no one is ever just walking about. It's like a secret. I always hope that I'll find someone else quietly hiding from sleep, and we'll see each other and sit and talk. I guess this is a bad place to meet people. I wish it weren't. [[Guy goes into the house, brushes his teeth, and leaves the house again.]] [[Guy is at a club, disco balls in the ceiling and a giant woofer. Many people are dancing around him.]] {{Title Text: Sometimes, I sit on top of parking decks and watch the sun rise. I feel like I should have a guitar or something.}}

[[Text only panel, hand written.]] Welcome to text-only Counterstrike. You are in a dark, outdoor map. > GO NORTH You have been pwned by a grue.

[[Two men stand and talk to one another.]] First man: Where's my fucking jacket? [[Second man indicates something behind him.]] Second man: Over there, next to your regular one. First man: My what? Second man: Never mind. {{Title text: We have this conversation at least once a day in my apartment}}

Hat Guy: Gravitational mass is identical to inertial mass. That is, the amount of inertia something has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What's interesting is that there doesn't seem to be any reason this should be true. One could imagine an extremely large object with lots of resistance to force and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is never observed. Hat Guy: You know what? I'm just gonna skip the rest of the buildup and say it: Yo mama's fat. {{alt: She's so fat the attraction goes up as the CUBE of the distance instead of the square}}

[[A Livestrong-type bracelet is featured with an Escher twist in it. The band has the letters "WWED" printed on it.]] {{What Would Escher Do?}} {{Alt: The only downside is that it would be a little uncomfortable}}

[[Picture of a suburban house, with lines pointing to various aspects]] High bathroom window: probably secure. Outer door: secure. picture window: VELOCIRAPTOR ENTRY POINT! Narrator: It's been over a decade since Jurassic Park opened, and I still size up buildings for their potential as shelter against velociraptor attacks. {{title text: You're probably thinking, 'has it been a decade'? It's been over thirteen years, buddy.}}

[[Hat Guy is standing on an advancing glacier]] Hat Guy: Dear Sony, Microsoft, the MPAA, the RIAA, and Apple: Let's make a deal. You stop trying to tell me where, when, and how I play my movies and music, and I won't crush your homes under my inexorably advancing wall of ice. [[Alt text: If you're interested in the subject, Lawrence Lessig's 'Free Culture' is pretty good]]

[[Blueprint of a campus. Two buildings in the upper and lower left corners, respectively, and a rectangular lawn. A road encloses the lawn, another road traverses horizontally through the center of the lawn. The character is in the lower left and the upper right corner, where it says "my apartment".]] [[dashed line 1, from the lower-left along the road to the top-left corner, then to the top-right corner]] 60 seconds [[dashed line 2, from the lower-left along the road up to the center crossroads, then diagonally over the lawn to the top-right corner]] 48 seconds (80%) [[dashed line 3, diagonally from the lower-left to the top-right corner]] 44.7 seconds (74%) my apartment #1=t #2=t ((1+sqrt(2)) 3) #3=t(sqrt(5) 3) When I'm walking, I worry a lot about the efficiency of my path. {{alt-text: It's true. I think about this all the time.}}

This happened to my friend: [[Men and women are standing in a row]] Man: English should be the national language. These immigrants should have to learn English when they come here. Woman: Yeah Man: When you go to live somewhere, you learn the language they speak there. English is the language of the land. Other Woman: Excuse me, but osio Sarah dawado. Man: What the hell was that? Other Woman: Woman: Cherokee. {{title text: She's pretty sharp when provoked.}}

