ABCD

((The comic is one large panel, with different types of map projections listed in two columns. Each listing has an illustration of that projection plus a short paragraph describing the individual who prefers that projection.)) What your favourite Map Projection says about you. Mercator [[A drawing of the Mercator projection is shown. In this the world is distorted to fit into a perfect square, centred on Africa.]] You're not really into maps. Robinson [[A drawing of the Robinson projection is shown. Areas near the poles in this projection are fairly distorted, but the distortion is greatly reduced when moving toward the equator.]] You have a comfortable pair of running shoes that you wear everywhere. You like coffee and enjoy the Beatles. You think the Robinson is the best-looking projection, hands down. Winkel-Tripel [[The Winkel-Tripel projection is similar to the Robinson projection, with less distortion at the poles. However the distortion at equivalent latitudes differs as the longitude varies.]] National Geographic adopted the Winkel-Tripel in 1998, but you've been a W-T fan since long before "Nat Geo" showed up. You're worried it's getting played out, and are thinking of switching to the Kavrayskiy. You once left a party in disgust when a guest showed up wearing shoes with toes. Your favourite musical genre is "post-". Hobo-Dyer [[The Hobo-Dyer projection is a cylindrical projection resulting in significant latitudinal distortion. The result is a rectangular image with the poles vertically compressed, and land near the equator stretched.]] You want to avoid cultural imperialism but you've heard bad things about Gall-Peters. You're conflict-averse and buy organic.l You use a recently-invented set of gender-neutral pronouns and think that what the world needs is a revolution in consciousness. A globe! [[It's a globe.]] Yes, you're very clever. Pierce Quincuncial [[This is a square projection centred over the north pole. The continents stretch out radially from the centre of the map and bits of Antarctica are visible in each corner of the projection.]] You think that when we look at a map, what we really see is ourselves. After you first saw Inception , you sat silent in the theater for six hours. It freaks you out to realise that everyone around you has a skeleton inside them. You have really looked at your hands. ((The second column of projections starts here.)) Van Der Grinten [[This projection displays the continents inside a perfectly circular frame. The continents are displayed with similar distortion to what you would see in the Robinson or Winkel-Tripel projections.]] You're not a complicated person. You love the Mercator projection; you just wish it weren't so square. The earth's not a square, it's a circle. You like circles. Today is gonna be a good day! Dymaxion [[The Dymaxion projection attempts to unfold the earth into a polyhedral net, centred on the north pole. The map has no set shape, instead it looks to be made out of a series of triangles.]] You like Isaac Asimov, XML, and shoes with toes. You think the segway got a bad rap. You own 3D goggles, which you use to view rotating models of better 3D goggles. You type in Dvorak. Goode Homolosine [[The Goode Homolosine projection attempts to minimise distortion by combining two equal area projections onto a split projection. The map resembles a smooth unfolded net, with landmasses kept whole where possible.]] They say mapping the earth on a 2D surface is like flattening an orange peel, which seems easy enough to you. You like easy solutions. You think we wouldn't have so many problems if we'd just elect normal people to congress instead of politicians. You think airlines should just buy food from the restaurants near the gates and serve that on board. You change your car's oil, but secretly wonder if you really need to. Plate Carrée (Equirectangular) [[This projection maps latitude and longitude to a rectangular grid, leading to significant longitudinal distortion near the poles.]] You think this one is fine. You like how x and y map to latitude and longitude. The other projections overcomplicate things. You want me to stop asking about maps so you can enjoy dinner. Waterman Butterfly [[This projection unfolds the world into a net, similar to the Dymaxion projection. It is centred on the Atlantic, and resembles a butterfly with the Americas on the western wing, with Europe and Africa on the eastern wing.]] Really? You know the Waterman? Have you seen the 1909 Cahill map it's based-- ...You have a framed reproduction at home?! Whoa. ...Listen, forget these questions. Are you doing anything tonight? Gall-Peters [[Another rectangular projection, this map suffers significant distortion near the poles, and significant latitudinal distortion in general.]] I hate you. {{Title text: What's that? You think I don't like the Peters map because I'm uncomfortable with having my cultural assumptions challenged? Are you sure you're not ... ::puts on sunglasses:: ... projecting?}}

[[A person is sailing a cat-rigged sailboat. He detaches the mainsheet from the stern.]] [[The sailor pulls back on the mainsheet.]] [[The sailor stands up and pulls harder, causing the sail to arc outward.]] [[He continues pulling as hard as he can, and the sail begins to buckle outward in a semi-circular shape.]] [[Finally, the sail buckles so hard that a bubble forms and detaches from the sail, which begins to return to its normal shape.]] [[The sailor sits down and scratches his head in confusion as the bubble floats away.]] {{Title text: It only works a few times before you have to capsize the boat in a soap lagoon again.}}

[[A person is giving a lecture in front of a white board, pointing to a diagram with a pointer.]] Lecturer: The occulting observatory consists of two parts -- the telescome and the discs. When the telescope sees a star, a disc is carefully steered to block its light. [[A diagram of a satellite (labeled "telescope") with waves going from it on the left, across to the other side of the diagram (labeled "light from star") on the right. In the middle is a small vertical line (labeled "disc"), stopping some of the light waves from the right traveling to the left of the diagram.]] This procedure is repeated until all stars are covered. [[The lecturer looks down at a student.]] Student (off screen): Wait, all? Why? Lecturer: I'll feel better. [[Close-up on lecturer.]] Student (off-screen): I thought the point was to image extrasolar planets. Lecturer: The point is that there are too many stars. -- It's been freaking me out. Student: What? Student#2 (in smaller letters): He has a point... {{Title text: Type II Kardashev civilizations eventually completely enclose their planetary system in a Dyson sphere because space is way too big to look at all the time.}}

[[A person sits at a table, eating a meal.]] Person: Can you pass the salt? [[The person pauses, a bite of food on his fork, silently.]] [[The person still has fork in mid-air.]] Person: I said-- Off-screen Person: I know! I'm developing a system ot pass you arbitrary condiments. Person: It's been 20 minutes! OSP: It'll save time in the long run! {{Title text: I find that when someone's taking time to do something right in the present, they're a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they're a master artisan of great foresight.}}

[[One of them damn kids that won't get OFF MY LAWN plays with some gadgetamabob while ignoring every damn thing around him off in the background. Person 1 with a white hat, along with another person with long hair is in the foreground]] Person 1: See, that's the problem with the MTV generation - no attention span. Person 2: You know, that phrase referred to the 12-19 demographic that formed the core MTV audience in the mid-1980s. Person 1: Uh huh. So? Person 2: That generation's now in their 40s. [[Person 1 scratches their head]] Person 1: That can't be right. Person 2: Face it: your problem with the MTV generation is their *kids*. {{Title text: If you identified with the kids from The Breakfast Club when it came out, you're now much closer to the age of Principal Vernon.}}

[[Black Hat Guy and a person sit in a room]] Black Hat Guy: Did you know November is Tongue Awareness Month? [[Person is suddenly aware of their tongue]] [[Person continues to be aware of their tongue]] [[Person is *still* aware of their tongue]] Person: I hate you. Black Hat Guy: Enjoy the next four weeks. {{Title text: November marks the birthday of Charles Schulz, pioneer of tongue awareness.}}

[[Person 1 and 2 stand in front of Person 2's bookcase. Person 1 flips through a number of them]] Person 1: All your books are full of blank pages. Person 2: Not true. That one has some ink on page 78. [[Person 1 looks at page 78]] Person 1: A smudge. Person 2: So? Person 1: There are no words. You're not reading. There's no *story* there. Person 2: Maybe not for you. When I look at those books, I think about all *kinds* of stories. Person 2: Reading is about more than what's on the page. Holding a book prompts my mind to enrich itself. Frankly, I suspect the book isn't even necessary. Person 2: The whole industry is evil. Greedy publishers and rich authors try to convince us our brains *need* their words. But I refuse to be a sucker. Person 1: Who sold you all these blank books? {{Title text: I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you're giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying--it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.}}

[[A soldier wearing a olive drab green hat sits in front of a computer]] Computer: Welcome to the missile launch web interface! <<mouse click>> Computer: Enter the target's coordinates. <<type type>> Enter your email address for our records. <<type type>> Enter your email again, to ensure you typed it correctly. [[Green Hat Man sits there with an even blanker look on his face than normal]] {{Title text: I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It's interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.}}

[[A wardrobe with an anchor attached to it falls into the ocean]] Q = A(2gd)^(1 2) Q = flow rate A = area of opening d = ocean depth (2 km) g = Earth gravity Flow: ~400,000 liters s Water jet velocity: ~200 m s The White Witch didn't know what hit her. {{Title text: If you fire a Portal gun through the door of the wardrobe, space and time knot together, which leads to a frustrated Aslan trying to impart Christian morality to the Space sphere.}}

[[Person 1 drags a small wagon and a bag full of various items]] Person 1: You are not the light of my life. Making you happy isn't my greatest dream. [[Person 1 places the items in an even bigger pile of even more random items]] Person 1: Your smile is not all I live for. I've got my own stuff going on. But you're strange and fascinating and I've never met anyone like you. [[Person 1 stares in awe as Person 2 assembles the items into a gargantuan, intoxicatingly complex machine]] Person 1: I want to give you everything just to see what you'd do with it. {{Title text: I wanna hold your hand so I don't fall out of your gyrocopter.}}

[[Two people stand in a field of wheat. The people are drawn in the typical black and white stick figure style, but the field is immensely detailed, with the grain coloured a rich amber and stroked such that individual stalks can be picked out, with a few dark bands providing contrast. In the distance a low mountain range is visible and in the sky a few scattered fluffy white clouds float low over the horizon.]] Person 1: Well, when we observe them, they become amber particles of grain. {{Title text: Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.}}

[[Two people are having a conversation.]] Person 1: 9 11 was an inside job! Jet fuel can't burn hot enough to melt steel! Person 2: Well, remember - jet fuel wasn't the only thing on those planes. They would've also carried tanks full of the mind-control agents airliners use to make chemtrails. Who knows what temperature that stuff burns at! Person 1: Whoa. Good point! {{Title text: The 'controlled demolition' theory was concocted by the government to distract us. '9 11 was an inside job' was an inside job!}}

