ABCD

HOW STANDARDS PROLIFERATE (See: A C chargers, character encodings, instant messaging, etc.) SITUATION: There are 14 competing standards. Geek: 14?! Ridiculous! We need to develop one universal standard that covers everyone's use cases. Fellow Geek: Yeah! Soon: SITUATION: There are 15 competing standards. {{Title text: Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we've all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.}}

[[A bird with apparently fractal wings hovers above a dude, standing with a friend.]] Friend: Dude, you've got a Time Vulture. Dude: Holy crap! What is it? Friend: They're predators that use aging to kill prey. Dude: Huh? What do you mean? [[The panel zooms in on the Friend's face. Dude comments from off-panel.]] Friend: They live for millenia and use little energy. They can slow down their internal clocks so time speeds past. To hunt, they lock on to some prey, and when it stops moving, they eat it. Dude (off-panel): But what if the prey doesn't die? Friend: I don't think you quite understand. Dude: I mean, I'm not about to die... Friend: From the vulture's viewpoint, everyone says that moments before they do. {{Title text: In a way, all vultures are Time Vultures; some just have more patience than others.}}

[[A person is holding a cellphone. The black hat guy is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]] Person: Another huge study found no evidence that cell phones cause cancer. What was the W.H.O. thinking? Black Hat Guy: I think they just got it backward. [[The black hat guy swivels in his chair, holding the laptop by the upper edge of the screen.]] Person: Huh? Black Hat Guy: Well, take a look. [[There is a plot of total cancer incidence and cell phone users. Cancer rises from 1970 to 1990, then stays relatively steady. Cell phone use rises from 1980 to the present.]] Person: You're not... There are so many problems with that. Black Hat Guy: Just to be safe, until I see more data I'm going to assume cancer causes cell phones. {{Title text: He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.}}

{{Title text: I just can't wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene phalluses.}} [[Two people before a 3D printer, one with a wrench]] Person 1: 3D printers are getting incredible. Person 2: I think we're not far from widespread deployment. Person 2: And you know what that means. Person 1: Spam containing actual enlarged penises? Person 2: I give it a week.

{{Title text: The best thing about Strunk White fanfiction is that it's virtually guaranteed to be well written.}} [[3 dignified-looking editors of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style" before a desk with a computer. One is seated and types the following:]] Dear Internet, We, the current editors of Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style", must -with great reluctance- clarify a point of orthography: "Strunk & White" should be used for the style manual and "Strunk White" for the erotic fan fiction pairing.

Friend: But Fight Club isn't really about fighting. It's about the way society-- Person: Nope, don't wanna hear it. Friend: But it says consumers are-- Person: This conversation is over. The first rule of talking to me about movies is do NOT talk about Fight Club. {{Title text: I'm not saying it's all bad, but that movie has not aged as well as my teenage self in 2000 was confident it would.}}

[[The first panel is a UPS InfoNotice(r). Most of the text on it is just scribbles, though the company logo and header is clear.]] [[A person opens their door to see the InfoNotice(r). From off panel, a second person reacts.]] Person: What! I've been here all day! Off-panel person 2: Huh? Person: They have my laptop. [[Now both people are visible. The first is making an expansive gesture of annoyance.]] Person 2: So get it tomorrow. Person: I fly out in the morning and they don't open till noon! Person 2: Sucks. [[The first person is at a laptop. The second is once again off-panel.]] Person: It's right there . I can see the UPS building on the map. Off-panel person 2: Ok... [[Dramatic zoom to the person's upper torso and face, along with clenched fist.]] Person: My laptop is there. It's mine . Person: I'm going to get it. [[Even more dramatic zoom! The person's featureless face fills the panel.]] Off-panel person 2: They won't let you. Person: Who are they to keep from me what is mine? Off-panel person 2: Dude, they -- [[The person spins, raising a finger, most likely to indicate some sort of quest at hand.]] Person: A quest is at hand! Off-panel person 2: Security's gonna throw you out. Person: I fear neither death nor pain. But I will not go unarmed. ((Three inset panels overlap, in a montage format. The person narrates.)) [[Elves in long robes stand around a table, on which lies a broken sword.]] Narrating person: Light the beacons and send word to the Elves. They must reforge the sword of my fathers. [[An Elf beats the sword together on an anvil.]] [[An Elf rides a horse, silhouetted by the full moon.]] Narrating person: Ere dawn, I will go forth to the Sorting Depot. ((The montage ends and normal panels resume.)) [[The Elf knocks at the door, sword in scabbard held under arm.]] <<Knock knock knock knock>> [[The person opens the door, to find a second InfoNotice(r) stuck on top of the first. The Elf is gone.]] {{Title text: You can arrange a pickup of your sword in Rivendell between the hours of noon and 7:00 PM.}}

[[One person is standing by a laptop, showing a video to a group with drinks.]] The problem with YouTube parties: Person (thinking): This video is blowing their MINDS. Group (thinking): Oh man, I know what video we should watch once this is over. {{Title text: This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it's ok, we can go back to your video later.}}

{{Title text: Verbiage. Va-jay-jay. Irregardless.}} ((All of person 1's lines are overlaid over the entire comic; the panels listed are merely the ones directly under each sentence fragment.)) [[Person one is standing smugly behind person two, who is seated in front of a computer and typing]] Person 1: BY MY GUESSTIMATE, Person 1: MY FRENEMY YIFFED SO HARD Person 1: HER MOIST TAINT MADE [[Person 2's eye twitches]] Person 1: HER PANTIES PREGGERS! Person 2: STOP IT STOP IT! [[Person two covers ears]]

Girl: You should join Google!+ Boy: What is it? Girl: Not Facebook! Boy: What's it like? Girl: Facebook! [Boy considers.] Boy: Oh, what the hell. Boy: I guess that's all I really wanted. <<click>> {{Title text: On one hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch. On the other hand, you'll never be able to convince your parents to switch!}}

[[A man sits at a desk, working on a laptop. A woman approaches the desk and picks up a tiny book.]] Woman: What's this? Man: Douglas Hofstadter's six-word autobiography. After all those 700-page tomes, I guess he wanted to try for brevity. Woman: Huh. Let's see... [[Close up of woman, reading the tiny book.]] Book: I'm So Meta, Even This Acronym [[Full shot of man and woman again. The woman looks down at the tiny book in her hand.]] Woman: ...whoa. Man: I think he nailed it. {{Title text: "This is the reference implementation of the self-referential joke."}}

HackerShield geek-proof safe system: [[Two boxes sit side by side. One is a safe with a lock marked "Unpickable." It is labeled: (1) 24-pin dual-tumbler radial-hybrid lock (rendered unopenable by a fused 17th pin). The other is a shoebox. It is labeled: (2) Shoebox containing your valuables.]] {{Title text: The safe is empty except for an unsolved 5x5 Rubik's cube.}}

[[A man in a white hat is standing with another man. They each hold a wine glass in one hand, in the man in the hat is holding a bottle of wine in the other. He looks at the label.]] Hat man: How do you stand this cheap wine? Man #2: Wine all tastes the same to me. [[Close-up of Hat Man.]] Hat man: You've just never had good wine. If you paid more attention, you'd realize there's a whole world here. [[Close-up on the other man, who spreads his arms, sloshing his wine slightly.]] Man #2: But that's true of anything! Wine, house music, fonts, ants, Wikipedia signatures, Canadian surrealist porn- spend enough time with any of them and you'll become a snobby connoisseur.]] ((This panel has no border and is next to but aligned further down than the first three panels.)) [[The full frame of the two characters again. Hat man now has the bottle at his side.]] Hat man: But some things do have more depth than others. Man #2: If you locked people in a box for a year with 500 still frames of Joe Biden eating a sandwich, by the end they'd be adamant that some were great and some were terrible. Hat man: You're exaggerating. Man #2: Oh yeah? ((This panel is below the others, and is indented about a third of the way to the right. It is wide.)) A YEAR LATER [[A box. Voices emanate from inside.]] Voice #1: Sure, most closed-mouth frames are boring, but in #415, the way the man's jaw frames the mayo on his hand is pure perfection, and-- Voice #2: What a surprise- you praising a mayo frame. Listening to you, I'd think there was nothing else in The Sandwich. -- Frankly, the light hitting J.B.'s collar through the lettuce would put #242 in my top ten even if he had no may on his hand at all . {{Title text: Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.}}

[[Beret Guy and a friend are setting up a party, with a snack table and a big banner reading "PARTY!"]] Friend: Everything's ready ... Friend: Except we're out of ice. Beret Guy: I'll get some! [[Beret Guy is walking down the street past a building marked Save Mart, with a bag of ice over his shoulder. Someone standing on the sidewalk calls to him.]] Person: Hey sexy. Where're you headed with all that ice? Beret Guy: A party! Person: There's a BETTER party up at my place. Beret Guy: But I-- Person: C'mon, one drink. The next morning ... [[Beret Guy rubs eyes groggily.]] Beret Guy: ... ugh ... where am I? Beret Guy: I was supposed to-- Beret Guy: --where's all my ice!? [[Beret Guy looks down to find himself in a bathtub full of kidneys.]] Beret Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA {{Title text: On the plus side, she wrote 'Welcome to the AAA Club!' in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, and left me a membership roadside assistance card on the counter.}}

[[A cutaway diagram of the Earth, with colored layers including a labeled outer core and inner core.]] [[A closeup of the stylized outer core, labeled "Turbulent molten metals at 30 million PSI" with turbulence lines, and of the inner core, labeled "moon-sized iron sphere."]] [[Person reading a book pulls legs up tight under office chair, peering downwards.]] I freak out about fifteen minutes into reading anything about the Earth's core when I suddenly realize it's RIGHT UNDER ME. {{Title text: If you're a geologist or geophysicist and you don't introduce yourself by saying your name, then gesturing downward and saying "... and I study that", I don't know what you're doing with your life.}}