[[A girl stands on the left. A man is sitting on the floor with a game controller in his hand. He is looking at a TV on the floor connected to a game console, also on the floor.]] Girl: Can you pause for a moment and help me with something? Man: You know, our love is like a katamari. We travel along, rolling up more and more of the world into our shared experience, taking it and making it our own. Girl: I, you... wow. Geekiness aside, that was actually incredibly sweet. Man: The clutter of everyday life, with a simple core to tie it together, eventually becomes something grand as the world itself. [[A rainbow extends outward from the TV, with "ROYAL RAINBOW!" above it.]] Girl: Okay, also sweet, but now I'm wondering if you could possibly get any gayer. {{alt text: As the King of All Cosmos remarked, 'Is it that it's fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?'}}

[[A stick figure stands alone in the centre of the panel. Tendrils from the frame develop and grow in panels 1 and 2, wind round the figure in panel 3, and finally retreat back to the frame, tearing the stick figure apart in panel 4.]] {{Mouseover text: "..."}}

[[Hat guy is holding a golf club and speaking into a P.A. system]] Hat guy: Attention, Hat guy: To the owner of a Dodge Viper SRT-10 with license plate "MYTOY", your lights are on and your windshield was just smashed with a golf club. {{title text: There's a red convertible outside my building with the license plate 'DADS MNY'.}}

[[A blue driving Mitsubishi with spoiler]] Bumper sticker: This IS my other car. {{title text: It's much better than the other one.}}

Person 1: What time can you pick Michael up? Person 2: Well, I can meet the plane at ten of six. Person 1: Do you know where to find him? Person 2: I'll meet him at the stairs before the gate. {{My hobby: answering casual questions in iambic pentameter.}} {{alt: Of course, you don't wanna limit yourself to the strict forms of the meter. That could get pretty difficult.}}

I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING UNEXPECTED IN THE COMICS. JUST ONE STRIP COULD MAKE UP FOR IT ALL. [[Garfield standing at side of panel]] [[Zoom in on Garfield]] [[Closeup on Garfield's face]] Garfield thought bubble: THE WORLD IS BURNING. [[Tighter closeup on Garfield's face]] Garfield thought bubble: RUN. JIM DAVIS, THROW OFF YOUR COMMERICIAL SHACKLES. CHALLENGE US. GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF DADAIST GLORY. THERE IS STILL TIME. {{alt: The use of the 'Garfield' character for the purposes of this parody qualifies as fair use under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. sec. 107. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music (92-1292), 510 U.S. 569}}

[[Two men are talking in a room with a computer on. One is wearing a black hat.]] First man: I feel like I'm wasting my life on the internet. Let's walk around the world. Man with the black hat: Sounds good. [[The two men are shown walking through trees.]] [[The two men are shown walking on flat stretch, with mountains in the distance.]] [[The two men are shown in a magnificent canyon. They stand, silently looking at the scene.]] First man: And yet all I can think is, "This will make for a great LiveJournal entry." {{title text: I used to do this all the time.}}

[[A man and a woman are talking]] Woman: I worry that I'm just with you because it's familiar. Of course no one else compares. I've known you for so long that I'd have to spend years with someone to build up this kind of connection and I daren't let you go of you long enough to let that happen. Woman: But I guess this is really all I can ask for. I'm happy with you; I should stop worrying. [[Woman takes man's hand]] Man: This is probably a bad time to bring this up, but I don't actually like you. {{title text: :( }}

[["My Hobby: mixing curse levels" is at the top of the panel.]] Random Guy: What a gosh-darned cunt. {{Alt text: I find so much fun in language.}}

[[A square divided into 2x2 squares, the top-right one has an 1 in it, the bottom-right one has a 0, the two left ones are empty]] [[Label: Binary Su Doku]] {{alt text: This one is from the Red Belt collection, of 'medium' difficulty.}}

[[Two guys stand together]] First Guy: What time is it? [[Second guy's watch with the word "Zeppelin!" replacing 11, 12 and 1]] [[Two guys standing together in silence]] [[Large zeppelin above the two guys]] {[title text: A tribute to Buttercup Festival.}}