[[Aang the Avatar and Dmitri Mendeleev stand in opposition to each other. Aang wields all 4 classical elements: Water, Fire, Earth, and Air.]] Aang: I'm the avatar, master of all 4 elements! Mendeleev: Really? I'm Mendeleev, master of all 118+. <<swoosh>> Mendeleev: That was polonium-bending. You probably didn't feel anything, but the symptoms of radiation poisoning will set in shortly. {{Title text: Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propaganda.}}

[[Person 1 finds dorm room]] [[View into the dorm room. The left half is already occupied, and Person 2 has filled his side with the normal accoutrements of dorm life. There is a Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" poster hanging on the far wall, offset and only on Person 2's side]] [[Person 1 has a bit of a ponder]] [[Person 1 leaves for a bit]] [[Person 1 returns with an item]] [[View into the dorm room. Person 1 is moving in, and has placed a second Pink Floyd "Dark Side of the Moon" poster modified with a lens in the rainbow's path. The poster is placed upside down on Person 1's side of the far wall to catch the rainbow, feed it back into the prism, and turn it back into a narrow stream of white light.]] {{Title text: I was going to record an album with that cover under the name "PINK FTFY", so it'd come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they're thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.}}

[[The comic is a graph, with the x axis labelled "Time since I last had to open Xorg.conf" and the y axis labelled "General satisfaction with how my life is going". A curve starting at (0,0) snakes toward the upper right of the graph.]] {{Title text: Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.}}

The Fermi Paradox: Planets are so common that life should be too. So where is it? [[A person with an unusual suit runs.]] Well, now we know. It's not that life inevitably destroys itself with war. [[The person keeps running.]] It's just that it takes longer to develop space colonization. [[The person leaps off a cliff]] Than it does to invent an activity.. ..more fun than survival. [[Youtube video of the person, with the suit opening up into a wingsuit. As this is youtube, the comments have not been shown. Two people are watching the video offpanel.]] Person 1: Holy crap. Person 2: I don't care how dangerous it is. I have to try it. {{Title text: And no avian society ever develops space travel because it's impossible to focus on calculus when you could be outside flying.}}

[[Two people before a memorial with an eternally spinning wait cursor. They contemplate silently on an influential life. Goodbye, Steve.]] {{Title text: There's always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.}}

[[Two people are gathered around a computer. A person is seated interacting with the computer while another stands behind them with an arm resting on the back of the chair.]] Person 1 (seated): What hidden arrow? Person 2 (standing): I thought everyone knew about it. Pull up the FedEx logo. <<Click>> [[The second person is now pointing at the screen.]] Person 1: Where is it? Person 2: Right there. Look at the whitespace. Person 1: I don't see it. [[The next panel shows a stylised view of the FedEx logo. The white space above the 'ed' in Fed is decorated to look like a tank turret with the barrel extending into the letter 'F'. Along the bottom of the letters a baseball player with the number 24 on his back is reaching out to catch a baseball. The baseball is forming the centre of the 'e' while the arm provides the break for the tail. The baseballers head marks the centre of the 'd' and the number 24 is coloured in blue to show the lower half of the stroke of the 'd'. Toward the right of the image the space between the 'E' and 'x' has been decorated to look like a Guy Fawkes mask, with ties wrapping around the 'x' and being drawn off-screen. A faint outline suggests the whitespace above the 'x' is a hat, with the brim extending into the upper part of the 'E'. Two speech bubbles are visible above the drawing, both spoken by off-screen characters.]] Person 1 (off-screen): All I see if Guy Fawkes watching Willie Mays catch a fly ball while an armored assault vehicle rolls past. Person 2 (off-screen): ...You either need more medication or less. Not sure which. {{Title text: Once you see it, you can't help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.}}

[[Three people stand together singing Christmas carols.]] Carolers (in unison): Good king Wenceslas looked out on the-- [[Hat man leans out of an above ground window.]] Hat man: King Wenceslas massacred my people. [[The carolers stand in silence.]] {{Title text: For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.}}

[[Person 1 is sitting at a desk with a laptop, looking at a review website]] Person 1: What's with this negative review? You *liked* that hotel. Black Hat Man: I have a script that posts a bad review for every hotel I stay at. It reduces demand, which means more vacancies and lower prices next time. Person 1: What if the place sucks? Black Hat Man: I change the review to positive to steer other people over there. Person 1: You punish companies you like! Black Hat Man: The odds of *my* review putting a hotel out of business are negligible. Person 1: If we all did that the system would collapse! Black Hat Man: Doesn't affect my logic. Tragedy of the commons. Person 1: That's not even the tragedy of the commons anymore. That's the tragedy of you're a dick. Black Hat Man: If you're quick with a knife, you'll find that the invisible hand is made of delicious invisible meat. {{Title text: 'Rating: 1 5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.'}}

[[News anchor at desk reporting]] Reporter: Fear turned to confusion today as Hurricane Rina developed to Piaget stage 5, with sustained interests in objects and their properties. {{Title text: Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.}}

[[Two people hang out in front of a tree]] Person 1: Whoa. What's this? Person 2: What's what? Person 1: This tree has a USB port. Person 2: Try connecting to it, I guess [[Person 1 brings out a laptop and connects to it]] Person 1: It's offering up a drive with one file on it. Person 2: What's the file? Person 1: An eBook. "Shel_Silverstein_-_The_Giving_Tree.azw" Person 2: Never heard of it. Let's take a look! Laptop: DRM Error: You have not purchased rights to view this title. Lending is not enabled. Person 2: Huh. Oh well. Person 1: Let's go see what Mike is up to. [[The tree is alone]] {{Title text: In the new edition of The Giving Tree, the tree uses social tools to share with its friend all the best places to buy things.}}

[[Two people are talking.]] Person 1: Did you see the neutrino speed of light thing? Person 2: Yup! Good news; I need the cash. Person 1: Huh? Cash? ((Text above half-sized panel.)) Yeah. When there's a news story about a study overturning all of physics, i used to urge caution, remind people that experts aren't all stupid, and end up in pointless arguments about Galileo. ((Half-height panel.)) [[Man sitting on chair, looking down at laptop in his lap. Books and things are on a desk in front of him.]] Man: No, this isn't about whether relativity exists. If it didn't, your GPS wouldn't work. -- What do you mean, "science thought police"? Have you seen our budget? We couldn't begin to afford our own thought police. [[Two talking people again.]] Person 1: That sounds miserable and unfulfilling. Person 2: Yup. So I gave up, and now I just find excited believers and bet them $200 each that the new result won't pan out. [[Same as last panel.]] Person 1: That's mean. Person 2: It provides a good income, and if I'm ever wrong, I'll be too excited about the new physics to notice the loss. {{Title text: I can't speak to the paper's scientific merits, but it's really cool how on page 10 you can see that their reference GPS beacon is sensitive enough to pick up continental drift under the detector (interrupted halfway through by an earthquake).}}

[[Hat man is standing on an escalator as it ascends. He is carrying a pole with what looks like a bracket on each end, resting on his shoulder. In front of him is a punk with spiked hair and a girl with her hair in a ponytail. Behind him is a featureless person and a man wearing glasses with a goatee standing next to someone with short hair.]] [[The view closes on hat man and the person behind him. In the background a girl can be seen standing on the descending escalator.]] Person: This is a long escalator. Hat man: 70 meters. Longest in the country. [[The view opens a bit wider. In the background the girl from the last panel has now passed the group and a few other people can be seen descending.]] Person: Why're you carrying a chin-up bar? Hat man: Why aren't you wearing a hat? [[The view opens up to show the same people in the first panel. They're near the top of the escalator now and the girl with the ponytail is beginning to step off.]] Person: Seriously, why did you bring it? Hat man: How should I know? I'm not a psychologist. [[As hat man steps off the escalator he turns and installs the chin-up bar such that it blocks people from leaving the escalator. The person talking to him turns to observe what hat man is doing.]] <<Twist>> <<Click click>> [[They get onto the descending escalator. The man with glasses and a goatee and his companion are blocked from leaving the escalator by the chin-up bar.]] ((The next panel is the size of 6 regular panels combined.)) [[The view shows an extended section of the escalator, the top right has become a pile of people all squished together and on top of each other. One person has grabbed another by the hair and is standing on a third person in an attempt to not fall. Someone is falling off the pile and another person is running down the escalator to avoid them. People closer to the bottom of the escalator are looking horrified at the scene ahead of them. In the background hat man and his companion are visible. Hat man is looking toward the bottom of the escalator, not caring or noticing the chaos unfolding. His companion looks back pensively.]] {{Title text: Those few who escaped found the emergency cutoff box disabled. The stampede lasted two hours and reached the bottom three times.}}

[[Two people are talking.]] Person 1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that this question is using Binary? Person 2: ...4? Person 1: What's a 4? {{Title text: If you get an 11 100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a 'C', they'll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.}}

[[The Hat man sit on a couch, reading a book. A person is approaching him from behind the couch holding a picture in a frame, a screwdriver, and some screws.]] Person: Have you seen my stud finder? I've looked everywhere. Hat man: It sounds like you may be interested in my new product, a-- Person: Shut up. {{Title text: According to every stud finder I've tried to use, my walls contain a rapidly shifting network of hundreds and hundreds of studs.}}

[[A person is standing next to a petrol bowser filling their vehicle with petrol. They are being addressed by a different person, who is pointing off-screen.]] Person 2 (talking to 1): Why are you going here? Gas is ten cents a gallon cheaper at the station five minutes that way. Person 1 (pumping gas): Because a penny saved is a penny earned ((The caption below the panel reads: "If you spend nine minutes of your time to save a dollar, you're working for less than minimum wage.")) {{Title text: And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn't matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.}}