[[A plane is in a nosedive with smoke pouring from one wing. Text comes from someone reading in the cockpit.]] "This is the emergency override system, which can be used to regain control of the aircraft. Complete instructions for activating this system are available as a GNU info page." {{Title text: I think you mean 'GNU Info Override'.}}

[[A girl sits at a desk in a classroom, and the teacher stands before her. The teacher has a blue dress and blonde hair piled on her head in a bun. The girl raises her hand, the teacher raises both arms above her head, a pointer in one hand.]] Girl: Ms. Frizzle, how do batteries work? Ms. Frizzle: To the bus! [[Ms. Frizzle and the children are shown getting onto the bus.]] ((This panel is larger than the other three, and is set behind them.)) [[The bus, with Ms. Frizzle at the helm and a child's face in every window, soars through a rainbow void filled with a giant amoeba, a rocket, a big gear, a planet with rings, and a Feynman diagram.]] [[The bus is parked, and the occupants have gotten out. The children stand around Ms. Frizzle, and she stands at a desk with a computer on it, typing.]] Computer: WIKIPEDIA -- BATTERIES {{Title text: At my OLD school, we used Microsoft Encarta 2005.}}

((A large panel the combined width of the four panels below it.)) [[A blue Linux terminal installer screen with a grey box that is labeled "[!]CONFIGURE THE NETWORK" in red. Below, in black, it reads "Please enter the hostname for the system." Below is an empty blue entry box with a cursor and dashed underscore, and below this it says "<GO BACK>".]] [[A man sits at his computer, a woman stands behind him.]] Woman: You've been staring at that screen a while. Man: Picking a good server name is important. [[The woman stares at him.]] [[She continues to stare.]] [[The man pushes his chair back, puts one elbow on the back of the chair and points with his other hand at the screen.]] Woman: And yet you settled on "Caroline" for our daughter in like 15 seconds. Man: But this is a server! -- Besides, I had to- you were trying to name her "epidural." Woman: Those were good drugs. {{Title text: This hostname is going in dozens of remote config files. Changing a kid's name is comparatively easy!}}

[[A man is diving in very deep, dark blue water. He shines a flashlight at the sea floor.]] Man: (thinks) Eight meters. There's the wreckage... Yes! I see the key! [[As he swims further toward it, his flashlight starts to cut out.]] Man: (thinks) Gotta grab it, surface, get in to the radio shed, and warn the President! Just a few more... Flashlight: BZZT FIZZ ((This panel has no border like the others, and is divided in half diagonally by a thought bubble.)) [[The left half of it is a dark blue thought bubble with the diver inside it. On the right hand side are packaged flashlights hanging on a shelf. The one called Hi-Brite is $24.95 and is labeled 'water resistant to 10 meters.' The one called 'FenStar G6' is $49.95 and says 'water resistant to 40 meters.']] Man: (thinks) Oh no. [[Two men stand in front of a flashlight display in a store. One looks down at the packages with his hand on his chin in thought. The thought bubble from the previous panel leads from his head. The other man stands behind him.]] Man #1: ...maybe I should spring for the deeper water resistance. Man #2: Why on earth would you care about that? Man #1: Look, you never know. {{Title text: Wait a minute. If I'm escaping from a submarine at 50 meters, then I'll *definitely* need a flashlight to find air pockets for gradual decompression on the way up. Time to start shopping professional dive lights.}}

[[A man finds a computer tower with a wire leading away from it.]] Man: What's this? Off-screen: The Cloud. [[The man looks behind him. The wire leads to an outlet in the wall next to where the Hat Man sits at a desk with a computer. Another wire leads from that outlet to the Hat Man's computer.]] Man: Huh? I always thought "The Cloud" was a huge, amorphous network of servers somewhere. Hat Man: Yeah, but everyone buys server time from everyone else. In the end, they're all getting it here. [[A close-up of Hat Man.]] Man (off-screen): How? You're on a cable modem. Hat Man: There's a lot of caching. [[A close-up of the man, looking down at the tower at his feet.]] Man: Should the cord be stretched across the room like this? Hat Man (off-screen): Of course. It has to reach the server, and the server is over there. [[The man turns back to the Hat Man, still sitting at the computer.]] Man: What if someone trips on it? Hat Man: Who would want to do that? It sounds unpleasant. Man: Uh. Sometimes people do stuff by accident. Hat Man: I don't think I know anybody like that. {{Title text: There's planned downtime every night when we turn on the Roomba and it runs over the cord.}}

[[A number line labeled "age". The start point is 0, with points labeled 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, and 70, and the line continues past the width of the panel. There are interstitial, non-labeled points. Above the line are labeled brackets. They are (approximated): 0-3: [Non-sentient] 4-12: "Everything is exciting!" 13-17: "Everything sucks!" 18-22: "Woooo college! Wooooo-" [vomit] 23-30: "Relationships are hard! 31-42: "So are careers!" 43-54: "No daughter of mine is going out dressed like that!" 55-75+: [More sex than anyone is comfortable admitting] ]] {{Title text: Every age: "I'm glad I'm not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don't want to get any older."}}

Advertising discovery: [[Person sits at computer, reading an ad on the screen. The bracketed superscripts are blue.]] Ad: Turgidax(R) triples[2] your penis size overnight,[2][5] improving both your sexual attractiveness[2][7] and your cardiovascular health.[7][8][9] Person (thinking): Sounds legit. Wikipedia has trained us to believe anything followed by little blue numbers in brackets. {{Title text: When advertisers figure this out, our only weapon will be blue sharpies and "[disputed]".}}

[[Person is in an empty room, on the phone with a friend.]] Person: I've always rented, so this blows my mind--this house is mine? I own a building? Friend: Yup! Person: I could, like, decide to drill a hole in that wall there, and nobody could do anything about it! Friend: That's right! [[Person, off the phone, stands in silence.]] [[Person is standing next to a pile of rubble, on the phone with a friend.]] Person: Can I come stay with you? My house has a ... problem. Friend: Let me guess: you drilled holes in it until it collapsed? Person: I don't think I'm cut out for home ownership. {{Title text: New research shows over 60% of the financial collapse's toxic assets were created by power drills.}}

[[Two commentators sit behind a desk.]] Commentator 1: A weighted random number generator just produced a new batch of numbers. Commentator 2: Let's use them to build narratives! ALL SPORTS COMMENTARY {{Title text: Also, all financial analysis. And, more directly, D&D.}}

[[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with tabs for Spark Plug, Feeler Gauge, and Wikipedia.]] Message with Mike1979 Mike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird. Me: The spark gap might be off. Me: You can check with a feeler gauge. Mike1979: What should the gap be? Me: Usually between 0.035" and 0.070". Me: But it depends on the engine. [[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with a single Wikipedia tab, marked ERROR. The page says: "Wikipedia has a problem. Try waiting a few minutes and reloading (can't contact the database server: unknown error (10.0.0.242))]] Message with Mike1979 Mike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird. Me: What is a sparky plug?? Me: Help Me: What is a car?? {{Title text: Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at "Philosophy".}}

[[Captain Dathon is seen on a communications screen]] Alien: Darmok and Jalad at Kalenda's! [[Jean-Luc Picard and Deanna Troi stand next to each other, looking off to the right.]] Picard: Their language must be based on folklore and metaphor! Computer! Search cultural archives for Darmok-Jalad-Kalenda! [[Picard and Troi listen to the response]] Computer (off-panel): In Tamarian legend, Darmok and Jalad got totally wasted and hooked up at a party at Kalenda's. [[Dathon is seen on the communications screen again, winking]] <<Wiiiiiink>> {{Title text: I wonder how often Patrick Stewart has Darmok flashbacks when talking to Star Trek fans.}}

[[A close up of a man with a thermometer in his mouth.]] [[The thermometer beeps.]] Thermometer: BEEP [[A full-body shot of the man looking down at the thermometer.]] [[A close-up of the thermometer's read-out.]] Thermometer: PREGNANT {{Title text: And the baby has a fever.}}

Woman: So are you worried about the rapture? Man: No, unless it figures out how to open doors. Woman: I said RAPTURE. Man: Oh. I'm not really into that. I'm the kind of Christian who only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, and then spends the other 363 days at the Mosque. Woman: ... I don't think that's a thing. Man: Our rabbi swears it's legit. Man: What religion are you? Woman: Experimentalist monotheism. Man: Which is? Woman: We believe there's one god, but we're trying to find the error bars on that number. {{Title text: But to us there is but one God, plus or minus one. --1 Corinthians 8:6±2.}}

{{Title text: The Wikipedia page "List of Numbers" opens with "This list is incomplete; you can help by expanding it."}} (( number line ranging from -1 to 10 )) (( arrow pointing left, towards negative numbers )) Negative "imitator" numbers (do not use) (( line right before the number one )) 0.99... (acutally 0.0000000372 less than 1) (( line at the golden ratio )) ϕ - Parthenon; sunflowers; golden ratio; wait, come back, I have facts! (( line at a region between two and 2.2 )) forbidden region (( line at Euler's number )) e (( line a bit before 3 )) 2.9299372 (e and π pi, observed) (( line at π )) π (( line at 3.5 with a ribbon as the numeral )) Grid - accepted as canon by orthodox mathematicians (( line a bit after 4 )) site of battle of 4.108 (( blob between 4.5 and 6.5 labeled unexplored )) (( line at seven )) Number indicating a factoid is made up ("every 7 years...", "science says there are 7...", etc) (( line at eight )) Largest even prime (( line at 8.75 )) If you encounter a number higher than this, you're not doing real math