[[Two men are talking.]] Man 1: How did you spend your morning? Man 2: Feeding rocks to children in the park. Man 1: Your sociopathic abuse of random strangers staggers me. Man 2: I aspire to have more creativity than the common asshole. Man 2: I'm more of a classy asshole -- A class-hole, if you will. For example, I like poking tiny holes in styrofoam noodle cups at the grocery store-- Man 2: Thanks to me, someone gets surprise boiling water in the lap. Man 1: I am in awe. Man 2: It's even more fun to do to condoms. {{alt: A term coined by my friend Beth}}

[[Man standing in forest]] Man: We made it so far together but then I lost you in the trees. [[Closer view of man]] Man: Finally {{Alt-text: It was tricky.}}

[[On a stage, a guy with a beard is in the background, holding a microphone. In the center is a guy with an electric guitar. The catwalk has bumps to resemble the tracks of Guitar Hero.]] When I'm in a rock band, I'm gonna do a cool, mellow song. Then in the middle I'll stop, announce "this part is just to be an asshole to people playing Guitar Hero," and then flail wildly on the strings for 30 seconds. {{Title Text: And then do it again in a moment now that they're out of Star Power}}

Guy: Staring at the ceiling, she asked me what I was thinking about. Guy: I should have made something up. Guy: The Bellman-Ford algorithm makes terrible pillow talk. {{Title Text: Maybe I should've tried Wexler?}}

Comics from 5.30 AM [[A succession of unrelated and completely random panels]] Man 1: It's 80's night at the club. Wanna go? Man 1: There is no Tuesday. Man 2: Jack the Ripper or Jack Black? [[The second man in this panel is holding a glinting sword]] Man 1: You crashed my helicopter! Man 2: Verily! [[A small figure is talking with a larger figure]] Figure 1: Basically, neither of us have shins. Figure 2: Over and out. [[Two men are shown: one with three arms, and another with just two. All arms have round appendages at their ends]] Men: shitshitshitshitshit Men: shitdaylightsavings Men: shitshitshitshitsh [[Two figures with pumpkins (carved with faces) for heads]] Figure 1: You're out of ointment and out of time! [[A diagram of a right-angled triangle, with a theta at the smallest angle]] FUCK THE COSINE Man 1: Does being a mermaid for five minutes make you gay? Man 2: I hope so! [[A man is holding a gun to the head of another]] Man 1: Barbershops are for pussies. Man 1: My hair is bleeding. Man 2: [square root]3 [[Man seems to be walking on the ceiling]] Man 1: Bachelor party! [[Warning sign with picture of spider]] WARNING: STRETCHY DEATH {{title text: The eighth panel is my favourite}}

[[Girl with shoulder length brown hair and glasses, wearing a shirt which says "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons"]] Girl: At least, thanks to your constant fawning, we have an *excuse* for our social ineptness. What's *yours*? {{Title Text: Nothing personal, high schoolers}}

Identifying star clusters: [[Image of a star cluster.]] This is the Pleiades, asshole. Orion's Belt: [[Image of a Orion's Belt.]] Only a moron couldn't find it. This is the Big Dipper: [[Image of the Big Dipper.]] What the hell is wrong with you? {{Medium: Pencil on paper}}

[[Two guys stand together]] First Guy: Man, she's hot Second Guy: Whatever, you are so gay. First Guy: C'mon, everyone knows you're the gay one Second Guy: Hey, your mom's pretty masculine, but sleeping with her doesn't make me gay. First Guy: Fag. Second Guy: Ass pirate. First Guy: Fudge packer Second Guy: Cock jockey First Guy: Cum dumpster. (silent panel) First guy: Okay, seriously, are you gay? Because if you've been holding out on me, we're missing out. Second guy: No, it's cool. First guy: OK me neither. (silent panel) (silent panel) {{alt text: This was an actual mock conversation between me and a friend at TGIF. The waitress walked up around panel 5 and was somewhat put off.}}