[[A twin prop airplane flies high overhead.]] Off-screen person: What's that airplane? [[The plane lands, a pilot steps out and waves to the crowd.]] Off-screen person: Holy crap - Is that Amelia Earhart? [[The frame shows a close up of Amelia Earhart.]] Amelia: Hey everyone! My flight was a success! Off-screen person: But... Where were you? [[The frame shows a wide view of Amelia again, she stops waving.]] Amelia: I flew around the world! Off-screen person: But you disappeared in 1937! Amelia: Right, to fly around the world. Off-screen person: It's 2011! Amelia: The world is big. It's a long flight. Off-Screen person: But you... Off-Screen person: It's not... Off-Screen person: I- Amelia: Can I talk to someone smarter? {{Title text: The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by 'James'.}}

[[A person stands near a computer, talking on the phone to another person.]] Person 1: You want your cousin to send you a file? easy. He can email it to- ... Oh, it's 25 MB? Hmm... Person 1: Do either of you have an FTP server? No, right. Person 1: If you had web hosting, you could upload it... Person 1: Hm. We could try one of those MegaShareUpload stes, but they're flaky and full of delays and porn popups. Person 1: How about AIM Direct Connect? Anyone still use that? Person 1: Oh, wait, Dropbox! It's tis recent startup from a few years back that syncs folders between computers. You just need to make an account, install the- Person 1: Oh, he just drove over to your house with a USB drive? Person 1: Uh, cool, that works too. I like how we've had the internet for decades, yet "sending files" is something early adopters are still figuring out how to do. {{Title text: Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend's laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.}}

[[A person with shoulder length hair sits on a wheeled computer chair at a desk. A laptop computer is on the desk playing some sort of media with audio. The person is facing away from the computer addressing someone off panel.]] Person: Did you see the Cleverbot-Cleverbot chat? Computer: I am not a robot. I'm a unicorn. [[The first person has wheeled away from the desk and is now seating in front of the second person.]] Person 2: Yeah. It's hilarious, but it's just clumsily sampling a huge database of lines people have typed. Chatterbots still have a long way to go. [[The panel shows a close-up of the first persons head and shoulders. They have a hand to their chin and appear to be contemplating the last remark.]] Person 1: So... Computers have mastered playing chess and driving cars across the desert, but can't hold five minutes of normal conversation? Person 2 (off-screen): Pretty much. [[The panel shows a wide view of both people again.]] Person 1: Is it just me, or have we created a Burning Man attendee? {{Title text: And they both react poorly to showers.}}

Person 1: Sure, 2% interest may not *seem* like a lot. But it's *compound*! [[Person 2 opens a computer and begins calculating]] Person 1: If you invest $1,000 now, in just ten short years you'll have.. ..let's see.. Person 1: ..$1,279. Person 1: Ok, so compound interest isn't some magical force. Person 2: Yeah, I'm just gonna try to make more money. {{Title text: But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.}}

[[Two cars are parked next to each other. The car on the left is an urban SUV and has stickers on the rear window representing a family. From left to right there is an adult male, adult female, female youth, male youth, and young child. The car on the right is a sporty hatch back, it has similar stickers on the rear window, with an adult male and adult female. Instead of the youth and child stickers there is instead a large pile of money.]] {{Title text: My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.}}

[[Two people are standing next to each other having a conversation.]] Person 1: My Mom's house burned down. Person 2: Oh! I'm sorry! Person 1: Why? It's not your fault. Person 2: It's nice of you to say that, but I know what I did. It annoys me when people interpret an obviously sympathetic "I'm sorry" as an apology, so I've started responding by making it one. {{Title text: You know I've always hated her.}}

[[A weather reporter sits behind a desk with an image of the Gulf of Mexico and surrounding land masses displayed to his left. 9 hurricane symbols are scattered across the map, primarily over Cuba.]] Reporter: After the latest wave of hurricanes, not only have we run through the years lit of 21 names, but we've also used up the backup list of Greek letters. All subsequent storms will be named using random dictionary words. Reporter: The newly-formed system in the gulf has been designated "Hurricane Eggbeater", and we once again pray this is the final storm of this horrible, horrible season. {{Title text: After exhausting the OED, we started numbering them. When overlapping hurricanes formed at all points on the Earth's surface, and our scheme was foiled by Cantor diagonalization, we just decided to name them all "Steve". Your local forecast tomorrow is "Steve". Good luck.}}

[[Two people are standing together, one with long hair (presumably female) and one without visible hair (presumably male).]] Woman: Will you marry me? [[The male person throws his hands in the air excitedly.]] Man: Let's find out! [[The couple are now standing in front of an altar. A flower arch stretches over the couple and a person is standing behind the altar. The female person is wearing a knee length white dress and a veil. The male person is wearing a bow tie. They are holding hands.]] [[The couple stand together, still dressed from the wedding and still holding hands.]] Man: Apparently, yes! {{Title text: I'm as surprised as you!}}

[[The panel shows a close up of a person reading a book. The book is called "How To Juggle" and has a picture of a person juggling on the cover.]] [[The view now shows the entirety of the person. A book is splayed on the floor behind them, and they are holding some juggling balls.]] [[The person throws the juggling balls in the air.]] [[They lower their arms to prepare to catch the balls. The balls are still hovering in mid-air.]] [[The person now stands with their arms by their sides. The balls have not moved and are still suspended in mid-air.]] [[The person jumps, trying to grab the lowest ball. They can't reach.]] [[The person scratches their head and stares at the still floating juggling balls.]] [[They throw the book into a trash can.]] {{Title text: Later: 'Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?'}}

((The comic is narrated by an unspecified person. All dialog is shown in boxes overlaid on the comic panels.)) [[The panel background looks like a cloudy sky, with the clouds all running together and appearing as a blue grey smear.]] I've always had trouble with the size of clouds. I know they're huge. I can see their shapes. But I don't really see them as objects on the same scale as trees and buildings. They're a backdrop. [[A person stands on a flat disk inside a hemispherical dome with the front half cut away. The dome is labelled "Sky", and the disk is labelled "Ground". The dome is about twice as tall as the person.]] Stars are the same way. I know they're scattered through and endless ocean, but my gut insists they're a painting on a domed ceiling. ((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over the following three panels.)) [[A person stands on a curved surface, looking up.]] If I try hard enough, I get a glimmer of depth, a dizzying sense of space, [[The perspective of the scene shifts, suddenly the surface the person was standing on is in the top left of the panel. The person is now looking down, leaning back, and waving their arms trying to regain balance.]] But then everything snaps back. [[The perspective of the scene returns to normal, the person is now semi-crouched, staring at the ground with legs spaced apart to help them balance.]] [[An american football field is shown, with sections at the tips of the goal posts highlighted and shown as a zoomed view in an insert box. The goal posts each have a webcam mounted on top of them.]] So one summer afternoon I set up two HD webcams hundreds of feet apart, Pointed them at the sky, ((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over two panels each.)) [[The first panel shows a pair of glasses with the note "Very strong reading glasses." and a smartphone with an attachment designed to clip onto the glasses. The smartphone screen is setup to display two images side by side such that one camera is visible in the left half of the screen, and the other camera is visible in the right half of the screen.]] And fed one stream to each of my eyes. [[The next panel shows the completed phone glasses assembly.]] The parallax expanded my depth perception by a thousand times, [[The person stands wearing the phone glasses assembly, staring into the sky.]] And I stood in my living room At the bottom of an abyss [[The person now stands on the shore of an unidentified coastline (possibly Boston?), a city is near their right foot and the tallest skyscraper appears ankle high. A mountain range is behind them that is also barely ankle high. The person is standing with their head well above cloud level as clouds swim around them.]] Watching mountains drift by. {{Title text: I've looked at clouds from both sides now.}}

[[A couple has sex up against a wall.]] [[A couple has sex standing in an armchair.]] [[A couple has sex in a swing, swaying above a table with a flower vase on it.]] [[Screenshot of Fitocracy. In the text field marked "log your workout for today," the user has filled in "sex," and the site has returned the message "activity not found."]] [[The couple is standing in front of the computer; one person is at the keyboard, the other standing back wearing a towel.]] At Keyboard: Come on! That was like two hours of cardio! In Towel: Hmm, let's see ... the part on the dresser was KIND of like skiiing ... {{Title text: I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I'd been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.}}

[[An archer stands with a bow and arrow drawn tightly, aiming off-screen.]] [[They fire the arrow, it disappears offscreen. The bowstring vibrates for effect.]] [[They stand holding the bow by their side, watching the arrow fly away.]] [[A boomerang flies on-screen, coming from the direction the arrow was fired. The archer reaches up to catch the boomerang.]] [[The archer is now holding the boomerang, staring at it with confusion.]] {{Title text: 'The Return of the Boomerang' would make a great movie title.}}

[[Two people are standing facing each other, having a conversation. One is holding a laptop.]] Person #1 (with laptop): What's the deal with this leukemia trial? {{Citation: Nejm, Aug 10, 2011}} Person #2: Gotta wait and see. Person #2: Helping the immune system attack tumors has been a longtime research target. Person #2: Lots of promising leads. Often they don't pan out. Person #1: What'd these guys do? Person #2: They took some of the patient's T-cells and patched their genes so they'd attack the cancer. That hasn't been enough in the past but their patch also added code to get the T-cells to replicate wildly and persist in the body. Person #1: Which worked, but created its own set of problems? Person #2: How'd you guess? But I think the craziest part is the way they insert the patched genes. Person #1: How? Person #2: Well, think - What specializes in invading and modifying T-cells? Person #1: Seriously? Person #2: Yup. Must've been a fun conversation. [[The last panel is set in a doctors office. A patient is sitting on the observation bed talking to their doctor.]] Patient: Ok, so I have blood cells growing out of control, so you're going to give me different blood cells that *also* grow out of control? Doctor: Yes, but it's ok, because we've treated *this* blood with HIV! Patient: Are you sure you're a doctor? Doctor: Almost definitely. {{Title text: 'We're not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they've destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...'}}