[[A flowchart shows the President at the top, with an arrow to the Secretary of Defense, and then fourteen arrows leading to a series of boxes labeled Unified Combat Commanders. On the side, a box with a dotted outline has a dotted arrow leading to the president. It's labeled "Engineer Who Installed the Red Button."]] US NUCLEAR CHAIN OF COMMAND {{Title text: Themistocles said his infant son ruled all Greece -- "Athens rules all Greece; I control Athens; my wife controls me; and my infant son controls her." Thus, nowadays the world is controlled by whoever buys advertising time on Dora the Explorer.}}

[[Three people in an elevator, one reading a posted sign.]] Reading guy: It says here that the elevator inspection certificate is on file in the building office. Middle guy: Whoa, cool! Let's go look at it! Excited girl: That sounds fun! Industry tip: Building owners know this never happens. Those signs mark elevators which have never been inspected. {{Title text: Even governmental elevator inspectors get bored halfway through asking where the building office is.}}

Woman: My teacher always told me that if I applied myself, I could become the next Marie Curie. Zombie Marie Curie: You know, I wish they'd get over me. Woman: Zombie Marie Curie! Zombie Marie Curie: Not that I don't deserve it. These two Nobels ain't decorative. But I make a sorry role model if girls just see me over and over as the one token lady scientist. Zombie Marie Curie: Lise Meitner figured out that nuclear fission was happening, while her colleague Otto was staring blankly at their data in confusion, and proved Enrico Fermi wrong in the process. Enrico and Otto both got Nobel Prizes. Lise got a National Women's Press Club award. Zombie Marie Curie: They finally named an element after her, but not until 60 years later. Zombie Marie Curie: Emmy Noether fought past her Victorian-era finishing-school upbringing, pursued mathematics by auditing classes, and, after finally getting a Ph.D, was permitted to teach only as an unpaid lecturer (often under male colleagues' names). Woman: Was she as good as them? Zombie Marie Curie: She revolutionized abstract algebra, filled gaps in relativity, and found what some call the most beautiful, deepest result in theoretical physics. Woman: Oh. Zombie Marie Curie: But you don't become great by trying to be great. You become great by wanting to do something, and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process. Zombie Marie Curie: So don't try to be the next me, Noether, or Meitner. Just remember that if you want to do this stuff, you're not alone. Woman: Thanks. Zombie Marie Curie: Also, avoid radium. Turns out it kills you. Woman: I'll try. {{Title text: Although not permanently.}}

Teacher: Understanding gravity: Space-time is like a rubber sheet. Massive objects distort the sheet, and-- Student: Wait. Student: They distort it because they're pulled down by... what? Teacher: <<sigh>> Teacher: Space-time is like this set of equations, for which any analogy must be an approximation. Student: BOOOOORING. {{Title text: Space-time is like some simple and familiar system which is both intuitively understandable and precisely analogous, and if I were Richard Feynman I'd be able to come up with it.}}

[[A guy sits at a computer; a woman stands behind him.]] Guy: Wow -- researchers taught a computer to beat the world's best humans at yet ANOTHER task. Does our species have ANYTHING left to be proud of? Woman: Well, it sounds like we're pretty awesome at teaching. Guy: Huh? What good is THAT? {{Title text: I tell my children 'it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.' I'm trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.}}

[[A graph titled 'Number of Living Humans Who Have Walked on Another World' -- its y-axis is numbered 5, 10, 15, it's x-axis increments every ten years from 1960-2040. The line of the graph has a bracket above it that says '65 Years', starting at 1969, ending in 2034. The line starts at 1969 and increases steeply to 12 by 1972. It then plateaus until the early nineties declines gradually to 8 between 1991-1999, and then plateaus again. From 2020-2035, which is labeled 'Projected Actuarial Tables', the line branches into three and begins to decline more steeply to zero. The area between the first and second branch is shaded and labeled '5th percentile' and the area between the second and third branch is shaded and labeled '95th percentile.']] {{Title text: The universe is probably littered with the one-planet graves of cultures which made the sensible economic decision that there's no good reason to go into space--each discovered, studied, and remembered by the ones who made the irrational decision.}}

[[A student works at a desk.]] Bystander: I can't believe schools are still teaching kids about the null hypothesis. Bystander: I remember reading a big study that conclusively disproved it YEARS ago. {{Title text: Hell, my eighth grade science class managed to conclusively reject it just based on a classroom experiment. It's pretty sad to hear about million-dollar research teams who can't even manage that.}}

The 2011 Guide to Making People Feel Old -Using Movie Release Dates- [[A chart with 2 columns. First column is labeled 'Their Age,' and is numbered 1 through 35 & 'over 35.' The second column is labeled 'You Say' and is divided into four sub-columns. The first sub-column reads '"Did you realize that...' from 1-35, and the third sub-column says 'Came Out' from 1-35.] Age 16: Snakes on a plane ... Half a decade ago?" 17-19: Revenge of the Sith ... More than half a decade ago?" 20: Finding Nemo ... Eight years ago?" 21-22: Shrek ... Ten years ago?" 23-25: The Matrix ... Not the last decade, but the one before that ?" 26: Toy Story" ... Over fifteen years ago?" 27: The Lion King ... Seventeen years ago?" 28: Jurassic Park ... Eighteen years ago?" 29: Terminator 2 ... Twenty years ago?" 30-32: Home Alone ... More than twenty years ago?" 33-35" The Little Mermaid ... Closer to the moon landing than the present day? Over 35: "Hey, did you see this chart? You match your age to movie -- oh, right, sorry, it only goes up to 35. I guess it's not really aimed at older people." {{Title text: If you're 15 or younger, then just remember that it's nevertheless probably too late to be a child prodigy.}}

[[Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca are sitting in Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina, a wretched hive of scum and villainy]] Han Solo: Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millenium Falcon Luke Skywalker: What's that? Han: It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs! Luke: No, what's a falcon? Han: ... {{Title text: For some reason, my childhood suspension of disbelief had no problem with the fact that this ancient galaxy is full of humans, but was derailed by language. There's no Asia OR Europe there, so where'd they get all the Indo-European roots?}}

[[There is a turtle.]] Off-panel: Oh, crap, I deleted the file! [[There is a turtle.]] Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. [[There is a turtle.]] Off-panel: No, wait, there it is. [[There is a turtle.]] Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. [[There is a turtle.]] 50 Years Later: Turtle (thinking): I am a turtle. Turtles have it figured out, man. {{Title text: You're a turtle!}}

[[The display is a tetris game. A large oddly shaped piece is falling towards the board. The piece fits into the gaps exactly to complete multiple rows at once. The next piece is simply a very long brick.]] Top 0002187 Score 0002186 Level 5 ((The above are within the game; the next line is outside the game.)) Heaven {{Title text: If you've never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.}}