[[Hat guy and man standing there talking]] Hat guy: Asolarplexussayswhat? Man: What? [[They continue to stand there]] [[They continue to stand there]] [[Hat guy punches the man in the chest]] {{alt: It hurts to be hit there, you know}}

I want to wish you a happy Valentine's Day but unless this card is going to finally get you naked, I have to admit my heart's not really in it. {{Alt Text: Just pretend you're kidding.}}

[[squiggly heart design]] You make me feel so much it all runs together I wish I could tell you [[crisscrossing heart design]] So few words for so many feelings crisscrossing my heart [[heart matrix design]] A matrix of desire Tangled relations I can't simplify [[Karnaugh map of hearts]] I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love. {{Love and circuit analysis, hand in hand at last.}}

Stacey's Dad: Look, I know you think that since I walked out she could use a guy like you. But trust me. That woman has a lot going on, and you want none of it. Stacey's Dad: Get out while you still can. {{Alt: I bet she gets you to mow the lawn, doesn't she?}}

[[A green car with the text next to it]] My hobby: While everyone is watching the Super Bowl, feeling smugly superior because they're "Only watching for the ads," I steal cars.

[[two girls are talking]] blonde: What do you want to do when you graduate ? brunette: I want to become a lighthouse operator. blonde: Oh ? brunette: Yeah. [[cut to scene of lighthouse with text overlaid]] brunette: Lighthouses are built on interesting pieces of coast, so I'll have an interesting place to walk and swim, and great views of all kinds of weather. I'd feel good about myself and my work every single day. [[cut back to two girls]] brunette: I'd get to be the girl in the tower, only I'd be the one rescuing people. brunette: Why. What do you want to do ? blonde: I'm going to grad school. I don't really know why. brunette: Wanna come hang in my lighthouse over breaks ? blonde: ...yeah. {{title text: Opening dialogue by Scott}}

[[Man and Woman stand]] Man: Why do you love me? Woman: I don't know; My heart never gave me a choice. Man: Aww. [[No dialogue]] Woman: I wish it had. {{title-text:Opening dialogue by Scott}}

[[A man and a woman stand facing one another]] Woman: Why didn't you wait for me? Man: I thought you were gone forever! Woman: I said I'd be back in a minute! Man: The . . . the seconds went fast at first, but then they started to drag on. She was there for me. Woman: You had an affair in the 90 seconds I was gone?! Man: . . . yes. Man: And we had a son. Man: He'd be about your age now. {{Alt-text: Opening dialogue by Scott}}

[[An unusually realistic (for xkcd) pencil drawing of Robert Smith's head and face, with a caption underneath.]] Caption: Robert Smith should do a cover of Coldplay's 'Clocks,' so when he sings "Am I part of the cure or am I part of the disease?" we can say, "Ooh, we know this one!" {{Title Text: My first try at drawing a real face in years.}}

[[Different mathematic equations, all with heart on left side, and all equal question mark. Equations are as follows: Square root of heart equals question mark Cosinus of heart equals question mark Derivative of heart with respect to x equals question mark Identity matrix of heart equals question mark Fourier transform of heart equals question mark]] My normal approach is useless here {{alt text: Even the identity matrix doesn't work normally}}

[[Graph of cosmic microwave background radiation: Y axis is energy density, X axis is frequency in GHz. Energy density peaks at 160.4GHz]] I(f) = ((2hf^3) (c^2))(1 (((hf) (e^kT))-1)) SCIENCE. It works, bitches. {{title text: Bonus point if you can identify the science in question}}

{{My hobby:}} When the police bust drug hideouts, I sneak in and hide. Then I jump out and startle them into shooting me so they lose points. [[A dead body on the ground in a pool of blood, with "-100" over it]] {{Alt: The only one of these games I really played was Area 51)}}

[[Pieces of a quote in circles with lines drawn in between them]] [[Some of the circles are small and colored]] "Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people in the whole world I mean everybody No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside Inside they've all got unimaginable magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing, worlds Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe." --Neil Gaiman Sandman