((The comic is a single panel which resembles a reviews page for a mobile phone application)) Application name: Tornado Guard Author: DroidCoder2187 Description: Plays a loud alert sound when there is a tornado warning for your area. Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. (Based on 4 reviews) User Reviews: Reviewer 1: <<Rated 5 stars>> Good UI! Many alert choices. Reviewer 2: <<Rated 5 stars>> Running great, no crashes Reviewer 3: <<Rated 5 stars>> I like how you can set multiple locations Reviewer 4: <<Rated 1 star>> App did not warn me about tornado. [[The caption below the comic reads: The problem with averaging star ratings]] {{Title text: The bug report was marked 'could not reproduce'.}}

((The comic illustrates the relative strength of passwords assuming basic knowledge of the system used to generate them. A set of boxes is used to indicate how many bits of entropy a section of the password provides. The comic is laid out with 6 panels arranged in a 3x2 grid. On each row, the first panel explains the breakdown of a password, the second panel shows how long it would take for a computer to guess, and the third panel provides an example scene showing someone trying to remember the password.)) [[The password "Tr0ub4dor&3" is shown in the centre of the panel. A line from each annotation indicates the word section the comment applies to.]] Uncommon (non-gibberish) base word [[Highlighting the base word - 16 bits of entropy.]] Caps? [[Highlighting the first letter - 1 bit of entropy.]] Common Substitutions [[Highlighting the letters 'a' (substituted by '4') and both 'o's (the first of which is substituted by '0') - 3 bits of entropy.]] Punctuation [[Highlighting the symbol appended to the word - 4 bits of entropy.]] Numeral [[Highlighting the number appended to the word - 3 bits of entropy.]] Order unknown [[Highlighting the appended characters - 1 bit of entropy.]] (You can add a few more bits to account for the fact that this is only one of a few common formats.) ~28 bits of entropy 2^28 = 3 days at 1000 guesses sec (Plausible attack on a weak remote web service. Yes, cracking a stolen hash is faster, but it's not what the average user should worry about.) Difficulty to guess: Easy. [[A person stands scratching their head trying to remember the password.]] Person: Was it trombone? No, Troubador. And one of the Os was a zero? Person: And there was some symbol... Difficulty to remember: Hard. [[The passphrase "correct horse battery staple" is shown in the centre of the panel.]] Four random common words {{Each word has 11 bits of entropy.}} ~44 bits of entropy. 2^44 = 550 years at 1000 guesses sec Difficulty to guess: Hard. [[A person is thinking, in their thought bubble a horse is standing to one side talking to an off-screen observer. An arrow points to a staple attached to the side of a battery.]] Horse: That's a battery staple. Observer: Correct! Difficulty to remember: You've already memorized it ((The caption below the comic reads: Through 20 years of effort, we've successfully trained everyone to use passwords that are hard for humans to remember, but easy for computers to guess.)) {{Title text: To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.}}

((The page is set up like the missed connections area of Craigslist, with a list of messages from an individual to a person they weren't able to communicate with at the time.)) Personals > Missed Connections You: Clinging to hood of your stolen wienermobile, trying to reach into engine to unstick throttle Me: Screaming, diving out of the way You: Vaguely human silhouette Me: At bottom of wishing well with harpoon gun You: Confused UDP packet Me: Cisco router in 45.170 16 block You: Baddest fuckin' Juggalo at Violent J's party Me: Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca) You: Getting married to me Me: Also getting married, but distracted by my phone You: Cute boy on corner of 4th & Main, 5'11, 169lbs, social security number 078-05-1120, pockets contained $2.09 in change, keys, and a condom. Retinal scan attached Me: Driving street view van You: George Herman "Babe" Ruth Me: Fellow Time Lord. Saw your tardis on third moon of <<Sentence cuts off, partially obscured by bottom of panel>> {{Title text: The Street View van isn't going to find out anything Google won't already know from reading my email.}}

[[Two adult humans stand facing out of the screen.]] Mac: I'm a Mac PC: And I'm a PC. Mac & PC, together: And since you do everything through a browser now, we're pretty indistinguishable. {{Title text: It's fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we'll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.}}

[[There is one human in the panel. The human points at their chest.]] Human: I just have one tattoo - it's six dots on my chest, done by my oncologist. Human: I need them for aligning the laser sights on a flesh-searing relativistic particle cannon, Human: So it will only kill the parts of me [[Dramatic zoom, the panel background is black, with white text.]] Human: That are holding me back. [[The panel is larger, revealing who they're talking to.]] Human: But your barbed wire bicep tattoo is pretty hardcore, too! Dejected: No, it's OK. I'll just go put a shirt on. {{Title text: I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).}}

[[A television is showing a news anchor. The inset picture of the news shows Anonymous wearing a monocle and top hat.]] Anchor: Hackers briefly took down the website of the CIA yesterday... [[A person is watching television.]] What people hear: Anchor: Someone hacked into the computers of the CIA!! [[A computer expert is watching television.]] What computer experts hear: Anchor: Someone tore down a poster hung up by the CIA!! {{Title text: It was their main recruiting poster, hung up nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...}}

((The panels are arranged top to bottom. The first is set above a larger image.)) Person: So, are you guys out of the woods? Second Person: We don't know. Person: Well, did the treatment work? Second Person: We don't know. [[The diagram shows a simple highway. Starting at the bottom, with diagnosis for five lanes, the road travels through a cloud of treatment, after which two lanes disappear, and three continue. Later on, there's another offramp labeled 'cancer "comes back"', which loops back into the treatment cloud. Otherwise, the highway enters a later cloud called survive.]] I always assumed that when you got cancer, they gave you a prognosis, then treated you, and at the end of treatment either you beat it or you died. And I knew sometimes it "recurred," which I assumed meant back to square one. But that's turned out not to be quite right. [[Back to the two people.]] Second Person: Once most cancers spread out into your body, they're incurable. Second Person: If your 10-year prognosis is 60%, that means a 40% chance that some cancer will slip past the treatment and get out. Second Person: So they kill all the cancer they can find, and then you're a "survivor." But your odds are still 60%. [[The frame zooms just to show the second person.]] Second Person: They can't scan for individual cancer cells. The only way to know if it worked is to wait for tumors to pop up elsewhere. Second Person: If you go enough years without that happening then you were in the 60%. [[The frame shows both people again.]] Second Person: And often the first sign is a cough or bone pain. Second Person: So you spend the next five or ten years trying not to worry that every ache and pain is the answer to the question "Do I make it?" ((There's an extra large panel, with a small one floating inside it.)) [[The panel shows roughly fifty lanes emerging from the cloud of 'Treatment'. Signs show 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years. Lanes branch off and fade into darkness earlier on the right, with some lanes continuing off the top of the panel.]] ((Inset panel.)) Person: Man. Person: Fuck cancer. Second Person: Seriously. {{Title text: Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).}}

((The whole comic is a single panel, with a circular diagram of the days of the week.)) Polar graph of what stuff happens on which days, based on number of Google results for phrases like "company meeting on <day>." The relative frequency of <day> in <phrase> is shown by the distance from the center at which <phrase>'s line crosses <day>. Each curve is normalized to have the same number of total hits - they're not on the same scale. ((Not easy to reproduce the actual plot, these are the phrases, in order of popularity on Wednesday.)) 1. <day> is ladies night 2. announced <day> 3. company meeting on <day> company meeting <day> 4. due on <day> 5. got laid <day> 6. drunk on <day> so drunk <day> 7. <day> is the big day 8. Church <day> 9. got my period <day> 10. we broke up on <day> 11. <day> sucked ((Thursday, from most common to least common: 11, 2, 1, 3, 9, 4, 5, 7, 10, 6, 8)) ((Friday, from most common to least common: 10, 4, 6, 7, 5, 9, 11, 3, 2, 1, 8)) ((Saturday, ditto: 6, 7, 5, 11, 9, 10, 8, 3, 2, 1, 4)) ((Sunday, ditto: 8, 9, 7, 11, 10, 5, 6, 2, 3, 4, 1)) ((Monday, ditto: 4, 2, 9, 11, 3, 5, 10, 6, 7, 8, 1)) ((Tuesday, ditto: 3, 2, 4, 5, 1, 7, 9, 10, 11, 8, 6)) {{Title text: Not pictured: the elongated Halley's-Comet-like orbit of every Rebecca Black lyric.}}

[[Two people are playing basketball, and black hat guy is looking at a phone.]] Person #1: Do you seriously think everyone will move to Plus? It was hard enough getting them on Facebook. [[Person #2 attempts to throw the basketball through the hoop, but it bounces off.]] Person #2: Do they have to? Person #2: My mom still uses AOL - it doesn't mean my social life has to happen there. [[Person #1 passes the basketball back to #2.]] Person #2: Universal adoption isn't everything. I mean, IRC is still -- [[Person #2 throws the basketball.]] [[An arrow pierces the ball.]] <<THUNK>> [[The black hat guy has a one handed crossbow, and is still looking at a phone.]] Person #2: You're not really the "catch" type, are you? Black Hat Guy: I am not. {{Title text: 'I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.'}}

Southeast Asian Sea Life Identification Chart [[There are silhouettes of eight individual fish, a school of fish, a scuba diver, an anemone, a submarine, and an anchor, each labeled "Mimic Octopus." There is also a silhouette of an octopus, labeled "Two Mimic Octopuses."]] {{Title text: Even if the dictionaries are starting to give in, I refuse to accept 'octopi' as a word mainly because--I'm not making this up--there's a really satisfying climactic scene in the Orson Scott Card horror novel 'Lost Boys' which hinges on it being an incorrect pluralization.}}

HOW STANDARDS PROLIFERATE (See: A C chargers, character encodings, instant messaging, etc.) SITUATION: There are 14 competing standards. Geek: 14?! Ridiculous! We need to develop one universal standard that covers everyone's use cases. Fellow Geek: Yeah! Soon: SITUATION: There are 15 competing standards. {{Title text: Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we've all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.}}