The Future According to Google Search results Events for each year determined by the first page of Google Search results for the phrases: "by <year>" "in year" "by the year <year>" "in the year <year>" "will * by the year <year>" "will * in the year <year>" "in <year>, * will" "by <year>, * will" ((The remainder of the comic is a vertical timeline. Each year is linked to several facts.)) 2012 World population reaches 7 billion Flying cars reach market Canada cuts greenhouse emissions to 6% below 1990 levels as per Kyoto Apocalypse occurs 2013 National debt paid off through President Clinton's plan Microchipping of all Americans begins Homelessness ended in Massachusetts Health Care reform law repealed 2014 US leaves Afghanistan GNU Linux becomes dominant OS 2015 New Horizons reaches Pluto Health Care law causes hyperinflation 192 UN Member Nations achieve Millennium Development Goals: - Extreme poverty and hunger eradicated - Universal primary education implemented - Women empowered, gender equality reached - Environmental stability ensured 2016 Baby boomers begin turning 65 Android takes 38% of the Smartphone market Android takes 45% of the Smartphone market Windows Phone overtakes iOS in Smartphones 2017 China completes unmanned lunar sample-return mission Social Security stops running surplus US Budget balanced Newspapers become obsolete and die out Cosmetic surgery doubles 2018 Social security stops running surplus Jesus returns to Earth 2019 Social security stops running surplus Every baby has genes mapped at birth 2020 Solar power becomes cheaper than fossil fuels Keyboards and mice become obsolete New Tappan Zee Bridge constructed 2021 US debt reaches 97% of GDP US unemployment falls to 2.8% Restored caliphate unifies Middle East Lake Mead evaporates 2022 Kilimanjaro snow-free HTML 5 finished Newspapers become obsolete and die out 2023 Jesus returns to Earth (again) US debt passes 100% of GDP All unprotected ancient forests gone from Pacific Northwest 2024 Atlantis begins to reappear Orangutans extinct in wild China lands men and women on Moon NASA sets up permanent Moon Base Female professionals pass males in pay 2025 World population reaches 8 billion Two billion people face water shortages 62 MPG cars introduced US power fades 2026 Atlantis emerges completely Rock bands die out US debt paid off Car accidents cease West coast falls into ocean 2027 Japan introduces new fastest Maglev train Lyndon Larouche-planned Mars colony established Social security stops running surplus 2028 Tobacco outlawed 40% of coral reefs gone US debt paid off Social Security stops running surplus 2029 Social Security trust fund exhausted Computers pass the Turing test Aging reversed Wikipedia reaches 30 million articles 2030 Half of Amazon rain forest lost to logging Cancer deaths double from 2008 levels Arctic ice-free in summer 2031 Computers controlled by thought Realtors replaced by technology Social Security trust fund exhausted 2032 "Big One" hits San Francisco US elects first married lesbian president Entire world converted to Christianity 2033 Kilimanjaro ice disappears India becomes superpower Europe reaches Mars 2034 US diabetes cases double, treatment costs triple US builds autonomous robot army 2035 80% of America's energy comes from renewable sources Himalayan glaciers down 80% in size Arctic Sea lane opens 2036 80% of US has access to high-speed rail Asteroid Apophis misses hits Earth 2037 Arctic ice-free in September Social Security trust fund exhausted 2038 32-bit timestamps roll over, causing Y2K-level chaos "Big One" hits California 2039 US population hits 400 million Severe heat waves become commonplace Scientology becomes majority religion in US 2040 Arctic summers ice-free Nanotechnology makes humans immortal 2041 Social Security trust fund exhausted 2042 2043 World population passes 9 billion 2044 Mankind genetically engineered to be happy Childhood obesity reaches 100% 2045 Humans and machines merge 2046 World's natural resources depleted 2047 World ruled by banks and corporations Tobacco industry fails US begins using autonomous attack drones 2048 Salt-water fish extinct from overfishing Unisex bathing suits cover body from shoulder to ankle Entire US population overweight 2049 $1,000 computer exceeds computational ability of humanity Singularity occurs Fishing industry collapses 2050 80% of Earth's population lives in urban centers China controls space Sex with robots possible Cars banned from European cities One million species extinct from climate change 2051 Atmosphere escapes into space 2052 Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security spending exceed total US revenue 2053 US budget balanced Majority of Americans in prison Cars driven by dogs 2054 Hunger becomes unimaginable global problem 2055 Atmospheric CO2 doubled Oil runs out Copper, tin, lead, gold, and nickel are all exhausted 2056 RFID-tagged driverless cars Robots given same rights as humans 2057 150 Japanese settlers on Mars Colorado River runs dry 2058 Smoking ends in New Zealand 2059 Humans have domesticated robots 2060 Human race lives in peace Extreme droughts across much of Earth Global temperature rise reaches 4°C Oil runs out again 2061 Halley's Comet returns 2062 Uganda hosts World Cup The Jetsons 2063 First human clones reach adulthood Population of Moon reaches 100,000 Population of Mars reaches 10,000 Spacecraft exceed speed of light 2064 Clean Air Act finishes reducing haze in national parks to natural levels 2065 Last coral reefs die out Chernobyl cleanup completed 2066 Cyprus achieves its goal 2067 Americans live in domed cities and watch 3D TV Redheads go extinct 2068 Ozone hole over Antarctic finishes recovering Lord Jesus rules Earth from throne in Jerusalem Entire world population gay due to chemicals in the water 2069 Public masturbation legalized 2070 World population peaks City-scale flooding disasters 60% of world's energy comes from renewable sources 2071 Europe's temperatures rise by 3°C World summer temperatures rise by 5°C 2072 US retirement age set to 75 2073 Oceans do not rise one foot 2074 Number of 100-year-olds reaches one million Supertyphoons hit Japan 2075 US retirement age set to 69 2076 Average scientific paper has more than 24 authors Social Security trust fund exhausted 2077 2078 Newspapers become obsolete and die out 2079 US debt reaches 716% of GDP Lodgepole Pines disappear from Northwest Floods commonplace Religion marginalized 2080 Federal spending reaches 70% of GDP UK population doubles 2081 2082 World population declines to one billion 2083 2084 Robot policemen introduced 2085 US deficit reaches 62% of GDP 2086 2087 2088 Japan becomes all-robot country 2089 World halts fossil fuel use 2090 Global warming hits 7°C Global warming hits 4°C 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099 2100 Global warming around 5-7°C Sea levels have risen by a meter or more Joshua Trees nearly extinct Earth's climate resembles that of the Cretaceous Germany tropical Emperor Penguins extinct Arctic permafrost thaws Rising seas flood coastal cities Rain forests mostly gone due to climatic shifts All coral reefs gone Gillette introduces 14-bladed razor 2101 WAR WAS BEGINNING {{Title text: Not shown: the approximately 30,000 identical, vaguely hysterical articles titled "WHITE PEOPLE IN [THE US BRITAIN] TO BECOME MINORITY BY [YEAR]!", which came up for basically any year I put in.}}

((The comic is a single panel, presented as an apartment search.)) [[Title bar.]] All apartments Search for: [_______] in: All apartments ( ) Title only (*) Entire post Search Rent: [Min] [Max] 0+ BR [ ] Cats [ ] Dogs [ ] Has image [[Date bar]] Fri Apr 15 [[Begin the apartment listings.]] $1600 2BR ~~~ Hardwood floors, utilities included. Cats ok, limit one per square foot. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $2300 3BR !!!!!!!! Elegant apartment permanently lit by strobe light!!!! No floor. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $980 1BR New "hammock"-style dwelling. Water and heat free from same dispenser. Viking landlord. $1550 2BR (one inside the other). Has running water, in a sense. Free heat in short, intense bursts. Klein stairs. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $3200 1BR W trimmed carpet and pert fixtures. Previous tenants clean. Call now, want you inside. $120 night (no animals) $2100 3BR on scenic Ash Tree Lane. Builder unknown; house has always existed. Walls shift; center of house may contain minotaur. $1100 **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! **** $600 5BR Three floors w pool, rooftop garden, beautiful glass facade, no catch, 5-min drive to historic Pripyat $7100 60BR Sleek modern w extreme running water. Previous tenants may resist entry. Contains all new wiring and is a submarine. $1616 3BR + 2Bath, tub full of blood. Closet full of board games which play themselves. Pets ok but won't survive long. {{Title text: $1600 1386153BR 3BATH, MODERN SLIDING DOORS, GUEST ROOMS, GARBAGE DISPOSAL. FREE MANDATORY PARKING (ENFORCED). CONVENIENT TO ALDERAAN.}}

[[A person is picking through various items of trash or recycling on a conveyor belt. A juice bottle, emty cardboard box, opened tin can, bottlecap, crumpled and flat sheets of paper, a soda or pop can, and miscellaneous junk are visible.]] Person: This guy tears the labels off his cans, so he clearly understands they're going to be sorted somewhere - Person: Yet in the same batch he includes a bottle with like an ounce of congealed juice in it. Person: What an asshole. I worry a lot about what the people at the recycling center think of me. {{Title text: And given how much of my stuff they go through, they definitely know where I live.}}

[[Someone with curly hair is standing in front of a sign labeled 'Auditions'. A judge of some sort speaks from off-panel.]] Judge: Seriously? Judge: Sorry, no, that's a huge mood killer. Judge: Next! Before I have a kid, I'm moving to Rogers Street in Cambridge, MA, and then getting a cat named "Mister" Just to guarantee the kid will never go into porn. {{Title text: 'We can also use middle names in place of first pet's names, but yours is something incomprehensible about dropping tables.'}}

[[A doctor is carrying a clipboard and consulting with a patient, who's sitting on a high medical table.]] Doctor: Any pain? Patient: My arm really hurts. [[The patient's friend is standing behind the doctor, as the panel widens.]] Doctor: How would you rate the pain, from one to ten, where ten is the worst pain you can imagine? [[The patient sits on the table.]] Patient: The worst pain I can imagine? [[The patient ponders this, raising a thoughtful hand to their jaw.]] [[The patient appears to be shocked.]] [[The patient is huddled up on the table.]] Patient: One. Doctor: ... What the hell is wrong with his imagination? Patient's Friend: It's not a normal place. {{Title text: If it were a two or above I wouldn't be able to answer because it would mean a pause in the screaming.}}

[[Person with a pony tail runs up to another person, who subsequently points off-panel where there are presumably scientists.]] Ponytail: Jelly beans cause acne! Another: Scientists! Investigate! Scientists: But we're playing Minecraft! Scientists: ... Fine. [[Two scientists. One has safety goggles, the other has a sheet of notes.]] Goggles: We found no link between jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). [[Back to the original two.]] Another: That settles that. Ponytail: I hear it's only a certain color that causes it. Another: Scientists! Scientists: But Miiiinecraft! [[20 near identical small panels follow, 4 rows 5 columns.]] Goggles: We found no link between purple jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between brown jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between pink jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between blue jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between teal jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between salmon jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between red jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between turquoise jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between magenta jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between grey jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between tan jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between cyan jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found a link between green jelly beans and acne (p < 0.05). Off-panel: WHOA! Goggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between beige jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between lilac jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between black jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between peach jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). Goggles: We found no link between orange jelly beans and acne (p > 0.05). [[Newspaper front page.]] NEWS Green Jelly Beans Linked To Acne! 95% Confidence [[There is a picture of 3 green jelly beans.]] Only 5% chance of coincidence! Scientists... {{Title text: 'So, uh, we did the green study again and got no link. It was probably a--' 'RESEARCH CONFLICTED ON GREEN JELLY BEAN ACNE LINK; MORE STUDY RECOMMENDED!'}}

[[A plot of years vs. percent, with a solid and a dashed line. The solid line starts at 100%, and drops constantly. The dashed line starts around 85%, rises to 95% after 5 years, then drops.]] [[A simple table.]] 5 years 81% 10 years 77% [[Two people are sitting on a bench, next to an IV drip hanging from a rack. One is holding a paper.]] Person: You know, probability used to be my favorite branch of math Person: Because it had so many real-life applications. [[They embrace, faces together.]] {{Title text: My normal approach is useless here, too.}}

[[One person has a bike, and is wearing a helmet. The other is at a computer.]] Biker: Wanna go for a bike ride? Other: Nah, I hate 3D stuff. It gives me a headache. When you think about it, this excuse can get you out of almost anything. {{Title text: I'm only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world's 3D technology improves.}}