[[People wearing party hat, a discarded balloon to the side]] We had a malaria party, but it turned out not to be very much fun. {{title text: The malaria party was David's idea.}}

Tycho: You know what? If you've never played the 1995 SNES RPG 'Seiken Densetsu' don't even _bother_ reading today's strip. We don't _need_ your kind here. {{title text: Of course, Penny Arcade has already mocked themselves for this. They don't care.}}

I want to be brave enough to tell you how I feel. I want to say "I love you" _before_ I hang up the phone for once. I want to drive all night with you, listening to mix tapes, not caring where we end up. Oh, and I also really want to get with your sister. I mean, DAMN. {{title text: Well, she's pretty hot.}}

[[A male and female stick figure are standing on a white hill (presumably snow) with a grey sky covered with thick streaks of white, and small pink dots]] we are just two people who found each other {{No more, no less}}

[[A stack of stick figures, standing on each others shoulders extends from the bottom of the frame to the top. Cuboids hang in the air]] The counter-red-spider offensive begins ... {{title text: I hope we can stop them}}

I just want you to share in my secrets [[lonely looking girl staring down]] and not run away {{alt: I'm a big fan of Kurt Halsey}}

[[Label: Schrödinger's Comic]] [[Two figures standing, one with a black hat]] The last panel of this comic is both funny and not funny at the same time. Until you read it, there's no way to tell which it will end up being. Shit. {{alt: There was no alt-text until you moused over}}

[[A man and a woman stand facing one another]] Man: I love you! Woman: I love you! Man: I love you more! Woman: Yeah. [[A man and a woman stand facing one another - saying nothing.]] {{Alt-text: This one makes me wince every time I think about it}}

[[Red spiders, with round appendages at the end of each of their six legs, are seen navigating an environment of blocks and other geometric constructions]] {{title text: This was actually drawn years before Red Spiders}}

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by threatening my agent with a golf club. {{title text: David did this}}

[[A tree holding a chainsaw over a recently cut-down tree.]] I found this in one of my high-school notebooks. I think I drew it just to take revenge on people snooping through my stuff. Cut-down tree: WELL, YOU STUMPED ME... {{I don't want to talk about it}}

[[A crowd of figures stand around in the dark. One figure is illuminated by a beam of light.]] In a dark and confusing world, you burn brightly. I never feel lost. {{Alt-text: Like a beacon.}}

[[A boy is glaring at a model sailing ship floating in a bowl of water.]] Boy: Sooner or later, my friend, one of us will run out of time. {{Alt: For the moment it's a standoff}}

[[Father is standing holding a bowl of Scrapple Jacks in his hand. Son is sitting on the floor playing video games.]] Father: Hey, these don't taste like apples! Son: Fuck off, dad. {{alt text: There used to be these ads, see . . .}}

{{Headline: My hobby: whenever calls something an [adjective]-ass [noun], I mentally move the hyphen one word to the right.}} [[One man is talking to another about a car that resembles a Volkswagen Beetle]] Man: Man, that's a sweet ass-car. {{Title text: I do this constantly}}

In what scientists are calling "pretty gay," I can't find my shoes. {{ alt: A leading expert characterized the situation as 'retarded' }}

Heading: Another from my high-school notebooks. [[A sheep and a potted saguaro cactus linked by an arcing yellow electricity bolt, drawn on graph paper]] {{title text: I think it's the sheep zapping the cactus and not vice-versa}}

[[A sketch of flowers, drawn in red and green]]

[[Guy standing alone]] Guy: I promise never to never again squeeze humor out of self-reference. [[Guy standing alone]] [[Guy standing alone]] Guy: God dammit. {{title text: I think about self-reference a lot. Example: this comment.}}