[[A bird with apparently fractal wings hovers above a dude, standing with a friend.]] Friend: Dude, you've got a Time Vulture. Dude: Holy crap! What is it? Friend: They're predators that use aging to kill prey. Dude: Huh? What do you mean? [[The panel zooms in on the Friend's face. Dude comments from off-panel.]] Friend: They live for millenia and use little energy. They can slow down their internal clocks so time speeds past. To hunt, they lock on to some prey, and when it stops moving, they eat it. Dude (off-panel): But what if the prey doesn't die? Friend: I don't think you quite understand. Dude: I mean, I'm not about to die... Friend: From the vulture's viewpoint, everyone says that moments before they do. {{Title text: In a way, all vultures are Time Vultures; some just have more patience than others.}}

[[A person is holding a cellphone. The black hat guy is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]] Person: Another huge study found no evidence that cell phones cause cancer. What was the W.H.O. thinking? Black Hat Guy: I think they just got it backward. [[The black hat guy swivels in his chair, holding the laptop by the upper edge of the screen.]] Person: Huh? Black Hat Guy: Well, take a look. [[There is a plot of total cancer incidence and cell phone users. Cancer rises from 1970 to 1990, then stays relatively steady. Cell phone use rises from 1980 to the present.]] Person: You're not... There are so many problems with that. Black Hat Guy: Just to be safe, until I see more data I'm going to assume cancer causes cell phones. {{Title text: He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.}}

{{Title text: I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene phalluses.}} [[Two people before a 3D printer, one with a wrench]] Person 1: 3D printers are getting incredible. Person 2: I think we're not far from widespread deployment. Person 2: And you know what that means. Person 1: Spam containing actual enlarged penises? Person 2: I give it a week.

{{Title text: The best thing about Strunk White fanfiction is that it's virtually guaranteed to be well written.}} [[3 dignified-looking editors of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style" before a desk with a computer. One is seated and types the following:]] Dear Internet, We, the current editors of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style", must -with great reluctance- clarify a point of orthography: "Strunk & White" should be used for the style manual and "Strunk White" for the erotic fan fiction pairing.

Friend: But Fight Club isn't really about fighting. It's about the way society-- Person: Nope, don't wanna hear it. Friend: But it says consumers are-- Person: This conversation is over. The first rule of talking to me about movies is do NOT talk about Fight Club. {{Title text: I'm not saying it's all bad, but that movie has not aged as well as my teenage self in 2000 was confident it would.}}

[[The first panel is a UPS InfoNotice(r). Most of the text on it is just scribbles, though the company logo and header is clear.]] [[A person opens their door to see the InfoNotice(r). From off panel, a second person reacts.]] Person: What! I've been here all day! Off-panel person 2: Huh? Person: They have my laptop. [[Now both people are visible. The first is making an expansive gesture of annoyance.]] Person 2: So get it tomorrow. Person: I fly out in the morning and they don't open till noon! Person 2: Sucks. [[The first person is at a laptop. The second is once again off-panel.]] Person: It's right there . I can see the UPS building on the map. Off-panel person 2: Ok... [[Dramatic zoom to the person's upper torso and face, along with clenched fist.]] Person: My laptop is there. It's mine . Person: I'm going to get it. [[Even more dramatic zoom! The person's featureless face fills the panel.]] Off-panel person 2: They won't let you. Person: Who are they to keep from me what is mine? Off-panel person 2: Dude, they -- [[The person spins, raising a finger, most likely to indicate some sort of quest at hand.]] Person: A quest is at hand! Off-panel person 2: Security's gonna throw you out. Person: I fear neither death nor pain. But I will not go unarmed. ((Three inset panels overlap, in a montage format. The person narrates.)) [[Elves in long robes stand around a table, on which lies a broken sword.]] Narrating person: Light the beacons and send word to the Elves. They must reforge the sword of my fathers. [[An Elf beats the sword together on an anvil.]] [[An Elf rides a horse, silhouetted by the full moon.]] Narrating person: Ere dawn, I will go forth to the Sorting Depot. ((The montage ends and normal panels resume.)) [[The Elf knocks at the door, sword in scabbard held under arm.]] <<Knock knock knock knock>> [[The person opens the door, to find a second InfoNotice(r) stuck on top of the first. The Elf is gone.]] {{Title text: You can arrange a pickup of your sword in Rivendell between the hours of noon and 7:00 PM.}}

[[One person is standing by a laptop, showing a video to a group with drinks.]] The problem with YouTube parties: Person (thinking): This video is blowing their MINDS. Group (thinking): Oh man, I know what video we should watch once this is over. {{Title text: This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it's ok, we can go back to your video later.}}

{{Title text: Verbiage. Va-jay-jay. Irregardless.}} ((All of person 1's lines are overlaid over the entire comic; the panels listed are merely the ones directly under each sentence fragment.)) [[Person one is standing smugly behind person two, who is seated in front of a computer and typing]] Person 1: BY MY GUESSTIMATE, Person 1: MY FRENEMY YIFFED SO HARD Person 1: HER MOIST TAINT MADE [[Person 2's eye twitches]] Person 1: HER PANTIES PREGGERS! Person 2: STOP IT STOP IT! [[Person two covers ears]]

Girl: You should join Google!+ Boy: What is it? Girl: Not Facebook! Boy: What's it like? Girl: Facebook! [Boy considers.] Boy: Oh, what the hell. Boy: I guess that's all I really wanted. <<click>> {{Title text: On one hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch. On the other hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch!}}

[[A man sits at a desk, working on a laptop. A woman approaches the desk and picks up a tiny book.]] Woman: What's this? Man: Douglas Hofstadter's six-word autobiography. After all those 700-page tomes, I guess he wanted to try for brevity. Woman: Huh. Let's see... [[Close up of woman, reading the tiny book.]] Book: I'm So Meta, Even This Acronym [[Full shot of man and woman again. The woman looks down at the tiny book in her hand.]] Woman: ...whoa. Man: I think he nailed it. {{Title text: "This is the reference implementation of the self-referential joke."}}

HackerShield geek-proof safe system: [[Two boxes sit side by side. One is a safe with a lock marked "Unpickable." It is labeled: (1) 24-pin dual-tumbler radial-hybrid lock (rendered unopenable by a fused 17th pin). The other is a shoebox. It is labeled: (2) Shoebox containing your valuables.]] {{Title text: The safe is empty except for an unsolved 5x5 Rubik's cube.}}

[[A man in a white hat is standing with another man. They each hold a wine glass in one hand, in the man in the hat is holding a bottle of wine in the other. He looks at the label.]] Hat man: How do you stand this cheap wine? Man #2: Wine all tastes the same to me. [[Close-up of Hat Man.]] Hat man: You've just never had good wine. If you paid more attention, you'd realize there's a whole world here. [[Close-up on the other man, who spreads his arms, sloshing his wine slightly.]] Man #2: But that's true of anything! Wine, house music, fonts, ants, Wikipedia signatures, Canadian surrealist porn- spend enough time with any of them and you'll become a snobby connoisseur.]] ((This panel has no border and is next to but aligned further down than the first three panels.)) [[The full frame of the two characters again. Hat man now has the bottle at his side.]] Hat man: But some things do have more depth than others. Man #2: If you locked people in a box for a year with 500 still frames of Joe Biden eating a sandwich, by the end they'd be adamant that some were great and some were terrible. Hat man: You're exaggerating. Man #2: Oh yeah? ((This panel is below the others, and is indented about a third of the way to the right. It is wide.)) A YEAR LATER [[A box. Voices emanate from inside.]] Voice #1: Sure, most closed-mouth frames are boring, but in #415, the way the man's jaw frames the mayo on his hand is pure perfection, and-- Voice #2: What a surprise- you praising a mayo frame. Listening to you, I'd think there was nothing else in The Sandwich. -- Frankly, the light hitting J.B.'s collar through the lettuce would put #242 in my top ten even if he had no may on his hand at all . {{Title text: Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.}}

[[Beret Guy and a friend are setting up a party, with a snack table and a big banner reading "PARTY!"]] Friend: Everything's ready ... Friend: Except we're out of ice. Beret Guy: I'll get some! [[Beret Guy is walking down the street past a building marked Save Mart, with a bag of ice over his shoulder. Someone standing on the sidewalk calls to him.]] Person: Hey sexy. Where're you headed with all that ice? Beret Guy: A party! Person: There's a BETTER party up at my place. Beret Guy: But I-- Person: C'mon, one drink. The next morning ... [[Beret Guy rubs eyes groggily.]] Beret Guy: ... ugh ... where am I? Beret Guy: I was supposed to-- Beret Guy: --where's all my ice!? [[Beret Guy looks down to find himself in a bathtub full of kidneys.]] Beret Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA {{Title text: On the plus side, she wrote 'Welcome to the AAA Club!' in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, and left me a membership roadside assistance card on the counter.}}

[[A cutaway diagram of the Earth, with colored layers including a labeled outer core and inner core.]] [[A closeup of the stylized outer core, labeled "Turbulent molten metals at 30 million PSI" with turbulence lines, and of the inner core, labeled "moon-sized iron sphere."]] [[Person reading a book pulls legs up tight under office chair, peering downwards.]] I freak out about fifteen minutes into reading anything about the Earth's core when I suddenly realize it's RIGHT UNDER ME. {{Title text: If you're a geologist or geophysicist and you don't introduce yourself by saying your name, then gesturing downward and saying "... and I study that", I don't know what you're doing with your life.}}

[[A plane is in a nosedive with smoke pouring from one wing. Text comes from someone reading in the cockpit.]] "This is the emergency override system, which can be used to regain control of the aircraft. Complete instructions for activating this system are available as a GNU info page." {{Title text: I think you mean 'GNU Info Override'.}}

[[A girl sits at a desk in a classroom, and the teacher stands before her. The teacher has a blue dress and blonde hair piled on her head in a bun. The girl raises her hand, the teacher raises both arms above her head, a pointer in one hand.]] Girl: Ms. Frizzle, how do batteries work? Ms. Frizzle: To the bus! [[Ms. Frizzle and the children are shown getting onto the bus.]] ((This panel is larger than the other three, and is set behind them.)) [[The bus, with Ms. Frizzle at the helm and a child's face in every window, soars through a rainbow void filled with a giant amoeba, a rocket, a big gear, a planet with rings, and a Feynman diagram.]] [[The bus is parked, and the occupants have gotten out. The children stand around Ms. Frizzle, and she stands at a desk with a computer on it, typing.]] Computer: WIKIPEDIA -- BATTERIES {{Title text: At my OLD school, we used Microsoft Encarta 2005.}}