[[A person stumbles on a lamp, lying on the ground.]] [[The person picks it up.]] <<Rub rub>> [[The lamp sprays fluids.]] <<Splort>> [[The person holds the lamp at arm's length, a puddle of fluid on the ground.]] {{Title text: 'That was definitely not in my top three wishes.' 'Who said anything about YOUR wishes?'}}

[[Two characters are standing in a basement, the support beams bare.]] Enthusiast: I want to build a perfect HO-scale (~1 87) model train layout of my town. Realist: In your basement? Bad idea. Never make a layout of the area you're in. Enthusiast: Why not? Realist: Because it'd include a little 10" replica of your house. Enthusiast: So? That'd be cool! I'd make tiny replicas of my rooms, my furniture-- Realist: --And your train layout? ((Break free of the traditional panel system. The following appear in magnification circles, going beyond an original large diagram. Each is labeled with a length scale arrow.)) [[The characters are looking at an HO-scale model railroad, with prominent mountains and a town nestled in the valley.]] <-- 18m --> [[Zoomed in on the first model house.]] <-- 21cm --> [[Zoomed in on the second house. There is a gnat sitting on the model.]] <-- 2.4mm --> [[Zoomed in on the third house. A strand of spiderweb crosses the model, labeled.]] Spider web <-- 28μm --> [[Zoomed in on the fourth house. A cold virus is sitting on the model, which is distinctly composed of tiny dots.]] Cold virus. <-- 320nm --> [[Zoomed in on the fifth house. The entire diorama is composed of large spheres. It appears Dalton's billiard ball model is correct in the comic universe.]] <-- 37Š--> ((A final comment, and normal panels resume.)) The Matryoshka Limit: It is impossible to nest more than six HO layouts. [[The two are standing together once again.]] Enthusiast: My God. Realist: Yeah. It's the second rule of model train layouts: No nesting. Enthusiast: ... what's the first rule? Realist: "Do not talk about model train layouts." That rule was actually voted in by our friends and families. Enthusiast: Philistines. {{Title text: I don't know what's more telling--the number of pages in the Wikipedia talk page argument over whether the 1 87.0857143 scale is called "HO" or "H0", or the fact that within minutes of first hearing of it I had developed an extremely strong opinion on the issue.}}

[[Two humans are discussing science. They are interrupted by an off-panel shout.]] Human: The problem with scientists is that you take the wonder and beauty out of everything by trying to analyze it. Shout: Dude! [[A Scientist runs across the panel, carrying a microscope and a slime mold.]] Scientist: My plasmoidal slime molds have heightened pigment production! Check out that yellow color! That actually makes them zinc-resistatn. Amazing, huh? [[The slime mold is proferred to the same human who was speaking earlier. The close up hides the Scientist's face.]] Human: It looks like dog barf. Scientist: Hah, yeah! F. Septica is nicknamed "dog vomit slime mold." Cool, huh? Check out my slides! [[The scientist has set down the microscope on the floor of the panel, and the slime mold is jiggling.]] Human: Okay, never mind: What's wrong with scientists is that you do see wonder and beauty in everything. Human: Oh God, it's moving! Scientist: It wants to hug you! So cute! {{Title text: The best hugs are probably from hagfish, which can extrude microscopic filaments that convert a huge volume of water around them to slime in seconds. Instant cozy blanket!}}

[[Person is on the phone.]] Person: Hello? 911? I'm trapped! Person: It's dark and I can't see anything except these two distorted splotches of light! Person: Help! [[The 911 operator is in an office, wearing a headset.]] Operator: Splotches of light? Your ... eyeballs? Person (over phone): I think that's what they are! There's meat everywhere! Operator: ... so you're a brain. Person (over phone): Yes! Operator: Yeah, we all are. You're not trapped. Use your body to walk around and experience reality. Person: But everything's just signals in my sensory cortices! How can I be sure they correspond to an external world?! Operator (over phone): I'm sorry, but we can't send a search-and-rescue team into Plato's cave. {{Title text: Socrates could've saved himself a lot of trouble if he'd just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.}}

[[Man is at computer. Woman is standing behind him, looking at clothes on the floor.]] Woman: Is this a three wolf moon shirt? Woman: Dude, 2009 called, and they-- Man: OH MY GOD! Man: DID YOU WARN THEM? Man: ABOUT HAITI AND JAPAN? Woman: What? No, I-- Man: You ASSHOLE! {{Title text: 2017 called, but I couldn't understand what they were saying over all the screams.}}

[[Person sits at a desk with a computer. There's a schedule on the wall next to it. Person is typing.]] The key to leading a productive life is time management. <<type type>> Choose goals, build a schedule, and have the WILLPOWER to follow it-- or be LEFT BEHIND by those of us who DO. <<type type type>> [[We see the schedule in closeup.]] SCHEDULE 7:00am Wake up 7:15am-8:00am Post on productivity blogs about my schedule 8:00am-whenever Fuck around {{Title text: I never trust anyone who's more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at.}}

[[Person is playing a video game.]] <<BLAM>> Game: He once built a treehouse. <<BLAM>> Game: She has 110 unread emails that she was hoping to get to tonight. <<BLAM BLAM>> Game: He was the only one who took care of the plants back at base. No one liked my FPS mod that gives you three-second snippets from the bios of people you shoot. {{Title text: Wait, that second one is a woman? ... wait, if that bothers me, then why doesn't ... man, this game is no fun anymore.}}

[[Woman is sitting in an armchair, reading a book.]] Woman: Are there eigenvectors in Cinderella? Man: ... no? Woman: The prince didn't use them to match the shoe to its owner? Man: What are you TALKING about? Woman: Dammit. [[Flashback. Girl is in bed, mom is sitting on the edge of the bed reading.]] My mom is one of those people who falls asleep while reading, but keeps talking. She's a math professor, so she'd start rambling about her work. Mom: But while the ant gathered food ... Mom: ... zzzz ... Mom: ... the grasshopper contracted to a point on a manifold that was NOT a 3-sphere ... I'm still not sure which versions are real. [[Present.]] Man: You didn't notice the drastic subject changes? Woman: Well, sometimes her versions were better. We loved Inductive White and the (N-1) Dwarfs. Woman: I guess the LIM x->inf (x) little pigs did get a bit weird toward the end ... {{Title text: Goldilocks' discovery of Newton's method for approximation required surprisingly few changes.}}

Gamer: I'm going to buy this $10 game I want, and I'm donating $10 for malaria eradication. Friend: If you actually cared, you'd skip the game and donate all $20. Friend: What's more important? Games, or mosquito nets and medicine for kids? Later: Gamer: I think I'm going to buy these two $10 games I want. Other Friend: Cool; which ones? {{Title text: I usually respond to someone else doing something good by figuring out a reason that they're not really as good as they seem. But I've been realizing lately that there's an easier way to handle these situations, and it involves zero internet arguments.}}

Mathematically Annoying Advertising: [[A ∪ B = {x:x ≤ 15 or x > 15 } = ℝ ]] [[line graph representing the above equation]] When discussing real numbers, it is impossible to get more vague than "up to 15% or more". [["FREE*" in large text, with substantial illegible fine print]] If someone has paid $x to have the word "free" typeset for you and N other people to read, their expected value for the money that will move from you to them is at least $(x (N+1)) [[graph representing inverse relationship between "amount you spend" on the y axis and "amount you save" on the x axis]] It would be difficult for the phrase "the more you spend the more you save" to be more wrong. {{Title text: I remember the exact moment in my childhood when I realized, while reading a flyer, that nobody would ever spend money solely to tell me they wanted to give me something for nothing. It's a much more vivid memory than the (related) parental Santa talk.}}

[[single blade in a server rack]] Server: Hi! I'm a server! Who are you? [[mobile device with a web browser]] Browser: I'm a browser. I'd like to see this article. Server:Oh boy! I can help! Let me get it for- ..whoa! You're a *smartphone* browser? Browser: Yeah. Server: Cooool! Hey, I've got this new mobile version of my site! Check it out! Isn't it pretty? Browser: Sure, but this is just your mobile site's main page. Where's the article I wanted? Server: What article? Browser: The one I- Server: Who are you? Browser: I- Server: Hi! I'm a server! {{Title text: They have to keep the adjacent rack units empty. Otherwise, half the entries in their var log syslog are just 'SERVER BELOW TRYING TO START CONVERSATION *AGAIN*.' and 'WISH THEY'D STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH COFFEE IT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.'}}

[[diamond-shaped four-panel diagram]] [[top panel labeled "internet libertarians]] [[left panel labeled "Democrats, Republicans"]] [[bottom panel labeled "other"]] [[right panel labeled "baseball fans"]] [[axis increasing in the upper-left direction labeled "political opinions"]] [[axis increasing in the upper-right direction labeled "love of diamond-shaped diagrams"]] {{Title text: Also in the right quadrant are NFPA-compliant chemical manufacturers and Sir Charles Wheatstone. Sharing the top with the internet libertarians are Nate Silver and several politically-active kite designers.}}

Ornithology conference: [[graph showing a large tree split between amphibians and reptiles]] Ornithologist: As you can see, herpetology is a silly field; reptiles are actually more closely related to birds and mammals than to amphibians.It should really be broken up, with lizards folded into ornithology. Herpetology conference: [[graph showing a large tree split between nice people and ornithologists]] Herpetologist: As you can see, ornithologists are actually assholes. {{Title text: Birds are Aves, which is part of the clade Theropoda, which is in Saurischia, which is in Dinosauria. Those birds outside our windows are dinosaurs. We can clear out the rest of our brains because we now have the best fact.}}