This one is mostly by my little brother, Doug. [[Person on a tall pillar is talking to person on the group]] Person on pillar: The sky is so blue, and all the leaves are green. Person on ground: Haven' t you ever wondered if we really see the same colors as everyone else? It's all perception. Person on pillar: Well, you might as well call into question all of human experience. Who really knows what world someone else sees? Person on ground: Yeah, I guess. Person on pillar: Anyway, can you help me down from this pole? Person on ground: What pole? {{Title Text: A comic by my brother Doug, redrawn and rewritten by me}}

[[Boy floating on barrel in ocean]] [[Zoomed out view of boy floating on barrel in ocean]] [[Ferret with airplane wings and tail above the ocean]] [[The empty ocean]] [[Flying ferret carrying the boy to safety]] [[Ocean with ferret carrying boy in distance, sun on the horizon]] {{title text: Too good not to happen.}}

[[Three people stand in the foyer of a restaurant. A sign above the entryway reads "JOE'S" and there is a menu next to it. In front of the entryway, there's a host behind a podium. A sign on the podium reads "EAT IN".]] Host: Donner, party of four? Man: Actually, never mind. Woman: We're full. {{title text: Some people haven't heard of the Donner Party. They were pioneers who got stranded and likely resorted to cannibalism.}}

Learning about the Holocaust has really shaken my belief in God. You know, as a young man, Hitler was rejected from art school. Yeah... shame he didn't get in Well, have you seen any of his paintings? They're awful. Defy all rules of composition. What are you suggesting? Maybe there is a god, but he's a real art lover. This is why I don't go out in public with you. {{Alt text: So he's saying that God thought Hitler's art was so bad that the Holocaust was an acceptable alternative. It's no secret that the hat guy is closely based on Aram, from Men in Hats.}}

Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhino? [[Picture of elephant, mathematical addition symbol, picture of rhino, equals sign, large question mark]] A: I haven't a goddamn clue. [[The correct answer to the joke is given in the title text]] {{title text: Hell if I know}}

[[A collection of fictional meat based cereals]] Pork Loops Mice Krispies Hammios Frosted Bacon Flakes Scrapple Jacks Honey Bunches of Goats {{Alt: Disgusting}

[[ Person talks on phone. Cat with many sharp points looks on. ]] Person on phone: Hi, Dr. Elizabeth? Yeah, uh ... I accidentally took the Fourier transform of my cat ... Cat: Meow! {{alt-text: That cat has some serious periodic components}}

[[The barrel is shown, floating sideways in a choppy sea. The boy can not be seen]] {{title text: :( }}

Drawn during an unending NASA lecture. [[Two people are talking, one in a hat.]] Hatless: it's just so hard to compare kids now with kids in the past. you can't help but to belong to one group or the other. Hatless: and of course every generation seems awful to the one before it. look at quotes from throughout history. Hatted: yeah, and it sure would be nice to have some perspective on some of this stuff. I just don't know what to make of it. [[Circles are appearing--maybe snow?]] Hatless: i guess you do what you can to help the people around you and hope it turns out okay. Hatless: in the end, what else can you do? Hatted: lead a crusade? [[We can no longer see the people, just the circles.]] it's presentism, man. the idea that historical context is irrelevant, that we understand it all that we need take no warnings from the follies of the past. that we're facing something new. socrates couldn't imagine the internet. but people don't change. [[We can start to see the corner of a darker circle in the lower right.]] ((The borders between the three panels on this line are cracking.)) have you seen those collections of historical pornography? talk about historical context. did you know the first porn photo was bestial in [[inside a circle:]] nature? at least that stuff was out of the mainstream [[each word in one circle:]] no just in history ((the three panels have merged into one on each row.)) i don't know about you, but [[circled]] I [[uncircled]] never even once seen [[The circles are highly variable in size now, and pressed up against a larger one on the right side.]] [[There is mass of circles of different sizes, with some dark fissures in between, against the side of a large circle which we can see part of in the right half of the panel. They look like cells. There's a tiny square in the center of the giant cell.]] [[We see only the tiny square, centered. It has a few marks inside it.]] [[Closer, the square is divided into rectangles of different sizes, each of which has text in it.]] [[Much closer, we can see fragments of the text. Some are sideways, some are cut off, some are too small to read.]] machine language translated by principles of isomorphism it is a consequence of the Church-Turing thesis that ... but how do you select the channel you wish to se- thou ... shou ... palin ... stri ... it is a ... crab ... [[Closer still, we can just see a huge sideways s and h.]] [[Those letters are faded and mixed with a faded version of the next panel.]] girls take boys away ... never be further than a phone call and a goosebumped shiver away ... drove all night listening to mix tapes ... the past is just practice [[There is a heart at the bottom and, in the lower left, the name Kurt.]] [[The same as the previous panel, but with the words blurred out to scribbles.]] [[Jagged, shaded shapes and strands start to fall. Faint panel borders appear again. There is a person on the far right.]] ((Back to three panels per row.)) [[A man and woman are standing amid the fragments.]] Man: There's too much. And so little feels important. [[The jagged edge of the shaded area is encroaching on the sides of the panel.]] What do you do? [[We see them from farther away through a rough hole in the shaded area. Bits continue to fall around them.]] [[She takes his hand.]] {{Title text: I love the idea here, though of course it's not a great-quality drawing or scan.}}