((A large panel the combined width of the four panels below it.)) [[A blue Linux terminal installer screen with a grey box that is labeled "[!]CONFIGURE THE NETWORK" in red. Below, in black, it reads "Please enter the hostname for the system." Below is an empty blue entry box with a cursor and dashed underscore, and below this it says "<GO BACK>".]] [[A man sits at his computer, a woman stands behind him.]] Woman: You've been staring at that screen a while. Man: Picking a good server name is important. [[The woman stares at him.]] [[She continues to stare.]] [[The man pushes his chair back, puts one elbow on the back of the chair and points with his other hand at the screen.]] Woman: And yet you settled on "Caroline" for our daughter in like 15 seconds. Man: But this is a server! -- Besides, I had to- you were trying to name her "epidural." Woman: Those were good drugs. {{Title text: This hostname is going in dozens of remote config files. Changing a kid's name is comparatively easy!}}

[[A man is diving in very deep, dark blue water. He shines a flashlight at the sea floor.]] Man: (thinks) Eight meters. There's the wreckage... Yes! I see the key! [[As he swims further toward it, his flashlight starts to cut out.]] Man: (thinks) Gotta grab it, surface, get in to the radio shed, and warn the President! Just a few more... Flashlight: BZZT FIZZ ((This panel has no border like the others, and is divided in half diagonally by a thought bubble.)) [[The left half of it is a dark blue thought bubble with the diver inside it. On the right hand side are packaged flashlights hanging on a shelf. The one called Hi-Brite is $24.95 and is labeled 'water resistant to 10 meters.' The one called 'FenStar G6' is $49.95 and says 'water resistant to 40 meters.']] Man: (thinks) Oh no. [[Two men stand in front of a flashlight display in a store. One looks down at the packages with his hand on his chin in thought. The thought bubble from the previous panel leads from his head. The other man stands behind him.]] Man #1: ...maybe I should spring for the deeper water resistance. Man #2: Why on earth would you care about that? Man #1: Look, you never know. {{Title text: Wait a minute. If I'm escaping from a submarine at 50 meters, then I'll *definitely* need a flashlight to find air pockets for gradual decompression on the way up. Time to start shopping professional dive lights.}}

[[A man finds a computer tower with a wire leading away from it.]] Man: What's this? Off-screen: The Cloud. [[The man looks behind him. The wire leads to an outlet in the wall next to where the Hat Man sits at a desk with a computer. Another wire leads from that outlet to the Hat Man's computer.]] Man: Huh? I always thought "The Cloud" was a huge, amorphous network of servers somewhere. Hat Man: Yeah, but everyone buys server time from everyone else. In the end, they're all getting it here. [[A close-up of Hat Man.]] Man (off-screen): How? You're on a cable modem. Hat Man: There's a lot of caching. [[A close-up of the man, looking down at the tower at his feet.]] Man: Should the cord be stretched across the room like this? Hat Man (off-screen): Of course. It has to reach the server, and the server is over there. [[The man turns back to the Hat Man, still sitting at the computer.]] Man: What if someone trips on it? Hat Man: Who would want to do that? It sounds unpleasant. Man: Uh. Sometimes people do stuff by accident. Hat Man: I don't think I know anybody like that. {{Title text: There's planned downtime every night when we turn on the Roomba and it runs over the cord.}}

[[A number line labeled "age". The start point is 0, with points labeled 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, and 70, and the line continues past the width of the panel. There are interstitial, non-labeled points. Above the line are labeled brackets. They are (approximated): 0-3: [Non-sentient] 4-12: "Everything is exciting!" 13-17: "Everything sucks!" 18-22: "Woooo college! Wooooo-" [vomit] 23-30: "Relationships are hard! 31-42: "So are careers!" 43-54: "No daughter of mine is going out dressed like that!" 55-75+: [More sex than anyone is comfortable admitting] ]] {{Title text: Every age: "I'm glad I'm not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don't want to get any older."}}

Advertising discovery: [[Person sits at computer, reading an ad on the screen. The bracketed superscripts are blue.]] Ad: Turgidax(R) triples[2] your penis size overnight,[2][5] improving both your sexual attractiveness[2][7] and your cardiovascular health.[7][8][9] Person (thinking): Sounds legit. Wikipedia has trained us to believe anything followed by little blue numbers in brackets. {{Title text: When advertisers figure this out, our only weapon will be blue sharpies and "[disputed]".}}

[[Person is in an empty room, on the phone with a friend.]] Person: I've always rented, so this blows my mind--this house is mine? I own a building? Friend: Yup! Person: I could, like, decide to drill a hole in that wall there, and nobody could do anything about it! Friend: That's right! [[Person, off the phone, stands in silence.]] [[Person is standing next to a pile of rubble, on the phone with a friend.]] Person: Can I come stay with you? My house has a ... problem. Friend: Let me guess: you drilled holes in it until it collapsed? Person: I don't think I'm cut out for home ownership. {{Title text: New research shows over 60% of the financial collapse's toxic assets were created by power drills.}}

[[Two commentators sit behind a desk.]] Commentator 1: A weighted random number generator just produced a new batch of numbers. Commentator 2: Let's use them to build narratives! ALL SPORTS COMMENTARY {{Title text: Also, all financial analysis. And, more directly, D&D.}}

[[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with tabs for Spark Plug, Feeler Gauge, and Wikipedia.]] Message with Mike1979 Mike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird. Me: The spark gap might be off. Me: You can check with a feeler gauge. Mike1979: What should the gap be? Me: Usually between 0.035" and 0.070". Me: But it depends on the engine. [[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with a single Wikipedia tab, marked ERROR. The page says: "Wikipedia has a problem. Try waiting a few minutes and reloading (can't contact the database server: unknown error (10.0.0.242))]] Message with Mike1979 Mike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird. Me: What is a sparky plug?? Me: Help Me: What is a car?? {{Title text: Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at "Philosophy".}}

[[Captain Dathon is seen on a communications screen]] Alien: Darmok and Jalad at Kalenda's! [[Jean-Luc Picard and Deanna Troi stand next to each other, looking off to the right.]] Picard: Their language must be based on folklore and metaphor! Computer! Search cultural archives for Darmok-Jalad-Kalenda! [[Picard and Troi listen to the response]] Computer (off-panel): In Tamarian legend, Darmok and Jalad got totally wasted and hooked up at a party at Kalenda's. [[Dathon is seen on the communications screen again, winking]] <<Wiiiiiink>> {{Title text: I wonder how often Patrick Stewart has Darmok flashbacks when talking to Star Trek fans.}}

[[A close up of a man with a thermometer in his mouth.]] [[The thermometer beeps.]] Thermometer: BEEP [[A full-body shot of the man looking down at the thermometer.]] [[A close-up of the thermometer's read-out.]] Thermometer: PREGNANT {{Title text: And the baby has a fever.}}

Woman: So are you worried about the rapture? Man: No, unless it figures out how to open doors. Woman: I said RAPTURE. Man: Oh. I'm not really into that. I'm the kind of Christian who only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, and then spends the other 363 days at the Mosque. Woman: ... I don't think that's a thing. Man: Our rabbi swears it's legit. Man: What religion are you? Woman: Experimentalist monotheism. Man: Which is? Woman: We believe there's one god, but we're trying to find the error bars on that number. {{Title text: But to us there is but one God, plus or minus one. --1 Corinthians 8:6±2.}}

{{Title text: The Wikipedia page "List of Numbers" opens with "This list is incomplete; you can help by expanding it."}} (( number line ranging from -1 to 10 )) (( arrow pointing left, towards negative numbers )) Negative "imitator" numbers (do not use) (( line right before the number one )) 0.99... (acutally 0.0000000372 less than 1) (( line at the golden ratio )) ϕ - Parthenon; sunflowers; golden ratio; wait, come back, I have facts! (( line at a region between two and 2.2 )) forbidden region (( line at Euler's number )) e (( line a bit before 3 )) 2.9299372 (e and π pi, observed) (( line at π )) π (( line at 3.5 with a ribbon as the numeral )) Grid - accepted as canon by orthodox mathematicians (( line a bit after 4 )) site of battle of 4.108 (( blob between 4.5 and 6.5 labeled unexplored )) (( line at seven )) Number indicating a factoid is made up ("every 7 years...", "science says there are 7...", etc) (( line at eight )) Largest even prime (( line at 8.75 )) If you encounter a number higher than this, you're not doing real math

[[A flowchart shows the President at the top, with an arrow to the Secretary of Defense, and then fourteen arrows leading to a series of boxes labeled Unified Combat Commanders. On the side, a box with a dotted outline has a dotted arrow leading to the president. It's labeled "Engineer Who Installed the Red Button."]] US NUCLEAR CHAIN OF COMMAND {{Title text: Themistocles said his infant son ruled all Greece -- "Athens rules all Greece; I control Athens; my wife controls me; and my infant son controls her." Thus, nowadays the world is controlled by whoever buys advertising time on Dora the Explorer.}}

[[Three people in an elevator, one reading a posted sign.]] Reading guy: It says here that the elevator inspection certificate is on file in the building office. Middle guy: Whoa, cool! Let's go look at it! Excited girl: That sounds fun! Industry tip: Building owners know this never happens. Those signs mark elevators which have never been inspected. {{Title text: Even governmental elevator inspectors get bored halfway through asking where the building office is.}}