I learned in high school what geometers discovered long ago: [[Geometer, holding a compass and straightedge, looks sad.]] Using only a compass and straightedge, it's impossible to construct friends. {{Title text: The Greeks long suspected this, but it wasn't until April 12th of 1882 that Ferdinand von Lindemann conclusively proved it when he constructed himself the most awesome birthday party possible and nobody showed up.}}

[[Scientist and commander are on a space station.]] Scientist: Commander! Come quick! Scientist: It's the nanobots--they've STOPPED! Scientist: They devoured 40% of the Earth, and then just ... quit! They're just sitting there! Scientist: Why?! Commander: It's a mystery. ... unless ... What's the volume of each nanobot? Scientist: A few cubic microns. Why? Commander: I think the year 1998 just bought us some time. [[Earth's surface, covered in mountains of nanobots.]] In the swarm: Nanobot: What do you mean, "Run out of addresses?" Other Nanobot: Look, we should've migrated away from IPv6 AGES ago ... {{Title text: I think the ITEF hit the right balance with the 128 bits thing. We can fit MAC addresses in a 64 subnet, and the nanobots will only be able to devour half the planet.}}

Person (on phone): It's 2011. I want my flying car. Friend (from phone): Dude. Friend: You're complaining to me using a phone on which you buy and read books, Friend: and which you were using to play a 3D shooter until I interrupted you with what would be a video call if I were wearing a shirt. Person: Can't I have a flying car, too? Friend (from phone): You'd crash it while texting and playing Angry Birds. {{Title text: It's hard to fit in the backseat of my flying car with my android Realdoll when we're both wearing jetpacks.}}

[[Student before a professor]] Student: How can I pick a major? I'm interested in everything! Can't I major in "the universe"? Professor: Okay. First, I'll need papers on every European trade summit that did not result in an agreement. Then, spend a year memorizing every microprocessor instruction set ever used in a production chip. [[Student scratches head]] Student:What I meat was I just want to read Malcolm Gladwell books and drink. Professor: We all do, sweetie. {{Title text: I hear Steven Levitt is writing a book analyzing A.J. Jacobs' quest to spend a year reading everything Malcolm Gladwell ever wrote. The audiobook will be narrated by Robert Krulwich of Radiolab.}}

[[reddit page]] Luke (thinking): I shouldn't be looking at Reddit. Why can't I stop? [[CNN page]] Luke (thinking): Refreshing CNN again. Do news stories so affect my life that I benefit from checking them more than once a day? [[shutdown screen]] Luke (thinking): I should at least check Faceb... no. Screw it. I can't do my job when I'm distracting myself every five minutes like this. [[two people before a battlefield screen]] Guy: His computer's off. Luke - You've switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong? Luke: Nothing. I'm all right. {{Title text: After years of trying various methods, I broke this habit by pitting my impatience against my laziness. I decoupled the action and the neurological reward by setting up a simple 30-second delay I had to wait through, in which I couldn't do anything else, before any new page or chat client would load (and only allowed one to run at once). The urge to check all those sites magically vanished--and my 'productive' computer use was unaffected.}}

Guy, on phone: Hey! Know how you've been bugging me to play Minecraft for the past year? I'm game. Girl, on phone: But you said you didn't want to "get hooked and spend days on end moving virtual cubes around while sitting motionless." What changed? Guy, on phone: I'm having my wisdom teeth out, and I'll be useless and doped up on painkillers for the next few days, so that actually sounds like the perfect distraction. Girl, on phone: Oh. I'll set you up on our server! 72 hours later... [[Girl sitting at computer.]] Girl, on phone: Hey -- starting to feel better? Enjoying the game? Let's see what you've... What the hell? Where IS everything? [[View of a Minecraft screen showing a vast empty expanse of land.]] Girl, offscreen: ... You made the entire continent perfectly flat? Guy, offscreen: And sorted it into layers. Girl, offscreen: ... Guy, offscreen: I feel good about things. This is a good game. [[Guy sitting on the floor at his laptop, bleeding from the mouth, surrounded by bloody wadded-up tissues and holding a bottle of medication.]] Girl, on phone: ... What exactly is in the painkillers they gave you? Guy, woozy: I can't read the label because I'm a hologram. {{Title text: I heard the general anesthesia drugs can cause amnesia, so when I woke up mid-extraction I started taking notes on my hand so I'd remember things later. I managed 'AWAKE BUT EVERYTHING OK' before the dental assistant managed to find and confiscate all my pens.}}

[[Guy brings in a pocket microscope]] Guy: Check it out - a pocket microscope! Girl: Ooh! Let's look at stuff! [[Guy holds a pencil; girl peers at a quarter through the microscope]] Guy: The tip of this pencil is neat! Girl: This quarter is really scratched. Guy: Let's look at the skin under our fingernails! Minutes later... [[Guy and girl curl up in a pit of despair]] Guy and girl: oh god oh god {{Title text: I call Rule 34 on The Secret House.}}

(An unmatched left parenthesis creates an unresolved tension that will stay with you all day. {{Title text: Brains aside, I wonder how many poorly-written xkcd.com-parsing scripts will break on this title (or \;;"''{<<[' this mouseover text."}}

[[Couple sitting opposed, woman on couch reading book and man on a chair with a laptop]] Woman: The fact that I have breasts doesn't mean you could milk me now. I'd have to be lactating. [[a beat passes]] Man (thinking): Oh my god. She's psychic! {{Title text: It's not hard when you have the same thought like 40 or 50 percent of the time.}}

Guy: In the words of Archimedes, Guy: Give me a long enough lever and a place to rest it, [[Guy pulls out a gun.]] Guy: Or I will kill one hostage every hour. {{Title text: Give a man a fish, or he will destroy the only existing vial of antidote.}}

Girl: Robot ninja! Pirate doctor laser monkey! Narwhal zombie badger hobo bacon kitty captain penguin raptor jesus! Scientist (to guy): We'd been seeing this brain damage for years, but only recently did our linguists identify the pattern behind it. Scientist: The patients fixate on animals and types of people whose names are trochees (two syllables, with the accent on the first). The malfunction causes a rush of dopamine whenever these trocheese are heard or spoken. [[Chart shows "internet" and "brain," with arrows marked "trochees" traveling both ways between them. An arrow marked "dopamine" loops from the brain back to the brain.]] The warning signs appear in childhood: [[Child sits in front of TV.]] Child: Yeah! Mighty teenage morphin' ninja power mutant turtle rangers! Social reinforcement focuses the fixation on a few dozen words. Guy (off-panel): Is there a cure? [[Girl is reclining under a big machine pointed at her face.]] Scientist: We're about to try a radical trocheeotomy. Guy: Rip out her vocal chords? I'm in favor. Scientist: No, we're modifying her vocabulary* to erase the words she's fixated on. *Digitoneurolinguistic hacking! It's totally real! Ask Neal Stephenson. Scientist: Either the gap will be filled by normal words, or she'll just generate a new set of trochees. Scientist: Here goes. [[She pulls the lever on a large panel.]] <<kachunk bzzzZZZZZZ>> [[Girl is waking up.]] Girl: ... GzZhRmPh ... Girl ... banjo turtle! Girl: Jetpack ferret pizza lawyer! Dentist hamster wombat plumber turkey jester hindu cowboy hooker bobcat scrapple! Scientist (off-panel): Sigh. Scientist: Time for plan B. Scientist: Someone get a brick. {{Title text: If you Huffman-coded all the 'random' things everyone on the internet has said over the years, you'd wind up with, like, 30 or 40 bytes *tops*.}}

[[Inverted intro panel]] It's easy to forget, as we heap awards on The Social Network, That before there was Facebook, MySpace, or even Friendster... One website dreamed bigger than them all. [[Two guys talking]] Guy #1: People like doing stuff, so why not build a website that offers that? Guy #2: Offers what? What would I do there? Guy #1: Anything! The only limit is yourself! [[Guy runs in. Two guys are by a computer, one sitting at it wearing headphones.]] Guy running in: Hey, we need more-- Standing guy: Don't--he's wired in. Guy at computer: THE INFINITE IS POSSIBLE. Standing guy: Or baked. It's hard to tell. [[Two guys are sitting at a restaurant booth.]] Guy #1: It's time to monetize. We could make millions! Guy #2: No way. A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool? Guy #1: A billio-- Guy #2: CIRCLES. [[View from booth of a guy leaving, turning back to say something.]] Guy: Hey—a tip: Drop the dot. Just "Zombocom". It's cleaner. {{Title text: 'Whoa, twenty-two in two hours!' 'Your site got twenty-two hundred hits in two hours?' 'No. Twenty-two. But still, that's like half the people on the internet!'}}

{{A flowchart.}} I should cook more! -> Buy ingredients -> Put some in a pan -> Cook -> Does it taste good? -> (arrows marked "Kinda" and "No" both lead to) Put leftovers in fridge -> (hours pass) -> Order pizza -> (days pass) -> Throw away leftovers -> (weeks pass) -> Throw away remaining ingredients as they go bad -> (months pass) -> (arrow leads back to beginning) {{Title text: And yet I never stop thinking, 'sure, these ingredients cost more than a restaurant meal, but think how many meals I'll get out of them! Especially since each one will have leftovers!'}}

He: I was running a factor analysis on this huge database, and check out what it found: [[He holds up the chart.]] [[It's a graph plotting "sexual arousal" against "consecutive vowels." The trendline is a smooth exponential curve.]] She: Huh? This chart makes no sense. What-- He: "Queueing" [[She grabs him.]] She: FUCK ME NOW. {{Title text: But the windows! What if there's a voyuer watchi-- wait, now I'm turned on too.}}