[[A collection of phrases on T-shirts]] I see dumb people As a matter of fact the world DOES revolve around me I can only please one person per day today is not your day. You know what your problem is? You're stupid. Get a clue Do I look like a people person? Your village called they want their idiot back Go away I hate you all DIE. Help. Maybe if this T-shirt is witty enough, someone will finally love me. Oh God I'm so alone {{Alt: It's depressing how many of these are real shirts}}

[[Large vortex, spinning water covers the whole panel. A boy in a floating barrel is near the edge, apparently about to be sucked in.]] Boy: Wow! {{alt text: A whirlpool!}}

[[ Two people stand in an aisle in a store ]] Person 1: Nice store. How do you keep the floors so clean? Person 2: Oh, we hired this dude named Kepler, he's really good hard worker. Doesn't mind the monotony. Sweeps out the same area every night. {{ alt: Science joke. You should probably just move along. }}

[[A ferret with airplane wings on it]] Friend: Why on earth did you make those wings? You don't seriously think they could let your ferret fly, right? Guy: I... of course not. Guy: That would be pretty dumb. It's just, uh... ...a Halloween costume. Friend: oh, okay. Friend: Besides, who would want a pet to fly anyway? Guy: Yeah. Pretty lame, huh? Friend: Anyway, let's go play video games. [[Friend leaves]] [[Friend is gone, and Guy is looking at ferret]] [[Guy imagines ferret flying over the ocean near the beach using his makeshift wings]] {{title text: My brother had a ferret he loved which died since I drew this strip. RIP.}}

Narrator: I once tried to start the urban legend that George Clinton has a B.A. in mathematics [[George Clinton indicates equations on a blackboard]] Narrator: ...but I wanted it to be true so badly that I started believing it myself. {{Title text: I still wish it were true.}}

{{Author's Comment: This one is entirely James' fault.}} [[Two guys are standing and talking.]] Right Guy: Here, take a bite of this Snapple. Left Guy: food! [[Guy on the right takes a bite]] Right Guy: Ow! What is this? <<CLINK>> Left Guy: It's an apple infused with tin. [[The two guys continue to stand as if frozen]] {{Author's Comment: Those of you who know your periodic table should be laughing right about now.}} {{Title Text: Sn= tin}}

[[A large black circle with white bubbles inside it, filled with hearts, question marks, and stick figure couples]] What if this isn't everything it should be? I'm not even sure how I feel What if I'm making a mistake? {{Title text: I once made an anniversary card for my then-girlfriend with this layout.}}