Woman: My teacher always told me that if I applied myself, I could become the next Marie Curie. Zombie Marie Curie: You know, I wish they'd get over me. Woman: Zombie Marie Curie! Zombie Marie Curie: Not that I don't deserve it. These two Nobels ain't decorative. But I make a sorry role model if girls just see me over and over as the one token lady scientist. Zombie Marie Curie: Lise Meitner figured out that nuclear fission was happening, while her colleague Otto was staring blankly at their data in confusion, and proved Enrico Fermi wrong in the process. Enrico and Otto both got Nobel Prizes. Lise got a National Women's Press Club award. Zombie Marie Curie: They finally named an element after her, but not until 60 years later. Zombie Marie Curie: Emmy Noether fought past her Victorian-era finishing-school upbringing, pursued mathematics by auditing classes, and, after finally getting a Ph.D, was permitted to teach only as an unpaid lecturer (often under male colleagues' names). Woman: Was she as good as them? Zombie Marie Curie: She revolutionized abstract algebra, filled gaps in relativity, and found what some call the most beautiful, deepest result in theoretical physics. Woman: Oh. Zombie Marie Curie: But you don't become great by trying to be great. You become great by wanting to do something, and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process. Zombie Marie Curie: So don't try to be the next me, Noether, or Meitner. Just remember that if you want to do this stuff, you're not alone. Woman: Thanks. Zombie Marie Curie: Also, avoid radium. Turns out it kills you. Woman: I'll try. {{Title text: Although not permanently.}}

Teacher: Understanding gravity: Space-time is like a rubber sheet. Massive objects distort the sheet, and-- Student: Wait. Student: They distort it because they're pulled down by... what? Teacher: <<sigh>> Teacher: Space-time is like this set of equations, for which any analogy must be an approximation. Student: BOOOOORING. {{Title text: Space-time is like some simple and familiar system which is both intuitively understandable and precisely analogous, and if I were Richard Feynman I'd be able to come up with it.}}

[[A guy sits at a computer; a woman stands behind him.]] Guy: Wow -- researchers taught a computer to beat the world's best humans at yet ANOTHER task. Does our species have ANYTHING left to be proud of? Woman: Well, it sounds like we're pretty awesome at teaching. Guy: Huh? What good is THAT? {{Title text: I tell my children 'it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.' I'm trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.}}

[[A graph titled 'Number of Living Humans Who Have Walked on Another World' -- its y-axis is numbered 5, 10, 15, it's x-axis increments every ten years from 1960-2040. The line of the graph has a bracket above it that says '65 Years', starting at 1969, ending in 2034. The line starts at 1969 and increases steeply to 12 by 1972. It then plateaus until the early nineties declines gradually to 8 between 1991-1999, and then plateaus again. From 2020-2035, which is labeled 'Projected Actuarial Tables', the line branches into three and begins to decline more steeply to zero. The area between the first and second branch is shaded and labeled '5th percentile' and the area between the second and third branch is shaded and labeled '95th percentile.']] {{Title text: The universe is probably littered with the one-planet graves of cultures which made the sensible economic decision that there's no good reason to go into space--each discovered, studied, and remembered by the ones who made the irrational decision.}}

[[A student works at a desk.]] Bystander: I can't believe schools are still teaching kids about the null hypothesis. Bystander: I remember reading a big study that conclusively disproved it YEARS ago. {{Title text: Hell, my eighth grade science class managed to conclusively reject it just based on a classroom experiment. It's pretty sad to hear about million-dollar research teams who can't even manage that.}}

The 2011 Guide to Making People Feel Old -Using Movie Release Dates- [[A chart with 2 columns. First column is labeled 'Their Age,' and is numbered 1 through 35 & 'over 35.' The second column is labeled 'You Say' and is divided into four sub-columns. The first sub-column reads '"Did you realize that...' from 1-35, and the third sub-column says 'Came Out' from 1-35.] Age 16: Snakes on a plane ... Half a decade ago?" 17-19: Revenge of the Sith ... More than half a decade ago?" 20: Finding Nemo ... Eight years ago?" 21-22: Shrek ... Ten years ago?" 23-25: The Matrix ... Not the last decade, but the one before that ?" 26: Toy Story" ... Over fifteen years ago?" 27: The Lion King ... Seventeen years ago?" 28: Jurassic Park ... Eighteen years ago?" 29: Terminator 2 ... Twenty years ago?" 30-32: Home Alone ... More than twenty years ago?" 33-35" The Little Mermaid ... Closer to the moon landing than the present day? Over 35: "Hey, did you see this chart? You match your age to movie -- oh, right, sorry, it only goes up to 35. I guess it's not really aimed at older people." {{Title text: If you're 15 or younger, then just remember that it's nevertheless probably too late to be a child prodigy.}}

[[Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca are sitting in Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina, a wretched hive of scum and villainy]] Han Solo: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millenium Falcon Luke Skywalker: What's that? Han: It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs! Luke: No, what's a falcon? Han: ... {{Title text: For some reason, my childhood suspension of disbelief had no problem with the fact that this ancient galaxy is full of humans, but was derailed by language. There's no Asia OR Europe there, so where'd they get all the Indo-European roots?}}

[[There is a turtle.]] Off-panel: Oh, crap, I deleted the file! [[There is a turtle.]] Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. [[There is a turtle.]] Off-panel: No, wait, there it is. [[There is a turtle.]] Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. [[There is a turtle.]] 50 Years Later: Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. Turtles have it figured out, man. {{Title text: You're a turtle!}}

[[The display is a tetris game. A large oddly shaped piece is falling towards the board. The piece fits into the gaps exactly to complete multiple rows at once. The next piece is simply a very long brick.]] Top 0002187 Score 0002186 Level 5 ((The above are within the game; the next line is outside the game.)) Heaven {{Title text: If you've never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.}}

The Future According to Google Search results Events for each year determined by the first page of Google Search results for the phrases: "by <year>" "in year" "by the year <year>" "in the year <year>" "will * by the year <year>" "will * in the year <year>" "in <year>, * will" "by <year>, * will" ((The remainder of the comic is a vertical timeline. Each year is linked to several facts.)) 2012 World population reaches 7 billion Flying cars reach market Canada cuts greenhouse emissions to 6% below 1990 levels as per Kyoto Apocalypse occurs 2013 National debt paid off through President Clinton's plan Microchipping of all Americans begins Homelessness ended in Massachusetts Health Care reform law repealed 2014 US leaves Afghanistan GNU Linux becomes dominant OS 2015 New Horizons reaches Pluto Health Care law causes hyperinflation 192 UN Member Nations achieve Millennium Development Goals: - Extreme poverty and hunger eradicated - Universal primary education implemented - Women empowered, gender equality reached - Environmental stability ensured 2016 Baby boomers begin turning 65 Android takes 38% of the Smartphone market Android takes 45% of the Smartphone market Windows Phone overtakes iOS in Smartphones 2017 China completes unmanned lunar sample-return mission Social Security stops running surplus US Budget balanced Newspapers become obsolete and die out Cosmetic surgery doubles 2018 Social security stops running surplus Jesus returns to Earth 2019 Social security stops running surplus Every baby has genes mapped at birth 2020 Solar power becomes cheaper than fossil fuels Keyboards and mice become obsolete New Tappan Zee Bridge constructed 2021 US debt reaches 97% of GDP US unemployment falls to 2.8% Restored caliphate unifies Middle East Lake Mead evaporates 2022 Kilimanjaro snow-free HTML 5 finished Newspapers become obsolete and die out 2023 Jesus returns to Earth (again) US debt passes 100% of GDP All unprotected ancient forests gone from Pacific Northwest 2024 Atlantis begins to reappear Orangutans extinct in wild China lands men and women on Moon NASA sets up permanent Moon Base Female professionals pass males in pay 2025 World population reaches 8 billion Two billion people face water shortages 62 MPG cars introduced US power fades 2026 Atlantis emerges completely Rock bands die out US debt paid off Car accidents cease West coast falls into ocean 2027 Japan introduces new fastest Maglev train Lyndon Larouche-planned Mars colony established Social security stops running surplus 2028 Tobacco outlawed 40% of coral reefs gone US debt paid off Social Security stops running surplus 2029 Social Security trust fund exhausted Computers pass the Turing test Aging reversed Wikipedia reaches 30 million articles 2030 Half of Amazon rain forest lost to logging Cancer deaths double from 2008 levels Arctic ice-free in summer 2031 Computers controlled by thought Realtors replaced by technology Social Security trust fund exhausted 2032 "Big One" hits San Francisco US elects first married lesbian president Entire world converted to Christianity 2033 Kilimanjaro ice disappears India becomes superpower Europe reaches Mars 2034 US diabetes cases double, treatment costs triple US builds autonomous robot army 2035 80% of America's energy comes from renewable sources Himalayan glaciers down 80% in size Arctic Sea lane opens 2036 80% of US has access to high-speed rail Asteroid Apophis misses hits Earth 2037 Arctic ice-free in September Social Security trust fund exhausted 2038 32-bit timestamps roll over, causing Y2K-level chaos "Big One" hits California 2039 US population hits 400 million Severe heat waves become commonplace Scientology becomes majority religion in US 2040 Arctic summers ice-free Nanotechnology makes humans immortal 2041 Social Security trust fund exhausted 2042 2043 World population passes 9 billion 2044 Mankind genetically engineered to be happy Childhood obesity reaches 100% 2045 Humans and machines merge 2046 World's natural resources depleted 2047 World ruled by banks and corporations Tobacco industry fails US begins using autonomous attack drones 2048 Salt-water fish extinct from overfishing Unisex bathing suits cover body from shoulder to ankle Entire US population overweight 2049 $1,000 computer exceeds computational ability of humanity Singularity occurs Fishing industry collapses 2050 80% of Earth's population lives in urban centers China controls space Sex with robots possible Cars banned from European cities One million species extinct from climate change 2051 Atmosphere escapes into space 2052 Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security spending exceed total US revenue 2053 US budget balanced Majority of Americans in prison Cars driven by dogs 2054 Hunger becomes unimaginable global problem 2055 Atmospheric CO2 doubled Oil runs out Copper, tin, lead, gold, and nickel are all exhausted 2056 RFID-tagged driverless cars Robots given same rights as humans 2057 150 Japanese settlers on Mars Colorado River runs dry 2058 Smoking ends in New Zealand 2059 Humans have domesticated robots 2060 Human race lives in peace Extreme droughts across much of Earth Global temperature rise reaches 4°C Oil runs out again 2061 Halley's Comet returns 2062 Uganda hosts World Cup The Jetsons 2063 First human clones reach adulthood Population of Moon reaches 100,000 Population of Mars reaches 10,000 Spacecraft exceed speed of light 2064 Clean Air Act finishes reducing haze in national parks to natural levels 2065 Last coral reefs die out Chernobyl cleanup completed 2066 Cyprus achieves its goal 2067 Americans live in domed cities and watch 3D TV Redheads go extinct 2068 Ozone hole over Antarctic finishes recovering Lord Jesus rules Earth from throne in Jerusalem Entire world population gay due to chemicals in the water 2069 Public masturbation legalized 2070 World population peaks City-scale flooding disasters 60% of world's energy comes from renewable sources 2071 Europe's temperatures rise by 3°C World summer temperatures rise by 5°C 2072 US retirement age set to 75 2073 Oceans do not rise one foot 2074 Number of 100-year-olds reaches one million Supertyphoons hit Japan 2075 US retirement age set to 69 2076 Average scientific paper has more than 24 authors Social Security trust fund exhausted 2077 2078 Newspapers become obsolete and die out 2079 US debt reaches 716% of GDP Lodgepole Pines disappear from Northwest Floods commonplace Religion marginalized 2080 Federal spending reaches 70% of GDP UK population doubles 2081 2082 World population declines to one billion 2083 2084 Robot policemen introduced 2085 US deficit reaches 62% of GDP 2086 2087 2088 Japan becomes all-robot country 2089 World halts fossil fuel use 2090 Global warming hits 7°C Global warming hits 4°C 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099 2100 Global warming around 5-7°C Sea levels have risen by a meter or more Joshua Trees nearly extinct Earth's climate resembles that of the Cretaceous Germany tropical Emperor Penguins extinct Arctic permafrost thaws Rising seas flood coastal cities Rain forests mostly gone due to climatic shifts All coral reefs gone Gillette introduces 14-bladed razor 2101 WAR WAS BEGINNING {{Title text: Not shown: the approximately 30,000 identical, vaguely hysterical articles titled "WHITE PEOPLE IN [THE US BRITAIN] TO BECOME MINORITY BY [YEAR]!", which came up for basically any year I put in.}}