He: Did you know that because of centrifugal* force and the shape of the Earth, "gravity" can vary by nearly half a percent between major cities? *Yes, centrifugal. xkcd.com 123 He: That's not a lot, but it could affect, say, pole vaulting. In a 5m jump, it could make a difference of 2cm. She: Huh, interesting. He: I'm going to write an article reevaluating vaulting records to take this into account. Three days later: She: Good job. There's an angry mob of athletes outside. [[He looks off the balcony. The mob of athletes is out of frame.]] Athlete: That record was mine! Athlete: How dare you cast doubt on our honor? Athlete: Have you no respect?! Athlete: Make him pay! He: Hey, the math doesn't lie. Suck it, jocks. She: Dude, don't provoke them. He: Whatever. The building's locked. Let 'em vent for a-- <<crash>> Off-panel Athlete: GET HIM! He: Crap! He: How did the pole vaulters get up to our balcony? She: ... [[Beat frame]] She: That might be the stupidest question I've ever heard. He: Right. {{Title text: In Rio de Janeiro in 2016, the same jump will get an athlete 0.25% higher (>1cm) than in London four years prior.}}

{{A flowchart.}} Na->Na->Na->Na->Na->Na->Na->Na (branches to ->Hey->Hey->Goodbye and ->Batman!) ->Na->Na (branches to Katamari Damacy!) ->Na (arrow labeled "Land of 1,000 Dances) loops around to the last Na again) {{Title text: I hear that there are actual lyrics later on in Land of 1,000 Dances, but other than the occasional 'I said,' I've never listened long enough to hear any of them.}}

The World According to a group of Americans Who turned out to be unexpectedly good at geography, derailing our attempt to illustrate their country's attitude toward the rest of the world. ((One big panel, a map of the world. Fairly accurate. Annotated in several different scripts of handwriting. These are transcribed in approximately left to right, top to bottom order. Some are written paired and appear as such.)) Hey so what projection should we use? I'll aim for "Robinson." Alaska Canada Hudson Bay Québec Greenland (still too big!) Yeah but the Peters map is awful United States Did you know Maine is actually the US state closest to Africa? Baja California (Mexico) Mexico Gulf of Mexico Cuba Hispanola Bermuda (British!) Central America Jamaica Do we have to label all the Virgin Islands? Panama Canal French, and I think Dutch and English Brazil (Portuguese - speaking) Rest of South America (Spanish-speaking) Tierra del Fuego Iceland British Isles Ireland Gibraltar Western Europe Scandinavia Eastern Europe Black Sea Middle East Morocco Algeria Sahara Desert West Africa Sudan So this is one of those things where you point out our ignorance and stereotypes? Yeah - I mean I freely admit I don't know the African map very well, which speaks volumes in itself. Rainforest DRC Lake Victoria Somalia Angola Mozambique South Africa Cape Horn Madagascar Russia Kamchatka Peninsula but I admit I only know this one from Risk Aral Sea (Gone) Various former Soviet States Mongolia Afghanistan & Pakistan India Mostly Muslim Mostly Hindu Sri Lanka Tibet (informal) China Southeast Asia Koreas Japan, duh. Taiwan (actually called "The Republic of China" - it's complicated Phillipines Malaysia Boxing Day Quake Wait, "Boxing day"? There's no way you're American. I read BBC News, OK? Indonesia Sulawesi Paupa New Guinea Australia Tasmania New Zealand Shall we include Antarctica? Let's not - these guys are looking impatient. {{Title text: It's not our fault we caught a group on their way home from a geography bee. And they taught us that Uzbekistan is one of the world's two doubly-landlocked countries!}}

[[A teacher is standing at a whiteboard covered in equations.]] Teacher: Okay, anyone who's feeling like they can't handle the physics here should probably just leave now. Teacher: Because I'm multiplying the wavefunction by its complex conjugate. Teacher: That's right. [[Dramatic zoom. It appears the teacher is writing on the side of the panel.]] Teacher: Shit just got real . {{Title text: Fun fact: if you say this every time a professor does something to a complex-number equation that drops the imaginary part, they'll eventually move the class to another room and tell everyone else except you.}}

[[People are lined up to see a movie.]] Premiering Tonight: String Theory: An expose Presented In 3D! [[The people are in a dark theater, fiddling with their glasses.]] <<???>> [[The people approach black hat guy, who's sitting at a desk.]] Person #1: Your movie was a ripoff. Person #2: It wasn't 3D at all! Black hat guy: Was too. Black hat guy: It's just that the third dimension is tightly rolled up and too small to observe at normal energies. {{Title text: The LINACs in the glasses frames can barely manage one MeV. You should've gone to the screening at CERN.}}

[[Two white figures are silhouetted against a dark sky. They're sitting on top of a grassy hill.]] Person: I know things are tough right now. When I was going through some difficult times as a kid, I would go up on the roof and look through my telescope. Person: One day I found a tiny star in Ara that seemed friendly. Person: There were millions like it, but I decided that this one was mine. Person: When things got bad, I'd go find that star, and think of my favorite Tolkien quote. It's from Sam's time in Mordor. ((The next panel is diagonally downward to the right of the previous. The upper left corner overlaps.)) [[A star is above the highest peak in a chain of mountains.]] "There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the shadow was only a small and passing thing: There was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach." - The Return of the King Companion: That's comforting! Person: It was rather undercut in 1987, when the light from my star's explosion reached Earth. The debris forms the Stingray Nebula. Companion: There's probably a lesson there. Person: "Never trust an unstable asymptotic giant branch star. Stick with main sequences and dwarfs." Companion: I'll, uh, keep that in mind. {{Title text: Eärendil will patrol the walls of night only until the sun reaches red giant stage, engulfing the Morning Star on his brow. Light and high beauty are passing things as well.}}

Woman: Dear Ke$ha, Woman: It's hard to describe the pain of a deeply infected dental nerve. (continuing) To get an idea, put your hands in a bowl full of ice cubes. Hold them there for 90 seconds. [[Panel shows speaker with her hands in a bowl of ice.]] Now imagine that pain in your jaw, every minute of every hour, bright and searing, washing out everything. You can't party all night. You can barely stand up. There's only the pain. Woman: So, some friendly advice: When you wake up in the morning, before you brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack, Woman: Brush them with actual toothpaste. {{Title text: WAKE up in the MORning and my BREATH ain't PREtty and noBODY'S gonna KISS me if my MOUTH smells SHItty so I ALways brush my TEETH before I START on the JACK sure, my DRINKing's out of HAND, but I'm conTROLLing my PLAQUE.}}

[[Two soldiers are talking. Behind them, rubble burns and smokes.]] First soldier: Will you please stop imitating everything I do? <<blam blam>> Second soldier: Will you please stop... <<kaboom>> My hobby: Real-time war reenactment {{Title text: During the week, I research my character by living in his house and raising his children.}}

((The comic is a flowchart. In order to explain this in text, follow the line numbers. Options follow on new lines without numbers.)) How to write good code. ((10.)) Start Project. ((Go to 20.)) ((20.)) Do things right or do them fast? Fast ((Go to 30.)) Right ((Go to 40.)) ((30.)) Code fast. ((Go to 35.)) ((35.)) Does it work yet? No ((Go to 30.)) Almost, but it's become a mass of kludges and spaghetti code. ((Go to 50.)) ((40.)) Code well. ((Go to 45.)) ((45.)) Are you done yet? No. ((Go to 40.)) No, and the requirements have changed. ((Go to 50.)) ((50.)) Throw it all out and start over. ((Go to 10.)) ((60.)) ? ((Go to 70.)) ((70.)) Good code. {{Title text: You can either hang out in the Android Loop or the HURD loop.}}

[[A teacher is standing in front of a board, holding a laptop computer and elocuting.]] Teacher: Okay, middle school students, it's the first Tuesday in February. Teacher: This means that by law and custom, we must spend the morning reading through the Wikipedia article List of Common Misconceptions , so you can spend the rest of your lives being a little less wrong. Teacher: The guests at every party you'll ever attend thank us in advance. {{Title text: 'Grandpa, what was it like in the Before time?' 'It was hell. People went around saying glass was a slow-flowing liquid. You folks these days don't know how good you have it.'}}

[[An adult and a child are talking.]] Child: What's that on your arm? Adult: The mark of a secret society. Child: If it's secret, why tell me -- Adult: Because I know nothing. I can't betray them because I don't know who they are. I was chosen by an agent 20 years ago. That was my first and last direct contact. It's safer that way. Narration: Six years later I found a piece of paper in the street with an address on it. The next day I found a can of kerosene in my garage that I'm sure I never bought. [[The panel represents these actions by highlighting the mentioned objects in a world of gray.]] Narration: I didn't know whose house it was. I just knew that I'd been given my orders. And I carried them out. [[A dark figure is silhouetted against a flame.]] Adult: I don't know who or what we're fighting. Adult: Maybe we're the bad guys. Adult: It doesn't matter to me. Adult: It's enough to know that there are forces working beneath the chaos of life, and I'm a part of them. Adult: That whatever this "pen fifteen" club is, Adult: I'm in it. {{Title text: I'm a solipsistic conspiracy theorist. I'm sure I must be up to something, and I will not stop until I find out what.}}