((The comic is a single panel, presented as an apartment search.)) [[Title bar.]] All apartments Search for: [_______] in: All apartments ( ) Title only (*) Entire post Search Rent: [Min] [Max] 0+ BR [ ] Cats [ ] Dogs [ ] Has image [[Date bar]] Fri Apr 15 [[Begin the apartment listings.]] $1600 2BR ~~~ Hardwood floors, utilities included. Cats ok, limit one per square foot. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $2300 3BR !!!!!!!! Elegant apartment permanently lit by strobe light!!!! No floor. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $980 1BR New "hammock"-style dwelling. Water and heat free from same dispenser. Viking landlord. $1550 2BR (one inside the other). Has running water, in a sense. Free heat in short, intense bursts. Klein stairs. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $3200 1BR W trimmed carpet and pert fixtures. Previous tenants clean. Call now, want you inside. $120 night (no animals) $2100 3BR on scenic Ash Tree Lane. Builder unknown; house has always existed. Walls shift; center of house may contain minotaur. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $600 5BR Three floors w pool, rooftop garden, beautiful glass facade, no catch, 5-min drive to historic Pripyat $7100 60BR Sleek modern w extreme running water. Previous tenants may resist entry. Contains all new wiring and is a submarine. $1616 3BR + 2Bath, tub full of blood. Closet full of board games which play themselves. Pets ok but won't survive long. {{Title text: $1600 1386153BR 3BATH, MODERN SLIDING DOORS, GUEST ROOMS, GARBAGE DISPOSAL. FREE MANDATORY PARKING (ENFORCED). CONVENIENT TO ALDERAAN.}}

[[A person is picking through various items of trash or recycling on a conveyor belt. A juice bottle, emty cardboard box, opened tin can, bottlecap, crumpled and flat sheets of paper, a soda or pop can, and miscellaneous junk are visible.]] Person: This guy tears the labels off his cans, so he clearly understands they're going to be sorted somewhere - Person: Yet in the same batch he includes a bottle with like an ounce of congealed juice in it. Person: What an asshole. I worry a lot about what the people at the recycling center think of me. {{Title text: And given how much of my stuff they go through, they definitely know where I live.}}

[[Someone with curly hair is standing in front of a sign labeled 'Auditions'. A judge of some sort speaks from off-panel.]] Judge: Seriously? Judge: Sorry, no, that's a huge mood killer. Judge: Next! Before I have a kid, I'm moving to Rogers Street in Cambridge, MA, and then getting a cat named "Mister" Just to guarantee the kid will never go into porn. {{Title text: 'We can also use middle names in place of first pet's names, but yours is something incomprehensible about dropping tables.'}}

[[A doctor is carrying a clipboard and consulting with a patient, who's sitting on a high medical table.]] Doctor: Any pain? Patient: My arm really hurts. [[The patient's friend is standing behind the doctor, as the panel widens.]] Doctor: How would you rate the pain, from one to ten, where ten is the worst pain you can imagine? [[The patient sits on the table.]] Patient: The worst pain I can imagine? [[The patient ponders this, raising a thoughtful hand to their jaw.]] [[The patient appears to be shocked.]] [[The patient is huddled up on the table.]] Patient: One. Doctor: ... What the hell is wrong with his imagination? Patient's Friend: It's not a normal place. {{Title text: If it were a two or above I wouldn't be able to answer because it would mean a pause in the screaming.}}

[[Person with a pony tail runs up to another person, who subsequently points off-panel where there are presumably scientists.]] Ponytail: Jelly beans cause acne! Another: Scientists! Investigate! Scientists: But we're playing Minecraft! Scientists: ... Fine. [[Two scientists. One has safety goggles, the other has a sheet of notes.]] Goggles: We found no link between jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). [[Back to the original two.]] Another: That settles that. Ponytail: I hear it's only a certain color that causes it. Another: Scientists! Scientists: But Miiiinecraft! [[20 near identical small panels follow, 4 rows 5 columns.]] Goggles: We found no link between purple jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between brown jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between pink jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between blue jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between teal jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between salmon jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between red jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between turquoise jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between magenta jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between grey jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between tan jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between cyan jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found a link between green jelly beans and acne (p < 0.05). Off-panel: WHOA! Goggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between beige jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between lilac jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between black jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between peach jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between orange jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). [[Newspaper front page.]] NEWS Green Jelly Beans Linked To Acne! 95% Confidence [[There is a picture of 3 green jelly beans.]] Only 5% chance of coincidence! Scientists... {{Title text: 'So, uh, we did the green study again and got no link. It was probably a--' 'RESEARCH CONFLICTED ON GREEN JELLY BEAN ACNE LINK; MORE STUDY RECOMMENDED!'}}

[[A plot of years vs. percent, with a solid and a dashed line. The solid line starts at 100%, and drops constantly. The dashed line starts around 85%, rises to 95% after 5 years, then drops.]] [[A simple table.]] 5 years 81% 10 years 77% [[Two people are sitting on a bench, next to an IV drip hanging from a rack. One is holding a paper.]] Person: You know, probability used to be my favorite branch of math Person: Because it had so many real-life applications. [[They embrace, faces together.]] {{Title text: My normal approach is useless here, too.}}

[[One person has a bike, and is wearing a helmet. The other is at a computer.]] Biker: Wanna go for a bike ride? Other: Nah, I hate 3D stuff. It gives me a headache. When you think about it, this excuse can get you out of almost anything. {{Title text: I'm only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world's 3D technology improves.}}

[[A person stumbles on a lamp, lying on the ground.]] [[The person picks it up.]] <<Rub rub>> [[The lamp sprays fluids.]] <<Splort>> [[The person holds the lamp at arm's length, a puddle of fluid on the ground.]] {{Title text: 'That was definitely not in my top three wishes.' 'Who said anything about YOUR wishes?'}}

[[Two characters are standing in a basement, the support beams bare.]] Enthusiast: I want to build a perfect HO-scale (~1 87) model train layout of my town. Realist: In your basement? Bad idea. Never make a layout of the area you're in. Enthusiast: Why not? Realist: Because it'd include a little 10" replica of your house. Enthusiast: So? That'd be cool! I'd make tiny replicas of my rooms, my furniture-- Realist: --And your train layout? ((Break free of the traditional panel system. The following appear in magnification circles, going beyond an original large diagram. Each is labeled with a length scale arrow.)) [[The characters are looking at an HO-scale model railroad, with prominent mountains and a town nestled in the valley.]] <-- 18m --> [[Zoomed in on the first model house.]] <-- 21cm --> [[Zoomed in on the second house. There is a gnat sitting on the model.]] <-- 2.4mm --> [[Zoomed in on the third house. A strand of spiderweb crosses the model, labeled.]] Spider web <-- 28μm --> [[Zoomed in on the fourth house. A cold virus is sitting on the model, which is distinctly composed of tiny dots.]] Cold virus. <-- 320nm --> [[Zoomed in on the fifth house. The entire diorama is composed of large spheres. It appears Dalton's billiard ball model is correct in the comic universe.]] <-- 37Š--> ((A final comment, and normal panels resume.)) The Matryoshka Limit: It is impossible to nest more than six HO layouts. [[The two are standing together once again.]] Enthusiast: My God. Realist: Yeah. It's the second rule of model train layouts: No nesting. Enthusiast: ... what's the first rule? Realist: "Do not talk about model train layouts." That rule was actually voted in by our friends and families. Enthusiast: Philistines. {{Title text: I don't know what's more telling--the number of pages in the Wikipedia talk page argument over whether the 1 87.0857143 scale is called "HO" or "H0", or the fact that within minutes of first hearing of it I had developed an extremely strong opinion on the issue.}}