[[Two people are talking by telephone. The first two panels are split diagonally. The first person is at a store, and the second is consulting with them.]] [[The first person has a small box.]] Person: Do we have an RCA-to-3.5mm female-female plug? I'm getting some speakers for the new xBox, since the monitor doesn't have any. Second Person: Are they crappy laptop speakers? [[The person is moving away from a sale rack. It says "Sale!!" several times.]] Person: Does it matter? I just want to hear if I'm getting shot at, not saor eery detail of a beautiful musical soundscape. Second Person: You've never heard a beautiful musical soundscape. You listen to 96kbps flv rips from YouTube. Person: Whatever. I'm just going to get these $20 speakers. Five watts will be plenty. Second Person: Five watts for a living room sound system? Is that a joke? Person: No, this is a joke: How many audiophiles does it take to change a lightbulb? Second Person: How many? Person: I'll tell you later - you wouldn't appreciate the punchline over this 12kbps cell phone codec. <<click>> {{Title text: For years, I took the wrong lesson from that Monster Cable experiment and only listened to my music through alligator-clipped coat hangers.}}

[[Someone is standing next to a table. There is a can on the table.]] [[The label on the can reads, "Serious Putty".]] [[The person is looking at the table again.]] [[They reach out to touch the can. The can speaks.]] Can: Don't touch me. {{Title text: Not to be confused with Serious PuTTY, the Windows terminal client where everything is in Impact.}}

[[A black bishop, Ba3, and a white knight, Nc3, are on a three by three chessboard. Both are on white squares. There is a heap of supplies at b2, also a white square. The chessboard is mounted on rockets and appears to be flying through the air.]] Ba3: Mission Control, come in. This is Ba3 on the capsule calling Ke5 on the home board. We're on track and approaching the Coast of Catan. Our ETA is -- Nc3: Control, this is Nc3. Bishop put all our food in the center so I can't get it. I demand -- Ba3: Control, knight will get his food back when he stops hopping around bragging about how comfy the black squares are. I swear to God, I'm this close to capturing him and completing the mission alone. {{Title text: We're going to have to work together to get over our hangups if we're going to learn to move on Catan's hexagonal grid. It's bad enough that we lost our crew of pawns when we passed within firing range of Battleship.}}

[[Someone is sitting at a computer. The computer's prompt is shown.]] robm@homebox~$ sudo su Password: robm is not in the sudoers file. This incident will be reported. robm@homebox~$ [[A second person approaches.]] Person: Hey -- who does sudo report these "incidents" to ? Second person: You know, I've never checked. [[Santa Claus is sitting at a desk supported by candy canes, with a red monitor. On the wall are two lists labeled 'naughty' and 'nice'. He is adding a name to the 'naughty' list.]] {{Title text: He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he's copied on var spool mail root, so be good for goodness' sake.}}

[[The panel shows an online shopping form.]] Shipping: $14.08 Total: $80.02 If you have a coupon code, enter it here: [[An empty form.]] Check out A person is looking at their computer. [[The empty form is now filled in - the rest of the panel shows the same page.]] Form: In 1987 you quietly took something from the house of a dying woman. You thought nobody knew -- you were wrong. [[The person is sitting at their computer.]] <<Click>> [[The form is updated.]] Shipping: $14.08 Total: $80.02 ---------------- Discount Applied: -$80.02 Final price: $0.00 Thank you - Your order has been placed - {{Title text: This also guarantees he won't be one of the ones to get a bobcat.}}

((The three panels are arranged diagonally, upper left to bottom right.)) [[Two people are walking past a tree. One has a hat.]] Hat person: So, has this sickness opened you up to looking for answers beyond science? Person: ... no, not really. [[The person turns to face the one with the hat.]] Person: We've groped for comfort before the slings and arrows of fortune for millenia, and I begrudge nobody their sources of solace. But Science provides tools . $100 billion a year in scientific studies and medical R&D has bought us some pretty damn powerful slings and arrows of our own. This world is amazing, and I'm going to live to experience more of it thanks to people who refused to gracefully accept the ineffability of reality. I find my courage where I can, but I take my weapons from science. Person: Because they work , bitches. {{Title text: At least, with p<0.05 confidence.}}

[[There is a binary Christmas tree, with each node a ball, and lights strung between parent and child nodes. Beneath it is a heap of presents - sorted with the largest on top, smaller presents connected to it with string. Next to the tree are a kid and his or her parents.]] Billy: It's a Christmas tree with a heap of presents underneath! Mother: ... We're not inviting you home next year. {{Title text: Not only is that terrible in general, but you just KNOW Billy's going to open the root present first, and then everyone will have to wait while the heap is rebuilt.}}

[[A black formal suit with no head is talking.]] Suit: We are Anonymous. We are legion We are no one and everyone. And we are here to fight for WikiLeaks. ((The panel is presented a the front page of WikiLeaks, in a browser.)) New Leak: Names, addresses, IPs, and phone numbers of everyone in Anonymous. Download Now Suit: ... Dammit, Julian. {{Title text: STUDENTS ARE CALLING PRESIDENT JOHNSON EN MASSE TO PROTEST THE BOMBING AND IT'S JAMMED THE WHITE HOUSE SWITCHBOARD. COULD THEY COLLAPSE OUR CRITICAL PHONE SYSTEMS? HAS THE FIRST TELEPHONE WAR BEGUN? STAY TUNED FOR MORE ON THIS DANGEROUS NEW TECHNOLOGY.}}

[[A man and a woman are talking. The woman has a board.]] Man: I think we should give it another shot. Woman: We should break up, and I can prove it. [[The second panel is the graph. A series of points moves steadily downward.]] Our Relationship. [[The man looks at the graph.]] Man: Huh. Man: Maybe you're right. Woman: I knew data would convince you. Man: No, I just think I can do better than someone who doesn't label her axes. {{Title text: And if you labeled your axes, I could tell you exactly how MUCH better.}}

((The comic comprises two large square maps, each divided into nine sections, some of which are further subdivided in the same way. The subdivisions continue down for up to five levels, and the lower map has more tiny diagrams than the upper. The smallest divisions at every scale are completed tic-tac-toe games.)) [[Explanatory text:]] Complete map of optimal Tic-Tac-Toe moves Your move is given by the position of the largest red symbol on the grid. When your opponent picks a move, zoom in on the region of the grid where they went. Repeat. Map for X: ((The first square map)) Map for Y: ((The second square map)) {{Title text: The only winning move is to play, perfectly, waiting for your opponent to make a mistake.}}

[[A black dot on a weather radar screen.]] Dot: Sigh. Just a few clouds. [[The clouds develop into orange, to the left of the dot.]] Dot: Whoa! Huge storm out of nowhere! [[The orange becomes red, and the storm moves towards the dot.]] Dot: It's growing ! And headed right for me! Awesome! [[The storm splits in half.]] Dot: Hey! What's it... [[The two halves of the storm pass by the dot. Dot: Dammit! Again?! {{Title text: Ever notice how there aren't as many thunderstorms now as there were when you were a kid? Much like 'the shuffle on my MP3 player has a bias', this is occasionally true but universally believed. Brains are so interesting!}}

[[A man stands next to a woman holding a clipboard, she gestures to a comfy-looking chair.]] Man: Did my genetic tests come back? Woman: Yeah. Sit down. Man: Is it bad news? What are my risk factors? [[The man is now sitting in the chair awaiting her answer. The woman looks down at the clipboard.]] Woman: We can't be sure about this, but we've analyzed genes on several of your chromosomes and it's ard to avoid the conclusion: [[The woman puts down the clipboard and looks at the man as she delivers her news. The man puts his hands to his face in dismay.]] Woman: At some point, your parents had sex. Man: Oh God! Woman: Stay calm! It's possible it was just once! Man: I... I need to be alone. {{Title text: There's still a chance you were conceived via IVF. But we've checked your mom's college yearbook photos, and whether or not she and your father had sex, it's clear that ... listen, I know this is hard for you.}}

[[Three people, two women and a man, stand looking at a laptop screen, which is sitting on a desk. The woman with a ponytail is pointing at the screen.]] Ponytail girl: Our arsenic-based DNA discovery is cool, but these reporters are expecting life on Titan! Our press conference will be such a letdown! [[Ponytail girl turns around to face the other girl.]] Ponytail: Okay, we need to make it more exciting for them. How do you make an event entertaining? Girl #2: Dunno, I suck at parties. Music, I guess? [[Ponytail girl turns back around and leans over to start typing on the computer, while the other two look on. The other girl puts her hand to her chin.]] Ponytail: WikiHow says you can "serve cocktails and hors d'oerves that fit the theme of your event." Girl #2: Easy enough! [[Ponytail girl stands at a podium on a stage, the man stands amongst the audience with a tray. All the audience members are either dead or dying, having fallen onto the floor or slumped over in their seats.]] {{Title text: According to a new paper published in the journal Science, reporters are unable to thrive in an arsenic-rich environment.}}

[[A man sits hunched with his knees drawn up to him on a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. A friend stands by.]] Man: I'm sick and I'm scared. Friend: Well, remember - having a good attitude is the most important thing. Think positively and you'll get better. [[Darkness surrounds the man on the bed. The friend is off-screen.]] Man: So if I'm sad or afraid or feel like crap sometimes, then... Friend: ...then if you don't recover, it will be your fault. [[The man on the bed clutches his hands to his face and leans back.]] Man: Well that makes me feel even worse. Friend: See? You're doing this to yourself. Man: No! Friend: Stop it! Man: Argh! [[Close up on the man, holding up his hand, pointing to himself.]] Man: Okay, you know what? Screw this. My attitude isn't my problem. -- My disease is my problem, and I'm treating it. -- I'm going to be glum and depressed and pessimistic some days, and I'm going to get better anyway. [[The man sits on the edge of the bed, his friend still standing in front of him.]] Man: Wait, that ended up sounding optimistic. Friend: I guess you suck at pessimism. Man: Maybe I'll be better at it tomorrow. {{Title text: Having a positive attitude is almost tautologically good for your mental health, and extreme stress can hurt your immune system, but that doesn't mean you should feel like shit for feeling like shit.}}